


I know who I am.... Don't I ?

by Moya_Rozum_is_a_beautiful_Disaster13



Category: Ian Gallagher/Mickey Milkovich - Fandom, Shameless (US), gallavich - Fandom
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Artist Mickey Milkovich, As story goes on tags will be added, Background Ian Gallagher/Mickey Milkovich, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Dark, Death of Mama Milkovich, Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Drug Use, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Ex-Military Ian Gallagher, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Falling In Love, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Gallavich AU, Heavy Angst, Hurt Mickey Milkovich, Jealous Ian Gallagher, M/M, Mental health disorder, Mickey with a Mental disorder, Multi, Original Character(s), Past Child Abuse, Past Rape, Past Sexual Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romance, Self-Destruction, Self-Harm, Sexual Tension, Sick Mickey, Sickness, Singer Mickey Milkovich, Swearing, Top Mickey Milkovich, Trigger Warnings, mental health, mention of rape, violance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-12
Updated: 2017-06-18
Packaged: 2018-04-09 00:36:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 35
Words: 316,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4327140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moya_Rozum_is_a_beautiful_Disaster13/pseuds/Moya_Rozum_is_a_beautiful_Disaster13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mickey Milkovich was a young adult who still was sometimes a child at heart but none the less a hard working individuals who owns a few well-known Auto Garage Shop and a few clubs with his siblings. Mickey has a boy friend who he cares for and is trying to decided the next step in their relationship. All the while with dealing with a few things he feel is minor. With the constant headache hes been getting and him being exhausted all the time Mickey figures its just stress. What is stressing him he is trying to figure it out. Flashes of memories sometime invades his dreams and he figures they are just dreams. One day a certain red head runs into him and his world starts to slowly turn around doing a complete circle, that not only reveals secret of his past, but a past his brothers and sister did not want him to remember let alone deal with. Mickey is in for a run of his life as it starts to fall apart and his life come crashing down as he tries to figure out who he is and who he will be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think I promise I will try to update every other day or week does depend on my schedule for work. You can also find me on Tumbler for any suggestions or anything really Mecha-imabeautfuldisater. Please note this is my first time doing a smut so im no sure if its good, well its not my first time but my first time writing one on my own and not helping someone with one. This is my first fic that I am writing by myself I usually help other out and wring a little for them but not much. so here is my attempt. Please note that I didnt have a lot of dialogue on this chapter being its chapter one so I hope that is not a bad thing for anyone. There will be more and I hope you all like it. There will be mention of many things in the future that may cause triggers and some subjects will be very intense, but please be sure I write from experience of personal life and that of a friend of mines.

Since he could remember, which isn't much; but being that he doesn’t remember much of his Childhood or even some of his teenage years that isn't all too bad. Right? Well for Mickey it isn’t really. He doesn't always seem to think of it as a bad thing. Since Mickey could remember, he was always taken cared of. He had a roof over his head, his own room, food, clothes, and all that good shit. Collin had been his and Mandy’s Legal Guardian since Mickey was 14 years old. Mandy was 16 in a half, and Iggy had just turned 18 years old.

 

Mickey doesn’t remember what happened to his dad, but his name is never mentioned. Collin was 22 years old when he was given custody of both his siblings Mickey and Mandy; he had just opened up the Southside Auto shop at the time. It was a small shop back then, but it was income for him and his siblings. Collin went to school for Mechanical Engineering and was able to open up the shop from nothing. But with a business loan and hard work, he made it into something big.

 

Sometimes when Mickey tries to think of his dad Terry; memories come to him. Not the good ones, but weird ones. Memories such as him being slapped, or punched by his dad for no reason. But there are some memories of Terry actually being nice to Mickey and that’s what Mickey can’t understand as to why. Like why does his dad tell him he did a good job? Those memories use to keep him up a night, now there nothing more than a dream to him. He remembers sometimes seeing his older brothers and Terry get into fights mostly because Terry would always pick on Mickey.  He would yell at Mickey and blame him for their mother not being there.

 

See the thing is, Mickey never met his mother. Mama Milkovich or Michelle, which was her name died from complication due to childbirth. Mickey never got to know what the love of a mother was; sadly this would be the result of Terry’s hate for him and much more that Mickey ends up learning later on. Mickey can sometimes remember Collin fighting with Terry whenever Terry tried to lay a hand on any of them all, especially Mickey or Mandy since they looked so much like their mother. Mickey had his mother’s eyes and smile, which Terry hated. So Mickey learned early on in life never to smile around Terry or even look him directly in the eyes. Between him and Mandy they both had Jet-black hair like their mother, same eyes and all. Sometimes, just sometimes, Mickey use to be told that just by looking at him or Mandy that they could see their mom. Many times Mickey wished he had met his mom or that she would have lived. Turns out, Collin would tell him that even Terry would lay his hands on her, but she always fought him back, which made it worse on her sometimes. Their mother was a fighter and Mickey was always so proud of that.

 

Their mother was in the military and retired from the Marines. Yup! She was a strong woman alright, but how she managed to land Terry as a husband Mickey will never know. The name Terry or dad is never mentioned around the house, nor will any of his older siblings talk about him. Even if Mickey where to mention Terry sometimes, not a word is said. Mickeys learned to deal with it and doesn’t really care about his father. As far as he’s concerned Terry was dead, that’s what he always figured being that Collin had custody of him and Mandy since he was younger. As much as he can remember which is not a lot, he hated Terry and for some reason when he even thinks of him, he starts to get bad headaches. Until he wills them away or just stop thinking of his dad or the name Terry.

 

For some reason, oddly Mickey has been getting more headaches recently and has been waking up more and more exhausted. Waking up tired has become something he was use to over the years; however it was happening more and more often. Mickey could never figure out why was it that he would go to bed early, and still wake up tired. Apparently having 8 hours of sleep doesn’t really do it for him, not even 12 hours, and he’s still tired. He didn’t know why, but he figured that he just wasn’t getting enough sleep or rest at least. Whatever the hell it was; he was starting to become annoyed with it. However he just assumed it was work or his relationship stress, whatever the fuck it was that made him feel like he was getting no sleep whatsoever.

 

Was it stressed? He didn’t know, he knew it wasn’t money issues he was well off. And by well-off he was given a trust fund by his older siblings when he was younger. He never knew why, but they always told him that this was his money and that he never had to work in his life. So when Mickey turned 18 and was granted access to his money, he wanted to invest in his older brothers Auto Garage shop. Helping him Iggy and Mandy expand the business was something he wanted, and they ended up owning a few auto shop garages now. Southside Auto’s was known around, if you wanted your car fix from the best you went here. New or old and classic they did it all. They mostly owned many of their shops in Chicago and some even in New York.

 

Mickey always had a thing for music and dancing; however he never would dance in front of no one, and he kind of couldn’t really dance at all. Hence him never dancing in front or around anyone, so nope that wasn’t for him. However he loved the party rave scene and techno house music was his thing. But he just never danced and all he ever did was listen to the music and view others enjoying themselves. So along with being co-owner of a well-known auto shop business with all of his siblings; He and Mandy owned a few club in New York that was taking the scene by storm.

 

Mandy being the one who got her Master degree in Business and minored in accounting, always made sure everything was good and flowing. The books were good, money was coming in and both his business made him more than okay financial. So Mickey knew that money couldn’t be stressing him out, and that the Auto shops were doing well along with the clubs he and Mandy owned. So why was he not getting enough rest? That was the question he was thinking of. Why was he always tired, even when he slept early? Another thing was all of these headaches he was starting to get more of. Why would he get headaches sometimes even after he took painkillers? He started to wonder about it, but then left the thought alone.

 

Then he thought to himself that maybe it was work. Was it work? Did that make cause him to be exhausted event after getting the right amount of sleep he was supposed to? Was it family? What the fuck was it; he didn’t know. One thing he was sure of was that working at the garage was one thing that wasn’t making him this exhausted. He loved to work at the garage. For some reason Mickey likes to go to work and work with his hands. That weird isn't? Even though his brother told him he didn’t have to work and that he could practically live at home and do nothing at all and still get paid. But that wasn’t Mickey. He tried that for a week and he didn’t last not even two days before he said fuck it and went to the main office of Southside Auto Shop and put on a pair of overalls and start working on any car that needed work on.

 

To this day he can never understand why his brothers would prefer him to just piss off and do nothing while they went to work every day and did work. So why couldn’t he? Being the youngest Milkovich he always felt as if they were so careful around him for some reason and he never knew why. Since he could remember he thought money was never a problem, so it was like they wanted him to just live his life and be carefree with no responsibilities, and just let them take care of him. Fuck that! Mickey didn't want his two older brother and older sister taking care of him because he was the youngest of them all. He could take care of himself, he didn’t need to be baby by anyone.

*****

Mickey starting to wake up every morning with a headache and for some reason is was getting worse, but it didn’t affect his normal day routine. A normal day for Mickey was him getting up from bed as he is doing right now. Making himself a cup of coffee, doing his morning push up and sit-ups then making himself breakfast. Then of course typically he goes, takes a shower and head out to the office. He would either go in his car or motorcycle bike, which to him was his one and only girlfriend.

 

As soon as he would get into the shop, Mickey would quickly get himself situated. Looking over what needed to be ordered for the shop. Always double checking with Iggy real quick on things. Then he would go put on his overalls and get to work on any car that needed repairing or looked over. Sometimes Mandy would even be caught wearing overall working on a few cars because well that’s what they all did. They were good at. Mandy was mostly always in the office but whenever she was working on cars, it was message of saying she needed to get away from the office for a while. Iggy preferred to work in the office mostly but if need be he would be out their handling customer as well at either location in Chicago. Collin handled all of the Southside Auto shops in New York, which meant he lived out there with his wife and daughter. He would visit Chicago every two weeks to obviously check up on things in Chicago, but also to see his siblings.

 

Mickey always enjoyed seeing his niece and his brother and his wife. So it’s not like family was a stress factor here. So what the fuck was it? Mickey’s problem is one he knew he could handle. Being exhausted, the lack of energy sometimes, and even his random headaches, he was going to have to figure out on his own. He did think about that maybe it was his relationship issues he was having. Mickey thought about how he and Colt have been drifting apart, with each of their work schedules being a conflict; and also with Mickey and his feelings towards Colt. He cared for him of course he did, but in a way he didn’t romantically love him yet. It was complicated; in fact he wasn’t in love with Colt at all and never told him he was. Even though Colt would always tell him he loved Mickey. Mickey couldn’t say it back. Colt was a nice guy; he's tall, with a light, caramel skin complexion, blue eyes and dark brown hair. He’s 27 years old, older than Mickey who is only 22.

 

Colt is more of a safe kind of person, not really adventurous type, more of the laid back kind of person, never got into trouble and is somewhat of a snob at times. But safe is what Mickey always felt like he needed for some reason, but also kind of hated it in a way as well, yet he never knows why. The sex with Colt was okay not the best but okay, and Mickey managed to get laid when he needed it. What Mickey would say was that Colt was the best at giving  head hands down . Colt likes to bottom a lot and Mickey was okay with it, he just wished they would switch from time to time, I mean couples do that right?

 

Lately however their sex life was mostly now of hand jobs, or groping one another to get the other off faster, and they had sex once in a while and not like they used to. Mickey still found Colt attractive and felt like he could settle down with him and learn to love him. Colt was a good guy, who wanted to take care of Mickey and love him. So Mickey would think why not right? But Mickey just wasn’t ready for the whole marriage thing. Too big of a commitment for him. Shit, he and Colt have been going out for 3 years and they haven’t even moved in together or discussed it. And that was definitely okay with Mickey, because he didn't want to give up his Loft that he owned. He had two places, one here in Chicago and the other in New York on the Upper East Side of Manhattan which he loved. Especially when the sun would be going down or coming up and he always loved to look at the city. This is why he loved his downtown loft apartment in Chicago. The view was always amazing for him.

 

The 3 bed room apartment Loft he has in Chicago is his bachelor pad, that he refused to give up. Now I know what you’re wondering, why three bedrooms? Well Mickey always told whoever the fucked asked that one room was his gaming room, the other his own bedroom and the last his Office or art/music studio so to speak. Even though he didn’t know how to paint or draw for shit. Who knows maybe one day he will learn right? It’s only fair, and for some reason he felt like he needed it.

 

Mickey and Colt relationship was serious just not extremely serious. If you can say so. Being together for three years yes, but moving in together was something Mickey was ready for but also wasn’t ready for in a way. Colt would stay over sometimes; he did have a few of his clothes in Mickey’s apartment and did have a tooth brush and soap there for when he stood over. So yeah that was as far as it was to him and Colt living with each other. Yet not so living with each other. And they were content with that. Either Colt stayed with Mickey sometimes or Mickey would stay with Colt in his apartment. Colt works in the hospital as a nurse and a lot of the time his schedule changes and he mostly gets the night shifts.

 

So recently Mickey was thinking about asking Colt to move in with him, but then again something in his mind always said no. Maybe this was the reason he felt like he never got any sleep and would get headaches? Or maybe it was the lack of sex he was not getting recently. That’s a funny thought right? Either way he would eventual figure it out, or maybe it would go away in time. If it was Colt and that was an issue it wouldn’t be for long, because whenever something happened between them, things always managed to fall back to place with Colt. At least that’s what he thinks.

 

Well it was time for work and he would rather work on a car at the shop then worry over something he thinks will eventually pass. I mean it always does… doesn’t?

************

It’s Friday morning and Mickey is doing his regular routine. Early morning workout, shower, breakfast, coffee and getting ready to head out for work. Only thing is; is that he’s not going to work this morning. He calls Mandy and Iggy and lets them know that he wants to surprise Colt at his apartment and fuck. Well he doesn’t telling about the whole fucking thing, but yeah he wants to spend time with his boyfriend and he’s sure they can figure out what he means. Yeah Mickey wanted it, and he was going to get it, one way or another.

 

Mickey arrived at Colts apartment and lets himself in with his key. Colt was in the shower so Mickey knew this was the perfect time to get on his boyfriend and show him how much he missed him. Undressing himself quickly, Mickey opens the door to the bathroom and stepped in. For some reason Colt must have heard Mickey because the curtain to the showers was open and he was stroking himself and giving Mickey a lustful smirk. Mickey couldn’t help but looked amused at Colt, and then grab his boyfriends hard dick and stroke it as he was kissing him deeply. Colt wrapped his arms around Mickey as they were making out in the shower, then he latched his mouth onto his neck and began sucking on Mickey’s neck just the way he likes it.

 

Colt then dropped down to his knees and without a second takes Mickeys cock into his mouth and began sucking him hard and good. Swerving his tongue on Mickey cock and bobbing his head up and down. Mickey threw his head back against the tile and grabbed a hand full of Colts hair tightly. While Colt continued to suck him off, Mickey started to thrust and fuck Colts face. Colt then deep throat Mickey, and Mickey was panting fast and telling Colt how good he was.  “Just like that baby…Hmmm yeah keeping doing it like that… Fuck” said Mickey. Colt kept using his tongue and then released Mickey from his mouth with a ‘pop’. He looked up at Mickey and was sucking on the tip of his dick and smiling. “You like that don’t you?” Colt said.

 

Mickey Nodded his head and said “Fuck Yes” in a moaning sound as Colt continued to suck on the tip of his dick. Colt then stood up and turned around so that his back was facing Mickey and then began to grind on Mickey dick and said. “You know what I like?” Grinding harder he said in a breathless voice “For you to fuck me hard and rough. You think you can do that for me baby….. Fuck me hard now just how I like it.” Just with that Mickey grabbed Colt and bent him over and started prepping him. He wet his fingers with his mouth and then pushed two fingers into Colt, not bothering to start with one finger. He was scissoring him nice and good and then the third one was slicked in nice and smooth making Colt jolt up and moan Mickeys name. Colt can’t help but beg for more as Mickey is stretching his hole nice and good. Then Mickey takes his hard cock and slicks it into Colt as he is bent down over the bathtub.

 

Mickey could care less as he pushes hard into Colt and starts to open him more as his cock is buried deep in Colt. Mickey slammed into Colt making him nearly scream out in pleasure as he was hitting his prostate. Colt was moaning loud and screaming with pleasure with ever thrust and every hit of Mickey cock hitting his prostate. The constant thrusting was making Colt’s thighs violently shake as he was moaning more and screaming Mickeys name. Good thing his neighbors worked in the morning. Mickey was lost and he kept on thrusting in deep and harder just thrusting; Colt was jerking himself while making sure he balanced himself with one hand leveling himself on the bathtub edge. Hitting his Climax Colt was already done, but Mickey wasn’t finished. It was as if he wasn’t even himself while he was pounding into Colt even harder and faster and erratically now. Making Colt almost fall over and making his legs feel like jelly.

 

Mickey was lifting Colt up and moved him and pinned him at the corner of the shower, having one hand on his hip and the other on Colt’s shoulder. At this point Colt was whimpering and moaning cries of pleasure with every thrust Mickey makes, hitting his sensitive sweet spot. Then soon Mickey is reaching his climax but as he is cumming with moaning sounds he’s slightly confused, as he is on cloud nine. When he’s done Colt looks at him with hazy eyes and kisses him lazy and sloppy. “You have never fucked me like that. That was new.” Colt said Mickey’s still dazed from it all and looks at Colt and smiles. Yet for some reasons he’s confused and nervous but doesn’t say or let Colt know. Instead he says, “Yeah well you loved it didn’t you? Maybe next time you can fuck me like that and then you’ll know exactly how I feel right now.”

 

Colt smirks and says “Maybe; maybe not depends on how I’m feeling, you know I prefer you to Be fuck me more than me fucking you” in a playful manner then kisses him again and gets out the shower after he has made sure all of Mickey’s semen is out of him. “Hey. You coming out or are you going just stand there in the water and prune up” Colt says

 

Mickey looks at him again and give him a smile “What? No I’m going to wash up, I’ll be with you in a minute okay.” Mickey says

 

“Okay” Colt simply says and walks out the bathroom.

 

Mickey stares at where Colt was standing, silently freaking the fuck out about how he had no idea how he went from starting to feel up Colt getting one hell of a blow job and then all of a sudden he’s cumming with no memory of pinning him to the shower wall. They fucked for a good 45 minutes and Mickey can only remember Colt grinding on him and then it’s like he blanked out. “What the fuck” he whispers to himself trying hard to remember but then starts to get a headache so he stops. After he washes up he gets out of the bathtub, but suddenly he stop and looks at himself in the mirror. What he sees is nearly freaking him out, because right now what Mickey sees can’t be.

 

In A confused yet frighten voice Mickey breaths out “WHAT THE FUCK!”


	2. What the F*ck?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How could Mickey not remember yesterday....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so the Italic font is Mickey thinking in head. This chapter is longer, so I hope you like it. Again please do leave your comments and let me know what you think. if there are any ideas you want me to put in there let me know. I kinda introduced my favorite red head but I promise there will be interaction soon with Ian, but Ian and who you'll have to read to find out.

As he walked away from the club floor off from the stage and away from the lap dances he just gave, he was thinking to himself.  _ Hmm what's today day? Ah yes today that’s right it’s Wednesday. March 8 _ _ th _ _. Today that mother fucker better have my money or I’m gonna break his fucking hands.” _ He walked up to the bounce “Hey Griff I need your help.”

 

“ **What do you need man?”** Griff said

**“I need to collect, do me a solid and Collect the money and keep 50 percent you know that deal, leave the rest and slip it in my locker** .”

“ **No Problem who is it? Is it the same guy like last time?"** Griff said while cracking his knuckle and face serious and ready for a fight.

“ **Yup and he’s over there.** ” He pointed to short guy dark skin guy with dark brown hair. “ **After I knock his teeth in just ask for the money and do the rest, I have to go get change my shifts over.”**

The 5’7 built guy walked over to the short dark skin guy. He tapped him on his shoulder and punched him dead in his face with a left hook. The guy short guy stubble back in pain and had the fear in his eye.

**“Do your thing Griff.** ” He mumbled to Griff and walked off to the back.

**“Hey dick breath where Nick’s money?** ” was all he heard and laughed when he heard another punch and a scream from behind him. 

He walked into back of the changing room in the club. He’s wearing nothing but black and gold booty short. He had just finished give 5 lap dance and made about $250 bucks easy. But he needed his that was owed to him and he didn’t feel like fighting today, which is why he asked Griff to do him a favor. Anyway besides that, he usually prefers to work on the stages; better tips and more free time to be free on the dance floor. Moving to the music was something he always loved, which always gave him satisfaction. But his shift over so he goes to his stations and sits down and is slightly exhausted yet energized. He grabs his bag and takes out his pop tarts and starts to eat it.

Walking towards him is Jeff another dancer.  **“Can you believe that assholes out there. He thought he was going to get a free lap dance. What an ass! And he had the fucking balls to ask me if I can break a 50, then he was humping my leg, and then fucking cam, what an asshole”**

**“Oh come the fuck on man, me and Nick are trying to eat here.”** Alex said to Jeff while eating his sandwich before going back out on stage he supposes.

 

Nick laughed at his co-workers.  **“Yeah well that what you get for giving lap dances to cheap assholes. See you gotta find the ones with the wedding rings on their fingers or with the tanned line on their ring finger”** He say while wiggling his ring finger.  **“They’re the ones that will pay the most, because they don’t get none at home from their wives because their deep in the closet. And they’re willing to pay big bucks especially if you go with them into the VIP rooms.”** Saying with a smug smirk on his face; Nick was very blunt with what he said and didn’t give a fuck who like it or didn’t.

**“That gross but true”** Alex said **“Plus they give you lots of party favors if you want to make it easier I guess.” He shrugged his shoulders as he told Jeff all this**

Nick took out his joint and lit it up nodding and agreeing with Alex.

**“Hey Nick you want some.”** Alex said while lining up the coke up on his table station.

**Nick nodded his head as he spoke “hmmm, nah not today, I told you I’m trying to lay off that shit.”** Nick said with the joint in his mouth.

Alex offered Jeff some but he said no. Then Jeff turned to Nick and asked  **“It gets better right?...I mean when I went out there I felt like I was going to pass out or even worse throw up.”** See Jeff was the new guy and young like Nick and Alex; however Nick and Alex have been doing this for a while so they know the ropes.

Nick looked at Jeff and turned his body to him and said with a serious yet soft tone. “ **See this is what I do. I close my eyes and let the music take me. I hear it and I let it take over me. Move with it while I’m dancing and not pay attention to the old geriatric fucks out there. It’s like I’m on the outside of the world just watching. Like I’m not there and like they’re not there watching me. Think of it as if you’re watching yourself from the outside.”** He then places a kiss on Jeff lips and turns back to his seat.  **“It works for me.”** He said smiling looking at Jeff up and down.

 

Jeff saw the way Nick looked at him and smiled back. Nick got up went to the bathroom and right behind him was Jeff. He led him to the bathroom stall and then threw him up against the stall and started kissing his neck. J eff got down on his knees and pulled Nicks booty shorts off and took him into his mouth. Nick heads fell back with his eyes closed tight and mouth open. Jeff sucked him hard and moaned around Nicks cock. Nick grabbed his hair and started to fuck Jeff’s mouth and then within a few second later a hot liquid was being poured down Jeff throat. Jeff got up and went to lean in and kiss Nick, but he moved face and shook his head.

**“Sorry Jeffery man I don’t kiss and..." (Nick didn't have any nice way of putting words to shit he thought so he told the truth) ah your head game was not all that by the way”** Nick then walked out of the stall and readjusted himself and went back to his station. He looked back at him and said  **“What…what the fuck you want?”**

**“You’re not gonna leave me hanging are you?”** Jeff said with an irritated voice.

Nick laughed and walked over to his chair and put his sweat pants on and sweater. He looked at Jeff and said.  **“What the fuck do you think newbie? That I’m just gonna suck you off or fuck you or what let you kiss me?… HA! Suck my dick bitch** ”… then in a sarcastic manner Nick says  **“O wait you just did.”** Nick goes gets his backpack and heads to walkout the back door and give the Jeff the middle finger.

**“Fuck you; you asshole!”** Jeff shouts but Nicks already out the door and walking further into the club.  He loves dancing and being at the club at night dancing like nobody's watching is what he loves.

But now Nick was horny and was looking for a good fuck for that night. Just like the night before and the night before that night. His eye landed on a tall redhead guy who was at the bar drinking.  He looked sexy from Nick’s view, so Nick went towards the bar and sat next to the redhead.  **“Hey you; you here by yourself.” Nick said flirting with this guy.**

 

The redhead looked at him and chuckled and went back to his drink. Nick raised his eyebrows and nodded his head slowly to himself. Nick thought to himself;  _ Okay so this guy wants to play hard to get. I like that _ .  _ Hmm I wonder?  _  “ **So you either came here with someone and don’t want to talk to me or you’re having a bad day and just want to get wasted.”**

The redhead snorts and shook his head but said nothing, so Nick continued to talk to him.  **“But you see if you did come here to get wasted then you could have done it at any bar or simply went to the store and got yourself a bottle and drink away whatever the fuck is wrong with you…. Am I right?** ”

Nick smiled at the guy and the redhead just looked at him with amusement. So he continued and leaned closed to the redhead and spoke close and lowly in his ear  **“So why don’t you and I. Get the fuck outta here and have our own fun. I can give you a private dance. Free of charge of course…and anything else you want can be free of charge.”**

The redhead look at him now and Nick got instantly got lost in his big green eyes. But these eyes were sad; they weren’t there for fun of any kind. There were more of lost and dead like as if the guy did want to forget. For some reason Nick step back took the drink from the redhead’s hand, grab his hand so he was looking at him more. Then he said to the redhead  **“My names Nikolai, Nick for short.”**

The red stood up, and yup Nick was right he was tall and had nice muscles.  He smiled and looked Nick up and down and leaned in towards Nick and said in a lowly heavy voice  **“No”.** Then walked off away from Nick, but not before turning around to look back and see Nick standing there in a shocked gazing at him. The redhead smiled and waved bye to Nick, but then blew a kiss at him, and walked out the door. Nick smiled and laughed to himself.

 

**“Okay red…you wanna play that game. I’m down for the play.** ” Nick told himself. He went and got a shot of whiskey and walked out after the redhead.

 

========================================================================

You see if you were to go to sleep one night or one morning, and awake to find that by some unknown reason you were transported into a dark cold room.  The rational mind has come to teach us that we would think of 1 of only 5 possible explanations. 1 being that you have to be dead that can explain it... right? 2 being that maybe your dreaming and that this is all but a fucked up dream. 3 maybe someone has played a fucked up trick on you and it’s not real none of this is real. 4; being that shit maybe you are crazy, or it can be you having a bad trip on some shit you took. And finally 5 being that you really are in a dark cold room.  

The last thing Mickey remembers was lying down with Colt after he got out the shower from his minor freaked out. What he saw in the mirror could have not been right. But this, this was weird, how did he go from going to bed with Colt, to right now being in his art studio room looking at a painting he was doing. Mickey put his paintbrush down and looked at the painting. The painting was of a redhead with green eye, beautiful and pale, high cheekbones so defined yet Mickey had no idea who this was that he painted.

“What the fuck? I’m home." Mickey walked out the room and said "Colt… Colt are you here?” Mickey walked out the room and it was dark. Everything was dark and his apartment was cold. He went to turn on the thermostat and the lights on. His stomach growled so he went to the kitchen to make himself something to eat. He was getting a headache again and decided to take some aspirin.  

He was home alone by himself. He heard his phone ringing and went to toward it. There it was on top of the coffee table. He had over 10 miss calls from Mandy 20 from Collin alone and 10 from Iggy. Even Colt called him and text him.

Colt: Mick where are you? You left and didn’t say bye.

Colt: Mick pick up your phone your brothers and sister called me saying you didn’t go to work?

Mandy: Mickey what the fuck where are you?

Mandy: If you didn’t want to come to work you should have called dumbass.

Mandy:  Mickey seriously where the fuck are you? I’m coming over to the house open the door.

Mandy: Mickey where are you? You’re not home?

Mandy: alright shit head if your ass does not fucking call me Ima have the whole fuck state of Chicago find your ass. Collin and Iggy are fucking freaking the fuck you; you’re not answer the phone. Where are you?

Collin: Mickey hey pick up.

Collin: Mickey where are you? Mandy said you’re not home.

Collin: Mickey seriously pick up the phone!

Collin: MICKEY! MICKEY

Collin: Mikhailo Alexis Milkovich I swear to god if you do not fucking call me I’m gonna kill you I find you. YOU’RE WORRYING ME! PICK UP THE FUCKING PHONE NOW!

“Oh shit!” Mickey said. Collin never uses his real name unless he is beyond pissed or worse worried as hell to a point where he would kill him. Without a second thought Mickey calls Collin. 

“Hello Mickey! What the fuck? Are you okay, is there anything wrong? Mickey are you there? Mickey!” Collin was practically shouting over the phone like a lunatic.

“Jesus! Collin I’m here what the fuck?...I’m fine I’m okay. What’s up? Why is everyone calling my phone and texting me as if no one’s heard from me in a few weeks or some shit! I only took off today to spend time with Colt. Mandy text me saying I didn’t go to work but I told Iggy and her I wasn’t coming in today.” Mickey said to Collin over the phone

“Mickey” then there was silence over the phone. Then Collin spoke. “That was a few days ago man. You told them that Friday and its Tuesday. The last time Colt heard from you, was Friday morning he said. And that was when he last saw you. He said when he woke up you weren't there. So where the fuck have you been?” Collin asked him

“What!?” No that couldn’t be right Mickey thought “No… I mean I fell asleep in his bed after he fell asleep and then…” Mickey said trailed off then stood silent trying to remember how he even got to his apartment.

“Then what Mick? Cause you're not home. Mandy went by to your place and you weren't there. So where the fuck did you go that you couldn’t answer your phone or text your brothers and sister that you are okay.” Collin sounded more worried than annoyed over the phone. And Mickey felt bad, because his brother did so much to take care of him, and here was mickey making him stress over him like he always did.  Mickey hated it, but he knew that was Collin way of being worried and always has been since he could remember.

“Collin… I’m-I’m-I’m” He started to stutter, “I’m Home, I was in my art studio, you sure Mandy came here and check the apartment?”

“Mickey we all went there, me Iggy and Mandy, we search the apartment to try and find you since the place is fucking huge but you weren’t there.” Collin was silent then continued when Mickey said nothing.  “Look baby bro, if you were with someone that fine you know I won’t tell Colt. That’s your life, your business, but you can’t just disappear like that on us man. We worry about you.” Mickey was silent then he spoke. “I’m not cheating on Colt okay. I wouldn’t do that to him”

“Hey, no one is saying that you are, I just figured since we couldn’t get a hold of you. I mean I had went through some of your stuff to see if you left a clue as to where you were at and I found your bank statements. I saw charges on your card at the Four Seasons hotel downtown, I just assumed okay… Hey even I sometimes need to get away and I even turn off my phone and just get in the car and drive around but not for almost 4 to 3 days Mickey. You really scared the shit out of me and Mandy she gonna fuck you up.”

Mickey was silent and confused. When the fuck did he go to the Plaza? “Yeah no…um you said you check my statements.”

“Yeah man you should really shred that shit if you don’t want Colt to check them and assume shit. I mean Mickey you said you don’t have no one else on the side but uh the Fours season hotel? Well we called there and they said that your card was charged and you were with someone but you left. Again I’m not judging man your young I know just next time fucking call us okay.”

Mickey looked at the phone like his brother was crazy and shook his head. There was no way he was at the Four Seasons hotel downtown…right? “Look I’m sorry Collin, it ah, It won’t happen again okay. Um I’m gonna go shower and lay down and rest, but I’m Home okay so don’t worry.”

“Okay man I’ll let Mandy and Iggy know, and I guess call Colt when you can okay.”

“um yeah okay sure.” Mickey said slowly and unsure of what his brother was telling him about the hotel and the charges. He hung up the phone and went to his computer and login in to his bank account. He was confused at what he was seeing, charges to the hotel where there clear as day, and they went back months. He honestly didn’t check his accounts often. He owned his apartments, he paid for his light and heating billing every month by check, he used his card for supplies, his insurance, food, and other things he needed but hotels no.

************************

He quickly got his keys and walked out the house as fast as he can. He text Colt saying he was home and not to worry that he would see him later or call him tonight. Colt didn’t text Mickey back so he figured he was busy at work or maybe on his way to work. Driving to the Hotel Mickey was angry, pissed off and annoyed at the fact that he couldn’t remember anything. He parked his car and got out and walked into the Hotel. He was greeted by a young woman who knew him by his last name. She was short, blond hair with light brown eyes. “Hi Mr. Milkovich how can we help you again today?"

"Excuse me do I know you?" Mickey looked at her like she was crazy.

She looked slightly surprised but smile and said “Of course you do, you’ve been coming here for about I want to say close to 5 month with your hot guy friend. The redhead one! Where is he by the way if you don’t mind me asking? You guys are always together” she said to Mickey

Mickey decided to play along and see how far he can go with getting information out of the young woman without looking like he was crazy. Because for some reason even though he has never met her, she seems to know him and now she said he’s been coming here for month apparently. That was new information to him, even with his bank statement saying so; and with a red head?  “Um he’s not here actually. I ah, I wanted to ask if someone can help me out… See um my card was charged extra and I don’t quite remember somethings that are charged on there and when I was looking at my last card statement it was charged on there as well. For two rooms actually and from what I know I only use 1 room.  So is it possible for you or someone to look up my records from the very first day I came here. So that way I can let the bank know and they can fix it. I’m sure it was a mistake on their end or maybe someone stole my information from the front desk.” Mickey said to her

Her eyes widen and she was slightly shocked, she nodded her head and then proceeded to look up Mickey’s information on the computer. “Um yes no problem I will definitely look that up for you Mr. Milkovich. You know we take pride in your private information to make sure none of our employees are doing no such thing. I am going to look that up for you right now.”

“Thank you so much” Mickey smiled at her, he knew that mentioning if an employee was taking his information and charging his card would lead to legal action and that would lead to a lot of mess that the hotel would not want.

“Okay. So since you have been coming here for almost 5 in a half month there has been no double charge on your card in our records.” She said looking Mickey in the eyes. “What I can do is print your records out since you are a Platinum VIP member so you can give to the bank and they can sort that out, but we have not charged you double at all sir.” She simply said to him politely.

Mickey nodded and waited for the papers but instead he asked if they can be emailed to him instead and the young lady nodded her head at him and did just that. He thanked her and left hotel.  While in the car he took his phone out and started looking at the email that was sent to him moments ago. This information did go back 5 in a half month of charges to the hotel room along with food and liquor. Since March? What the actual fuck? Since March these charges have been going on his card, yet he’s never been in here? What the fuck? And that lady knows him…How? Plus It’s almost September how the fuck? What the fuck, this can’t be right. No. Mickey’s thinking to himself and none of this is making any sense.

Plus the statement showed that he was... he was there last night? Mickey just sat in car thinking of when and how the fuck could this happen to him. Apparently they knew him at the hotel; this was going on for almost 5 months, which one girl knew him that means the staffs at that hotel knows him, and by his last name none the less. And he was a fucking Platinum VIP member which is beyond him. He still can’t believe this…he was there at this hotel last night, just last night and all he can remember was laying down in bed with Colt after getting out of the shower... He remembers looking at himself in the mirror thinking he was crazy for what he saw and then he went to go lay down with colt. So what the Fuck? Without thinking he just starts the car and drives home.

When Mickey got home his phone rang and Mandy text him saying she was kick his ass when she see him. He looked at the text and just rolled his eyes. He walked past his art studio room and remembers the door he left open, the picture! That’s right! He went in the room and saw the painting again. Redhead with emerald eyes; “who the fuck are you?” he said to himself. Was this the redhead the young lady from the hotel was talking about? Shit why can’t he remember!  

Mickey then started to get a headache again and this time it was bad and he put his hand on his head and dropped to his knees. He really needed to rest and sleep. This was a bad fucking migraine he assumed and he went to the bathroom to take a shower. It felt good, the shower and the water on his back as he was just standing in the hot water. He started to wash himself and all of a sudden he started scrubbing himself harder and harder. He didn’t know why he was scrubbing himself so hard and now his skin was red. He washed the soap off and got out the shower fast. He didn’t want to look at the mirror but he did and this time he was more still and frighten then the last time it happened.

Mickey was shocked and frightened looking back at the mirror. What he saw was not him. I mean it looked like him, but it wasn’t him.  His reflection was him but the guy in the mirror was smile with a devilish smile, his hair was spikey and his eyes looked much more blue to Mickey. Mickey wasn’t smiling so why was his reflection smiling at him. Then what had Mickey thinking he was freaking the fuck out was when he saw his reflect chuckle and put a finger to his mouth and said “Shhhh” While still smiling in a more cynical manner.   Mickey’s headache started again and this time it felt more painful. He put his hand on his head bent down then looked up. 

He must have been delusional or something because now he was staring at himself, with a towel wrapped around his waist and water dripping down from his hair and his chest. He moved his hand in front of the mirror and his reflection did the same thing he was doing. Mickey thought that maybe he must have been bugging out. He exists out from the bathroom and went straight to his room to lay down in his bed and sleep. Not about two minutes later Mickey felt himself drift off.


	3. How The Fu*K

He was in the cage dancing to the music. He was moving his hips, bending down and letting the audience of men throw money at him in the cage he was in. He always was so use to it, and loved the attention. When the music got more erotic his hips got more erotic. His body went with the music every time. He danced like no one was watching. He would hop on top of inside the cage with his legs spread open and bend down looking directly at the redhead in front of him. As if to say ‘yeah this is for you’.

Some of the men would call his name “ **Nick!”** he would look wink at them, but when the redhead motioned him for his lap dance he smiled with lust and bit his lips.  Nick collected his money and walked off stage towards the redhead, where he dragged him into the back room where you would usually take the VIP at. This redhead of his was his only customer he brought back here; you can say it was somewhat of a mutual arrangement. Ever since that night, Nick and his redhead have been somewhat on a high. And Nick loved every minute of it as well as the redhead. Nick set the IPod up on the speakers and began to dance. Swerving his hips back and forth while on the redhead.  He pushed down and grinded his ass down on him never losing eye contact with him.

Now customers aren’t allowed to touch the dancer, but this redhead was Nicks. So he didn’t mind when the redhead grabbed his hips as he moves to the music. Nick breaths heavy down on his redheads neck and whisper to him  **“So you’re having a good time.”** With a smile on his face. He leans back up to looks at the redhead, who was looking at Nick with hunger in his eye. So Nick continued to talk to him.  **“Now I thought you said you weren’t going to come here anymore to see me after you caught me with that guy the other night…Something about me being a fucking asshole and a slut…isn’t that right? I mean you did say that and now you’re here.”** Nick said to the redhead.

“ **Well-being that I did say that** ” the redhead looked down to the floor and up at Nick again. “ **There’s just something about you that I can’t keep away from.”** the redhead said slowly with a smug look on his face.  **“Plus… I never did ask you out, so there’s no reason for me to be mad at you. Am I right? We fuck, we have fun, and that all we do right?” The redhead said**

**Nick thought about for a minute and smiled looking down at the redhead and moved his hips again “Yeah I guess that all we do… but you see if you want me and I am all of me”** Nick said has he barely brushed his lips over the redhead and trailed it down his neck licking it and sucked it before returning to look at him.  **“Then you’re gonna have to win me over. Besides I didn’t fuck that guy, I just made you think I was going to. Did it to make you jealous Ian.” Nick said now.**

Ian raised his eyebrows and said “ **Oh so you did it to make me jealous. Why? Huh. What was the point in that? And why would I believe you? You saying you didn’t fuck him yet you were all over him making out and your fucking hand was in his pants** ” Ian said with a some venom in his voice. Looking at Nick now furiously

Laughter came from Nick and Ian looked like he was serious but also amused at Nick's response.  **“Well because I like it when you fuck me hard and rough. Seeing as you left me, I just left that asshole with his dick in his hand and went home and fucked myself with my toys and jerked off to you.”** He sighed and pouted looking at Ian. Like he actually pouted and that amused Ian a bit. Nick then said while he grab Ian from his pants  **“But it wasn’t the same as I was moan your name and wishing it was you that was fucking me.”**

“ **You think this game don’t you!? Making me jealous and wanting me to come back to you like a little bitch? Fuck you!”** Ian was about to move Nick off of him and storm out when Nick grabs his arm and pinned on the couch.

“ **No it’s not a game, but I want you and you want me. So why don’t you cut the shit out and come get me. You want me, and then come get me. If not keep it moving and don’t fucking coming back here”** Nick said while looking at Ian who was giving Nick a devilish smirk smiling at him.  **“So do you want me?”** he said smiling at the redhead and spreading his legs even more open for him while licking his lips.

Ian smiled at him and picked him up and kissed him rough. Wrapping Nick’s legs around him and walking towards the wall. “ **Your mines…no one else, you got that.”** He put Nick down and looked at him and kissed him hard this time with a deep kiss.

“ **So are you saying you tying me down…because I’ll have you know that I have to let me other boyfriends know that Ima be taken by a hot ex-military redhead who does not play well with other.”** Nick said in a playful manner.

Ian smiled looking down at him “ **Yes. You’re my man and no one else understand? You’re taken Nikolai.”**

**“Hmmm. Okay you got me…maybe I a sort of like you a lot. Maybe I do…I mean I guess I can be your boyfriend if you really want me that bad… I can deal with that, plus you’re hot and you fuck like an animal. So okay yeah I think I let you be my boyfriend.”** Nick chuckle and lean into Ian and kissed him slow yet rough and bit his bottom lip.   **“So my shift ends in an hour…you gonna wait for me and be my bodyguard” Nick asked**

“ **Yeah”** Ian smiles at him while he says it. “ **Then I’m gonna take you home and fuck your brain out.”** While slapping Nicks ass.

“ **Ouch that my hurt** ” Nick says laughing and is out of the room back on the dance floor.

As he got on stage Ian saw his boyfriend. Yeah sure the first encounter they had Ian was a dick and played hard to get. But after words he couldn’t resist him. And granted Nick was private person, Ian’s only gone to the hotel with him, an expensive hotel nonetheless but they’ve been a regular therefore now for going on 5 months and more. At one point he thought Nick didn’t have a place to stay and was probably hoping from place to place, but then again how the fuck could he afford for them to stay at an expensive hotel every night they fucked around. Then Ian thought that maybe he was married and was using Ian as a mistress, but Ian asked around and Nick was single. He was known to do random hookups, one night stands. Never sleeping with the same guy and he even whore himself out sometimes, which Ian never got why, but never asked either. But ever since he started talking to Ian, he doesn't go in to the private VIP shows anymore with random customers or goes home with random anymore, which was somewhat comforting to Ian but bugged him at times.

Ian loved to see Nick dance. It was like no one existed around him, and when he was looking at Ian from the dance floor, it was as if Ian only existed to him. Swerving his hips from side to side, turning around and rolling his body to the music. Ian saw this every night he came to the club for his blue eye raven hair handsome guy. He danced like no one was on the floor, carefree and alive. One of the things that got Ian attracted to him was that. That and the fact that he didn’t give a fuck about what people thought about him, and he was always willing to fight. Ian loved that edginess about Nick. The only person Nick seemed to care about was what Ian thought of him. 5 and half month ago outside the club when Nick went out to Ian, was a day he will never forget. That was when he knew this guy would most likely be the death of him.

When Nick’s shift was over; they didn’t end up at Ian’s place, not this night anyways instead Nick took them to their usually hotel room, which they were regulars at. Nick went to the front desk of the hotel and came back with a room key and grab Ian buy the hand and they went to the elevator to the last floor. It was always the same room which always shocked Ian every time walked through the door. He wondered why a guy like Nick would spend his hard earned money on Ian at a Hotel like this. If the ex-military man was not shocked he was always impressed with him. When they walked into the room as always there was a large silver gray sofa with a glass coffee table in the middle; behind the sofa was a huge window where you can see outside the Chicago night. All the buildings the lights it looked amazing. To right of that was a huge TV. Further in to your right was a bathroom. Glass doors, a big tub by Ian’s standards, it was amazing. Then there was the bedroom. King size bed with a view that looks even more amazing every time. There was two dresser on each side of the bed with lamps on them, A TV towards the left of the room, and the curtain were open as if the view of Chicago was exposed to them. Nick was smiling at Ian and Ian couldn’t help but smile back.

Nick walks over to Ian and grabs him buy his shirt and kisses him in a desperately manner. Grabbing him by his waist the kiss turns into something frantic. Ian was kissing him and brings him closer. He goes for Nick shirt and lifts it off him. Nick goes for Ian’s shirt but he stops him. He always does that. Ian and Nick have been fucking for month and Nick knows about his scars and battle wound, but now he doesn’t care. He wants to see all of Ian, every ounce of him. Nick looks at and give him a reassuring look then he says in a low soft whispers “It’s okay” slowly takes his shirt off and then looks at Ian chest with is dog tag. Scars and wounds he see on his mans chest. Ian looks away being so self-conscious but Nick simply kisses him and bring him down to the bed running his hands on Ian chest. Kissing the scar on his shoulder, the scar on his chest, the scar on his arm, and then goes to suck on his neck. Ian is moaning and grabs Nicks ass to make him grinned on him.

Nick moves to kiss Ian hard and rough, this time he gets up removes his pants and then goes for Ian. He unbuckles his pant and removes them in record time. Simply admiring the other man under him. Nick goes to slide down Ian and is licking and nipping on his body. He rubs his hand over Ian’s nipple and gently yet roughly licks it and sucks on it. Having Ian moan with pleasure and arching his back. Nick begins to kiss down on Ian chest and towards his thighs then he slowly licks and sucks near his hip while stroking Ian. Ian is lost in Nick’s touch. He’s moaning and loving every moment and ever touch Nick is giving him. Nick then looks up at Ian and without looking anywhere but at Ian not breaking eye contact Nick takes Ian into his mouth. And Ian just throws his head back on the pillow and trying hard not to thrust his hip up. Nick begins to suck Ian further down and deep throating him. Swallowing Ian and flicking his tongue and swirling it like it was nothing more he wanted to do. Ian loves the way Nick lips are on him. His soft wet warm lips sliding down Ian; Nick loved sucking Ian off, it actually got him off, but right now he wanted to please Ian. (After all, Ian is his boyfriend now, so it’s only fair to give it all to him.) Nick continues to move his head up and down sucking hard and swirling his tongue around Ian cock. He starts to suck on the tip of Ian’s cock and makes eye contact with Ian who can barely keep his eye open has he throws his head back and is panting fast. 

“ **OMG! Shit. Fuck.”** Ian says as he breathes out. The things Nick did to him were magical, unreal and so fucking good. Nick released Ian from his mouth with a pop sound, Ian whined in protest but gasp when he felt Nick suck on his balls. Putting each one in his mouth and sucking on them lightly, and coming back up by running his tongue along Ian’s hard aching cock. He started flicking his tongue around the tip of Ian and that made Ian push his hips up.  “ **Sorry** ” Ian says in a whisper. But Nick just smiles at him and continues.

 

Nick presses his tongue onto Ian’s slit and licks the precome that has gather then and Ian’s lost in his thoughts and is barely making sense of what he is saying. He grabs Nicks hair and is tugging on it “ **Fuck Nick… shit”**

“ **Mmmm** ” Nick moans while he has Ian in his mouth and then he releases himself from Ian once more, and goes up and kisses him tongue first and passionate. Nick is sucking on Ian’s bottom lip and is jerking him off at the same time. Ian grabbed Nick by his ass squeezed it, he rolled him over so now that Nick was on his back and Ian was on top of him. “ **Come on baby get in me now”** Nick said with a smile and was panting slightly.

Ian went for the lube next to the dress on the bed while sucking on Nicks neck, and all Nick can do was moan and gasp for air as Ian began to suck a mark on his neck licking over it. Nick felt Ian pushed 1 finger in his hole and then the second finger was added making Nick moan and arch his back up. Ian’s long fingers scissoring Nick made him whimper in pleasure and he was trying to fuck himself with Ian’s fingers. When adding the third finger Nick was at a lost and Ian loved to see him loss himself has he prep him.  **“I’m good Ian come on… mmm. Fuck me now”** Ian then removed his fingers, and Nick made a groan sound in protest, but was then rewards with Ian slicking himself up and then moving towards Nicks.

 

Nick wrapped his legs around Ian’s waist, but Ian took his legs and hooked over his shoulder and propped Nick’s body up. They each held each other’s gaze as Ian pressed into Nick slowly. Once Ian was flushed inside of Nick; having him inside of him Ian leaned down and kissed Nicks neck and sucked on his earlobe.  **“Jesus Ian”** Nick hissed and groaned as Ian began to thrust into him slowly and deep. Nick dug his fingers into Ian’s back and Ian grabbed Nick and thrust into him harder. He took some of the lube and put it on Nicks cock so he can jerk him off. 

Nick was scratching and marking Ian’s back and Ian continued to thrust in harder and slower. Nick was making loud sounds and moaning and Ian was loving ever fucking sound Nick was making. Ian started picking up the past and now he was fucking Nick harder and fasters. Slamming into with every thrust and Nick was now making screaming sound of pleasure and that was driving Ian over the edge. Nick was close and within two thrust he was cumming so hard between him and Ian his moans alone send Ian over the edge and he was coming hard inside Nick. They rode out their orgasms and Nick was twitching with pleasure with every thrust Ian made. They were both on full blown ecstasy.

Ian pulled out of Nick and Nick winced as he felt empty without Ian inside of him. He rolled over and kissed Ian deep and slowly. Breathless as he was he was ready for a second round with Ian, but knew he had to let his redhead rest up…well just for a bit. Ian’s afterglow was amazing and Nick pushed a strain of his hair from Ian’s face and admired him even more. Nick was in love with this man, and it scared him. It scared him because he knew that this would be his biggest problem. But he would be damned if he wasn’t allowed to love Ian. No he had to make this permanent no matter what. No matter what he deserved happiness after everything he has done and gone through, it was the least he should get back right? But for now he just quietly took in everything around Ian and not let the outside world burst their bubble.

Ian turned his head and smiled at him, god that smile he could get lost in it forever. They fucked all night and when it started to turn daylight Nick got up to head to the shower and get ready to head out.

**“You know one of these days being that I am your boyfriend now, you really have to tell me know where you live at and what you do on during the day. Being that we are in a relationship now”** Ian said in a soft yet tired voice. He liked that Nick was mysterious and to himself. But Ian wanted to know more about him. In the matter month they were just hooking up, Nick told him minor things such as what he like, what was his favorite color was, what music he like, and even that he drew. He knew Nick was left handed, hated basketball, loved hockey and baseball, and was smart as hell. He knew that he preferred Batman over superman (which by the way ended up in a heated debate with Ian that eventually Nick won, provided that sex happened right after he won his argument). It was certain things he talked about. Some things however were not to be discussed such as his family, which Nick expressed he has none.

All Nick told Ian was that his mother was dead and that he never knew her. This was sad Ian thought; Ian told him he never knew what his mother was like and how she was always in, and out of his and his siblings lives, and how his father was a drunken asshole who was good for nothing. Nick would always stiffen up when Ian asked about his dad, but Ian brushed it off and figured it was best not to ask. Nick knew about Ian joining the military after high school, and got his college degree while in the Military. Nick knew about his all his scars and knew what happen to Ian when he was out there. He knew about his siblings and what Ian like and didn’t like.  But Nick, he was a mystery, they never been to Ian’s place and Ian never been to Nick’s place, but that was going to change, no matter what Nick thought.

Nick looked at Ian and smile and softly said  **“soon baby…soon; soon I’ll be all your and no one and I mean no one, is gonna take that away from me.”** Ian was tired and barely understood what Nick was saying but smiled lazy and fell right to sleep. When Nick got out the shower he walked over to Ian and gave him a kiss on his forehead. He placed a note on the dresser like he always did and left. He didn’t want go, he wanted to stay, but he knew he had to get back. Which annoyed the fuck out of him; he wasn’t strong enough not yet, but soon he will be.

*********************************************************************************

Nick walked into his big ass 3 bedroom apartment with his book bag like he did every morning; this morning was way later then he had expected to come in. He went to his room took off his close got into his boxers and pajama pant and put his book bag at the back of his closet. He walked over to his bed tired and removed the bed cover and threw himself down on the bed and covered himself up. He had a long night, a fucking great night and now he just wanted to rest. He closed his eye and smiled as he went to sleep.

*********************************************************************************

It was weird, Mickey was dreaming of this redhead and the incredible sex he was having with him. He kept turning in his sleep and was annoyed when he heard Colt come in his room and call him. He grunted and was tired as he looked up at the clock and saw it was 8 am in the morning. He raised himself from his bed and looked at Colt who had somewhat of a look and concern on his face.

“What is it babe” Mickey asked in tiredly. His head was pounding and he felt like shit, his body ached especially his ass which he didn’t know why.

“Where were you?” Colt said

“What?... What do you mean where was I? I’m here talking to you in my bed, where else am I going to be Colt.” Mickey said tiredly he was annoyed at the stupid question is boyfriend just asked him

“You weren’t here last night when I came to see you. And I called you but your phone was off. I waited until I had to go for my shift. I text you and called you but you didn’t call me back or anything. So I decided to come here after my shift was over.” Colt sounded irritated and tired. Mickey knew that night shifts were not easy for him, but what the fuck was up with him. He’s been here the whole night sleeping.

“Babe I’ve been here sleeping all night. And honestly I’m not feeling well right now. I feel like shit, so can you please make some sense right now.” Mickey said to Colt with his eyes half open and closed. Man he was really tired and exhausted he couldn’t even open his eyes all the way.

“Like I said Mickey I came by here in the afternoon yesterday after you called me and left a message. I stood here to almost 5pm and you weren’t here. I called and nothing” Colt was now irritated and started to pace around in Mickey room.

“I don’t know babe, maybe I must have went out for a drive or something. I mean I know I fell asleep and I haven’t been feeling well, but I’ve been here all night sleeping.” Mickey said rubbing his eyes trying to wake up “Maybe my phone died or something. I don’t know.” Mickey was getting annoyed with Colt and was about two seconds from kicking his ass out so he can sleep, because honestly he felt like shit. Plus who the fuck was Colt to interrogating him like this. Mickey did nothing wrong. Okay maybe he doesn’t remember leaving if he did, but he’s been here all night sleeping. Excuse him for being tired.

Colt walked to him and placed his hand over Mickey head. To see if he had a fever or something. “Well you are a bit warm… Do you want me to stay with you?”

“No babe you don’t have to, go home and rest okay I’m fine I just need some rest that’s all. If anything I will call my cute hot nurse of a boyfriend over, so you can take care of me okay. And who knows maybe you can wear a nurse outfit or some shit” Mickey laughed and Colt smiled at him but it fell when he looked Mickey in the eye. 

“You sure?” Colt said again

Mickey nodded his head as he spoke to Colt “Yes. Now go. Ima go wash up and lay back down okay. I’ll call you later. And I’m gonna charge my phone okay.” He kissed Colt and headed to bathroom. He heard Colt say goodbye and left. For some reason Mickey felt weird and had a light headache, but nothing major. His dream was intense, like really intense it felt too real. He felt bad for fantasizing and dreaming about another guy that he didn’t even know or let alone know he was real or not. How would Colt take that, Mickey felt guilty about his dream. But it wasn’t real so why should he; he’s pretty sure Colt probably dreams of other guys and wake up feeling like he was on cloud 9 from intense sex dream.

Mickey walks into the bathroom to wash up and turns on the light, but stop himself from doing anything as he saw his neck. It was light and he sure as hell knows Colt didn’t not see it being that it was dark in his room and the lights were off. His Neck…What the Fuck?! It was a fucking hickey. Just like in his dream the redhead sucked on his neck and it felt fucking good as if he was there. He touched it and looked at it carefully. “What the fuck… How the fuck?” was all Mickey said. He walked out the bathroom and went to find his phone. He then called the one person he knew he could trust more than anything. He called Mandy and told her to come to his place like right now and that it was important. He needed to figure this shit out now, because now has he looks at his body. He sees he has marks all over his body that he didn’t remember physically having before. He remembers that he was dreaming of a redhead. He didn’t know why. No something was up! He knew it he just didn’t know what. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The bold font is of Nick and Ian, and the next chapter will have more of Mandy and Mickey and the Mickeys brothers. Plus Im not sure if that one will be longer than most, but I will figure that out. Also note its going to get dark as Mickey past is going to get revealed and its going to cause trouble a lot of trouble for him and the consequences his siblings are going to have to deal with in a way. I am going to take my time with those chapter of the ones that get dark. Please let me know what you guys think.


	4. Mickey are you okay?

 

While waiting for Mandy, Mickey started to get a slight headache, and then all of a sudden he was hears cries. The cries sounded familiar to him, but he didn’t know why. It felt like they were in his apartment, like he could hear them near him, so he searched his apartment for the cries. He was sure he thought he was hallucinating. He even opening the door to his loft to see if there was anyone out there crying, but there was no one there. He walked back in his apartment and then the cries got louder and he put his hand to his ears and tried to ignore the sound. He heard a little boy say “Please stop it! Please! PLEASE NO!” The little boy sounded more scared and in pain, but Mickey didn’t know what the fuck was going on. The cries and sobbing, and then it stopped. It stopped like nothing. He didn’t know what to make of it. He then walked into the kitchen and grabbed a few painkillers and got a cup of water. He stood in his kitchen confused and alarmed about what he just heard, then he heard someone a voice. It was his. 

“Miiiickey. Oooooh Miiickey!” The voice was laughing now and Mickey’s headache was become slightly worse. “Come on Mick, it’s me! You can’t keep out for long. You know that don’t you.” The voice was confident and cocky if not bold. Mickey was rubbing his temple trying to ignore the voice in his head, thinking he was just going fucking crazy. He didn’t know if he should tell anyone about this. He still didn’t know what the fuck he was going to tell his sister when she got here. This was all too much for him and he felt like he was going to split any moment.

Within moments Mandy was over at Mickey’s apartment in a flash. He sounded frantic and she was worried about him. He had been acting different lately; being more sleepy, having headaches, and being cranky more than usual. Mandy called Collin and Iggy to let them know she was going to meet up with Mickey. She told them she would keep them posted if anything was up. As soon as Mickey heard his door open he ran to the door. Mandy was there with Pizza and a six pack of beer. Mickey grabbed the beer and instantly opened it and drank it. He needed not to think for a little bit.  He and Mandy went into the sala to sit down and relax. Mickey drank one more beer before he looked at Mandy.

“So… What’s up?  You sounded like you were about to have a fucking nervous breakdown or some shit? I was in the middle doing the numbers for the books for the clubs in New York and some shit is off.” She started to say. She knew how to make Mickey feel more comfortable and help him. She can tell something was bugging him and he needed to relax and collect his thoughts a bit “I think we might have to take trip out there again. Either me or you, which will most likely be me of course.” Mandy said and continued to talk like nothing she was still slightly upset that Mickey for doing that disappearing act on her and their brothers, but now she can see maybe he needed some space? Maybe or maybe not who know. “Fucking we have this guy in New York who want to invest in the club, but want to do things his way or some shit and you know I’m not with that shit. Plus the license and permanent have to be renewed and I fucking forgot about them which I never do. And I just dump this asshole I was hooking up with because he didn’t want to be in a commitment. So your shit better be worth me dropping my work for and my random girls night out I was going to have.” Mandy said to him

Mandy was looking at Mickey careful now has he was tensing up. Mickey hesitated a little. So he started talking to Mandy unsure of what he was going to tell her “Um okay I don’t know where to start.” He simply said to her.

Mandy sighed and looked at Mickey with soft eye “Just start anywhere Mick...Look whatever it is you can tell me okay. It’s me, we tell each other everything…right?” she said to him

Mickey looked at Mandy and was silent; he hasn’t been telling his sister everything because he figured he could deal with the lack of sleep he was having and lack of memory of things that he was apparently doing. Like the whole Hotel thing and the spending of money, and even his black out with Colt; but what he recently just experience a few minutes ago he wasn’t sure he wanted to tell anyone. Yeah he’s heard his voice say shit to him, that would bring him to do things or say certain shit, but this….This time it was fucking weird. He was calling his own name, trying to talk to himself, and those cries. Where the fuck did those cries come from.

So he decided to just tell her what he thinks was best. He started to talk to her and was a little uneasy but went for it. “Okay so, see the thing is. Ummm… okay See Mands I think I’ve been really stressed out. ( _ yeah let got with that for now. Mandy seems to have a lot on her plate right now _ ) Like I can’t explain it. I don’t know if its stress of some shit. Like I’ve been having like random dreams of this guy. And I woke up with this on my neck.” Mickey pointed to the hickey on his neck and Mandy looked at it. She smiled and nodded at his hickey in approval.

“Touche Mick! Well shit, you and Colt got hot and heavy last night, maybe he marked you and you didn’t know? What he thinks he owns you or some shit now” Mandy didn’t like Colt, but respected him because of Mickey but now she was giving Mickey a nasty look at the fact she thought Colt mark him.

“Mandy! No! That’s the fucking thing. I wasn’t with Colt last night, he was working.” Mickey said to her instantly

Mandy had a shocked face and smirked at Mickey. “Well Shit Mickey congrats to you. I mean Colt is alright but like I said you can always do better than. He’s kind of tries to control you and I don’t think he like me or Collin, and you know how he can be a little snob about shit.”

Mickey knew his siblings weren’t fond of Colt but he didn’t care. Mickey looked at his sister and rolled his eye and sighed. “Mandy you’re not getting it. I was here all night. I fell asleep yesterday I was pretty fucking exhausted, and I don’t know I passed out. Colt came this morning because apparently when he came yesterday I wasn’t here. He said he tried to call me but it went to voicemail or some shit.”

Mandy tilted her head frowned her eyebrows at Mickey as she spoke to him “Okay… Well are you sure he came here?” She asked her brother

“Well no not exactly, he said he did. But Mandy that’s not what the fuck concerns me right now. I woke up with a hickey when I went to bed without one. And I’ve been dreaming about this guy, and in my dream last night we were you know.” Mickey motions his hands to his sister so she would put two and two together. She didn’t, sometimes Mickey wondered how Mandy managed to get her degree if she was so smart, let alone pick up guys. “We were fucking in my dreams and it got hot and heavy. Like I mean I felt like I could feel him, feel all of it, and in my dream he fucking marked me and gave me this hickey on the same spot right here.” Mickey said as he pointed to his neck.

Mandy looked at Mickey like he was crazy. He knew he should have kept it to himself and figure this shit out on his own, but right now he needed his best friend which was his sister to help him the fuck out.

“Mick are you sure you didn’t go out or some shit. There’s no way you can go to bed without a hickey and then wake up with one. I mean you use to always get high and drink and forget what you did half the time……….You sure it’s not stress maybe. I mean if you’re cheating on Colt, and again I don’t give a fuck, like I said you can do better.” Mandy said it with no shame in her voice, as if she was a little amused with Mickey hooking up with someone else, completely ignoring the fact of him not remembering anything about what might or might not have happened. “But that can be lead to you not remembering maybe; I mean shit I don’t know Mick. You’re positive you didn’t go out and get fucked up and forgot what you did. I mean shit we all have done it.” Mandy said like it was nothing

“I was thinking it was stress to or maybe I did go out, because colt said my car wasn’t here when he came…..But Mands if I did that, that means I cheated on Colt and I wouldn’t do that. But I don’t remember going out. I remember going to bed. I was really exhausted, and this morning I woke up feeling like shit and my body hurts all over. Plus why the fuck would I get high, I haven’t done any of that hard-core shit in years. Yeah I smoke weed, but not to have me completely fucked up to a point where I don’t remember. I get good shit, but not that good, and I can hold my liquor way more than you, Collin or Iggy.” Mickey was still trying to piece together where he may have gone yesterday. “Plus Mands come, follow me.” Mickey says and gets up and walks off the other room with Mandy behind him

They went into his art studio room, Mickey went to his paintings and pulled the painting he had drew of the redhead out. It was stashed away at the back of his rack just in case Colt saw and questioned him. He really didn’t want to fight with him if Colt saw it. Mandy was right, Colt can be a bit of a snob, and was sometimes jealous for no reason. It was a reason why Mickey stopped painting and drawing. He himself was never good at it, but for some reason he made that room an art studio, that consist of anything he like, which was his music, paintings he would mess with just to mess with. He felt that he needed this room to be just that, and never knew why. It felt right to have this room as a gateway from reality in a way. Colt thought it was stupid, and even told Mickey he couldn’t draw or paint and felt the room can be used for something else, but Mickey ignored him. He always ignored Colt, or at least tried to.

Mickey showed Mandy the painting and even she was astonished by the painting. She knew Mickey had this room for whatever reason he wanted, but this, this painting was actually good. She touched the painting and her mouth was open, but she didn’t say anything for a few minutes. Mickey looked at her and waited for her to say something or make a noise, anything really.

“Wow” Mandy said in a form of a whisper and Mickey looked at her wide eyes but said nothing. Then she spoke. “Wow Mickey this is…I mean this is fucking awesome; I had no idea you were that fucking talented Mick. You painted this?” after a few seconds Mandy spoke again “Wait. Who is this?” Looking Mickey dead in his eyes.

“That’s the guy Mands, the one I dreamt about. I was painting him for some reason one day and I didn’t remember painting him, but I did. I don’t know who he is, or maybe I do. I mean I don’t know.” Mickey said frantically

“Look Mickey maybe you hooked up with him and I don’t know decided to paint him. I mean he is pretty fucking gorgeous if this is what he looks like… I mean are you sure it’s not stress and your just simply forgetting a random hook up with a guy.” Mandy said.

“Okay Mandy if that so, then how the fuck… Uuugh Mandy none of this is making sense and I’m not sure what to make of it.” Mickey was looking at her with worry in his eyes. He really didn’t know what any of this meant. Then all of a sudden he started to get a headache again.

“Fuck!” Mickey bent down and grab his head, it was hurting more and he felt himself become light headed and he felt like he was detaching from himself and then…

Mandy went to Mickey and kneeled down to him in concern. “Mickey! Mickey what wrong are you okay?! Mickey answer me!” Mandy was rubbing his back and Mickey was rubbing his head. He then looked at Mandy and she was looking at him; “Hey are you okay baby bro?”

“Yeah. Nothing to worry about. Just a slight headache is all; I’m fine now, sorry to worry and all.” Mickey was tilting his head while speaking to Mandy as if he was carefully watching her or some shit. Mickey whole demeanor changed and Mandy notice. He stood up and took the painting from the floor next to Mandy and put it back on his rack.

Mandy looked at Mickey a little funny then said “Are you sure you’re okay? Because you literally just almost collapsed on the floor.”

“I said I was fucking fine okay.” Mickey said with a slight of venom in his voice. He walked out the studio and told Mandy to get out and then closed the door behind her when she walked out. She felt a shift in the room, but didn’t pay attention to it.

“Okay sure whatever fuck me for caring about your ass.” She was annoyed that Mickey was being an ass all of a sudden.

Mickey snorted and chuckle with no amusement and went to grab another beer and chugged it quickly. Mandy walked over to him and grab a pizza and started to eat it. Mickey looked annoyed with her and rolled his eyes. He stood quiet and said nothing more.

“So I get why you’re freaking out about not remembering anything yesterday if you went out” She said as she was chewing her food “but Mickey I’m sure you just smoked some shit, maybe bad shit that was laced with something or maybe you’re stressed with work that you forget you went out. Unless your blacking out which is a bad thing, and you should definitely go to the clinic for that shit and get it checked out. Black out can mean a lot of shit and you’re too young for that shit.” Mandy said as a matter of fact.

Mickey looked like was thinking and looking spaced out then he said “Yeah… Yeah no; no you know what? You’re right!” Mickey said has he snapping his fingers. He sucked his teeth and said “But see, the shit is; is that I just remembered I did smoke some shit last night. Too you know sleep a bit since I’ve been sorta out of it, and I just wanted to you know, go out and shit afterwards, so I went to the club… I just sorta forgot about hookin up with this guy. He was fuckin hot and shit and he was fucking packin to.” He smiled and chuckle at what he said to Mandy, he didn’t really give a fuck. “I guess I got a bit too reckless and shit you know.”

“So the painting and the guy?” Mandy asked him

“Yeah nah I guess I just forgot. He’s pretty fucking hot. Dreaming about him and shit. Me being stressed with work and you know the clubs out in New York making shits good, I just needed a release is all you know. Especially from Colts fucking ass.” Then there was a disgust in his face just thinking about Colt got him annoyed “He startin to annoy the fuck out of me. Asking me where the fuck I was like he fucking owns me, or is in charge of me. No one fucking own me okay.” Mickey was surly acting different now; he never spoke about Colt like this. Plus his mannerism changed and the way he spoke was off. Yeah whenever he wanted vent to Mandy about Colt he would and sometimes when Colt was being unreasonable he would just vent; but right now Mickey sounded like he was annoyed with Colt and angry with him. Mandy couldn’t blame him she didn’t like Colt either. Neither did Collin or Iggy approve of him, but as long as Mickey was happy they were happy.

“Well shit Mick.” Mickey seemed to be annoyed by the Mandy calling him Mickey and clenched his teeth together but said nothing as Mandy continued to talk to him.  “I fucking knew it. I knew you could do fucking better than that asshole, but next fucking time just say it instead of fucking making it seemed like you’re going to have a nervous breakdown or that you’re going fucking crazy and shit. If you need time off we’ve told you to take that shit. You fucking work your ass off, go to New York have some time off. You sound like you need it.” 

Mickey turned around and smiled at Mandy, but this smile was more devious and focused on Mandy’s words. “You know what! I think your right.” Mickey was sounded a bit chipper and different then he did before when Mandy first walked in. “I think I need to get the fuck out of here for a while. I mean shit I do a lot and you have no idea. So Ima relax do me, or some shit.” He then mumble the last few words “Spasybi za poradu Mendi. (Thanks for the advice Mandy)” And Mandy heard them as she was somewhat familiar with some of what he said to her especially her name.

Mandy looked at Mickey with wide eyes, she knew a little bit of Ukrainian, but Mickey didn’t speak Ukrainian at all.  Their mother spoke it to Mandy Iggy and Collin fluently and when she passed away; Collin tried to teach Mandy and Iggy so that they always knew it, but Mickey didn’t know Ukrainian at all. He sometimes got upset at Collin, Iggy and Mandy when they would speak it around him, because he didn’t understand it. So how the fuck did he just speak it to her like it was natural.

“Since when do you speak Ukrainian?” Mandy asked Mickey.

Mickey raised his eyebrows and kinda of looked like he was guilty for a second, but then shrugged it off. “Since I decided to learn it a while ago. Why? It’s ah problem or some shit?” Mickey said defensively

“Getting a bit defensive are we assface. I just didn’t know you spoke it. You always got mad when me, Iggy or Collin spoke it around you. You always claimed you didn’t understand and shit.” Mandy said to him.

“Yeah well I do know it. Okay. No big fucking deal.” Mandy looked at mickey and the tone he was giving her. She looked like she was going to kick his ass. He continues by asking her if she was going to stay there longer because and I quote he said “cause I got shit I gotta do.”

Mandy had that face of a look that would make you cringe, but Mickey looked like he didn’t give a fuck and stood there looking at her like he didn’t care. “Excuse fucking me! Mother fucker! I stopped what the fuck I was doing to come over here to you for you to do a minor freak the fuck out! Shit you complain to me about something that you remembered all of a sudden and now you want to kick me out? You have got to be fucking kidding with me here.” Mandy she was full blown irritated and even raised her voice a little. Mickey seems not to be fazed by it, in fact he seems to find it funny as he was looking at her and laughing.

“What the fuck is funny Mick seriously?” Mandy hissed out at him pissed off even more

Mickey got serious and looked at her with one eyebrows up and spoke slowly and low with an irritated voice “Stop. Callin. Me. That.” His jaw was clenched and he was angry for some reason whenever Mandy said his name.

“Why it’s your fucking name dumbass. Look if you’re going be a dick don’t fucking call me for bullshit okay” She got up grabbed her coat and headed out the door; she stopped and yelled to him. “And when you decided to stop being a fucking dickwad, call me asshole.” She slammed the door and with that she was gone.

“Thank fucking gosh she gone. Fuck I don’t understand how the fuck you can deal with her shit Mickey. Then again I do, but I don’t give a fuck” He said and turns around looking at the apartment and is thinking “….Hmmm now to deal with Colts bitch ass.” He walked into the room and looked at the dresser mirror and smiled. His phone was ringing and it was Colt. He rolled his eye and looked at the phone not wanting to pick it up. But then he thought about it. No one likes Colt, shit even Mickey was starting to have doubts in his relationship with Colt. He was controlling or tried to be, and of course he would not let that happen to them while Colt was in the picture. But for some reason Mickey cared for the asshole. Collin, Iggy and Mandy didn’t like him at all; they tolerated him for Mickey sack. What a fucking idiot.

So he picks up the phone and answers Colt phone call. “What?” He answered in an annoyed voice.

“Babe it’s me you still asleep? Are you feeling any better? I was thinking of cutting out early from here to go to you and check up on you.” Colt said.

“Umm nah I’m good. Actually I have to do a few things and Ima have Mandy over for some  _ sibling time _ you know so you can stay at work ight.” He said to Colt.

“Oh okay. Sure um what about tomorrow maybe?” Colt sounded a little irritated, but he didn’t give a fuck. Even if it wasn’t true, and he had just basically kicked Mandy out; Colt didn’t need to know. Apparently Mickey cared for his siblings, why the fuck he did, he didn’t know why? But if Colt didn’t like it too fucking bad. He really didn’t know what they fucking saw in him anymore.

“Nah see I gotta go to New York and handle some shit with the clubs, so I ain't gonna be here for a few days… Yo I gotta go right now I got Mandy on the other line and shit okay. See yah”

“Okay yeah I lo” Colt was saying but was cut off.

He hung up on Colt, he honestly didn’t want to talk to him let alone hear him. It made him want to vomit and honestly punch the guy right the fuck out. He then hopped in the shower, got dressed and headed out to the club at 8 like he did every night. But this time he had a plan in the works.

*********************************************************************************

Ian was at the club waiting for Nick as usual at the bar just like always. When he spotted Nick, he noticed he looked bit different due to the fact that he wasn’t shirtless and wasn’t wearing his booty shorts. He wasn’t even wearing his normal sweat pants or sweat shirt. Nick had on some nice tight fitting black jeans that hugged his ass nicely, with a button down black shirt. He had his black boots on, and his hair was spiked up. He had an earring on in his right ear, nails were painted black, and he had black eyeliner on like he usually did when he was on the dance floor. He looked great and smelled even better. Ian almost fell off his stool when Nick came closer to him.

“So… I was wondering if you’ve seen my boyfriend around here.” Nick was smiling at Ian like he was the fucking moon and continued to say “He this cute hot fucking redhead, taller than me, he’s military, has green eyes that will make you fucking melt. He also likes me, which I don’t know why, but he does…” Nick loved to play with Ian like this all the time. It somewhat of a little thing they had “Sooooo have you seen him? Cause I’m sure he’s here.”

Ian turned to Nick and laughed fondly at his boyfriend “Well I think I might know where he is actually. See me and him we’re kind of close in a way. I mean shit by that description he does sound hot. And you’re fucking hot as well, so I’m sure he won’t leave you here by yourself for too long.” Ian said smiling at Nick like nothing else in the world matter. And that, that was the reason Nick wanted to see Ian every night. For just that smile.

“Well I can take care of myself, but my man he can be a bit of a jealous fuck.” Nick said smugly.

Ian Smiled at Nick “Oh Yeah. Is that so, well I can see why? You like that about him? That he can be a jealous fuck as you say.” Ian said teasing Nick.

Nick looked like he was thinking about and shrugged his shoulders and smirked at Ian “Of course I do, he makes me feel alive, and he likes me for me. So that’s a plus I think.” Nick smiled and Ian grabbed Nick by his waist and kissed Nick slowly and passionately. Their tongues fighting for dominance and Nick was sucking on Ian’s bottom lip and nipped it a bit before he broke the kiss with Ian. Now breathless they put both their foreheads together and leaned into each other. Both of them had their eyes closed and Nick was smiling while he was moving him and Ian side to side. The music was playing loud, but it was as if no one was in the room with them. They were in their own bubble. Ian pulled back and looked at his boyfriend fondly.

“Hey baby.” He said softly to Nick. “So how was your day? Sleep good?” Ian asked Nick.

“Yeah you can say that; I was pretty active actually. So um remember how I told you I have another job that I sometimes go to.” Nick said.

Ian nodded his head as he answered Nick “Yeah. Why?”

“Well my job needs me to go to New York for a while, and guess who’s coming with me.” Nick said in a cock voice tilting his head at Ian and smiling at him nodding his head at him.

“What!? You want me to go with you? To New York…”Ian smiled at Nick then said “What kind of job do you have that requires you to travel huh?”

“Okay so since me and you are together and I guess you gotta know what I do. I kind of own a club in a way in New York, and my business partners want me to go check a few things out, buuuuut I want to go there for fun. Me and you no one else… what you say?” Ian was shocked again Nick was really to himself when it came to his personal life. “No you know what you’re coming I don’t give a fuck what you say. I bought the tickets anyway and we’re gonna have fun, fuck, and have fun and sight see, and fuckm and fuck. And did I mention that were gonna-“

“Fuck! Yes you said that like 3 or 4 times” Ian was laughing and still shocked at what Nick said. 

“No you dick, I was going to say have fun… but yeah fuck fun.” Nick was laughing and groping Ian now. “We leave not tomorrow but the day after okay. So pack light were gonna enjoy ourselves.” Nick said to Ian like it was nothing.

“Nick I can’t just leave like that. I have the job at the construction site; I can’t just leave and go all of a sudden. And you paid for my ticket now I have to pay you back, I definitely can’t just go like that.”

“Well tell them you’re going to the Veterans thing or some shit okay. Come on Ian I don’t want to go without you and you should be out with me, traveling. And don’t worry about the ticket money okay. So don’t even start with me on that shit okay.”

“Nick.” Ian said then looked at him. He knew it was useless to fight with Nick. Nick always challenged Ian, and that’s what Ian liked so much about him. The fucker never took no for an answer. Ian sighed loudly then nodded his head and said “okay fine, but on one condition asshole.”

“Okay name it whatever you want” Nick said excitedly.

Ian smile widen and Nick was wondering what the fuck did he just agreed to. “I get to take you out on a date anywhere I want…AND you cannot for any reason object to it.”

“DEAL! Now can we go dance on the floor and make-out” Nick said as he gestured to the dance floor of the club. Ian nodded his head and they went on to dancing.

As they were dancing, they were touching and kissing; it just so happens that one person that walks through the club doors and he just so happens to spot Nick and Ian. The man looking at Nick and Ian was pissed and shocked, he just stood there watching the two of them. Nick saw him from across the room and smiled to himself. Yup his plan worked. Nick grabbed Ian by his neck and kissed him hard as he danced closer to Ian, grinned on him. When he looked back to the direction of where the brown hair blue eye man was standing; he was gone.  “Mission accomplished” Nick said to himself.

“What was that baby?” Ian asked

“Oh nothing baby. Just that I’m happy you’re coming with me.” Nick said to him

Ian smiled at Nick and kissed him again. The whole night they danced and drank and partied.  The rest was history that night as both men enjoyed each other company in full bliss.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter has more Mickey and Mandy interacting and hopefully your able to figure Mick out.  
> As for Ian and Nick this is how you see how you them with one another in how things are. The next chapter is going to be slightly longer and Ian's siblings will be introduce and I hope you like it. Again thanks for your comments and kudos love it.


	5. Two as one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter has been edit. Please if anyone see errors just let me know. I am editing this story little by little.
> 
>  
> 
> Please be aware that this chapters has some triggers and there is some violence. As for as name calling, harsh words and physical actions. In the begin of the chapter there is bold Italic writing. Part of Mickeys past is being told as he dreams it but is yet confused about it as well.
> 
> Again I hope you all are liking this story as it does have a personal impact on experience I have had as well as a special friend of mines. Again please do leave your feed backs and only constructive criticism please. Thank you so much for your kudos and comments it really does brighten my day.

**_“Stop! Please leave me alone!” He gets smacked hard onto the floor and is being dragged to the room. He’s thrown on the bed. His face is red, he has a bruise that is now forming on his cheeks, his lip is split open and he can taste the blood. The guy in front of him grabs him by his arms and yanks him down onto his knees. He’s crying and is looking down on the floor, the guy yells at him “Mickey look at me you piece of shit” He’s still looking down at the floor. His face is now emotionless he’s crying tears but not making a sound. He slowly looks up at the man, but can’t see a thing as it is blurry to him. He’s smacked again but this time it’s with a belt to the face. The sting of the smack sends him to the floor breathless and he’s holding his face again crying. The man picks him up by his throat and throws him on to the bed. He sees a camera on, at the end of the room, there’s other people in the room with them. A woman and a man; he doesn’t know why they are there and not stopping this from happening why won’t they stop him from being beaten. What did he do wrong!?_ **

**_The Woman… she’s laughing now and walks over to the bed and then…… It’s black now he just hears himself saying over and over again in cries of pain “Stop STOP! STOP! STOP!_ ** __ And then he wakes up sweating and exhausted more than ever. He’s laid out in his bed confused about yet another dream he has that makes no sense to him whatsoever. And whenever he tries to think of it and remember it; he ends up with a bad headache and annoyed as fuck.

He’s in bed, yet he can’t remember going to bed. He was with Mandy yesterday and they were talking about what was up with him, then nothing. He can’t remember anything. He had flash of him and Mandy as she stormed off out of the apartment apparently mad at him.

“What the fuck happened? That’s the last time I drink beer and take fucking 4 pills of Tylenol again.” Mickey says to himself. His headaches were becoming worse and he took more pain killers then he should. But to drink it with beer yeah maybe that was reckless, which is why he can’t remember some of his time with Mandy or how he must have crashed in bed. These blackouts were getting worse, but right now he needed to get up.

Mickey reluctantly gets up from bed and goes into the bathroom to relieve himself and wash up. He woke up in a cold sweat and was drenched. A nice hot shower would wash away whatever the fuck he dreamt about. The dreams were become more intense and he felt like as if they were real and tried to remember them, but it was too much for him to remember. Plus they were just dreams… Right? Really fucked up dreams if you asked him.

When he gets out of the shower he walks over to his dresser and saw two plane tickets to New York. He did remember Mandy saying something about the club and that one of them if not both needed to go out there to check up on them. She must have got the tickets and left them in his room sometime yesterday when she was over here. But he couldn’t remember agreeing to go with her. Either way if the tickets were here that means he was going with Mandy and he needed to start packing. The Tickets were for tonight, fuck Mandy must have really wanted to get out there quick.

As he was getting his bag getting ready for the trip, he was making sure he had his ID, wallet, and other things he would take on the plane because he had his apartment out there and didn’t need much to take with him. Mickey heard his front door slam. He walked out of his room and into the living room to find Colt there and looked pissed off. He had his bag in his hand and was packing his shit up. Mickey looked at Colt confused and walked towards him, Colt glared at him and when Mickey went to reach out to touch Colt; Colt moved away from Mickey looking at him with a death stare. Mickey was confused and there was silence in the room for a few minutes before Mickey spoke.

“Okay, so what the hell is wrong with you? Why did you come here pissed off and from what it seems you’re pissed at me? What did I do to you now?” Mickey said to Colt tiredly.

Colt looked at Mickey like he was crazy and snorted with amusement. “What the fuck did you do huh? Don’t fucking tell me you don’t know what the fuck you did okay? You’re a piece of shit you know that! A low life piece of shit who should fucking disappear from the earth. How the fuck could you do that shit Mickey? To me of all people.” Colt said angrily and he continued “After everything I’ve done for you!” Colt shouted now with venom in his voice. Mickey could smell the alcohol on Colt breath as he spoke and Mickey made a crunched up facial expression at Colt.

“What the fuck are you talking about Colt!?” Mickey shouted to Colt as he walked past Mickey bumping him and going into Mickey’s room to get his things and walked right out.

Colt turned to Mickey once he was out of his room and looked him dead in the eye. “You know what the fuck you did last night asshole. Me being the concern boyfriend called you to check up on you; you fucking blew me off saying ‘oh ima spend time with Mandy and that I have to go to New York for business work for the club so you can’t see me today’ which is bullshit seeing as you weren’t with her yesterday at all you fucking liar.” Colt raised his voice every time he spoke and it was pissing Mickey off. He didn’t like feeling small and hated when anyone yelled at him.

“Colt! Mandy was here yesterday! I was with her. We were talking about and hanging out and she brought over beers with pizza and we were discussing the club in New York for a bit. I don’t understand what the fuck you mean; that I’m lying to you and that I blew you off… She’s my sister she comes first. You know that, we've had this argument before already.” Mickey was trying to calm himself down. Mandy was his rock and yeah Colt was always jealous of that, but that’s not Mickeys fault.

“No you fucking asshole, you were at the club. You! (Colt pushed Mickey slightly now as he spoke) were at the fucking gay club downtown and you weren’t with me you fucking prick!” Colt now pushed Mickey chest harder, and almost made Mickey fall, but he managed to balance himself out before almost falling onto the floor.

Mickey looked at Colt like he was fucking crazy. “Colt what the fuck are you talking about!? I was here. I was home. Sleeping... Mandy was here, you can call her and ask her yourself, and don’t fucking push me again.” Mickey shouted back at Colt

“No fucking thank you; your siblings always lie for your stupid ass anyway, they always have Mikhailo. Collin as always been some sort of protector over you so I’m sure he knows you’ve been fucking behind my back. You think this is some sort of joke don’t you…Laughing at me and playing me behind my back. You’re a fucking piece of shit.” Colt was now inches away from Mickey face as he spoke to him. The alcohol on his breath was more strong now as Mickey smelt it.

Mickey was raised his voice and his blood started to boil at this point “First of all; excuse me, what the hell is that supposed to mean?” Mickey took a step back now looking Colt up and down and continued, (the one thing Mickey hated the most was fighting with Colt while he was drunk. The other thing he hated the most was Colt trying to make it seem Mickey was weak and would throw his siblings at him. Yeah sure Collin raised him and helped take care of him, Mandy was his best friend, and Iggy well Iggy was his brother that Mickey went to just whenever really.)  “Look you know what…your bugging the fuck out, I don’t have time for your stupid shit okay? You do this shit every fucking time whether it’s a stupid argument we have and you involve my brothers and sister for no fucking reason or its whenever I have to go to New York as if I can’t go anywhere without you being there.”

“FUCK YOU!” Now Colt was in Mickeys face again and this time he was staring down at him “You’re a coward you know that. If you wanted out of this relationship, you should have said so! At least be a man about it Mickey…. No you know what you’re not a man…You know what you are” There was a brief pause and Colt started pointed his finger at Mickey speaking in a slur voice “you are nothing. You’re a nobody who wishes he was a somebody! That’s why you have no friends, you have no life, you work and fuck me and apparently fuck other guys behind my back but you’re nobody, you piece of low life shit!”

Mickey was beyond pissed now “Fuck you Colt! Get the fuck out!” Now Mickey was shouting at Colt. What Colt said was true he felt like a nobody most of the times, and yeah he did have a few friends but he was a loner and Colt should have not fucking went there with that. Knowing Mickey had trust issues and was anti-social. It hurt nonetheless. But one thing’s for sure, was that Mickey wasn’t fucking anybody else, he was with Colt and Colt alone. So he had no fucking clue as to why Colt was acting this way towards him.

“What, the truth hurts don’t it.” Colt grabbed Mickey by his arms and roughly pinned him against the wall with full force. Mickey was glaring at Colt now like he was fucking crazy for pinning him against the wall. It made Mickey very uncomfortable and he wanted Colt out now. So Mickey pushed Colt off of him and told him to get the fuck out. He didn’t want to be near Colt let alone talk to him when he was like this; drunk, angry at him apparently, and incoherent. Colt was definitely looking for a fight, but Mickey wasn’t having that and he refuse to let it get to far.

“No! I want to know why Mickey? Why the fuck you would cheat on me with some random asshole huh? What? What does he do huh!? Does he grab you and fuck you hard and rough? Is that it!?” Colt grabbed Mickey again and threw him on the bed roughly he pinned Mickey on the bed. Mickey tries to get Colt off of him and they scuffled for a bit as Mickey refused to have Colt pin him down. He just wanted him to leave. Colt raised his hand and was about to hit Mickey as he had him pinned down, but Mickey managed to block his hand. Then Colt got the advantage again, and pinned Mickey down with one hand holding Mickey down tightly and rough with full force hurting him, and the other groping Mickey. Mickey hit his head slightly against the bed frame as he was trying to remove Colt from off of him. He started to panic all of a sudden, and he’s trying hard to push Colt off, but Colt had more advantage over Mickey. He was like he was stronger than Mickey and Mickey is trying so hard to fight and get this asshole off of him. But nothings working and Mickey is panicking more.

“Colt get the fuck off me… You’re drunk and you’re hurting me!” Mickey said frantically, he felt like this had happened to him before and he was scared of that feeling. So he thought maybe if he tried to talk to Colt in a more claim and reasonable tone of voice that Colt would get off of him. “Colt…Colt please stop, okay. Let just talk!  _ Please stop! _ ” The last words Mickey pleaded with Colt, and he tried again to get his hands free from Colts hold, but it wasn’t working. And Colt started to touch Mickey more aggressively. He went towards Mickey neck and squeezed it slightly and then ran his hands down to his crouch and grab him through his pants. Colt grabbed Mickey from inside his pants, and was talking to him, but Mickey was lost and couldn’t hear Colt. Mickey didn’t want this and all he was trying to do was get Colt off of him. But Colt wasn’t getting off of Mickey and he wasn’t hearing him. Mickey started to breath heavy and was getting dizzy. He was getting a headache and it was hurting like hell, he closed his eyes from the pain. It was as if he was drifting off, and felt himself leave. ( **_He could hear the voices again a little boy crying saying “please stop, daddy please stop I don’t want to! Please stop it!)_ **

He was looking at Colt now with a disgusting look on his face. He went ahead and head bud Colt right in the fucking noise. Colt than grabbed his nose and was when he pushed with full force, Colt off of him on to the floor and got up off the bed, all in one fast motion. He walked over to Colt (who was on the floor still in pain and bleeding a lot by the way) and looked at him and tilted his head then kicked him right in the side of his stomach. Colt gasp for air and cried for him to stop. He didn’t stop he continued to kick Colt and when he was satisfied he stepped back and looked at the brown hair blue eye man on the floor. Colt looked up to find Mickey standing over him holding a gun pointed right at his face. Colt face turned white and he know looks like he sobering up when he saw the gun.

“Get the fuck out NOW!......Don’t you ever! EVER touch him like that again!” Mickey’s words made no sense, but they were venomous nonetheless as he cocked the gun back ready to shoot Colt if he needed to.

Colt got up the best way he could, while holding his bleeding noise and most likely broken ribs. He watches Mickey in fear and gets his things from the floor and walks over to the door. He turns and looks at Mickey before he left and said. “You know I knew you were crazy, but you’re still a pussy.” Colt said carefully as he continued to look at Mickey holding the gun in his hand pointing it right at Colt.

The black hair blues eyes man looks at Colt and smiles at him then said “Well yah know what? You’re a fucking coward who would have raped me if I didn’t kick your ass. So fuck  _ you _ asshole… And so yah know; yeah I was with another guy last night. A way better fuckin man than you dick breath… Now leave before I put 2 in your chest!... We’re done, don’t fuckin ever come back here.”

“Please, I was done with you a long time ago Mickey. You…(Colt chuckles lightly) you were just too blind to see that… So good riddens! If any of this (he motion his hand between the two of them as he continued to talk) has taught me anything it’s to never fall for the little cold heart pussy selfish prick of a boy with fucking commitment issues.” Colt went to leave again and when the door was open he looks at Mickey again and said “next time I see you I hope your dying from bleeding out. Because knowing you Mickey; the first thing you’re going to do when all of this is over with is do what you always do. When you realized you fucked up a good thing like me, you’re going to go get your razor and cut yourself like you always do when you can’t handle shit. But this time take a warm shower and then cut your wrist vertically. That way you really do fucking bleed out.” Colt said coldly

Whether Colt meant it or not, he didn’t know but frankly he didn’t give a fuck either, all he could do was laugh at Colt as if he gave a fuck. “Fuck you, asshole. That ain’t gonna happen. Now you can keep it the fuck movin’ you drunkin piece of shit. I’m in control now.” He went ahead and shot the gun past Colt’s head so that Colt knew he wasn’t fucking around. Colt dunk his head and looked at Mickey like he was crazy.

“Any other smart as fuckin comments you wanna say before you leave?”

Colt was silent and with that he threw Mickey’s keys at him and slammed the door. The blue eyes black hair man walked over to the door and locked it. He goes and walks over to the bedroom and went into his dresser got out his earring put it on his right ear like he always did. Got out the black nail polish and did his nails real quick. Spiked his hair up and put his eyeliner on carefully like he always did. Looking in the mirror he smiled, he was back and ready to have fun. Colt was out of the picture just like he planned, and now to just disappear was all he needed.

He looked at the time, the flight to New York didn’t leave for a while, so he got his phone and called the one person he knew he could count on and for some odd reason he felt safe with him. It was a new feeling…he never felt safe with anyone. He always protected them and had to…You see he has always been the one who was always the protector. So having someone else make him feel safe of all things, was a new feeling. That whole shit with Colt brought him back and those memories he hated were strong enough to let him be in control again. He was able to come out and play; and this time Mickey wasn’t going to get in the way of that.

The phone rings.

**“Hello?”**

“Hey Baby! Um you think I can come over to your place?” He says over the phone

“ **Yeah sure. You okay?** ” For some reason he always knew when something was up. Cough it up to him being an ex-military he thought.

There was silence over the phone and he didn’t know what to tell Ian. He must have been thinking a little bit to long before Ian got suspicious and continued to talk to him.

**“Nick! What’s wrong?** ” Ian said quickly after Nick didn’t say anything.

“Just an ex-boyfriend came around all drunk and shit, and tried to fight with me and he got me riled up and I kicked his ass. I just want to be with you right now okay. Is that a fucking problem to be with my boyfriend?” Nick said it as if was nothing to Ian. For some reason he couldn’t lie to Ian about what happen, if it was anyone else maybe. But this was Ian…Ian who was well….

“ **What!? No its not. Wait why the fuck was he over there fighting with you?** ” Ian said with concern and worry in his voice.

“Weeell! He saw us at the club and was upset I’m guessing, he tried to attack me, but I got the better hand and he left here with a broken nose” Nick said with pride in his voice. He could hear Ian on the other line moving doing something.

“ **I’m going to go get you, give me your address now Nick.”** Ian was like that. Protective as hell and who can blame him; Nick figured it was the whole Military service protective time shit.

“Na baby, I don’t wanna be here. Plus I got all my shit packed, well what Ima take anyway. Give me your address so I can go to you, you ass.” Nick says to Ian.

Ian laughed then got serious and asks Nick  **“are you sure you don’t want me to come get you. I’m dressed and I can get you if- .”**

“Nah I’m good I don’t need you to try and go all red hulk and shit... Plus when I get there I will be undressing you” Nick was flirting with Ian over the phone while walking around his Loft apartment getting his book-bag and putting the tickets wallet and a few other things for the flight. He took the keys that Colt threw at him and threw them in the garbage disposal. He didn’t care if he broke it or not, he wanted nothing of Colt near them.

“ **Okay baby see you soon.”** Ian says to Nick while laughing.

“Aight be finished with your packin ight. That way we can have fun before we get on the plane.” Nick laughed and hung the phone up.

When he finishes getting dress, he smiles in the mirror and said to himself looking at the mirror as if he was talking to someone else “don’t we look fucking good Mick.” He laughed and left apartment with the book-bag in tow. Nick walked out the building smiling and not giving a fuck, hopped in the car and drove to the address Ian gave him.

Meanwhile Mandy was at her place with Collin in her living room. Iggy went out to go get some food. They were talking about a few things and how Mandy was going to go to New York for a few days for business. She mentions her whole encounter with Mickey and how he might take some time off to. Collin then asked how Mickey was doing, seeing as how Mandy told him she was going to Mickeys apartment to check up on him because he was upset about something.

“So what was up him? He and Colt get into another stupid fucking argument again.” Collin said while looking threw his phone.

“Well. Actually No. Apparently, he freaked out because he had a hickey on his neck and went out and hooked with some random guy. Told me that the guy was hot and packing apparently. Which was weird, because Mickey has never talked to me about his sex life even before Colt?” Mandy says while sitting across from Collin on her arm chair while looking up flights to New York on her computer.

Collin looked up from his phone shocked. “Wait. What? Mickey cheated on Colt?” Collin paused then continued to talk “You know I asked him if he was fucking around behind Colt’s back and he told me no. He nearly bit my fucking head off.”

Collin didn’t say anything just shrugged it off. He tried to call Mickey this afternoon, but got no answer. It went to voicemail. He knew his brother was acting different, but that meant he lied to him when Collin asked him if he was with another guy. Collin didn’t care if Mickey was gay, in fact Collin use to threaten Mickeys old flames whenever Mickey would bring them home. Collin found out Mickey was gay when he caught him. Catching your brother having sex was one thing, but being his legal guardian and making sure he’d practice safe sex was another. God he hated when he had to give Mickey the talk and he thanked god when Mickey told him that Mandy already did that.

Collin always told Mickey that if he ever need anything or needed to talk to him he would listen. Even if it was about boys; Collin didn’t care at all. As long as Mickey was okay and that no one will hurt him. He made that promise to his mother years ago before Mickey was born to always protect his brothers and sister.  That was what Collin always did; protect them no matter what… especially Mickey. So that one time he failed, it was Mickey who paid that price for it.  For so many years Mickey paid the price for his stupid selfish mistake. But that was in the past now.

“Yup! Well, he told me. I mean he was acting different a little, but no more than the normal of Mickey acting different you know…and hey did you know that he speaks Ukrainian. He mumbled a few words to me and when I asked him since when he spoke it, he fucking got defensive and shit.” Mandy now looked up from her laptop and looked at Collin.

Collin leaned back against the sofa and looked at Mandy a little puzzled then was thinking to himself before he spoke. “What you mean he was different all of a sudden? Like what? And he speaking Ukrainian? Since when? As many times as I tried to teach him, he never picked it up.”

“Yeah he spoke it clear and fine to me, like it was nothing to him. Then his whole fucking attitude changed, I mean out of nowhere he was talking to me somewhat rude, and I felt like he didn’t want me there even though he called me over there.” Mandy said as she walked over to her purse and took out her wallet and sat back down on her armed chair typing in the numbers of her debit card to order tickets to New York “I mean I dropped basically fucking everything for him. He just was acting different all of a sudden, not before I cursed his ass out and told him to call me when he stops being a dick.” Mandy said slightly annoyed at Mickey.

“Maybe he was stress and just needed to vent and took his attitude out on you. I told you he was slightly off the other time I talked to him, but then again Mickey fucking works and barely has any fun. I’m still surprised he told you but not me…. that asshole.” Collin said with no heat in his voice.

“Yeah well the next time he calls me saying shit about he’s been having somewhat of black out or not remembering things he’s done like that painting-do you know he paints?” She said more to Collin rather than asking him, and then continues on with her first thought “I’m just going to ignore his ass if he’s going to be dick about it. I mean he practically kicked me out his house saying he had and I quote “he had shit to do” as if I didn’t have shit I had to do, but I dropped it all for his ass……This is the first time in a long time Mickey has been selfish even for him.” Mandy said as she picked up the phone because Iggy was calling her.

Collin eyebrows raised high above his hair. He was thinking to himself. Blackouts, the last time Mickey had that he was….No that can’t be. Mickey was fine, there was no way. When Mandy was done speaking with Iggy on the phone and said he was on his way up stairs Collin looked at Mandy and frowned.

“Mandy you said that he mentions blackouts or not remembering things. What you mean he was having problems remembering?” Collin said

“Well he said that he didn’t remember hooking up with anyone, and that he’s been having headaches and shit. He was pretty freaked out, but then all of a sudden he remembered and then he practically wanted me out. He even showed me this really awesome painting that he said he didn’t remember doing, but that he was painting this hot guy. And I have to admit, I know Mickey had his shit in his studio, but I’ve never seen him paint that way. It was actually good. Like as if it was really good. Didn’t know baby bro had that kind of talent.” Mandy said as she went to the door to let Iggy in.

Collin got up all of a sudden, and went to the window and dials Mickeys number. He was ringing and ringing then it went to voicemail.  He received a text a few seconds later from Mickey.

**Mickey** : Leave me alone.

**Collin** : Mick I need to see can you talk.

**Mickey** : No! Bye.

**Collin** : Mick, seriously I need to see you.

**Col\in** : Mick please answer me.

Nothing came. Not another text or anything, and Colin had a bad feeling. He was going to have to see Mickey and ask about his blackout to make sure that…. Well to make sure what he was thinking wasn’t happening again. He just hoped the past will stay in the past. But if this was happening and Mickey was having black out and not remembering things. That was going to be a problem, but then again there is a saying he has heard before. ‘The past never stays buried for too long.’ And Collin had a feeling that Mickeys past was going to come back and that meant that he, along with Mandy and Iggy we’re going to have to deal with it and the consequence that came with it. The ones he hoped he buried and that would never come out. He prayed and hoped for the past to stay buried. However now only time will tell now.

Nick knew where Ian was at instantly; his address was familiar as he did grow up on the south side as well. He pulled up in front of a house that looked kind of warned out, but big nonetheless. He opens the gate and walks up the steps and knocks on the door. He could hear a lot of noise from inside and wondered if he had the right address and even looked back at make sure. Then he heard someone say “SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GO GET THE DOOR!” it sounded like a girl.

“I’ll get it!” He heard again the same girl say. When the door opens he was greeted with a redhead girl who kind of looks like Ian, but right now he wasn’t sure. She smiled at him and said “Hi can I help you?”

“Yeah does a tall redhead freckles green eye muscle man live here?” Nick said with a giddy tone in his voice.

The girl laughed. “Yeah but he’s in the kitchen cooking… IAN! Someone here for you and he hot!” She screamed out

“Let me him in Debs!” he heard Ian shout from inside. Nick smiles and follows her inside the house.

The house was small, but comfortable in a way; when you first walk in you see an old sofa with a throw over it, to your right is there’s a tv and on your left is stairs that goes up, and a piano. Walking further into the house was a kitchen you can see a back door and to your right it looks like an old beat up washer and dryer, a door that looks like it goes to a basement or somewhere and another staircase that must have led upstairs as well. He saw Ian on his right over the stove cooking something. He leaned on the refrigerator and watched as he sees his boyfriend cook. Ian takes his breath away even now just looking at him.

Nick was laughing as Ian burns his hand with the steam that came from whatever the fuck he was cooking. Ian turned around and leaned on the counter and crossed his arms on his chest and looked at his Nick fondly.

“That’s not funny asshole” Ian said with no heat.

“Well it was hilarious to me” Nick says back and walks over to Ian and gave him a long hard kiss, and then steps back with a smile on his face “You know I love of man in the kitchen, especially when he’s only wearing an apron, jus so yah know.”

“Ha ha ha, that’s not happening no time soon.” He went into the refrigerator and grabs two beers from it and hands one to Nick.  “You got here pretty fast, I wasn’t so sure you knew your way around here. You know being that you said you haven’t visited the south side for years now.” Ian took a sip of his drink and looks Nick up and down and bit his lip.

“Bitch please, you forgot when I told you I grew up on south side” Nick said back

“Yeah so, but you haven’t been here in a long time; sure you can handle us south siders?” Ian loved to fuck with Nick and tease him whenever he could, and Nick was always a sucker for it.

“Fuck you, ass wipe. I know I can handle you in many ways and don’t forget that.” He said and poked Ian in his chest and trailed his fingers down his side.

Ian laughed softly and walked behind Nick and wraps his long arms around him and buried his face in Nick neck kissing him and hugging him from behind. Then he said gentle in his ear. “Ready to meet my family?”

Nicks eyes popped out then “What!?” he said as he turns and looks at Ian.

“Yeah that’s right I forgot to tell you that they decided to visit me and Debbie and that Lips going to be staying here for a while for whatever reason or some shit.” Ian said.

“You know when you said you had your own place with your younger sister, I didn’t imagine here… So who’s here anyway?” Nick said.

“Well you met Debbie, and Lip, Fiona and Carl went to the store to get a few things, and Liam is in his old bedroom.” Ian said.

“So this used to be your old childhood house or some shit?” Nick said looking around the house more.

“Yeah. Fiona left with Carl and Liam when she got married to her husband, and Debbie didn’t want to leave so her and Lip stayed here when I was overseas. After I came home Debbie was the only one here, and me now. But the house seems full again, so no privacy again for me. And the lack of hot water as it seems has die all over again in this house. But other than that yeah.”   Ian told Nick.

“Ian meeting your family man….. I mean shit you could have warned me at least. I kind of don’t want to right now.  Isn’t that like too soon or some shit? I only know what you told me, and from what you told me I don’t like neither Fiona or Lip. More Fiona anyway, Lip I can most like try and not to punch him in his fucking mouth. And that’s a big if; if he doesn’t go and says some stupid shit that I don’t like.” Nick said looking at Ian trying to study his face with what he said.

Ian had told Nick of how Fiona and him got into a heated argument before he left to basic training. One of the reason why he left was because Fiona was always complain about how much he was not giving enough for bills, or why he was getting into so much trouble. She even went as far to say that Ian ruin her whole life as well as all her other siblings ruined her life and that she wished she didn’t have to be the responsible one, or the one to take care of them. That was the last straw for Ian and he left and promised Debbie, Carl and Liam he’ll come back for them. But Carl seemed to have forgiven Fiona, but not Debbie which is why she stood behind when Fiona took her brothers and left.

Ian sighs heavy and looks and turns Nick around again to look at him. “Nick, look okay. I know; I know what I’ve told you has an impact on how you see my sister. But she came here and I didn’t know okay. Plus it’s been good to see my brothers. So please behave. I know your mouth and attitude which is what a like the most about you. Just if she says some slick shit out her mouth let me handle it, and if you feel you need to go ahead and let her know, don’t. Okay.”

Nick looked at Ian seriously and raised his eyebrows up and said. “Not making any promise.” And that was all Ian needed to hear from his boyfriend. He then kisses his boyfriend on the forehead and moves to look at the food he was cooking.

Debbie came down the stairs and saw her brother and his boyfriend being cute together. She had to say, she really loved seeing Ian happy. When he got home he was depressed and really miserable. He would come home and bring home random guys and get stupid drunk and tell Debbie how much he missed Adam and that it was his fault he’s dead. Debbie never asked about Adam when Ian was sober. She knew it must have been a sore spot seeing as he didn’t mention it when he was sober and not drunk. A lot happened to him when was deployed and coming home she thought made it worse on Ian. Sometimes he would say he “wish he was never home” or that “I hate being alive.” Granted he was going to the VA for counselling and had yet to tell Debbie or anyone what happened out there when he was deployed. For now she was happy that he was happy and had the sense of life in him again.

Just then as she was about to say something cute, the front door flew open. Walking in was Fiona, Lip and Carl. Debbie of course ignored Fiona when she asked for help with the groceries. She instead went to help Ian with the food he was cooking.  The three siblings went into the kitchen and dropped the groceries on the table and then notice the short dark haired tattooed guy.

“Oh, so who is this?” Fiona said looking at the man in front of her up and down examining him. Nick rolled his eye and Debbie laughed at what she saw.

Ian looks at the rest of his siblings and smiles whiling pointing in Nicks direction. “This is Nick.” Then he gestures and points to his siblings “Nick, this is Fiona, Carl, and Lip.” Nick waved his hand and nodded his head at the same time.

“Okay so what for dinner man.” Lip said and looks at Nick and said “Hey you staying for dinner?”

“Ah no, actually we aint staying for dinner, we gotta flight to catch” Nick said and looks at Ian. “Right baby?”

Ian looks at his siblings and smiles at Nick. Fiona and Lip then look at Nick like he was has two heads. Lip and Fiona both furrowed his eyebrows together, but it’s Fiona who is shaking her head as if she motioning no. They look at Ian and then back Nick and Ian again waiting for an explanation. Debbie knew about the trip to New York. Ian told her last night, well this morning and he was so excited just as she was for him. She wished she was going with them as well. He told her next time he would ask Nick to bring her.

“Yeah. Why?” Ian said like it was nothing

“Why? Ian I thought we were having family dinner tonight?”  Fiona said to him with a slight annoyed tone in her voice.

Nick raised his eyebrows ready to say something, but Ian looked at him secretly asking him to please not say anything. He laughed and shakes his head not saying anything and literally biting his fucking tongue. He was lucky he liked Ian a lot, because if Ian did let him say something, he was going to tell her to politely go fuck herself. And that Ian can do whatever the fuck he wants. That he didn’t need anyone’s permission! Especially hers of all people. He wanted to tell her this and that he was taking Ian with him whether or not she liked it. Fucking Ian was lucky Nick was staying shut; and boy was it hard to do right now.

“Well Fi, me and Nick had plans before you came over. So I’m not going to change my plans. Plus the tickets are already bought and we leave tonight.” Ian looks at his watch then and said “Actually we have to get going soon so we can catch our flight.  New York doesn’t sleep and neither are we.” Ian said sarcastically.

Lip was laughing and seemed not to care; he had just moved back in the house recently and knew Ian had a boyfriend. He did ask about what the guy did for a living and Ian said he was in the entertainment business, and nothing more.  “So when are you guys coming back?” Lip asked

Before Ian can answer Nick spoke first “Maybe in about a week or more, depends’ on how things go out in New York, and if Ian wants to come back sooner or not. Which I am hoping we stay longer. That way are trip can be way more fun.” Nick was smiling as he slightly stuck the tip of his tongue out on the right side of his mouth.

“Well shit, you trying to take him away?’ Lip laughed “Well you two have fun and hey can you guys bring me back some sort of souvenir or some shit. Maybe a New York steak or something; I heard those are pretty good. We can make them here.” Lip said.

Nick smiled and raised his eyebrow and nodded. “Yeah. Okay. I can see what I can do for yah.” Nick said and Ian smiled at him. Ian was happy that at least Nick was somewhat getting along with his older brother or more like trying anyways.

Fiona frowned and looks at them. She didn’t know anything about this Nick. Ian and her didn’t talk that much so she didn’t even know he was involved with anyone.

“A week, I mean what about your job? And you Nick” She looks at Nick and continues talking “What about your job as well. I assume you work and being gone for more than a week has to put a damper on your pocket correct?.” Fiona said

Before Nick can answer Ian cut in and talked. “Nick has business in New York and he can afford it, and as for me, I asked for some time off and my boss was fine and said I can come back whenever. He’s an ex-marine so being military brothers has that advantage. So I will be fine and have my job when I come back. Plus if everything goes I’ll be coming back and starting the processes for the academy. Being a police officer has its advantage Fi and it will be good to get a nice vacation before I start studying again while I’m in the academy” Ian said to her

Nick looks at Ian with a slight surprise expression. Granted Ian told him about the police thing, but he didn’t think anything of it. He would talk to Ian more about it later. Now he just wanted to get the fuck out of that house away from Fiona’s stares.

Fiona nodded at what Ian told her and then turned to Nick and asks “What kind of business do you have in New York?” Fiona asked.

“That’s for me and Ian to know, (what he really wanted to say was ‘None of your fucking business bitch’ but didn’t and continued speaking to her nicely, or as nicely as he could) but also my job here; they sorta love me…so firing me is out of the question, the customers love me too much.” Nick said smugly and fake smiled at Fiona.

“What kind of job do you have?” Fiona asks and continues to question Nick. Nick was slightly annoyed with being questioned, but Ian asked him to be nice. So he answers her any way, without biting her fucking head off.

“I’m in the entertainment business.” Nick said with a tight smile

“What kind of entertainment?” Fiona asks quickly while raising her eyebrows.

“What’s with the fucking 20 questions Fi? He works that it, nothing more! Quit fucking asking Nick question like he has to answer you. You’re not a goddamn fucking cop or his mother.” Ian snapped. Nick guessed Ian was getting just as annoyed as he was with Fiona and asking him fucking question like the damn parent.

But Nick decided to amuse Fiona and himself by answering her question anyway, in hopes it got a rise out of her.

“Ima dancer. Exotic actually, and I own clubs in New York. I draw and paint and shit. Oh and plus I DJ from time to time and play a few different instrument whenever the fuck I feel like it. But Ima dancer!” Nick said without blinking an eye.

Fiona blinked a few times and had a glare of disgust look on her face. Ian looks at Nick and raises his eyebrows at him and laughed. He knew Nick couldn’t contain himself from being an asshole much longer, and his answer to Fiona clearly said it.

At the same time Nick told Fiona this before she processed what he said, Lip spit his drink out and started laughing and gave Nick a thumbs up before sitting back against the chair. Debbie smiled and laughed to herself. She already knew what Nick did for a living, and Carl well. Carl didn’t seem to care as he just looks up from his seat. Carl looked like he was thinking about what Nick had just said. Then Fiona spoke….

“You’re a what? ... Ian. Seriously?” Fiona said in disbelief.

“Fi, that’s not you concern okay, so back the fuck off.” Ian said with no heat behind his voice, but it was clear that he didn’t want her to start anything with her.

With that Ian made his way up stairs and turned to signal Nick to follow him, which he did. He led him to the back of the room. It was an average size room and it reminded Nick of the past.  But this was Ian’s home, not the Milkovich house of hell. Ian then grabs Nick and kisses him roughly and Nick deepens the kiss. Nick broke the kiss and smiles up at Ian. “We have to go soon, the plane.” Nick said.

“Hmmm……yeah; So…you think you’re funny for that little show you put on down stair huh?” Ian said.

Nick smiled and nodded his head yeah. “Come on man we have to go. Plus anyways your sister was starting with me so I had to” Nick laughed and looked at Ian fondly

“You know… I think… I kind of like you a lot more now. But Fiona’s face was priceless, and I think you just might maybe be Debbie’s new best friend.” Ian said with a smile on his face.

“Oh yeah; Well she ight. She did seem to be more down to earth and shit. You talk about me to her red?” Nick asked Ian.

“Yeah…so. You got a problem that.” Ian said smiling at Nick. And Nick loved it. Ian continues to talk to Nick with a serious concerned look on his face. “Are we going to talk about your ex going to your house?”

“Nothin’ to talk about Red. He’s gone. It’s done. Don’t wanna talk about that shit either okay.” Nick said looking straight up at Ian. 

Ian nodded his head and drops the subject for now, but was definitely going to get the answer later on. But for now he just wanted to head out and have a nice time with his boyfriend in New York.  New Fucking York! There was a silence as they look at each other. Then Ian broke the silence and said.

“So more than a week or just a week?” Ian asked curiously

“What?” Nick said as if he was breaking out of some sort of train of thought when looking at Ian.

“The Trip smart ass. You told Lip maybe more than a week… Are you trying to kidnap?” He grinned at Nick as he spoke.

“Fuck… See you caught me. That was my master plan! It was to get you to New York and keep you there or maybe go from New York to I don’t know…fucking LA, or Seattle, or maybe fucking Canada. See I haven’t decided if I should hold you as a hostage yet.” Nick with a devilish smile.

With that Ian grabbed his bag and held out his hand to Nick, who took it instantly. They walked down stairs hand in hand. Ian told his family he was heading out, so that he and Nick didn’t miss their flight. Debbie hugged and kissed him bye, she even hugged Nick, who was surprised and awkwardly hugged her back. He waved bye to everyone else. When Ian and Lip were talking at the front door Nick gave Fiona the finger before walking outside and dragging Ian with him. Debbie was laughing because she saw what Nick did and gave him nod of approval.

Nick laughed while getting in the car. He felt like Debbie was mostly likely going to be his favorite, besides Ian of course. From there they were off to the airport to board the plane to New York.

There journey in New York will surely shape and change things between them. Whether it’s for the best or for the worse… that’s for them to decide in the end of the day.


	6. New York

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their time in New York was one hell of an adventure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If there ARE any errors please let me know so I can fix it. xoxo thanks guys 
> 
>  
> 
> The Bold font is of Nick speaking just so no one gets confused and I also put the parentheses with Italic fonts is of Nick thinking to himself and also me translating what some words mean in Spanish and Ukrainian. 
> 
> There is some mention of light child abuse but not really just felt like I should put it out there Terry being the evil guy he is. Also this chapter is solely Ian and Nick. 
> 
> Again let me know what you think I Do appreciate your comments and kudos so much. i will try to have the next chapter up by Sunday.  
> Thank you all again.

New York was something amazing; yeah Ian had been here once when he deployed for a minor brief time which was like 3 days; but it was nothing compared to being with someone he was falling for. Yeah he can say that was, but he wouldn’t let Nick know that. He didn’t want to scare the man off. It had been a long time since Adam.

After the plane landed in LaGuardia AirPort; Ian and Nick made their way to get there bags. From there they walked outside the airport. Nick had told Ian to wait for him a moment, that he would go get the car. What Ian didn’t know was that technically Nick didn’t own a car, rather he said he borrowed it.

“ **Ian wait for me right there on the corner okay. I should be about 10 or 15 minutes tops.”** Nick said as he pointed to where he wanted Ian to be at.

Ian nodded his head at Nick. He was a little tired from the plane ride, but was excited nonetheless. Nick went off to go get the car and Ian waited. Sure enough about 13 minutes later Nick shows up pulling in on a Midnight black 2015 Jaguar XKR Convertible. Yelling for Ian to hope in.

“ **Get In Now!” Nick yelled**

“What!?” Ian said surprisingly while looking at the direction Nick was calling him from

” **Just get in now! Hurry the fuck up! Come on!”** Nick said in a hurry

Ian didn’t open the door; he just jumps in the passenger seat as Nick sped off laughing. It was only then that Ian saw that Nick had no keys in the car, but rather that under the dashboard there were cables pulled out and crossed together. Ian looked at Nick and was about to say something, but when Nick just laughed and smiled at Ian. He couldn’t help but be amazed with astonishment as he knew Nick went ahead and stole this car. Ian just laughs and shrugs it off. They park the car at 125 in Madison avenue.  Ian and Nick get out the car and they grab their bags. Nick takes out a cigarette and lights it up while walking towards the upper west-side of Manhattan at night. They walk to the 125 th train station in nice comfortable silence. Ian takes the cigarette from Nick every now and then smoking it together without saying a word.  They managed to get on the train and get off at 163 rd in Amsterdam on the C line and continue walking from there.

Before they reach their destination spot they stop at a corner store and decide to grab a few things.

“ **Hey why don’t you grab whatever you want and I’ll order us some sandwiches. Okay** ?” Nick said to Ian

Ian nods his head and grabs a few chips, drinks, and other things. He figures Nicks refrigerator must be empty so he gets eggs, bread and milk just in case. On his way to the counter Ian hears Nick speaking, but it’s not in English; which he is slightly surprise. He didn’t know Nick can speak a different language, than again Nick didn’t know that Ian knew how to speak 3 different languages either. Being in the military and stations in other countries will do that do you.

“ **Déjame 2 sandwiches. Jamón y queso con pavo y salami. Con un poco de sal u pimienta, lechuga y tomates.”** (Let me get two sandwiches with ham, cheese, turkey and Salami, with a little bit of salt pepper. Lettuce and tomatoes) Nick speaks Spanish as if it’s his first language and Ian can help but be amused by his boyfriend. He puts all the stuff on the counters and looks at Nick with a smile that can only be described as beyond beautiful in Nicks eyes.

“ **What?”** Nick says as Ian continues to look at him and not say a damn word

“Oh nothing, I just didn’t know you can speak Spanish?” Ian says curiously to Nick.

“ **Yeah well that’s not all I can speak.”** Nick says wiggling his eyebrows at Ian who just laughs

The woman at the counters overhears their conversation and smiles to herself. She can’t help but not look at them and smile fondly over them.  She asked Nick if that was all they were going to have and Nick nodded his head yes. She then begins to ring up the food cost, and place them inside a black plastic bag when Ian then asks her a question.

“Cuanto es todo?”(How much is everything?) Ian says and smiles at the store clerk.

She smiles and tells him $18.50. And before Nick can protest against Ian paying. Ian pulls a 20 dollar out of his pocket and give it to the lady.

“Mantén el cambio” (keep the change) Ian tells her while winking at her. Nick looks at Ian and raises his eyebrows with a smirk on his face. He shakes his head and grabs some of the bags on the counters, but not before winking at the woman over the counter. She smile and blushes as he and Ian leave the store.

“ **You didn’t tell me you knew how to speak Spanish?”** Nick says to Ian

“Yeah well I know how to speak Spanish, French and German, which by the way is somewhat harder in my opinion…Plus you didn’t tell me you knew how to speak Spanish either asshole.” Ian says 

Nick laughs and then says  **“Yeah well I know how to speak Spanish, Italian, Ukrainian, Russian which to me is similar once you know how to speak either one you’re good. I also know how to speak a little bit of French. And I learned that because I got bored one day and decided to teach myself…Umm oh yeah and I know how to speak Latin. And before you say it. No. Spanish and Latin are different. So if I wanted to say ‘how are you’ in Spanish I would say-**

“Como estas” Ian says cutting Nick off at his sentence.

“ **Right. But if I say it in Latin it’s ‘quomodo es’. See the difference. Some people think it’s similar but it’s not.  At least not to me.” Nick says as he walks and Ian follows him**

“So you’re like a genius nerd huh” Ian says

Nick gives him the finger and says “ **No I just know a lot of shit okay”.**

“Yeah like how to hotwire a car?” Ian says to Nick.

**“Hey I didn’t see you complaining did I?”** Nick tells Ian while smiling at him playfully.

“No, but you didn’t have to hot-wire a car. We could have taken a cab.” Ian tells his boyfriend who just shrugs at his response.

“ **Oh please! I was not about to pay an arm and a fuckin leg for that shit. Plus anyways you know you like it. I saw you smiling and enjoying the rush….Admit it, you like being bad with me** ” Nick says in a seductive tone.

Ian can’t help but smile and nod as they continue to walk. They stop at 1071 Saint Nicholas Avenue. Nick goes through his bag and pulls out the keys. And together they walk in the building and go up 2 flights of stairs. Ian follows Nick to his apartment. When he opens the door the place is pretty big. As soon as you walk in, the living room is right there, to your left is a big bathroom, turning more into the apartment is the kitchen. Then walking back to the entrance of the apartment is a long hallway. Ian can tell there are two rooms. He places the groceries on top of the table in the kitchen and Nick starts to take the stuff out and tells Ian to just make hisselve at home. He walks away and leaves Ian there alone.

Ian feels a bit awkward at first. This isn’t his house and he’s praying to god right now that this is Nicks place, seeing as he stole a car early.  His fears are put aside when he feels Nick come up from behind him and place a soft kiss on his neck. It seems like Nick knew what Ian was thinking because the next words out his mouth made Ian laugh nervously at him.

“ **Yes Ian. This is my place, and no I didn’t steal it. Although they do think that I have an elderly woman living here, and they think shes my grandmother, but I don’t.  And before you ask, don’t, because I ain’t gonna tell you.”** Nick says to Ian.

He then grabs Ian by his hands and brings him to the bathroom. Nick then helps strips Ian down and turns the water on. Nick goes first in the shower and holds his hand out to Ian to take. Ian hopes in with him and lets the water hit him. Ian make a groan sounds seeing as the water pressure in this shower is just right and Nick can’t help but laugh a little at Ian. Nick takes the shampoo pours it in his hand and begins to wash Ians hair. Ian tilts his head back and lets Nick do whatever he wants to him. Nick pushes Ian into the water to wash away the soap. He grabs the bar of soap and begins to washing Ian up. Carefully yet roughly washing his chest and then slowly he lowers his hands to Ian abs, and then turns him around to wash his back. Ian turns around and looks Nick in his eyes full of lust and need. He leans forward and captures Nick lips and kisses him rough and deep. Nick puts his arms around his neck bring him closer to him.

They take a break from the kissing one another for a moment. Nick then soaps around Ian cock which is hard now. He smiles at Ian and licks his lips. He then allows the water to wash away the soap. Nick takes the soap in his hand and begins to wash himself up nice and slow. Allowing Ian to look at him with lust and want. Nick closes his eyes and runs his hand around his neck, down his chest towards his stomach and down to his cock. He opens his eye to sees Ian eye fucking him literally.

“ **Wash my back?”** Nick asks innocently to Ian. And all Ian can do it nod his head and Nick turns around.

Ian’s washing Nicks back, but stops when to grab Nicks’ ass and starts to massage it. Ian bends down and bite Nick ass and Nick grasped for air and makes a moaning sound. Ian then turned Nick around and took him right into his mouth. Nick lean his head back and moaned more as Ian was sucking the life out of him.  Moving his tongue and doing things that Nick never thought he would experience or thought he would feel.

Nick fist Ian’s hair which only turns Ian on as he took one finger and played with Nicks rim. Teasing him which only made Nick want him more. Ian pushes his index finger in Nick who made a groaning sound. He was panting heavily as Ian continued to fuck him with one finger and suck him off. Then another finger enters Nick and he’s done for. Ian hits Nick sweet spot and Nick is jerking his hips frantically. Ian then begins to play with Nick head just sucking on the tip of it before releasing it. He turns Nick around and bends him over and slicks himself inside Nick. Nick moans even louder “ **Mmmmm fuck”** and Ian can’t help but smirk from Nick’s response.

Once Ian buried deep in Nick, he starts to move and he’s at a decent pace, but it picks up more when Nick tells him  **“Fuck…faster….mmmm Ian! harder faster!”** Which sends Ian over the edge and his hips are becoming more erotic.  

“Fuck I’m close Nick…. Fuck” Ian says breathless

Before Ian can reach around and grabs Nicks’ dick to get him off; Nick tenses up and clenches down on Ian penis and is cumming without being touch and that sends Ian over the edge. He reaches his climax in two hard deep thrust. They stay there for a moment and Ian is holding Nick from behind whispering things to Nick that send him in a state of bliss.  Ian then slowly removes himself from inside of Nick carefully and then brings the black hair man into the water to finish washing him up. Ian helps Nick clean himself up again and together they make out in the water. Ian is in bliss, loving this feeling so much that he doesn’t want it to ever end. He wants this; this feeling with Nick to stay forever; that much he knows, and feels. But for some reason he can’t help but feel something may go wrong. For now he just pushes that thought aside and continues to hold Nick.

Nick is on cloud nine right now and can’t help but smile at Ian.  He looks at Ian with sad eye now, battling with his thoughts. He knows now that he can’t lose Ian. Not to know one. Yeah sure Ian was supposed to be a one time thing, but for some reason Nick was on this guy. He felt as if he was being pulled towards him.  He has done so much, and has been through so much, that yes he feels that he deserves this. He deserves happiness and doesn’t care who he has to go through or what he has to do to keep.

Both men get out of the shower. Nick goes into the kitchen naked and all just like the day he was born. Not really caring at all if the people across the street can see him.  He grabs the food and makes his way to his room. Ian is already sitting on his bed with his boxers on and Nick can’t help but grin at Ian.

“ **You know you look better with nothin on right.”** Nick says to Ian smiling looking up and down at him.

Ian laughs at his comment and shakes his head. “Do I? Mmmm I think I prefer to wear clothes seeing as you don’t know how to close your curtains to your place.” Ian point to the window.

Nick shrugs and gets a pair of sweat pant and puts them on. “ **Hey if people don’t like what they see, that’s their problem not mines. Fuckers shouldn’t be lookin at my apartment** ”.

Ian can’t help but smile at the short man and grabs the food that’s in his hands. “This sandwich better be good or I’m gonna kick your ass seeing as you order it for me.” Ian said to Nick

“ **Yeah okay tough guy I can still take your ass. And yes you will love it. They make fuckin good ass sandwiches at the deli there.”**

Ian takes a bite of his sandwich and moans in approval of how good it is. “Okay good, you got this one babe.”

“ **Of course I do, I’m fuckin awesome, cute, adorable, have a great ass, and I’m talented as fuck if you know what I mean** .” Nick said wiggling his eyebrows at Ian and making the taller man nearly choke on his food. Ian nearly choked on his food and laughs. Let him be damned, but Nick was right.

After they finish eating both men lay down in bed. They talk about random things that pop in their head.  Things about, which hockey team is better, or who’s a cuter actor Colton Haynes or Josh Hutcherson. After talking about random shit Ian brings up something that been on his mind since Nick mentioned it.

“So your ex came over to your house or what?”

Nick huffed and sat up. “ **He was there…he uh came in, got upset, tried to force himself on me and I got the upper hand. Nothin more to it aight.”**

Ian sat up and looked Nick dead in his eyes. “He tried to force himself on you? What the fuck! Why didn’t you say anything?”

“ **Cause I knew you act all fuckin crazy and I can take care of myself ight. I got this. He ain’t gonna bother me no more. Trust me okay…. You do trust me right?**

“Yeah I trust you just not everyone else.” Ian says

“ **Yeah I get that, but come on I ain’t gonna let no asshole try to overpower me okay. I’m not some fucking 5 year old boy anymore. I don’t know what part about I know how to defend myself you still ain’t getting.”** Nick says a little annoyed at Ian.

“Look I know you can okay, it’s just you can’t expect me to be fine with all of that and expect me to back off Nick.” Ian says straight away to Nick. He’s now worried for his boyfriend so sue him if he is.

“ **Okay. So let’s just drop it aight.”** Nick says and lies down on Ian’s chest and closes his eyes. Ian knew it was a lost cost to try and talk about it more. When Nick would brush off something he didn’t want to talk about, that was the end of it. It would never be mentioned again. If Ian would try and mention it, Nick would just ignore him and talk about something else. So Ian just sighs and nods his head yes while he lies back up against the pillow on the bed and runs his hand threw Nicks hair. Together they fall asleep fast in each other’s arms.

Waking up together was something different for both men. Usually Nick would leave Ian in the hotel room with everything already paid for. He wasn’t use to waking up with someone holding him, and to him it felt quiet nice. He looks up at Ian and smiles. He then lies back down and closes his eyes again. He refused to get up and interrupt Ian's sleep; however his bladder thought otherwise. So he got up carefully from the bed and went into the bathroom. He took a piss and washed his hands and begins to freshen up a bit. When he was done he looks at the mirror he saw a familiar face in the mirror looking at him.  Nick smiles and waved hi. Then walks out the bathroom and then all of a sudden he starts to get another headache, but this headache was light. He starts to hear his voice again and begin rubbing his head. “Where the fuck am I? Why am here? Shit this can’t be happening again. No!” but just as the voice came quickly it left.

“ **I’m stronger than you Mick** .” Nick whispers to himself almost as if the other man can hear him which he knows he can’t…at least not yet. Then he notice Ian’s up and smiles at him.

Ian looks at him with a weird expression on his face and then points to the pictures on the wall. He hadn’t seen them yesterday when they came in and now he’s just noticing them.

“Who are they?” Ian asks Nick

Nick was silent and looked down at his hands. Fuck meant to hide those fucking pictures. Ian trust Nick…but Nick wasn’t exactly being truthful to Ian, not about his family anyways. Yeah Ian asked about his family, but Nick would cough it up to him not having any or just change the subject. Ian must have sense something because he asks Nick a question again and for some reason Nick couldn’t lie to him.

“Okay again. I’m going to ask you again, who are these people with you in the picture? Are they your family?” Ian says to Nick

“ **I um fuck…it’s just….fuck.”** Nick huffed out

“What is it?!” Ian says in a serious tone.

**“I haven’t been honest completely, but I don’t want to hurt you, and I don’t want yah to think that the trust we have is broken cause that’s not my intention okay.  I aint perfect Ian and yeah I lie but I’m not use to havin someone care of me, like the way you do. So yeah I won’t tell yah everythin or I won’t let you in on certain things about me okay. But for some fuckin reason I don’t think it’s a big thing but you might ight** .” Nick was rambling when he stop to look at Ian who was looking at him hard and emotionless.

Ian looked away and didn’t know what to say about what Nick was saying to him right now. He was making no sense at all and Ian was becoming confused yet annoyed at the same time. So he decided to listen to his boyfriend before assuming anything. But he couldn’t help but ask him one question that went through his mind.

Joking around Ian asks Nick “Are you cheating on me? Or something” Ian laugh to break the tension he sees Nick who is still tense up and then he wonders ‘shit’  “OMG this isn’t your place and were breaking and entering is that it?” Ian asked

“ **What?! … Fuck No Ian I aint cheating on you and no this is my place okay, it’s just.”** Nick says but just stops talking

“Then what the fuck? Explain to me what you were just fucking rambling on about. I trust you, so start fucking explaining to me right now because I swear this (Ian moved his hands back and forth between him in Nick as he spoke) what we have will end. I’m tired of being hurt, of being lied to and especial I’m just fucking tired in general Nick and you know that. You know how life has fucked me over and over again and – “

Nick cut Ian off as he was speaking “ **No! It’s nothin like that ight. I just …ugh … I just…”** Nick sigh and then continued because not even a semi lie can help him out of this. “ **Okay remember when you asked me about my family? And how I said I had no one.”** Ian nodded his head and Nick took that as a signal to continue.  **“Okay well that’s not true in a way. I have siblings I just don’t like being around them. Like at all. I can’t stand them, I don’t trust them and I know they don’t like me, and I don’t like them end of it. That’s why I told yah I aint have any siblings or family. I put up with them but only if I have to, and that’s on rare occasions.”** Nick says

“Why did you lie about that? And why don’t your siblings like you? And how many do you have?” Ian asks Nick

“ **I don’t see them as siblings honestly, that’s why when you asked about them I said I don’t have none. Plus were not close. I’m the baby of them all. I have two brother and an older sister as you can see from the picture. I never knew my mom. She died at childbirth with me, and I don’t care for Terry, let alone I don’t like to mention him….Memories with him are not the best and…(Nick licks his lips and shakes his head and looks away as he speaks).. I don’t like to bring up the past.”** Nick says lowly as if he was whispering and Ian walks to him and grabs and holds Nick.

“Hey can I ask you something? And you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to okay.” Ian say

**“Sure** ” Nick says and shrugs his shoulders

“Did he give you these scars?” Ian asks as he traces them along Nicks sides and his then motions to Nicks arms and thighs.

Nick becomes slightly uncomfortable now. Bring up the past he can handle, but that didn’t mean he like it all. And some memories he wish he didn’t remember. Like the burned marks, or the cuts on the side of his stomach that are barely visible now, but if you looked carefully like Ian did you can see them.

“ **Um yeah...that’s all he gave me, but um... not the ones on my arms. I actually can’t remember how those got there. But yeah that why I have to put makeup on when I’m dancing at the club as you found out when we first hooked up asshole. Thank god for cover ups”** Nick laughs trying to change the subject and move on from it. But Ian can’t help but hold Nick more tightly bringing him closer to him. For some reason Nick can’t help but feel safe in Ian’s arms and doesn’t push away from his embrace.

“It that why you don’t talk about your past so much?” Ian asks softly.

“ **Yup…among other things** ” Nick says flatly with no emotion in his voice. Hoping Ian would drop the subject fast.

“So why don’t you think your brothers and sister don’t like you? I mean there your siblings they have to love you right? Plus you grew up with them.” Ian said

“ **Not really. They um, they were always out of the house and I was there alone a lot by myself so. (Nick shrugs his shoulders again and looks away) Plus if they knew who I was they would try to change me back. And I can’t let that happen, I have too much to lose** .”

“Would they keep us away from each other? Is that what you’re afraid to lose?” Ian asks Nick softly against his ear.

Nick looks Ian in his eye and leans in and kisses him gently and answers him “ **Maybe** ” against his lips. He leans into Ian’s grasp and places his head over Ian’s heart and closes his eyes.

Nick sighs loudly then says “ **Okay enough of this sappy shit…let’s get dress and get the fuck outta here. We have a whole city waiting for us to rule, and I ain’t coming back here until you Mr. Gallagher have had the best time of your life. We officially start day one of fuckin fun okay”**

“Okay tough guy” Mocking Nicks tone of voice last night. Nick slaps him in the ass and walks away.

That whole first week of being in New York, Nick and Ian went everywhere they can think of. They spent one whole day going to as many museums as they could. The first went to the American Museum of Natural History, then to the Metropolitan Museum of Art, then to MoMA the Museum of Modern Art, which was their favorite. Museum of Sex they found to be boring yet entertaining as they made fun of people in the museum around them. They went to the Brooklyn Museum, and finally Nick asks Ian if he wanted to see the Intrepid Sea Air & space museum; which Ian loved the most. After their long days of sightseeing almost every museum they can think of or looked up, which was a lot. They ate out and watched 2 movies before returning back to the apartment exhausted and that was just the first day out.

Throughout the week they went everywhere they could think of; from going to a Gotham Bar and Grill, to eating at all the spots in Hell kitchen. The walked around near Columbus Circle and took in the sight of central park. They especially had fun one night at the Iron Horse Bar downtown Manhattan. Best drinks they had until they hit a bar in the East Village. Then they felt more alive and at home you can say in away. The clubs seen was all Nick and he was able to get him and Ian into any club without paying, which was nice. Every other night they hit up a different club, and if it wasn’t a club, it was a party Nick managed to crash but flirting with hostess. Ian didn’t mind because Nick told him what he was doing, just so he didn’t jealous to much anyways. Nick was a wild one and Ian loved it every bit of it.  

This one particular night, they went out to Club Cielo, which was a dance club. The bouncers seem to know Nick and let him in without a question. The dance floor was a bit small but with people on it nonetheless enjoying the night away. The DJ managed to keep the music flowing and then Nick told Ian to follow him after they had a few drinks. They went up to the stage where the DJ was at and Nick was talking to the DJ. They exchanged hugs.

Nick Introduced Ian to the DJ they seemed to be old friends. Ian waved and Nick motion for him to relax. Next thing Ian sees is the DJ introducing Nick as DJ Nasty Nick and the crowd goes while. Everyone seemed to know Nick on the Mic and it was an amazing from Ian’s viewpoint. Nick was on the mic next to the DJ equipment and he’s playing music. Like actually playing and mixing music the night away. And he was really good at it. Ian couldn’t help but be memorized by Nick. There was so much he was still learning about his boyfriend and god did he love it. And god he was falling for him this guys who walked into his life 6 months ago. The night went on as Ian and Nick dancing side by side while he DJ and the whole club loved every bit of it. 

Ian went to Nick ear and said to him over the music “I didn’t know you can DJ?”

“ **There a lot you don’t know about me Gallagher, but you’re gonna find out watch.”** Nick says and winks at his boyfriend while changing the music up. Ian leans in and kisses Nick deeply and Nick is grinding up on him. Ian breaks the kiss from Nick, Nick is smiling at Ian as Ian tries hard to control himself.  Ian goes behind Nick and together there dancing like no one is watching and it’s the best fucking feeling they both have. Nick wraps his hand behind him and grabs Ian by the neck and continues to grind on him, he can feel Ian hard threw his pants and smiles has he continues.

That night they were in such bliss. Getting back to the apartment was interesting to say nonetheless. Ian wanted to take the train but Nick refused it. He pushed Ian in the cab and they were off. Making their way into the apartment both men couldn’t keep they hands off of each other.  Clothes were coming off instantly and Nick pushed Ian on to the door and started to kiss him hard and rough, feeling his tongue brush against Ian teeth. He didn’t stop even when he was out of breathless. Ian broke the kiss and looks at Nick with hunger in his eyes. He took his shirt off just as Nick took his off. He grabs Nick by his waist and lifts him up. Nick responded and wrapped his legs and arms around Ian and held onto him, while biting and sucking on his lips. Ian didn’t make it the bed room as he and Nick fell on the couch in the living room and begin to strip away Nick’s pants. Nick did the same to Ian, now that he was on top of him straddling him.

Once they were rid of their pants and boxers Ian had remember to grab the lube from his pants and put some in his hands.  He pushes two fingers inside Nick and Nick responded with a loud moan and begin to move his ass up and down on Ian’s fingers fucking himself. “I’m good just fuck me now” Nick said in between kissing Ian and moving his hips.

Ian knew Nick was still good from their morning fuck fest, actually since they had been going at it since they landed from the airport. So Nick was still open and ready for Ian.  Nick was the one who broke the kiss this time from Ian. He then positions himself above Ian and quickly took Ian in. It was hard and rough and the pain felt so good to him. Even Ian eyes widen and gasp for air as Nick started to ride him roughly into the couch. Nick was holding onto the couch and was moving himself up and down fast. Ian places his hands on Nick hips and was meeting his thrust faster and erotic. He then decided to grab Nick by his thighs and have him wrap his legs around him again. “Hold…..Hold on to me baby.” Ian says in a husky voice. Nick does what he’s told and wraps his arms and legs around Ian again.

Ian lifts Nick up with ease and walks to the wall and begins to fuck Nick harder up against the wall. Nick has one arm on Ian and the other on the wall as if he’s bracing himself while Ian fuck him good and hard. He’s going faster and harder and the new position has Nick begin for more. He’s not even aware that he’s doing it. Ian bites down on Nick shoulders and begins to suck on his neck as he’s fucking him right. Ian’s hits Nick’s spot and he can feel Nick tighten his hole around Ian’s dick. Ian keeps going and keeps fucking even when Nick is coming on them. Ian just keeps fucking Nick up against the wall. And Nick doesn’t stop Ian, instead he encourages him to keep going. Telling him he wants it all, and to not stop. His lips are parted as he tries to kiss Ian but he can’t the sensation he feels is so much that he can’t think.

Ian is about to go over the edge and he can feel his stomach heating up. His orgasm is slowly approaching him so he fucks Nick faster, snapping his hips up more deeper inside of Nick. Nick is sucking on Ian neck leaving a nice mark. Nick starts to kiss Ian again as he feels another orgasm coming up on him. He sucks on Ian’s bottom lip and he draws blood as he bites down on it and now he’s cumming again for the second time without being touch and at the same time that sends Ian over the far edge and he’s cumming so hard in Nick that Ian’s moaning his name loudly not caring about if the neighbors hear them or not. When he’s done, Nick is laying his head down on Ian’s shoulder and lift his head up and looks at Ian with a the only cheesy smile.

Nick’s eyes are heavy and both he and Ian are breathing heavy against each other. Nick then leans his forehead against Ian’s and they smile at each other. Not moving, not doing anything but breathing each other in.  Nick looks at Ian and speaks  **“Yah lyublyu tebe” (I love you).** Ian doesn’t understand what Nick just said to him, but Ian smiles looking at him knowing it must have been something special.

With what little strength Ian has he gently removes his soft cock from inside Nick. Nick wince at the removal and then Ian puts him down slowly so he can stand on his two feet. However that didn’t go so well. Nick can barely keep himself up and is using the wall for support. Ian laughs and gives Nick a few minutes to get the feeling back in his legs before he drags him into the showers.

In the showers they kiss and hold each other like their lives depended on it. They wash up and go straight to bed falling fast asleep.

Their time In New York so amazing the first week and every day after that; that Nick had managed to convinced Ian to stay another 2 weeks. Making them stay a total of 3 weeks. Nick just didn’t want to go back to Chicago and secretly wanted to keep Ian there. They travelled everywhere from Citi Field, to Yankee stadium, to Madison square Garden for a concert. They even rented a car and this time it was under Ian name so that he knew Nick didn’t steal it. They went to Connecticut to the Mall where the cheesecake factory, because apparently it was better out there. At least that’s what Nick told him. They travelled to New Jersey to Six Flags Park, which took up a whole day. And they even travelled to the Jersey Shore which Nick protested against but gave in when Ian gave him those damn fucking puppy eyes. Broadway shows were something Ian didn’t want to do, but then again Nick did whatever the fuck he wanted and dragged Ian with him. He be damned if Ian told him no. Of course they continued to go to a few clubs, drink and have fun dancing the night away. It was fun! What was wrong with Fun right?

However their time together in the 3 weeks had to come to an end. Ian had notice that the whole time they were there in New York; that Nick did not mention his club, let alone go to it from what he saw.  Ian did walk in on him on the phone once and over heard him say ‘He didn’t care let Mandy deal with it’ and hung the phone up. But then that was all. After all Nick did say he was coming here to deal with Business but apparently he didn’t want to deal with it from Ian’s point of view.  They would stay up most nights talking and bullshitting, and in the morning time Nick would disappear for like an hour or so but he would come right back when Ian was awake. But Ian didn’t mind. Ian didn’t ask; he felt that Nick revealed more of himself on this trip than anything. And Ian did as well.

Especially that one night when Ian woke up having a small panic attack. He was having a hard time breathing. He was crying and apologies over and over again. But Nick didn’t flinch away; instead he was there for him. Ian cried as Nick held on to him, he didn’t ask Ian what was wrong or what happened he just held on to him tight, helping him to control his breathing again. When Ian was done crying and had finally managed to breathe okay, he fell asleep.  The Next morning Nick didn’t mention it and neither did Ian. He was grateful for that.  Right now wasn’t the right time to talk about his past, and what he was dreaming about over and over again that made him wake up in panic attacks.

To say nonetheless, their 3 weeks away from Chicago was awesome more than any other words can describe; so much that Nick was trying really hard to get Ian to stay. He didn’t want to go back and he didn’t want Ian to want to go back either. Nick just wanted to be free and live his life and have Ian with him.  Mickey had done enough living and fucked it up from Nick’s point of view; so now it was his turn. And he had a right to be free after all. But as much as he tried to convince Ian to stay, Ian had to get back to Debbie and work.  Nick just wanted be an ass about things and have his way.

“ **What if I get Debbie to come out here? I mean New York is the place to be right?”** Nick says to Ian

“Nick No.  She has to finish school out there and she’s almost done anyways.” Ian tell him

“ **Ugh but Ian come on. Do you really want to go back? I mean I can fly her out here in a heartbeat okay; she can take the extra room, and plus think about it! She will love it out here.”** Nick says countering Ian’s last statement.

“As much as I would love to, the answer is still no, I can’t. Plus my job and if everything goes well you will be dating a cop in a few month time.” Ian winks at Nick

Nick looks at Ian with a face and raises one eyebrow at him.  **“Really… a cop and a dancer hmmm I can see it now.”** Nick says sarcastically at Ian, that it made Ian throw a bag at him.

“Don’t be an ass okay. We’ve been here for what a month almost? Time to go back. Plus I promise Debbie I would bring her a few presents which I got, and Lip called me and said thank you for the steaks you sent him by overnight deliver mail.”

**“I don’t know what the fuck you talkin about.”** Nick says and walks away from Ian so his boyfriend doesn’t see him blushing.  **“I aint do shit, he lyin man.”** Nick says with no heat behind his voice.

“Uh Huh sure, whatever you say tough guy. See under all the hard exterior you’re really a softy aren’t?” Ian says and is trying to tease Nick

“ **Only if it get me in your pants faster, and you dick in me; then yeah. I do what I have to, to get what I want** .” Nick says to Ian

Ian lifts his head and smile at Nick “Oh really? Shit…See I thought this whole time you were being nice to me, was because I’m cute and irresistible.” Ian snaps his fingers and continues talking while laughing “Damn it I knew it was too good to be true.”  

“ **Whatever asshole.  Yeah you’re cute that just one of the things I love about your stupid ass.”** Nick then froze when he says that. He hoped Ian didn’t hear him, but he was wrong. Ian was staring at him right at this second.

Shit! He told Ian he loves him but one, it was in the heat of the moment and yes he does mean it of course he means it. But Ian didn’t know he told him that. Speaking a different language that your boyfriend does not know has its advantages. But he wasn’t ready to say it to him again, not just yet. God he was so fucked. Then Nick starts to get a headache and he can hear Mickey again in his head. No there was no way he was going to let Mickey get in control not after all this time, he’s had him far away keeping him away for a reason. Nope! And now Ian was staring at him. Nick was able to compose himself again and looks at Ian.

“ **What?”** Nick said looking at Ian and blinking his eye rapidly

“What did you say to me?” Ian said staring at Nick intensively.

**“Nothin, what? I said you’re cute and shit what’s the big deal.”** Nick says trying not to look Ian in the face

“You sure you want to go with that right now…really?” Ian says and crosses his arms against his chest

“ **Yeah** ” Nick then mimic Ian and crosses his arms across his chest and continues to talk seeing as he knows his boyfriend is not about to drop this “ **Okay…so what I said I love that about you, why do you have to make it into a big fucking deal huh?”** Nick says to Ian with little heat behind his tone of voice.

Ian however ignored Nicks tone and asks him “Why did you say it then? Do you like… shit I don’t know…do love me or something?”

“ **I don’t know okay** … ( _ that was a lie _ ). **It don’t matter anyways okay. Can we just get back to packin we got a plane to catch.”** Nick wasn’t really packing he was just trying to distract himself.

“Well then that sucks cause I kind of figured I was fallen in love with you, but if it doesn’t matter then fuck it right.” Ian says to Nick and Nick turns to him and he can see he’s hurt Ian’s feeling in away but has no idea how. This was who he was, why did Ian do this with everything he said.

“ **Oh Come the fuck on Ian. I didn’t mean it like that okay. Plus….Wait! What? Did you just say you’re falling in love with me?”** Nick looks at Ian

“Yeah I think I am. Why is that a problem Asshole?” Ian tells Nick as if he’s challenging him.

Nick laughed and shakes his head at Ian “ **You trying to be a tough guy huh. Play it off and shit like I ain't hurtin your feelings, then make me pay for it later right? I know your game Gallagher and I ain’t fallin for that shit.”**

“Up to you Nick…Admit it…you’re in love with me.” Ian says to Nick grinning at him trying to get a rise out of Nick, because he knows that Nick hate to be challenged. He’s such a fighter and that is one of the things Ian does love about Nick as well, but he won’t tell him that.

“ **Cocky ain’t we? What if I’m not fully in love with you, maybe I just love some things about you. Or maybe I’m like you fallin; who the fuck know right? Don’t fucking matter anyways?”** Nick says and lights up a cigarette at the same time.

“Depends…maybe I don’t know, ball in your court baby.” Ian said confidently.

Nick smirk at Ian “ **Okay, maybe I do have strong feeling for you; you of all people should know that by now, shit. But don’t mean ima tell you right off that bat. That ain’t me, ain’t my style Red, and you know that. But I ain’t gonna be the one to say it first anyways, it’s gonna be your sappy ass I bet. I don’t do that romantic crappy shit...not me buddy.”** ( _ I already have told you I love you; you just don’t know it _ )

“Okay fine.” Ian said smiling from ear to fucking ear and Nick can’t help but smile back at him.  

And okay maybe Nick has already told Ian that he loves him, but in a language Ian can’t understand, but that’s nobody's business. And yeah maybe Nick did want Ian to love him and maybe sending his brother and sister a present from New York just to made Ian happy and that is what he wanted to do; but again that’s nobody's business and nobody needs to know that. And sure Nick started telling Ian he loves him in his sleep every night since that night they fuck up against the wall, and he would whisper into Ians ear as he slept just how much he loves him, but then again. That’s nobody's fucking business to know that. So you can just keep that shit to yourself because again nobody needs to know that Nick was madly in love with Ian Gallagher, but yet still acted like a dick nonetheless.

The flight back to Chicago was faster than expected. Nick dropped Ian off at his house and helped him in with his gifts for Debbie, Carl, Liam and yes Lip as well. Ian didn’t get nothing for Fiona he felt she could…hmmm how do I put this in nice term. Well he felt like she could kick rocks basically, which had Nick laughing.  After he helps Ian get situated; Nick said Hi and bye to Debbie before leaving Ian, walking him out the house.  He walked him to the car and Nick grab Ian by the waist and kissed him like it was no tomorrow. It left Ian almost in a state of shock as he tried to not clasps walking back to in front of his house.

Nick drove off, once Ian was in his house; he remembers how rough the south side can be.  He then went back to their Loft apartment, where he had to pretend to like it. The upside was that the apartment had the art studio which Nick loved to draw, paint and play his music.

Once Nick got into the apartment he was shocked to see 3 faces he did not want to see.  This was not going to end well for no one.

 

**“What the fuck?”**


	7. The Past Always Come Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dark and I do warn there are some trigger that may effect some. So please be aware when you are reading this chapter. This chapter has Collin remembering the past at one point bringing up some of Mickeys past. Also in the beginning THe Bold font is Nick talking. There is some violence in this chapter, mention of child abuse and much more hard darker subjects. 
> 
> Again I do love to read your comments and I appreciate the feed back.
> 
>  
> 
> This chapter was just recently edit for mistakes.

“ **What the fuck are you doin here?”** Nick says with so much venom and heat behind his voice.

Collin, Iggy, and Mandy were all there waiting for him to get back. They said nothing and looked at Mickey with a shock expression. Mickey would never mind when he sibling came over; but what they didn’t know was that this wasn’t Mickey and hadn’t been for a while now.

“ **I’m gonna say this again. What. The Fuck. Are You. Mother Fuckers. Doing in my apartment!** ” He nearly shouts at all three of them in the apartment.

Collin was the first one to speak “Mickey we need to talk okay. I’ve been trying to call you for over a month to talk to you… You haven’t returned my phone calls or text messages and you disappeared for like almost a month without a work! What the fuck bro! Where have you been?”

“ **None of your fucking business ight. You ain’t my fucking keeper, none of you are.” Nick says looking at all three of Mickey’s siblings**

Mandy then cut in and was pissed as hell. If looks could kill she would have murder Mickey on the spot. But right now her looks didn’t faze him; in fact he was amused by them. “Well we know you were in New York asshole! One of the fucking bartender at the club saw you with another guy, some red headed guy he said. I tried to call Colt to see if he was with you, but that mother fucker hung up on me and told me to piss the fuck off. Something about you pointed a gun at him” When Mickey didn’t answer she continued to talk “Are you fucking serious Mick, what the fuck happened?”

“ **Ugh Oh MY GOD!”** Nick said sarcastically. “ **Again fuck off! It ain’t none of your fucking business what I do okay. Plus Colt’s bitch ass had it coming anyways. He got what he deserved** .” Nick hissed out while he was glaring at Collin, Iggy and Mandy. He didn’t give a fuck if he hurt them, because they weren’t important to him.  

“ **And if yah don’t fucking back the fuck off and watch it, he won’t be the only one looking over their shoulders”** Nick mumble out crossing his arms against his chest not caring if someone heard him

“What the fuck did you just say!?” Mandy says to him as she goes to walk up towards him, but its Collin who holds his hand up in front of her, motioning for her to calm down.

“Bro come on man, it’s us. We’re a family, man. I get you don’t want to tell us everything that’s fine. But mickey…You just up and disappeared for almost a month and not tell us, or give us a fucking call. Come on man you know we nearly sent out a fucking search party after your ass.” For some reason Iggy oddly tries to always be the piece maker, but Nick didn’t give a fuck. He wanted them out his apartment. He had a plan that didn’t involve them at all.

“ **What part of I don’t give a fuck and get the fuck outta my apartment yous mother fuckers aint get?”** Nick says to them as if he heard nothing Iggy said to him.

“Mick we’re just worried about you okay? Can you please talk to us?” Collin said, than Iggy interrupted before he can continue.

“Yeah man. Mandy told us about what you told her you know… about the blackouts… and memory loss…shit Mick we’re just worried okay.” Iggy said slowly to Mickey hoping that the younger boy understand why they were there for him.

“ **Yeah I don’t give shit what you fuckers say. Aint shit wrong with me and you can just all fuck yourself. Pishov na khuy, I khuy suky!** ( Fuck you and fuck off bitches)  **_Leave Now!”_ **

And if Mandy wasn’t piss off already she was now, actually she’s more than pissed. She turned red “WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!” Mandy was charging after him and slap him across his face. All she saw was Mickey looking at her laughing in front of her face like it was some kind of fucked up joke that they were worried about him. What the fuck? Why was Mickey acting like this to her of all people.

Nick was laughing hard and he bend over laughing so much that he had to control himself again before he started talking again. He looked at Mandy and smiled at her.  “ **Shit bitch! You can really fuckin hit can’t you? Where was all that spice and high and mighty fucking attitude when you ex-boyfriend was beating on you huh?”**

Mandy looks at her brother in shock. Her mouth opens and she looks like she was at the break of tears. That relationship they all knew not to mention. It hurt Mandy a lot to know she was one of those women who let a man hit her, and what hurt the most was how she felt weak when her brother found out and beat the shit out of the guy. She never to saw him again.

“How dare you?” she said in a whisper giving Mickey a death glare from hell.

“ **How dare me? How – Ha! Really bitch? How dare you? (Nick said aggressively)Who the fuck do you think you are! Huh Mendi?  ....You are a selfish little spoiled fucking brat who fucking thinks that just because you’re a woman you can try and control us. News flash bitch when you finally have a man who doesn’t just use you for your pussy maybe then you can earn my respect”** He turns away then turns back to her and says  **“No you know what? Better yet when you’re able to reproduce maybe you can earn some points in my book.”** Nick said with so much heat in his voice it sent shivers down Iggy back and Collin was even more shocked to hear Mickey say that to Mandy.

Next thing everyone knew; in an instant Mandy swung a right hook against Mickey face sending the younger boy to the floor. Tears where in her eyes now, and Iggy had to grab her before she did something she was going to regret.

“You know what, Fuck you Mickey! You know that… Omg I can’t believe you just said that to me….Next time you disappear I hope it’s for good!” She shouts at him with tears in her eyes. She’s in so much pain that Nick simply doesn’t care that he hit a sore spot with her. She then slams his front door leaving his loft apartment.

“What the fuck Mick! Are you out of your fucking mind? You have no fucking right to say shit like that to Mandy! What the fuck has gotten into you.” Iggy said as he shoved his younger brother

“ **Yeah, yeah, yeah, you can follow her too. Bye now!  Keep it the fuck movin** ” Nick said annoyingly to Iggy.

Iggy looked at his little brother in disbelief “what the fuck is wrong with you man?” He sees his little brother looking at him not caring about what just happen and Mickey is just shrugging his arms and puts his hands up in motion of saying  ‘oh well’. Iggy shakes his head and then leaves out the door to go get Mandy and see if she’s okay.

Nick turns around and looks at Collin now. He’s waiting for him to say something to him, but silence just takes the room. Then Nick decided to break the silence.  Instead of speaking English he decided to play with Collin a little bit.

“ **Tak** **vy** **zbyrayetesyazalyshyty, abo menidovedet’syaobrazhaty vas I zrobyty vas vdaryv** **mene** **dlya vas ebat’ I zalyshyty.”** **(“So are you going to leave, or do I have to insult you too and make you hit me for you to fuck off and leave.”)** Nick says to Collin raising his eyebrows and smiling.

“Didn’t know you spoke Ukrainian so well Mick.” Collin says in a low threatening voice to Mickey, he’s grilling Mickey down now. He’s upset that Mickey probably made Mandy feel like shit about herself and is making a joke about this whole thing. Disrespecting his sibling and for what?  Mickey disappeared and left without a word at all. He made it seem like he didn’t care if his siblings were worried about him. And apparently it was a joke to Mickey. Mickey has never been so fucking selfish before and now Collin can’t even stand to want to look at him now.

“ **Ta y khto daye der’mo** ” ( **yeah well who gives a shit** ) Nick says to Collin.  Thinking he’s Mickey.

“Okay so you want to play stupid. Alright I’m game asshole. There’s one thing I need to ask you and you better be fucking truthful with me Mickey, or I swear to god I will ripe your fucking dick off.” Collin says angrily towards his brother

Nick snorts and that leans back and waits for Collin to speak paying little to no attention to the older boy in front of him.

“So I didn’t want to say this in front of Mandy or Iggy, but I got a call from the bank where Moms pension is at, along with the lawyer from her will. It seems like you tried to clean it out…Now I know there must have been some sort of fucking mistake because you wouldn’t do that. Me, you, Mandy, and Iggy are her beneficiaries and that money goes to us. Now tell me right now! And please tell me the truth. Did you or did you not try to clean out that account! (Collin waits for his brother to respond, but he says nothing)..... Mickey!.... God damn it SAY SOMETHING!” Collin was angry and Nick was just ignoring him like nothing.

Collin made his way towards Mickey from the middle of the living room looking at his little brother with such angry and betrayal. Then he said “Mikhailo! Vidpovisty meni, Chort zabyray” (Answer me god damn it)

“ **Oh Collin,…Collin,…Collin.” Nick has his hands behind his back and rocking back and forth on his heels “I ain’t tryin to take all of it, that banker is fuckin wrong and I’m insulted that you would think that.”** He puts his hand on his chest as if to act like he’s hurt but laughs.  **“motha fucker should be fuckin fired for lyin….Look okay, I simply took out a large amount from the pension which was owned to me and only me. Yah still have yah shit okay.”**

“What the fuck Mickey!? You can’t just do that shit. What the fuck is wrong with you?!” Collin says to him

**“YOU KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME COLLIN! YOU!”** He shoving Collin in the chest and continues to scream at him in rage. “ **YOU’RE WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME! IT’S BECAUSE OF YOU COLLIN YOU! You promised and you left. You always fuckin left you piece of shit! And you let him-” Nick says to Collin but cuts himself. He just smiles and shakes his head and laughs**

“Mickey…I” Collin trailed off. His eyes are watery now, for some reason he knew what Mickey was talking about. But Mickey didn’t remember. He told Collin he didn’t remember much about Terry or where they went when he was younger. Then all of a sudden

His little brother is laughing at him, then looks Collin in the eyes and says.  **“Stop callin me that?** ” his little brother tells him.

“What?” Collin says and is confused. Mickey’s not making any sense now.

“ **Oh nothing.”** He huffed out, than continues “ **Just go and leave me alone.** **_Now_ ** _! _ ” he says with heat, through clenching his teeth.

Before Collin could leave he stops and turns and really looks at Mickey this time. He looks at him up and down and carefully. Mickey doesn’t ever spike his hair like that; he doesn’t wear an earring and eyeliner? Plus the way Mickey is talking is not how he talks to anyone. Like slang in a way. That’s not Mick at all. Before he leaves he then figures out what’s so different and wrong with his brother. “oh shit…no it can’t be.” Collin mumbles to himself. This wasn’t his brother. He remembers looking at the taps with the officer to identify Mickey along with the other children on those tapes. Some tapes were mark Mickey, and some were mark Nick. And then he puts two and two together.

“Fuck” Collin says

**_8 years ago_ **

_Collin had come home from College on break. He was 20 years old and his 21_ _st_ _birthday was around the corner, he was soon going to be graduating from school. He couldn’t wait to for graduation, then to get a good job and take his brothers and sister away from Terry. Today, No one was home, which didn’t surprise him one bit.  Terry was always somewhere with Mickey for some reason. Probably showing him how to be “A man” as he puts it since Mickey just turned 14. Apparently Terry thought that it was a good thing to have his sons lose their virginities at an early age. He never understood why. His dad was an abusive prick, which is why Mandy always stayed away from the house and Iggy was always at his girlfriend’s house. Collin would try to come home every weekend to keep Mickey Company, but he was never home and Terry always had him out with him._

_ Collin didn’t think anything of it, none of them did really. Yeah they would see the bruise on Mickey’s body, and knew that Terry likes to use Mickey as a punching bag whenever he got drunk, upset, and would ramble on about how much Mickey ruined his life and took his mother away from him. Mickey turned out to be the substitute for him and Iggy. He always felt guilty for that, but he tried to show his brother how to defend himself and to try and at least leave the house whenever he could. _

_ You see it wasn’t Mickey’s fault that their mother had a weak heart. She knew that the chances of her surviving the birth were slim, but she refuse to not have Mickey. She wanted him more than anything. She even told Collin to make sure that if anything happens to her that he would protect him and that he would keep the name she chosen for him. Collin did just that at the request of his mother. _

_ The horror of Terry Milkovich was hard to get passed by. He became more violent and harsh towards his children after their mother died. He neglected Mickey until he was 3 years old and for some reason he chose to watch over him, but still beat him. Collin once got into a bad fight with Terry about laying a hand on Mickey while he was so young. That resulted in Collin getting his arm broken and a busted lip.  No one could tell Terry what to do with his children, not even his own children. So when Collin left for college it got somewhat worse as Mandy and Iggy put it. _

_ Terry was out the house more with Mickey and they were afraid that he was corrupting Mickey’s mind. He would come back not speaking for days, than all of sudden would be violent towards Mandy and Iggy for no reason. Cursing at them and physically fighting with them. Sometime they would hear Mickey cry in his room to himself, and whenever Terry heard him he would get beaten harder. Eventually Mickey learned to cry silently to himself in his room. But it didn’t stop there. _

_ Collin swore he would take his brothers and sister away as soon as he was done with school. He promised his mother he would always look after them no matter what and he tried he really did try his hardest. But in the end it wasn’t enough and again Mickey was the one who paid the heaviest price. _

_ Collin was looking for some weed, and he knew his dad always stashed the good shit under his bed in his secret yet not so secret box. He wouldn’t know or realizes if any was missing seeing as Collin would replace some of his stash with oregano and tea flacks. Terry was never the smart kind of man and if we’re being honest he was flat out fucking stupid. When Collin reached for the box he felt and opened it; it wasn’t the box he was looking for. In fact this box was full of DVDs and some old VCR tapes. Curiosity got the better of him as he examined the tapes and dvds. Some were labelled Mick/Nick, and somewhere just Nick. _

_ Collin looked at the items in front of him weird but decided to take them and go to his room with it. There he got the old VCR and hooked it up to his TV and then opened his laptop and placed a dvd inside. The DVD instantly started to play without Collin knowing and what he saw made his stomach drop. His eye widen as he was looking at his baby brother in front of a camera naked. He was crying and Collin just stood there in shock of what he was seeing. Mickey had to be no more than 10 in that video. He heard a woman in the background telling Mickey to stop crying before she took the lighter and burned him again. Mickey dried his eye in the video and his expression changed. The woman called his name but he didn’t respond. Instead he looked at the person from behind the camera and said “My names not Mickey it’s Nick.” And then Collin heard another person which sounded like his father. “So your name is Nick again huh…well Nick you going to put play just like you always do right.” In the video Mickey just lowered his head and looked away. _

_ Collin couldn’t take any more of what he was seeing he instantly took the DVD out and threw it across the room. He called the police, the only thing he could do. His baby brother was….NO. He got the box of tapes and DVDs as he hung up the phone when heard his father walk in with Mickey. He didn’t make a sound apparently Terry didn’t know anyone was home. _

_ “We got more customers now boy. See this is your way of contributing no one ever said using or selling your body was a bad thing right? I knew I would find better use for you as you got older.” Collin then heard a slap sound and a thump on the floor and he heard Terry growling at Mickey. “Don’t you fucking look at me like that Mick? You know what it is. You’re just a piece of meat, and I own you. You understand! I own you got that!  I can sell you to anybody I chose, but then again your stupid ass brothers and sister would figure it out. God only know why your mother had you…yeah I know to punish me of course. I never wanted any of you ingrates” Terry says to Mickey. _

_ Collin was beyond pissed, more like seeing red now. He called the cops before Terry walked in so right now he didn’t give a fuck if he got arrested for killing his father. What he was doing to his brother was unimaginable, and Collin felt like he failed Mickey. _

_ Next thing he knows he’s bursting out of his room and is on Terry. Punching him and banging his head against the floor in rage. He gets up and kicks Terry in the balls over and over again. He can’t stop and he won’t stop. Not until Terry knows exactly what pain he’s caused this family and more importantly the pain he’s most likely caused Mickey. _

_ The front door opens and it’s Mandy and Iggy walking through the door. They see Collin and Terry and Mickey on the side looking at both men fighting. Mickey’s just looking on with a blank expression and motionless. Mandy is yelling for Collin to stop. But Collin doesn’t listen.  _ **_“No!”_ ** _ and with every word he speaks he’s now kicking Terry at the same time “ _ **_This.  Son. Of. A. Bitch! Has. Been. Fucking. using. Our Brother and selling him. Making sex tapes of him!”_ ** _ Collin then grabs Terry again and starts punching him “ _ **_YOU SON OF A BITCH HE’S YOUR SON, YOUR FUCKING SON YOU SICK PRICK!”_ ** _ and Iggy is trying to get his Brother off their dad, but Collin is beyond rage now and just continues shouting at him. _

_ Collin shoves Iggy off of him and Terry manages to kick Collin in the stomach sending him to the floor in pain. Both men are fighting now and fists are flying. Terry managed to get a few hits in and then the cops come in just as Terry is choking Collin. And Iggy’s trying his hardest to get his dad off Collin.  There is blood everywhere; from Terry, and Collin. The Police literally show up in time and request immediate back and call in for an ambulance to come. Both men were out for blood and it was clear that neither one of them were going to give up.   _

_ The police are able to restrain both men, but Collin is literally fighting back tears. He couldn’t believe this; that man in front of him in cuff was …… no, he didn’t want to think of it. Mickey was in the corner glaring at Terry not paying attention to know one. Not even when Mandy went to him and hugged him, not when the police officer kneeled down and wrapped him up in a blanket. He remembers when the paramedics came and got Mickey and Iggy went with him seeing as Collin couldn’t go. He wondered if Mickey was okay. He promised, he always promised him he would protect him. Yet Collin failed to do that. _

_ The police got a hold of Terrys personal stash. That’s what they were calling it, and to say the least what Collin found wasn’t the whole thing. Not even close.  It made him sick to know what his father had done to Mickey. He wanted to kill him more than anything.  In the end, Collin served a max of 12 days in jail and was released. Being as the judge saw that it was self-defense and saw Collins bruises and Marks on his body from Terry’s assault along with the stack of files and crimes against Terry. He still had to serve time for physically hitting back and also giving Terry a beat down that landed him with a clasped lung, a broken arm, leg, and collar bone. No one needed to know that it was Collin who started the fight. That was for him and him only to know, and Mickey of course; no one to found out. _

_ In the end, Collin found out that he would have to testify against his father as to what he found. He was glad to do that. He did however have to identify Mickey in one of the videos the detective showed him. Just one so that they could note it on every video he was in.  He hated doing that, but the detective informed him that Mickey wasn’t the only child in this rain of videos. It made Collin sick even more. _

Collin remembers like it was yesterday the video that started to play as he watches his little brother on video to identify him to the detectives.

(The Video plays)

_ “Hi what your name?” the man in the video said looking at Mickey _

_ “My name is Mickey” Mickey says. _

_ “Well Mickey can you come here please and sit next to me. I promise I won’t hurt you.” The man in the video says to Mickey as he pates down on the bed. In the video Mickey’s walking to the man in the video and is sitting next to him. _

_ “How old are you?” the man says _

_ “I’m four, but I’m not supposed to talk to strangers. Do you know where my dad is?” Mickey says and then the video cuts off as the detective removes it. _

_ Collin was only supposed to see one video to identify Mickey, but he couldn’t move. He still couldn’t believe that this was real. The detective then takes another video and plays it for Collin. This time Mickey is sitting on the bed looking at the camera. You can see the dry tears on his face and there’s no emotion on his face, none whatsoever. _

_ “Hi Mickey how are?” Man says in the video. _

_ Mickey looks up at the man and says “My names not Mickey.” _

_ “No? I thought that was your name?” The man continues talking to him. _

_ “No. My names Nikolai or Nick” _

_ “Okay then…I’ll call you Nick okay.” _

_ Mickey just shrugs in the video and looks at the man now. That was when the detective cuts the video. Collin is motionless unable to piece together what he just saw. _

_ The detective showed Collin the second tape because he was concern that maybe Mickey had somehow suffered from something mentally. For him to name himself other name than his name, was not normal for a young child. Collin nodded his head the whole time barely hearing the detective now as he saw how helpless his little brother had been for years and no one knew. Not him, not Iggy, not Mandy, No one. What kind of person does this? He thought to himself _

_ He ended up glancing over the evidence and saw that so many of the DVDs and VCR tapes that had Mickeys name on them. Some with Mick/Nick, or only Nick on them; never just Mickey’s name. Collin had to look away nearly in tears. He thought to himself “yeah I failed him.” _

_ Shortly after everything happened Collin was able to get custody of Mickey and Mandy. Iggy was already of age, but he got custody of him either way. He told Mandy and Iggy to never mention anything about Terry and what happened to Mickey. They swore they wouldn’t, seeing as Mickey had no memory of what happened. _

_ The detectives had wanted Mickey to testify; however Collin refused to let Mickey testify seeing as apparently he didn’t remember anything. Plus he was still a minor so Collin had some control on whether he could or could not stand trial. The detective told Collin that Mickey wouldn’t have to be in front of the suspects including their dad, and that he would be answering the lawyers question with just the jury in the room and the judge. Collin still refused and told them that Mickey had been through enough and the detectives told Collin that they understood. They were still going to get justice for Mickey and the other children on those tapes from the evidence they obtained.   _

_ Collin thought that it was a good thing; in his eyes that Mickey didn’t remember anything. But he didn’t tell the detective this at all. I mean who wants to remember being subjected to such torture, pain, and humiliation. _

_ The doctors who looked over Mickey after the innocent informed Collin that in some cases Children of sexual abuse tend to block the memories of the abuse that is happening to them. When the doctor asked Mickey what happen to him. Mickey simply looked at the doctor and Collin and said “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Did something happen? Is that why they’re giving me an examination?” Looking at Collin again he said “Can we go home please? I’m tired.” _

_ When Mickey was out of the room waiting for Collin in the waiting room, Collin mention to one of the doctors that in one of the tapes the detective had told Collin that Mickey had been calling himself Nick. Collin didn’t want to say anything; however he felt like the doctor needed to know for some reason. As he was worried as to why Mickey was not remembering the trauma he faced for so many years. Collin wanted his brother to be 100 percent healthy again and not remember anything that happened to him. If he couldn’t protect him from Terry and the fucked up shit he done to Mickey, then he could at least protect him from what he didn’t need to remember. _

_ The doctor then ask Collin if there was any history of mental illness and Collin told the doctor no. The doctor still recommended therapy treatment for Mickey since he had such a traumatic event happen in his life over the years. However Collin refused it, seeing as he didn’t want Mickey to relive any of what Terry or any of those sick fucks did to him. Plus again Mickey seemed not to remember anything at all of what happened. _

_ Mickey asked where was Terry a few times but Collin Iggy and Mandy told him he got busted for drugs and was sent to do 35 to life. Mickey didn’t seem to care; in fact he was happy, seeing as Terry would use him as a punching bag .That he did remember. Collin honestly thought that it was a good thing Mickey didn’t remember what they had put him through.  And if he didn’t remember it, then it wouldn’t hurt him at all. Or so he thought anyways. _

So 8 year ago; yeah 8 year ago that happened and it was all coming back to Collin now.  He’s looking at his little brother right now and his eyes are widened.  That memory of so long ago has haunted Collin for years now, and right now it’s coming back to haunt in again.

“Are you gonna fuckin leave or what?” Nick says to Collin again

“Yeah…. No yeah I’m going” Collin says and walks towards the door not before grabbing his brother and giving him a hug.  Nick shoves him away, looking at Collin sides ways as he leaves his apartment.

Collin leaves and immediately gets his phone out and calls Iggy. “Hey Iggy! Get Mandy and meet me at the office! We have to talk it’s about Mickey…..No, No, No trust me Ig’s this is can’t wait. Get Mandy and head there now.” Collin hangs up and heads straight for the office.

Meanwhile what Collin didn’t know was that Nick was on the other side of the door listening. He instantly got some of his things, packed it up and waited 10 minutes before calling a Cab and heading out the door.  He didn’t want to risk seeing any of them again. If there was one thing Nick knew how to do. It was disappearing. He left all of Mickey’s bank cards, credit card, and Mickey phone and took his own cell phone from his bag, and text the one person he could count on. He had double check to make sure he only had cash on him and his work uniform before leaving not looking back.

What do you when the person you love looks at you and you don’t see them anymore. What do you do when the person you love isn’t there anymore, but is simply still there inside themselves?   The question is simply. What is it that you do to help the one you love fight a battle that he or she themselves have been fighting since they can remember.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is for maryellen590 who wanted to me to work on it, so I did. I hope you like


	8. Keeping the Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I am sorry I haven't updated in a few days. I havent been feeling so well. But I am writing again. This one is not as long as it is but I hope you like it. I will be updating again this weekend to make up for lost time. Also I did introduce two new character as this store is going along. They will play a important role.  
> Also please note this chapter has some trigger warnings such as the mention of rape.  
> Please leave me your comments and i do love to read them and I appreciate your voice and input and thoughts. Im not so happy with this chapter but I hope you guys like it.

Driving to the office Collin wasn’t sure how he was going to tell his brother and sister what was going on. One thing’s for sure, was that somehow his memory of 8 years ago came flooding back and things made sense somehow. Mickey was tired more and more sometimes telling Mandy or even him that he was exhausted from some reason. Going on about how he would feel out of it not like himself and how at night he felt like he didn’t get much sleep. He would sometimes told Collin he felt like he didn’t sleep at all. Blackouts happen to him when he was younger a lot actually, but Mickey would deny it. Saying he was just overworked with either school or working. But it never made sense to Collin. Not until now. Mandy had said Mickey’s behavior became more hostile towards her and today right now; with what just happened, Mandy was right. 

Collin wondered to himself now; ‘why would Mickey want Moms pension’ even without the pension they were all well off, more than well off.  To be fairly honestly their mother’s pension was just their collecting dust. So why did he need it.  Then he disappeared for nearly a month and not a word. Not one fucking word. First things first; he needed to talk to Mandy and Iggy to get their input. Telling them what he kept from them about the video he saw all those years ago is not going to be easy.  But if Mickey was going through some shit that mentally fuck him up, than his brother needed help. Even if that meant bring up the past he tried to keep away from Mickey for so long.

Collin pulled up into the office and went straight into his office and waited for Mandy and Iggy. He turned on his computer and started doing some research. Googling symptoms of childhood trauma and the effects it would have on a person as an adult. There were many things that came up; Everything from depression, to drug and alcohol abuse, to domestic violence abuse and untreated mental illness. That one made Collin dread in guilt. When he researched more into it he found a few things that could probably answer the question as to why Mickey was acting the way he was. Everything from anxiety disorder which didn’t fit, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, dissociation, panic attacks and personality disorder….. Collin then he decided to leave the tab open and open up another one and googled personality disorders. Remembering what the doctors told him all those years. The results were overwhelming and looking through all of the information he was finding made Collin’s stomach drop and guilt took over him quickly again.

Just then Mandy and Iggy walked into the office; Mandy looked annoyed and pissed, and Iggy well he looked exhausted and really tired. Dealing with what happen with Mickey just an hour ago affected them all, but both Mandy and Iggy were hurt and Collin could tell.

“Okay, so I know I told you guys to come here because we have to talk about Mickey.” Collin starts off with first saying.

“Fuck that! I’m really fucking pissed at him. If he wants to ruin his life then so be it. Let him fucking run off do whatever the fuck he wants, okay! I’m done and I refuse to have him fucking treat us like this! Whenever there’s something wrong with him we have to deal with it. No! Fuck that shit.” Mandy says with so much heat behind her voice.

At this point Collin knew Mandy was just upset and that she didn’t mean any of that. (At least he hopes she didn’t.) If anything this was her way of saying Mickey hurt her and she was hurting. So to get back at him she would so call ‘not talk to him or run to him whenever he needs her’ which in many cases Mandy always went to her little brother. It happened a lot when they were younger. Mickey would do something to get Mandy upset and she would say so much shit about not caring about him and would never help him again. But once Mickey called her for help or even asked for her. Mandy was there for him, and vice versa. 

“Mandy.” Collin says

“No she right man...” Iggy now says looking at Collin “Look I know you made a promise to mom years ago to always make sure you took care of us, especially with Mickey and with the shit that happened years ago to him. But look, he’s acting like a spoiled fucking brat man. Not letting us know if he’s going to come to work and shit disappearing on us and talking to us like we’re nothing. Dude that’s fuck up and what he said to Mandy he’s lucky she didn’t fuck him up, or me for that matter.” Iggy told Collin.

“Look I understand you guys are mad I get that, but Mickey he’s just…. I mean he’s…. fuck man” Collin says.

“You can’t keep making excuses for him Collin. Iggy’s right okay! End of story, that’s it. There nothing more you can say that will change our minds or have us forgive him.” Mandy tells her brother.

“Mandy come on, Please. I know your both pissed right now……I get that I do, trust me, but… but this…it’s different okay.” Collin says to them

“Oh yeah how? Please do enlighten me” Mandy says sarcastically to Collin

“I’m not a hundred percent sure yet. But… just…(Collin sighs) Look when I find out just… Just trust me okay. I know there’s something wrong with him. And I just have to figure shit out before I can do anything or before you guys just write him off like he’s nothing okay.  Please just trust me okay.” Collin says desperately to his siblings

“Yo! Collin you’re not making any sense right now. What the fuck are you talking about?” Iggy says to Collin.

Collin was silent for a moment, he’s looking at his computer with information he found over the internet. What he was finding was not good enough for his siblings or him just yet. He needed to talk to a professional; more important he needed better resources. He looked at his brother and sister and decided telling them his theory about Mickey and about what he knew was not the right time. He needed to do this right and the right way.

“Just let me figure shit out okay. I need you guys okay and when I find out what’s up, trust me you will be the first to know. Just…for now we’re going to give Mickey his space and not pay mind to what he does. He will come back to work in a few days and hopefully things will be okay. Alright.” Collin says looking at both Mandy and Iggy now.

“Yeah whatever.” Mandy says and shrugs her shoulders.

But it was Iggy who was looking at his brother now trying to figure out what Collin was trying to say. He knew Collin was hiding something, but he just didn’t know what. So Iggy just nodded his head in agreement.

Iggy and Mandy left Collin in his office alone. Collin is sitting down at his desk and was thinking of what he needed to do now. His wife was calling him on his phone and that made him smile. One being married to a doctor had its perks and Collin laughed at himself. Why didn’t he think of his wife in the first place? She was his family and she loves Mickey just as much as Collin and his siblings do?

Collin answers the phone.

“Hey hunny.” Collins says to his wife over the phone

“Now why do you sound like over the phone?” Leah asks him

“Remember what I told you about us going to see Mickey and everything.” Collin says to her

“Yeah, how did that go? That’s why I was calling you. I wanted to make sure I didn’t have to kick his ass. So what happened?” She laughs over the phone to Collin.

Collin didn’t answer he just smiles sadly over the phone and god did he love his wife for making him smile at least

One of the things Collin loves about his wife was that 1. She was a tough cookie, she grew up just as poor as he did, and had to survive just as he did. However she was always so positive and loving. You could never tell she grew up on the south side of the Bronx. Bad area where people got rob, stabbed killed and where most people didn’t make it out alive. The area she grew up in no one but a few people including herself made it out. Leah is a bright young Hispanic woman, but she was straight from the hood. But always knew how to act like a lady. When the going got tough and shit got real, well let’s just say you would want her by your side always. That was what Collin needed; and his wife, she would understand it all. Leah never judged him, in fact she always slap Collin, Iggy, Mickey or Mandy upside their head when they talked bad about themselves or tried to bring themselves down. He was always thankful for that.

Leah knew everything about Mickey, and Collin was grateful that Leah respected his wishes by not telling him or no one what she knew. However she didn’t know everything and now Collin felt like if anyone could understand and not think he was crazy, it would her.

“How are the kids by the way?” Collin says trying to somewhat change the subject but not really

Leah was silent, see she knew her husband all too well, he might have grown up in the south side of Chicago but Collin was easy to read in her eyes. She knew something wrong.  “Cut the shit Collin, you know there fine, they’re with my aunt. Now answer me. What the fuck happened? Better yet what wrong?” Leah says to Collin

So Collin told her everything. Everything from when he viewed those tapes in the detective office years ago, and what he really saw. How Mickey called himself Nick. How his behavior and everything was different. How he felt Mickey wasn’t Mickey, how he didn’t want to tell Iggy or Mandy and have them be upset at him or even think he was crazy. How he never took Mickey to the therapist seeing as how he thought it was best due to the fact that Mickey didn’t remember anything. Everything…Everything he was thinking and feeling came out and he was nearly in tears as he told her how much he felt like he did wrong, and was still feeling like he did wrong.

Leah took in the information her husband told her and now spoke after a few moments of listening.

“Okay…okay I see where you’re coming from….But Collin you didn’t do anything wrong….You simply felt that it was best for him to not relive something he didn’t remember. If anything you were protecting him and that is not wrong.”

Collin was silent over the phone, even though Leah told him it wasn’t his fault and what he did was best for Mickey. He was still having trouble with that. So she continued on talking “Okay” Leah sighs “So…what do you want to do Collin? Because being doctor from the sound of it, Mickey could be experiencing many different things; most importantly he’s probably had a mental break down. Most children who suffer from abuse such as Mickeys experience a lot of different things. And were talking about some serious shit here Collin; He’s been through hell I can’t imagine and for him not to remember it’s not all that great. I know you must have been thinking it was good, but I can tell you from both my profession and personal opinion him calling himself Nick in that video is not good. There can many things he’s experiencing. He most likely dissociated when all that happened to him when he was younger for him not to remember…it can also be schizophrenia.” Leah tells him

“Dissociated?” Collin asks

“Yeah… It’s basically like when a person characterise by alteration in his or her perception. Meaning they detach themselves from their own selves. It’s like their defence mechanism if you think about it. They won’t remember things or memories and in this case Mickey doesn’t remember anything. But for him to call himself someone else….He probably made himself an altar, to break from reality. Not wanting to go through what he did and…. Look, if it is an altar; that he created all those years ago and it’s now surfaced. I can tell you this is not good, his mental health is not well. Meaning he needs help and fast.” Leah explains to Collin

“That the shit Leah, I don’t know if it is or not. I don’t know if Mickey is just being a dick or if he’s someone else. How the fuck am I suppose know that?” Collin says to Leah

“I don’t know too much about these disorders and I’m not a psychologist, but you can try and confront him. But have back up, because once you do that, and if he does have an altar. I can tell you right now Collin; he’s going to be pissed. He may or may not lash out on you and it will have a worse effect on his mental state. So if you’re going to do this, you need to do it right. Contact the office or detective that was on the case all those years ago to see if he can help. You need to make sure that what you saw was accurate. I know you said you saw different tapes, but who’s to say that they didn’t make him say his name was Nick. In the meantime I will call my brothers and see if he can help you just in case the detective can’t help you or is retired. Being that it was years ago and my brother works for the police department out there I think hopefully it won’t be a problem. But if it is that’s why you have a brother law who is a cop and the other a lawyer.” Leah chuckles at the last sentence   “Then I’m going to fly down there in 2 week and help you out. I may know someone who can help…she a good friend of mines. I can see if she will help Mickey out if there is something seriously wrong with him. But I can also overlook on his condition if and only if something is wrong with him okay.” Leah says to Collin

“Baby you don’t have to, what about the kids and your job, you know the hospital out there needs you.” Collins says

“Asshole please. The kids are good with my aunt, which by the way she loves to have them. Plus the hospital owes me time off…like a lot of it. If I wanted I can take a leave of absence and if they don’t like it, they can shove it. They know damn well between Bellevue, and New York Presbyterian hospital wants to grab me up from here. They know better than to test me.” Leah says with no shame in her voice to Collin over the phone.

Collin laughs because yeah she was right. Plus in this economy in general when you thought about it, the health care depart was one of the most known jobs to always be hiring and never really firing people unless they fuck up really bad.

“Okay baby. I’m going to see what I can do from my end okay. I’ll call you tomorrow and let you know what’s the status.” Collin says

“Ooookay you better.” Leah says in a teasing yet innocent voice to Collin, trying to make him smile or a least better in some form of way.

Which it did and Collin smiles feeling a little better, as his wife always knew what to do and say in times of fucking craziness “Ya tebe lyublyu” ( I love you) Collin tells her

“Te amo nimis” (I love you too) Leah says back to him

**************************

After Collin hung up the phone with Leah he went through his phone and looked up the one detective he kept in contact with all these years.  Detective David McCain kept in contact with Collin over the years. He always looked out for the Milkovich siblings after everything happened. From helping Collin find Mickey when he ran away, to being there for Collin when he was having a hard time paying rent in the crappy 2 bedroom apartment he had for his siblings and himself when he first got custody of them.

If anyone could help him, it would detective McCain… Well hopefully.

Nick made his way to Ian’s house on the South side. He didn’t tell Ian anything, just that he wanted to see him and that he needed to crash at his place for a while.  Ian didn’t mind being that there was plenty of space and Nick would be with him in his room anyways. Their time in New York was amazing, they went everywhere and anywhere. Ian honestly didn’t want to leave but Debbie needed him more home and he did have a job to come back to.

Nick didn’t know much about Ian’s family except what he told him which was some were a few things. Like Fiona leaving taking Carl and Liam. Lip coming back home apparently he needed to figure shit out. Something about his ex and wanted to settle down and that he wasn’t quite ready yet. Or so Ian was told, most likely Lip wanted to be single again and just needed an excuse not to hurt the girl he was seeing. He said he loved her, but there were “Problems in their relationship” that they had to figure out.  Then there was Debbie. See there was more to Debbie then Ian didn’t tell Nick.

So when Nick got a text message from Ian to just come in the house but to stay down stairs for a while till he came down, he asked why. Ian just didn’t respond. When he entered the house it was quiet, but he could hear noises upstairs. He just went straight for the kitchen and grabbed a beer, and while he did that Ian came down the stairs.

“Hey you.” Ian says to Nick as soon as he spots him.

“Hey Red. What up?” Nick says as he kisses his boyfriend, and Ian smiles softly at him.

“Nothing just uh if Debbie comes down can you like be nice to her, like extra nice and not a dick.” Ian says to Nick.

With that statement Nick raises his eyebrows at Ian “I like that sister, not the other bitch.” Nick says pointing upstairs where Debbie must have been.

“Okay well just be, you know careful with her.” Ian says

“Why what wrong?” Nick says

Ian’s eye got dark and he tenses up. See the thing was, Debbie’s incident happened and he felt like it was his fault. He didn’t want to remember getting a call from the hospital, or seeing his sister in tears, or the police talking to him and her while she relieved the most fucked up day of her life.

“Okay so a few month ago my sister she was um… she was taken advantage us. And uh…The asshole at some party that by the way, I told her and gave her permission to go to had forced himself on her.  So she hasn’t talked about it, and sometimes she gets really depressed and just cries. Some nights she even has nightmares…I took her to the doctor to see a therapist and talk about it, but she hasn’t and … fuck man.” Ian looks down and Nick could see he felt defeated.

“What Ian? “ Nick says

“She won’t talk about it Nick. The doctor said to watch her and make sure she doesn’t do anything to herself…. I …. I can’t lose my sister. They caught the asshole and he’s locked up, so she isn’t so scared to go out anymore, but she gets nightmares sometimes.” Ian now gets emotional and angry when he speaks to Nick “S-she doesn’t socialize with her friends anymore in school and she stays to herself. She looks…I don’t even know how to explain it!” Ian looks at Nick with eye widen trying to blink back tears. “She my baby sister and I can’t protect her. She-I wasn’t there to protect her!”

Ian told Nick all this and Nick tensed up however Ian didn’t notice when it happened. Being taken advantage of….Rape, he meant to say rape, but didn’t.  The way Ian says it to him “taken advantage of” was just a better way of saying rape. That was a word he hated, a word he knew all too well. He felt for Debbie, but he couldn’t show that. That meant showing weakness and Nick was the one who protected Mickey from pain and the truth. From everything really, so there was no room for weakness...Nick knew how Debbie felt; the pain, the guilt, the disgust, the numbness; but he also knew the will to be strong because that’s what he was. Because that’s what you have to do in order to survive! Nick nods his head and Ian notice how Nick mannerism changed.

“Hey uh…you think I can talk to her?” Nick found himself saying before even knew it.

Ian looks at him puzzled but nodded his head. “Uh yeah; she’s um she’s upstairs. But I mean are you sure? I doubt she’s going to talk to you. I mean she hasn’t cried since it happened and she was just crying and crying and refused to even let me hold her. Shit she hasn’t even let no one touched her or hug her since it happened.” Ian says to Nick.

Nick just nods his head slowly and made his way upstairs not saying a word to his boyfriend. He didn’t know if Ian followed him, or if he stood down stairs waiting for him. He walked up to Debbie’s door and knock on it.

“Ian I told you leave me the fuck alone, I’m fine.”  Debbie says through the door.

Nick opened the door and saw the young redhead sitting on her bed with her head down blanket over her shoulders.

“Ian I said…” Debbie trailed off as she saw Nick standing at her doorway.

“Not Ian” Nick says standing at the door closing it slightly.

“No shit. Hey Nick, what’s up? Ian’s not here I kicked him out my room.” Debbie says as she wiped her face with her hands.

“Yeah I know, saw his tall ass down stairs. But I decided to see you.” Nick says

“Well, let me guess Ian told you right!” Debbie says bitterly “Well I’m fine okay! So you can go back down stairs. I don’t need yours or his or anyone else’s god damn sympathy” Debbie says to Nick with some heat in her voice.

“I’m not here to give you shit… Honestly I just wanted to see if you needed anything. Like, fuckin I’m about to go make your brother take me to the store and get some shit. And I wanted to know if you wanted to get High! I got some good weed.” Nick says calmly to Debbie. He didn’t know why but for some reason those eyes were his once. He knew what she was feeling but refused to let anyone know it. Even Ian.

Debbie looks at him and she nods her head in response. She was silent for a moment, than she spoke softly. “Do you ever wonder why you’re born? Like why on earth, are you as a person… are here? Like…why…you know?.....why do people…….” Debbie huffed and sighed “forget it, its stupid to think anyways.”  Debbie was looking at Nick and he was just staring at her seeing how her pleading eyes wanted answer, to make sense of things. To at least, make some sense of it all!

“I don’t know? Honestly this world is full of fucked up people, fuck up things and shit happens.”  Was all Nick say and can think of. Debbie just nods and looks away.

She then looks at Nick and stares at him dead in his eyes and spoke to him. “I sometimes feel like…like I’m nothing. Like I was born in this world for people to just hurt me, use me, fuck, even destroy me. I feel like I’m nothing, like dead inside, like everyone’s upset because I can’t or won’t talk about it! But they don’t get it.” Nick was silent and Debbie continues to talk looking at him. “They don’t get how it feels to wake up and not want to wake up… How it feels to look in the mirror and not see yourself anymore. Or how it feels that like on the outside as much as you are clean that you fell-“

Nick then cut her off. “Dirty all the time…disgusted with yourself so much that all you wanna do is be numb from the pain and feeling anyway you can and shit…Or when you try to rid yourself of the memories of that pain that’s there any way you can.” They were silent for a moment but he continues to speak slowly and lowly to Debbie. “Or how no matter what you do, when you go to sleep, you still have them in your mind and wake up with them. Like there still on your body…It don’t go away because it’s apart of you, because that one person took away somethin that you ain't never getting back ever… or at least that’s how it feels.” Nick looks at Debbie and he could see the tears rolling down her face.

What both of them didn’t know was that Ian was outside the door listen. His heart was hurting. He never heard his sister talk about her rape, or that even Nick must have experienced something similar if not the same from the way he was speaking to Debbie…It was as if he knew what she was feeling. Ian wanted to so badly go in Debbie’s room and hold his sister and his boyfriend tight and close and tell them that no one will ever hurt them again. But he knew if he did this Debbie would be pissed off at him for eavesdropping in on her, and Nicks would curse him and most like punch him and get mad at him. So he slowly made his way back down stairs making sure to miss the steps on the stairs that made noise.

Meanwhile Debbie looks at Nick. She gets up and stands in front of him. He looks at her and saw some kind of relief in her eyes, but pain nonetheless.

“Thanks.” Was all she says and grabs his hand and squeezes it.

“For what?” Nick says and take his hand away from hers.

“For understanding… and listening” Debbie says

Nick just shrugged at what she said. “So you want anything or no, because once we leave and come back from the store, I aint going out and your brother got work in the morning I’m guessing.” Nick says to her.

“No I’m okay…thanks again anyways.” And with that she walks out of her room into the bathroom. But before she could close the door to the bathroom Nick spoke.

“Hey Debbie?”

“Yeah” She responds to Nick as she turns to look at him.

“Don’t let what happen to you break you. You and me we're strong people. So fuck what other people say or how they look at you. Just simply tell them to fuck themselves. We here ain’t we? And where are those dumb fuck huh….Nowhere! they aint nobody. I’ve always been a fighter… and so should you. Beat the shit out of people if you have to, hurt them so they don’t hurt you, but don’t fucking make them make you! You got that shit. Yeah it’s a painful reminder but that shit aint you. You got that. Remember that…understood?” Nick says to her

Debbie nods her head and smiles “Yeah… Yeah I know now.” She then closed the door to the bathroom.

Nick makes his way down stairs and found Ian in the kitchen cooking. He went to his boyfriend and put his arms around him and brought Ian’s back close to his chest. He leaned over and kissed his cheek, and just held him tight then let’s go of him. Ian turns to looks at Nick and smiles. “So how is she?” Ian asked.

“I think she good now. Just needed to talk to someone different I guess and shit.” Nick says

Ian give Nick a small smile “Yeah… well thanks.”

Nick shrugs his shoulders and speaks “Well, what can I say; I am an awesome boyfriend…so duh.” Nick says as he takes a beer from the refrigerator.

“You’re okay I guess.” Ian said and laughs when Nick flips him off. “So you got work tonight?”

“Nah I ain't got work today or tomorrow. I ain’t want to go right after we got back. So I go back next week and shit.” Nick says as he drinks his beer. “So look do you mind if I stay here for a while.  My apartment got some fuckin infestation problem in it.”

“What kind of infestation?” Ian said to him with his eyebrows raised up.

“Remember the stupid ass siblings I told you about?” Nick says

“Yeah.” Ian answers him

“Yeah well them. I don’t want them in my shit and apparently they feel like that they can get in my shit. So until I find a new place, I was hoping maybe I can crash here for a while if you don’t mind and shit. I can give you money for rent or whatever you want.” Nick tells Ian

“Sure you can stay here, but you don’t have to give me money okay. Maybe for food because your ass can fucking eat.” Ian said to Nick.

“Fuck you!” Nick said and laughs. “So what I can eat; not my fault. You see this body. It takes a lot to make it look this way and working out, dancing on stage, and fuckin you makes me hungry.” Nick says with amusement in his voice. Biting his lips he walked over to Ian and kisses him hungrily and passionately. As he pulled away from the kiss he saw his redhead almost lose balance.

Ian had to hold onto the counter as Nick pulled away from him. God the things Nick did to him were incredible. Nick looked at him seductively and all Ian could do was reply by shoving Nick up against the refrigerator and kiss him hard. Nick deepens the kiss by grabbing Ian’s neck with one hand and uses his other pulling Ian’s hair with the other and moans into Ian’s mouth. Ian moans back into Nick mouth and works his way down to Nicks’ neck sucking and nibbling at it. Nick hitched his breath and moves his head to the side so Ian could get better access. Ian grabs Nick ass and then flipped him over whispers words to Nick that made him eager to pull down his pants. Ian then wet two of his fingers in his mouth and made his way down to Nicks hole and puts them in his ass while kissing and sucking on Nicks neck.

Nick grunts and pushes himself back into Ian’s fingers, trying to get Ian to go deeper. Ian scissors Nick until Nick said “Fuck I’m ready… shit get in me baby.” That’s all Ian needed to hear. Nick and Ian weren’t using condoms anymore. Nick took Ian to the free clinic with him when they were in New York because he wanted to stop using condoms. So when they exchanged test results they were on each other instantly.

Ian took the lube out of pocket and brought his pants down and coated himself with the lube. “You had that the whole time and you asshole.” Nick says to Ian, when he turns around to look at Ian from his position leaning over the counter. Ian just laughs and kisses Nick before he can say anything else. Ian pushes himself inside of Nick. Nick felt warm inside, tight and amazing. Nick puts his arm in front of him to rest his head on it, as Ian started to move. Nick was meeting every thrust Ian was giving him. Ian was moving faster and so was Nick. Nick grabs Ian’s hip trying to push him in deeper and he the moans and screams Nick were making was blissful to Ians’ ears.  Nick starts to feel that familiar tingling sensation that spreads up from inside his stomach and moves all over his body. He tightens himself around Ian, and Ian loves when he does that. Ian grabs Nick and starts to pump him with every thrust he was making. It only takes a few thrust and both of them are cumming and their riding out their orgasm at the same time moaning each other’s name.  Ian turns the water on in the sink and cleans his hands and gets the some tissue to help clean Nick up.

“If I get to fuck you every night you can stay as long as you want and eat as much food as you want.” Ian says breathless leaning up against the counter next to Nick now.

Nick laughs and turns into Ian’s embrace. “See I knew your ass just wanted my ass for sex and shit. I mean I am worth a good pretty fucking penny and shit.” He smiles and kisses Ian.

Nick was looking at Ian and for the first time in forever being who he was; he was finally happy. Sure Nick was always around for Mickey no matter what and would come in when Mickey couldn’t handle things or when shit got to real for Mickey to handle.  Nick dealt with the pain, the hurt, the reality of feeling sorrow, sadness of the point that would make anyone want to kill themselves really. That’s why he was strong enough to handle anything, and strong enough to keep Mickey at bay. Meanwhile feeling this different kind of feelings with Ian was interesting, and he didn’t want to let that go.  For once Nick deserve to be happy. He had that right and no one was going to take it away from him, even if he had to burry Mickey down forever and never let him come back. This was Nick’s life now. He deserves it after all, it was only fare.

However he had no idea what kind of battle he was going to be up against in the coming months, but right now in this moment with Ian. Being with him holding him, kissing him, talking to him, just being around him. That was worth what was coming.

************************* 

After talking to detective David who was now Captain of Chicago’s finest in his prescient; Captain David McCain said he would do anything he can do to help Collin if what he told him about Mickey was true. The Captain knew that Collin wouldn’t come to him if he wasn’t so worried about Mickey, and in need of help. If there was one thing the ex-detective knew about the Milkovich siblings; it was that they always handled their problems in any way they could on their own with no help. But when push comes to shove, if need be they would ask for help, and that was only and if only they had no other opinion. Like a last resort of such.

Leah was coming to Chicago to help him and now here he was with the captain making his way upstairs to Mickey place.

The ex-detective now Captain was 5’10. Well-built for his age, dark brown hair, with blue eyes. He had a goatee style of beard. The ex-detective always had a serious experience on his face, never really smiled from what Collin could remember. To say nonetheless Collin always did feel somewhat uncomfortable around any form of police, but Captain McCain was somewhat of a friend to Collin and his siblings.

“So we go in and talk to Mick and I confront him, and hopefully he’s just being a dick and nothing more.” Collin says to the Captain as they ride the elevator upstairs to Mickey’s place.

“Okay, but if he’s not.” Captain McCain says to Collin moving from inside the elevator to the hallway.

“If he is who I think he is, and not Mick…” Collin says and pauses for a moment before he spoke again and sighs “Then I’m going to admit him in to the hospital and I need you to restrain him or stop him from leaving in case he runs or even fucking assaults me.” Collin says Captain McCain

“You’re afraid of Mickey of your own brother?” Captain McCain asks Collin.

“Honestly...Yeah. My brother can fucking fight and I can take a few hits, but if this is not Mickey, then I don’t even want to know what this other person will do to me…if he’s like schizo or something he can be dangerous…. But you didn’t see how he was just… I don’t know how to explain it. Angry doesn’t seem to even be right, he was beyond that when I talk to him.” Collin says to McCain

Collin knocks on Mickey’s door. He didn’t answer it, and then Collin saw the door open and looks at Captain McCain in silent. That was when Captain McCain pulled out his gun and pushes Collin aside. Slowly he pushes Mickey’s door open and calls out to him with his gun pointed inside the apartment.

“Wait here until I search the place, just in case someone came in here and broke in” McCain says to Collin and Collin nods his head yes.

Captain McCain searches Mickey’s apartment and when he found nothing he called for Collin to come in. Collin steps into Mickeys place and looks around. He found Mickey’s phone along with his credit cards and bank cards on the table. They were just here lying on the table tossed. Collin looks at the Captain and shakes his head. Mickey left… he wasn’t here his things were all here, but not him.

Collin didn’t know what to do now, and had a bad feeling he wasn’t going to see his brother for a long time.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  
> 
> I hope you guys like this one. Its a really interesting let me know what you guys think okay.

It had been 6 month since anyone heard from Mickey. Collin had put in a missing person report however there was no luck. Even Captain McCain had asked his office to keep an eye out for the young Milkovich but no one saw him.  Collin even reached out to Mickeys ex-boyfriend Colt who said he hadn’t seen Mickey in over 6 months. Colt sound concern over the phone Collin thought and said he would go to some of the place him and Mickey use to hang out to see if he saw him. Colt also told Collin that none of his co-workers at the hospital had seen Mickey either. No one saw him around there old spots they use to hang out around.

It was weird Mickey just disappeared. Mandy and Iggy cough it up to him just leaving not wanting to be bothered. He practically did it when he went to New York so they didn’t see as a problem to be bothered by it for a while. It wasn’t until the 3 rd month that they felt worried not knowing where there brother was at. However they did know he was okay, because he was still emailing the clubs out in New York and picking out the music and sending the music he recorded to them to play at the clubs. Mickey loved Music and for some reason music was his way of speaking. So when Mandy got a call from one of their managers at the club saying Mickey had emailed her, Mandy told Collin who was slightly relieved but also worried. All three siblings were relieved but worried that there little brother didn’t show up for work, didn’t bothered call or even send a fucking postcard. Like what the fuck man. Mandy started to feel like he must not really care at all and Iggy was feeling the same way. However Collin felt otherwise.

Collin still hadn’t told his brother and sister about what he suspected about Mickey, and he honestly felt helpless. But all he could do was search for his brother, maintain working as much as he could, and lean on his wife for support. God if He didn’t have her he didn’t know what he would do.

"What are you thinking about?” Leah asks Collin

Collin sighs “Mickey…. I wonder what he’s doing… If he’s okay, of if I’ve just been misreading him for month now. Before what I told you and everything. But it’s been 6 fucking months and not a word.”  Collin turns to Leah and asks her a question now. “You don’t think he thinks I might know or whatever the fuck it is. Do you think he knows I think something wrong with him? Could that be why he ran off and left everything behind?”

“That can be a possibility or what I am hoping is that he just needed to get away and decided to leave and not tell anyone maybe. But honestly it doesn’t sound like him to just up leave. He didn’t take his phone his lap top, his cards, nothing. Not even his car and we know that’s his baby.” Leah tells Collin. She’s always told him like it was and didn’t sugar coat anything and he appreciated her for that even more.

“Fuck I know.... Leah I have to find him. I have to know if he’s okay or if he is not and if he’s not then we have to help him.” Collin says looking at her with worried eyes.

‘’I know hunny, don’t worry. We will find him and help him if he is sick. Okay?” Leah says to him “But if he’s not, which I’m praying he isn’t. Then maybe your brother needs some space, to you know…find himself. It happens. It’s called life.”

“Yeah okay.” Collin says nodding his head and picks up his phone to call Captain McCain to see if anyone saw Mickey.

***********************************

Staying with Ian had become something really nice, something Nick got used to doing. It had been 6 months and he was happy.  Dancing at the club, giving lap dances to whoever paid for them, having Ian get jealous which was somewhat fun for him. Whenever Ian would get jealous of men who tried to hit on Nick or touch him while he danced. Ian would take Nick home or even in the back room at the club and fuck him hard and fast just like Nick liked. He would always ask Ian if he trust him, and Ian would tell him yes he did. Their relationship was growing and the more that happened, the more Nick fell for Ian, the more it was hard to not hide Mickey. Yeah Mickey was someone but now Nick was someone even more, and this was his life. Mickey already had his life so now Nick was here ready to have his life. It was a little crazy to explain, but the shit was… how would he explain it to Ian. After all Ian deserved the truth. The fact of the matter is, when should he tell Ian? How will he react? Will he leave Nick? Will Nick feel hurt, I mean he’s felt pain before and he’s handle it, but will it be different kind of hurt and pain? Does love really hurt you more? This was something Nick wondered about a lot recently

Then Nick thought that he just shouldn’t tell Ian and end things. That way no one was hurt, but then he thought about how it would hurt Ian and he didn’t want that. Like when the fuck did he become soft? Because that was not him.  Nick didn’t give a shit about anyone’s feelings. He could care less if he made you cry or want to kill yourself because frankly he just didn’t give a shit.  Nick was a guy who fuck any guy he wanted, got high anyway he can, and didn’t give a shit about the consequences because it was fun! And what was wrong with having fun? But with Ian…Well that was different. There was fun, there was excitement, and there was adventure and laughter and safety. That safety is what made Nick think hard and long. That was something he didn’t experience. Being safe with someone. That was new to him…scary even. With Ian he was though, he was safe. Ian always told him he would keep him safe when Nick woke up one night screaming in his sleep for someone to get off of him. It was the first time in a long time that he was dreaming those fucking events all over again.

Of course Ian didn’t ask he just helped Nick and told him he would be okay. He told him softly and embrace him, telling him that he would protect Nick. That was when Nick want to tell him everything. But he couldn’t. Not now anyways. You see the one thing Nick didn’t expect was for him to fall in love with Ian, and he knew that Ian was falling in love with him as well.

During these 6 month Ian more happy than he had ever thought he could be. He of course tried to get Nick to quit the job at the club, but Nick always told him “I like to dance and I love to be free on the floor. It makes me feel like I have control.” Every time it was always the same thing. Ian had started police academy a few month ago. Not to long after that Nick asked Ian if he could stay with him until he found a new place. Ian didn’t mind, in fact it was nice to come home to Nick even though he would either be sleeping or working out. Sometimes he found him playing the piano or on the laptop mixing music. Ian like the feeling of being domestic as some would call it. He didn’t care.

While in the academy they pay you as if you’re on the job, training school all that shit; so the pay was good. Ian would try like every week to get Nick to quit the job, but again always failed at the attempted and would sometimes go to the club to make sure no one was being to handys with Nick. Once Ian had to put a guy on his ass but it was because the bouncers at the club were not paying attention and some random fucker tried to grab Nick’s ass. Nick did pull away ready to swing on the guy when all of sudden Ian’s fist hit the guy jaw. Causing it to break, or at least that’s what they guy muttered as he was escorted out the building.  Nick and Ian got into fight about that. Nick told him he wasn’t some weakling that needs to be rescued. But Ian simply told him to shut the fuck up about it.

Just like any couple they fought, but Ian was happy. He also didn’t want Nick to leave either he just didn’t know how to tell him not to leave. That he wanted him to stay. One day he saw Nick looking at apartments. 2 bedroom, one for himself and another for a studio. Ian panic when he saw this.

“So your leaving” Ian asked curiously

“huh” Nick says as he looks up from what he was reading

“The paper has an apartment circling it” Ian says pointing at the paper Nick had in his hand now

“Oh yeah, why? I did say I was gonna stay for a bit till I found something. Plus I get in so late and you gotta be up early and shit might as well right?” Nick says to Ian hoping his boyfriend would say no and stop him at least. He really wanted to stay but felt like he was being too comfortable. He wasn’t sure Ian wanted him to stay. He did tell him it was only temporary.

“Umm that doesn’t bother me you know. You coming home late.” Ian says and smiles at Nick who in returned smile back

“You sure about that?” Nick says while he raises his eyebrows

“Yup” Ian says with a pop sound.

Ian didn’t want his boyfriend to leave, so ever since then he would make up excuses or would hint to Nick that it’s nice to wake up to him in the morning time, or how it’s always better to have someone to sleep with. That it apparently helps him sleep, even though Nick would get in from the club at like 4 am and Ian would be sound asleep.  Nick knew Ian didn’t want him to go since then. So Nick never left, and Ian was content with that. Nick would help pay some of the bills like light and water, and it all fell into place.   

________________________________ 

It was hot out now, not like it was a few months ago. The spring summer weather was still around which was Nicks favorite weather or so that’s what he told Ian. He was wearing his tight black tank top with black short. Earring in his right ear as always. Black eyeliner on, which Debbie always told him before he left the house that it was so hot out that it might melt off. But it didn’t. He had sunglasses on and his hair as always was spiked up, clean and cut just right. He went out to meet up with Ian for lunch. They did this sometimes, when he saw Ian in his uniform, he was hungry alright but for something else.

“So will you arrest me if I take you into the back alley and suck you off sir.” Nick says to Ian seductively playful

“Call me sir more often and I won’t” Ian shot back with a wicked grin. He knew Nick loves it when he wore his uniform, which was every day. At times it was hard to keep Nick off of Ian, but other times Ian didn’t mind.

"Remind me what time you get out” Nick says and kisses Ian passionately and grabs him through his pants.

"Luck for you early today. We had a test, and yes I passed by the way… Are you going to reward me?” Ian tells Nick flirting with him as always

“Hmmmm Maybe, if you make it worth my while of course.” Nick says lowly to Ian biting his lip.

“I’ll use the handcuff and make you beg.” Ian whisper back next to Nicks’ ear and bit it.

“Yeah okay.” Nick says immediate. He likes it when Ian did that. He trusts him.

They ate lunch at the diner near the prescient, food was okay and they talked about random shit like always. But this time Nick was curious to see what Ian was going to say about the topic of him.

“So your new cop buddies don’t mind you dating a dancer?” Nick says. It was no hiding that he didn’t like cops of course. But there was the minor exception of his boyfriend training to be one.

“What?” Ian said and looks up from his plate of food

Nick points to himself and Ian as he speaks “Me. Dancer. You rookie in training and shit. Us being a couple they don’t mind it? Haven’t said shit about it?” Nick asks

“Well I haven’t really told anyone about my private life except they did ask if I had a special lady, and I told them no I had a special man.” Ian says smiling at Nick trying to figure out what he was trying to ask him.

“So they know you’re gay.” Nick says to Ian

“Yeah. And before you say anything. No they don’t give a shit.” Ian says

“But they would if they found out your boyfriend is a dancer who use to sell himself right?” Nick says seriously looking at Ian's face to see his facial expression. And there it was Ian knew it! Nick has a way of bringing shit up without really saying what he wanted to ask. It was just his way.

It was never a given thought that Ian hated that Nick use to hook around. He didn’t like him dancing either, but Nick stuck to his guns and likes to dance. With the money he made from dancing and the club he had in New York with his sister (Which by the way he did not like to talk about her) Ian hated that part that Nick didn’t speak about his siblings much, but anyways. Nick wasn’t hooking anymore but still he could see his boyfriend wanted to know if he was ashamed of him for that, which he wasn’t.

“First of all I don’t give a fuck if they know you’re a dancer or that you use to hook around. Second of all your past, just like mines, is or our past. That’s none of their business. You’re a dancer and I’m studying to be a cop. But I don’t see you to be just a dancer who shakes his ass for old undercover asshole fucks. I see someone who gets on that stage, who dances like no one is watching. Who can care less if anyone is watching him? I see you as an artist, I see it when you play your music, or when write...and yes I see you write in that book all the time when you think I’m not looking. I see it, rather I hear it when you sing in the shower which by the way you have an amazing voice. Or when you’re at the club and you give the DJ your music and you’re dancing to it…your amazing. So again I don’t give a fuck what they know, what they do know. I’m not ashamed of the man that I love is all those things and more.” Ian says to Nick without blinking or looking away from Nick

Nicks face changes and softens “The man that you love?” Nick says questioning.

“Yes you asshole I love you. Okay is that a problem?” Ian says to him.

“No, but I knew you would say it first.” Nick says teasing Ian.

“Oh fuck you.” Ian says and laughs. He knew Nick wasn’t going to say it, but just by the look in his eyes, he knew Nick did love him. He kind of wish he would tell it back to him though.

“Later not now.” Nick says and is laughing

Ian loved him. Holly shit he did love him. And now it was time for Nick to tell Ian. Maybe he would be mad, but if he loved him, he wouldn’t stay mad. Right?

After finishing lunch they made their way outside and Nick kissed Ian bye as he was making his way back into the building and then says fuck it he needed to try and like do something, and tell Ian what he was feeling. Even though he wasn’t good at it.

“Wait, wait hey Ian!” Nick yells out to Ian softly.

“Yeah baby” Ian replies as he turns around to face Nick.

“There’s uh something I have to tell you that I need to tell you…uhhh “ Nick laughs and looks at Ian.

“Hmmm Something important okay” Ian teases him

“Yeah and a I never thought it would be” Nick says looking up at Ian trying hard to figure out what to say without making the man he has fallen in  love with run off.

“Okay you’ve got my attention” Ian says to Nick facing him directly and somewhat intrigued with what Nick was being so serious about now.

“I … I-I think.” Nick was shuddering and Nick didn’t do that. Fuck was this so hard to tell Ian.

“You think what?” Ian says to Nick

“Asshole will you shut the fuck up please okay and let me finish.” Nick tells Ian

Ian chuckles and smiles brightly at Nick as he’s is apparently flustered and shyly embraced, which is something Ian as never seen before.

“You know that thing that you said before” Nick says to Ian trying to make him remember because telling him he loved him in a different language he could do, Or when Ian was sleeps that’s fine with him, but right now in front of him! Fuck it was hard to admit it, because this feeling was new to Nick

“Oh yeah um, which shirt to wear with what pants and shoes, that thing?” Ian laughs and Nick just laughs with him

Nick huff in amusement “Asshole you know that thing”

“Hmm yeah no I don’t know that you’re talking about.” Ian says to him. He was amused at how his boyfriend was literally being shy in front of him. Something he has not seen in Nick since they met.

“Ugh you’re gonna make me say it aren’t you dick breath.  God I hate you.” Nick says to Ian

“No You don’t” Ian says now taking a risk.

“Yeah I don’t…..I think I’m falling in love with you” Nick says but he didn’t stop there “… I think I want spend the rest of my life with you and all that crap. I want us to move like you said and get a place of our own. I want to take the next step. I just...I fuckin  can’t say those 3 letter words yet, but Ian I…Fuck. Why can’t you just get what I’m saying and save me from embracing myself please.” Nick tells Ian, pleading with him to understand what he was saying to his tall red headed lover.

Ians’ smile couldn’t have gotten brighter but it did and he was smiling at Nick while saying “I love you too.”

“Yeah” Nick laughs again and then he face becomes serious. “An um there’s a few things I have to tell you about me when you come home tonight… I just hope that… that you won’t stop loving me.”

“Nick you don’t have tell me nothing okay. That is your past and I would love to spend the rest of my life with you okay. Babe (Ian now brought his hands to cup Nicks face and spoke to him) you don’t have to tell me nothing. We live in the present okay? The past is there for a reason.” Ian tells Nick holding his hand now and playing with his fingers

“Look I want to spend my life with you to and shit Ian .... Fuckin we can go downtown to the courts like a bunch of queens and get married, but I have to tell you everything. It’s only fare and right.” Nick says to Ian

“Was that a proposal babe?” Ian says teasingly. Something he loves to do. He likes it when Nick blushes red and gets flustered

“What? No no no I –I-I Just. Look okay asshole I have to talk to you and let you know a few things about me okay.” Nick says he hated when Ian did that to him, but he loved it to.

“Okay. Well how about we do it now? Let me go get my shit and me and you can go home and talk okay. But I’m telling you right now… Nothing’s going to stop me from loving you… you got that” Ian says to Nick and kisses him.

“Yeah tough guy.” Nick smiles “Go get your shit so we can go okay.”

Nick smiles as Ian goes into the building to get his bag so they can head back to the Gallagher house. That was when all of a sudden Colt was walking and sees Mickey standing alone smiling.

“Mickey?” Colt says to him from behind.

Nick turns around with a shock look on his face that becomes angry at the sight and hearing of Colt.

“Mickey, hey babe… Where have you been? Your brothers and sister have been trying to contact you.” Colt says to Mickey, but Colt notice how he was ignoring him.

Nick is walking away trying to cross the street, but stops and looks at Colt

“Hey look man um. I’ve been around. You know doing me and shit. So look. How we left shit and you know how we left things and ah you and me. Were done practically so let’s call it what it is you know.” Nick was tellings Colt hoping he didn’t notice that he wasn’t Mickey.

“What?! Your breaking up with me? Mick we had a fight what the fuck man. That doesn’t mean you disappear and then all of sudden break up with me. Why?” Cold says

“It’s the right thing for both of us. Plus we were both. I’m pretty sure we’re done” Nick tries to be polite, well Mickey polite anyways.

“No…you are fucking bugging that’s not fair. You go and you’re gone for Months okay Mick. Months! And I don’t see you or hear from you and now you’re officially telling me you want to end it? Plus your brothers and sister man they-“ Just then Colt was cut off

“Look okay me and you. We’re done from that day okay! If you don’t remember I can pleasantly refresh your fuckin memory okay. And you’re not listening to me aight. So listen nice and clearly you fucking jerk off. WE. ARE. Done. That’s it. So you can fuck off with another guy or whatever. I mean shit I’m surprise you still think we’re together it’s been what 5 months 6? And yet you’re still thinking we’re together.” Nick says snaps at Colt.

“Fuck that okay. You’re my boyfriend you can’t just not explain to me! That’s bullshit and your brother has been looking for you.” Colt says to Mickey

“I Don’t. Give. A flying fuck. You mean nothing to me honestly, so there goes your reason.” Nick tells Colt

“I love you Mickey.” Colt tells Mickey hoping he would get a response.

“Yeah but see I don’t fuckin give a shit and I don’t love you so… you know what fuck off!” Nick says and tries to walk away, but Colt stopped him.

“Listen you expect me to accept that and just not do anything or say anything. I tried to call you a thousand times to apologies for that night. I went to your job and you weren’t there” Colt demanded of Mickey to explain.

“Look I’m done okay. I have to go, and you’re lucky I aint beating the shit out of you okay.” Nick told Colt, he be damned if this fucker order him around. He wasn’t his keeper! Fuck that.

“No look at me damn it Mickey” Colt grabs Mickey and turns him around so he could look at him.

“Get off of me now, before I kick your ass.” Nick says in a deadly low voice to Colt.

“No Look at me and tell me Mickey. Tell me you don’t want me.” Colt says

Nick is looking away from Colt trying hard to get out of his hold, and his head is starting to hurt again. He’s getting weaker and its Mickey…Shit Mickeys trying to come back out! No he can’t let it happen.  He can’t, and he won’t let Mickey come out. He grabs his head and yells.

“Stop… fuck! Get away from me.! I DON’T FUCKING WANT YOU I HATE YOU AND YOU’RE THE MOST DISGUSTING WORTHLESS PIECE OF LAY I HAVE EVER HAD!” Nick shoves Colt away who was on the floor now. Nick turns around and starts to walk away, but then…

What Nick didn’t know was that Colt had called Collin and told him where he was before he even approached Mickey. So now Nick saw Collin pulling up in a car walking towards him. This was not good; if Ian saw Collin with him talking, it wouldn’t be good. Nick wanted to tell Ian everything in his own words at the right time and place. He wanted to do it in private, and tell him about Mickey living in him, but that he was real person and that Mickey was the weak. That Mickey was the one who needed him for everything. How he loves Ian and yeah he would tell him he love him and give him everything, and tell him everything if it meant not being around these fucking people and only being with Ian.

Nick had to think fast, so he started walking away faster away from the opposite way from Colt and away from Collin. He hoped to god he lost these fucking people now. But it was just his luck that Collin was faster than him.

“Mickey!” Collin yells from behind running to his brother. Nick tries hard to ignore the man behind him but came to stop when he hit a dead end and had no choice but to turn around and now look at him.

“Mickey what the fuck? Where have you been?” Collin asked

“Around. Why?” Nick says to Collin like he’s just another person on the street. A stranger basically

“What? What do you mean why? Mickey look I know what happen before a few month ago was bad okay. I get that but this is me your brother okay. Talk to him Mick.” Collin pleads to him

“Noooooo. I don’t want to talk to you or that dumb fuck that was across the street. Aight? Look and listen to me okay. I don’t want nothin to do with you or Mandy or Iggy. For all I care yah can go the fuck to hell okay. So just leave me alone. Shit pretend I don’t fucking exist okay.” Nick says to Collin coldly

“What? No Mickey seriously we need to talk. I know somethings up” Nick was walking again and just as he walks away Collin grabs his brother and turns him around.

“Look at me god damn it. It’s me it’s your brother, your best friend. Talk to me for fuck sacks. You can’t just fucking kick me out of your life for no reason. Mickey... Mickey look at me damn it!” Collin yells and his brother is trying to move away but then he puts his hands to his face and screams in pain.

Nick is in pain, hearing Collin talk to Mickey is making him feel weak. Why the fuck did Mickey have to love his siblings. They did nothing for Mickey; it was Nick who did everything. Who was there, who took control and who basically shelter Mickey from what he couldn’t handle. Fuck he can feel himself slipping away. But he had to fight for Ian. He wanted this life with him, all of it. Nick had to tell Ian he loves him and wants to be with him. Fuck Mickey and his old life. Nick needed to move on and have his life now. It was his turn. And then just like that…….

“Collin? Collin…what-where am I?  Where are we?” Mickey says to his older brother looking at him as if he was a child all over again. Collin held on to him and then looks at him again.

“Mickey?  Oh My God Mickey look at me. Are you okay?” Collin says checking to see if he was still with him.

“I-I don’t know… Where am I? I feel like I don’t know…I feel like I’m buzzed and I feel exhausted, and now a little scared because you looking at me weird and I don’t remember coming outside.” Mickey says looking around at where he and Collin are at. He was so confused now. “Collin what the fuck?” Mickey was babbling on and confused at this point.

“Mickey I have to take you home okay… Leah is there and we can talk okay. I need you trust me.” Collin says carefully to Mickey

“Collin what’s going on? Where the fuck are we? And why am I dressed in these clothes and is hot out here.” When Collin didn’t answer. Mickey asks him slowly and carefully hoping to god that what he was feeling was wrong. “Collin….What day is it?”

Collin looked at Mickey putting a small smile on his face. “Its May 8 th Mick. Its Tuesday. I haven't seen you since last year in September. You kind of left and fell off the earth. I tried to look for you but I got nothing Mickey.”

The color in Mickey’s face drained instantly. It was supposed to be September not May and of last year? What the fuck how did he blackout for about 9 months. Now he was getting flashes and images of events that he was remembering. New York? When did he go to New York? The red head person, he was a tall guy, but he was remembering things about him, but who the fuck was he.

“Collin how the fuck could have I black out for 9 months? Why?” Mickey told Collin nearly about to lose his shit.

“Hey. Hey don’t freak out okay. That’s why I’m here Mick. Leah is here too and she has one of her old colleagues with her. We’re going to explain everything and you’re going to see her so she can see what is really wrong with you okay. And why you are having all these blackouts okay. I just need you come with me okay.” Collin carefully tells his baby brother who was looking at him slightly frightening but seemed to understand Collin’s request.

Mickey Nodded and they made their way to Collin’s car and drove off. Mickey was having this weird feeling that things were about to get worse.

Just as Mickey left with Collin, Ian came out and was looking around for Nick but didn’t find him. He took his phone out and tried to call him, but it went straight to voicemail.  Ian had a weird feeling so he made his way home hoping Nick was already there.


	10. The Alter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has been edit for errors and grammar. If you guys see a mistake please let me know so I can fix it. Later xoxox 
> 
> So I know I haven't post in like a week. I've been busy with work and doing over time. But I managed to write this chapter and its long. I hope you guys like. As always let me know what you think leave your comments I love to read them and thank you so much for the kudos as well. Please note I did describe Mickeys mental illness and as the story goes on more will be added about his illness. 
> 
> In addition please not that the italic writing is of Nick not Mickey just in case anyone gets confused which I hope you done.

The drive to Collin’s apartment was quiet. Mickey was confused and slightly scared but he didn’t show it. He looked himself in the mirror and saw his reflection. He had an earring in his right ear, eyeliner on, his hair was weirdly spiked up and he looked just different. This wasn’t him, not this style anyways. Minutes later they were at Collins apartment and Mickey was in the living room with Leah, Collin, and Leah’s colleague.  They were all sitting down not saying a thing. Mickey was getting annoyed with the silences so he spoke.

“Okay, so what’s wrong with me?” Mickey says as he looks at Collin and Leah

“It’s not that simple Mickey” Leah’s replies to him.

“Okay so make it simple…. I black out for nearly 9 months, I have no idea where I have been or what I’ve been doing and right now I’m freaking the fuck out.” Mickey nearly yells at Leah, but she ignores it. She knows her brother in law is uncomfortable, upset, and very much confused with fear.

“Mr. Milkovich or can I call you Mickey?” Leah’s friend now said.

“Mickey.” Mickey replies to her now looking at her.

“Okay so from what Collin has told me and from what Leah has explained to me as well, there can be many things that can explain why you are experiencing these blackouts. But I need to know more.” Leah’s Colleague says

“I’m sorry who the hell are you anyway?” Mickey says annoyingly at the lady in front of him

“I’m Doctor Charlene Jimenez, I’m a psychologist.” The doctor tells Mickey who’s looking at her up and down suspiciously. He doesn’t know her and doesn’t trust her, but since she’s Leah’s friend he thinks he can.

“Well what do you want to know?” Mickey asked annoyed at this point.

“I want to know more about the blackouts, and what other things have happened to you recently that you can remember? Such as are you having delusions, hearing voices, seeing things? Anything of that sort can help me, so I can help you. I need to know what you’ve been experiencing and for how long.” Doctor Jimenez says to Mickey.

Mickey nods his head and looks away from her. He’s not so sure he wants to tell her everything or say anything, especially with Collin and Leah there with him. The doctor can see his hesitation and then asked if Mickey would like for Collin and Leah to leave, but he shakes his head no and then starts to explain to her what has been going on.

“Mickey, I know what I’m about to ask you, you may think it’s weird but trust me okay, it’s not. And whatever you tell me trust me, I won’t think anything of it. Okay?” The doctor tells him.

“Okay” Mickey say in such a small voice. He feels well he doesn’t know what to feel right now.

“I guess it started a while ago... Sometimes I would wake up really tired, even when I would go to sleep early. Sometimes I would black out and I would be in my boyfriend’s room lying down then next to him, then the next thing I know it I’m in my apartment painting or doing random shit…... Um this one time I was with Mandy and we were speaking to one another but then I wouldn’t remember what we would talk about or how I went from talking to my sister to not remember going to bed or her even leaving...Sometimes I would hear a voice but I don’t know….. I just……” Mickey trailed off not saying anything more.

“Has anyone ever come up to you, like strangers saying thing such as that they know you or recognize you and even call you by another name? Or do you sometimes feel unreal like you’re more than one person?” Doctor Jimenez asked Mickey.

“This one time um... It happened more than once but I would remember starting to have sex or wanting to have sex with my boyfriend and then all of a sudden... I wouldn’t remember us doing anything. Like I wasn’t me! And yeah it felt unreal but I know we did it because of obvious reasons but I honestly would not remember anything. This, uh… Apparently when I disappeared for a few days, this happened like sometime last year like a few months ago really…. My brothers and sister went to go look for me. They end up tracking me by my information on my cards and it had been used at a hotel. But I never went to that hotel. I tried to tell Collin a few times but he said that they saw me there and there were video cameras and the statements on my credits and debt showed I was there! They knew me by my last name and that apparently I was there that night with someone. But they didn’t call me by my first name. I don’t think they knew my name or something, but they knew me as Mr. Milkovich.” The room was still silent and the doctor was writing things down on her notebook so Mickey continued.

“I don’t remember any of that, none, the weird ass purchases on my debit card and bank statement I didn’t do them. So I decided to go to the hotel and see for myself that maybe someone stole my information or what the fuck ever and they knew me by Mr. Milkovich. The girl at the front desk, she knew me and recognized me and asked me were my friend was. Apparently I had been going there for months and spending a ridiculous amount of money in this hotel in this room with someone I don’t know… And before you ask, no I didn’t pay attention to my account so much, I pay my bills on automatic every month so I didn’t think anything of it… And ah I’ve painted a redheaded guy; sometimes I get images of him like flashes of memories of him. He’s tall green eyes beautiful smile, but I don’t know him.” Mickey says to the doctor.

“Has there been more than one blacked out that you cannot recall your actions or how you were from one place to another?” Doctor Jimenez says as she writes down her notes and looks at Mickey.

“The last time I talked to Mandy I was freaking out about how I was at Colts, and then all of a sudden I’m painting a fucking picture of this guy in my studio. I showed it to her and honestly I didn’t know I can paint that way or at all.  I always bought the stuff and shit but never painted, it was like something told me to buy it but I never did anything with it…I always wanted to but I just didn’t have the time, same thing with the music sometimes I do it and I don’t know...I don’t know why I just felt like I needed it and always needed to buy those things…. Anyway the next thing I remember is waking up in bed tired and just exhausted like I’ve been out all night. I don’t know.” Mickey stopped talking and was just sitting down staring at the floor. He didn’t want say anything about the last thing he remembered. But he figured he had no choice now.

Mickey sighs and continues talking “The last thing I remember was when Colt came in said he saw me at the club with someone, and accused me of cheating. I told him I was home that he can even call Mandy, that she can tell him I was home and he blew up….He ah...He was ah….Another time was a while ago. I was with Colt we were fighting he was…. He was um... And the Next thing I remember I’m looking at Collin talking to him and he was like yelling at me to look at him…..”  Mickey was now uncomfortable with reliving what Colt had did to him or was trying to do to him at the time. He remembers Colt being aggressive and downright hateful when he was drunk.

The doctor saw how Mickey started to shut down, as if he didn’t want to talk about it, but she pressed on.

“Any more other black outs you can remember?” The doctor asked

“Yeah, Um sometimes I would forget where I placed things, or sometimes I would be watching TV then all of a sudden I’m in my room sleeping. This one time I was at work, and I was working on a car, but then next thing I know it I was making out with some guy in the back alley. And when I pushed him away he looked at me confused and he called me by a name but I didn’t remember it I just left and ran back to the garage. By the time I get to the job it was closed and it was like my whole day was taken from me.” Mickey said and glanced over at Collin who was looking down at the floor. Mickey had never told anyone that, he didn’t even tell Mandy. He figured she thought he was crazy or just over worked like she always said he was. That happened when him and Colt where a year into their relationship.

“What about Colt? You said you were fighting with him and then you blackout. What happened that you black out or can you tell me what he said or did to you that caused you to blackout?”  Doctor pressed the subject, and Mickey just looks away.

“I remember he was drunk and aggressive. Really fucking aggressive…… and I can’t remember what happened next.” Mickey looks down at his hands on his lap. He was ashamed that he couldn’t even remember if Colt forced himself on him or if he stopped him. But he didn’t want to think of that right now.

Doctor Jimenez senses the tense and change in Mickeys’ mood; so she did the best thing she knew how to do. What she did to all her clients; she let him know it was alright and tried to change the subject, but stay on the subject of his mental state as well.

“It’s okay Mickey… Here’s another question okay?  Have you ever been accused of lying before but you were telling the truth? For examples someone saying you did something or said something but you can’t recall or don’t remember doing or saying anything of that sort?”

“yeah…..He was drunk. Colt, and uh he kept on saying shit that I did, that I was out and it was all kind of a blurry to me.  He said I cheated on him and that I was with some guy. There was this one time at work another time (Mickey says and sits up straight now) that one of the workers said I was hitting on him. Asked me when we were going to hook up again, but I don’t remember anything and he called me a tease and then quit...Another time I ah, it was Colt. We got into a fight about us going to his parent’s house. He said that I said I wasn’t going, but then I asked him when did I say that to him because I didn’t remember saying that. He said I was just fucking with him and for me to cut the shit out. I’m telling you didn’t tell him I wouldn’t go. He went without me but I wanted to go.” Mickey continued on telling the doctor about a few times Mandy and Iggy said that he said something to them and Mickey apologized because he didn’t remember getting into fights with them, or even saying half the shit they said he said to them.

The doctor nods her head and is writing in her note book. She then looks up at Mickey and asks him a few more questions. “You mention you get headaches; when you do get these headaches how bad are they? And how do you feel when you start to have them?”

“Sometimes I get them really bad… like really, really bad headaches, that’s when I end up not like…shit sometimes I feel like…like I’m drifting away, or slipping away. There was a few time I did hear a voice. Like it was mines, but like telling me to say shit or do shit and talking to me; but I figured that maybe it was me being I don’t know, trying to boost myself up. But then…” Mickey trails off and he looks down to the ground. He doesn’t want to sound like a crazy person, but he wants to know what is wrong with him.  But how can he tell them what he saw a few times. Would they lock him up? Does he deserve to be lock up? 

“What is Mickey you can tell me? If you want I can ask Leah and Collin to leave. Trust me I have heard it all, no matter what you tell me I am not going to look at you any other way okay.” Doctor Jimenez says

“I….I-I…I saw myself in the mirror but it wasn’t me. Like…It was me, but it didn’t look like me or sound like me. The guy I was looking at he looked like different. His smile was like…I don’t know how to explain it. I wasn’t smiling in the mirror but he was. He even motions for me to shhh and put his fingers to his mouth to motion it. He waved at me a few times like he was taunting me. He looked different and everything, I mean everything. I didn’t say anything because I was freaked out and because I didn’t want to bother anyone with this. I figured I can handle this on my own.” Mickey says with his eyes widen and glassy and tries hard to blink back tears. This wasn’t him and he was afraid of being locked up away in a nut house or even worse, he was afraid to find out something was wrong with him.

“Mickey when you get your headaches or see this person in the mirror or any reflection does he say anything to you. Or have you talked to him back?” The Doctor says as she leans back against the chair and is taking down notes

“Once I did and I thought I was going crazy when he answered me back and then I said shut up and he was gone.” Mickey told the doctor who nodded her head and was now looking over something on the computer putting in information at the same time. She looks over the computer at Mickey and smiled softly at him.

“What events happen that lead him to say something to you? And what did he say if you can remember?” Doctor says looking at Mickey and lowering her laptop screen down.

“Umm Colt…he uh. He got drunk one night. He was upset about work or some shit and we got into it. He tried to hit me, but I block him, and shoved him away. Then the voice said ‘Really? You’re gonna let him get away with that Mickey? Guess I’m gonna have to take care of him.’ Then the next thing I remember Colt was cursing at me, holding his bloody nose saying I was crazy. But I honestly don’t remember hitting him, or anything. I remember getting a headache, and I felt like I wanted to ripe my eyes out, because it hurt so much... Another time I was watching a moving and all of sudden my head started to hurt. I can’t even remember what the movie was about. The next thing I knew I was in bed and the alarm was going off for me to get ready for my morning routine.” Mickey says to the doctor

“Okay” was all she said as she continues to write and look threw her lap top putting the information she gathered from Mickey. She then looks at Mickey and asks him another question. “Mickey do you remember anything at all from your childhood? Like from when you were 4 or 5 years and older?”

Mickey looks at her oddly and shakes his head no.

“So you can’t remember anything? Nothing that happened to you or even flashes of things as a child?” the doctor asks. Something about the question left Mickey uneased and he felt like she wanted to ask something but didn’t flat out ask him. But there were some memories he did remember so he told her. After all she was here trying to help me… right?

“Terry hitting me. I remember that, but I don’t remember much…. Actually nothing really. Some piece of Terry being a dick and feeding me whenever he wanted and me asking Mandy to cook for me something or Iggy…... I remember a lot of that, but sometimes I would have bruises on my body, but Terry would tell me I was just a clumpy kid and just beat me some more. But even then I don’t remember the beatings so much. I just knew that I got some bruises from him and would sometimes find myself in the bathroom crying without remembering how I got there.” Mickey says, and then he was starting to get a slight headache again. But this time the doctor notice.

“Mickey are you okay?” Dr. Jimenez asked him

“No, my head…it hurts a little. I guess I’m just tired.” Mickey responds back to her

The doctor seemed unconvinced but nodded her head.  She was looking at all the information in front of her. She was looking at the police files that were on her computer, the information taken from Mickey and she knew Mickey wasn’t giving her a lot of information because he didn’t trust her yet. But it was enough for now.  The doctor notion for Leah and Collin to follow her to the other room, which made Mickey become uneasy and uncomfortable.

While in the other room Mickey was sitting in the chair rubbing his head to make the headache go away as Leah, Collin and Charlene talked.

“Okay so from my experience this mental disorder is rare in people, but from the police files and the tapes I’ve seen that I got from them the Captain and reading his old medical files and doing my own evaluations. Your brother most likely has multiple personality disorder also known as D.I.D. Dissociative Identity Disorder.” The doctor says just as Collin cut her off

“Wait what? D.I.D what is that exactly? Are you saying he’s like crazy or something?” Collin says and is confused

“Hunny, no. Dissociative Identity disorder is a mental illness that characterizes by the presence of at least two different alters. Some people have been known to have more than two even up to 20 or more. It’s caused from the different states of emotions and body function. His memory loss, and the memory lapses, blackout, him being accused of lying sometimes, and other things such as him feeling unlike himself. Everything he has described, even as a child when he called himself another name all points to multiply personality disorder. That is known as D.I.D. This usually occurs in children and adults who have been through traumatic experiences.  In this case for Mickey, we know what happened to him years ago, but his mind split into two people so he didn’t have to face that. Meaning his mind somehow prevented him from experiencing those feelings and physical abuse.” Leah told Collin as Charlene nodded her head and then spoke 

“Leah’s right Collin. The early childhood trauma such as what Mickey faced over and over again, over the years that led to this possible disorder. He detached himself from reality, meaning his alter took in what happened because he wasn’t able to…Look, The only thing is, I can’t be so sure unless he has an episode and his alter emerges. Which even then the alter can take control of Mickey and we may or may not see him for a while. In this case like this. It can be hard. Sometimes people lose up to 6 month or more of their memory, and before you ask, yes this disorder is hard to diagnose to a certain extent. But unless I try a method or a plan of action such as hypnosis, or a form of psychotherapy to bring out the alter; that will be the only way we can know for sure... If not and he is not suffering from this mental disorder, then he can be suffering from another disorder which can be schizophrenia or Borderline personality disorder.” Doctor Jimenez tells Collin and Leah

After a few moments of silence Doctor Jimenez spoke again.

“He needs to know what happened to him all those years ago. There is something not on these tapes; tapes that he is hiding inside. If he is experiencing D.I.D, then his alter is protecting him. But he’s also trying to gain control if Mickey is losing gabs of time and not remembering at all.  Mickey doesn’t know what happened to him as a child and you keeping him from that… well let’s just say he’s not going to be happy. Plus integrating him with an alter will take time. This just can’t go away with simply therapy and medication.” The Doctor says to Collin and Leah

“So if we tell him then what? Why don’t we tell him so he can get better” Collin says to them.

“Babe it’s not that easy.” Leah tells’ Collin.

“Leah is right. Telling Mickey right now can lead him to spiral down, and if his alter knows this. There is no telling what will happen. We do have to tell him, but he needs to be able to face what has happened to him. That might be harder than anything. His alter can emerge and the Mickey you know can be lost. The mind is a powerful tool, and Mickey mental state is fragile.  If we do this we have to do it right and be as sensitive as possible and be very careful.” Doctor Charlene says to Collin

Just as Collin, Leah and Doctor Charlene were talking Mickey was getting headache and this time it was getting worse, but this time it was different.

_ “So Mickey…..hmmm you think you can keep me away. You are soooo out of your fucking mind. Oh wait you are.” _  Nick laughs and Mickey is looking at his reflection in the mirror. Only this time his reflection looks nothing like him. He had taken off the eyeliner, brushed his hair back and removed the earring from his ear. He even changed his clothes.

“Who the fuck are you?” Mickey asked looking in the mirror at his reflection

“ _ Well since you asked so nicely, I guess I can tell you who I am and all….I’m Nick.  You know the better part of you. The one who has fun, takes chances, lives life like it’s our last! Shit I’m the most realest one of us, you…well you honestly are just a waste of space to be honest.” _ Nick says to Mickey.

“Fuck you! You don’t know me, get out of my head@” Mickey hisses back at Nick and is touching his head because now his headache was getting worse.

“ _Yeah okay! I know all about you Mickey, and much, much more. And me and you yeah….._ _Sorry no can do asshole. We are one of a kind Mick, me and you.  And since you know I’m here, it’s about that time to have some fun again. What’d you say? Huh? Let me out Mickey! Let the big boys handle this. You didn’t think I didn’t know you were talking to a fucking doctor right. What you gonna try and get rid of me? Fuck that shit! I’ve done too much for too long and taken all your shit. It’s my turn to live and your turn to sleep.”_ Nick says to Mickey with angry in his voice.

Just as Nick was talking to Mickey, Leah and Doctor Charlene saw Mickey’s whole interaction. Dr. Charlene looks at Collin who nodded his head back at her.  Mickey was rubbing his temple and trying so bad to wish the headache away, that was when Leah came to him and asked him what was wrong. Mickey looks at her frighten, but his brother knew he was trying to play it cool.

“I heard him again…I was talking to him.” Mickey says

“Talking to whom?” Collin asked

Mickey points to his head now and speaks at the same time “This voice in my head, he’s fucking crazy! I started to get another headache and then I look in the mirror and there he was just fucking talking to me like nothing.”

“What his name?”  The doctor asked

“He said his name was Nick, and that he knows all about me.” Mickey said looking at her dead in her eyes trying to search to see if she knew anything she could tell him to help him.

“ _ You asshole you told them about me? Oh yeah, you are sooo fucking getting it now _ ” Nick says to Mickey who was now grabbing his head in pain yelling for Nick to go away.

“Mickey look at me tell me what wrong?” Doctor Jimenez asked

“My head it hurts again and it’s getting worse” He tells her while he’s grabbing his head

“Okay how about we take a break alight?  Also I’m just going to take your temperature and heart rate and check your eyes okay, regular thing I have to do.” The doctor tells Mickey

Mickey nods his head in response. The doctor first takes the light in her pen and shines it in Mickey’s eyes, and then it gets black. Doctor Jimenez steps away from Mickey and goes over to her notes and writes something down. Mickey looks up at the mirror and waves hello, and laughs as the other image was yelling at him. He walks towards the table and takes the earring from the table and put it on. He went over to the mirror and takes the eyeliner in his hand and started to do his eyes like Nick always did.  See it looks like Mickey at first, but this time it wasn’t. He tried to fix his hair the way he likes it, but it wasn’t coming out right. As he turned around he saw his audience and smiles at them.

He began to sit down at the seat they were at and waited patiently, which something Nick did not do. His change in his demeanor did not go unnoticed.  Doctor Jimenez went to Mickey and starts to examine him once more.

He nods in amusements and titles his head at her. Doctor Jimenez goes and checks on Mickey again. She then notices his eyes were dilated and slightly bluer than before. She then asked him to do something that not even Leah understood why.

“Can you write your name for me please? I need to make sure your motor skills are okay, so that I can rule that out, and I’m going to set up this IQ test as well. Being that your experience a mental break down I need to make sure your mind is not too far off okay?” The doctor looks at Mickey for a response or any form of emotional action.

“ **Okay** ” Is all he says and picks up the pen with his left hand and starts to write.

He takes about less than 15 minutes on the test and it does not go unnoticed that he’s using his left hand to write. Leah looks at Collin and raises her eyebrows to him, Collin hadn’t seems to notice until Mickey was playing with the pen and writing on a piece of paper after he’s done with the test. The thing is that Mickey isn’t a lefty, he’s a righty. He wrote with his right, and threw a mean hook with his right hand too.

Doctor Jimenez took the test from Mickey and looks it over. She asked Leah to recheck the answer to make sure she was not looking at the results wrong. See Mickey’s IQ score she took before evaluating him was 116, but now looking at these results; his IQ score changed from 116 to 149. Doctor Jimenez looks over at Mickey and he smiles at her. She wasn’t stupid and knew something was different about this Mickey.

“Okay… (She nods her head looking at the test score) so, your score is incredible.  Did you know that?” The Dr. Jimenez said more to Mickey then asking him

_ “Nah don’t care really _ .” Nick says

“Yes I can tell. So tell me…..” she waits then continues to ask Mickey “What is your name?” Doctor Jimenez says

He smirked at her and then chuckled lightly. “ _ Well seeing as I past your test you should know what my name is…don’t cha Doc. I did after all put it on the test _ .” Nick says to the doctor. He’s glaring at her now but still has a smirk on his face. He’s focused on her; the one person that most likely is threatening his life in so many forms.

“Nick” Dr. Jimenez says

“ _ Hmmm Oh NO I’m Mickey. See _ ” He said as he pointed to a smile on his face that then fell down and turns into a smug look.

“So why? Where is Mickey?” The Dr. Jimenez says to Nick

“ _ He’s gone, vanished, vamoose, disappeared _ ” Nick says while making hand movements and continues on “ _ see he wasn’t supposed to tell no one about me, but then he decided to be a bitch and talk shit! And yah know? We had a good thing going. Till you came in with all your questions and shit.” _ Nick snaps at Doctor Jimenez not paying attention to Leah or Collin.

“Well it seems like we have a problem, because you know you’re not real? Your part of Mickey, not your own person; you two are one just different for many reason.” Doctor Jimenez says carefully to Nick

_ “No, see this is where you are wrong bitch. I’m real; see I’m talkin to yah right, sittin here right _ ?” Nick tells her

“You’re an alter made up, Nick” She tells him

Nick laughs “ _ And you’re a slut, whose marriage went to shit because you either couldn’t keep on your pants or your husband couldn’t keep it in his pants.” _ The doctor is shocked by Nick’s words and then he continues to talk. “ _ Aww did I hurt your feelings? I don’t give a fuck. And I bet you're wondering how I know… Easy your ring finger is tanned which means you either divorced him or he divorced you.” _

“No actually he passed away” She expresses to him.

“ _ Well shit! Looks like he’s got the good end of the fucking deal, being married to you.” _ Nick says to her with no shame or care for the doctors’ feelings.

“That won’t work on me Nick. Now just please tell us Why did Mickey create you?” Dr. Jimenez asked Nick

“ _ Well that’s for me to know and you not to fucking find out ain’t it _ .” Nick says to them all in the room

“We know about Mickey being a victim of child abuse, both physical and sexual. As soon as I confirmed you’re an alter I will be able to help Mickey.”  Dr. Jimenez now says.

“ _ Ooooh! See you know what Doc. That’s the problem. You don’t know everything. You dumb fucks might know about what went down, but then again you have to ask yourself this one little question….Where you even there? Better yet do you think it was all recorded?  I’m not stupid, I know what you need, and none of you dumb fucks will get it!  And you will be amazed at what the fuck I know happened to us. So I suggest you can go fuck yourself.  Your help is invalid and you threatening me ain’t gonna work bitch _ .” Nick was pissed. “ _ What!? You think, tellin Mickey would be like uh, eye open or some shit? I mean you kept it from him all those years ago right.” _ Nick says looking at Collin now.

“ _ What do you think he will do or even think? Huh! Plus how are you so sure I’m not the real person here and he’s the alter.  See I can make Mickey disappear and watch me because he will be buried so far, so deep, that you will never ever fucking see him or hear him again!” _ Nick yells at Collin

Apart of Collin heart sank down and he was now upset. The Milkovich siblings were known for many things, but if you threaten one of their own it was hell to pay. Nick was Mickey and he was a Milkovich, but Collin was not having any of that. So Collin did what he was good at as well. He fought back.

Collin landed a punch to Mickey/Nick face and the boys were wrestling on the floor as both woman yelled at them. Collin swung another right hook at Nick and Nick dodge the hit leaving Collin open. So Nick took advantage and kneed Collin in the stomach and again in the balls. Collin went down, but not before he dragged his brother down. In the mist of all the fighting, Collin was yelling at Nick about how he would kill him if he buried Mickey away. And Nick was just laughing in response to the outburst of yells.

The thing about being married to a doctor is that Leah knew how to stop them from killing each other. So she simply walked over to both men and went towards where Nick was at and applied a full force pressure point on his forearm/crevice from behind him.  This was a tricky one, but Leah of all people knew how to apply it. Suddenly Nick arm tensed up and he was in pain. It was one hell of a pressure point and then she pushed Collin off of Nick so that he could stop assaulting his brother.

“What the fuck Collin? You aren’t supposed to hit him! We’re supposed to talk, you asshole.” Leah yells at her husband, she was pissed off about the fighting as well.

Collin grunted in his response and looked down at his brother who was just smiling and laughing at him. This guy was not his brother, this was not Mickey. He needed to remember that.

“Mickey” Leah said but more like asked while looking at Mickey.

“ _ That’s not my fuckin name stop call me that!” _ Nick hisses out as he stood up looking at the other two people in the room.

“Nick, I need you to sit down, we just need to talk.” Doctor Jimenez says

“ _ Like fucking hell I’m talking! I’m outta here bitch.” _ Just then as Nick made his way towards the door Doctor Jimenez spoke fast.

“On the count of 3 Mickey I need you wake Up 1,2,3!” and she snapped her fingers as she said this.  That was when Mickey stopped in his tracks blinking a few times and turns around to face his brother, sister in law and his new doctor per say.

“Mickey are you okay?” Dr. Jimenez asked him

“Yeah I think so.” Mickey says confusingly.

“Do you remember what just happened just now Mickey? Any of it” Dr. Jimenez asked

“Yeah…but not much. It was like I was looking at a TV show but I couldn’t do anything. Like, I was seeing myself from the inside out.” Mickey said trying to register what happened. He’s trying to think over and over again about the events that were replaying in his head.

“Do you remember anything of what Nick said” Dr. Jimenez asked

“Some of it… not all…it’s like I was seeing him talking but some of it wasn’t registering in my head. I kept yelling for him to stop when he was fighting Collin and I was yelling for him to stop talking. Nothing worked.”  Mickey says his voice was low and he was scared you can tell, but he didn’t show it much. “I don’t even remember how the fight between him and Collin started.”

“What did you do to him?” Collin asked

“Hypnosis.” Dr. Jimenez simply says at first then continues on speaking “When I went to check his vitals I put him under to see if I can bring out his alter, if he had one. And well now I know he does have one. And this one packs a mean punch.” Dr. Jimenez said

Just as Collin was about to ask another question Mickey cut him off. “So what is wrong with me? What the fuck is an alter and why do I have it?” Mickey looking at everyone all at once moving from Collin to Leah, to Charlene to Collin again frantically in order to try and process what was going on.

“Mickey…I think. No, more like I know why the reasons you’re experiencing your headaches, and blackout and random hallucination or delusions and memory loss. It’s because you have Multiple Personality Disorder, also known as D.I.D, Dissociative Identity Disorder.” Dr. Jimenez says to him

Mickey is looking at her like she has 3 fucking heads and his speechless. ‘I can’t be a crazy person’ he thinks to himself. ‘I’m not crazy! I can’t be…right?’ It takes him a minute to come up with the right words as he is still processing what was told to him and what he experienced. He repeats the words over and over again in his head ‘Dissociative identity disorder, dissociative Identity disorder, dissociative identity disorder.’  God was he fucked.

“So…you’re saying I’m like some kind of… I don’t know mental case head?!” Mickey says shocked and alert more than he was.

“No Mickey that’s not what we’re saying, it’s just you have a mental disorder which can be treated over time. I can treat you with psychotherapy, hypnosis if you like and there are medications but that will come later if you need it.” Dr. Jimenez expresses clearly to him, for him to understand.

“Okay so what is this Dissociative disorder type shit? You think I have it because I have a what an alter? Why would have one?” Mickey asked looking at the doctor dead in her eyes waiting for an explanation of some sort.

“Mickey Dissociative Identity disorder occurs in individuals that we know of who have experienced a traumatic effect in his or her life. Dissociative identity disorder involves sufferer experiencing at that when a person experience two or more personality states just like you experience a few moments ago. You guys are two different, distinctly different people.  Your blood pressure and heart rate was different when I exam you the first time. And then when I did the exam again when you were Nick, his blood pressure was slightly up and different. Nick appears to be left handed, you’re right handed. His IQ score was on a massive scale and yours was as well, but nowhere near his. How D.I.D happens can be caused from a few things. Most people with this disorder experience it because of a stressful event that occurs from an action or an event that is happening. It causes your alter to come out. Individuals such as yourself stress your mind and it splits. This sometimes will occur when a person is terribly abused as a young child or an adult. This happens from tremendous trauma within a person's’ history.” Dr, Jimenez says to Mickey who looks more confused now than he did before.

When Mickey didn’t speak or say anything, Dr. Jimenez decided to continue on talking and explaining the best way she could to Mickey. She had to be very careful at how she word what she was saying. Mickey knew nothing of his past. One slip up can have a very bad effect on his mind “Your memories are the key here Mickey. Even though there has been no proven specific cause of D.I.D, the theory about how this condition develops is from childhood trauma which we keep coming back to. That's why I asked you about your childhood earlier before I put you under.  The traumatic experience you had as a child can be anywhere from Collin leaving to go to school, or your father hitting you. Something your brother or sister did or said to you. But the abuse of both physical and mental in some cases, are the more likely causes for his disorder.” Dr. Jimenez informs Mickey

“What do you mean by abuses? I mean there’s a lot of different form of abuse, but I don’t remember any of that okay. I don’t even know what my childhood was before Collin came and got us.” Mickey says to Dr. Jimenez

“By abuse I mean physical, mental or even sexual assault are such things like that Mickey. Things you might not remember now. The person who did this to you can very well be a cause for your split personality. Even seeing them or hearing their name, can cause you to become Nick. We have to find out why Nick appeared and why you created him.” Dr. Jimenez expresses to Mickey

“Okay so how do we find out why Nick is in here?” Mickey motion to his head

“Integration is how, but it’s not that simple. Your alter; he’s strong and he protects you, but also wants to be free as well. I know it sounds weird as fuck but it’s the only way I can put into term that you may understand best. Also when you integrate you will be one not two. So some things he does you will do, you will know, you will know his memories his feelings and everything.” The doctor told Mickey but also was informing Collin and Leah as well.

“I just want my life back.” Mickey expresses not caring anymore. He wanted to be who he was or at least who he thought he was.

“Mickey it takes time and even then you have to know why and what was your reason for creating Nick. You have to be patient with that. From the way I view it, Nick is more like the person who protects you. You must have created him for a reason you’re not able to face yet. Plus you’re somewhat of a danger to others, not yourself but clearly when you are Nick he want nothing to do with your family and is violent from what I saw.”  Dr. Jimenez says

Mickey head was spinning and he was becoming nauseas. He was remembering things he didn’t do. Things Nick did.

“You want to put me in some sort of psych ward don’t you?” Mickey asked

“No Mickey. I want to take you to the hospital and help you. I have clearance here and so does Leah, so you will have family here.”  Dr. Jimenez tells Mickey, but all he could think about was being locked up and against his will. All this was so unreal. It’s like this couldn’t be happening to him. He was wishing someone would wake him up from a bad dream. All this information was hard to processes

“How does this work? Do I like volunteer to go in to the hospital or what?” Mickey asked.

“Yeah, we need you to sign some papers so you can admit yourself.” Dr. Jimenez said to Mickey as well as directed her response to Collin.

“For how long?” Mickey asked  

“How long what? How long you’ll be in there.” The Dr. Jimenez says looking at Mickey waiting for a response

“Yeah” Mickey simply said

“Honestly Mickey it’s up to you. It’s up to you how fast we start treatment and what we do.  Your mind like everyone else; is fragile and taking on too much information all at once can result in a negative effect.” Dr. Jimenez says

“I don’t want Iggy or Mandy to know…. I can’t have them know this, not yet, not till I’m okay.  And don’t tell Colt, I don’t want him to know either. This stays between us, no one knows. If I have to be in there for a while I don’t want no one to know and I want to tell them when the time is right.” Mickey said and he looks at Collin who nods his head in agreement. 

After the conversation took place; Mickey, Collin, Leah and Dr. Jimenez drove to Mercy Medical Hospital. The drive was quiet and Mickey was thankful for it. When he got to the desk and all the paperwork was filed up he signed his name for voluntary check in, into the mental health facility.  He looked back at his brother who came up to him and hugged him and told him he was sorry. Mickey looked so lost but he held his brother tightly. He walked in the back room with Dr. Jimenez who reassured him that everything would be okay.  The walk to his new room seemed like forever, it was a classic room 4 wall room, not white but an off egg white color. A bed which he was thankful for and he was by himself; there was a desk at the corner of the room with a notebook on top of it. There was a TV on the wall to his left of his room.  There was a dresser next across from his bed, with a big mirror. The room was big size it had an extra bean bag chair, the window to the room were big but locked, for obvious reasons of course.

So this was Mickey life for how long it would take him to get better. The only thing was; was that Nick had other plans. He just needed to wait until Mickey would slip. Yet Mickey had no idea.

*********************************************************************************

Four days had passed since Mickey had checked himself in. He was having his therapy sessions with Dr. Jimenez, and sometimes he would stay quiet to himself until later on within the day.  Dr. Jimenez would come around again to try another session with Mickey.  Mickey was distant; over the three days he was there he was remembering things he himself never did. He was remembering things of what Nick did. He wasn’t remembering everything, just things that he assumed Nick let him remember. Like the random hookups he had with guys, or the drugs he took while he was Nick or Nick was him…it was still too confusing. He remembers Nick would have sex for money and how he would go behind the back alley in boys town with random guys for a fuck. He hated these images, these memories because as much as Mickey wanted to hate Nick he envied him more. Here was this guy, who was out doing what he wanted, being carefree, having no responsibilities and all because Mickey created him. What the actual fuck? This guy had no shames, had no remorse. Mickey doubted he could even feel love, sadness, pain, or any other emotions. Nick wasn’t real, but Nick was apart of Mickey and he hated that.

A few times Nick tried to talk to him telling him how he ruined everything and how he couldn’t handle real shit as he said. Ever since Mickey had checked himself into the hospital, every night he was given sleeping pills to go to sleep. It was hard for him to sleep and Nick being one who might emerge when he was sleeping was something Mickey didn’t want. Except this night would be different.

“Here you go Mickey” the nurse says as she past Mickey his pills and waited for him to take them.  

“Thanks” Was all Mickey said as he took the pills and drank the water from the cup.

The Nurse was making her way out when Mickey told her to remember to lock the door. She smiled and nodded her head. Mickey had become paranoid. His first Night in the room Nick was upset and Mickey kept getting headaches over and over again. But Mickey refused to let Nick over power him. As the nurse left Mickey laid in his bed looking up at the sealing and tried to drift off to sleep.

_ “Miiiiickey… Oh Miiiickey….. Come on don’t ignore me, I hate it when you do that.”  _ Nick says and Mickey got up from his bed and looks at the mirror across from him. There was Nick smiling at him and laughing at him. He was taunting Mickey just like the night before.  __

“Oh my god this can’t be happening?” Mickey says tiredly

“ _ Hey! Mick! This is dream stupid…Here’s what we gonna do. Ima tell you what I want and you’re gonna do them.” _ Nick says to Mickey smiling

“No! This is my body not yours okay. You need me just as much as I need me okay. I won’t let you hurt the people I love. And you’re going to do what I say you got that” Mickey says to Nick

“ _ The people you love? Ha! Yeah okay. Plus how are you gonna make me do whatever you say. I mean shit you haven’t been able to since, oh well I don’t know? Hmmmm FOREVER! Give me a fuckin break.” _ Nick spat at Mickey

“That’s why I’m going to get control back! And why I lock myself up, so that you can’t do anything to anyone else. I mean come the fuck on. You were sleeping with random guys and fucking everything in sight! Doing whatever drugs you wanted, you fucking poised my body.  You can’t do that anymore to me!”

“ _ Please.  Who the flyin fuck do you think you are? Without me Mick, you wouldn’t be able to survive and you know it _ .” Nick takes a step closer to Mickey in his dreams and eyes him ready for a fight and continues on speaking  “ _ I will bury you so deep that no one, not even your precious brothers and sister will be able to get you back!  I mean really what are you gonna do huh? Try and keep me locked up! Nah, not happenin! Even if you check yourself into this shitty ass psych ward, with your shitty ass doctor friend lady, who by the way can suck my dick, what makes you think I can’t get past that?” Nick says to Mickey smiling and tilting his head to the side. _

“Look you’re not going to hurt no one again you got that? Not me, not Collin, not Iggy, or Mandy. I remember what you told her, what you said to her. How the fuck could you do that to her!” Mickey says to Nick with an upset tone. Mandy was his older sister but she was his rock and to hurt her was like War world 3 for Mickey. Last guy that even hurt Mandy, let just say he doesn’t live in Chicago anymore.

“ _ What?  Mandy? Please. I barely did anything to her. If I wanted to, she would hurt way more than you can imagine. So what, I said something to her that hurt her; who gives a fuck. Shit she wouldn’t even want to look at us when I’m done with her. Collin can go fuck himself and I can give two fucks what happens to him. He’s nothing but a worthless piece of shit, all he knows how to do is leave! He always has Mick.  Iggy… well Iggy just stays quiet, never saying a word and that’s his fucking problem! So if I want to fuck with them to get them out of our lives then so be it. There nothing, but a waste of space of air. And Colt? Please that asshole had it coming and you know it! He almost forced himself on you and guess who you called? Huh! ME! That’s right. Me, you can’t handle the truth Mick _ !” Nick spat back out to Mickey

“Why… why are you doing this?” Mickey says to Nick dejectedly

“ _ Because it’s fun and I like to have fun _ .” Nick says

“It’s fun!” Mickey nearly yells out at Nick “Are you fucking kidding me, it’s fun! It’s fun to go and attack the people I care about and, and, and that guy out there! The guy who you’ve been sleeping with! You’re making him fall for you and how the fuck is that right? Huh tell me! What the fuck is wrong with you and don’t think I don’t about that guy, because I do. I see him in my dreams sometimes and I remember things about him. How the fuck is that right? Huh! Tell me!” Mickey screams at Nick but Nick seems unfazed by his screaming.

Nick sucks his teeth and shakes his head smiling at Mickey. “ _ Look I’m just trying to protect you handsome. And Ian he might be the real deal, who knows _ .”

“Bullshit! I feel it okay. When you look at him I’m remembering bits and pieces and when he’s near you. It was weird when you were in control, but I remember you get flusters and you feel as if your heart is going to stop. I know that feeling so stop lying.” Mickey says to Nick with venom in his voice.

“ _ If you say so Champ. If you say so.” _ Nick says and turns to look in the mirror now. When he sees Mickey looking at him he continues “ _ What?” _

“Why did I create you? Huh-why? What was so bad about my past that I can’t remember? What is so terrible in my life that I had to create you? Because right now I can’t figure this shit the fuck out. SO TELL ME DAMN!” Mickey more annoyed and angry as he shouts at his alter for answer now. But Nick seems to be more and more amused by Mickeys’ outburst and can’t help but laugh at the other man in front on him.

_ “So you wanna know why I’m here huh?” _ Nick says as he’s sitting on the dresser talking to Mickey now and laughing, because well this is fucking hilarious to him. “ _ You wanna know what deep…dark…secret from your past brought me out, well more like to life because you were too pussy to handle it?”  _ Nick says as he is taunting Mickey and Mickey as falling for his trap.

“YES! Jesus just tell me” Mickey says to Nick now in a desperate voice.

Nick turns around as he hums to himself “ _ Hmmmm…… I forgot _ ” he says as he smirks looking the opposite way of Mickey.

“No you didn’t you asshole, you’re just trying to play with my fucking head. Well it’s not going to work. Tell me why. Why the fuck did I create you in the first place huh?” Mickey damns Nick to tell him and he wanted to know right then and there.

Nick laughs and turns to Mickey “ _ Yes, well what can I say? I’m having so much fun.” _

“Well you know what maybe I’m stronger than you think Nick. I know what I can handle okay. So just tell me. I can handle it, I don’t need you!” Mickey insisted

“ _ Yeah, no. See if I tell you, you’re definitely going to fall apart and little old me” _ He point to himself “ _ will have no choice but to pick up the piece again like I always do.…hmmm...then again I should let you know. Seeing as I can be out and you can be back in your little black hole where you love to be sooooo fuckin much when shit gets tough…. Because that’s you Mickey! Always has been, always fuckin will be.” _ Nick then walks to Mickey and continues to talk carelessly to him “ _ You see that’s why your brothers and sister never told you. You’re too fragile to handle the truth. You’re broken and me! Well I’m the one who cleans up your messes and deals with all your shit.” _

Nick continues to walk over to Mickey who is then corner near his bed. Nick takes the pillow and covers Mickey with it. They fought for power and struggle. All of a sudden Mickey got up. He was sweaty and drenched. That was so real and too real for him. But then again this time he wasn’t the one making all his movement. This time it was Nick. He gets up from the bed, walks over the dresser and takes out some clothes and looks at the mirror and smiles at Mickey.

“See... I told you I always win Mick.” Nick says

“No! Fuck! Let me out Nick!  You can’t fucking do this to me! LET ME THE FUCK OUT NOW!” Mickey yells out but then again no one could hear him, even if he tried. Nick was in control this time and not Mickey.

Nick went to the desk that was in the room and took out the paper clips that were inside of the desk. He went straight to the door. These locks sucked no sense of security, what a trip. He unlocked the door fast and made his way out the room carefully making sure that no one saw him. He looks to see where the guards in the hospital were and no one was around. Nick walks over to the staff room and peeks inside to see if anyone was in there. Not one person in site. He heard a few people walking towards where he was at, and quickly made his way to the staff locker room. There he locks the door from inside; he saw the fire extinguisher and picked it up. He used the fire extinguisher on some of the locks in the locker to break into them. He did that to a few lockers until he found one that had men’s clothes in side of them.

Nick quickly removed the hospital patient clothes he had on, and put on the clothes he found. He takes a few other items from the lockers; such as a pair of keys to what looked like a car maybe and some wallets that had money in them. He throws everything on the floor and made his way out the room. Nick was able to cut his hospital bracelet off with the pocket knife he found in one of the lockers. He makes his way out by the doors and realized he needs a card to scan his way out.  He saw the cleaning lady and made his way over to her.

“Hi!” Nick says to the lady “I’m a new doctor here, my name is Charlie and I forgot my card key in my car. Do you think you can let me out?” Nick says politely to the old woman.

She smiles at him and grabbed her card and scanned it so he made his way out the door. He waves to her bye and she waved back and he was gone.

Being a person with a mental disorder can have many effects on said person mind. But Nick was determined to make sure no one stood in his way. He left the hospital and headed to the only place he knew where to go to when he needed to think. He needed a plan; he needed to think of what to do, without anyone finding him right now at this moment. He had to figure shit out and then get back to Ian. Almost a week and some change, and Ian probably thought he ran off, which he didn’t in a way. Fuck Mickeys’ stupid ass for being able to come out. Nick could feel Mickey even now trying to fight to come back out and take control. Nick was trying his hardest to not let that happen.

“Nick! Turn around Nick” Mickey says to him.

Nick looks up review mirror and rolls his eyes “ _ No!” _ shouts Nick

“What the fuck you can’t do this…this is my life” Mickey practically yells at Nick.

“ _ Well no! This is our life, you can’t just have it all Mick! We are a pair me and you. You, my other mental fuck head, can’t always have it your way. SO stop being so selfish and let daddy come out and play for a little while okay?  You can just sleep ight, no harm done _ .” Nick says in amusement to Mickey

“You’re fucking insane you know that” Mickey says

“ _ Nooooo, you are. You’re the one who put us in a psych ward for no reason and didn’t even discuss it with me!   How rude are you for that! _ ” Nick says and smiles looking at Mickey

“This is my body, my life not your Nick” Mickey yells at Nick who was still seeing him through the front view mirror.

“ _ On the contrary baby! This is our life, not just yours. Sorry to break it to you.” _ Nick says and pulls over the car and walks out into the park

Nick was now aimlessly walking around inside the park thinking of different things he can explain to Ian why he was gone for so long. He was also trying to think of ways to get the fuck away from Mickey’s brothers and sister. He needed a plan. His head started to hurt and this was not good. The struggle for power between these guys was becoming hard.

Mickey looks up and around his surrounding area. He managed to take back control and right now he needed to get back to the hospital. Nick was stronger than him, but he couldn’t let him know that. However Nick had other plans and refused. Getting into Mickeys’ head was always easy for him so he did what he does best.

_ “Now, Now Mick, you should know better by now that this is not going to end well. LET ME OUT NOW!”  _ Nick demands

Mickey says nothing to Nick. He simply tries to just rub his head from the pain this headache Nick was causing _. _

_ “Silent treatment… really Mickey…hmm okay you wannna play that game…… Miiiiccckkkeeeey come on... Let’s play a game okay. How about we play truth and dare…. You want to play?”  _ Nick says to Mickey, but Mickey is giving no attempt to response to Nick he just grunted at him, so Nick went with another method.

_ “Miiiickeeeeeeyyyy. I know all of our secrets and you don’t know any of them…Ha.ha.ha-ha, ha….. Miiiiickeeeeey I know what happened to us all those years ago! And you don’t know a thiiiing _ .” Nick sang to Mickey who was holding his head now in pain wishing Nick to go away.

And with that; Mickey finally breaking his silence, he wanted so bad to know what happened to him when he was a child. “What happen to me!? Tell me God Dammit!”

“That’s what I would like to know?” Ian says standing there in front of Mickey who looks up at him confused.

“What the fuck?”


	11. The Struggle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was also edit. Please enjoy
> 
> Here's another chapter as promise. Its not as long but I am writing the next chapter. I hope you guys like it. Also I'm not the best at smut writing I do try. so please dont hate that part if is it not good. IN addition I love all of your comments and kudos it does brighten my day. I love to hear feed back. Hope you all enjoy this chapter. Let me know what you think.

It had been nearly one week and a half of not seeing Nick, and Ian was mixed with emotions. Everything from being pissed off, to feelings annoyed, to feeling betrayed, to worry about Nick and wondering if he was okay or if something had happened to him. Ian even thought that Nick left him. Ian was feeling so many emotions all at once and didn’t know what to do.  So he took it day by day. When he got home that day from the last time seeing Nick, he went to search the house and nothing. He couldn’t find him no-where, his things were still there in the house, but there was no sight of him coming back to the house at all. Ian didn’t know what to think. How could his boyfriend, who just said he was falling for him, just leave him like that like nothing? Even after Ian told him he loved him.  Ian wondered if maybe he scared off Nick but how could he? What the fuck!

Wow! Love does suck, it hurts even. Ian didn’t let it go of course. He called all the places Nick might have gone to, he went to the club to see if he was working or if anyone had seen him. No one had seen or heard from Nick. That’s what made Ian worry even more, and Ian told the bartenders and bouncer at the club to call him if they saw Nick at all. It was annoying as hell, Ian even called some of the clubs him and Nick went to out in New York, being that Nick was known to be somewhat of a party boy out there, but nothing. Ian called his phone every day, and still nothing. It went to voicemail after a few rings and then it went to voicemail immediately after the second day.

Did Nick just up and leave him? Why? Why would he do that? Ian thought to himself, more and more.  None of this made sense to Ian and to be honest he was hurt... Hurt that the man he loves so much disappeared on him. Ian didn’t know if Nick was okay or if he got hurt, but it was still weird. Out of sight just nothing. Ian couldn’t have contacted his family because well he only heard of them when Nick talked so little about them.  Plus that was rare and when Nick spoke about them, he didn’t really like them at all. Ian never asked Nick why he didn’t like his family, like what was the reason behind it all. He would just listen and hold Nick close when he knew the shorter man got upset.  Another thing was that even if Ian wanted to contact Nicks’ family, Nick never elaborated or informed Ian about them. Like where they lived or anything.  Shit, Ian didn’t even know where Nick lived and Nick just ended up living with him.  It was like he left and disappeared into thin air. It hurt Ian and he didn’t know what to do, but for some reason he just continued to look for Nick, while continuing on his daily routine.  Being new to the academy he couldn’t have just asked for time off, that’s not how things worked at all.

Going to work, and then coming home, making calls to see if anyone saw Nick was tiring but Ian wanted to find his boyfriend. He wasn’t desperate, or anything, he wanted answers and he deserve to have them.  Debbie even went ahead and helped him. She checked the hospitals and even some of the precincts to see if he got picked up for anything. But something told Ian, that he knew and felt that if Nick wanted to be found then he would be found, it’s just if and when. It made no sense to Ian whatsoever, which pissed Ian off even more.

He was mad and had every fucking right to be at his boyfriend or not boyfriend now. Whatever the fuck they were right now Ian didn’t know. You just don’t leave someone like that, with any fucking explanation right.

It was then that for some reason, Ian decided to go to the park that he and Nick use to go to all the time when one of them were frustrated or upset at each other. They always found each other there for some reason.  It was like it was there place you know; to like think and figure shit out and also talk to each other about what was wrong or just anything really. It was weird but for some reason Ian had a feeling to go there, so he did.

What he didn’t expect was to see his boyfriend there talking to himself like he was talking to someone else. It was weird, but Ian didn’t care. What he felt at that moment seeing Nick right there near the gate at the other side of the benches he was sitting at was angry, happiness, joy, and rage. Who the fuck did Nick think he was just leaving, and not saying anything to Ian and just disappearing like that. And now he’s here right now. WHAT THE FUCK? Did he not give a fuck about Ian? Was it a lie? Was all of it a lie? Ians mind was going everywhere, thinking of everything. Fuck that! Ian was going to get to the bottom of this right now right then and there.

So as he approaches Nick, he overhears him talking. “What happen to me!? Tell me God Dammit!” So that was when Ian decided to reply to Nick.

“That’s what I would like to know?” Ian says and then Mickey looks up at him confused “You left me! Where did you go?” Ian hisses at Nick. Nick was just looking at him confused not saying anything. So Ian pushes him to say something at least “Come on answer me what’s wrong Nick?!” Ian says almost practically yelling to his Nick who is just looking at him like he was crazy.

_ “I can handle this, let me out now!” _ Nick says with so much heat behind the voice that Mickey head starts to hurt again and he’s in more pain than ever before. So much that he’s now grabbing his hair in pain hoping that it would stop.

“NO! Stop!” Mickey shouts to himself

“No what?” Ian says confused looking at his boyfriend for the first time since he left.

_ “You see you don’t know what the fuck you’re doing?! You ruin everything Mickey! You’re way out of your fucking league now let me out! Now!”  _ Nick shouts to Mickey, but Mickey was trying hard to hold on.

Mickey looks around and is confused “I have to talk to my brother; I have to talk to him now.”

“You’re brother? What? Wait Nick you don’t talk to your siblings at least that’s what you said to me.” Ian says now

_ “You see what you’re doing.  You fucking prick! Let me out I can handle this guy. Now let go. Jesus fucking Christ Mickey. Let me out now god damn it! You’re so fucking selfish you son of bitch! _ ” Nick yells at Mickey in his head over and over again. Mickey felt like he was going to break.

Ian now looks at his boyfriend differently, there was something off about Nick he couldn’t seems to put his finger on. So he cautiously says to him “Baby…you okay? What’s wrong?”

“NO!  I AM NOT OKAY” Mickey yells out and is in pain and at the break of tears.

“Alright……. alight Okay.” Ian says to him slowly and calmly. He has no idea what is going on, but right now he needs his boyfriend to calm down.

“No I’m sorry.” Mickey says as he starts to move slowly. “I have to leave. I have to go, I have to find Collin, or Leah shit maybe Mandy I don’t know I have to go right now” Mickey says in a rush.

Ian is confused and tries to grab Nick at the same time as he speak. “Wait Nick come here…..Look trust me okay. Are you…are in some kind of trouble? Or involved in something?  Is that why you’re freaking the fuck out on me?” Ian says with so much concern and worry in his voice now.

“My name is not Nick…. It’s Mickey.” Mickey says to the redhead in front of him.

Ian looks at Nick and tilted his head and has a confused look on his face. But then he burst out in a fit of angry that slowly is crippling out of him.

“What?.... You’re not Nick…okay yeah sure…” He laughs slightly then continues. “That’s fucking great.  You look like Nick, my Nick mind you okay, you sound like My Nick! Shit I bet you even feel like Nick as well.” Ian says and he pokes Nick in the arm.

“ _ Come on you fuckin piece of shit. Let me the fuck out. Cut the fuckin Shit Mickey I got this, I can handle it okay.” _ Nick says to Mick

Mickey is holding his head in pain, and looks to Ian. “I’m not him okay. I’m not fucking Nick!” Mickey says again.

“Well then I guess I’m a fucking crazy asshole right. I’ve been trying to tell myself that you didn’t just run out on me. Oh No, that you just left to your place for a few days, with no phone call or message... Shit the last time we were together I remember telling you specifically I was going to be right back. But fuck no that just fucking great right. Make me look like a complete fucking idiot!” Ian says and then he continues when Nick isn’t saying anything but looking at him weird now.

“I was fucking worried about you Nick.” Now Ian’s yelling at this point “Okay! I was fucking fallen in love with you and everything Nick, what the actual fuck!” Ian yells out and was beyond pissed now. He had fallen in love with Nick and now Nick was playing mind games. No fucking way.

“ _ Let me out NOW! Oh so help me GOD when I get out I will take away everyone you ever fucking care about Mickey!” _ Nick says to Mickey

“You know what I guess this was a huge fucking Mistake. Shit Oh My GOOOOD.  Me and you. Fuck!” Ian goes to walk away then all of sudden Mickey turns to him and grabs him.

“Come on baby… You know me better than that. I knew you would find me. There’s not mistake here Ian.” Nick tells Ian who is looking at him weird.

“No fuck you.” Ian says and tries to turn around when Nick grabs him and stops him

“No, no, no, wait, okay? Look I was in trouble okay. That’s why I left. I had to leave. I’ve only been gone for what a few days or so… Look okay maybe more than a week but, hey don’t look at me like that aight…Just take me home okay. Take me away from here. Just me and you okay and I’ll tell you why I left okay?” Nick says

“No! How about you start explaining to me everything right now Nick! From the beginning to the end.  Particular with this first thing you said to me a few moments ago was ‘I’m not Nick’ that one I want an explanation for right about now.” Ian says looking Nick dead in his eyes. He was serious, but Nick somehow is keeping himself calm under the pressure.

“So talk to me Nick what’s going on with you? What kind of troubling you’re into? And why are you so called not Nick yet Mickey or whatever huh? Are playing fucking mind games with me, because you can go fuck yourself” Ian says to Nick.  And Nick knows what Ian’s doing; he’s trying to confuse him so he will tell him everything. It’s not the first time Ian as done this but this time Nick is not falling for it.

“Okay! Okay, fine look I can’t go there with you right now aight. I just… I just want to be free with you okay. Can we just go and be free. You were thinking about moving and we were going to. Let’s do that like right now. Shit we can stay at my place in New York you said you want to go back there let’s go there! You can get your transfer for the academy there or something, plus Debbie would love it, like a new start for her; you said it so yourself.” Nick is trying now to steer the topic away from Ian, of him saying he’s not Nick.

“No! No, I want to know right now. Why did you leave me after you told me you would be there waiting for me huh? What’s up with you and saying I’m not Nick and looking at me like I’m crazy or some shit?” Ian flat out tells Nick with some heat to his voice. He wants answer and he’s going to get them.

“Look I got into some things with my family okay. And uh I got into a bit of ah… issue with a problem but that aint gonna be a problem no more okay. And right now that would bring up the past and I don’t want to do that. Plus FYI I’m sure you don’t want to bring up every ounce of your past to life just like I don’t want to do that to mines.” Nick shot back at Ian.

“You’re still not explaining and that’s not fair Nick.” Ian says to Nick lowly yet there’s venom in his voice.

Nick knew that Ian wasn’t yet comfortable bring up the past, he talked about it sometimes to him but didn’t like it. And yeah it was a low blow to mention it, but Nick needed Ian to steer clear of the topic of Mickey for just a moment so he can think of what to say to him. How to explain to him, better yet, he needed to get rid of Mickey for good. He was not about to integrate with him. Nope that was not happening, plus Mickey would always call Nick anyways. It always happened no matter what.

“You’re right I’m sorry… but ugh … Baby come on okay. Let’s just go, let’s just go and get out of here. Come on. Listen okay I’m sorry I didn’t know what to do. My family they wanted to control me, they want to change me and they want me to be someone I aint and refuse to be okay.....Come on Ian please. I don’t beg and right now I am, so fuckin understands okay. Can we…. Can we get like a do over okay?  Me, you and the world….shit even Debbie too. I like her too.” Nick says trying to lighten up the mood

“No. No, Nick No…. I don’t know if I can trust you. You vanished, you left… disappeared.  Yeah it was for a week and a half, but you left with no say whatsoever. No fucking letters nothing. Not even a god damn text you fucking ass hole.” Ian told Nick

“Damn it. Look before you okay… I… I-I didn’t know what I wanted okay. I didn’t know that I can … fuck! … This is hard to say okay… Look now I do know what I want…I love you I fucking love you! I fucking love you, you fucking tall red headed freckle asshole.” Nick says it to Ian hoping and praying to whomever that Ian would look at him and believe him, because well it was true. Nick loves Ian so much and being in that hospital with Mickey in control trying to get rid of him and whoever was helping Mickey had Nick scared. He was more worried that he would never see Ian again, never touch him, never kiss him, never look at him again, never be near him and that nearly killed Nick… Shit. What was it about Ian that Nick couldn’t live without?  He needed his Ian to protect him from that feeling of losing himself, of being nearly gone. No he couldn’t let anyone take that away fuck that.  Nick had feelings, he is as real as anyone, he love Ian and Ian has to know this no matter what.

Ian was stopped breathing for a moment and was in shock. He did think Nick would ever say it to him, then again Ian though that no one would ever say those words to him again and mean it. Ian chuckles a little and gives Nick a small smile “Nick…what did you just say to me? You….. you love me?” Ian repeats the words to Nick.

Nick give Ian a smile shy smile then speaks while nodding his head. “Look I know it sounds stupid and dumb or fake and I-I sound like some insecure loser or a bitch that sounds like I’m just saying it.” Nick tells Ian shyly trying to hide his cheeks because his face begins to flush red. Nick hated blushing even if it was Ian doing it to him.

“So why did you say it then?” Ian says curiously

“Because you asshole… I mean it okay…I get sick when I’m around you. I fuckin think of you all the time. It scares me when I’m not near you…It’s hard to be near you, it’s hard not to want to hear you’re fucking annoying voice all the time. Sometimes I can’t sleep or think unless you’re with me or near me. All I want to do it wake up to your fuckin freckle face and have you be the first person I kiss in the morning and last person you kiss at night. So yes I fuckin love you; you asshole, I just hope you know that I do, and that I mean everything I say you know I mean it from my heart, and that you know you mean everything to me. I get like butterflies and shit in my stomach okay.  It like flips around in there and it’s weird, and I can’t breathe around you it’s hard.” Nick tells Ian looking him in green eyes.

“Maybe you need a doctor then?” Ian says smiling trying to joke.

“Fuck you okay… I’m here telling you I love you and all you can do is joke? Look I’m not fuckin happy about it at all dick head. And I’m mad…I’m fucking mad at you for making this happen. But it did and I’m here tell you right now that yes Ian Gallagher I Nikolai  Milkovich am in love with you. And yes it’s too late now, so what the fuck are you going it do about?” Nick tells Ian but, Ian he can’t speak.

Ian is silent and doesn’t say anything he just simply crosses his arms against his chest and is stuck on stupid at this moment. One; Nick as never like to use his real name and two did he really just say he loves him?

“Are you gonna say something or are yah gonna stand there and look fuckin stupid?” Nick says to Ian now slightly annoyed that he hasn’t said one word to him yet.

“You… you love me… hmph. You left me. And yet you’re fucking here telling me that you love me. Yet you were just here telling me that you weren’t Nick.” Ian says then continues after a few seconds.  “You’re talking about love here babe.  A whole knew fucking ball game…I don’t think you’re ready for that Nick.” Ian says to him. Ian wants to say ‘yes I know you love me I fucking love you to,’ but he needs to stand firm and Nick still wasn’t explaining himself to him.

Nick looks at Ian and is crushed… “Okay you know what… forget I said anything okay.” Nick says to Ian and turns around. Yeah he’s hurt but fuck Ian for thinking he can’t love him.

That looks and sounds in Nick voice makes him cave in… Fuck, the shit this asshole did to Ian. It’s fucking unbelievable. “Oh come on Nick don’t do that. Don’t walk away and pout babe.” Ian says to Nick walking behind him and wrapping his arms around Nicks’ waist from behind.

“Why? I’m fuckin cute when pout.” Nick says with a smirk on his face, and just as he smiles when he feels Ian behind him, Nick then leans into his loving embrace that his boyfriend is giving him.

“You are always fucking cute no matter what asshole.” Ian tells Nick playfully.

“Well is that a problem?” Nick says and turns to face Ian now still in embrace.

“No, but the thing is I don’t want to say something that later on will hurt me.” Ian says to Nick in a low voice, almost childlike even.

“Oh come the fuck on man…spit it out. What are you chicken…a pussy… what? Come on just say what you wanna say to me. I can take it I’m a big boy.” Nick says challenging Ian.

Nick just called Ian a pussy and he was far from being that “You know what. Fine, alright fine I will.” Ian says stepping back from Nick but still looking at him

“Then go ahead asshat.” Nick says again while throwing his hands up in the hair.

“Okay” Ian burst out to Nick in a shout.

“Okay” Nick says mimicking Ian.

“I am in love with you; you stupid fuck, and guess what? Yes I do fucking love you; you asshole. But I’m still pissed and I want answers. If not? Then me and you, we can’t do this.” Ian says to Nick all at once and his heart is pumping so fast against his chest, he thinks it might burst out.

Just then in the heat of the moment there lips cash together. Both leaning into each other tongues fighting for control, there’s biting and they are sucking on each other’s lips and tugging on each other’s clothes for dear life.  They break apart from the kiss still holding on to each other.

Ian smiles down at Nick and Nick tells Ian “Let’s go home baby. I’ll give you what you want Red.” Nick simply says to him

“Okay…but Nick this is not over… we have talk and I’m serious. Whatever you’re hiding…. I need to know and now.” Ian tells Nick

Nick looks down to the ground and then back at Ian before he speaks. “Not now okay…..just give me a few days aight… I’ll tell you everything, just trust me okay. You love me, so trust me babe.”

Ian nods his head unsure of what to do or say. He loves Nick…just right now he doesn’t know if he can trust him, but for some reason he does. They make their way out of the park, and start to head home when Nick has a sudden crazy idea; he looks to Ian and smiles. Yeah this is the man he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Why not right. ‘Me. Him. Us. Together. No one can stop us now.’

********************************************************************************

Everything was going fine, until Collin got the call from Charlene that Mickey had escaped the hospital. Now this was when shit was going to get hard. Collin knew that it wasn’t Mickey who left the hospital but that it was Nick, it just had to be.  He didn’t know where to look for his brother and he knew that if Nick wanted to disappear he would.  His little brother wasn’t strong enough to handle this kind of shit.

Collin called Captain David to tell him what happened. David had no hesitation in putting in a missing person report in for Collin to find Mickey. Because in reality Mickey was missing; Collin had no choice but to tell David everything about Nick and so he was aware of things. David understood and told Collin that they will do everything to find Mickey and that no one will hurt him even if his alter is in control.

Leah was with Collin holding him; telling him it would be okay and that Mickey hadn’t been gone for too long. Less than 24 hours, they would be able to find him. Collin wanted to tell Mandy and Iggy, but right now he couldn’t be concern with what they know or didn’t know right now.  He had to find Mickey now and fast as possible before he lost him.

“Leah…what if I lost him.  This is all my fault! I fuck up and I never got him the help he needed.” Collin tells her

“Collin you did what you thought was right okay. No one could have predicted this.” Leah says to her husband.

“Really? Because we don’t know what Nick is capable of?  But then again we do at the same time… he’s different from Mickey. He’s clever, he’s fucking smarter than us. The only reason why I found him was because of Colt and even then that was by luck.” Collin says to Leah

“Look. I’m not going to tell you not to be worried or concerned, because he’s your baby brother and he’s mine as well. But you can’t blame yourself for shit you didn’t do to him. You can’t blame yourself; you thought you were protecting him from something so horrible that it was best for him not to remember….I get that Collin! You were being a parent and you were nearly what 22 years old? How could you have known? Christ Collin you have to remember you’re not the one who hurt him. This is not your fault, you have to remember that! You were barely an adult when you took your sister and brothers in.  You didn’t know what you were doing, but you tried your best to decide what they needed.” Leah tells her husband as she was holding his head looking straight at him.

“Yeah? And look where that got me Leah.” Collin says and puts his hands to his face and breathes out loudly.  And gets up and starts to get dress.

“Where are you going Collin?” Leah ask Collin

“I have to do something Leah I can’t stay here and not do anything.” Collin tells his wife

Leah gets up and starts to get dress she looks at Collin and says “What? You think you going out there alone looking for him… No way asshole, till death do us part remember.” Leah smiles at him

Collin smiles back and nods his head. They head out the door and got in the car and start to drive around to see if they can find Nick or Mickey, or whoever he is out here in Chicago. It’s a long shot, but Collin has to do something.

***************************************************************************************

The first thing that Nick did was dragging Ian in the house and took him upstairs to their bedroom.  Barely letting Ian get a word out when he tried to object.  Nick threw Ian on the bed and quickly removed his pants and boxers with one movement and took Ian’s long cock into his mouth.  Ian didn’t object at all at that point, because honestly Ian didn’t know if he could even if he tried, plus it felt so fucking good. Nick swirled his tongue around Ian’s cock and was sucking him so hard that it made Ian arch his back up and pull on Nicks hair. That only made Nick bob his head up and down faster. Hearing the slurping and sucking Nick was doing to Ian, had Ian moaning Nicks name trying hard not to cum down his boyfriends throat. He then grabs and tugged on Nicks hair pulling up to lock their lips with one another again.  This kiss was rough at first, but then became more passionate. Nick deepen the kiss more cradling Ian’s head with his hands and then he stop the kiss and rested his forehead on Ian’s head.

He looks in Ian’s green eyes, and Ian looks back into Nicks’ blue ocean eyes. They smiles at each other and it was the most beautiful thing ever. Both of them here in this atmosphere of love, passion, and so much heat.  Nick leans down and kisses Ian more slowly; he careful and slowly removes Ian’s shirt, and Ian removes Nick shirt. Nick pushes Ian back down gentle on to the bed, and looks down at the man he so admires and loves.  Nick leans down again to kiss Ians’ thighs now and slowly passionately, made his way up to Ian’s abs. Licking them and sucking a genital bruise on his hip.  Nick made his way to Ian’s nipple and his tongue circled around Ian’s nipple and he bites it lightly and sucks on Ian’s Nipple which made the taller man arch his back again from the sensation. All the while as Ian’s running his hands through Nicks’ hair slightly tugging it.  That lets Nick know that Ian loves what he is doing.  Nick makes his way up to Ian’s neck; he kisses and nibbles on it. He then sucks a nice purple blush bruise on Ian’s neck making Ian moan loudly.  He then captures Ian’s lips again and the Ian replies hungrily to Nicks kisses, but Nick was able to calm him down.

Nick simple looks at Ian and then makes a movement to get the lubricant from the dresser near the bed. Nick then coat Ian’s fingers with the lube and Ian replies by putting two slicked fingers inside Nick. Ian was stretching Nick nice and good all the while as they kiss. Nick moans into Ian’s mouth as Ian spread his fingers open inside of Nick. Ian makes his fingers press against Nicks prostate. Nick was now breathing heavy and fast. The feeling of Ian inside of him was so good that he tries to kiss Ian again but then got lost in the pleasure. Nick runs his fingers through Ian’s hair moaning and groaning from the pleasure and pain that he was feeling.  Ian removes his fingers from inside of Nick and cupped his ass. Nick leans down and kisses Ian firmly then lifts his ass up and slowly pushes himself down onto Ian cock. Ian and Nick both moan together in bliss, as Nick sat on Ian all the way down. Nick then starts to move up and down on Ians length, slowly moving his hips.  The motions he was doing was slow yet different, with so much passion, so much emotions…so much love.  

Nick moves up and down up, and down on Ian; Ian held on to Nicks’ hips, because now he starts to grind down on Ian’s cock. It was the most sensational feelings for both men.  Ian is moaning loudly, while Nick is breathing heavy. Nick is beginning to sob and moan more loudly.  This new motions was different for both of them. Nick is looking at Ian with intense eyes, moving his hips in every way angle of motions he can. So much, that he makes Ian break eye contact with him and Ian throws his head back from the sensation.  Ian sits up and grabs Nick and kisses him hard, he then flips Nick on his back and looks down at him. Nick sight as he looks up at Ian and licks his lips, biting on his lower bottom lip.  Ian is so beautiful looking down at him Nick thinks to himself and Ian is thinking and feeling the same way about Nick, as he is looking down at Nick. 

Ian then lifts Nick’s legs up over his shoulders and then starts to move his hips.  The movement was slow at first, but then “move faster” Nick says and then Ian starts to move faster and deeper inside Nick. Making his boyfriend cry out in pleasure with every thrust Ian was giving Nick. Every time Ian pulls out and goes back in, it was like Nicks’ breath was stolen away from him, and he cries out louder in pleasure. Nick rolls his eyes back as Ian hits that spot over and over again; that’s making Nicks’ body feel everything.  It’s like an electrical feeling of so much good sensations that is running through his whole body. Every time Ian hits that spot over and over again it makes Nick want him more closer than he was before “more right there!” Nick says while he is scratching at Ian’s back for dear life. One hand makes its way up to Ian’s hair. Nick tugs and twists his fingers into Ians hair; the sensation is killing him and he can’t help but feel so lost in the moment of pleasure.  Nick pulls Ian down and kisses him right after he bit down on his shoulder as Ian is now pounding into him.  Everything was so heated up; Ian grabs Nicks cock and starts to pump it faster with everything thrust.

The feeling is warm and full with every movement and kiss Ian give Nick.  Nick groans lowly as Ian squeezes his cock and strokes it. Nicks body tenses up and his eyes roll back and his mouth is open in a O shape as his orgasm becomes intense and he spills himself all over between him and Ian. Nick is quivering as Ian continues to move and thrust into Nick hitting his prostate over and over again over stimulating him.  Just a few more thrust into Nick and Ian us cumming inside of Nick while moaning his name loudly.  Both men are kissing each other and it’s an exhilarating feeling. It was as if they were the only two people in the world and nothing else matter to them at this very moment. Ian pulls out of Nick slowly and Nick whimpers at lack of feeling Ian inside of, of the lack of feeling full.

Ian lies down next to Nick, they clean themselves up and Nick turns around and holds Ian close to him.  He didn’t want this moment to end, he didn’t want to say anything or do anything at all but just stay in this exact moment.  Ian looks at Nick and smiles at him. It is then that Nick takes a deep breath in and releases it out… “Ian I have to tell you something.”

“Okay…So tell me.” Ian says

Here it goes.


	12. The Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The truth comes out to all. Now how Ian will react is a surprise to say none the less. How the Mandy and Iggy will react to Collins confession and secrets behind is another. Now whether they believe him or not. Well thats up to them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKay so here's the next chapter. The Italic wording is of Mickey talking to Nick. I also put in a part where Collin actually talks to Ian over the phone. So you guys get a chance to see that. 
> 
> Please not that there is mention of child abuse not so much but I still want you all to know just in case it does trigger a few people. Please let me know your thought. i love reading the comments it keeps me going. Plus I appreciate all the kudos you guys have given me. I'm working on the next chapter so Here it goes. Leave your comments thanks again.
> 
>  
> 
> This chapter has been edit for grammar and errors. Please let me know if there are any mistakes. I am doing all of the edit on my own so here you go xoxox

The room was silent for a moment after Ian replies to Nick, and Nick was nervous to tell Ian what he needed to tell him. He couldn’t just say ‘well hey. See the thing is, I have a mental disorder that says I’m not really me, but I am real and everyone can go kiss my ass because well I love you and I have a life now!’ Yeah no. That he wasn’t going to do it; Ian would think he’s crazy. So Nick decides to approach Ian with different information.

“You love me?” Nick asked

“Of course, why would ask that?” Ian says to Nick. He was wondering why Nick would ask him such a question.

“Cause if you do, yah know… would yah like… be with me forever no matter what.” Nick says to Ian looking into his eyes

Ian then lifts himself up and leans on his elbows and looks at Nick dead in his eyes “Yes…now why are you acting differently after we just made some hot fucking love making?.... What wrong babe?” Ian asked now

Nick doesn’t look away and keeps eye contact with Ian as he speaks “Red look, I gotta tell you sumin’ and I don’t know if you gonna like it or not. Or hate me or love me after I tell you what I have to tell you. It’s because I love you okay and for me to even love you or anything for that matter is beyond me okay.” Nick says to Ian.

“Okay… So tell me, spit it out Nick… I told you we needed to talk about this and if I’m going to fully trust you again, than you have to tell me okay. I’m here, I won’t judge you or anything okay…Are you like… Like some fucking insane murderer, or a fucking criminal mastermind.” Ian says and laughing trying to lighten the mood for Nick to talk to him.

“Fuck you okay.” Nick says smiling at Ian “What if I was a fuckin criminal, or murderer or what the fuck ever. Would you still want to be with me?” Nick says too Ian with no heat behind his voice

“Maybe… I don’t know. It would definitely mark a check off my bucket list of people I want to fuck in my lifetime.” Ian says jokingly to Nick.

“What if I wanted to do something? Like me and you versus the world…If I showed you all of my flaw would you still love me?” Nick didn’t wait for Ian to answer him; he just gets up. Puts a pair of boxers on, and threw some at Ian to put on. Nick then went out of the room and came back with his laptop and turns it on. While he was doing this, Ian was looking at him confused and puzzled as to what Nick is doing.  Nick isn’t saying anything to Ian, he’s just went ahead and left the laptop on the bed and goes out the room and comes back again. Nick looks at Ian and speaks. Well rather he starts to smile at Ian and then oddly he starts singing to him which surprises Ian.

“If I got lock away and lost it all today. Tell me honestly would you still love me the same? (Ian was now smiling at his boyfriend and chuckling at his attempt to be romantic he thinks?) If I showed you my flaws, If I couldn’t be strong. Tell me honestly would you still love the same?”

Ian cuts Nick off and starts to talk “You’re singing R. City featuring Adam Levine Lock away to me?” Ian smiles and looks at Nick who is blushing red, more redder than he has ever did before.

“That was just the chorus I didn’t even get to the other part of the song.” Nick says shyly, which he doesn’t do. He wasn’t shy around nobody, not even Ian and for some reason he was right now.  

“I know it’s just… I’ve heard you sing in the shower and never to me… and that song as a lot of meaning to it.” Ian says to Nick

“Well Red… I think of you when I hear it sometimes. Okay?” Nick says to Ian. He’s still blushing now and looks away from Ian. Ian just brought that out of him.

“Yeah okay, Just sometimes though?” Ian askes, teasing Nick

“Jesus Christ okay every time I listen to it.” Nick says slightly annoyed with his boyfriend

Ian smiles and leans in and kisses Nick and then Nick continues to singing the song as the music plays in the background from the laptop “Now tell me would you really ride for me. Baby, tell me would you die for me. Would you spend your whole life with me. Would you be there to always hold me down. Tell me would you really cry for me, Baby don’t lie to me. If you I didn’t have anything I wanna know would you stick around.”

Before Nick can continue with the song, Ian kisses him and says “Yes!... would you still love me honestly?” Ian says smiling

“Dork.” Nick says to Ian

Ian snorts at Nick's comment “Says the guy, who was just singing to me a few moments ago!” Ian says smiling widely at Nick

“Okay but I’m cuter at it and I have a better voice than you.” Nick says teasing Ian.

Ian then grabs Nicks’ laptop who is making an objected sound, which Ian ignores and went ahead and found the song he wanted to play. He then stood up and put his hand out for Nick to take it.

“No. No way am I gonna dance” Nicks says shaking his head “Nah not happening man.” Nick says

The song starts to play and Ian looks at Nick with his eyes wide open, still waiting for his lover to take his hand. Nick hears the song and lyrics playing and looks at Ian with sad eyes. He grabs Ian’s hands, than lifts him up and grabbing him close. They start to sway side to side as the song continues to play.

‘ **_You pulled me close. Split second and you disappeared and then I was all alone. I woke up in tears. With you by my side a breath of relief and I realized. No, we’re not promised tomorrow.  So I’m gonna love you. Like I’m gonna lose you. I’m gonna hold you. Like I’m saying goodbye, wherever we’re standing.  I won’t take you for granted, cause we’ll never know when. When we’ll run out of time. So I’m gonna love you, like I’m gonna lose you I’m gonna love you like I’m gonna lose you’_ **

Ian leans forward into Nick space and kisses him slowly. “I thought I lost you when you were gone for those past few days.”

“Ian you won’t lose me baby. I’m not gonna go anywhere.” Nick says looking in Ian’s eyes

“Nick you don’t know that… you left and I just… “Ian starts to say and trails off. His eyes were glassy and Nick knew he was holding back tears, which hurt Nick even more than he would like to admit.

“I promise you I ain’t ever gonna leave you.” Nick says to Ian strongly

‘ **_Like I’m saying goodbye wherever we’re standing I won’t take you for granted ‘cause we’ll never know when. When we’ll run out of time so I’m gonna love you. Like I’m gonna lose you’_ **

“I love you Nick.”

“I love you too Ian.”

They continue to dance until the song was over and they both just held each other tightly as if they were going to lose each other.

The thing about loving someone is that you give them the power to love you, but you also give them the power to destroy you. Love is just a word, a 4 letter word, but the meaning behind that word can either make or break a person down. And that’s what Ian is scared of. Being broken down and shattered into pieces unable to get back up from that. Loving Nick was something he knew he could do for the rest of his life. But for some reason he had this feeling in the back of his mind that something was going to fuck it all up. Because well…Being a Gallagher, nothing last forever with them. The universe somehow felt that.  But knowing Ian, he refuses to let the universe win.

*************************************************************************************

The next few weeks were bliss actually. Ian was going to work, and Nick cut back on working at the club shorten his days. He was trying to find another job for the sack of Ian’s at his request, who actually begged him to find another job. And yes Nick was not happy about it, but if it made Ian happy and made him stop fucking nagging him, then he would do it. He didn’t like it when Ian nagged him, it annoyed him but he still loves him nonetheless.

After that night happen, Nick and Ian talked a lot. By a lot, I mean stood up all night till the morning and even then they didn’t get to go to sleep till 12pm that afternoon.  They talked about little things, big things, the future, and about some of Ian’s past. Which had Nick holding Ian close keeping Ian grounded; they talked about a lot of shit. They made decisions that they felt is best and well it would benefit them both. However Nick still didn’t tell Ian about Mickey and that was eating him up in the inside. He just didn’t know how to tell Ian about Mickey, without feeling that he was somehow going to mess up what they have.

Nick was home alone at the moment.  He walks into the bathroom and stops. Mickey was there now looking at him.

“Jesus Christ! What the fuck do you want? Can’t you just go the fuck away?!” Nick says walking towards the mirror in the bathroom.

“ _ No! This is my life; I have every right to be here. You have to stop this Nick _ !” Mickey says

“Fuck you and you’re stop this shit bitch. This is my life now, and you need to get the fuck out of it and disappear forever… like right now.” Nick says slashing back out at Mickey

“ _ No! FUCK YOU NICK!” _ Mickey says pissed off and yelling. “ _ This is my life damn it, I just made you up you’re nobody, just a fucking alter!”  _ Mickey yells at Nick who’s just laughing at him _. _

“There goes that anger that lights the fire… where the fuck was that at huh… Pussy! …Yeah sure “I’m a so called alter. An alter who has a life, who’s someone! Christ Mickey what are you? For all we know you’re probably the alter, and I’m the real deal.” (Nick says while pointing at Mickey) “No… you know what? I am the real deal, and you are just a fucked up person who has a lot of daddy issue.” Nick says to Mickey smiling wickedly at him

“ _ What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” _ Mickey says to Nick and is now confused

“Means you ain’t coming out; I ain’t leaving Ian again; no way in hell! Soon you’ll be just a memory to everyone.” Nick says taunting Mickey

_ “You can’t do that… I don’t love Ian okay…. I care for Colt, and I’m real and you’re not _ !” Mickey says looking frighten back at Nick through the mirror.

“Yeah you don’t love Ian, but I love Ian, and he’s good for us. Colt is a fucking bastard who should die” Nick hisses out and continues to talk to Mickey “and if given the chance. Yes I will kill him. For Christ sake you can’t even say you love Colt! Because guess what Mick? You don’t!  He’s just there and convent for you that’s all he is and you know it!” Nick says

“ _ I won’t let you do this to us, I will get out _ .” Mickey says.

Nick step forward leans in close to the mirror, eyes Mickey as he says “I like to see you try” in a dangerous voice that even Mickey knew was bad.

“ _ What are you going to do huh Nick. What happens if Ian finds out about us? About how fucked up we are okay. He will leave you… He doesn’t deserve this; you’re making him love someone who doesn’t exist _ !” Mickey yells at Nick trying to see if he can get him to come to his sense, but there is no use in that.

“Fuck you! I do exist and I’m real. You’re the one who’s a fucking tool okay.  He will love me no matter what.” Nick says firmly to Mickey

“Oh yeah… so why haven’t you told him yet?” Mickey asks Nick

“Not the right time…plus I’ve been doing a patch up job on things with him, since  _ you _ decided to lock us up in that fucking looney bin you shit head…. Did you know he thought I  _ left him, _ that I  _ abandon  _ him! Christ Mickey he thought he lost me, because of you!” Nick says and begins to walk away just as Mickey spoke to him again.

_ “I was there…I saw it all _ .” Mickey says to Nick

“What? What the fuck you talkin about?” Nick says

“ _ I saw you two that night… I felt everything. If you love him Nick you will let him go and let me go back home. Let us get better. Just tell me why I made you and we can get through this…Why did I create you Nick?” _ Mickey says and pleads with Nick

“What you spying on me now! …. You’re gonna be a problem for me aren’t you? … and No! You know nothing! Ian will love me no matter what; he will love us for who we are, for who I am! So when he finds out he ain’t gonna be mad at me or hate me or even stop loving me okay. And we are fine me and you. You ain’t got nothin’ worry about Mick, I’ve always taken care of us, but you ain’t never coming back out.” Nick says to Mickey who now has tears coming down his face

_ “……You can’t know that Ian will still love you… Colt would still love me, still love us. My siblings will still love us…would you quit it _ ” Mickey says

Nick is laughing at what Mickey is saying.  “You think Colt would still love you, us for that matter. Mikhailo come on. Zhe ne buty durnem khlopchyk (don’t be a fool little boy).”

Mickey was silent and was just looking at his alter.

Nick decided to break the silence. “How was it huh?”

“ _ How was What? _ ” Mickey says

“Watching me and Ian that night make love to each other…Better yet. How did it feel? Did it feel good? Did you like how he held us, how he pound into us. How he grabbed us and we fucking loved every moment he made us feel so alive! Every kiss he gave us, every fuckin bruise on our body full of pleasure….. Did you like it?” Nick asked Mickey

Mickey remains silent again not saying a word.

Nick titled his head and looks at Mickey. Mickey was embarrassed that he did like it “You did like it.” Nick laughs and turns around.  And just like that, Mickey was gone again. Out of sight, out of mind. But Nick had a bigger problem on his hands... If Ian did find out about Mickey and not from Nick himself, how would he feel about it. This was going to be a long fucking week for him as it is, and he had to get ready to go to the club.

Nick: Hey meet me at the club later on.

Ian: Ookay babe. Was gonna go C U anyways

Nick:  As long as I’m da only one yur seeing I’m fine with that.

Ian: Damn it, now I’m going to have to tell my other boyfriend I can’t see him dance no more because yur my number 1. LOL

Nick: Yu think yur funny yu shit head? Becuz I will kick yur ass.

Ian: Ha like yu can take me on.

Nick: We both know how it will end.

Ian: yeah with yu screaming my name. ;)

Nick: OMG yur an ass.

Ian: Yeah but yu love this ass

Nick: Yeah, yeah, C U 2nite. Love yu

Ian: Love yu 2.

*************************************************************************************

The club was loud the base music was making the crowd want more. The lights were dark with neon lights and flashes of colors. There were a bunch of people on the dance floor. Nick was at his usually spot dancing on the podium moving his body and shaking his ass. He moves his body to the beat of the music every time and would always receive tips from guys which was normal. Nick would flirt to get more tips out of these drunken imbecile; swerving his body slowly and seductively for them. It worked every time as they would slip big bills in his booty shorts. Ian was always jealous and overprotective of Nick. So if someone got to close to Nick, he would instantly grab them and pull them away. Nick would always roll his eyes, and look at Ian like he was crazy.  Business was business and Ian didn’t see that this was his job; he needed to make money his way. I mean at least he was not giving private VIP shows or taking guys home for money randomly anymore.

Nick is now dancing on stage and Ian steps into the club at this moment. He instantly spots Nick. It was Friday Night and yes the club was pack.  Everyone knew Ian so when he got to the bar; the bartender gave him his usually, Jack and coke. Ian stood at the bar till the song ended and Nick got down from the podium and made his way to his boyfriend, who had a bottle of water waiting for him.

“Hey Red” Nick says coming up from behind him

“Hey babe” Ian says and kisses Nick “What time you get out of work today?”

“Closing, one of the guys called out. Somethin’ about having an STD or some shit and burning when he pees! … I don’t fucking know!” Nick saya causally because that shit didn’t faze him at all.  Not his problem so he didn’t care.  It was always amazing at how Nick didn’t care or was never fazed at how much shit he seen at the club and what he saw there. Ian looks at him with a disgusting face. Yeah the guy Nick was covering was surly sick with some shit if it burned when he peed. God damn that sucked.

“What the fuck? Seriously? Don’t fucking people know how to use protection and shit.” Ian says to Nick

“Obviously not, but fuck it. I miss dancing and the atmosphere in here… It’s been awhile.” Nick says with a smile on his face. He then takes a sip of his water and then drags Ian to the dance floor.

Both Ian and Nick dance to the music that was blasting loudly. Moving with the crowd and enjoying every moment of it. Ian had Nick close to him, who didn’t mind it at all. Nick is grinding down on Ian, and Ian is reciprocating by grinding up against Nick as well. They move as one swerving their hips together in sync.  After a few songs Nick goes back to work and Ian went back to the bar.  It just so happen that Jeff was at the bar as well, leaning against it. 

Now if you remember correctly, Jeff was the new rookie that Nick got a blow job from. (Yes Ian knew about it and how Jeff was pissed at Nick and decided to hate him ever since he was left with blue balls.)  So Ian knew who Jeff was, and didn’t care for him however Jeff didn’t like Ian. Mainly because Ian was with Nick, and Jeff didn’t like Nick.  Jeff didn’t like Nick for many reasons one being he felt that Nick was a dick and didn’t care for no one but himself.  Jeff wanted to get back at Nick, wanted him to pay. For a while now Jeff thought it would be a good idea try and humiliate Nick by hooking up with some of his left overs, as he says it and give them a better fuck than Nick ever could. That didn’t work out so well, seeing as how Nick was only with Ian. Whenever Jeff could; he would try to hook up with Ian, but always managed to fail. Even after Nick threaten him, Jeff figured he would get Ian one way or another.

“Hey Ian!” Jeff says coming over to him

“Sup Jeff.” Ian says dryly hoping his tone of voice gave Jeff a message to leave him alone.

But of course that didn’t work.

“So…here to babysit Nick I see.” Jeff says to Ian leaning in a bit closer then he did before

Ian rolls his eyes and sighs “No. I’m here to enjoy the club, and chill man, nothing more. Nick being here is a bonus you know.” Ian says and went back to watching Nick.

Jeff snorts at Ians response “Okay. Well Ima go up soon and dance. Will you watch me dance?” Jeff says moving more closely to Ian and resting his hand on Ian’s thigh.

Ian removes his gaze from Nick to look at Jeff who was now caressing Ian’s thigh. Ian then places his hand over Jeff and lifts it up and moves it. He didn’t say anything to Jeff because well…. He didn’t get a chance to, as Jeff was suddenly on the floor holding his hand in pain.

See Nick saw the whole exchange and because… Well what’s a better word for pissed off, other than mad….Hmm well, he was that and more. Full with rage he jumped down from the podium walked over towards Ian and Jeff. When he saw Jeff place his hand on Ian and was caressing him. Well let’s just say Jeff was in pain now. Nick went ahead and grabbed Jeff’s hand then twists it and bangs it so hard against the bar that he thinks it broke. Especially with the way he grabbed it and twisted it and banged it hard over and over again against the bar.

“Aaaaaaaahhhhh! What the fuck Nick?” Jeff yells at Nick

“Next time you touch my man I will break your fucking face and pull out you fuckin eye and make you eat them! Blind and all!” Nick says to Jeff with much needed venom in his voice that Jeff knew he was serious.

Jeff was crying on the floor and Nick looks at Ian. So okay Maybe Ian wasn’t the only one who was a bit jealous of people going near what was his. Nick had the same problem; especially with Jeff’s dumb ass.

“You” Nick points to Ian “Next time dumb fuck puts his hands on you, break it!” Nick says to Ian, then walks away to continue his shift. Earning a smile from Ian that only made Nick want him more. Around 4 am the club was still alive, but Nick decides that he wants to go. So he got his shit from his locker room, went and got changed and went to Ian.

“Ready to get the fuck outta here?” Nick says to Ian, who just nods his head. Ian was feeling really nice due to all the drinks he was having. Nick gave it to the man, he can hold his liquor, but right now Ian was tipsy.

While exiting the club, Nick saw a familiar face that he didn’t want to see at all. Colt! Colt was standing outside with some of his co-worker and Nick didn’t see him until it was too late.

“Mickey!” Colt says

“Sorry you got the wrong guy.” Nick says to him

“Really Mick seriously? What the fuck? Collin said you were away at the hospital... something about you not feeling well… Are you okay?” Colt says

“Collin’s wrong, now I gotta go man.  Me and you were over remember. Done!” Nick says and tries to walk away when Colt then grabs his arm and tries to get Mickey’s attention. That was when Nick shoved him away and Colt fell to the ground.

Meanwhile Ian was in the car waiting for Nick, but got impatient. So he gets out of the car and walks over to where Nick was at. Over hearing and seeing everything that was happening between Nick and some guy. Ian wants to step in, but for some reason he held back and just watched.

“Don’t fucking touch me again, you got that! I’m not your boyfriend. I’m nothin to you! GOT THAT!” Nick yells out.

Ian was watching intensively now.

“Mickey, what the fuck is wrong with you.” Colt says confusingly and yet angrily as well.

Ian heard the guy call him Mickey.  _ What the fuck? _ Ian thought to himself.

“You are you piece of shit! .... I told you before, fuck you and everyone else!  Me and you are done, and don’t you fucking dare go telling Collin or his bitch of a wife where the fuck you saw me got that! Mickey no longer exists… You alls’ need to get that through yah fucking head!” Nick spat out and begins to walk off.

Colt gets up from the floor and looks at Mickey with so much disgust. He mumbles something under his breath, but Nick didn’t care to catch it. At the same time Ian had walked back to the car without Nick noticing and was standing outside of it with his hands cross.  Nick approaches him and kisses him “We have to go” Nick says and made his way inside the car.

Ian didn’t say anything about him watching the whole interaction or what he overheard the guy call Nick Mickey. He was sure that from all the alcohol that he drank he was over hearing things……

When they got home Ian went straight to bed and Nick went ahead to take a shower, the only thing now, was that Mickey was now becoming more of a problem for him. Nick started to get dizzy and then his head began to hurt. That was when he blackout.

Mickey turns around taking in the view of where he was at.  He saw that he had eyeliner on and glitter on his body.  He turns the faucet on and washes his face. He was trying too hard to fight Nick, especially when he saw Colt.  This place was different and Mickey didn’t know where he was.  He looks threw his pockets and found a phone. It was locked and he cursed under his breath.  He then walks out of the bathroom and down towards the hall. He saw a room open and in there was the red head he talked to when he was at the park. Ian was his name. Nick had been with him, Mickey was remembering now bits and pieces. Ian made him weak, Mickey’s head starts to hurt and he can hear Nick screaming to take control again.

Mickey walks further down the hall and down the stairs into what looks like a kitchen. It was dark so he couldn’t tell.  His eyes adjusted to the room and he flicks the light switch on and saw that there was a house phone. He then picks it up and starts dialling Collins Number and was trying to call him hoping and praying to god that his brother picks up the phone. With his luck, Collin doesn’t pick up, he tries Leah’s number but her phone went to voicemail. He then walks out to the living room and looks outside. It was early in the morning and the sun didn’t rise yet, but it was going to he could tell. The area looked so familiar to him, which was weird but he was in Chicago Mickey just didn’t know what part of Chicago. He calls Collin again and left him a voicemail with a detail description of where he was, hoping that his brother might find him.

Mickey throws the phone on the sofa; he then proceeds to open the front door of the house and leave. Mickey walks out of the house and opens the gate and starts walking. He didn’t know where he was at, but he wasn’t trying to stay at that guy Ian’s house. He didn’t know him.  Mickey continues walking until he stops dead in his tracks. His whole body shut down and he looks at the house that he stopped right in front of in shock, and full of emotions.  This was his old house from what he could remember as a kid. It still looks like shit, trash in the front yard, paint chipping away.

“I’m in south side of Chicago.” Mickey says to himself. He looks at the house again trying to remember his past and wondering who lives there now. It was then he felt a hand touch him and he jumps away from it.

Ian was standing there looking him like he was crazy. Mickey looks at him and steps away from him. The last time he spoke with Ian, Nick came out.  “What are you doing out here?” Ian asked

“I-a- I…” Mickey couldn’t talk. He looks around and was lost on what to say. But Ian was sleeping when he left, so how the fuck was he here in front of him “You were sleeping?” was the only thing Mickey can say.

“Yeah I was, but then the house phone went off and someone name Collin called saying where was Mickey and that Mickey didn’t know where he was at?… So what the fucks up Nick.” Ian asked tired and annoyed.

“Collin called back” Mickey says to Ian

“Yes. Now answer me! What the fuck is up with you.” Ian says to him

“I have to call my brother, I know where I’m at he can come get me.” Mickey says walking past Ian, But Ian stops him and turns him around.

Ian was now looking at Nick confused. Of course Nick knew this was the south side, but his brother and again with the Mickey thing. Who the fuck is Mickey? Granted it was like 5 in the morning but this shit was too much now. “What? Nick come on let go back and talk. You’re not making any sense right now.” Ian says

With that Mickey pulls away from Ian and shook his head. “No. Look you’re a great guy and all, but I have to go. I’m not well okay. I have to get my brother to come here to get me okay.” Mickey says and then his head starts to hurt again and he put his hand on his head like he always did when Nick was fighting for dominance over him. “Fuck” he screams out.

Ian step forward and bents down to the man in front of him “Hey come on let’s get you back to the house okay.” Ian says worrying about Nick now and wondering what he meant by he’s not well.

“No-just don’t okay, Just-” Mickey says as he looks up and his eyes were distracted at the man that was at the window looking at him from his old house. That Man looks familiar to him and he was looking at Mickey now. Mickeys’ eyes widen and tears start to form. He looks more scared and pale then anything and it frighten Ian. Ian turns to see what Nick was looking at and saw the same man at the window looking out of it.  Mickey head was now in pain and grabs his head with both his hands and closes his eyes. He was crying now and this was a different sight of that Ian had never seen him in before.

“Nick?” Ian ask cautiously

The pair of blue eyes looks up at Ian; his eyes are waters and face slightly red. “Yeah” Nick says and looks at the man in the house across from them. His expression turns dark, and Now Nick had a fire in his eyes that looks beyond deadly. If looks could kill that man that was at the window would be dead. A part of Ian knew this for some reason.

“Hey… you still with me?” Ian asked Nick

“Yeah…let’s go home now. Before I do something.” Nick says not taking his eyes off the man inside his old childhood house.

Ian leads Nick back home and they walk the four blocks back to the house.  Ian had so many questions, yet right now it seems that Nick wanted to shut himself up. Back there Nick looked like he was going to kill someone just by his look. Ian wonders what was it that made him tense up, and yet look so murderous and frighten at the same time.  Ian wants to ask Nick a few questions. Like the phone call that woke him, Nicks change in demeanor and wanting to leave with Collin. Who was in fact his brother, but yet Nick didn’t want leave. Shit this was confusing for Ian.

**_Ian was thinking about the call that he got, which woke him up. The guy on the other line was frantic and was asking for Mickey._ **

**_“Hello” Ian said tiredly and grunting sound_ **

**_“Mickey! Mickey it’s me Collin where are you?  I heard your voice message.”  The other guy on the line said._ **

**_“What man? You have the wrong number there’s no Mickey here?” Ian said annoyingly and tired_ **

**_“Is this 773-398-9095?” The man on the other line said_ **

**_“Yeah? Who the fuck are you? What do you want?” Ian said_ **

**_“Look I’m looking for my brother Mickey. He called me from this number a few times saying he didn’t know where he was at and that he needs my help. He’s sick okay so I need to find him and bring him home.”  The other man on the phone line said_ **

**_“Look ah…” Ian said_ **

**_“Collin! My names Collin?” Collin said_ **

**_“Okay Collin. There’s no one here by that name okay. I live with my sister, older brother and boyfriend. So I don’t know who’s your brother or how he used my house phone to call you okay.” Ian said to the other man on the phone whose name was Collin apparently._ **

**_“But he called from there I’m sure of it, I got the phone number on my phone as a miss call not once but like 3 times. Look maybe he broke into your house or some shit okay. But he’s about 5’7 5’8. Jet Black hair, blue eyes, muscular and has a birth mark on his right hand. Just have him call okay if you see him. He’s sick okay?” Collin said not know if this guy over the phone would have Mickey call, but right now he was desperate to find his brother at this point._ **

**_“Sure whatever man.” Ian said_ **

**_“Hey wait” Collin said quickly_ **

**_“Ugh god what man is fucking 6 something in the morning.” Ian said annoyed already. At this point he just wanted to sleep, but he did kind of felt bad for the other guy over the phone. But he was tired_ **

**_“Sorry for disturbing your beauty sleep while I’m  looking for my brother. But what area are you at.” Collin said rudely_ **

**_“Why?” Ian said irritated_ **

**_“Just in case my brother is still around there so I can go find him.” Collin said_ **

**_“South side of Chicago man. “ Ian said but before he can say where at the phone went dead.  Ian tossed the phone aside and he looks to see if Nick was laying next to him, which he wasn’t.  Ian gets up quickly and went down stairs. He saw the kitchen light on and walks towards the sofa. He saw the other house phone was on the sofa and that the house door was left open.  When he went to the door he saw a figure of Nick. So he step more out the door and walks down the house stairs. It was Nick that was walking, so Ian followed him._ **

And now they were here back at the house. Nick was silent and went straight to refrigerator to get a bottle of beer. He opens it and guzzles it down faster than Ian thought was possible. Now Ian wants answer as much as Nick looked like was pissed off, Nick had some explaining to fucking do. And shit that he was supposed to have explain to Ian about more than a few weeks ago. He still hadn’t done yet. Ian didn’t care if it was too early in the morning.

“You gonna tell me what that was about?” Ian says and leans back against the wall and crosses his arms over his chest

“What? What-what was about?” Nick says now staring back at Ian from the kitchen sink.

“Don’t fucking play dumb Nick. Tonight before we came home. I saw that mother fucker who you shoved on the floor, who you were yelling at and just now when we were outside fucking looking at that house like you wanted it to fucking burn down.” Ian says

“Ian look it’s too early in the morning for his shit okay, and you’re tired and I’m tired.” Nick says but Ian cut him off

“No! I want to know now. Start fucking explaining and I want the truth now.” Ian says raising his voice and was pissed off.

Nick sighs and rolls his eyes at Ian. “The guy from earlier tonight was a nobody babe, just drop okay, and outside I just didn’t like the feel of that house.” Nick says keeping his eyes on Ian whole time while talking to him. Nick was praying that Ian would drop the whole Colt situation and what happen outside. But like many things, that just does not happen.

“No fuck that. Seeing as I remember overhearing him call you Mickey…. You know the name you called yourself about a few weeks ago when I saw you at the park; which by the way you were nearly freak the fuck out.” Ian says looking at Nick pissed off and continues “Also seeing as I got a fucking phone call that woke me up by the way from a guy name Collin. Asking for his brother Mickey.” Ian says

Shit here it goes… the fucking one thing Nick wanted to tell Ian when was ready. Especially when they were old and gray; so much that Ian would have like memory lost or some shit. And okay so Nick didn’t want to say anything at all. Fucking Mickey got in his head and that never happened! But this was Ian and now Nick had no choice. Either come up with the truth or simply tell Ian a bullshit fib of the truth. Fucking Mickey called Collin, now he had no choice but to tell Ian….Fuck this was not good, not at all.

Nick was staring at Ian eyes widen and completely unable to answer him. Right now thought, he had no choice but to tell Ian who Mickey was. He prayed that Mickey won’t be right about Ian leaving him and not understanding. Fuck it right? Well…Here goes nothing.

“Well answer me now! What are you some kind of con artist or some shit” Ian asked Nick

“No…the shit is…” Nick huffs out and sighs before he continues “I’m Mickey, but not really.”

Ian looks at him confused “What the fuck does that mean, ‘You’re Mickey but not really?” Ian asked

“It means what it mean okay. I am Mickey, or rather Mickey is me. But I’m me I’m Nick okay. Nothing changes that Ian you have to believe me okay. I was gonna tell you but not now and you weren’t supposed to find out like that ight” Nick says to Ian all in one shot.

“You’re not making no fucking sense you know that right?  Who is Mickey rather why are you Mickey, but yet not Mickey. And you call yourself Nick? What? Are you in some identity crisis change or some shit” Ian asks slightly annoyed with his boyfriend and who the fuck he was.

“Okay look…I’m-I’m Nick okay. But on record on legal document I’m Mickey. Mikhalio actually, that was why you over heard Colt call me that.” Nick says to Ian

“Colt?” Ian questions

“Yeah the asshole I dumped my ex-boyfriend” Nick says and Ian nods his head at that.

“Okay but that doesn’t answer why when we were at the park that you freaked out on me. As if you didn’t know me, and then your brother Collin calls saying you were scared and didn’t know where you were. He said that you said for him to come and find you?  Nick you told me that your family were horrible people who wanted nothing to do with you.” Ian was ranting on

“They don’t! Fuck for Christ sake Ian they don’t want me as Nick. They want Mickey. They always want Mickey, and there not my family okay.” Nick says nearly shouting at Ian.

“What about outside just now Nick? I went to you and you acted different towards me, remember or was that a fucked up joke?” Ian says in a statement more than asking to Nick.

“Fucking a man….. No okay that was Mickey.  I-he. (Nick breathes in and out and looks at Ian and runs his hands threw his hair as he speaks now) Ugh fucking asshole just went off and appeared and I fuckin knew seeing Colt would do something to him, to have him want to fight and come out, and then he went ahead and called Collin and then decided to walk around like he fucking knows shit and now were here!” Nick says as if he was talking to himself

“So this Mickey is what, a figure of your imagination or some shit?” Ian says now Breaking Nick out of his own ranting thoughts.

“What? No-no he’s part of me….he’s might alter okay. Everyone thinks I’m sick but I’m not.  I haven’t been so free in so long. I know I’m the real me and he’s the alter.” Nick says to Ian truthfully.

“Alter… you mean like…fuck Nick… that’s a mental disorder isn’t?” Ian says looking at Nick more shocked now than he ever had.

Nick nodded his head and glares at Ian. “Yeah” For some reason Nick put his guard up quick. He was ready for Ian to tell him to get out, to tell him he was crazy and that he had to leave. But that didn’t come.

“Okay…..okay… Why didn’t say anything to me?” Ian asked

That through Nick off a bit, he was sure that Ian was going to kick his ass out or even yell at him. “I didn’t know how to… How do I tell my boyfriend ‘hey by the way, I have a mental disorder but it’s nothing right?’ come on Ian seriously.” Nick says to him.

“Still! You should have told me…Fucking Christ Nick. I’m your boyfriend, your partner, your lover you know]]” Ian says

“I don’t know okay! You know now isn’t that good enough.” Nick says back to Ian

“Yeah I know because I force you to tell me. If your brother would have never call here or for fuck sake or if I would have never went out to see where you were, would you have even told me? Would you even be here in front of my talking to me right now?” Ian asks Nick

Nick sighs and shakes his head as he answer Ian “Ian I was going to tell you when I was ready okay. I can’t answer you on whether if I would be here or not okay, cause I don’t know.” Nick says truthfully.

“Fuck me man… I can’t deal with this right now it’s to fucking-” Ian starts saying but Nick cut him off.

“Too much right? I figured… Fuck that, I thought maybe you would understand if I did tell you. I didn’t have to okay? I fucking didn’t have to say shit to you okay!” Nick says raising his voice but then his breathes in and out. He looks back at Ian and says “I’ll just go pack my shit and leave and trust me, you don’t have to bother with this shi-” Nick words gets cut off when Ian goes up to him and kisses him. Nick kisses Ian back desperately and passionately just as Ian kisses him back the same way.

Once they both break apart from the kiss, Ian looks at Nick and there’s a silence in the room before he speaks. “If you’re stupid ass would have let me finished I would have told you that it’s too fucking early in the morning for all this information. Not that this is too much; because I have handle worse shit than this or if not much weirder shit than this.” Ian says smiling down at Nick “But I love you, I love you no matter what.”

“Really?” Nick says in a disbelieve voice.

“Yes you dumb fuck. Let’s go to bed and rest and deal with this when we wake up…I have you okay. I’m sorry you felt you couldn’t tell me, but Nick. You know I would have sat and listen to you.” Ian says to him genuinely.

Nick shrugs his shoulders and looks down at the ground. He’s never let anyone see him vulnerable as he is now. But for some reason Ian can see him like this, and only Ian. “I’m used to being on my own Ian. Figure my own shit out on my own. You’re the first fuckin person I’ve trusted. The only one actually, and the only one I love. Like ever love and I ain’t want to lose that shit okay.” Nick says and his eyes become glassy, but he refuses to shed a tear, because that’s who he is.

Ian kisses Nick again; he guides him upstairs to their bedroom, where they would rest for now. They will deal with it all later on. Deal with all the questions Ian wants to ask Nick later on. Because right now they were both exhausted and both needed their sleep.  So Mickey is Nick, or rather Nick is Mickey. It was rather bit confusing but now Ian needed to rest and figure out how to help his boyfriend.

*********************************************************************************

Collin was panicking, the guy over the phone sounded like a dick. But then again it was early in the morning and Collin would be fucking cranky too if someone call him that early in the morning as well.  But he was too worried to think about anything like that. Why didn’t Mickey call him back yet? Fuck Mickey was on the south side of Chicago that much Collin knew. With that information Collin went ahead and decided to call Iggy and Mandy up tell them to meet him at his house ASAP. Right now they needed to know what was going on with Mickey. Even if Mickey didn’t want them to know, he needed to tell them now. He was going to fill Colt in on it later, seeing has he is Mickey boyfriend and all. He didn’t know if that would be a good idea, but right now he needed all the help he can get. He was sure Mickey needed all the support he can get as well once they find him.

Once Collin called Mandy and Iggy they were over at his place within about half an hour. Mandy and Iggy walk into Collins apartment with upset tired faces. He made sure the coffee pot was on and that it was fresh for them. Nothing like a fresh cup of coffee for his brother and sister right? It’s like saying sorry I’m waking you up so early in a way, buuuuut we have a crisis on our hands!

Collin waits for them to setting in before he starts talking “What I’m about to tell you and Iggy. I need you both to have an open mind okay. Just hear me out okay, and also don’t get mad with what I’m about to tell you... Both of you! I need you to understand why I kept this from you guys okay.” Collin tells both Mandy and Iggy with his eye wide awake now. They see how Collin is holding back tears, yet they don’t know why.

“Collin man what are you talking about?” Iggy says looking straight at him.

“Yeah Collin what the fuck are you going on about bro?” Mandy says right after.

There’s a silence in the room for a moment, and Collin is looking down at the floor, trying to somehow explain to his brother and sister what he meant.  He looks up at both of them and takes a deep breath in and out. Then he starts talking.

“Okay…So remember when you guys were telling me that Mickey was starting to act different. Like you said Mandy, he said he was having some memory loss, and Iggy you and Mandy told me about how he was always so grumpy which is normally him, but he looked like he wasn’t getting sleep, and how he said he was always exhausted all the time. Even when he would claim to go to bed early? And remember what you said Mandy, about his whole demeanor changing when he called you and freaking out. That he had blackout a bit then denied it automatically and he just acted different completely.” Collin says to his siblings and they both nod their heads at him. So he continues on.

“And remember when we went looking for him and I had accessed his account. Well there was purchase’s to a hotel and when we called the hotel they said he was going there with some redhead guy. And they said he was always being private at the hotel. Well what I didn’t tell you guys was when I told Mickey about it, he was shocked and acted like I didn’t know that the fuck I was talking about. And even got upset when I thought he was cheating on Colt. He literally almost chewed my head off.” They nod their heads again in acknowledgment and Collin continues talking.

“Remember a few months back when I told you guys to go to the office so we can talk about Mickey.  You both were done with him being an ass and him being really fucked up, especially to you Mandy. When we to go to him and confront him. Well the thing is...” Collin starts to say but Iggy cut him off. Iggy was tired and annoyed with a lot of shit lately, mainly because the shop was short handed since Mickey up and left without a word and Iggy had to do double the work.

“Okay but what does that have to do with anything Collin?” Iggy says out annoyed already because it’s early in the morning and he’s tired; while Mandy just leans back against her chair looking at Collin waiting for him to go on and explain whatever it is he’s trying to say.

Collin raised his eyebrows up like all the Milkovich siblings did. He instantly got annoyed because Iggy fucking wouldn’t let him finish what he is trying to say. “Okay can you fucking let me get to that before you so rudely interrupted me alright… so the shit is…” Collin says snapping at Iggy. Iggy shrugs his shoulders he and Mandy both sit up and raised their eyebrows high up just like he did. It was a Milkovich thing I guess. Collin sighs just then and begins “8 years ago, you guys remember what happened right?” Both Mandy and Iggy frown and nod their heads again in response. Collin continues on speaking. “So…you guys remember how I had to go to the police station and talk to the detectives and identify Mickey on the tapes, at least one time so that they knew it was him like a positive ID and shit.”

They nod again and Collin continues.

“Well, what I didn’t tell you guys was that I saw more than one tape. Not just one. The detectives had told me to watch the second tape and so he put on a different tape because they were concerned about Mickey’s mental state.” Collin says

“What you mean?” Mandy cut him off.

“The other tape was labelled a different name, but it was Mickey on that tape. See….Mickey called himself a different name. He didn’t call himself Mickey or Mick, he was calling himself Nick.” Collin says and looks away from his siblings trying hard to compose himself.

“Wait. What?” Iggy says. And at the same time Mandy says “What do you mean?”

“There were tapes of Mickey or of Nick. Mickey would call himself this person. I literally saw DVDs and Tapes with labels on them with Mick/Nick. Mostly all of them if not all were labelled Nick/Mick… I didn’t think…I mean…. But when the guy on the tape asked Mickey his name the first time I saw it, he said his name. He said his name was Mickey. He was just an innocent little boy and he looked scared but not so much. Like- But then…… in the second Video when he asked him his name again, he said it was Nick. You can tell he was crying and he…..” Collin looks at the floor again and was trying to brace himself to continue.

“He looked like he had no emotion. Like he was trying to be strong and not think or feel. But he said his name was Nick. He wasn’t Mickey. I told the doctors about it when I took him in to get checked up, and they recommend for him to see like a fucking therapist of something like that; but I figured that since Mickey didn’t remember anything, that there was no point in having them pick his fucking memory like he was a fucking lab rat. Trying to get information out of him, I didn’t want that! And I sure as hell didn’t want him to remember something he forgot…. I just… I thought I was keeping him safe but know I’m not sure.” Collin says looking at Mandy and Iggy who look at Collin like he had two heads growing out of his body.

“So wait a minute…. Okay hold on. You’re telling me, that there was video of Mickey calls himself Nick and you decided not to what! I don’t fucking know! Not tell us!” Iggy was angry, shocked and annoyed at the information Collin was telling him. Mandy just stood silent listening to her brothers talk.

“Yes….Yes that is what I am telling you guys.” Collins says back to Iggy.

“Collin  _ WHAT THE FUCK! (Iggy screams out)  _ Do you have any idea what children of that kind of abuse most likely face with as adults if they don’t receive any help…..Shit man why didn’t you tell us!? Why the fuck did you not say anything to us?  Is that why when Mickey ran away when he was 14 then again at 16, and we fucking couldn’t find him for almost 3 month till the police found him and he was living from house to house down on the southside with random fucking people?” Iggy was practically yelling at his older brother now.

“Honestly Ig’s I have no idea okay! I don’t know! I always figured he was acting out okay. Even when we ask him he would say he didn’t know why, but he was there and he just acted like Mickey. He was young of course he was going to act out! What fucking kid doesn’t’! Shit we did.” Collin says

“YEAH WE DID!  But we weren't raped and abused like he was. We weren’t beaten down on from Terry like he did to Mickey, and we weren’t practically sold as a whore as a child for Terrys pockets like he was!” Iggy says in rage and then continues.  “SO are you telling me his whole fucked up behavior and black out and shit he’s been having has to deal with what exactly!? Because right now, I don’t know what the fuck to think Collin!  Right now, I’m fucking confused. How can Mickey, not be Mickey when he was kid if-if that’s what you’re saying.” Iggy ask Collin

“The doctors had asked me if we had any history of Mental illness or if Mickey had experience anything like depression or odd behaviors. But honestly he was okay. He just didn’t remember anything. I took him to the doctors to make sure he was okay.  They did a fucking mental health assessment and found he was okay which I guess alarmed them, because Mickey had no memory whatsoever about what happened to him. So I figured-“Collin didn’t get to finish because then….

Then Iggy suddenly cut him off “You figured what huh Collin? Figured it would be the easy way out huh? For fuck sack if the doctors felt that he needed to continue some kind of treatment or some shit why you didn’t let them! Who the fuck gives you the right to say no huh. WHY?!” Iggy was upset now.

If Mickey needed the help why didn’t Collin just get him the help even if Mickey didn’t remember it? Collin had not right to do that. Even now Iggy didn’t like that he and his siblings lied to Mickey about Terry. Or about why they had to move away from their house when he was younger. Even though that house had nothing but bad memories; but lying to Mickey was wrong, Iggy knew why and yeah sure he agreed with Collin in not telling Mickey they truth. But now if Mickey is so called sick and Collin knew he was when he was younger. Then this is Collins fucking fault.

“Why!? You want to know why?! Because I refused to put MY little Brother through any of that kind of shit again!” Collin voice was starting to get higher in volume as he was talking to Iggy.  “He was okay! H-He was still my baby brother, who didn’t remember anything that happened to him over the years Terry had him under that fucking roof okay!  SO DON’T YOU FUCKIN-He didn’t remember anything NOTHING OF WHAT THOSE SICK FUCKS DID TO HIM!... So fuck you for thinking I didn’t give a fuck about him and thought I took the easy way out okay. YOU! (Collin was trying to control his breathing) …. YOu didn’t have to see that video and hear him and see he was just this fucking 4 year old boy scared and frightened okay. So fuck you!....” Collin chocks at the last words he says. He was nearly at the brink of tears and turns away from his brother and sister to collect himself; because now he was crying.

If there was one thing that stood with Collin being a Milkovich, it was that Terry raised him not to show any weakness. He was the oldest and he couldn’t show any sign of weakness, not the slightest bit of it. Because then that meant that everyone around him would fall apart.  And right now he needs that not to happen. So Collin wipes his eyes quickly and collects himself before he turns to look at his brother and sister.

The room was silent now. No one said nothing and Collin turns to look at Mandy and Iggy. Mandy was looking at the floor and hadn’t said a word. Iggy was looking around the room trying not to look at Collin………………..It was Mandy who broke the silence in the room.

“So…. Okay. So, what do you think? What-what, what do we do if you think something is wrong with Mick? Because right technically he’s an adult. We can’t force him to see a doctor or some shit…Plus how do we even know if he is sick or if he’s just being a big fucking dick.” Mandy says.

“That’s another thing I need to tell you guys… When I had got you guys to the office to talk to you about Mickey I wasn’t sure if he was sick. I just had that feeling. So I called Leah, she told me to find him and talk to him, but even she knew something was off with him when I describe to her everything. I had been doing some research before that, and what I found. I found a few things, but in order for anything to be concrete we would have to take him to a doctor. Maybe even confront him to see if any of what I was assuming was true. So I started looking for him and I even told Colt and some of the guys at the job that if they saw Mickey to call me immediately.” Collin says

“Okay so let’s find him and confront him okay. Plus if we do, what makes you think he’s not going to fucking flip the fuck out and attack us or worse deny it. It would be our word verses his Collin… And doctors want proof okay.” Mandy tells Collin.

“That’s the thing Mands, I did find him. After those month of asking you guys if you saw him and nothing. Colt was the one who found him down town near a dinner or some shit. So I went ahead and I took the car and drove off.” Collins says

“That’s why you left the meeting that day?” Iggy asked and Collin, and Collin nods his head

“Yeah, that was about a month or so ago. But anyway I found him because of Colt. I went to him and he was different.  He tried to push me away and I fought with him. But I just kept arguing with him and then he was getting a bad headache and nearly collapsed on me.  Then he looked up at me and he was different again. Like he was our Mickey again, I don’t know how to explain that really. He was so confused and he didn’t know where he was… He freaked out when I told him the date and then he began to break down and so I took him back to my place….Leah and her Friend Doctor Charlene were here waiting for us. Charlene’s a psychiatrist, so she evaluated Mickey and did whatever psychologists do or some shit.” Collin says

“What happened next?” Iggy asks

“She ah…she did her assessment and put him under hypnosis without us knowing. She fucking said that he has like multiple personality disorder, Dissociative Identity disorder.  I didn’t believe it until I saw his alter.  Nick. His alter is Nick. I fucking talked to him and everything. He is so different from Mickey, like a person.  He’s left handed, he stand differently his whole posture everything was different. Not Mickey, not our Mickey. He was like really fucking mean too, like beyond fuck up, he has no fucking emotions whatsoever or value for emotions or people feelings. The shit he said to Charlene even I was offended and it takes a lot to offend me…..So after she took him out of his hypnosis; we knew what we were dealing with. Mickey checked himself into the mental institution as a voluntary in patient.  He said he kinda always knew he had someone but he didn’t know in a way.” Collin says waiting for Mandy or Iggy to say something to him

“So he’s in the hospital like right now?” Mandy ask

“No. that’s the thing he left. We don’t know where he is or if he is even him or Nick.”   It was Leah who now spoke from the doorway looking at her husband and brother and sister in law.

Everyone looks at her and she continues to talk to them. “Mickey at this moment, we think broke out. From the tapes it seems like he planned it, but it can be his alter that took control of him.  When we tested Nick his IQ was above average. He’s one smart son of a bitch. Which is why when you Mandy told Collin about him speaking Ukrainian he was able to; it’s common with individuals who have a mental disorder such as this. They talk differently, act differently, and speak differently languages. I won’t be surprised if he knows how to speak more than one language.  Patients with this disorder even see differently as far as sight is concern, some will use glasses, others won’t need them at all. Some even believe that they’re a different gender which has happened.  Someone with D.I.D can come in with symptoms that they won’t have, but there alters will have it, or vice versa. Some alter will have certain things symptoms that their individual won’t have. Think of it as if say for instance Mickey can have an allergic reaction to something, but when his alter appears his alter won’t have that same reaction or allergy.  The blackout occurs and Nick appears which is why Mickey was having so many headaches.”

“So how does he get better? And where is he if the hospital lost him?” Iggy asked

“Well we have to find him, and he has to come in willingly, if not we have to prove he is a threat to himself and others. But as far as help goes, we have to be his support system. He has to go through extensive therapy, hypnosis which Dr. Jimenez did with him and again lots of support.  Integration is going to be hard and takes a long process of time.” Leah says

“What is integration?” Iggy asked

“It’s when bringing both Mickey and his alter together so they can be as one again. So he can be a whole person and not a split person.  Mickey needs to find out what happen to him as a child in order for him to move on and get better. It’s why he created Nick.” Collin says. He made sure to do as much research on his brothers’ disorder, in order to better understand everything.

“It’s more complicated than that” Leah says. “See Nick said that we didn’t know everything and that what was on the tapes wasn’t everything. So even telling Mickey what happen to him may bring out Nick but there’s more to it. Telling Mickey prematurely can be bad, he can become catatonic, or worse. He could call for Nick and Nick would be present for a long time, even moving Mickey far into his mind to a point where it would be years before we see Mickey as himself.  But for all we know Nick could be lying to us as well, just so he can continue to be Mickeys alters and not merges with him.” Leah says and finished.

”I also managed to talk to the old detective who was in charge of the case years ago. Turns out he’s a Captain and he remembers us, well me and him have kind of stood in contact over the years. Anyway I asked him if there was a way to get the files on Mickey to a doctor an expert, along with the videos. He sounded a little concern, but when I told him that something was wrong with Mick. He didn’t hesitate to help; in fact he help me put the request in and was able to help me, that was when Leah told me about Charlene and she got the files and tapes. The captain also put out a missing person report for Mickey in case anyone see him to contact him and he will contact me.” Collin tells Mandy and Iggy.

“Okay so what do we do now? What’s the plan?” Mandy says as Collin looks up at her and then to Iggy.

“We find Mickey… Bring him home and help him. Even if he is kicking and screaming…. Plus I have feeling I might know where he’s at right now. So we have to get a move on now before he disappears.” Collin says and with that everyone up and alert ready to find Mickey and bring him home.


	13. Looking for Mickey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to edit this story as much as I can. xoxoxo Hope you all enjoy this. I should be putting up more edit work soon. 
> 
>  
> 
> Here is another chapter. Let me know what you think. I hope this one is a good one. Again all mistakes are my doing. the next few chapters are about to get heavy. Please note I am starting school again so I'm going to try and write as much as I can and post as much as I can. Comment I love to read so please do comment let me know what you think.

Collin, Mandy, and Iggy went out to the south side of Chicago to start searching for Mickey.  Collin had called Captain David McCain to inform him about the call Mickey had sent him. Collin gave the Captain the number Mickey had called him from so that maybe the captain can somehow track down the place where Mickey was at.  The three siblings each took their car and drove around to see if they can somehow spot their brother and ask around at some of the local stores showing his picture around.

Every spot was a bust, no one saw their brother, so it was difficult search. Mandy walks into a dinner hoping and praying to god that maybe she would get a hit.  She walks up to the counter and there was a young redhead girl standing there writing something down on her notebook.

“Hi...um” Mandy looks at her name tag “Debbie! Hi! I was wondering if you can help out.” Mandy asked

Debbie smile at Mandy and then spoke “Sure, what can I do for you?” Debbie says

Mandy Smiles and nods her head “Okay so my little brother Mickey has been missing; and apparently he must have been around here in the south side recently, so would you look at this photo and let me know if he looks familiar, or if you have seen him.” Mandy says and shows Debbie a picture of Mickey.

Debbie looks at the picture and was shocked to see Nick, but apparently his name was Mickey and he had siblings?  What the fuck. Debbie looks and stared at the picture trying not to look shocked at the picture.  She seemed to linger on the pictures but for some reason she goes with her gut instinct and shakes her head no to the young dark haired Brunette woman in front of her.  Looking at her now, she kind of resembles Nick, Blue eyes, pale skin and dark jet black hair.

“So have you seen him around?” Mandy asked when Debbie didn’t say anything after looking at the picture for a few moments. She must have not seen Debbie shake her head No.

“No. No, sorry I can’t say that I have.” Debbie says calmly, not knowing why she was lying but again her gut feelings told she should and that it was best.

“Fuck.” Mandy sighs. “I was hoping for a fucking breaking….” Mandy says looking frustrated.

“Sorry I can’t be more help to you, um?” Debbie said looking guilty at Mandy

“Mandy. My names Mandy and my little brother who apparently is not well, is named Mickey. Me, and my two older brothers have been looking for him all day. It’s like he fucking disappeared from the face of the earth.” Mandy says looking down at her phone even more frustrated.

“You said he’s not well. Is there like something wrong with him?” Debbie asked curiously. She knew she had no right to ask a complete stranger a question so personal, but then again this was Nick. Her brothers’ boyfriend, someone she was close with. Unless Nick had a twin they knew nothing about. Or a family… This was all puzzling to Debbie but she kept her cool and was prepared for the girl in front of her to possible snap at her and tell her to mind her own fucking business.

“Yeah. Actually my older brother said something about him being sick, but honestly I rather see it to believe. But then again some of the shit my older brother Collin was saying sounded weird but also right… it’s hard to explain really. I even did some research about what my brother told me on my younger brother Mickey. Still can’t believe it in a way.” Mandy says sadly.

Debbie must have notice Mandy tone and tried to cheer her up by giving her a chocolate milkshake. “Here you go, on the house. My special Chocolate Milkshake. Extra chunky.” Debbie says

“Thanks Debbie.” Mandy smiles “You know my brother love chocolate. Fucker use to literally have a jar full of differently chocolate candy bars, and would have a chocolate milk like every night when we were younger and even now his crazy ass adult he is….He used to call me over on the weekends and we would sit in front of the TV playing video games and smoking, and drinking are fucking chocolate milk….” Mandy says looking distantly away as if she was remembering moments she had with her little brother that she did miss so much.

“Well, I hope this makes you feel a little better.” Debbie says softly to her.

Mandy sat down and drank her milkshake texting her brothers back and forth. Letting them know she had no leads. Meanwhile Debbie went ahead text Ian.

Debbie: I need to talk to you!

Ian: Ok. Is everything okay?

Debbie:  NO! Someone came in looking for someone named Mickey who looks like Nick. Do you know anything about that?

Ian: Fuck! Did you tell them anything? What did they look like? Who was it? Did you get a name?

Debbie: No. But Ian what’s up? Why does this girl have a picture of Nick and is saying he’s Mickey, her brother?

Ian: Look Deb’s don’t say nothing to her. Just lie I guess okay. I’ll explain everything when you get home.

Debbie:  Okay. You fucking better because right now I’m feeling bad for even lying to her. She kind of looks sad, but at the same time stressed. So is that Nick?

Ian: Debs when you get home I will explain. Plz Trust me.

Debbie: Okay -_-

Debbie looks up from her phone just in time for Mandy to wave her goodbye, and Debbie did the same to her. Yeah Ian and Nick were going to have to explain a few things to her. Because right now she definitely has a lot of questions.

********************************************************************************************

Ian looks at his phone and cursed himself.  Someone was looking for Nick, and that was not good. Ian got home and instantly went to find Nick, who was sleeping in their bed holding Ian’s pillow.  Ian didn’t want to wake him, as he looked like he was having a great dream and he looked just so peacefully. He walks over to Nick and kisses him on his cheek. Nick smiles but made no effort to move or wake up.  So Ian went ahead and gave him a kiss on his forehead, then on his eyes which were closed still shut. Ian kisses Nick again on his cheeks, then his noise and then his lips. It was then that Nick looks up and Ian and smiles at him.

Nick grabbed Ian by his shirt and pulls him down for a more passion kiss, gripping Ian’s hair and making his boyfriend moan. After they stop kissing Ian lifts his head smile down at his boyfriend and Nick smiles up looking at his Ian. “Hey” Nick says lowly.

“Hey” Ian says softly and then continues “We have to talk.” Ian says more seriously.

Nick raised his eyebrow and says “aight… is everything okay?....Are you mad about the whole Mickey things and me? Because I tried to explain the best I can-” Nick says but was cut off by Ian

“No. You know I’m not. I’m still kind of confused about it, and I still have some more questions about it. We definitely need to talk more about it.  But right now we have problem.”  Ian says to Nick. Before Ian had left to do errands Nick had explain to him that his sister and brothers are probably looking for him and want to put him in a hospital against his own will nonetheless. Which would mean that he would be taken away from Ian; and Ian didn’t like that. Nick told him about Collin, Iggy, and Mandy, about how much he didn’t like them and how horrible they were. He talked about who Mickey was and tried to explain to Ian about how him and Mickey are different People. He talked about Colt Mickey’s ex. Let’s just say Ian wanted to fuck Colt up if he ever saw him after learning What Colt was like.

This was when Nick sat up and looks at Ian curiously. “Why what happen?” Nick asked now fully up.

“Debbie said that some girl was looking for you, showed her a picture and all and said your name was Mickey.” Ian tells him

“Fuck! What the Fuck? What did she say to her?” Nick says worrying about the outcome. He was about to get up and start packing his shit. But Ian eased him down with what he says next.

“Don’t worry okay. Debbie lied and said she hasn’t seen you, or recognized you. But we have to explain to her now about you and Mickey and… the whole multiply personality thing.” Ian says making a weird face as he said it

“Fuck” Nick groaned “Your sister gonna think I’m fuckin nuts.” Nick says looking away from Ian, mentally imaging Debbie’s reaction to what he was going to tell her.

“No she not. She’s like me; you just need to explain to her everything and she will understand. I mean you’ve spent time with her, so you know she won’t judge you.” Ian says looking at his boyfriend

“FUCK!” Nick says pulling Ian’s pillow to his face and burying himself in it. Ian grabs the pillow and pulls Nick towards him holding him now.  He bends over and kisses his boyfriend, and just as the kiss was becoming more passionate and erotic…. Just then Debbie walks in their room with her arms crossed over her chest and one eyebrow raised. Slams the door shut and looks at them both on the bed

They break apart from kissing and Nick and Ian look at one another and then they both look back at her, but it was Nick who spoke first. “The fuck you wanna know freckles?” That was his nickname for Debbie.

“First of all, Whose Mickey, Are you Mickey?  Do you have siblings or where you lying to me when you said you had none and that they were dead?  Are on the run? Is that girl I met really your sister? And also why was a girl named Mandy looking for her brother named Mickey that looks a lot like you?” Debbie says.

“So it was Mandy?  Fuck. Collin must have told Iggy and her. Fucking dick heads need to just leave me the fuck alone.” Nick says but Debbie was still waiting for an answer so Nick gave it to her “Mickey is me, and he does have siblings, which are dead to me, because I don’t have siblings. So no, in a way I was not lying and Mandy is Mickey’s sister not mines.” Nick explains to her.

“What? So okay what you mean ‘Mickey is me’ and why do you refer to him as another person if you are him?” Debbie asked confusingly at what Nick is telling her.

“See the shit is Freckles, I’m more than one person apparently or some shit okay. Mickey’s not real. I am, but Mandy, which I am assuming Collin, told her and Iggy about it. They want to put me in the hospital and rule my life and ruin it. Take me away from Ian and you and I’m not gonna have that shit. There not my family. Their Mickeys family and he’s not here. If I have anything to fuckin say about it, he gone.” Nick says telling Debbie

“What? Why would they do that? Why take you away? I mean can’t you just talk to them and have them leave you alone?” Debbie asked. As much as a fighter she was; Nick admired her innocent and sweet side of trying to reason with people. However some people can’t be reasoned with.

“It’s not that simply freckles, they want Mickey. They don’t want me, let alone see me as a real person. But I am real… I have feelings and emotions like everyone else. They just want to bury me and get rid of me permanently. And I refuse for any of those mother fuckers to try.” Nick says firmly

“Okay…. It’s just… she seemed sad. Mandy…um, Mickey sister.  You guys do kind of look alike (with that comment Nick glared at her for saying it, but Debbie didn’t care she spoke to truth with him always) Like she was missing her best friend or some shit. But she even said she didn’t believe your older brother. And something about you loving chocolate apparently or Mickey anyways.” Debbie says, she was still confused with the whole I’m not Mickey thing and they want Mickey and not him.

“Hell fuckin no I don’t like chocolate. Shit is not for me, I prefer vanilla you know that” Nick says smirking at her trying to forget the conversation they just had.

“Yeah I know. Brought you guys some shakes. Their down stairs in the freezer.” Debbie says and walks up to Ian and smacks him in the head then punches Nick in the arm hard.

“Ouch” Ian says just as Nick says at the same time “What the fuck?”

“That will teach you bitches to keep shit from me, and not fill me in okay.” Debbie says looking at both of them.

“I just found out. Why am I being hit?” Ian says more than asking.

“Because you guys are a package deal, One gets hit, so does the other.” Debbie says smiling at them.

“Fuck you” Nick says with no heat and gives Debbie the middle finger. “Just remember don’t say shit okay freckles. If someone comes looking for me or Mickey, ight I ain’t here. You don’t know me and you never saw me.” Nick says to Debbie

“Yeah I know. Just make sure you keep making Ian happy and I won’t have to slit your throat.” Debbie says with a devilish smile.

“That’s my girl” Nick says and smiles back just as devilish as her smile is.

“God you guys are fucking nuts” Ian says and they both punch him in the arm. “Ouch! You fucking bitches.” Ian says laughing but then----

Just then there was some hard knocking at the door, and they stop laughing. Debbie went down stairs and Ian was right behind her.  Debbie opens the door to 3 men our standing at the door.  Ian saw the men at the door and went to stand next to his sister. At the same time Nick got up slowly because he didn’t want to move from bed. He gets up and makes his way slowly down the stairs but then instantly holds back when he heard a familiar voice at the door.

“Hello. My name is Captain David McCain, this is office Rider and this is Mr. Collin Milkovich; can we speak to one Ian Gallagher or Fiona Gallagher.” Captain McCain says

“Fiona does live here anymore, and what do you want with my brother?” Debbie says and instantly becomes defensive and louder than she should.  She’s hoping that Nick heard her and stays up stairs.  She instantly recognizes those same blue eyes on the guy name Collin.

“Debs” Ian says coming to the door. “Hi. I’m Ian how can I help you?” Ian says

“May we come in.” Captain McCain says

“Sure.” Ian says and opens the door further so all three men can come in. Debbie looks at him in protest, but doesn’t say anything.

The three men walk into the Gallagher house carefully looking around their surrounding area. They notice different pictures of what seems to be the siblings of Ian and Debbie. The men saw Ian’s graduation photo from the military.  Captain McCain took a mental note of this, so that he was able to do more investigation on said one Ian Gallagher.  He knew the new rookie was about to graduate the academy, but he wasn’t able to do much digging in just yet.

“You’re an ex-military man I see?” Office Rider says to Ian

“Uh yeah…why? You a fellow brother?” Ian asked unamused

“No. My brother was actually.” Officer Rider says informing Ian

Ian nods his head “Cool.” Ian says dryly

“Why are you here?” Debbie says firmly and coldly. She doesn’t like uninvited guest in her home.

“Ms. Gallagher & Mr. Gallagher, we’re here because we trace your house phone number to here from Mr. Milkovich cell phone.” Captain McCain points at Collin then continues “This man right here (Captain McCain shows them a picture of Nick) is missing. His brother Collin who you spoke to not too long ago-“  Captain McCain was cut off just then

“Yes I did, and like I said to him. There is no one here by that name that lives here.” Ian says

That was when Collin spoke “Then how did he use your phone? My brother called from this number, from this house. You have to have had saw him or at least” Collin says irritated and annoyed at the whole fucking situations that was happening right now.

“I’m sorry.” Ian starts to say but then Debbie cut him off

“Look if my brother said he hasn’t seen your brother than he hasn’t okay.  This is the southside; people break into other people’s houses all the time. Plus we don’t lock our doors at night.”  Debbie says at the men in front of her. She wanted them to leave and was getting upset.  She saw the picture and new it was Nick, but after what she found out recently. Her brother and Nick would be separated and that would hurt her even more to see Ian said.  Also who puts their family member or forces them into a hospital. That is just fucked up. Plus she was close with Nick as well, and call her selfish but she refuses to lose her new family member. He was there for her at her darkest times… You can’t lose a person like that, a person who understood.

“Why not? Why don’t you lock your doors at night?” Officer Rider says

“Why all the fucking questions?” Debbie snaps defensively.

“Debs” Ian says in a warning voice

“No! Why the fuck would they ask or want to know if we lock our doors or not.  It’s not like we have anything here for anyone to fucking take? Are they that fucking stupid or blind or can’t they not see!” Debbie says to Ian not paying attention to the men in front of her and not caring if she offended them.

“My sister’s right. We don’t really lock our doors, especially the back door. We leave it open….Kind of always been a habit since we can remember.” Ian says

Captain McCain nods his head and starts to walk around the living and towards the kitchen. He wanted to look around the house to see if there was anything suspicious because right now. His gut feeling was telling him that both these Gallagher’s knew more than what they were saying.  He saw a few things such as an expensive laptop, and keyboard, along with some DJ equipment on top of the washing machine. Those were expensive things… was it not?  He was looking more around the kitchen had notice a few more things. The usual inside a house sink of dirty dishes.  3 sets of plates, cups and a few different utensils> Looking around more he was able to see 3 pairs of shoes at the door, and three pairs of keys handing on the hook of the wall.  So that means there was a third person home. But where was that third person and who was that third person?

“Does anyone else live here with you, besides your sister of course?” Captain McCain says to Ian.

“My Brother, but he’s in and out a lot” Ian says

“So is he here, I would like to speak to him.” Says Captain McCain

“No!” Ian says quickly

“Really. Because I couldn’t help but notice you have 3 pairs of shoes and keys here. And all I see are two of you here right now at this moment.  Which means either someone else is here am I right?” Captain McCain says

“Those are my boyfriends, but he’s not here. He left for the rest of the day.”  Ian says

“So when I asked you if he someone else lives here with you. Why didn’t you include your boyfriend?”  The Captain asked. He wasn’t a good cop for no reason. He paid attention to a lot of details, especially when people spoke to him.

“Because he sometimes stay here with me, or at his place. “ Ian simply says

“But are those his keys and shoes? Because if they are which I’m assuming they are, than that mean your boyfriend lives here as well” The Captain said eyeing Ian “Plus, he so just happened to just leave his keys and shoes here” Captain McCain says suspiciously.

“Well yeah…he’s a dancer and he doesn’t take his keys with him as often because I always pick him up from the club. Or I drive him home to his place where I have a spare key as well” Ian says swiftly.  It was true though, Nick only did take his key when he needed to run errands or pick up him or Debbie from work.

“That’s interesting.” Captain McCain wasn’t really falling for this story at all. But went with it anyway. “Well I would like to speak to him, to see if he has seen the young Mickey.” Captain McCain says

“You Can’t” Debbie says

“Why is that?” Captain McCain says suspiciously

“Because he’s not here and he’s at work.” Ian says interrupting Debbie who was trying to help, but was kind of making things worse. Debbie was very defensive of the people she had in her life that matter, but she was making them look guilty, which in a way they kind of were. Nick is Mickey or rather Mickey is Nick. This shit was just confusing as hell, and he was upstairs at the moment.

“Well where does he work?” Captain McCain asked

“Boys-town. The fairy-tale to be exact.” Debbie says. That was a lie, Debbie was doing most of the talking. But what she didn’t realize, she kind of was making it worse. She didn’t want Ian to get himself into so much trouble, because he was still in the academy. Plus lying to the captain and another officer would end any career he had as an officer.            

“Okay I think I can go there and ask for him and ask a few question. Officer Rider I want you to take Collin home okay.” Captain McCain says

“What? Why?” Collin said instantly upset

“Because it’s getting late and right now, searching for Mickey at night is not going to help. He’s probably home maybe or somewhere else at the moment. But for now we know he’s not here.” Captain McCain says giving out little information for the Gallagher to here. If they knew where Mickey was at, they would end up warning him. He didn’t want that. He promised Collin and his sibling he would help. Sure he was close to the old case that he solved all those years ago but he felt like he needed to do this. As if he was obligated to do it. But right now he didn’t want to think of that.

“My brother is mentally ill; He’s probably hurt or even worse. I can’t just fucking go home and wait around.” Collin says angrily.   

“Mentally ill?” Ian and Debbie says at the same time.

“Yeah. Mickey, he’s sick and me and my siblings are trying to find him and bring him home. Where he belongs.” Collin says sternly to both the redheads in front of him.

“Well look, if we see him then I guess we’ll give you a call or something okay.” Debbie says and goes to the door and opens it. Waiting for the 3 men to leave the house.

“Oh, and a one more thing. What’s your boyfriends name?” Captain McCain says asking Ian directly

Shit. Was all Debbie could think; because right now, she needs to come up with a name so that Ian didn’t lie. Instead of her speaking it was Ian who said something.

“Angel face…. They don’t call the dancer at the club by their real names. You won’t get nothing out of no one even if you show your badge Captain.” Ian says to him calmly.  The shit was that Ian wasn’t really lying per-say. See Nick’s stage name so happened to be Angel, which was true, but the face part of the name wasn’t. Plus no dancers would speak to a cop, it was something they refused to do.

“Okay then. Thank you.” Captain McCain says. The man had such a deep voice that you had to wonder if he was being sincere or not. Oh well, Ian and Debbie did not care at the moment they just wanted the men out of the house at this moment.

***********************

While all three men exited the house Nick was at the top of the staircase in the shadow looking down and overhearing everything the whole time.  Hearing Collin’s voice was giving Nick a slight headache. Mickey wanted to come out and now he was yelling at Nick.

“ _ Collin! Collin! I’m here!.....God Damn it Nick. You can’t keep me away from my family _ .” Mickey yells out.

Nick ignored Mickey and just rubbed his head.

_ “Are you just going to ignore me! Nick! Nick! Answer me damn it. Let me out Now!” _ Mickey demanded.

Nick walks into his bedroom and sits down on his bed and then lies down shutting his eyes.  He was tired from Mickey’s yelling and complaining. It was annoying so he just wanted to ignore him and hopefully he would go away.

_ “ _ Leave me alone Mickey.” Nick says calmly, which was new for him even.

“ _ No! We have to go home. Please Nick. You can’t do this on your own. We need help we need to go home. We need to do something. Stop running please.” _ Mickey begs

“Leave me Alone! Go away for fuck sacks Mickey! I don’t need you nagging me ight.” Nick says sitting up and looking at the mirror in front of him talking to Mickey who was standing with his arms crossed over his chest. “We are home ight. This is our home. So fuck off!” Nick says

What Nick and Mickey didn’t know; was that Debbie and Ian were outside looking at Nick as he was talking to himself while looking in the mirror. From there point of view, Nick looked like a crazy person. But to Nick he was just talking to someone. That was when Ian walks in and says.

“Babe?” Ian says

Nick was pulled away from his argument and looks at Ian “what” Nick says now looking at Ian.

“You okay?” Ian says cautiously

“Yeah. Why?” Nick says.

“Nothing just wondering…..I overheard you and-“ Ian says but was cut off before he can finish his thought.

“It’s nothing okay. He’s gone…..Mickey’s gone.” Nick says and looks at the mirror to see him and not an image of Mickey.

“Okay…..You sure…I mean is everything okay? I kind of felt bad…I just-” Ian asked curiously in a soft tone of voice.

Nick walks towards Ian and grabs the side of Ian’s face and pulls him close to him. “I’m fine” Nick whispered. He then lifts his head up to Ian and captures his lips. Trying to reassure Ian that he was okay by physical contact.  Nick holds Ian’s waist and tries to bring Ian closer to him. Ian replies by cupping Nick’s face and kissing him more passionately. Kissing one another made it feel like they were more alive and inside their own world, where no one can touch them there.

Ian holds onto Nick tightly after they kissed. He was scared and afraid that he might lose Nick. Yeah this whole situation was beyond him. Crazy in fact, but right now he didn’t want to think about nothing but the man in front of him. Was Ian wrong for not saying anything? Was he wrong from keeping Nick away from his family or Mickey? .... But then again how could he. Nick was a real person like everyone else and Nick told him that over and over again.  Ian felt like he was being stupid and dumb and that he was being selfish. But at the same time, Nick choose Ian, choose to be with him, love him, care for him, shit even choose Ian when he was at his lowest. When Ian felt like he didn’t deserve happiness. Nick choose him. 

Nick held on to Ian just as close and felt himself become much stronger with his touch.  If Collin wanted Mickey back, then he was up for a fight, because there was no way in fucking hell Nick was going to let Mickey out. The way he said that Mickey needs to be home with his family… that… that ‘needs to’ No. Nick was home, was with his family he made. So why the fuck couldn’t they leave him alone…… Mickey… it’s always Mickey…… Mickey wasn’t strong enough to fight Nick……Right?

********************************************************************************************

A few days later Captain McCain and Officer Rider went to the Fairytale in boys-town looking for Ian Gallagher’s boyfriend, who was dancing tonight. His name so happens to be Angel face. Turns out, that was a dead end. It seems that Angel face apparently didn’t work there anymore… how convenient. Yeah right, something here was not right. And Captain McCain knew it. It’s just that he couldn’t figure out what.  See what he didn’t know was that Nick paid off the dancer and bartenders at the club to say that he use to work there. So just in case anyone asked, they just say he left and doesn’t work there no more. Nick had also physically and verbally threaten the bouncers and the owner of the club to say he use to work there, just for good measure. He told him that if the Captain or anyone showed up there to them with a picture of him asking if they saw him recently, to keep their mouth shut. I mean it’s not like he threaten them… Nope he did no such thing. I swear he didn’t.

Captain McCain had Officer Rider check out the other clubs around the area. When he got to the Whitehall he asked around about a worker named Angel face and he also showed a picture of Mickey just in case he might have been here or if someone has seen him.  Everyone he talked too said no and said they didn’t know who that was. But of course they were lying. The Whitehall was where Nick worked at, and it just so happens, that Nick spotted the officer before the officer spotted him.  He jumps down from the stage and walks over to some guy and grabs him from where he was at. He then leads him to the VIP room. Nick shut the door quickly and let the other man do whatever the fuck he was doing. The guy tried to grab Nick’s ass, but Nick shoves him away and tells him to not to touch him. Nick opens the door to see if they officer was still there. He was still talking to a few people and was looking at the dancer dance… FUCK! Just his luck! The fucking cop was gay, he was literally checking out the guys at the club.  What the fuck! Just Nick’s luck, this shit fucking sucks now. How the hell was he going to get out of this one? His cell phone is in his locker and doesn’t even work maybe, and he doesn’t have it on him right now! Fuck! He wished these booty shorts had pockets or some shit and fuck!

“I’ll pay you for a blow job” He hears from the guy he dragged in with him tell him.

“Fuck off creep” Nick says with so much heat in voice.

“Come on man. You dragged me in here, least you can do is something for me?” the man says

“One lap dance is all you get. No touching, not grabbing got it. One fucking touch and I will break every fucking bone in your hands” Nick says, scowling the man in front of him.

“Whatever?” The man says

Nick didn’t want to give this old dumb fuck a lap dance. Now he was pissed off he might have to be in here all night with some random asshole, because the fucking officer was outside.  He didn’t have a plan and had no idea what to do. He was slightly worried. Everything was not going right. Him and Ian got into an argument before he left the house over something sooooo stupid.  He couldn’t even remember what it was. Then he had been getting headaches all damn fucking day, but Mickey was nowhere in sight so that was good.  He lost 40 bucks didn’t know where the hell it went. This day was just not a good fucking day for him.

Nick had dropped his phone in water, so he had to get a new one. And not to mention the guy at the store was a dick, so after cursing him out and nearly beating him to death. Nick still had to wait for a new phone to come in. Not to mention he got a call from one of his dealers. Turns out the guy was dry this week, so no weed to smoke, which made him cranky. What also made him crankier was that since him and Ian got into whatever fight they had; he couldn’t remember it, which slightly pissed him off. He didn’t get none either. That shit just pissed his whole fucking day off. Not getting laid was something he didn’t like.

But you see his bad day doesn’t even stop there. When Nick came to work, he got in trouble for breaking Jeff’s hand. Apparently the boss didn’t like that, but since Nick was one of his best dancers he told him next time he would get suspended from work. Then some dick spilled a drink on him and Nick almost fell off stage. Everything was a mess for him today. Now this shit...Fuck him man. Plus not to mention he was still stressing over how he was going to keep Captain McCain and Collin away from him and Ian. Thinking of ways to get rid of them, or leave and have them give up or something. This was getting out of hand, but Nick had this. He had to have this, there was no way he was not about to let his life become fucked up because of anything or anyone.

Nick began to walk to the old disgusting man in front of him, but then grabs his head when his headache begins to start. This time it was more intense than it had ever been.

“I don’t have all day sexy. You gonna show me a good time?” The old disgusting man says to Nick

Nick lifts his head up and tilts his head to the side then raised his eyebrows up. He was not impressed with the man in front of him. In fact Nick had no expression on his face. If anything his expression was a lot more serious, cold stone facial expression. He walks over to the man, grabs his glasses and put them on his face. He then walks behind the man trailing his fingers as he did, and put him in a headlock. Nick was a strong mother fucker so it was pointless for the other man to fight him back. Since the man was already intoxicated, he was barely able to fight Nick off. Once the man was unconscious, Nick went ahead and removes his pants, and his button down shirt. It was slightly bigger on him, not so much but he puts it on. He went to the mirror and parted his hair to the side as well and removes the eyeliner from his eyes. He put the glasses back on his face and was looking at the mirror.

He walks out of the VIP room and makes his way to the door, keeping an eye on the officer the whole time.  He manages to slip out the back door of the club and makes his way to the car.  He gets in the car and drives off; he kept driving till he was in the middle of the road. If he turns Left he would be going towards his apartment and most likely Collin would be there. If he turns right, he would go to Ian, the thought didn’t cross his mind at the moment till he blinks and looks up at the mirror on the dashboard.

Nick blinks a few times, and he pulls the glasses off his face and looks at himself through the mirror, and then at himself again physically.  There was no way that just happened. Last he remembered he was at the club… fuck not again. He then looks at his clothes he was wearing. They looked like that guys clothes he was with in the VIP room and these glasses where not his. He could see perfectly without glasses. He had a gut feeling he knew what happened but at this moment right now, it was late and he just wanted to get home. The car was in park in the middle of the fucking road. Really?  He turns the car back on removes it from parking and he then turns right and starts to head towards Ian, towards his home. Even though today was a fucking crazy day….. At least he still had his Ian.

_________________________________________________________________________________

It has been a few days since Captain McCain, Officer Rider and Collin came to the house in search for answer. It had also been a few days that Nick was home since that last minor lack of memory loss at the club. He hadn’t been to work since, calling out sick and shit. Plus Nick was beyond pissed about the whole looking for Mickey and McPain in his ass helping Collin and his siblings.  He didn’t want McCain or as he calls him McPain in his ass metaling in his life. It’s bad enough he did it when he was younger, but now. Now this is getting out of hand and Nick was even thinking of doing some weird crazy shit.

“Hey Ian” Nick says

“Yeah?” Ian says back looking at his boyfriend

“Ima go for a walk aight…” Nick says while grabbing his jacket

“You okay?” Ian asked concerned. Him and Nick had a fight a few days ago. To tell you the truth he didn’t remember what it was, he knew it was something stupid. Only that he felt bad and when Nick came home that night. All he did was hold Ian tightly and Ian refuse to let Nick go as well. He really did feel bad.

“Just need to think. I’ll be back I promise okay. If not send out a fuckin platoon for me or some shit.” Nick says and kisses Ian on the lips and walks out the door.

Nick wonders around for a while. Thinking of either running away with Ian, but then that wouldn’t be right for Ian. Then again if Ian loves him enough, they could make it where ever they went.  Or he was thinking of traveling leading Collin and Captain douchebag off his trail…. He didn’t know what to do…. He did think about faking his death so that way Mickey would be dead, but then again he’d have to find a body that was similar to his. Burn it to a point of no facial recognition. But then there were always dental records and Nick was not about to remove his own teeth for that shit.  Why couldn’t Mickey’s family leave him alone and let him be. It’s not like they were taking care of him, or ever have in a way. Nick took care of Mickey. That was his job, as his alter he was responsible for Mickey, and no one else was, and he did one hell of job by doing it.

Nick walks so much that he ends up at a few abandon apartments around the way. He walks around for a bit inside the abandoned building and ran up to the rooftop. He had brought Ian here a few times; this was like there place, among other places of course. But here, no one could find them. He sat up at the edge of the building looking at the sky and the entire neighborhood from up there. He was there for a while in his thoughts…just simply thinking.  When he feels like he’s done for the day, he turns around and gets down from the edge and walks past a mirror and spoke.

“This has got to stop… I have to get rid of Mickey” Nick says to himself

“ _ That’s easier said than done Nick _ ” Mickey says to Nick

Nick turns around and looks at the mirror. And just his luck there was Mickey staring at him. “Look okay I know we’ve always taken care of each other… but like I said, it’s my turn to live.” Nick says

_ “That’s not how it works... I created you when I needed help” Mickey says back to him _

“Yeah and I have had your back so many fucking times it’s hard to fucking count. But the truth is you still need me. But in my world Mick, I don’t need you. You’re just excess baggage.” Nick says and turns his back to Mickey

_ “There’s so much at risk Nick. We have Colt… Collin, Mandy, Iggy, our nieces, your sister in law Leah… and that guy.” _ Mickey says softly

“Ian is not some guy okay… I love him! We want to be together for the rest of our lives okay. And those people are not my family. I want nothing to do with Colt he’s nothing.” Nick says turning around now facing Mickey

_ “This has got to stop… I want my life back _ .” Mickey begs

“Why! So you can go running back to Colt, or Collin or any of them. No. No one has been there for you Mickey only me. I have always had your back.  Me okay! No one else, not them, no one! Me, Mickey, me… When the fuck is it my turn.” Nick says

“ _ Nick you can’t do this on your own, you can’t live on your own like this, any more than I can. We need each other and you know this.”  _ Mickey says

“Live life Like what? Like you are now huh. (Nick laughed)  I can do it. I have Ian, he will be there for me okay” Nick says

_ “I have to try Nick….I have to try and live and fight whatever memories I have that I can’t deal with. You have to let me try for god sacks. You’re trying to destroy me and everything I have. That’s not fucking  fair okay… I have too much to live for to let any of this happen to me anymore.” _ Mickey says to Nick

There was a silence and both individuals look at each other. See life can be unfair and unkind…But to simple take somethings so precious away from someone can be devastating.  See both men have something to lose, but what both men fail to realize, is that what they have to lose they both share. They just haven’t quite figured that part out yet.

“Yeah well yah know what Mick, I do to.” Nick says looking at Mickey and then walks away.


	14. Did that just really happen?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IF there are errors of any such just let me know. 
> 
>  
> 
> So its been a while since I updated this. Sorry just started school again and not to mention my work schedule is crazy I haven't had a day off since the beginning of August. Well here the next chapter. There is mention of panic attack and there might be some slight triggers just in case for anyone. Some minor violence since someone does get punched and also my smut scenes im trying to do much on, but I dont think I'm that good at it. 
> 
> So I hope you like this chapter. I love to read your comments and input and I love and appreciate the kudos that does brighten my day.

_ He was walking around and at first he didn’t know where he was at. It’s this house, their old house. It was dark and complete quit. He heard the man from behind him and ran to the door but it shut right in front of his face. He went to his room door and it shut again in front of his face. He tried to go to Collin’s room and the door shuts again right in his face. He turns around and closes his eyes. He saw the man standing there in front of him, just laughing. He can smell the cigarettes and alcohol on his breath as the man in front of him gets closer and closer. He doesn’t want to open his eyes. He knows if he does, then it will happen again. _

Nick wakes up and jolts out of bed from his dream. He looks around and didn’t see Ian. He gets up and was breathing heavy and fast. He had to go; he had to get out of here and just go out anywhere right now, and just not be here by himself.  He hurries up and puts on his shoes and shirt and heads down stair out the door. He walks more like jogged to the nearest bar and went inside.

“Hey you got a cigarette man? Can bum one off of yah” Nick asked the bartender

“Sorry I don’t, plus I don’t smoke” the bartender says to him

“Fine fuck it…Let me get a Jack straight up” Nick says and starts to drink.

Just as that was happening Ian walks in to his home and ran upstairs to Nick. Nick had; had a cold like the flu or some shit and was sick.  He never got sick so it was his first time in a long time he ever had. He told Ian this and Ian was shocked because everyone gets sick.  So as Ian was making his way upstairs he was calling out to Nick “Okay I got you like a few different kinds of cold medicines and I’m going to make some homemade chicken soup….Nick?” Ian says but when Ian got up stairs Nick wasn’t there. He looks around in the room and then in his old room. Not there. Ian then goes into the bathroom to see if Nick was there and he wasn’t.

“Nick…Fuck. Great Nick…fucking great.” Ian says and then decided to leave and go out and see if he could spot Nick somewhere.

**************************

Nick was at the bar sitting down drinking his drink just as Ian walks through the door and spots him. Ian walks up to Nick and sat down right next to him.

“Trust you to find the one bar that is open…and next to the hotel we use to go to of all places” Ian says

“Good thing it was in walking distance…well somewhat of walking distance, did have to job a bit and take a cab after all. But after words we can go back to our old room there and have fun like old time.” Nick says flirtatiously to Ian

“You okay here sir?” The bartender then cut in looking at Ian and Nick

Nick waves him off “yeah fine.” Not looking up at him or Ian

Ian looks at the bartender and raises his eyebrows at him “I’ll take long island ice tea” Ian tells the bartender who processed to walk away and start on his drink. Ian looks at Nick and is grilling him, waiting for him to speak. And Nick saw Ian doing this, and knew Ian must have been upset that he went and up and disappeared on him in the middle of the night again.

Nick sighs “Look, you were gone and it seemed like it was forever that you had left okay. And I woke up and you weren’t there, and I was thirsty….” Nick says and when Ian doesn’t say anything Nick continues on talking “And you know what, (Nick then turns to look at Ian while he speaks) don’t start with me on how I shouldn’t be drinking when I’m sick or whatever. And that I’m in a bar, where guys or girls can potentially hit on me, (Nick turns back to look at his drink and is speaking to Ian now not looking at him at the moment.) which by the way the bartender was doing a great job making sure no one was fucking with me aight. And if you don’t like that; that’s too fucking bad!” Nick spat out. He hated feeling vulnerable, even if Ian made him feel safe.

Ian looks amused and says nothing, while the bartender comes back to him and brings him his drink. Ian tastes his drink and hums in satisfaction. “Thank you” Ian says to the bartender, not paying attention to Nick and his little outburst.

“Are you just gonna sit there and not say shit…. Nothing!? Really, nothing at all” Nick says looking at Ian waiting for him to say something or do something… Anything really.

“Hmm you know, you don’t taste the heaviness of the liquor in this drink. That’s when you know someone made it good, when it blends in just right and is not to overpowering... Here try it.” Ian says and passes the drink to Nick so he can try it.

“You might get sick Red.” Nick says not looking at Ian but away from the bar

“I’ll take my chances” Ian says his face is serious and he’s looking at Nick trying to study his expressions

“What’s with you man?” Nick says looking at Ian

“It’s like I told you. IIIIII looove you. Now try the drink” Ian says and gestures to the drink for Nick to try it.

Sighs slightly and shrugs his shoulder “Okay.” Nick says and takes a sip of the drink and passes it back to Ian. Nick just looks at him, and Ian wait for him to speak.

“So you know…I guess the favorite part about being me, about being here… is how that after me telling you off and everything and taking off on you and well not really leaving you, except a little while ago, which by the way you were gone like forever... but still, you managing to find me. Track me down here or anywhere.” Nick says and is looking off at the distance for a moment and then looks back at Ian “That I’m able to just…fuck… just go off on you like it’s your fault and you except it and I just-” Nick says to Ian looking at him. ‘Why does Ian stay with him?’ He thinks, ‘Why does he love me?’ Nick thinks to himself.

“It’s amazing and interesting how you can apologies without ever using the words I’m sorry.” Ian says calmly looking Nick dead in the eyes and smirking at him.

“Yeah… and for some reason you’re so good at letting things go. Well sometimes anyways, Or maybe you don’t care enough” Nick says and looks down at his drink.

Ian shakes his head in amusement and chuckles lightly “I have a very calm mannerism…Ex-military remember. Patience is what I needed when I was out there in the field. Especially with you I use it a lot. You know it happens when your boyfriend walks out on you and doesn’t tell you what’s bugging him. And mind you, you have done it more than once recently.” Ian says in somewhat of a sarcastic way, but also calm as well

“I don’t want to walk out on you…. Just sometimes things get complicated and my first reaction is bolt and close up and not say much or anything for that matter. But I’m getting better at it okay trust me” Nick says looking at Ian. And Ian can’t help how his eyes become like puppy eyes.

“Trust me he says.” Ian chuckles “look okay how about we concentrate on the future and not the past. The Now, like right now.” Ian says to Nick

Nick chuckles “yeah okay…to right now” Nick says and raises his glass to Ian

“To right now” Ian says as he and Nick bump there drinks together and drink there drinks. A few moments of after that Ian is saying something and turns to the bartender and is asking for another drink. Nick turns around and sees the image of himself as a child. The boy is looking at Nick and he’s crying again reaching out for his hand.  Nick then turns back and looks at Ian and smiles. His past was coming up faster than he hoped and even with Ian knowing the truth or some of it anyways, it was getting hard to maintain.

They went home walking and Nick is feeling nice and buzzed as he walks up the steps. He turns to Ian when they got in their room. “You look so good in this shirt you know that….I love you in this shirt” Nick is acting goofy and Ian can’t help but smile at him.

“Oh well you are just full of love aren’t you.” Ian chuckles and Nick looks at him.

“What?” Nick Laughs “Right now, today, this second, this week, this whole month, this whole past year that has gone by…no in fact since I met you…..I use to hate love.” Nick says to Ian

“Oh yeah” Ian says

“Yeeeeah. It makes you weak.” Nick says with a giggle and then looks off like in a distant stare.

“Till you met me huh” Ian’s is amused at how drunk Nick got tonight at the bar with him. He’s never seen him act different like this before.

Nick looks and leans on Ian and talks “Well you have to love me more than Colt love Mickey.” Nick says pointing at Ian chest

“Why you say that?” Ian says curiously

Nick slightly leans back and looks at Ian as he speaks “Beeeeecauuuuse, I know Colt. I know when he finds out, he’s gonna think that his luv can safe Mick, but it caaaaaannnn’t. Nooope.  Nooo one can save Mick…. Only me Ian. Only me.” Nick is quit now and turns around and looks in the mirror. Ian’s silent.  He doesn’t want to move or breath because of what he sees when Nick is looking in the mirror at himself.  Looking at him and his expression of hurt, pain, strength all guarded up. It hurts to know that your boyfriend hides so much, and keeps it away to protect himself. But Ian doesn’t want that. He wants Nick to open up, but that’s just not possible, because Nick won’t open up.

Nick is staring at the mirror and he’s seeing a younger version of Mickey. He turns away and he had no Idea he was crying. He wipes his tears off his face and looks at Ian. He goes sits on the bed and says nothing.

Ian breaks the silence “Look…I want you to know and believe me when I say, that I will do anything. I mean anything that I can do in my power to make you feel safe, and make you feel loved. Alright.” Ian says to Nick

Nick doesn’t answer he just pulls Ian into a kiss and then looks at him before he says “I love you, now let’s go the fuck to bed and enough with this mushy shit okay.” Nick says with a small smile he gives Ian.

*************************************************************************************

The next Morning Nick wakes up smiling and had the only idea in his head…. Yeah this was a good idea. Nick’s been thinking about it for a while… It’s a great plan; it’s the best one he has had yet. They should totally do it. Plus he really wants to do it. I mean it’s once in a lifetime thing you do, and you do it right.

“Do you trust me?” Nicks askes Ian

“Yes” Ian says to Nick with no hesitation

“We should do it.” Nick says to Ian

Ian then looks at Nick “Do what?” Ian says

“What we talked about before remember” Nick says looking innocent at Ian Now and smiling shyly at him.

“You sure?” Ian questions Nick

Nick nods his head up and down frantically “Yeah. Why not?” Nick says

“You know why I’m asking you.” Ian says to Nick as a matter of fact

Nicks shoulders go down and he sighs and turns his whole body to look at Ian and speak to him. “Look okay…. No one can stop us. Plus by the time they find out, me and you will have already gone off into paradise… Come ooooon! IIIIIIAAAANNNN!” Nick wines to Ian. “What’s wrong with some fun? Living life like it’s our last day. Why not with someone you love right?” Nick says to Ian.

Ian smiles at Nick and nods his head “You know you’re going to be the death of me. But yeah, you are right… So we're doing this then.” Ian says at Nick with a smirk on his face.

“Yup! Today is the day! You already graduated right so let’s celebrate by doing this, plus were going to New York what better timing is this not to go and celebrate in a place such as New York! Well besides going to Vegas and partying it up but still.” Nick says. Ian had graduated from the police academy a few weeks ago. Nick was so proud of him. Nick, Debbie, Lip, Carl, and Liam were at the graduation. Fiona wasn’t able to make it, which Ian understood, but Debbie still cursed her out nonetheless and Nick was happy with that. 

Now I know what you’re thinking, how the hell did Nick go to his graduation with the captain David looking for him. Well not him more like Mickey right? Well that’s simple. Nick just disgusted himself change clothes to something more as he said “wall street stuck up assholes” A nice suit and tie, with dark shades on and he wore a hat. Don’t ask about the hat, but it went with the suit somehow.

So with that being said, both men got dressed got Debbie and left.  This was their lives now, and it was time for minor change. But that minor change is going to have a huge impact on their lives and everyone else’s. Which should be interesting… don’t you think?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Things were getting more complicated for the Milkovich siblings. Collin was annoyed and stressing over work and his brother.  While Mandy still wasn’t so much convinced that their brother was sick, Iggy was however, or it was because he just wanted to believe Collin. Mandy didn’t know really at this point. Both Mandy and Iggy were still kind of pissed off at Mickey in general for the shit that went down. If he was sick then okay, but still half the shit that was said had to come from somewhere right? Anyways, after having a huge fight over it; as much as Mandy valued Leah as a doctor and her doctor friend about the information on Mickey, it sounded too silly to believe in her opinion. I mean come on, Mickey having a split personality? Not real. They didn’t have any mental illness in their family that she knew of. It just wasn’t real to her she guessed.  Plus thinking about it; who wouldn’t want to pretend to be someone else in a state of mind like that.  I guess for Mandy it was a more of that she had to see it to believe it kind of thing.

Collin and Leah decided to go back to New York, being as that Leah had her job and Collin needed to handle a few things at the New York location for South Side Autos. Collin told Mandy and Iggy to keep an eye out for Mickey and call him the second Mickey contacts them.  They agreed and told him to go home and be with their niece. Collin did miss his little girl and when he got home the only thing he wanted to do was hold her and never let her go.  She was 3 years old already at that age of getting her small self into trouble. She looked a lot like Leah, but had Collins blue eyes, and attitude to the tee. Mickey was her god father and Collin couldn’t help but wonder how much Mickey was always so protective of her.

*****************************************************************************************

_ There sounds of a little boy crying. He’s asking for the man to stop, but the man grunts. All he hears is what seems to be a slap across the face. And then a thump sound. (it’s as if he’s remembering all this)  The boy cries sound muffled now.  “Please stop… I didn’t do anything wrong.” Another hit, and this time the boy seem to have screamed louder causing the man to cover his mouth and bang the boy against the wall… or maybe the door. He can’t tell.  The little boy is crying again. He walks to the door and its cracked open. He sees the figured man there over his little brother. He tries to go into the room, but something stops him. It’s like there is a force field or some shit. Like a glass mirror and he’s banging on it over and over again.  He sees…. He sees himself. Crying and being beating and hurt….Collin sees his younger self and he’s bruised hurt in pain. Then just like that in a blink of an eye he disappears. Collins banging harder on the door again. He’s hearing cries again, but there not his like it was before. The noise to the voice sounds familiar…. He kicking at the glass wall harder and harder but it’s not budging. He sees a shadow figure coming towards him and then…..Then he sees Mickey crying in front of him…. He then looks at Collin and he wipes his tears off his face. For some reason Collin asked “What’s name?” “nick” his brother  replies. Nick face is stone cold. No expressions no emotions. Then he walks away and Collin tries to go after him but is pulled back by…… Oh shit Terry! His father is pulling him back, and as Collin is struggling to get Terry off of him, he sees Mickey and a man he can’t tell who it is. But the man just grabbed Nick and pin him down. Nick is looking at Collin now. And Collin is just staring back at him. Screaming and hit the glass door or wall whatever the fuck it is. Collin’s screaming and banging harder at the glass. But nothing happens. Nick is looking at Collin the whole time and when the older man holds his brother down and pushes his pants down exposing him. Collin begins to hit the glass as hard as he can. But it still does break. “Mickey! Mickey! STOP It Leave HIM ALONE!” _

Leah is shaking Collin now telling him to wake up. Collin is moving around in the bed swinging and screaming at for “STOP IT. LEAVE HIM ALONE.” Collin jolts out of bed, he’s breathless, and confused. He’s sweating all over and is drenched and is now in more shock then he ever.

“Collin look at me!” Leah says in a frantic worry, but Collin isn’t looking at her. “GOD DAMN IT COLLIN LOOK AT ME!” She grabs Collins face and forces him to look at her.

There are tears in his eyes, sweat coming down his face and he’s having hard time breathing. He hasn’t had an attack like this in years. Not since after being with Leah for a while.  Leah always knew what to do when Collin had Panic attacks, especially from bad dreams or memories.  She needed to get him to focus on her, which she was trying to do now.

“Collin I need you to concentrate on your breathing okay. Baby tell, me what do you need?” Leah said in a calm voice. Getting worked up won’t help in fact it will make things worse.

Collin is breathing faster and he is trying to concentrate on his breathing and on his Leah. But it is hard.  He felt himself becoming dizzy from the lack of oxygen that his brain is telling him he isn’t getting.

“Collin Stay with me okay. Whatever is bother you it’s not real okay. It’s in your thoughts. You were having a bad dream.” Leah says to him in a normal tone of voice trying to bring Collin down.

Leah raises Collins arms over his head and tries to help him to breath. This attack is different, he seems to be more scared and frightened; he seems to think it was more real than ever. “I need you to count with me okay, try and count with me Collin.” Leah says and beings to coach Collin into counting with her from 10 down.

“10” Leah starts to say and Collin repeats after her

“….10” He breathes in shallow

“9” She says but she worried now because Collin is struggling

“…9” He chokes out

“8” Leah says

“...eigh” he huffs out

“7”

“Se…se….seven” he stutters out

“Come on, Breath okay you’re doing great baby. 6” Leah says

“Six” Collin says, managing to say in a grunt and is trying to breathing normally now

“Five” they say it together and continue to they reach 1.

Collin is silent for a while. Leah comes over and wipes his face with a cloth and motions for him to get up so he does. She removes the bed sheets and helps Collin get undress. She brings him to the bathroom and runs the shower for him. She knows Collin has to do this himself. Pushing him will only get him upset and he will close himself off. It was one of the traits she knew about the man she loves.

Collin gets in the shower and lets the water hit him. It’s nice and warm, really relaxing and he’s happy Leah hasn’t asked him about what happen, and about what brought on the panic attack.  He hasn’t had one in a few years, but his dream was so real. He couldn’t get to his little brother and watching that man rape him in front of him, and him not being able to do anything about it was too much to bare.  Plus he saw himself a younger version of himself being beaten by Terry. What the fuck kind of dreams was he having?  When Collin is all washed up, he takes his clothes out, get dress and grabs his keys. He needs to drive to clear his head for a bit. Leah doesn’t protest as much as she wants to, she lets him be. When he’s ready she will be here to listen. It’s why they work so well together.

He kisses her before he leave and thanks her.  Collin hops in his car and decides to drive around. He decided to drive up towards the upper west side of Manhattan. The deli markets up there are still open and he is kind of hungry. Its only 12 midnight so they should be open as usual. When arrives near the store he wants to go to, he parks his car. He decided to walk to the 24 hour store he usually goes to when he’s stressed out and wants a nice hot sandwich. Suddenly he stops in his tracks when he hears a familiar voice.  He turns around quickly and sees it’s his brother, and he’s with……Son of a bitch. That mother fucking tall redhead asshole!  He said he didn’t know his brother. WHAT THE FUCK!

***************************

Ian and Nick are joking around about some weird ass shit they saw when they arrived from Chicago a few days ago to celebrate. They were walking back to the apartment caring a bag of food for themselves and Debbie. She was all too excited to be here in New York finally and is loving it in fact. Debbie and Nick were trying to get Ian to transfer or at least think about moving out here as soon as possible. Living in New York would not be so bad for all three of them. Both Nick and Debbie told him this, but of course he said “I can’t you guy, I just started the job.”  Whatever, but with Debbie on his side there was no way Nick could not win.

Ian grabs Nick from behind him and kisses his cheek and his holding him. Nick is looking at Ian from the side and is smiling more brightly than ever at the man he loves. Just as they motion to start walking again, that is when Ian is thrown up against the wall by muscular man a few inches taller than Mickey.

“You son of bitch you knew!” Collin shouts at Ian

“What the fuck” Ian says and his eye widen when he sees its Collin. Ian pushes Collin off of him ready for a fight.

“Son of bitch…I’ve been looking for my brother and you were with him the whole time.” Collin says angrily and goes to punch Ian but Ian blocks him and throws him into the wall.

“Aye what the fuck asshole!” Nick says looking at Collin now and wishing he was somewhere else right now “Leave Ian alone, fuck just leave me alone.” Nick yells at him

“No, Mickey” Collins says but is cut off by Nick.

“Nick! It’s Nick okay.” Nick snaps at Collin

Collin looks at him and then at Ian, and then right back at his little brother again before he says anything. “You need to come home  _ now _ ….we can help you okay.”

“Fuck you! I am home ight. I don’t need help from you or anyone. I’m fine.” Nick hisses out to Collin

“Like fucking hell you are! You’re not well. Please! For fuck sacks I’ve been worried trying to find you. We all have.” Collin says to Nick not paying attention to him or even acknowledging that he’s there.

“Good for yah. But I’m fine. Don’t need help, don’t want help. I really don’t fuckin need you or your fuckin fams at all ight.” Nick says with so much heat that even Ian feels bad for Collin as to the way he’s talking to Collin.    

Collin shakes his head in disbelief. “You’re not…. Fuck, you’re fucking up Mickeys life, you’re an alter! Don’t you get that?” Collin says and looks at his brother and then to Ian. “Why didn’t you say you knew my brother when I asked you at the house, or when I asked over the phone….why?” Collin now asked Ian.

“Look man I just found all this out recently okay… Plus I’m not keeping him prisoner or anything okay.  He’s his own person.” Ian says to Collin

“No he’s not!” Collin shouts and now Nick intervene

“Fuck you yes I am! Ian lets go.” Nick motions for Ian to follow him but Collin steps in between them.

“No! ... Okay look. Me and you (he motions between him and Ian) we got off on the wrong foot. But seriously he’s my brother he’s not well. You know this, we told you this. He needs help and professional help.  You can’t handle this or him on your own. Mickey needs help and he needs his family the people that love him and care for him.” Collin says to Ian.

“I do love him and I can care for him” Ian says instantly with no hesitation at all. Nick then grabs Ian hand and start to walk off when Collin grabs them both again. Nick turns around and punches Collin square in the jaw, and makes him fall to the floor. “What they fuck Nick!” Ian shouts at Nick.

“He is not my fuckin brother! I don’t have any siblings! Mickey does, I don’t!” Nick shouts and begins to walk off but then stops and wait for Ian to catch up. Ian looks back at Collin and then at Nick again.  Ian shakes his head and jogs to Nick and then they turn the corner and Collin doesn’t see them anymore. Fuck his brother sure knew how to fucking hit hard as fuck. That at least hasn’t changed about Mickey.

Yeah this was going to be one hell of a fucking short stay in New York.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Nick and Ian got back to the apartment; both men made sure that Collin didn’t follow them. Debbie had fell asleep on the couch so Ian went to her and put a blanket over her so she didn’t cold.  Nick and Ian went to the room and Nick started to pace around.

“Fuck! Now Collins gonna try and fuck shit up. He’s gonna try and bring people here and get you in trouble with you job….. FUCK! I just fucking know it, then he’s gonna put me and a fuckin nut house.” Nick says frantically.

“I’m not going to let that happen okay.  I told you- “Ian starts to say but then Nick cut him off.

“Yeah I know what you told me. But this is them, they want Mickey and they want to get rid of me remember.” Nick says dramatically but continues to talk. “Great now he’s gonna call Captain Pain in my ass and shit.”

Ian starts to laugh and walks up to Nick “Shit. I swear you really are going to be the death of me” He was trying to lighten up the mood.  Nick always loves his laughter

Nick looks up at Ian and tries to no look to amuse at his comment. “Oh come on red. Living life on the edge is kinda fun and you know it.” Nick says smiling back at Ian and then his smile fades away when he asks Ian “You won’t leave me right? Cause you can leave now if you want. No hard feelings and all, you can go.” Nick was still giving Ian a way out and I mean after what just happened a while ago, that might just be impossible.

“Nick” Ian says firmly

“No Ian!  You should cut your losses.  Fuckin Collin’s going be on our asses here in New York now! They’re going to find out and try with everything in their power to separate us now even more….I ain’t worth it man.”  Nick says and that was when Ian looked at him like he was crazy.

“Well fuck you asshole. It’s a good thing I do shit my way isn’t and not listen to your dumbass!” Ian says and cups Nicks face and made him look at him as he is talking to him “You know you’re worth it all. You’re all I ever wanted, and I will only leave you if or when you ever tell me to.” Ian says to Nick.

Nick smiles up at Ian “You too….I never thought I could have this….You really want to do this? Stay with me.” Nick asked again. He needed reassurance, again because you just don’t find a guy like Ian Gallagher every day in your life time.

Ian didn’t have to say anything; he just closed the distance between him and Nick and kisses him gently.  Nick grabs Ian face in return and led him to the bed, never once breaking the kiss. They start to undress each other once the kiss broke, for a moment. Nick lifts Ian’s shirt up and Ian lifts Nick shirt. They kiss again instantly for a few seconds, and Ian gently lies Nick down on the bed on his back.  Ian then begins to kiss Nick again; going down his neck sucking on it making a nice dark purple bruise of pleasure. He then kisses his way down Nicks’ body and unbuttons his pants and moves them down with Nick’s boxers all at once. He brought his hand up to Nicks chest and moves it slowly up and down leaving goose bumps all over Nick’s body. Nick moans into his kiss with Ian and bit his lip as he released it.

Nick looks up at Ian and brushes away a few strands of hair Ian had in front of his face. Nick smiles and then grabs Ian’s face and leans up and kisses him again more passionately, more rough. At the same time Ian went ahead and takes off his pants quickly.  Nick brought Ian closer and both men moan in pleasure at the friction they were feeling from having both of their erections pressed up against each other.  Ian then broke the kiss and starts to kiss down Nicks’ neck again seeing as every time he did that Nick would grab his hair and tug on it. Ian is sucking on Nicks neck and licking it, just as Nick was pulling and grabbing on to Ian’s hair. And god did Ian love to get his hair pulled.  Ian continues to kiss down Nick’s chest and takes his left nipple into his mouth and swirls his tongue around it and slightly but yet roughly bite down on it. Nicks back arches up at the sensation and Ian then pinches his right nipple.  Ian then crawls back up to Nick and kisses him again. He then trails down to Nick stomach, kissing it and sucking on it; leaving bruises of red and purple marks on Nicks body, just amazing.  Ian bites down on Nicks hip and sucks on it and that makes Nick gasp for air. “Ian” he breathes out and he is so lost in what Ian is doing right now. Ian takes Nick cock in to his mouth and begins to suck hard on the tip of the head.

Nick tugs harder on Ian’s hair and that makes the redhead swallow Nick more into his mouth. Swirling his tongue around Nick, Ian starts to go up and down bobbing his head fast.  This was making Nick crumble and he was breathing heavy and babbling word to Ian telling him how much he loves him and how good he is to him.  All the while Ian went and put his fingers in Nick mouth. Nick sucks on Ian’s fingers like he was sucking Ian off. Ian takes his fingers out of Nick’s mouth and put two of them inside of Nick, while he keep sucking Nick off. Ian was finger fucking Nick just right and Nick arched his back as Ian did this over and over again, faster and faster. Ian then decides he was going to go back and play and suck on the head of Nick cock and at the same adding a third finger; sending Nick in a frenzy of pain and pleasure all at once. Ian was hitting the right spot and Nick loves it, and yes he verbally expresses it.  Making him grunt louder and scream just a little… okay maybe more than a little. But those sounds made Ians cock twitch.

Ian takes Nick cock all the way down and deepthroats him, swallowing him whole. Nick almost came in Ian’s mouth but Ian knew and he releases his mouth off of Nick and let out a pop sound when he did.  Nick was dazed in bliss and looks at Ian like he was hungry. Nick then grabs Ian by the neck and brought him down for a rough kiss. Nick slips his tongue into Ian’s mouth and of course Ian moans in pleasure as Nick started to jerk Ian off. Nick then bites Ian tongue and broke the kiss. He smiles up at Ian. Nick wanted it rough and hard, so Ian was going to give it to him just as rough.

Ian then flips Nick over quickly, who did nothing, but obey and was on all fours waiting for Ian. Ian then bites down on Nick’s ass and without any warning.  Ian pushes into Nick which made Nick lose his breath and scream “FUCK!” Nick screams and moans louder as Ian fucks him. Ian grabs on to the bed frame with one hand and then uses his other hand to grab on Nicks shoulder.  At this point both men were making a lot and I mean a lot of noises as Ian is pounding into Nick, and Nick is making many sexy moaning sounds.  Ian grabs on to Nick’s hip this time with his right hand holding him steady, and he uses his left hand to grab onto his left shoulder. Making him pound into him harder and rough, over and over again. Deeper and deeper just like Nick wants it. Nick holds onto the bed frame as Ian continues to pleasure and brutally fuck him into the mattress. Nick arches his back up more and let his face fall onto the pillow on the bed. That was when Ian changed angles and hit Nick’s prostate over and over again.  And god did it feel so amazing, so good, that Nick was panting more heavier and his cock was leaking so much he loves it!  Nick was screaming in pleasure “FUCK RIGHT THERE. FA-FASTER……FASTER! UGH FUCK YEAH BABY THERE!  D-DON’T STOP………UGH IAN HARDER IAN! IAN! IAN!” Nick continues to repeat over and over again screaming Ians name and Ian was now holding on to Nicks hips with both hands, moving faster. All you heard was the slapping sounds and both men moaning loudly. 

Ian is close, so he takes his right hand and went around Nick and starts to jerk him off as he continues to fuck into Nick deeper and faster. And with just two tugs; Nick is cumming so harder, harder than he has ever did in his entire life. Ian was right behind with him, and both men scream each other name as they chased their orgasm. Nick is twitching as Ian was still inside of him pressed up against his sweet spot.  Ian pulls out of Nick carefully and slowly. At the same time Nick clasps onto the bed, landing right on his cum, but not caring enough to care about it. He was trying to stop breathing so hard and calm himself down after the amazing sex he just had with Ian.  Ian also clasps as well right next to Nick and was in complete ecstasy. He is trying to breath regular again as well. Both men are in a state of bliss and love every moment of it.

“Wow” Ian says. Nick is still silent and couldn’t talk just yet. All he did was grunt in agreement.

“You okay?” Ian asked Nick who had just then caught his breath again and is smiling at Ian

“Yeah” and he laughs “But I’m covered in my own spunk man.” Nick tries to turn around and sit up; he did it slowly as his ass as much as it felt good, is hurting as hell right now. Nick keeps a smile on his face as he looks at Ian and leans over and kisses him so passionately. Slipping his tongue again into Ian’s mouth and moving it inside licking all around exploring Ian.  It’s as if he’s expressing his feelings to Ian in that kiss.  He leans his forehead against Ian with his eyes closed and just smiles.  Ian was looking at Nick, and is smiling back at the man he loves so much. They stood there for a few minutes in that same position soaking in the atmosphere around them and then they heard ---

“Thank fucking god you two asshole finished! Sheesh! I’m sure the whole fucking state of New York heard you assholes!” Debbie screams out from the sala.

Both men look at each other and then laugh and lay back against the headboard. Nick then grabs a cigarette from the dresser next to the bed and lights it up. He past it to Ian who takes of pull from it and give it back to him, and then he saw Ian getting up. “Where you going?” Nick asked

Ian looks over his shoulder at Nick and responds “Shower, You coming?” Ian asked

“Well I already did.” Nick laughs and Ian couldn’t help but laugh back at his stupid sexual innuendo.

As they came out of their room Debbie looked at them as if she was mortified of what she heard. “I swear I have never, ever heard anyone say or call my brother name like the way you did.” Debbie says to Nick who was laughing at her expressions of horror.  “and I don’t ever and I MEAN EVER want to hear it.” But both boys were laughing and making their way to the bathroom. That was when Debbie takes herself to her room and closes the door and put ear plugs on; because there was no way she was going to hear that kind of porno again.  

Both men made it to the bathroom to shower up. “Hey Gallagher, watch it with that thing” Nick looks up at Ian.  Showering with your partner was fun, but not when his dick is literally hitting you.

“Hey you can’t call me that no more” Ian teases Nick.

“Oh yeah, is that so?” Nick says looking at Ian like he was the most beautiful thing in the world.

“Well yeah, Gallagher.” Ian smiles at Nick and just kisses him hard up against the wall.  And it was no one business if Ian fucked him in the showers again. It was no one business that when they got out to the shower, they fucked again in the kitchen on the counter. Nope that was no ones’ business but their own! And it definitely was no ones’ business that just one day earlier before they left to New York City that they went to 138 W Washington St Chicago IL.  Nope! No one needed to know that but them.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is for AnotherGallavichLove. I know things have been rough so I wanted to give this to you. Plus like I told you on here and tumbler you inspire me to write a fic and that's what Im doing. xoxox everyone


	15. Escaped and yet Captured

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning there are some trigger here of past child abuse. Also note that Mickey is the italic writing as he is talking to Nick who I left the font as regular. All mistakes are mine I do apologize... 
> 
> Again I love all of your comments and kudos and love. I do appreciate everything all your inputs and everything. xoxoxoxo

Nick and Ian wasted no time the next day getting their shit packed up and heading back to Chicago. They told Debbie they bumped into Collin so their weekend mini vacation was cut short.  Nick told Ian that if Collin knew that he Ian knew about him, most likely he told David (the captain), which is even worse. Ian told him not to worry about that, that he would take care of it, plus he was in a different police precinct from him.  In general it’s not like anyone can do anything to Nick and Ian now, they had a plan. The plan was to move as soon as they can, and not tell no one. But for now they needed a place to lay low and not be at the Gallagher house for the time being. What better place to move temporary into like Mickey’s apartment right. Now, I know what you thinking.  You’re wondering really? Mickey’s place! Won’t they be looking for then there or waiting for Mickey there. No, not really; who would think to look for Nick and Ian there. Of course Debbie said she was moving with them, and Ian didn’t have the heart to tell her no, and he wasn’t about to leave her behind.

“Okay so why are we going to well your place… but rather the other you place again.” Debbie says to Nick (trying not to confuse herself as she just did again.) as they got out the car and walked towards the building

Nick turns to look at her as he speaks to her. “Because freckles, no one will think to look for us here. Especially now since we fuckin ran into Mr. Know it all pain in my ass.” Nick tells her.

“Wait so you are you right. Like Nick being you is a person I know, but you’re the real one or something right?” Debbie asked because she wanted to make sure. She didn’t want no one hurt especially Ian.

“Oh My Gosh, Yes! Sheeeh now can we go.” Nick says and walks toward the building.

“You really live here?” Ian says as he looks at the building in shock. Like wow, this place is just wow

“I don’t live here, Mickey lives here. We’re just borrowing the fuckin place, but there is one room in there that is mines.” Nick says to them

“Let me guess the bedroom where you two are going to fuck” Debbie says dryly pointing at both of them. She really didn’t want to hear that again.

Nick looks at her with smirked on his face and shook his head no while saying “No you ass, and I thought I was the grumpy one. What’s got your tits in a twist?” Nick says to her.

“I’m cramping, so I hate all men right now. I’m totally having a penis fucking envy right now.” Debbie says with no shame

Ian and Nick both make a disgusting fast and quickly look away and move away from Debbie. Yeah they were not trying to get nowhere near her bad side.

“OOOOOkay didn’t need to know that. Mental note to self get lots of chocolate for you” Ian says to Debbie who looks at him and gives him the finger. “I got the new locks so we can change them just in case.” Ian says then now.

“Aight lets go so I can give yous the grand fucking tour of the place.” Nick says to them as he opens the front door. They entered into the 3 bedroom loft apartment and Nick walks in like it was nothing to him, but to Ian and Debbie stop in their tracts. They were amazed at how big the place was, and how well…nice it felt. This place was nothing like what they were used to.

Debbie and Ian finally walk through the door of the loft apartment, but it was Debbie who spoke first. “Wait, so your like, loaded or something or like what?” Debbie says to Nick

“Yeah I have money why?” Nick says looking at Debbie

“So why do you work at the club?” Debbie asked curiously

“Because he loves to be free” Ian says smiling at Nick, and Nick smiles right back at him.

“Whatever, if I had money there is no way I would work. I would travel the world go to school, and have fun of course.” Debbie says looking at the DVD and Blu-ray collection Nick had.

“You have to work Debs” Ian says to her.

“Yeah I know Ian, but first I would have fun. That’s why I said go to school. Duh. Plus I can do something I love, and still travel and then work. I mean you only live life once right.” Debbie says to him, but still not looking away from the collection of movies and TV shows that Nick had on display.

“Okay. Yah had enough chit chatting so I can show you the place and then we can start to replace the fucking locks.” Nick says patiently waiting for both his two favorite people in the world.

Nick shows them the rooms, and Debbie really loved the gaming/entertainment room. Once they knew where the kitchen and bathroom was at. They settled in and Nick went to change the locks and put in a new key pad code, one that they all would remember. He gave them all new sets of keys and told Debbie she could sleep in the living room since the sofa pulls out into a bed. Meanwhile Ian walks around the loft taking in everything. The pictures on display of Nick and his family, well more like Mickey and his family. There are diplomas from high school and college, certificates and everything. He could help but feel bad; if not wrong for being here, for even being with Nick. I mean this was Mickeys place like he said, his life was in this place.

Ian was in the second room with the paints and art supplies as well as keyboard at the corner of the room and a guitar along with it. There was also DJ equipment. Ian was looking at some of the painting now, they interest him for some reason. Apparently Mickey could paint, he wondered if Nick could as well. I mean they were different people but he couldn’t help but wonder. He knew Nick could draw but he still wondered.

“What you doing red?” Nick says while standing near the doorway of the room.

“Huh. Oh no I was just looking around Mickeys stuff.” Ian says casually

“What stuff?” Nick says walking into the room now towards Ian “You mean those paintings. Mickey didn’t paint those.” Nick says to Ian with a face of ‘seriously you think he painted that’

“No? Then who?” Ian asked teasing Nick. He figured it was him who did.

“Me. This is my room technically in a way. So it’s my room. See the laptop over there on the desk with the Dj equipment.” Nick points at “My room.” Nick says simple and then he walks up to the rack and grab a canvas and shows it to Ian.

Ian is shocked and smiles widely at the painting and looks at Nick. “That’s me?” Ian says and Nick just nods his head. “You painted me! When?”

“A while ago.” Nick takes the painting and put it up on a hook in the room. He smiles at it and looks back at Ian who was looking at him with so much love. It took Nick’s breath away.

“Did anybody ever tell you, that you are amazing?” Ian says to Nick walking up to him and wrapping his arms around Nick’s waist.

“Only you duh?” Nick says and then kisses Ian, while dragging him out of the room.

Meanwhile…………………………………………………….............

Collin had been looking for Nick and Ian back in New York. He went to the place where he first saw them and started looking around. He then went to Mickey’s apartment in New York, but it looked like no one had been there in a while. Plus Collin figured that Nick wouldn’t bring Ian to Mickey’s place, being as they would look for him there first.  Collin did manage to get a lead on them, and it turns out that Nick and Ian had another redhead a girl with them; they went to the corner store and was seen there last. Turns out the girl over the counter overheard them saying that they were leaving because they had to. The redhead girl had complained to her about it, saying that they were going back home which pissed her off.

With that being said, Collin knew that Nick and Ian had to have headed back to Chicago. The problem with that was, where will they be? Will they be at Ian’s place or somewhere else? Collin still had a few things to take care of here in New York that needed his attention.  As soon as he was done he would head back to Chicago; business here in New York never took that long anyway. As long as he knew his brother was back in Chicago Collin would be able to find him some way somehow.

“Collin you need to be prepared” Leah tells him

“Prepared for what? He needs to get help and now. He’s back in Chicago and with this Ian Gallagher. That fucker said he didn’t know Mickey and didn’t see him.” Collin says pissed off.

“Babe, you need to understand. In order for Mickey to integrate his alter has to want to as well. If not it’s going to get worse.” Leah tells him in a calm yet worried tone of voice.

“How worse can it can Leah?” Collin says, he was already annoyed and tired of this whole thing.

“Worse by Nick literally burring Mickey deep so far in his self-conscious that it’s possible Nick can keep him inside.  Pushing Mickey’s alter is going to make him want to fight more. Right now we need Mickey to fight. We need someone who is going to get through to him. Right now it’s definitely not you.” Leah tells him and that pissed him off.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?!” Collin says to her, furious right now.

Now it was Leah’s turn to get pissed off. “First of all calm your shit down; you know I’m not the one! Second of all you dickhead, if you didn’t figure it out by now. Nick does not like at all. I think he even hates you.  We need someone who Mickey loves and trust. We need someone who can get through to him while Nick is still present.” Leah says to Collin

“Okay whatever, but I got through to him before.” Collin says

“Yeah and now from what you told me with your last encounter with Nick, he hit you. You were near him and Mickey didn’t appear right? Nick hates you in fact he probably has been able to suppress Mickey from coming out when he sees you or is around you. And that hate can be feeding him to keep control or whatever the fuck he has with this Ian guy.” Leah says

“Okay so who the fuck can I get to help my brother if not me.” Collin says “Colt maybe.” He says thinking out loud.

“No! Mickey doesn’t love Colt, you know that. That I know for a fact.  He cares for the guy but doesn’t love him. He doesn’t even tell us he love us. Plus I don’t know, I know my brother” Collin sighs and continues on “Or at least I think I do”

“Then we have to find some way to get to him. Maybe talk to Ian and have Ian talk to him.  Convince him that Nick’s not well.” Leah says to Collin with a serious face.

But Collin didn’t like that idea. What if Ian didn’t want to listen to him then he thought of course. “Mandy!” Collin says looking at Leah “Mandy can get through to Mickey. They were always so close or use to be. I know she can.” Collin says

“Does she even believe he’s sick, because she didn’t seem to believe you or me when we talk to her and Iggy?” Leah says she was skeptical and figured Mandy still didn’t believe that Mickey was sick.

“She has to Leah; she even said he acted different with her. But if anyone can get through to Mickey it is her.” Collin says to his wife

Leah nodded and said “Okay.” and with that they took the first flight they could to get back to Chicago.

**********************************************************************************

A few days after they got back to Chicago things were great. Ian was working weird hours being a new rookie he would get the graveyard shift or the morning, or night shift. Of course it annoyed Nick, but he managed to have Ian fuck his brains out every day.  Yeah you can say he was really active, like really active. Debbie went to school and started hanging out with a few new friends from school and she had to work tonight at the dinner. She would check in and come back to the apartment at a respectable time of course. Things were good, till one night when it happened again.

_ “Please stop!” the little boy cried out. Mickey was in the corner of the room, and Nick went up to him. “Are you here to help?” Mickey said to Nick. Nick simply grabs his hand “Yes” he said. Then the dream jumps to the man and the lady. She touching him and Nick is looking away from the camera. “No, no, no. Look at the camera Nick.” The man said and the woman simple takes Nick’s face and forces him to look. The man comes up to him and kisses the young boy. He was 12 years old, only 12 and he remembers this; he looks away trying to force his face away, but the woman grabs his head and is digging her nails into his scout. He winces in pain and keeps his face towards the camera. “See is that so hard. We need you to be a good boy Nick.”  The man says, and then he sees him. He sees the man behind the camera smiling at him from behind. He’s the shadowy man that Nick hates. He’s the one who started this. Nick looks at him with such disgust as the other man next to him touches him. The whole time as this man is touching him violating him, Nick is looking at the man behind the camera. Tears fall down Nicks face and the man next to him continues to touch him and then he feels a sting of pain and screams. “Stop it! Stop it that hurts! You’re hurting me please leave us alone!” Nick screams and is trying to fight the man off of him. But he can’t and it hurts. What this man is doing to him. It hurts over and over again. Nick closes his eye tight waiting for it to be over and yet it feels like he’s suffocated like it won’t be over. When will it be over? _

Nick wakes up sweating and breathing heavy again. It’s dark in the room; and Ian’s not home yet. “Not again.” He says to himself. He puts his hand to his eyes and squeezes it tight while still breathing heavy. He gets up and gets dressed, he can’t be here. Not unless Ian’s here. He needs to get fresh air. He writes a note for Ian and leaves it in front of the door and leaves the apartment seeing as Debbie wasn’t home yet from work.

The dream felt so real again. He hates that he remembers but knows it’s his job to protect Mickey from those memories he hides. Doesn’t mean he has to like it. Nick is walking down sidewalk smoking a joint paying no mind to the world around him. He stops and notices he’s walking towards Milton Lee Olive Park, near the Navy Pier.  When Nick was a teenager he always used to run away from home, everyone thought it was Mickey but it was Nick. He would go here to get away from the bullshit and if he got in trouble by the cops. No one ever looked to find him here. He’s texting Ian telling him that he walked pretty far and was at the Navy Pier down by the docks and that it wasn’t too far from the apartment if he didn’t mind walking, that he was there.

He finishes his Joint and takes out a cigarette and starts to smoke it and that’s when he sees he’s faced with Mickey again. Looking at him from the mirror that was there near the Pier.

“Ugh. God you again?” Nick says to Mickey and turns away from him

_ “Yeah that right Nick I’m back. You really can’t get rid of me that easy. Even you know that. You know because of your lack of responsibility and that really isn’t you. We’re not healthy and it's getting to you. But I can help if you let me out _ .” Mickey tells Nick

“Heeeellll fucking No. Which is it? You think I’m fuckin crazy or just fucking stupid to let your ass out.” Nick says

“ _ Damn it Nick! You have to let me out. I can take care of us!” _ Mickey yells at Nick

“Can you leave me alone? Just leave me the fuck alone Mickey. I can take care of myself… Shit I’ve been doing this for a long fucking time. Why the fuck do I need you for now.” Nick spats out to Mickey.

“ _ You sure about that? You won’t even let me try to take care of myself and I know your falling apart I can feel it Nick.”  _ Mickey tells Nick.

“This definitely has to stop and I have to get rid of you.  I get it okay, I understand. I know that me and you have always taken care of each other. but like I told you before that’s over now. My turn to live, my turn to be happy, whether you or your fuckin family likes it or not!” Nick tells Mickey in a more determine demanding voice.

_ “You know that’s not how it works Nick. How many times are we going to argue about this.” _ Mickey argued to Nick

“As many times as I fuckin want and need to okay.  I have had your fuckin back Mickey so many times! So many fuckin times it’s impossible to count…..” (he sighs now looking at Mickey dead in his eye of the reflection in front of him. “Look the fact is, I don’t need you anymore, but you need me. So why don’t you do us both a favor and let the strong one win here okay? I have always taken care of you, Mickey, okay. I have never nor will I let anyone every hurt us Mick.” Nick says to Mickey.

_ Mickey shakes his head and looks at Nick with glassy eyes “I can’t. I won’t.” Mickey said lowly to Nick and then changes his tone of voice again. “You think Collin isn’t on to us by now. I know he told Iggy and Mandy, I know he must have.  You’re always running away Nick never asking for help. Not even from that guy Ian.”  _ Mickey says to Nick.

Nick gets upset and frustrated “Again asshole, Ian is not some guy! I fuckin love him. And as far as I’m concerned, Iggy, Collin, and  _ Mandy _ are not my siblings, not my family. There yours Mickey yours, not mine! They never have been!” Nick says

“ _ Nick this has got to stop! Give me my life back I want it back!” _ Mickey Yells at Nick

“Why?! Huh… so you can be involved in a loveless pathetic relationship with a guy you don’t love! Yeah okay, I get it and know it; all you do is care for him that’s it. I let you out and what are you gonna do huh? You gonna go pretend to play house with Colt. So you can run back to big bro and big sis and do what!? Huh? Do nothing but be fuckin miserable and alone like you always feel. And don’t try and fucking deny it Mickey I know what you do in the bathroom when you think you’re alone but you’re not…Don’t forget we share the same body, so your marks are my marks to asshole…...None of them have been there for you. Not Collin, Not Colt, Not Iggy, and Not Mandy! She hasn’t been there for you like I have!” Nick says pointing to himself. “I’ve helped you, so you can be happy. So you can be free. I’ve been the only one Mickey, the only one to be there for you when no one else was! Whenever you needed me, I was there not them, ME Mickey ME!” Nick yells at Mickey and Mickey put his head down and frowns at what Nick is telling him.

_ “Nick…. Nick you know you can’t live on your own like this. Even with Ian.” _ Mickey says sadly

“Oh yeah? Like you can now? You’re the one that still needs me here. Not me Mick I don’t need you!” Nick snaps back and Mickey

_ “You won’t even let me try Nick. All you want to do is destroy me. Like you said, ‘get rid of me for good’ and I have way too much to live for to let you take that from me.” _ Mickey says to Nick pleading for him to understand. His alter had to understand that they couldn’t live like this. But before he can go on and continue on that was when they were interrupted by someone they didn’t expect to see.

“Mickey?” The person said and Nick turns around with his eyes wide open.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that Happened. Who do you guys think is calling for Mickey? Hmmmm sorry I had to put a cliff hanger in there. i hope you still love me xoxooxoxoxoxo


	16. The Power Struggle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's the next chapter I didn't want to leave you guys guessing who walked in on Nick and Mickey conversation. IF i am not minor trigger not so much. Mention of past abuse is light here. But I can tell the next two chapter are going to be well heavy . Again love your comments and kudos and subscription. I hope you enjoy this chapter as much as I did writing it.

“Mickey?” Mandy says in somewhat of a curious yet concern voice, which then alerts Nick that she was there and he jumps not looking towards the voice on his right that called Mickey’s name.

What Nick didn’t know was that Mandy had spotted him down the Navy Pier and started to walk towards him. She saw him and he seemed to be talking to himself. She saw that he was looking at a mirror near the pier, but also turning away and talking as if to someone else. Mandy was a little concern as she got close to her baby brother, as he did not know she was walking towards him. If Collin and Leah were right she wanted to be careful, but also not alarm him as well. She read up on dissociative Identity disorder and saw a few articles of people who had multiple personality disorder. But she still couldn’t grasp her mind on the fact that this could happen to Mickey. Her Mickey, her baby brother who she did miss talking to and being around with.

Mandy stood there staring at Mickey, and Nick just looks at the mirror keeping his eyes on it and looking at Mickey.

“ _ I’m sorry Nick. I can’t help you now… You’re on your own with this one. Just don’t hurt her again like you did last time okay? We need her, if there’s anyone you can trust it’s her, and she won’t judge you or hurt you. Whether you like it or not…we need her…please, for me please _ .” Mickey says to Nick. Nick can tell Mickey was hurting, and that made his job difficult because one of his main purpose in life was to prevent Mickey from hurting.

Nick eyes look down and tries to study the floor, as apart of him knew Mickey was right. Even when he was younger he went to Mandy. Even though she didn’t know it wasn’t Mickey, going to her and beating up some of the guys for her when she asked him.  Just then as Nick was looking at the floor of the pier Mandy walks up to him and views him. He looks different. His hair was spiked up; he had two earrings on his right ear, one on top and the other at the bottom. It appeared he even had eyeliner on that looked like he must have slept in it, or didn’t clean it off his face right. His clothes were different tight shirt baggy jeans, shit he even had black nail polish on.  

“Mickey?” Mandy says again facing him looking at him.

“Don’t” Nick says to her still not looking at her and turns away from her still looking down at the ground

“Okay. Just tell me what you need me do Mick...I-I I haven’t seen you in long time.  What do you need?” Mandy says to him in a soft voice

Nick looks at Mandy then looks at the sky and back at Mandy and says “I need your help” he says firmly

“Okay… okay I can help you. We’re family. I don’t know why you think you can’t come to me anymore. I’m your sister okay. Just let me help you.” Mandy says to Mickey softly again.

“You are not my sister” Nick tells her firmly then looks away and sighs loudly, and turns away from her face. She wasn’t his sister. Even though he would go to her when he was younger, she rejected him a lot of the times. Even teased him once or twice; he remembers all of that. Before they found out what Terry did to him, it was bad for Mickey, and Nick was the one who was there for him. Always no matter what, but did Mandy love him? He wondered if she did love them.

“Why would say that? Why….why would you think that.” Mandy says to him in a hurt voice. She was hurt, here was her baby brother telling her that he wasn’t his sister. Why?

“Because….. I don’t feel it Mandy…. I want to…I want to know and feel what everyone else feels. (Nick turns around and continues to speak to Mandy) To know what it is like to have siblings and love them…. But I can’t. I don’t feel it.” Nick tells Mandy and is looking at her dead in her eyes. She knows somethings off, but it can’t be can it.

“Is that why you ran Mick… Why you said all that fuck up shit to me? Is that why you haven’t been around lately or at all? Not one call, text or even an Email? Collin said you were in the hospital but didn’t really say why. Just said that you left; is that why you left the hospital… Where have you been Mickey” Mandy asked and patiently waits for Mickey to answer

“Where I’ve been?” Nick chuckles slightly then continues to talk “Living my life Mands….doing what I want, what I need to do... My own life… A life that I never image that I could have… One where I ain’t got no one tellin’ me what I gotta do, or how I gotta do it! I can do whatever I wanted… Be whoever I fucking want… Shit I’ve had so much fun and let me tells you” Nick says and walks toward Mandy and says “It was a fucking blast being on my own and that is how I like it!”  Nick eyes were glass but he held his emotions in, not wanting her to see how vulnerable he is.

Nick looks away and stares at nothing as he continues speaking to Mandy. “It was like that you know…but then I found Ian….Ian, he’s my home…he gave me a home… a place…his life… and if I stay here I loss him and I can’t fucking lose him! If I leave I’m never coming back, ever!” Nick says to Mandy as he turns and looks at the mirror and Mandy is now behind him.

“Why Mickey? Why would you think you had to leave? Leave us?  Look Mick if you have fallen in love-“ Mandy starts to say but Nick cuts her off

“Mickey hasn’t fallen in love. I have damn it! … fuck!” Nick turns around and looks at Mandy.

“Mickey hasn’t fallen in love, you have.” Mandy says in a curious voice and her face displays a ‘what do you mean Mickey? You’re Mickey’.

“You know, (Nick starts to say and pauses for a slight moment) I was always such a problem for Mickey… everyone fucking adores him… they love him…Yeah they love him, they can only love him and not me.” Nick chuckles and continues speaking. “You know that shit makes me fucking sick! But anyways Me, I’m living the life... and at first it was all partying... sleeping around, doing what every drugs came my way… fucking whoever I wanted. Dancing and living life freely... (Nick chuckles to himself) you know? (He looks up at Mandy and gives her a smirk and continues to talking)  So not like Mickey….(he then tilt his head slightly to the right and squints his eyes at her and says) Then I realized that you know you can’t be in this world alone, you know? You need like help sometimes or some shit… (Nick then straightens himself up and looks at Mandy again) See me and Mick were like the ying and the yang. Except Micks the ying and I’m the yang...I got the sexy part of the deal.” Nick laughs and turns away from Mickeys Mandy.

Nick simply shrugs his arms and continues on talking “Now, I don’t know with him… he’s a fucking pain in my ass…but fuck me because I don’t know what to do without him…I mean fuck… we been together for so longs I just… I just don’t know you know? …I’m scared…fuck I’m actually fuckin scared.” Nick says it as if he’s saying it to himself like if Mandy is not there.

Mandy is just looking on hearing her brother speak. “Bro… what are you saying” Mandy says and she frowns and she furrowed her eyebrows at him.

“I’m afraid of being the person I am now.” Nick says still not looking at Mandy and has his back to her.

Mandy for some reason has to hear it, she needs to know. Because right now this shit just can’t be real, but if it is; she has to know. So she goes for it and asks him. “Who are you?” Mandy says lowly. Nick turns and looks at Mickey’s sibling, but doesn’t say anything and just looks away. It’s as if he didn’t hear her.

“Tell me who are you?” Mandy demanded.

“It doesn’t matter (Nick shrug his shoulders and ignores her questioned) ... you know I didn’t think I can love anybody…or that anybody could want to love me.” Nick chuckles again but continues. “Till me and Ian got into that fight. That was the first time we met… You know I thought he was playing hard to get, but he was being an ass on purpose. But I didn’t get it. So I hit him and then well the rest his history.” Nick says then looks at Mandy again and she has a confused facial expression, yet a scared one as well.

“You know what, it’s getting too complicated, long story short shit happens and I’m here. So you know what, Ima just go cause I don’t want to repeat none of that shit.” Nick says and he’s about to leave but then stops when Mandy speaks to him.

“Wait please Mickey, tell me something!” Mandy pleads to him and continues on “You… you’re not Mickey are you?”

Nick turns around and looks at her as he says. “Nope… no I’m not” Nick says looking at her.

“Who are you? Rather what’s your name?” Mandy asked curiously.

“Nick” Nick says and holds his hand out to Mandy. “Nice to meet you…Get it…the name I mean.  Mick, Nick.” Nick says to her causally like it’s nothing to him.

“You’re an alter? So Collin was right?” Mandy says

“No I’m a person just like you. And everyone else and I thought you said Collin didn’t tell you much?” Nick says firmly to her.

“Oh My God Mickey!” Mandy can’t help it but it comes out

“It’s Nick” he says firmly again looking at her dead on her eyes so she gets it.

“I’m sorry Nick... I don’t understand any of this… How…how did this happen?” Mandy’s loss for words. She doesn’t know what to do now. Her big brother was right; Mickey is sick and is in front of her right now.

“Well shit happens right.” Nick says as if it was casual thing to always say.

“Why does Mickey need an alter” Mandy ask him trying to compose herself

“Are you really that stupid” Nick asks Mandy looking at her like she is.

“So when we were at the apartment you… it was you, you said that shit to me.” Mandy says with anger in her eye and realization that she was angry at Nick and not Mickey. It’s confusing of course but she just--

“Yes!... God. I wanted to hurt you... back then… but Mickey well; Mickey seems to think we can benefit from you I guess. Saying we both needed you or some shit like that.” Nick says looking away and walking a few steps away from Mandy

“Collin knew, he…Fuck that’s why- shit. When-when-when Collin told me and Iggy we didn’t believe him, well I didn’t really. We figured maybe he was just overreacting when you left the hospital and that you’ve been gone for so long because, shit maybe you did take our advice and take a long vacation. Or that maybe you were like fucking mad at us for some shit and just wanted to cool off…because we can’t mentally…fuck!” Mandy says rambling on and it’s annoying the hell out of Nick now

“Oh god…you are completely fucking clueless ain’t you... shit I’ve been me for months almost a years in a way; shit a long time actually.” Nick says to her as he thinks to himself gesturing in a way that he doesn’t acknowledge that he’s there and is completely unfazed by Mandy’s reaction or anything really.

“What?”  Mandy says looking at Nick confused and shocked.

“Shit. Me running away when we were kids, spending money, running away again and again, fighting, the tattoos, getting suspend in school. Shit I was having fun since forever!” Nick says smiling to himself “Me and Mickey” Nick says in amusement of how much fun he had. While Mandy looks at him with a ‘what the fuck face’

“That was you?” She says and is silent for a few seconds but continues to speak. “You can’t keep doing this. You can’t live Mickey’s life like this! You can’t live your life like this!” Mandy tells her brother, not thinking and then she thought maybe she shouldn’t have said it like that. If the information she read was right, and if an alter feels like he or she is being threaten than they can easily run. She didn’t want that, it seems like Nick had been running anyways.

“That why I have my own life now… With Ian! … And I’m not gonna give that shit up not for you not for any! Not now or ever!” Nick says loudly and firmly to Mandy.

“Well don’t you think you need to go back to the hospital… you have to see the doctor; I’m sure Leah can be there and Collin did say-.” Mandy says but she didn’t get a chance to finish because Nick cut her off quickly.

“What! No way…So you can get your Mickey back... Fuck that shit. What you people want is to integrate me… and No! I’m staying! You all just want me to disappear!” Nick says and makes a gesture to her that he’s putting his foot down.

“No No, I don’t want that Nick. Trust me okay. I can help you. I promise you, you won’t disappear Nick. Your health-“ Mandy was cut off by Nicks out burst again.

“Oh go the fuck to hell! Yah bitches don’t give a shit about me okay… Yah just want Mickey back, but that ain’t happen.” Nick shouts at Mandy

“That not true… I care… I’m sure Collin does to and Iggy. I love you no matter what. No matter who you are or what you are!” Mandy says looking at him. Her eyes are widen and glassy likes she about to cry.

Nick looks at her and then looks away “No you don’t… Nobody loves me... nobody but Ian. He loves me for who I am… not some boring asshole who lets his boyfriend bully him and take shit from his sister and brothers. Not some mechanic... no he love me!” Nick says to Mandy and turns around to look at her.

“Nick you’re my brother… I love you no matter what. I know what it means to have a mental disorder you of all people should know…Having severe depression with PTSD sucks, remember? Shit I don’t know if you remember when I was in the hospital; but of all the people you guys know that.” They were both silent and Mandy was looking at her brother and Nick was looking at her. Mandy had been diagnosed early with depression and PTSD from being rape. She felt like it was always her fault, and would be triggered easily by the dark and closed places. It was hard for her, but Nick remembered that day. He was the one who found her. She had taken a bottle expired sleeping pills and drank away trying to numb the pain she said.  It landed Mandy in the hospital for 3 months.

Every day was a struggle for Mandy, but now. This was about her brother, she needed him to know she understands how the world outside can look upon a person with a mental disorder and judge them. Judge them without knowing them. Nick would run and she didn’t want him to. But then again she knew she could not push him either, because that would make him run faster.    

After a few minutes of silence Mandy began to speak again “You are a strong person. I can see that now… You’re protecting Mickey from something that happened to him years ago aren’t you. What those people did to him. He has to know that Nick” Mandy says

“You think you’re so clever… there’s way more to it than you or Collin know… More to it than anyone knows…That’s why you want to get rid of me. But guess what Mendi (Mandy) you guys will never know what truly happened to Mickey as long as I am here. You think those videos show it all.” (He walks up to her and says in a low dangerous voice) “You have no fucking idea.” And then he walks back and turns looking at the view in front of him 

“Then what happen to him, to you…tell me so I can help you guys out” Mandy demands

“I don’t have to tell you not a god damn fucking thing.” Nick says snapping at her

“Mickey” Mandy says pleading and let slip out Mickeys name.

“Nick” Nick says firmly again.

“You have to get well Nick. Please I can help you, we can help you. Your family.” Mandy says pleading to him

Nicks’ head was starting hurt and he places his hand on his head “I can’t do this… this is too hard.” Nick whispers to himself but Mandy heard him.

“Mickey. Nick please I can help you.” Mandy says again desperately. But Nick is shaking his head and keeps mutter something to himself saying no I can do it. Leave me alone. Just over and over again with his hands on his head

“Nick” Ian says as he just walks in on the Milkovich siblings. Mandy is looking at Ian with who the fuck are you face.

“Nick are you okay?” Ian says walking towards Nick completely ignoring Mandy now.

Hearing Ian’s voice helps Nick and he manages to straighten himself out and looks up at Ian “yeah.” Nick says looking at Ian now and smiles at him. “Lets just go home. Please.” Nick says.

Ian nods his head and Nick grabs his hand and they turn to leave. Just as this is happening, that was when Mandy spoke.

“No wait! Hold the fuck up?  Don’t go.” Mandy says. She had no idea who this guy was but had a feeling it was the guy Nick was talking about earlier. This is that Ian guy. She knew she was getting through to Nick, but now he closed himself up.

“I’m taking him home” Ian says as a matter of fact.

“You don’t know what you’re dealing with here? We have to help my brother.” Mandy says.

“Look I’ve been dealing with shit my whole life okay. I know what I’m doing, and I’m taking Nick home.” Ian says firmly to her holding on to Nick.

“Please can I talk to you, look just for a moment. Look I don’t know you or anything like that. But… but look you seem to like be a reasonable person, and before I go fucking mad and want to kick your ass, can we please just fucking talk.” Mandy says. She was hard-core and a very strong person, she had her demons yes but she always managed get what she wanted. But right now she needed to reason with this guy to get her brother to come home.

“No Ian please let’s just go okay.” Nick says.

Ian looks at Nick then back at Nick’s sister. “One you can’t kick my ass, I don’t hit woman but my sister does, and two I will talk to you. But only for moment then I’m leaving with him and we’re going home without you.” Ian says firmly to her.

“No Ian please don’t” Nick’s cut off by Ian who then kisses him and says “it will be okay alright…She can’t make me change how I feel about you okay. Me and you… versus the world, remember. Hey and don’t go disappearing on me alright” Ian says to Nick and gives him a reassuring smile.

So this is Ian Mandy thought to herself.  She looked irritated with this man but also pleased at how he was so protective of her brother. Even if her brother was not well, she could tell this man cared for him “My brother is sick. Please, he needs help, you don’t know what’s wrong with him, or what you have to do in order to get him well. He needs to get help.” Mandy starts off saying to Ian.

“What? What is so wrong with him?” Ian says to her.

“He’s sick… he needs help... You don’t know my brother like I do okay. You don’t understand about mental illness I’m sure.” Mandy started to say, and well let’s just say that was the wrong things to say to Ian Gallagher of all people.

“First of all you don’t know me. You don’t know what I have been through. I know about mental illness I’ve dealt with it before okay.  So don’t go fucking assuming shit you know nothing about! You or your brothers know nothing okay!”…Ian says to her angrily and is able to stop himself from becoming angry. It wasn’t her fault, but she had no right to assume that he couldn’t take care of Nick “…Look you don’t know Nick like I do. He’s full of life and so much joy… He can take on the world if you let him… I know enough about Nick to know he means everything to me…He is a real person just like me and you okay. I might not know your Mickey. But he’s not my Nick. We want to be together. We want a future together and I can take care of him. We want to wake up to each other every morning, we want to travel, and make fucking stupid ass dinner dates and random outings, and shit start of family one day maybe. But he is a person okay just like me and you. There’s nothing wrong with him!” Ian says looking at Mandy. She could tell that this man would protect Nick. A fire of fight that literally burns in the light.

“He needs help… please” Collin now says and both Mandy and Ian turns around to look at him in surprise. They had no idea that Collin was there overhearing everything and view what was just happening.  It turns out that Collin was going to meet up with Mandy and tell her what happens in New York. She was simply walking towards the Pier to get some fresh air and clear her mind. That was how she spotted her baby brother, and she had already told Collin where she was going to be. So when he got there he would go find her at the benches she always sat at.

“If he needs help I can give it to him… I care for him and I love him.” Ian says firmly to the siblings in front of him

“And we believe you, but please if you love him… Let him go…. Let him get the help he needs. Let him come back home with us so we can help him…If you truly really do love him…leave him here with us.” Collin says to Ian.

And of course, Nick was overhearing everything and was getting more nervous than ever. But this was Ian, he made a promise to Nick and he loves him more than anything, but still, it made Nick feel on the edge.

“Ian!” Nick says from behind him.

“It’s for his own well being Ian, he needs help, he needs to be hospitalized,” Collin says

“Are we going or not?” Nick says now grilling Collin from behind Ian. He was pulling on Ian’s jacket now.

A part of Ian wanted to say yes I will help you, but then again Nick was a person. Plus from what Ian saw, Collin and Mandy weren’t bad people that Nick made them out to be. If it was his sisters or brothers Ian would want to help them any way he could, but then would he take them away from the one they love? How would that be right? Ian knows what it’s like to lose the one you love. And in front of your eyes nonetheless. No he can’t do this. Nick is his partner now.

“Yeah… Yeah we’re going babe.” Ian says and turns around and grabs Nick hand.  Nick and Ian left and walk away hand in hand with each other. Ian held Nick close to him, because the fear of losing him was very real now. Nick just held on to Ian just as tight. This was his life, he needed to live it, Mickey, had his time already.

“Fuck” Mandy says looking at Collin. “He really is sick.”

“Yeah and his alter is fucking annoy and stubborn.” Collin says pissed off now because once again shit got crazy and out of his control.

“We have to do something, he can’t do this to Mickey, and that guy Ian…God what do we do. He’s in love with our brothers alter or a part of Mickey or whatever the fuck. I mean would Mickey know?” Mandy asked Collin.

“I don’t know, but I call Captain David. Turns out Ian’s a new rookie at one of the precincts. He’s a cop Mandy and in a way he’s not breaking the law.” Collin tells her looking at his phone trying to text Leah about what just happened.

“Shit so our little brother got himself a cop and a fucked up personality. That’s just great Collin! Really fucking great!” Mandy says sarcastically.

“Really Mandy? Being sarcastic with me isn’t going to help right now. Plus, look we have to get him to the hospital or at least convince Ian to let him get some help.” Collin says now. “Nick is in charge and without Mickey this is going to get worse.”

“Can’t we just say he’s ill and have him committed? … I mean it sounds harsh but” Mandy says more to herself but out loud for Collin to hear her.

“Can’t, I tried that. He’s not really a danger to other, or himself for that matter. Plus the courts said apparently they would need proof. We gave them proof, but since he’s not a real danger to society he’s okay to live his life. We have no consent from Mickey saying if he were ever to get sick that we would be in charge of his well-being. So even if we did say he was sick, all Nick has to do is put on a show for the court system saying his Mickey and then we would be fuck.” Collin says dryly

“What the fuck seriously?” Mandy says looking at her brother shock.

“Yeah, all he has to do is lie and say he’s Mickey and say he wants nothing to do with us. Making us look like we’re harassing him…” Collin says with a sigh “Come on lets follow them at least. Ima call Colt, see if he can help figure something out.” Collin says to Mandy.

“What? You sure that’s a good idea? From the way Nick talked about him and it was somewhat brief, but you can tell he hates him. And you know I don’t care for him at all. Plus since it was Nick I was apparently talking to all those months back in Mickey’s apartment.  He doesn’t like Colt, at all, which means me and him have something in common.” Mandy says. She wasn’t sure that calling Colt in was a good Idea. She didn’t like him at all.

“Yeah but maybe he might be able to get through to Mickey, if he talks to Nick. I’m out of opinion here really Mandy.” Collin says as he was dialing Colts number.

“I have a bad feeling about this already.” Mandy says to herself and walks with Collin as he’s on the phone with Colt.

************************************************************************************

Nick was walking ahead of Ian as if nothing just happened, and Ian had enough of it. He needed to know everything. Everything about Nick, his past and what he did and what he was hiding. Because now Nicks’ family was becoming more involved now and is trying to make him get help. Plus they were his brother and sister and Mandy seemed like she cared about him, he overheard her telling him that. So Ian couldn’t understand why Nick said that they were bad horrible people. It made no sense to him. And as much as Ian wanted to help; Nick needed to tell him what he needed to know first.

“Nikolai” Ian says to Nick, but he doesn’t respond to Ian. Nick is just walking happily so Ian decided okay lets’ try something else to get his attention.

“Look babe, look what I got. We’re going to enjoy this, well rather I am” Nick says holding up a bottle of vodka and rolled up joint in his hand.

“Mickey!” Ian shouts to Nick.

Nick stops dead in his tracks and then slowly turns around with his eyebrows raised up high and looking at Ian as he speaks “Why did you call me that?” Nick says and sounds pissed off.

“It’s your real isn’t?” Ian says sarcastically to him “... And I need to get your attention.” Ian says to Nick seriously now.

“Well you got it.” Nick says seriously back glaring at Ian now, pissed off “What do you want?” Nick said with a hiss of venom in his voice to Ian.

“I want you to stop running… stop acting like this is not big thing because it is Nick. I need you to be honest with me right now!” Ian said eagerly to Nick.

“So My crazy ass family is trying to change your mind about me already Ian? Or have they already controlled and mole that shit into your fucking head already about me being crazy and needing help? Huh?” Nick says and Ian frowns at Nicks words to him.

“Look I can’t do this anymore… I have never pushed you for any kind of answer before. But now I want some. No fuck that I deserve something!” Ian says to Nick.

“What’s the problem Ian?” Nick says to Ian annoyingly because he was done with this shit already.

“The  _ problem _ Nick! … The problem is that I’ve spent my life with you for almost a little over a year and I get no explanation or anything. I’ve had to look for you in different places when you disappear, we just got hitched because well fuck were fucking crazy ass idiots okay.  I have fought with you about stupidest shit and you still can’t be honesty with me.” Ian says.

Nick rolls his eyes and crosses his arms over his chest and shakes his head at Ian “You knew the situation ight… You knew I had secrets, I didn’t tell you that I was perfectly okay. (Nick is pointing at Ian now as he spoke) You knew it even when I told you about Mickey. You even knew it before you found out about Mickey. You knew...(Nick backs up a little from Ian still looking at him as he spoke to him) and now you wanna what?  Negotiate or some shit… Come the fuck on Ian! What do you want me to say?!” Nick says.

“The fucking truth! Look I love you. I have dealt with a lot of crap to be with you Nick. Look enough is enough… I am not going anywhere until I get some answers out of you.” Ian says firmly to Nick.

Nick takes another step back, looks at Ian up and down and makes a face and turns around not looking at Ian. “What? We get married and you think you can order me around.”  Nick says and takes a few steps forward before turning around quickly and shouting at Ian “WHY ARE YOU DOIN THIS!” Nick screams out, wanting Ian to stop right now because this shit was too much to bear at this moment, his emotion where everywhere and he needed to control them.

“Because Nick I love you…I want a life with you… because every fucking time you lie to me about shit…you (Ian points at Nick at the same time speaking) fucking ruin any chance we have to be with one another Nick…. Fuck, can’t you see that.” Ian says with urgency in his voice. His eyes are glassy and yes, he was emotionally drained because having the one person you love not tell you the truth hurts. Keeping the truth away from the one you love and not having them trust you, hurts. Plus Ian didn’t want Nick to bare all of it on his own.

Nick was silent for a moment before he spoke. His eyes were glassy as well, but he be damned if he let a tear shed and let his walls come down. “You know what. I told your stupid fuckin freckle ass I was trouble didn’t I… I fucking told you I would ruin your life… that I would somehow-I don’t know manage to fuck you up, and everything else. But you didn’t listen to me.” Nick says to Ian looking at him face to face.

“And I told you I want a life with you,” Ian says to Nick slowly.

“I can’t do this shit right now…I go to bed every night scared that I’m gonna disappear and never see you.” Nick says to Ian then continues a few moments later. “That I wake up and I’m living another life without you,” Nick says walking away from Ian and moving his hand through his hair trying to figure out how they got from where they started at, to here right now. It became harder to control how he felt for Ian when he met him, and now Nick is stepping on terror that is dangerous for him. Letting Ian is full will surely be disastrous. He can’t do that, not to him and not to Mickey.

Nick is brought out of his train of thoughts when he hears Ian speak to him. “Is that why you hide and you lie Nick…Is that… fuck Nick you're scaring me” Ian says because he really is scared of losing Nick as well.

Nick turns to look at Ian and shakes his head no as he speaks to him. “No! No-no-no Ian please don’t. Don’t leave me. Don’t be scared of me-please.” Nick says quickly and emotionally to Ian. Nick was at the point of tears now and it was hard to keep them in.

“I’m your life. I’m you’re everything… but even I’m worried about you” Ian says to Nick lowly as they stand close to each other.

“Worried about what?” Nick says sound small and raising his eyebrows up at him.

“You move in your sleep at night and cry sometimes.  You think I don’t notice or know, but I do… It’s your sanity baby… I’m afraid ….I want you to be real so badly” Ian says.

“I am real Ian.” And at the same time, Nick’s eyes start to sting.  “Please, you have to believe that,” Nick says with tears coming down his face. Now he is crying because the one person he loves in the whole world thinks the worst of him.

“You better be, because I need you,” Ian says looking at Nick and trying hard to not let the man he loves see him cry. If Nick needs Ian to be strong for him than so be it. “Our family needs you to be real Nick. Me, Debbie and you… Us together starting something. Shit, Debbie’s like an added bonus.” Ian chuckles at that last part, but Ian said it with so much heart in his voice that it made Nick tears fall down even more.

“O-Our family… it that what you think of me… as your family? Me?” Nick says choking on tears.

Ian cups Nicks face with his right hand and said “Of course I do...What? You think our time meant nothing or that this means nothing to me or you” Ian says holding his left hand showing his wedding ring. “Nick we love each other so much we found each other in this big fucking world. With our fucked up lives and shitty as family…I found you. We found us. I need you to be honest with me now more than ever if this is going to work at all.” Ian says honestly to Nick.

“I love you. So please; isn’t that not honest enough for yah?” Nick says to Ian with pleading eyes.

“No…Damn it, Nick, what are you running away from…What are you hiding from that you can’t tell me? What is it that’s making you too scared to be honest with me? Me of all people! Please, Nick, tell me…Tell me what is eating at you inside about Mickey that you can’t bear with. Let me help you babe” Ian says to Nick.

Nick gets up and walks a few steps away from Ian. “You don’t get it Ian….A perfect family wasn’t something I had… Never had a home you know…I had a fucked up dad, I had no mother. I had brothers and sisters who were there but never were there for me. They were never home and always so absent even when they were home. When everything was happening right in front of them…it was as if they turned away from me and left me…Like we were nothing. Just extra space I guess.” Nick says and his eyes were heavy and glassy as he looks at the sky above him.

“Sounds almost like every house on the south side of Chicago,” Ian says absent minded

“Well you didn’t have to live my life…..” Nick says but was silent for a moment. He remembered what it was like living with Terry. Going to those houses or hotels, being recorded, being humiliated, touched, tortured, hurt beyond any ones though, and Terry. Fucking Terry!  He dealt with it, not Mickey. Mickey couldn’t handle it so Nick did. He protected Mickey even now, because that is what he does.

“So tell me” Ian demands

“Yeah, you want to know huh? Well okay…sure why not” Nick says sarcastically then his expression on his face turns blank. Then he speaks “So it is a somewhat fuck up world you know. Yeah, a fucked up world... If you didn’t fight for yourself you were taken alive. Eating away, and miserable; death would be easy for most people. Except….except imagine you are alive but in a big black hole. One that you couldn’t get out of.” Nick says staring at nothing.

“A lot of kids like us felt that way Nick,” Ian says in response to him.

Nick shakes his head sadly and frowns “Yeah well not like……hmph… Not like this.” Nick sniffs and shook his head. It was as if now he was remembering his past. Going into another world speaking to himself yet still speaking out loud to Ian.  “You know you do what you have to do to in order survive... Just to survive and stay in control. And then you're surprised that one day…that one fucked up day Mickey is in that big black hole curled up all alone. He’s screaming like literally screaming, crying wanting for it to stop. Wanting for someone to help him and rescue him. He’s you know, all alone, no one to take care of him, to find him or help him from….” Nick chuckles dryly and shakes his head and continues while staring at nothing and talking. “He prays, prays for strength and Mickey tries so hard, so fucking hard to be strong but he can’t. He’s scared and he doesn’t know what to do…He imagines this, this person…this helping hand that reaches into the darkness of the black hole he’s in.  A hand that’s like his you know, but only  _ stronger, more tougher, more fierce _ ! Someone who can fight the demons and take the bad people away.” Nick says and reaches his hand out and clenches his fist as he says these words to Ian.

“He created someone… (Nick laughs quietly), he created someone to fight those battles he can’t win…. The ones he can’t face alone.”  Nick says and turns to look at Ian now. “That perfect Mickey everyone loves and cares so much for creating a not so perfect Nick… Yeah, he created me.” Nick says Looking at Ian stone cold in his face as if he was challenging him.

“So Mickey created you,” Ian says repeating the same words Nick said to him. He’s taking in all this information all at once. WOW!

“You heard me! I didn’t stutter, I didn’t whisper it or anything! You know what it is. You know what it means okay!” Nick says to Ian in a defeated yet fighting tone of voice. His face was emotionless, he was holding back his emotions from Ian and right now he had to because it was the only thing he knew how to do. Which was to protect himself, but to also and always protect Mickey.

Ian is still processing all this information and has to say it out loud so it can be real. “You’re not Mickey…You’re Nick. So you split to another person?” Ian says to Nick trying hard to figure out what he was saying to him still.

“Well fuckin great for you Ian! Someone, please give the man a fuckin prize. (Nick says sarcastically)  Call it what you want Ian. Multiple personalities, D.I.D. Say it fully why don’t you! Dissociative. Identity. Disorder. Call it fucking crazy or whatever the fuck you want! That’s it, man… Mickey is the body and I’m just fuckin squatting here man... face it! You feel in love with a ghost. A nobody I guess. I’m not even real…happy that’s the truth Ian, that’s what you want to hear… You fucking happy now! Hmph!”  Nick says raising his voice at Ian like it was nothing to Ian, but Ian knows what Nick is doing.

“So you are really two people?” Ian asked

“Yeah well, two for one special from what we know. That’s like the like the fucking happy meal with a toy or some shit right… you fell in love with a basket case man” Nick says to Ian like it was nothing, but inside it was hurting him.

“Don’t talk like that” Ian says to Nick firmly

Nick looks at Ian now and does a double take before he speaks “Like what Ian! Face it, man, you were taken for a ride, Ian. The fact of the matter is you got the reject. You got me unfortunately okay.  The fuckin short end of the fuckin stick dude. You were the guy that got on the bus and was taken for a ride man.” Nick says to Ian. Nick was trying now to push Ian away, so that way Ian wouldn’t wake up one day regret everything, and regret him for that matter.

“I said stop fucking talking like that….Did you know? Or did you not know?” Ian asked Nick.

“It does matter Ian, you fell in love with a ghost. Someone who does exist okay; I’m not real, you can go and fuck off and do whatever you want now.” Nick says sadly about himself. This was it… nothing last forever with him. All because of fucking Mickey…who was he kidding, it was all because of him and Mickey.

“So you’re really Mickey?” Ian asked

“Yup! Nick, he’s just a fucking tool man. He causes too much trouble for his own good. He’s a fucking jerk that doesn’t even deserve to live.” Nick says about himself and looks away from Ian.

“I told you not to talk like.” Ian says more firmly at Nick than before.

“It does matter what the fuck I say okay… I hate this shit ight…. So you know what? Why don’t we just call it as it is okay? You leave and go your way and I go my way. Fuck it all Ian!” Nick says and goes to turn and leave but then-

“No this is not over Nick.” Ian says while grabbing Mickey/Nick before he can turn around and leave. Nick was good at many things and disappearing was one of them. That Ian was sure of.

“Look Ian…I’m not your responsibility okay. You don’t have to do this. None of this it’s okay.” Nick says to Ian looking away from him now.

“I’m not just gonna let you walk out of my life like you’re nothing to me.” Ian says

“Come the fuck on Ian. You don’t want me okay. Let just cut our losses here and now.” Nick says pathetically with no heat behind his voice. Trying to get Ian to fight with him right now was hard. It would be better if they just went separate ways, so that way they can break this all off. So that Ian didn’t have to deal with Nick, because he didn’t sign up for any of this.

“I never said I didn’t want you,” Ian says quickly to Nick with no hesitation.

“Oh yeah because having me who’s a nut job makes it all better right. It’s your fucking wet dream right?” Nick says sarcastically to Ian.

“I never said any shit like that okay Nick. Think what you want okay. But I want you. All of you okay. I wouldn’t leave you and you don’t want that.” Ian says to Nick with a bit if a kick in his voice.

“Why wouldn’t I huh. Everyone leave anyway.” Nick says walking to the side of Ian leaning on the wall now.

“Yeah well, not me. This is different, it’s complicated yes… but I love you and you’re not a big fan of that, which I think is weird because you are in a way…. Or was I always just one of your one night stands or fuck buddies” Ian says to Nick trying to tease him a bit and lighten the mood.

Nick looks at Ian surprised and shocked at the same time “Don’t fuckin say that shit okay. You know damn well your more to me than that!” Nick says.

“Then why are you so set on trying to push me away… is it Mickey? Are you protecting him and yourself from me? DO you want to leave and argue with me now?” Ian asked

“No... I-I Don’t know okay, But I don’t want to leave you!” Nick says

“Then I guess we got something else in common right!” Ian tells Nick.

“And what is that?” Nick says to Ian.

“We both don’t want to leave each other and we both needed to know that. Neither one of us knows what the fuck is going on, so let's figure this shit out okay. Together me and you, us verse the world right.” Ian says while pointing back and forth to him and Nick. Nick just nods his head and smiles at Ian.

Ian leans in and kisses Nick. They stood there for a while kissing and holding each other, being in their own little bubble. If the one you love was in trouble would you not do everything in your power to try and help them? Be with them, save them, and if by any means necessary protect them. But what if protecting them is only causing them more pain. What if trying to keep them safe and being selfish would lead to your own heartbreak? Could you or would you still protect them, still try and save them. And yet still love them knowing that loving them is what will cause your own heartbreak.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My work and school schedule is crazy this week. But I will promise to up load another chapter soon as I did write it but I need to edit and add more. Love to reading you guys comments. thank again xoxoxoxox


	17. Say My Name!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone here's another chapter. There is some minor violence not that much. I hope you enjoy this one. In addition I love that you guys are enjoying this story. I can sometimes doubt myself with it and then I stop writing even though I have the next 2 chapters ready I still doubt myself. But any ways I love all your kudos and comments I do read them . Enjoy. Let me know what you guys think about it.

Both men were exhausted from everything, the emotions and physical aspect of this night just drained them. They continued walking down the pier kissing and hugging each other and were about to make their way back to the apartment. But suddenly they were stopped.

“Nick?” Colt said curiously out loud. Collin had told him a few things about the situation quickly and felt that maybe he can get through to Mickey.

Nick turns around with Ian. “Oh My Fucking God! Why can’t you people just leave me the fuck alone already!” Nick says and Huffs out.

“Look I’m not going anywhere not until I talk to Mickey.” Colt demanded

“So I’m guessing they told you to right asshole.” Nick chuckles and shakes his head in disbelief.

“You’re sick and you need to help” Colt says forcefully.

“Oh fuck you okay. You think you know everything but you don’t! Your just some reject wanna be doctor who settled to be a piss poor fucking nurse okay. And you have a long wait ahead of you aight. Cause Mickey ain’t here asshole, and he’s not coming out.” Nick hisses at Colt. It was then that Ian decided to step in.

“Look I know what’s going on here and I get it okay. At least now I’m figuring it out but right now what Nick needs to do is go home.” Ian now says and step in because right now no one was taking Nick away. He was going to figure this out and help Nick on his own.

“Excuse me who are you?” Colt says Looking at Ian now.

“He’s my man asshole! You know, the who’s the bigger man than you, and in all the right place to by the way.” Nick says with a smug look on his face.

Ian tries hard not to laugh and just smiles at Nick and half rolls his eyes at Nick comment about him. “He’s right actually I am. And who the fuck are you?” Ian says ready to actually fight this guy.

“I’m Colt. Mickey’s boyfriend” Colt says dryly

Ian raises his eyebrows now and looks at Colt up and down. Ian thinks to himself ‘so this is Colt’.  “Look none of this changes the fact that Nick is in charge and he doesn’t want anything to do with you. So we’re going home.” Ian said not giving a fuck what this guy has to say. He didn’t like Colt from what Nick told him, this guy was a really something else.

“He can’t be in charge, he’s got a sickness, he’s not real!” Colt says frustratedly at Ian

“No I am NOT.” Nick says raising his voice now.

“Mickey created you…he going to be cured and all you’ll be is an aspect of a personality. You’ll just disappear and be gone!” Colt was annoyed and furious now.

Nick then steps in front of Colt and looks him dead in his face “Yeah well you know what asshole! This aspect has a name, and his name is Nick. And you assholes better get use to calling me that because the power struggle is over! ….Mickey is never coming back.” Nick says seriously in a very deadly intimidating tone of voice towards Colt.

Colt figured he would play this game with Nick, so he decided to try and befriend him hoping for the best at this point. “Look Nick. I would like to talk to you. Me and you, we barely know each other.” Colt said softly to him.

Nick looks at Colt now. He tilts his head to the side and squints his eyes at him and thinks ‘A complete 360? Yeah no this asshole is full of shit.’ “Yeah you know what asshole, I have got some major problems with you and I’m sure you already know what they are.” Nick says glaring at Colt and is making a fist.

“But here we are…talking” Colt replies back to Nick.

Nick then started to get a headache again. He put his left hand on his head “Yeah whatever asshole.” Nick says as his head is hurting again.

“Nick, are you okay?” Ian says, Ian is concerned even more now.

“Why won’t you talk to me huh? Come on for Mickey sack.” Colt says as he is trying to continue to get through to Mickey.

“Leave him the fuck alone okay, can’t you see your upsetting him.” Ian says to Colt now getting in his face.

“No, he’s doing this to himself! He’s trying to stay in control. He’s trying to keep Mickey away from the people that love him, who want to take care of him and help him.” Colt argues back at Ian

“STOP IT!” Nick shouts between his teeth. Nick headache was lightening up, but then pain of struggling to stay out was becoming overwhelming. Mickey was fighting back and Nick was fighting just as hard back at him. 

“No. His family needs him. They need Mickey, I need Mickey back, Mandy needs Mickey back, your brothers need him back, and your god daughter. When’s the last time you saw her Mickey. Remember her, remember Collin and Iggy.” Colt shouts to Nick.

Nick was sobbing trying to fight off Mickey now. It was getting hard with Colt reminding him of everyone.  But it was only making Nick more pissed off, because he hated Colt so much. “ _ You heard him Nick. They need me! They need me back, please. Just let me out, let me out so we can get help.”  _ Mickey says to Nick. Nick is holding his head now with both his hands in pain trying hard to ignore everything.

“I need Mickey, I love him and I know he loves me.” Colt yells out.

And that was all Nick needed for him to fight back, because in reality Mickey didn’t love Colt and Nick knew that. How couldn’t he; he is Mickeys alter and he knows Mickey more than anyone else. So Colt was being an asshole trying to rile up Ian. “STOP IT! He doesn’t love you! My name is Nick… say it!” Nick shouts out at Colt almost getting in his face.

“No I know you’re Mickey!” Colt shouted back out to Nick.

“SAY MY NAME! SAY IT!” Nick screams at Colt, just as Colt went ahead and grabs Nick by his arms and that was when Ian steps in and shoves Colt away from Nick.

“Get your fucking hands off of him.” Ian shouted out to Colt. Just then 3 officers approach them along with Captain McCain, Mandy and Collin.

One officer grabs Ian from behind and pulls his arms behind his back and was trying to restrain him. While the other officer grabs Colt and removes him from Nick hold.

“Get the fuck off of me. I’m a fucking cop you assholes!” Ian shouts to the officer behind

Nick grabs his head again because the pain is becomes more and more worse. He kneels down to the ground in so much pain. “Somebody help me please!” Nick cries out as he is holding his head with his hands. His headache is beyond worse now. Just then the third officer goes and kneels down near Nick trying to help him.

“You’re going to be okay sir.” The officer says to Nick and at the same time Ian is yelling at the officer that is restraining him. “Get the fuck off of me!” Ian then looks at the officer that is near Nick while still being restrained by the other officer “You’re hurting him, get the fuck away from him.”

“Mickey it’s okay, you can do this fight it! Mickey!” Colt shouts to him. The officer was still restraining him not letting him go.

“No, no. Stop calling me that, that’s not my name.” Nick says in a low whisper.

Ian was trying hard not to actually put the officer that was restraining him on his ass. He had the skills to do it, but being a cop he didn’t want to lose his badge already. But Nick needed him as well, and seeing Nick in pain was hurting Ian, he then looks at the officer best he can and tries to speak “Check my pocket man, it has my badge okay. You have to let me go to help him.” Ian says pleading to the officer.

_ “You wanted my life Nick! Well you got it okay! This is my life you have it right here. This big shitty mess you made.  Look what you doing to Ian, look even Mandy knows, Collin, Iggy; they all know! You can’t run and hide any more Nick. You have to stop, how can you start a life like this with Ian huh? Look At Ian! Your only hurting him. It doesn’t have to be this way Nick.” _ Mickey says to Nick.

Nick looks up from the ground “Yes it does!” Nick says in lowly

“What did he say?” Colt says still being held back from him.

“Yes it does have to be this way!” Nick says again to himself.

“What going on?” Captain McCain says as he approaches the scene.

“There was commotion over here sir, we came to check on it, and we saw these two struggling and this young man seems to be in some sort of headache. The paramedics should be here soon. And this guy over here says he’s one of us” The officer says gesturing to Mickey as the young man, and Ian as the cop.

“Yeah he is. He’s a rookie, let him go.”  Captain McCain says to the officer holding Ian.

_ “See Nick; the ambulance should be here soon. It’s going to be okay. We can help each other now once everything is settled.”  _ Mickey says to Nick.

Nick eye widen and is shaking his head “No” he says still shaking his head

_ “You can’t do this alone Nick please. You’re not that strong, you’re not strong enough to handle this on your own! _ ” Mickey says to Nick.

Nick is still shaking his head no “You wanna bet.” Nick says in an evil way.

Captain McCain walks towards Nick “Okay Mickey I called the operator and told them to have the paramedic rush over here okay.” Said Captain McCain and then he walks over to Mandy and Collin. But just as he was about to say something to them, Nick then shoves the officer that was near him on to the floor and then punches him in the jaw and grabs his gun from his holster and points it at Colt and the other officer with Colt in front of him. “Okay so here’s the deal. You’re gonna let me and Ian go. Were gonna go home and far the fuck away from you fuckers! Or I fucking shoot this mother fucker.” Nick says to Captain David McCain.

Ian looks at Nick shaking his head no

“Mickey” The captain says

“It’s Nick call me Nick okay, that’s my fucking name. Now let me and him go home!” Nick yells out.

“Mick” Colt says as the officer releases him and now both officers had their guns on Nick.

“NO DON’T!” Both Mandy and Collin scream out to the officer. Both siblings are now being held back from Captain McCain. They were worried that there brother was going to get shot.

“Do not shoot him.” Officer McCain says to both officers “Hey Man it’s okay alright. I just need you to put the gun down okay, let’s talk about this”

“Nick, it's fucking Nick you dumb fuck! I’m not your Mickey. He’s gone.” Nick yells out to everyone and at the same time the Captain spoke.

“Okay Nick… look I just need to talk to you okay.” Colt says taking a step towards Nick

Nick points the gun higher at Colt “No!” Nick says to Colt.

Colt stops in his tracts and does move towards Nick anymore. “Okay I get it. I know your part of Mickey. I want you here with us. You know I love Mickey, you know that.” Colt begins to say but then Nick cut him off.

“What part of No I don’t wanna fucking talk to you did yah stupid ass ain’t get. Shut the fuck up now Colt.” Nick says ‘” _ Nick he needs me, they need me please let me out’ _ Mickey says to Nick “Stop fucking talking okay… Get the fuck away from me now.” Nick says as the gun in his hand is still pointed at Colt.

“Colt Leave him the fuck alone before he shoots you, you dumb fuck! If he shoot you and they shoot my brother I’m gonna fucking murder you. You’re only making it worse! ” Mandy screams at him. She knew it was a bad idea to involve Colt! She told Collin this, but he didn’t listen.

Colt of course ignored her. “Look at me Nick” Colt says again trying to get Nick to see him and hoping Mickey would come back to him.

“No! Ian tell him to shut the fuck up! Stop talking to me!” Nick shouts out.

Colt tried to say something but Ian cut in glaring at Colt “Nick?  Baby look at me okay…Look” Ian says to Nick, who did in fact does look at him now. Ian is more closer to Nick so he decides to take a careful step forward to him at the same time while speaking to him. “You don’t want to do this okay baby. I love you okay. And I know you love me. I know that right.” Nick just nods at him “Now everyone thinks Mickey’s the good one right. Well I know you…. I know you’re good to….What they don’t know is that you are good; you just don’t want them to know that right?” Ian says to Nick hoping to calm him down.

“Right” Nick said with tears coming down his face. He looks like a child at this moment crying for help.

“My Nick, Well My Nick, he doesn’t take shit from no one. He’s a loud mouth fucking pain in my ass who loves to fight…but this is not you okay baby.  _ Give me _ the gun Nick.” Ian says and places his hand out in front of Nick. “Nick please give me the gun.” Ian says again and pleading with the man he loves to give him the gun so nothing would happen to him.

“I am good Ian…They have no idea that I am…I am good.” Nick says out sobbing while handing the gun to Ian. Just then one office and Captain McCain come from behind Nick and place handcuff on him.

“NO-NO Ian tell them! Stop! Tell them to stop! NO-No Get the fuck off of me!” Nick yells out and is fighting, just then the ambulance came and two paramedics come to the scene.

“You don’t have to do that him” Ian says helplessly as he see them holding Nick down and restraining him.

They place Nick on the stretcher and put him in the ambulance as he is screaming and literally kicking.  Ian then runs to the car and drives off behind the ambulance not giving a fuck about traffic laws at this point, or caring what he left behind.  It’s going to be a crazy fucking night., and he just knows it is.

*************************************************************

Nick is screaming and yelling at everyone at this moment as they bring him in to the hospital. Cursing at all the doctors and nurses out, he was trying hard to remove himself from the restraints they had put on him while he was laying on the hospital bed.

“LET ME GO! GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME! GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS THING! Get this the fuck off of me. IAN… IAN… IAN!  Help me! Tell them I’m okay tell them I’m fine.” Nick says to Ian who is trying to calm Nick down but is failing at the moment.

“It’s going to be okay I’m gonna get you help.” Ian said to Nick in a rush.

“Mickey please just calm down.” Captain McCain tells Nick

“Fuck you that not my name you assholes ITS NICK!” Nick yells at him and spits at him at his face.

“Mickey please!” Collin tries to say but Nick it’s not having any of it.

“Don’t fucking call me that name asshole! You know why this is happen so fuck you! I’m Nick, Not Mickey! Nick! Now get this shit off of me.” Nick yells at Collin while he was trying hard to get his hands and arms free.

“Nick okay, okay we’ll call you Nick. Please just calm down.” Collin says but Nick ignores him.

“Can someone give him something to calm him down” Captain David says to some of the nurses.

“Were going to take care of you” a nurse says from behind Nick

“GO TO HELL this whole fucking place can fucking riot in hell for all I care! LET ME GO! FUCK!” Nick yells even louder

“Please give him something to calm down” Collin says while next to the Captain

“No! No please Ian! Don’t let them take me please! Please don’t let them give me anything. You Promise me you would never let anyone hurt me! Please Ian! Don’t let them take me away!” Nick says shouts out in a burst and pleading with Ian to do something if not anything right now.

“Nick” Ian tries to talk but then is cut off by Nick

“No Ian you don’t understand, there going hurt me! Stop them! Ian help me please don’t let them do anything to me PLEASe!” Nick is hysterical yelling and trying hard to get out with tears in his eyes. “Does anybody around here fucking listen!” Nick continues and refuses to go down without a fight.

“Nick it’s going to be okay alright, it’s going to be okay” Ian tries to tell Nick to try and calm him down because he doesn’t realize he’s making things kind of worse for himself.

“Untie ME NOW! UNTIE ME! Please tell them I don’t need to be locked up” Nick says yelling as he is being rolled in on a stretcher with restraints on down the hall.

“Sir you need to relax” one of the nurse said to Nick

“SHUT THE FUCK UP BITCH!” Nick snaps out at the nurse yelling at her.

“Mickey” The captain shouts out.

“FUCK YOU! Nick! It’s fuckin Nick, does anybody listen. What the fuck.” Nick yells at the captain trying to remove the retrains from his wrist and trying hard to kick his way out at the same time.

Ian was about to say something when a female doctor walked near them she was average height slender, dark brown hair with light brown eyes. “I can take it from here” She says.

“Are you sure? He’s very strong and is verbally aggressive.” Someone says to the Doctor

“I got this, what happened?” Doctor Jimenez says as she walks in and sees her patient is in restrains and is fighting against it and yelling at everyone.

“He was at the Pier and talking, long story short. He pulled a gun out Colt and then knocked one of my officers down, he lost it. I didn’t want to restrain him but I had no choice.” Captain McCain tells Doctor Jimenez

“No you did the right thing.” Doctor Jimenez tells the Captain

“You wouldn’t know the right thing if it bit you in the ass you fucking asshole!” Nick yells out.

“I need 20 milligrams of Haloperidol” Doctor Jimenez tells the nurse

“No! No. Ian don’t let them; that for crazy people. Please I am not crazy.” Nick is begging Ian.  Just as Nick is talking to him the nurse give him a shot “ouch you BITCH!” he said. “Don’t Ian please, don’t leave me!” Nick words are slurring and his eyes are dropping down but he’s fighting the heaviness of his eyes.

“Take him into the room.” Doctor Jimenez says and Ian tries to go to the room, but she stops him “Family only sir I’m sorry.”

“What I am family!” Ian says and just as he’s about to say something Debbie come in.

“Ian! Ian what the hell happen I got your voicemail. Where’s Nick what’s happened?” Debbie says rambling on.

Just as that was happening Doctor Jimenez looks at Collin and says “what happened?”

“A lot, Nick was at the pier and Mandy saw him and she was talking to him. Then Ian came, and him and Nick left, but I called Colt filled him in briefly and asked him to come by in hopes that maybe Mickey would come out. Then I don’t know shit got crazy and out of hand.” Collin says.

“I told you not to call him! I fucking warned you Collin!” Mandy says she is so furious with what just went down. She then turns to Colt who was there and spoke to him. “Look right now He doesn’t need to see you okay. You set him off pretty fucking bad, so just leave.”

“Okay.” Colt says annoyed at her and walks off.

“And you.” She walked up to Ian and she saw Debbie. She recognized her from the dinner. “Right now you should just go home okay. You’re not doing anything good with him like this.” Mandy tells Ian.

“I’m not going anywhere.” Ian says to her, he was putting his foot down.

“You really think staying here is helping him? He has his family here with him; we’re not going to hurt him.” Mandy says to Ian.

“We are his family too you know.” Debbie cut in saying to Mandy. Ian wasn’t alone and there was no way she was going to let her brother be alone here. The Gallagher stick together.

Mandy snorted at Debbie “thought you didn’t know my brother, when I asked you.”

“Well your picture was faded and plus I know him as Nick, not Mickey. For all I know he could have been running away from home and not wanting to go back. So technically I didn’t lie. What I did was protect my family.” Debbie says with a stern look on her face raising her eyebrows at Mandy.

Mandy simply chuckles and shakes her head. “Your feisty one aren’t you.” Mandy says and just walks away and left the two Gallagher’s alone.

That was when Iggy walked in and saw his brother was in restraints and officers near his door. What the fuck happened to him he was all he was wondering. So he went up to Collin and notice two red head as well, but ignored them to see what had happened. “Why is Mickey trapped up in a bed surrounded by cops?”  Iggy says asking Collin.

“It’s a long story Igs. Mickey pulled out a gun on Colt and it fucking went bad okay.” Collin says and Iggy overhead the tall redhead snort and say something under his breath

That was when Iggy turned around and saw Ian. “Who the hell are you? Did you do something to my brother?” Iggy asked

Ian just smirks he met all of Nicks siblings and he knows who this must be. “You must be Viggo. No I didn’t do anything to him. Smart ass over here set him off.” Ian says pointing to Colt who still hadn’t left yet.

That was when Mandy cut in and just had enough of the fucking blaming game. “Look okay No one did anything to hurt Nick or Mickey or whoever the fuck he is right now okay.” Mandy says out loud.

The Captain then steps in and approach the Milkovich siblings “Look guys I’m going make sure that Mickey doesn’t have to face any illegal problems okay. I’ll let you get this situation settled and I will handle the other stuff.” Captain McCain says to them and looks at Collin now and spoke “Let me know if you need anything kid.” And he walks off.

Iggy still wanted answers, he ignored everyone around him and asked his question again to Mandy now. “That still doesn’t answer my question I asked before. Who the hell are you and what do you know about Mickey?” Iggy says to Ian and looks at Mandy “Mandy who the fuck it this guy and why is acting like he’s Mickey’s boyfriend or some shit?” Iggy now says as he steps next to his sister.

“I don’t know Mickey I know Nick. And none of you so called family member are listening to what he’s saying or what he wants.” Ian says and turns around to walk outside to smoke a cigarette. He lights up the cigarette in his hand before walking out the door. He needed it now and didn’t care if there was a no smoking policy.

Meanwhile while this is what was happening with Nick and Doctor Jimenez. They were both talking in his room.

“Well Hello Doc.” Nick says laughing but continues to talk “First Mickey’s brother now you, then that fuck head Colt. They certainly are callin in the big gun on me today huh.” Nick says and rolls his eyes at her.

“Hello Nick.” Doctor Jimenez says to Nick softly but he didn’t say anything to her. He just grills her with a pissed off look. He didn’t want to be here and she knew that. She continues to talk when he doesn’t say a word. “Your safe here Nick. You’re going to get the best and excellent care. I promise you this, as soon as you feel up to it.”

Nick huffs out a laugher “Oh yeah you mean get rid of me and make me disappear right?”

“Not at all…You and I both know you’re not going anywhere.” Doctor Jimenez says to him and Nick is just shaking his head looking away from her. He doesn’t say anything so she continues to try and comfort him the best way she can for her patient. “We can start to work this out Nick. I don’t mean you any harm; you don’t have to run anymore…And Mickey doesn’t have to keep anymore secrets.” Dr. Jimenez says to Nick

Nick looks at Dr. Jimenez, shakes his head and smirks at her. “Ha…ooooh that sounds really nice. But I know what you’re up to Doc!” Nick says and sucks his teeth at her. “But it’s not going to work. I am never gonna give in, and just so you know. No he’s not fuckin ready I should know of all people, and yah know what?” Nick then sits up and looks the Doctor Jimenez in the eye and says “You can take your fucking bedside manners and your fucking integration fantasy’s and go fuck yourself, along with everyone else in this fucking place!”

“Nick, please tell me why are you so angry?” Doctor Jimenez asked Nick

Nick becomes emotional for a moment and his voice is small as he speaks to the doctor “You have me tied down…I don’t like to be held down like this…You fucking fuck are fuckin filling me up with knockout drugs! Why the fuck do you think I’m fuckin pissed off…”

“Okay that’s fair enough Nick. Next question, what would make you feel not so angry anymore?” Doctor Jimenez asked Nick

Nick looks at Doctor Jimenez and answers her truthfully “I wanna see Ian. I want to go back to home with him. He’s my home, and I want our lives back. I want a life with him.” Nick says and tears come out his eyes and he looks away. All he wants is for Ian to be here, to not leave him. He wants him so bad that it hurts to not hold him or feel him close.

__________________________________________

“Oh great….” Ian says as he walks outside for a smoke

“Didn’t they tell you to leave?” Colt tells Ian in an irritating voice.

“Fuck you man, I’m not going anywhere!” Ian says to Colt. Ian so wants to punch him in the face and kick his ass. But then he would get in major shit. He can’t do that right now. Not when his lover needs him the most.

“What the hell's the matter with you…You know how sick Mickey is? Why don’t you get that? Nick is just an aspect of his personality.” Colt says angrily because now he knows where Mickey has been this whole time. He’s been with some guy, another guy that’s not him. Colt is beyond pissed.

“Ahh so what you’re a fucking doctor now?” Ian says sarcastically to Colt “You know if you were thinking-“

“No if you were thinking he wouldn’t be tied to a hospital bed right now. He would be with me home and we would be together!” Colt says with his voice getting louder.

Ian steps closer to Colt. “Yeah well if you hadn’t come along he wouldn’t be here stuck in a hospital bed with them fucking putting needles in his arm or fucking shoving meds down his throat to calm him down.  Oh but No! You fucking people are holding on to something he obviously doesn’t want!” Ian shouts at Colt

“He is  _ Mental _ ill.  I can’t believe it? What kind of person are? Someone who would take him away from his family, from his doctors, from his support system! What the fuck is wrong with you?” Colt says back shouting at Ian

“His support system!? His What!? Yeah okay, that some fucking support system ‘Hey Nick, be exactly what we tell you to be. Fit into some perfect aspect of what the boyfriend and brother outta be and don’t even try and be who the fuck you are just go and hide under a fucking rock.” Ian shouts out back sarcastically. He was even more pissed off now more than ever, and this guy was going to get it.

“We’re trying to HELP HIM!”  Colt yells at Ian.

“Help!? How the hell can you force him to be someone he doesn’t want to be? How can you; you fucking asshole take advantage of him.” Ian says in a more deadly voice. Yeah Nick did tell him what Colt try to do to Mickey. What Colt does do to Mickey that no one knew about.

“What?” Colt said shocked at Ian’s tone

“Nick told me what you almost did to Mickey. How the fuck could you try and force yourself on him. Huh. Drunk and all right, probably not your fault, right? Does his brothers know you hit him when you’re drunk? I mean he does fight back with you, but you always put your hands on him. Always starting with him, even though I know he does kick your ass. But do they even know what you say to him? The cold fuck up things you say to him.” Ian’s voice is more harsh and he was making a fist as he is inching closer to Colt.

“Fuck you! You don’t know shit about my relationship with him okay. And beside like I said, Nick is not a person. Mickey is a person. Nick is a fucking liar” Colt spat back at Ian

“Oh I know plenty asshole, and Nick is a real person you dick! And that’s one thing he’s not, he’s not a liar, he is real! He’s the realist person I know. He’s real enough to fall in love, to make choices to do things.  He’s real enough to want to get away from you and stay the fuck away from you.” Ian says.

“So you keep him away from his home and family-“ Colt says but was cut off my Ian.

“If you knew anything about Nick you would know I don’t tell him what to do. He does whatever he wants.” Ian says to Colt

“So you’re unequipped to take care of him and let him be loose….Look if you truly care about him then go back to wherever you’re from. And leave him here with his family, with the people who can take care of him.” Colt says to Ian demanding him to listen.

“Fuuuuuck you mother fucker, you don’t know a thing about me. I can take care of him. And you don’t fucking tell me what to do. Because trust me I can end you and I won’t feel a damn thing about it” Ian says and walks back into the hospital pissed off even more. Colt didn’t know him.  Ian always takes care of the ones he loves. Not matter what.

“I’m not leaving without Nick” Ian says as he and Colt both storm in the hallway, going towards the door to where Nick/Mickey was at. Collin and Mandy stares at them, and just knew at that moment there was going to be a fight. Debbie and Mandy had been talking. Debbie was filling her in on Nick and Ian, and Mandy was talking about Mickey. Both sisters actually had a sense of mind; too bad their brothers didn’t.

“You guys please stop it!” Debbie says to Colt and Ian who look at her at the same time.

“For fuck sacks the both of you cut the shit! And I told you Colt get the fuck outta here” Mandy says standing next to Debbie and that when they heard him.

“IAN! IAN! GET ME OUTTA HERE! IAN... PLEASE!” Nick screams out from the other room as he heard Ian in the hallway.

Collin, Mandy, Iggy, and Leah displayed a worried expression look now, and Debbie was somewhere in between worried and scared. Colt was upset and Ian had a determined look on his face to just rush in and go to his lover.  “IAN!” they all hear it again.

Mandy continued to speak when she didn’t hear her brother speak anymore “Stop this, the both of you, okay. Just STOP IT!” Mandy says

 **************

Nick was in his room trying to scream for Ian, but the drugs were kicking in. He was trying to so desperately to stay awake and call for Ian. The drugs were making his eyes heavy and he was having a hard time keeping them open and speaking.

“Ian” Nick says tiredly.

“Ian is not here Nick; it’s just you and me. I need you to stop fighting the medication.” Doctor Jimenez says to Nick

“No. He wouldn’t leave me…..You can’t… You can’t do this…You can’t just…pump me up… full of drugs like this forever. You can’t keep me away from my life…You can’t…You can’t” Nick says slowly

*****

“You heard him, he wants me in there.” Ian says, but just then Doctor Jimenez came out.

When Doctor Jimenez came out she was annoyed and irritated from the commotion that was going on outside of Mickey’s room “Alright if this continues. I’m going to have to ask you all to leave.” She motion to everyone including Collin and Leah. Mickey was her patient and she was there for him, not them. Her patients always came first, so if anyone was going to disturb her from working with him, they simply had to leave. She didn’t care if they were family or friends, her patient came first always.

“Hey Charlene can we see our brother now please?”  Collin asked her

“He’s resting now. I would like for him to get some rest.” Doctor Jimenez says to Collin. It took a lot to get him to calm down and close his eyes. Nick clearly was a fighter.

“I swear we won’t wake him up, we just want to see him.” Collin says instantly

“Fine but only for 5 minutes he needs to sleep.” Doctor Jimenez says

  ************

“He looks peaceful sleeping like this.” Iggy says which was an odd thing to say. Mandy had filled him on with what happened. Iggy to say was pissed off yet relieved that at least his little brother was safe now.

“You sound weird right now talking like that. Fucking sap” Mandy says smirking at her older brother who flipped her off just then.  

“You know he needs special care.” Doctor Jimenez says seriously to the Milkovich siblings

“We know…Money won’t be an issue for us. But we know he needs to find out and it might break him.” Collin says.

“Yes and when he does. I’m going to need you all to be prepared for any possible outcome. Meaning Nick can be permanent or Mickey and Nick can simply turn into another alter as many individuals with D.I.D have been known to have more than one alter. Also when he does become whole a whole person again, he won’t be the same. He will be him just different him, a new him…a whole him.” Doctor Jimenez tells them.

“Wait so he can have another alter? Not just Nick?” Iggy asked

“Yes” Doctor Jimenez simply says.

“I wonder who’s going to wake up now. Will it be Nick or Mickey?” Mandy says out loud to no one particular. “Or maybe someone else then.”

Just like that, there 5 minutes were up and Doctor Jimenez asked for them to let him rest. She didn’t want them to wake up the youngest Milkovich siblings, seeing as it took her awhile to get him to calm down and let the medicine work. She left to go tend to something.

The siblings walked out of the Mickey’s room and Collin made his way to Ian and Colt’s view “Me and my siblings know you care about Mickey. But we’re asking you if you both can leave. You and Colt.” Collin says to both men who look just as irritated as ever. Just as they were about to say something that’s when they all heard Mickey shout.

“MANDY! Help! COLT! ...COLLIN! MANDY! ANY BODY!”  Mickey screamed out from his room.

“Mickey” Colt rushes to the door but Leah stops him.

“No you can’t. Please don’t go in there” Leah says in a rush.

“Why not Leah; he’s calling for us. He called for me!” Colt says desperately

“Nurse will call Doctor Jimenez please, she just left here. Look Colt, Mickey is in a very fragile state of mind.  We don’t want to do or say anything that will bring back Nick okay. Even if that is Mickey we can’t be so sure right now.” Leah says to Colt. She honestly didn’t want him to go near her brother in law. She like Mandy agreed that they didn’t like Colt.

“But that Mickey in there.” Collin says to Leah

“Yeah and if it is, we need to make sure he stays that way.” Leah says.

Collin walks away from the door and was confused and upset. Colt looked defeated but knew she was right. He went up to the window of Mickeys room and lean against it. He wanted to see him.  Just then Doctor Jimenez came down and she went straight into the room, not wanting to hear anyone or see anyone but her patient.

“Hey Nick” Doctor Jimenez says cautiously.

“It’s Mickey…How long have I been here?” He asked her

“Not long. You were admitted a few hours ago. Do you remember anything?” The Doctor asked Mickey with a small smile on her face.

“A few things, but umm. It’s kind of fuzzy, all of it really.” Mickey says

“Okay I’m just going to do a quick examination on you and then I will let your family know you’re okay alright.” She says to him

“Okay.” Mickey says lowly

____________________________________________________________________________________

When the doctor finishes doing her exam on Mickey, she walked out the door and closed it right behind her.

“How is he?” Collin asked first.

“Well Mickey is back, but he’s struggling hard to stay right now. He’s resting but he shouldn’t be alone for anything in the near future. Not until we start treatment.” Doctor Jimenez says to the Milkovich siblings

“No course not we will make sure.” Collin says with no hesitation.

“Can we do something for him, what does he need?” Mandy asked.

“He’s going to need to have tones of psychotherapy; we’re going to have to get the exact cause of trauma first in order to determine a course of action. With that being said, we have to tell him what happened, and he has to want to remember or at least fight to want to remember. If not then he’s not going to get well.” Doctor Jimenez says to the Milkovich siblings.

“But I thought telling him what happened would cause Nick to come back out.” Collin says to Dr. Jimenez.

“Yes that is why he has to start on therapy right away. In therapy is when I can do my session with him and slowly but surely have him remember what happened to him. We can’t just tell him everything all at once that would be total chaos.” Jimenez says.

Colt then went up to her, he came out of nowhere “Doctor he’s been calling us can we go see him?” Colt asked

“Well Yeah sure you can, just be scares with him.” Doctor Jimenez says.

And all Colt did was nod his head and walks in Mickey’s room. Just as Iggy, Mandy and Collin along with Leah were about to go into the room with Colt, Ian spoke up.

“Wait. What about Nick?” Ian says out loud. No one knew about him and Nick statues and right now he was on the edge.

“The goal is to merge both personalities together.” Leah says to him and Doctor Jimenez nodded in agreement.

“Yeah I know that okay I get that, but is he even going to remember me? Remember anything about us” Ian says sadly.

“We don’t know. Most likely yes; but then again when we help Mickey merge with Nick, it will be then that we know who he really is. He can end up being more of the Mickey most people know with some traits of Nick, or he can have more of Nick’s personality and some of his old self. Or he can simple be a new person altogether, because in the end he will be a whole new person.” Doctor Jimenez says to the group and proceeded to go to the counter to talk to the nurse.

_________________________________________________________________________________

“I was afraid I would never see you again.” Colt says to Mickey and smiles at him.

“I wanted to get back to you all so bad… every time I tried I just I don’t know. I’m sorry.” Mickey says lowly to Colt

“It’s okay all that matters is that your back now. You’re here with us and with me.” Colt says to Mickey.

“I need you all with me. I need you okay. Just don’t leave me.” Mickey says to Colt.

“Well your family is outside; they should be in here soon. They were talking to your doctor.” Colt says and smiles down at Mickey. Mickey smiles a little at him and then frowns.  Colt leans in and kisses Mickey and Mickey kisses him back. He put his forehead against Colt and then leans back on his pillow, looking at him. Just then his brothers and sister came in and Colt walks out without saying a word, letting them have their time together in peace.

Colt walks out of Mickey’s room and went right up to Ian. “You can see for yourself now. He has a family, and friend’s and people who support him and love him. SO why don’t you go back to wherever the fuck you came from okay.” Colt says with so much hate and heat behind his voice.

“No. Nick has a family to. With me and my sister, and my other siblings who do care for him. He has friends he talks to and hangs out with. So fuck you, I’m not going anywhere unless he tells me to. Plus being that I’m married to him I have every right to tell you to go fuck off.” Ian spat out and yeah so that happened.

“WHAT!?” Colt says in shock and looks more pale now.

“Yeah he didn’t tell you. Well sucks to be you. I’m not going anywhere Colt, and I’m going to make sure you don’t hurt him. EVER! Whether he is Nick or Mickey you’re not going to hurt him!” Ian says and walks off because if he didn’t he was going to lose his shit.

Colt looks puzzled and just walks off. How could Mickey let this happen he thought. He wouldn’t even tell him he loved him or marry him when Colt suggested it, but he lets his alter do it for him….

**********

Mickey was happy to see his siblings and was happy to know that they were there for him. “Mandy! Iggy! Collin Hey! ...Leah hey. Where’s the baby?” Mickey says has he hugs everyone and they hug him back.

“She with my mom, How are you feeling?” Leah asked him

“Tired, drained and confused, but mostly tired…look guys I’m so sorry-“Mickey starts to say but he was cut off fast.

“No don’t you fucking dare okay. This is not your fault.” Collin says to him

“I’m feeling better already” Mickey laughs “Hey Mandy, Collin… you guys okay? I know what Nick said to you both and I’m so –“ But again Mandy cuts him off before he can continue talking.

“Shut the fuck ass face. I know okay. It’s all in the past it’s over and its fine. Besides we’re going to get through this okay.” Mandy says to Mickey and smiles at him as she hugs him so tight that he almost couldn’t breathe, but he loved it.

“I don’t know Mands. Nick is fucking nutcase. He has a life all on his own. He’s stronger and I hate to admit that shit.” Mickey says to her.

“We know Mickey. We know. It’s okay I promise it is.” Mandy says sadly.

“Okay” Mickey says in such a small innocent voice and looks away from her.

“Right now the doc said we need to get you right into therapy and that you have to relax.” Collin says to him.

“Yeah. I just want to go home and lay in my bed.” Mickey says half up, half asleep

“Let me see what Charlene says okay Mick” Leah says to him.

“Okay. And hey I want spend some time with Colt if you don’t mind. I ah I have to talk to him, but I want one of you guys to be with me if that’s okay.” Mickey says to his family.

“Yeah I can stay with you. Everything okay” Mandy asked worried now.

“No yeah it’s just…Nick hates him and I don’t know why…..…and the guy Ian? Nick’s boyfriend…um is he here?” Mickey says trembling.

“Uh yeah Mick he’s here. Why?” Mandy asked him curiously.

“I just…I think I should talk to him. I should see him.” Mickey says. He was drained and tired, but he needs to speak to Ian. To clear things up.

“I don’t think that a good idea” Leah says to Mickey

“Look I have you guys here okay. I know you think it’s going to bring back Nick, but it’s not. I got this okay.” Mickey says to his family.

“I agree with Leah.” Iggy now says

“Well why don’t we ask the doctor okay” Mandy says to her brother

“Yeah thanks.” Mickey simply says

Just then a few seconds later Doctor Jimenez comes walking in. “So I understand you want to see Ian Gallagher.” Doctor Jimenez says as soon as she step in the room standing in front of Mickey’s bed.

Mickey nods his head as he speaks “Yeah” was all he said.

“Well I do think it might do some good for you to start facing that part of your life that you have been burying or rather hiding.” Doctor Jimenez tells to Mickey. “It will do you some good in my opinion.”

“So it’s okay then?” Mickey asked her again to make sure.

“Yeah but on one condition thought” Doctor Jimenez answers him.

“Okay” Mickey said and nods at her.

“I have to stay here while you talk to him, be in the room as you to have your conversation. I won’t interrupt unless I feel it’s necessary.” Doctor Jimenez tells him.

“Okay” Mickey says. He’s nervous and fixes his hair and his gown. He doesn’t know why, but he’s nervous. The door opens and it’s him… Okay here it goes. You can do this Mickey.

 


	18. You Only know that You Love Him When You Let Him Go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please if you see any that I missed just let me know so I can fix it. Later everyone 
> 
>  
> 
> Again I love all of your comments and kudos and love. I lack the confidence in my writing but I'm trying to get this story right. And all my information is accurate, its personal story that needed to be shared. Any ways. This had to happen I can promise happiness later on, but right now no. But trust me, this story sure does have a happy ending.  
> Again let me know what you think. I do love reading your comments and it does brighten my day that you guys like the story. xoxoxox everyone

The doors opens and Ian appears in the room and just as she said, Doctor Jimenez was on the side of the room simply staying away, but also observing what was going on with both men.

Mickey looks at Ian for the first time, more in a sense that he really looks at him. He notices a few things about him. Like how tall he is, and that he has red hair, beautiful green eyes, pale skin, and freckles. He has beautiful cheekbones and he’s well built. Mickey can tell. He’s beautiful and looks innocent, but strong as well. And now it seems to make sense as to why Nick chose to be with Ian. Well some of it anyways.

“Hey. So I take it you know who I am.” Ian says to Mickey.

“Um yeah. We meet a few times.” Mickey says to Ian. He is nervous and he looks down at his hands and is fidgeting with the blanket. He has no idea why he is so nervous around Ian.

“Yeah” Ian simply says and went to move close to Mickey, but Mickey was uncomfortable and Ian saw that so he just stood next to the side of the bed.

“Look, I know that you care about Nick a lot.” Mickey starts to say to Ian, because he didn’t know how else to start. 

“I love him. I love you.” Ian says to Mickey so passionately that Mickey almost thinks he believes him or feels it. It’s weird. This feeling, it’s like a tingling feeling in his chest. But Mickey is with Colt and Nick was with Ian. This can’t be.

“Ian. I’m so sorry… But you don’t know who I am.” He huffs out and continues “I don’t even know who I am. The guy that you were with Nick…he’s not real he only exist because I’m sick and once I get well. He’s not going be here no more, He’ll be gone.” Mickey tells Ian and Mickey sees Ian’s eyes are becoming glassy. It hurts Mickey to see that someone like Ian is getting hurt, but he has to tell him the truth. He’s not Nick, he’s Mickey.

“Everyone keeps telling me that, but um you don’t know Nick (Ian chuckles lightly)….. I’m sorry I’m having a hard time with this whole split personality thing.” Ian says sadly his shoulders are low and he looks hurt.

“I know… I know. It’s new for me, weird even. None of this makes any sense really. But I’m sorry…. it’s not fair to you…and I’m also sorry because I can’t worry about that right now I-I I need all of my strength to get well and … (Mickey sighs) and You’re making things harder…..When you’re around I-I get weaker…. Please when you’re around...I just I can’t Ian… I’m begging you... just...don’t try to see me anymore. I need you to” Mickey says but he can’t finish. Why can’t he finish saying what he needs to say to Ian.

“I can’t just leave. You and I…” Ian see Mickeys face in confusion so he rephrases his words “Okay Nick and I we’re lovers, he’s my best friend.” Ian tells Mickey lowly and weak.

Mickey looks at Ian and shakes his head in frustration. “Look I told you, I don’t even know you…(Mickey says a little more firmly) and I’m sorry as for you and Nick. I … I just think that it would be better if you pretended that you never met him. That you never met Nick, that you never seen me or saw me. Ian I….I need you to leave me alone, I need you to leave!” Mickey tells Ian with such sadness in his voice. It almost breaks him into pieces.

Ian nods his head and makes a chuckling sound dryly. His facial expression is hurt. He feels like someone just came in and shot him through the heart… The pain is so much that now his eyes are wet and his tears are coming down his face.

He shakes his head “I see him in you… I see Nick.” He goes to touch Mickeys face but Mickey moves his face slightly away from Ian. Ian takes his hand back quickly and mumbles something under his breath. “He knows you know... Nick knows I love him and he love me to…… But ah…I don’t want to get in the way of you getting better, so um I’m just-you know I’ll go.” Ian says to Mickey in such painful words that are coming out of his mouth. His head and heart are screaming for him to fight. But it’s like he’s up a losing battle. He knows deep down inside that you can’t fake that kind of love not matter who you are.

“Thank you” Mickey whisper looking at Ian and hoping that Ian will forget about him so that he can get better and so that him and Nick can be integrated with him. But when Mickey looks at Ian, it’s seems like he himself is losing something as well, but he can’t figure out what.

Just before Ian goes to turn away he looks back at Mickey and speaks. “You know there’s one thing I can’t do……” There’s silence in the room and both men look at each for a moment and then Ian speaks again “I can’t just forget about you…(Ian has tears coming down his face as he speaks) How can I forget about the best thing that has ever happen to me huh?” Ian says and touches Mickey cheek and looks at him sadly. Ian could have sworn that Mickey lean in to the touch. He takes his hand away looks down and turns around and walks away out of the room.

Mickey looks at the door as it closes. He can’t help it, but he starts to cry. Tears fall down his face, and for some reason Ian’s touch felt so right, but wrong as well.  Right now seeing him leave and telling Mickey he couldn’t forget him makes Mickey heart hurt more. Why would he feel this way for a guy he doesn’t even know? A guy, that Nick knows not him.  Here was Ian this great guy that Mickey only knew through Nick and he dearly loves Nick. But that’s something that Mickey can’t think about right now; because he has to get well again. He’s with Colt or in a way is; he’s not even sure himself.  But for some reason just as Ian left the room; this feeling of utterly incompleteness has set upon him. He just sits there tears coming down his face and he’s thinking to himself. He starts to cry harder and he can’t keep his emotions in check because it hurts. That empty feeling just hurts so much.

_ What did you do?  _ But this time it’s not Nick saying it to him…It’s actually Mickey thinking to himself. He puts his hands to his face and covers it. Wiping the tears off, and resting his head on his pillow. He tells Doctor Jimenez he wants to be alone and doesn’t want anyone to come in. Right now he just needs some alone time.

_________________________

Ian walks out the hospital room and looks at Mickey’s siblings who are looking at him sadly, except Ian won’t take their pity. No one looks down on at him, he makes his way to Debbie who looks at him and grabs her brother and hugs him. Ian doesn’t hug back, it’s like he’s cold and could care less about anything. He ignores her not meaning to as she speaks to him. Right now at this moment, what he’s feeling is as if someone came up to him, and ripped his heart out and he actually feels what heartache feels like. It’s happening all over again.  It’s like this tingly feeling in his heart that hurts. Making him not want to breathe, or even move. It’s as if he’s on auto pilot. What do you do, when the one you love is gone…How do you move on or get over that. Ian wants to fight so hard but how could he… He looks down at his hands and then sees that no… There no way Nick would forgive him if he gave up on him now…But then again, he did always say that the only time he would leave was if Nick told him to leave. This was Mickey telling him to leave, so right now. He was hurt confused with the pain in his heart. It’s like losing Adam all over again, except it's worse now.

Ian walks out the hospital in almost tears. Not knowing what to do or say. Nick was gone, his Nick and Mickey didn’t want him near him at all. That’s what hurt Ian even more; not being able to see him, not being able to hear his voice. Ian makes his way to the car and Debbie was with him. He could hear her in the background talking to someone it seems like, but he didn’t pay attention. He didn’t care really. He got in the passenger seat and then once he was in the car he broke down in more tears. He couldn’t compose himself anymore he was having a hard time breathing. Debbie saw this and ran to the car and opened his door. “Ian! Ian! Breathe please breath!” She says to him.

Everything came crashing down at once. His breathing became harder and heavier and Debbie knew he was going to pass out.  “J-J-J-Just like Adam Debs…..I-I-I-I-lost him.” Ian is barely making any sense and he couldn’t get a sentence out. He gasps for air but it felt like he was choking, like the air wasn’t going in. It was as if he was trying to breathe but nothing was coming in, just nothing at all. If this is what it meant to die from a broken heart then he would be okay with that, because right now that is what it feels like. He was getting dizzy. Debbie was trying to calm him down, all he can see is her not the person next to her. Debbie is trying to get him to breathe but he wasn’t doing it.

“I-I-I-I CAN”T” Ian says choking out and continues to breath heavier.

That was when he passes out. He heard Debbie in the background and someone else, but it was dark now. So now he just wanted the world to be mute, he actually hoped that when he woke up he would not be here, or that this was some fucked up kind of dream. Only…..it wasn’t.

__________________________________________________________________

Debbie managed to get Ian home with the help of Iggy and Mandy. She was talking to them at the hospital and when she saw Ian and in his state of appearance she knew it was a bad. She told Mandy and Iggy she had to get Ian, but when she saw him hyperventilating she ran to him. She thanked god that Mandy and Iggy were there; they helped her get him home and up the stairs to his bed. She thanked them and told them that they didn’t have to do this but Mandy insisted that it was no problem.

“Thanks again.” Debbie tells Mandy and Iggy

Iggy shrugs his shoulders “It’s not a problem. Collin use to get like that when we were younger. Panic attacks and stuff.” Iggy tells her.

“Yeah but Ian doesn’t get that. I mean yeah he did suffer from PTSD, but he says he’s okay. He has been since he came back home…well a little after a while, but he’s fine now.” Debbie tells Mandy and Iggy. She didn’t want to tell them too much. Ian wasn’t really fine when he got home, it took him awhile to get himself together. But he had his reasons.

“Home? Where did he go?” Iggy asked Debbie.

“Oh yeah, Um you guys didn’t know. But Ian was in the Military. He went through some rough shit when he was deployed. But he never talked about it to me. Only to Nick… well I mean Mickey your brother.” Debbie says sadly

“Oh um okay…sorry” Iggy says quietly.

“Nah it’s okay. I get it. I mean it’s not like I didn’t overhear him tell him things. I always ease-dropped and let’s just say what I overheard him tell him. I know why my brother doesn’t like to talk about it” Debbie says looking away.

“Was he happy? I mean here with Ian was he happy.” Mandy asked Debbie

“Who you mean your brother? …(Debbie smile widely) Yeah he was; Was even looking for a different job instead of dancing at the club.” Debbie says chuckling remembering how Nick was applying to different jobs and complaining about how annoying it was that he had to go in a suit and tie to interviews that he was sure he was going to get.

“What!? He was a dancer at a club?” Mandy asked in shock. Mickey never liked to dance even when she tried to get him to come out with her to the clubs he still didn’t dance.

“Yeah! Down at Boys Town, he was one of their favorites. That’s how he and Ian met. As the story goes Nick hit on him, Ian refused and played hard to get and I think they fought I’m not so sure, but they were hooking up ever since then and one day Ian asked him out and he said yes. And that’s just the short version of what I know.” Debbie says fondly as she remembers Nick telling her the story with his eyes lit up like they always did when he talked about it.

“So you’re saying my brother was a dancer and he was happy here?” Iggy says in like a question, but it was more of a statement.

“Yup! When I first met him; he was taking Ian to New York, Ian refused at first but he said somehow Nick charmed him. Honestly ever since Ian had Nick in his life, he’s been actually able to smile again.” Debbie says and there was a silence in the room.

Just as Debbie was showing Mandy and Iggy out the door and thanking them again Mandy turns around and asked her “Hey Debbie Can I ask you something?”

“Umm sure, what’s up? Anything.” Debbie says a little confused and unsure as to what Mandy was going to ask her.

“Your brother, well Ian; he ah he said like Adam. Before he passed out in the car, he just kept saying Adam, that he lost him while we were in the car. So was he like cheating on Nick or something well my brother or…fuck this shit is confusing.” Mandy says to Debbie now facing her with Iggy behind her.

Debbie smiles sadly at Mandy and Iggy “Oh No. Adam well…” (Debbie took a deep breath and sighed) Adam was Ian’s fiancé. He was in the Military with him. He died. That’s all Ian ever told me. No one in my family knew about Adam but me and my little brother Carl. Your brother knows about Adam, well Nick anyways but I’m not sure Ian told him either about Adam as much or his death. It was pretty hard on Ian.” Debbie says sadly.

Mandy just nods her head and her face expression gave off sadness. She knew what it was like to lose someone you love; especially to death. Iggy and Mandy left and Debbie returned into the house and closed the door and was pissed. It hit her right then and there. She too lost Nick who was like a best friend to her. She was pissed, angry, upset, and hurt all in one. But right now her big brother lost him as well. Plus they were married. Yeah she went with them to the courthouse, and she was their witness. But fuck, a part of her knew something would happen sooner or later. It’s just all fucked up right now.

____________________________________________________________________________________

While at the hospital Mickey was upset; Collin didn’t know why, and Doctor Jimenez wasn’t saying anything to him. The whole doctor patient confidentially shit sucked. Not even Leah could get Charlene to tell her what was wrong with Mickey, but Leah knew, she was a doctor herself and told Collin to suck it the fuck up. Whenever Mickey is ready to see people he will. He wasn’t able to go home as he requested either, which Collin thought was the reason why he was upset.

Dr. Jimenez felt that it was best for Mickey to stay a few nights in a private room in the psych ward upstairs. He has his own room which wasn’t bad and he could be monitored better. Plus he would be starting his therapy in the morning. He didn’t know why but he felt sad since Ian left and couldn’t stop feeling sad. He didn’t want to eat much and he kept waking up from flashes of dreams or memories he didn’t know about. It felt like Nick was letting him remember things about Ian, stupid things like how he felt when he touched him or how his favorite color was blue, but he secretly loved purple. Who the fuck loves purple secretly. Or how Ian didn’t like his eggs overcook when they were over easy, or how when Nick made Ian pancakes he like it when it was crispy on the outside just a little, or how Ian loved to lay on the left side of the bed. Or how Ian always loved it when Nick would sing to him and play music for him, or how annoying it was when Ian would get up every morning literally every morning at 4 fucking am and go for a run, then come home wash up and cuddle up next to Nick until he had to leave for work. Mickey was also getting flashes of memories of him apparently more like Nick dancing on a stage with people surrounding him.

Mickey had an overwhelming feeling, and of course he kept it to himself. The first night at the hospital sucked balls so far, when the nurse came in she notice he was up and he told her he had trouble sleeping. So she gave him Nortriptyline to help him sleep. Let’s just say it worked and he was knocked out cold. He would begin treatment in the morning.

Morning_____________________________________________________________________________

Mickey woke up feeling lousy and even more sleepy. He dreamt all night and even though the nurse gave him pills to sleep, he still woke up a few times. In his dream he was running away from a shadow and he was hiding away in a closet, next thing you know it, he sees himself but only younger crying in a corner. It was as if it was real, but it wasn’t. The nurse brought him in some breakfast for him, but he still wasn’t really hungry. He went into his bathroom and just washed up. When he was done he went to brush his teeth and when he looked up at the mirror what he saw scared him again. He saw himself but not him, and not Nick. He drops his toothbrush and tried to rub his eyes. Fuck he was going crazy, on the contrary he is apparently but still. When he looks back at his reflection it was him again. He heard someone come in his room, and he was annoyed because he didn’t want to see anyone and the Doc wasn’t going to show up for like another 20 minutes.

He walks out the bathroom and laid down on his bed looking up at the ceiling just then Dr. Jimenez walks in and greets Mickey. He smiles at her and greets her back wanting to get this day over with. “So Mickey how are you feeling?”

“How do you think I’m feeling Charlene? Tired, annoyed, uncomfortable, confused, but mostly tired.” Mickey says numbly to her not really looking at her.

“It’s normal to feel like that. I want to start you on hypnosis again, but today I think we should talk about yesterday and how everything went down and happen.” She says to Mickey

“I don’t want to talk about it. What’s done is done that was yesterday why can we just start on the therapy and get this over and done with fast.”  Mickey says quickly to Dr. Jimenez, not looking at her face when he says it. He really didn’t want to talk about Ian or his feelings.

“Mickey you do realize that integration takes a while, not to mention me and you are going to be seeing a lot of each other for a while. So you might as well spill your guts to me now.” She says to him looking at him just waiting for his response.

“Well what the hell do you want to know?” Mickey snaps out asking finally looking at her.

“Yesterday after Ian left how did you feel? You completely cut yourself out from your family, and you cried when he left. You told me not to send anyone in and you even didn’t eat and I know you had trouble sleeping last night. It says so on your chart.” She says to him waiting for him to cut the bullshit out and be honest with her and himself.

“I don’t know… I was upset and sad okay. Ian seems like a good guy and I’m the bad guy breaking things off with him. He is Nick’s boyfriend, not mines. Why do I have deal with that, why do I have to tell someone that loves me or a part of me that I can’t love him or that I’m not Nick! For Christ sack Nick isn’t even real!” he snapped out to her

Charlene nods her head at Mickeys outburst. It was what she wanted to hear from him She wanted to hear what he was feeling about everything. No bullshit, but Mickey was wrong about something. “You see Mickey that’s where you are wrong.” Dr. Jimenez simply says to him.

“What? What the hell do you mean?” Mickey asked puzzled from her response.

“Mickey Nick is real. He’s a part of you, no matter what you think and you have to except that. Nick is a part of you, you created him for a reason, and you have to find that reason out. He’s what I would call a protector. He’s the alter that protects you, and for some reason he does things he thinks will help you, that will protect you from harm. It’s why you created him Mickey, because you weren’t able to deal with something so horrible in your past, that you created him. He is very much real just like you and me. He is a person, but he’s you.” She explain to Mickey

Mickey was silent for a moment and took in the information Charlene gave him. What made it worse was that Mickey felt like he was a weak person, why that fuck did he need someone to protect him and from what? Sure Mickey didn’t like to deal with bullshit and even when he and Colt fought he would fight back. Colt would however say things to him that made Mickey feel like he wasn’t worth much. But even so, Nick didn’t come out when that shit happened to him, so what the fuck is it. Charlene broke his thoughts when she spoke again.

“What are you thinking about now Mickey?” She asked when he didn’t say anything

Mickey breathes in and out and chuckles lowly to himself. He was irritated now. “I’m thinking of why the fuck any of this happened to me. How the fuck can I have messed up so many people's’ lives, even if it wasn’t me and it was Nick. He’s a part of me like you said. But why would I need him! Why can’t I take care of whatever the fuck happened to me and remember it and deal with it! Why did I fucking create him!? And for what!?” Mickey says and is more upset now then he was before.

“That’s what we’re going to find out Mickey, but you have to remember. It’s going to take time and there is going to be a power struggle and you have to be strong. Another thing is when we fully integrate you; you have to know that you and Nick will be as one. Meaning you will remember his thoughts maybe even his feelings. You will probably do things he would do, and that okay. Because you both are the same person, he is just another part of you. One that you made and have to become whole with, you also have to know that you may be more like Nick then you are now. And you will be a new person altogether someone who is whole. Think of it as like an rubix cube, you see how it can be mixed all up and the small square colors are different, and you know how sometimes you can get one side all colors but then the rest of the cube is still mixed up so you have to try again to fix it to make it whole. Well think of therapy and treatment like that okay. Think of you and Nick like this and anyone else for that may or may not emerge. But you manage to make that cubes color on all sides match again and come back together no matter what. In the end it’s not about the colors of the cube, but the cube itself…do you understand what I mean?” She says and tries to explain to Mickey hoping he understood her

“Yeah I think so…but wait…You mean I can also have more than one alter then?” He asked her surprised as hell of the new information.

“Yes. I’m not gonna lie you, it’s very common in patients with dissociative Identity disorder that they may have more than one alters. Some have the opposite sex as an alter; and some don’t. There a case where a person had about 20 different alters all different people within her. It takes time and effort to integrate someone like that. And no I am not saying you are like that. But I want you to know it will take time and effort and support and love, and I mean all of it you can get.”

Mickey nods his head and sat quietly taking in all this information at once. He had to except his disorder he got that. But now he had to accept the fact that Nick was real and is part of him. That was going to be a drag but like Charlene said he needs to make the effort if not then this will continue on. Then what if there was another alter than just Nick….He didn’t want to think of that, he hoped and prayed that he didn’t have another one. When Mickey didn’t speak again Charlene asked him again the same question but in a different way. “How did you feel when Ian left Mickey? You cried when he left, and I know what you said, but I can’t help feel that some of what you it is bullshit, and you’re not telling me everything, which is okay, but.” Dr. Jimenez says to Mickey bluntly and he appreciates her honesty. He really does.

“I felt sad…I felt empty when he left, and I shouldn’t feel like that because I don’t know the guy. Nick knows him not me. He’s in love with Nick not me. And when he said he loved me…Charlene I believed him and I don’t know why. I get this feeling that for some reason I did the wrong thing by telling him to leave…..I’m afraid that Nick is going to come out and do something horrible like lash out or something. I don’t want him to think I hurt Ian on purpose because I didn’t. If anything it hurts that he’s not here and I don’t fucking get that! It hurts that my brothers and sister are not here, and I miss Colt, but I don’t know.” Mickey says and looks down at his hand and was playing with the blanket again, he spoke again before she could say anything to him “I feel like I don’t want to exist anymore, like I don’t want to be alive.” He says sadly and let the tears fall from his face as he put his head down not wanting to look at her.

“You think you feel like that because Nick was in control for a long time and you feel guilty for letting him. You think you feel guilty for hurting someone you know you didn’t mean to, but had to. And you think you’re guilty for not fighting harder to come back to you family.  Do you have an idea why you didn’t come back sooner?” She asked him

“No” he simply said, because even though he was fighting, he didn’t know why it was hard for him to come back. Especially when the last time he came out; he remembers he was in bed with Ian and left and then he saw his old house but then it goes blank again. He didn’t know why. “The last time I was out I called Collin, I woke up next to Ian. He was sleeping, I got dressed called Collin, and then left. I was in the southside of Chicago; I saw my old house that we grew up in before Collin took custody of us. Then it was all a blank and Nick must have come out. The next thing I know I’m in a hospital screaming for the people I knew and everything happened yesterday as it did.” Mickey says to her.

Charlene made a note of their old family house, figuring that must have trigger Mickey into calling Nick. She told Mickey that was it for today and that if he wanted he can go home today. He thanked her and asked if Mandy could pick him up and she did. Mandy grabbed her brother and hugged him tight. She was going to stay with him and Iggy, and Collin where going to take turns staying with Mickey. He didn’t care as long as he had them with him. They reach his loft and he went in, for some reason Mandy said that alarm code was different, but Mickey knew Nick changed it. He knew the pass code and typed it in. It was 091469.

“Why the fuck would Nick changed the passcode to 091469. I swear you sure do have a weird personality.” Mandy says jokingly trying to get her brother to smile.

“0914 is Debbie’s birthday and 69 is well, you can guess. Nick is weird.” He snorted and laughs at it little, but then frowned.

“Well it seems that maybe your other guy in there (Mandy pointed to his head) does have a soft heart somewhere. Debbie’s a cool person, plus the whole 69 I can definitely get, maybe it’s his favorite position? Do you know?” Mandy says curiously

“What the fuck? Bitch I don’t know, and how do you know Debbie’s a cool person?” Mickey asked his sister

“We’ve been talking since everything happen, she reminds me of me in a way. Sticks up for her brother and she even told me she was ready to square off on any of us that day in the hospital. Girls got guts and she’s honest, I respect that, and how did you know it was her birthday?”  Mandy says with a full grin on her face to Mickey

Mickey just shook his head smiled at her. Leave it to Mandy to find something she likes about a person, then again his sister was always a great judge of character. And if Debbie was willing to fight a Milkovich then he would respect her to for that. “I remember something, at least I dream them sometimes, or daydream as well. Charlene says that it can be how Nick and I communicate with one another. It can also be me just remembering as I am him. Being that we’re the same person, he’s just a part of me that I have to except. But I remembered him putting in the code and laughing at the part of 69 because it was meant to be funny.” He says as he seemed to be remembering and he smiles. Mandy sees the small smile on her brother's face and smiles back at him as he smiles at her.

Mickey went to his room and saw his bed was unmade, there was a uniform there and clothes he doesn’t remember buying but they were his size. Apparently, Nick likes a lot of black and likes to wear tight shirts. The uniform was Ian’s; it has his last name on it, and it’s hung up and ironed you could tell. His police uniform and Mickey assumed they were staying here for a while. Which means this bed Ian and him well Nick; slept in this bed together. He then starts to remove the covers from the bed and places them on the floor and got a pair of fresh sheets out and makes his bed. He then picks up the pillow from the left side of the bed and held it to his chest. He didn’t change the pillow cases, they smelled familiar and he hated that, but he needed that right now. He went and lay down on the bed on the left side and curled up under the covers.

Mandy watches her brother the whole time, silently looking at him. She thought he looked hurt, lost, and broken. In a way he was, and when he lies down on the bed, she goes to him and lies right next to him holding him close. She hears him sniffle and then asked: “You want to talk about it?” Mickey shakes his head no and she knew he was crying silently. When he hitches his breath to breath she holds him close and whispers to him that it was going to be okay and that she had him. Mickey then sobs a little louder and buries his face in his pillow that was where he fell asleep.

*************************************

For the next few days, Debbie called out sick from work and school and called out for Ian after everything happened. Saying he was sick and wasn’t well. She faxed over to his job ‘doctors note’ let’s just say that they were doctor’s note, and it was nobody's business if she made them. It was especially nobody's business if she forged the names of the doctor and it definitely was nobodies business that she got away with it. A skill she wished she can use as a career, but then her brother would arrest her. That Idea left her mind quickly. Ian didn’t move for days, he barely ate or drank anything. He would just get up from his bed use the bathroom and lay back down. It was like he was letting his life pass him by. Debbie had had enough of it; she wasn’t about to let watch her brother kill himself. She couldn’t let that happen. 

Debbie saw Ian and he looked worse more than ever, but he got out of bed and was showered. “Hey Ian you hungry, you want something?”

“Yeah…….My life back.” Ian says looking down at his wedding ring, he didn’t speak for a moment and then when he looks up at Debbie he says these words to her that she knows she will never forget “I guess it true what they say huh Debs.  That only if you love them, then you gotta let them go.” He says with tears coming down his face and walks into his room and pulls the cover over him and grabs Nick’s pillow and holds it close to him. It was then that Debbie knew that what everyone failed to realize including herself was that when Ian came home, he died every day waiting for Nick or Mickey whoever he was, to come into his life and love him and bring him back to life. 

And in that moment she did think that yeah what her brother said somewhat made sense in a way. Only if you love them then you got to let them go. So that he or she can come back to you. So that you can love them harder and more than you ever did before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised this is for The_One_And_Only_Joey I hope you like it. I know this is a sad one, but I promise the next one I write that is more happy will be for you. Its just this needed to happen. xoxoxoxo I hope you enjoy it


	19. Communication or something like It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  
> 
> Mention of death past war, Also of suicide ,so please be warned it might cause a triggers. In addition the Bold font it Nick and also the Italic is of Ian remembering a past event. Again I love reading all of your comments and I love that you give me kudos and subscribe. I don't know about this chapter but let me know what you guys think. I do hope you like it. I'm very iffy of my writing. Well let me know what you guys think xoxoxoxo

Ian eventually went back to work after a few days of sulking; he was like an emotionless zombie. He went to work did his tours and would either come home and drink or go to the bar and drink coming home all hours of the night. He would go to work grumpy and he would come home hammered. Debbie was getting sick and tired of what she was seeing; it was as if Ian gave up without fighting. This one night Debbie just had enough of his shit. Ian had come home smelling of sweat, alcohol and sex, and that was it. “Ian what the fuck? Did you cheat on him you fucking smell?” Debbie says

“Who?” Ian slurs out and continues to talk “Oh you mean the guy that doesn’t exist?” Ian says and chuckles sadly and walks pass Debbie.

“Ian don’t” Debbie tries to say, but Ian cuts her off.

“NO! No Deborah. He’s gone! And guess what!? I’m a free man okay!  I can fuck whoever I want, I can be with anyone I want and no one can hurt me okay!? He doesn’t even fucking want me around…..No one does (Ian says sadly)….I lose everyone I love…It’s like I’m fucking unlovable.” Ian says sadly sliding down to the floor and just sits there. Debbie looks at her brother with pity. Something she knew Ian hated and she then snaps out of having pity for him and go and grabs a bucket of water and through it on him. “What the fuck Debbie!”

“Well 1 that was for calling my by first name, you know I hate that shit. 2, that’s for being stupid IAN CLAYTON GALLAGHER, and 3, for practically saying that no one loves you, because I do and so does Nick okay. But Mostly Ian, that was for not fucking fighting for him. For just leaving him, even though Mickey told you to leave and not see him. What makes you think that he meant it?” Debbie says to him.

“Look Debs, Once he’s integrated he’s gone and Mickey told me not to see him at all. I’ll be nothing more than a memory to Mickey or Nick or whoever the fuck he is!” Ian spats out to her not looking at her at the moment.

Debbie went up to Ian and smacks him on his forehead “Don’t be stupid Ian. Nick is part of Mickey right? So that means a part of him loves you no matter what. Fight for him, if not, fight for that love no matter who it is! We know Mickey’s boyfriend is an ass and he isn’t good for him so get him. For all we know Nick can be the real deal and Mickey can be the alter, or it can be that Nick is the alter and Mickey is well the main guy! We read up about this Ian. For all we know big bro… shit you can love both of them crazy or not. You can love Mickey you can fall in love with him, or maybe be in his life as a positive things Ian….But I can’t fucking see you like this anymore!” Debbie says desperately.

“Yeah but if he isn’t Nick Debs” Ian barely got to finish his sentence and looks down at his hands.

She sighed then looks at her brother and tells him the truth. “Well then that means you really didn’t love him….Because Ian in order to love him, you have to love all of him. Even if he’s not Nick or Mickey or whoever he is; you love Nick, which means you love Mickey whether you see it or not. In some ways you do….Ian whether he’s Nick or not he’s apart of Mickey that you love. ..So who’s to say you don’t love all of him huh? Are you truly willing to love all of him, even if he is Mickey or Nick or whoever he is! Because if not, then you really don’t love him, and he’s better off.” Debbie tell Ian, looking straight at him with a serious face.

Debbie makes some sense, but Ian still doubted it. They were both quiet for a few minutes then Ian spoke. “That’s just it Debs…….I know I love him. No matter who he is, Nick does have my heart-but…what if he doesn’t want me at all? That’s what hurts the most is that I know he doesn’t.” Ian says and wipes his face and gets up from the floor and goes up the stairs. He showers himself and went straight to bed with a bottle of Jack in his hands and his thoughts in his mind going wild with thoughts of his partner.

******************************************************************************

Mickey had been going to therapy every day since his first session with his Doctor. Either Mandy or Iggy and sometimes Collin would bring him to his appointment. It was mostly Mandy that would take him after work. He decided he wanted to go back to work, but he only did half days instead. It had been about a week since he got out the hospital. He called Colt a few times but only got his voice mail. Mandy told him not to bother with him and that he had them for support. But he didn’t know why Colt was avoiding him when he was so happy to be with him and even so Mickey told him he would need him for support. So why was he not talking to him? But right now Mickey didn’t let that concern him or at least he tried not to let it, he pushed it away and needed to deal with what he needed to, in order to get better.  His sessions were basic talking for now; it was basically back to the basics before Dr. Charlene Jimenez can start and try to attempt to do hypnosis on him. He still needed to come to term with his mental illness and with Nick. Nick had a life he was living with a man he loved. Mickey told his doctor about the memories he was having as Nick and she said that was complete fine and normal even. There was much needed to be learned about Nick and what part he plays in Mickeys life.

Eventually Mickey came to terms with his disorder and Nick being just as a real as any other person is to him. With feelings, wants, desires, and needs, but most importantly that Nick was in fact a part of him in every way. He was just a different part of Mickey. Mickey was comfortable to saying that now. Now today his day was going like any other day; Mandy is with him in his apartment and they were playing video games in the sala and eating junk food in the afternoon while smoking. Mandy had been on her phone text back and forth with someone but Mickey didn’t know who and didn’t care to know. She looks at bit nervous when she looks at Mickey and gets up and goes to the bathroom all of a sudden. That was when Mickey hears his front door open and shut harshly. He gets up and is shocked to see a short redhead girl coming towards him and boy did she look pissed off.

“You need to figure your shit out fast, before I lose my brother and you lose your dick.” Debbie says harshly to Mickey

“What the fuck? How did you get in here?” Mickey says to Debbie.

“I have a key dumbass, and I need you to tell me where Ian’s at?” Debbie says to him.

“Why the fuck would I know where Ian’s at? I told him not to contact me or see me, he knows that!” Mickey snaps back out at Debbie.

Debbie then raises her eyebrows at Mickey response and rolls her eyes at him. “Fuck…. You wouldn’t know where he’s at then?” Debbie asked again ignoring Mickeys confused look he has on his face.

“No why would I” Mickey says to her.

“Really? You mean tell me you have no memory of any kind of the places where you and Ian use to hang out at?” Debbie asked Mickey in hopes he could tell her something.

“That was Nick and Ian okay. And no I don’t…” Mickey says to her and for a moment he is quiet then speaks again. “Why…is something wrong with him?” Mickey asked curiously for some reason. He wants to know if Ian is okay at least and to be honest he didn’t want Debbie to know that he wanted to know that.

“Well since it’s none of your business. Mind it.” Debbie says rudely to Mickey and continues to talk. “I just came here to get Mandy so she can help me find him, but then I came in and got reminded of what you did to Ian and I got pissed again. But seeing as it’s not your fault it doesn’t matter I can still be pissed at you even if it wasn’t you.” She says with no venom behind her voice

“Well why the fuck did you come here anyways then asking me if you’re not going to tell me anything?” Mickey asked Debbie completely ignoring her little outburst.

“Like I said, waiting for Mandy and because I was hoping” Debbie was about to say but was cut off my Mickey quickly.

“What you were hoping that Nick would appear and come out and I would be gone again is that it?” He says snapping at her. However Debbie was somewhat like Mandy and she snaps right back at him without a blink of an eye.

“NO you dumb fuck! I get the whole D.I.D thing okay, and so does Ian. But he’s taking it harder you stupid piece of shit! So instead of being a prick and assuming shit, you should have let me fucking finish what I was going to say.” Mickey shuts up quickly and raises his eyebrows at her “Like I was saying dick head, I was hoping that a part of you would maybe remember a place where Ian would go when he was upset or some shit. I tried all his places, his spots at the bars, the clubs, and even the fucking hospitals. But his job said he was there this morning so I know he’s going to work, but he’s not working tomorrow and he hasn’t been home in two days…and I’m afraid he’s going do something stupid again.” Debbie says frustrated and annoyed that Ian just left again, but her thoughts are cut off again from Mickey speaking to her now.

“What? What do you mean again?” Mickey asked curiously he wonders if Nick would know what that meant.

“Look. Don’t worry about it okay. It’s personal and you already have enough shit on your plate with you trying to be whole person again. So don’t bother okay.” Debbie says bluntly not meaning to sound mean but right now she is texting Mandy to please hurry up.

Mickey was shocked in silence as the young redhead basically told him to fuck off in other words. But in a good way he thinks, or well hopes. Debbie and he guesses Ian understands but he still wants to know what she meant about Ian doing something stupid again, and it is a bit concerning that Ian wasn’t home for the past two days. Mickey really shouldn’t be worried about Ian, it’s not his concern, but he is for some reason.

“Hey is Mandy ready? I have a few places she can go to where Ian might be. I’m fucking happy she volunteered to help, when Ian wants to be lost, he will be. I need all the help I can get.” Debbie now says sadly.

“What about your family. Don’t you guys have like brothers and sisters or some shit.” Mickey says, he remembers from his dreams seeing pictures of Ian and a group of his siblings.

“Ian doesn’t really like to talk to them much, and Lip is dealing with his own mess right now. I think he went back to his girls house to work things out. But Fiona I don’t talk to her, and she doesn’t need to be concern with Ian since she practically blamed him for her fucked up life, which I still haven’t forgiven her for. She’s the reason why Ian left years ago.” Debbie tells Mickey this information to him so easily like she’s told him before already.

Mickey nods his head in silence not looking at Debbie. “Okay, well um yeah, Ima go get Mandy, she still in the bathroom.” Mickey says and goes to get his sister who he wants to kill right now. “MANDY!” Mickey says as he enters the bathroom not caring if she using it or not “you’re going out with Ian’s sister?”

Mandy was washing her hands as Mickey barges into the bathroom. “What? No I’m not dating her…” She says with a confused look “I mean she’s pretty and all and kinda cute, but too young for me.” And of course leave it up to Mandy to miss interpret the fucking question, as she always does.

“No Bitch. I mean you’re helping her find Ian! Why?” Mickey asked her curiously

“Well first of all I said I would help because I know what it’s like to not know where your brother is at and freak the fuck out. (Mickey face fell a little. He knew she was worried about him when he wasn’t around anymore all those months) And second of all, like I told you she’s good people. She a friend to me, we’ve hanging out and bullshit and stuff; she’s not a bad person. Why is that a problem?” Mandy says and raises her eyebrows up to challenger her brother to say something about it. What the fuck was with them all doing the same thing with the eyebrows?

“Yeah, I-mean No. I mean… Fuck man. I don’t know okay… What happened to Ian?” Mickey asked Mandy now.

Mandy is slightly taken back by her brothers question but tries not to show it. “Mick, why do you care? (She asked curiously) I don’t mean to sound fucked up or a bitch or anything, but it’s just you know. I thought you didn’t want to see him or know about him since he was Nick’s boyfriend and nothing to you.” Mandy says to him.

“Yeah well you’re ditching me to go find him so I have a right know.” He says to her crossing his arms against his chest in defence.

“Hmmmphm sure, okay whatever….Look Ian’s been hitting the bottle hard Debbie said. I went over to her house last week and she was cleaning him up. Apparently, the poor guy drunk himself so stupid he passed out in the kitchen and let their washing machine overflow. He was so wasted he didn’t even feel that the water was all over the floor and he was soaked in it. I helped Debbie clean him up, and man you sure know how to pick them…(she was blushing. Really like fucking blushing while she was talking about Ian) I ah, shit man he’s packing an in all the right places let me tell you. (Mandy chuckles and continues to talk)  His abs are Oh My God, I completely blushed the whole time removing his clothes and helping Debbie put on his pjs.” Mandy says to Mickey.

“I don’t want hear that Mandy fucking Christ man.” Mickey says and now he was blushing.

“Oh well, seeing as you were the one taking up the ass I figured you want to know he’s packing huge if you didn’t remember. AND I MEAN OH MY GOD HUGE.” She says so enthusiastically.

“………..” Mickey was now blushing redder than ever before. He is literally looking at his sister like he could kill her, because now he was slightly curious and wanted to remember. FUCK he thought to himself.

With that Mandy walks pass Mickey as she speaks. “Well I’ll see you later baby bro okay, I’ll be back for dinner.” Mandy says and walks out to Debbie and they both leave quickly. Mickey is just left standing there alone and in his own thoughts. He goes into one of his rooms and looks around. He sees the picture of Ian that Nick painted because he sure as hell doesn’t know how to paint or draw, but for some reason he always wanted to learn. I guess that was a talent he always had because of Nick. He then walks in the room and looks at his reflections and guess who he see now.

“ **_Mick let me out please!_ ** ” Nick says pleading. It’s the first time Mickey has ever heard him sound like this. Like he was desperate and begging.

“No.” Mickey says firmly. “So you can just take over my life again, fuck you.” He says and goes to turn around but is faced with looking at Nick who is in front of him without a mirror. Well that’s the first.

“ **_Mickey Ian needs me please. I know he’s fucking done something stupid I need to find him to make sure he’s okay._ ** ” Nick says desperately again to Mickey.

“Look that’s not our problem okay.” Mickey says to Nick.

“ **_You know, you so call say I’m the cold hearted one and that I’m the bad one, but looking at you I think people have us wrong_ ** .” Nick says furiously at Mickey.

“Excuse me? You’re the asshole who took my life away from me for a year. Who made a guy fall in love with us and for what so he can go and fucking make everyone feel like he’s gonna kill himself or some shit. Or fucking what disappear from the universe. Please! Come the fuck on.” Mickey yells at Nick and Nick is silent and just for moment.

“ **_You don’t know Ian Mickey. I know Ian, and I know what he’s capable of okay. He not Colt who is some stuck up worthless piece of shit who tries to demand you and control things of you. For Christ sack he doesn’t even like your family_ ** .” Nick yells back at Mickey.

“Fuck you; you don’t even like our family either?” Mickey snaps at Nick.

“ **_I can tolerate Mandy and Iggy. It’s Collin I can’t stand. And by the way if you allowed Ian to be near you and help us, he would be here in a heartbeat. Unlike that asshole Colt who hasn’t even returned your phone calls or bothers to check up on you_ ** .” Nick says snapping back at Mickey.

For a moment Mickey isn’t able to speak but he does. “…..He’s just busy” Mickey says trying to convince Nick but Nick isn’t falling for it.

Nick snorts at Mickeys weak response about Colt. “ **_Keep telling yourself that Mick. I know and I know a part of you knows that he probably thinks we’re weirdos or that we’re fucking crazy, which by the way we are to say the least…..But can you please help Debbie and Mandy find Ian_ ** .” Nick says again to Mickey

“Why would I do that? SO you can come out and take over. I can’t and won’t fucking do that. I’ve made too much progress” Mickey tells Nick

“ **_What progress? That you accept us as one? Oooo wooow that’s great. Trust me when I tell you. You are definitely not ready for the truth yet. And I need to find Ian now_ ** .” Nick says to Mickey, and Mickeys head is starting to hurt again. He rubs his headache away and looks at Nick again and speaks.

“Why won’t you just fucking tell me already?!” Mickey shouts at Nick

“ **_No_ ** .” Nick simply says to Mickey. Mickey sees that Nick looks like he’s thinking of what to say next to Mickey “ **_It’s crazy you know…. I mean because Colt knows and guess who told him Mickey boy…..No? You can’t guess, well_ ** (he snorted and chuckles slightly)  **_it was Collin. Yeah he knows, he’s the reason we left that house all those years ago. He knows what happened to us_ ** .” Nick tells Mickey walking up to him and smiling.  **_“He knows our little secret.”_ ** Nick says whispering in Mickeys ear and walks a few steps away from him.

Mickey turns slightly to look at Nick and is angry now. “You’re lying” Mickey grits under his teeth at Nick.

**_“Am I Mickey, Am I really Mikhailo_ ** ” Nick says to Mickey and walks up to him again but with sad eyes. Mickey can tell there sad. “ **_Why would I lie about that?_ ** ” Nick says to Mickey not taking his eyes off of him.

“Because you always do” Mickey says quickly.

“ **_See that’s where you’re wrong. I haven’t lied to you. Name one time I have”_ ** Nick asked Mickey this question and Mickey doesn’t say anything, so Nick continues to talk.  **_“See you can’t! I can lie, I think I have maybe once or maybe a few times, But not to you. See Mick I can’t lie to you, I can only make you see the real deal here. Other people I can lie to, but you? Nope…Can’t lie.”_ ** And with that Nick disappears and Mickey is left standing alone in his thoughts. Nick has never lied to him, so why would he now about that. Mickey doesn’t bother to dwell on it because now for some reason he just wants to walk around. Did Collin really know all along what happened to him all those years ago? And did he tell Colt? Is that why he’s not here with him? Is it that bad? Why wouldn’t they tell him if they knew already? He grabs his jacket and keys and leaves out the door.

Mickey had no idea where he was going, his feet were doing the moving and he ended up in front of a condo building he was not too familiar with. He goes up to the building and when he looks inside the building he sees a familiar redhead. Mandy wasn’t lying when she said Ian was hitting the bottle hard. Mickey sees Ian taking a swig of what it seemed to be a bottle of jack Daniels. Favorite of Mickey’s by the way, but he can see how Ian looks not like the man he saw when he was at the hospital. Mickey knew he should call Mandy and tell her to tell Debbie that he spotted Ian. But then that would start with Mandy asking question about how he saw Ian and where and why he was at this place. No Mickey decided to go in after the redhead who went in the elevator. Mickey saw the elevator stopped on the 20 th floor and Ian was the only one in the elevator. Well fuck wasn’t that a coincidence right. So Mickey goes into the elevator and goes upstairs and then it’s like he’s on autopilot. Mickey was now in front of door. 20 A.  

Mickey goes to knock on the door but he sees it’s open already, and is surprised that it’s left unlocked. He enters the apartment and it seems like someone hasn’t lived her in a while. There are while blankets covering a lot of the furniture; the walls seems to have dust on them not much but you can tell. As well as the counters he can tell have dust on them. It’s dark but not too dark. There is a light in one of the rooms Mickey sees and Mickey walks towards it, moving very slowly. Mickeys making sure that Ian doesn’t notice him, or that he doesn’t disturb Ian as he sees him sitting down on the floor his back towards the door. Mickey sees Ian drinking and looking down at two pictures in his hand. Mickey can’t see what who they are from where he is at. He hears Ian talking to himself now; and so Mickey listens in silently.

“You know I miss you every day right. (Ian chuckles then continues to talk) You know why I had Nick, he didn’t mind or care that I missed you. In fact he would make me talk about you to him….He ah…He would say that it was always good to remember the ones you love, even if there not here anymore. See he’s not a bad guy, he just doesn’t show that side of him to a lot of people……” Ian says to the picture he’s looking at and then takes another drink from the bottle and his tears are coming down more on his face and he wipes them with his arms. “I never got it you know? Why you? Why couldn’t it have been me to take the bullet? Then I think back and how so stupid you were for doing that shit….It was meant for me to take, and you took it.” Ian says crying and looks away to the side just staring at the wall. But he continues to talk.

“I only ever brought Nick up here. He said it was nice place you left me. At first he thought I bought it for us and he started trying to fuck me, go figure huh. (Ian huffs out with a smile chuckle) But then I got mad at him because this was our home, or at least it was going to be. When I told Nick where we were and he apologized, which is something he does not do, let me tell you. (Ian chuckles again) He took me in his arms and held me and told me he loved me and that he was sorry I was still hurting and still missed you…So whenever that stupid asshole got a chance he would ask about you. He would go ahead and ask what you were like. If you were cute (Ian chuckles again to himself and wipes the tears from his face) I showed him a picture of you and he said he would leave himself for you. (Ian laughs this time thinking about the memory).

_ “Hey Ian do you have a picture of Adam?” Nick asked and Ian nodded his head yes and looked around the apartment that was his and Adams. Once he found a picture of him and Adam in their military uniforms. _

_ “Here that’s him” Ian said to Nick who looks at the picture and his eyes widen and he smiles. _

_ “Shit Ian I would leave me for him. He was fucking beautiful baby. You sure know how picked them I see” Nick said and smiled at Ian _

_ “You’re an asshole you know that. This was before he died” Ian said as he looked at the picture again and smiled “We were planning on leaving that weekend to get hitched  because we were together for so long we said fuck it. Why need a big wedding. But we got called in for a mission at the last minute. So both of us left but only one of us made it home alive.” Ian said sadly and he didn’t know that he had a few tears coming down his face. Nick then wiped his tears away and cupped Ian’s face and looked at the man he loves and spoke to him softly. _

_ “Ian he loved you, so him being with you on your last mission must have made him happy to just be with you. I know I feel like that when I’m with you. I know you still miss him, but Ian you have to learn to live with the fact that he lost his life so you can live. But not only for you baby, but for the both of you. It was his instinct to protect the one he loves. I know what that is likes to take the hit for someone no matter what. So don’t regret coming home Ian; I know you haven’t told me how he died, but you still talk in your sleep so…I know it hurts you still, but your able to love again.” Nick says to him and kisses in on the lips and lets his face go. _

_ Ian doesn’t say anything for a moment and then he wonders what if Adam was still alive? Would he be with Nick or what would happen to Nick? For some reason Ian say “Nick you know if me and Adam would have come home together, me and you would not be a couple.” Ian says to Nick. He wants to know Nicks responds to this. He wants to know if the man he loves right now would be selfish or selfless. His answer depends on whether this relationship will work out. Ian doesn’t know why that is, but for some reason he just does. The ball is in Nick’s court now. _

_ “I know” Nick smiles at Ian but it’s a loving smile. “But as long as you would have been happy with him, then so would I. I love you and yeah I know.” Nick says to Ian and kisses him. Ian smiles at Nick after he breaks the kiss with Nick, because how did he get so lucky after losing Adam like that. How did this man walk into his life and bring him back to life. “okay enough of the mushy sappy shit. What are we looking for Ian?” Nick says _

Ian comes back from the memory he had with Nick and wishes he can go back to that day.  He’s almost out of Jack and curses himself for that. “You know, I never understood why people die. It’s like life is fucked up. How can you give someone life right, and then one day it can get taken away and they haven’t even lived it yet. I mean what the fuck is up with the universe. Where do we go when we die? I-I’m sure you know, but I don’t and that baby…..that scares the fuck out of me…I mean to leave the one you love behind and never see them again…To just be a memory that people forget and why? Why can’t we live forever and be happy that way. Why can’t life for once Adam; for fucking once not take the person I love away from me huh? It’s like I am dead thought right……I wonder if when you die you come back as someone else and you know what is so fucked up about that? Is that if you do come back as someone else, you don’t remember your old life. And that’s just sad.” Ian says sadly and continues to wipe the tears off his face.

“I would want to remember the people I love. You Debbie, my siblings, Mickey or Nick or whoever he is. I would want to remember, but then again I don’t. Because I don’t have either of you; Fiona hates me but tries so hard to fucking make up for what she said and did, Lip always thinks I’m fucking up my life and thinks I should be more like him. Carl…well Carl is in his own world and so is Liam. Debbie….Well Debbie is the best. But I don’t deserve her either. I don’t deserve anyone Adam. I know that now, I need to move on.” Ian looks at his left hand and at his wedding band, Mickey he thinks didn’t know he as married to Nick, but it doesn’t matter really. Ian stands up and throws the two pictures behind him near the door.

Mickey looks at them from where he is at. It’s a picture of Ian and some other guys, and him and Ian smiling. Mickey looks back up and he sees Ian standing up drinking the last of the drink with a gun behind his back.

Ian’s instincts kicked in as he was standing up and saw something in his peripheral vision. Ian suddenly takes out his gun from behind his back and points it directly at the door. He’s shocked to see who’s there with him. “Mickey? Or is it Nick?” Ian says slurring his words but still pointing the gun.

“It’s Mickey Ian. I saw you coming up stairs and I don’t know I followed you” Mickey says quickly.

Ian lowers his gun and puts it back behind his belt. “That’s fucking creepy man, stalkerish even. Now why are you really here Mickey?” Ian asked Mickey.

“I don’t know okay man. I just saw you and you look like shit. So I decided to see if you were okay, plus your sister been looking for you; says you haven’t been home in a while.” Mickey says to Ian who seems to be more alert that Mickey is there with him.

“Well this is my home as well, I just don’t like staying here.” Ian says flatly.

“Why? Place seems big and nice to me.” Mickey chuckles a little but stops when he see Ian glaring at him “Or not” Mickey say instantly.

“None of your fucking business okay! I’m fine, so just tell my sister I’m fine and to leave me alone. Matter of fact just don’t tell her shit.” Ian says bitterly and looks away because what he wants to do right now is go to the man in front of him kiss him and tell him he’s wrong for wanting Ian to leave him. Wrong for not letting Ian love Nick, wrong for keeping Nick away from him. But Ian feels that it’s fucking wrong.

“Look okay I know you’re mad at me when you shouldn’t be really, but you look like you can use someone to talk to. You really do look like shit.” Mickey says to Ian who just chuckles to himself.

“I’m just tired” Ian simply says. Mickey is looking at him with an ‘I don’t believe you face.’ Ian can’t help but see Nick when he does that. Ian sighs and starts to talk again. “I’m just trying to forget the best way I know how to….So how have you been?” Ian says trying to get the subject off of him. He wants to know how Nick and Mickey are doing, but in a way doesn’t want to know.

“I’m okay. Exhausted actually, I’ve been going to therapy every day. Mandy or one of my brothers will take me. Mandy’s been mostly staying with me, the doctor said I can’t be alone for too long.” Mickey says and he finally decides to walk into the room and picks the pictures up from the floor and touches them. He looks at Ian and gives him the pictures. He wants to ask “Who is this?” but felt like that would be intruding too much.

Ian takes the pictures and puts them in his back pocket and sits on the bed now. “So therapy must be going well. How’s your shit head of a boyfriend. Must be happy your back.” Ian says somewhat bitterly and chuckles dryly at that to himself.

Mickey doesn’t say anything he just nods his head before he speaks. “I wouldn’t know.” And with that Ian looks up quickly at him and waits for the other man to speak “He hasn’t pick up any of my phone calls or responded to my text messages. Mandy says he’s a dick. I’m slowly starting to not care anymore. I can’t worry about him I have to worry about me.” Mickey says and just shrugs.

Ian nods his head as well. “I don’t like him, he is a dick, and if I wasn’t a cop that had ex-military combat background I would have beat the shit out of him at the hospital.” Ian tells Mickey seriously, but then Ian hears. “Are actually laughing about me kicking your boyfriends’ ass and wanting me to beat him?” Ian asked Mickey who is laughing.

Mickey laughs at that because Iggy and Mandy say the same thing, except they tell him if he wasn’t with Mickey they would bury Colts ass. “Yeah! Mandy and Iggy say the same thing.” He looks at Ian who just smiles at him a little and Mickey things he is cute.

“So why are you here? I mean I know you said you saw me but, you said you didn’t want me around you and that I had to leave you alone. So what change your mind or is this some pity party shit. Because if it is, then you can go fuck yourself.” Ian says with not heat behind his voice.

“Honestly it’s just like I said Ian; your sister is worried about you. Also I’m sorry for hurting you. I know it’s not easy to pick your life back up again and start over and forget about someone. That was wrong of me, but you have to understand that-“

“I know…I know okay. I miss Nick every day and I wouldn’t be lying if I said I wish you were him right now. But I’m okay I don’t need anyone to look out for me. But thanks, I just rather be alone right now. I won’t do anything stupid….I promise you.” Ian says to Mickey.

Mickey gives Ian a puzzling face expression as he speaks to Ian. “Why does everyone keep saying that? Debbie said that to me as well before she nearly chewed my head off.” Mickey says to Ian

Ian just shrugs and looks away, but Mickey is staring at him waiting for him to answer. “It’s just…it’s because when I got back home from deployment I was at a bad place. Some things happened and shit got bad. She probably thinks I'm going to do it again.” Ian says not looking at Mickey.

“Like what?” Mickey asked curiously.

Ian is silent for a few moment before he speaks. He sighs before he tell Mickey- “I tried to kill myself.” Ian says it with no meaning behind his words.  “I didn’t want to exactly live after something that happened and I got depressed. Every night I woke up screaming and crying… and I tried hard to not want to remember. Whenever there was something on the new about the war or fighting overseas, I would breaking down and have panic attacks. I would remember things that happened and I didn’t want to remember anymore so I took a shit load of sleeping pills and a bottle of vodka…and I just…..I wanted to sleep forever and be with him again.” Ian says and there tears coming down his face.

Mickey sees the tears coming down Ians face and has the sudden urge to wipe away his tears and huge Ian. But he doesn’t, so he asked him- “Who did you want to be with that made you want to kill yourself Ian?” Mickey asked in a low whisper voice.

“Adam….He was my finance….He died when we deployed out on a mission.” Ian says and looks up from his hands and just stares at the wall as if he’s remembering as he spoke. “We were under heavy fire and um…I had to tend to one of the guys who got shot…I wasn’t the medic but I knew what to do. Plus the other medic asked for the assistance so it wasn’t a problem I did it plenty times before… Adam he was supposed to be getting more ammo and-and I remember the enemy coming towards us, the bullets flying by us like a gust of wind. I tried to fire back at someone who was shooting at us, and my back was turned, but then I got shot in the arm and the next thing I knew it Adam was in front of me. He was covering me and he was dragging me and the other marines to cover…… I-he was shooting a-and then he turned around to see if I was okay.” Ian stops and takes a breath because now he’s shaking and chest hurts. There tears falling from his face but he doesn’t care to wipe them. “Then he got hit in the back…. All I could see was his face; I couldn’t hear anything and he looked at me and I grabbed him and called for the medic. He came and tried to stop the bleeding but the bullet was still in Adam, it didn’t go through. But even so it hit an artery and he was bleeding out through his mouth and he……he just smiled at me and told me he loved me and that it was okay.” Ian says while tears coming down his face and breathing harder than before. Mickey wants him to stop but he stood quietly and lets Ian finish.

Ian chokes out a sob and continues talking. “He died in my arms. I held on to him and I watch him leave his body. His eyes they-they were…” (Ian is now lost for words) he didn’t finish he just sat there crying harder looking at nothing. Mickey gets up and goes towards Ian and hugs him. He didn’t know why, but no one should have to experience someone that they love die in front of their face like that. They stood like this for a while and Mickey just held Ian closer to him as time went on by. It was Ian who broke the silence and moves out of Mickey’s embrace. “I’m ah sorry. I didn’t mean to-“

“It’s okay….It’s always best to let shit out man.” Mickey says to Ian in a soft tone. “Have you ever told anyone about that?” Mickey asked Ian.

“No…no one knows about what happened… I never told anyone, not even Nick.” Ian tells Mickey.

“So why did you tell me?” Mickey asked Ian.

Ian shakes his head and says “I don’t know honestly. You asked and I guess Debbie and Adams parents were always afraid to ask me about it… Not even Nick asked me about how Adam died. He just asked about who he was and what he was like.” Ian said while he’s trying to catch his breath from all the crying.

“I guess Nick’s not a complete dick then huh.” Mickey says trying to lighten up the mood.

“He is.” Ian laughs “but he has his ways” Ian only says and then he was silent until he spoke again. “And ah as soon as I get to it, I will send you the papers.”

“Papers…what papers?” Mickey asked curiously.

“I forgot that you wouldn’t have remembered….we-ah…we got married me and you. Nick put your name on the marriage certificate and not his because well he had your ID. I didn’t even notice it till the other day when I was looking for something. So technically we’re married. Plus I’m shocked you didn’t notice your left hand being that you’re still wearing your wedding band.” Ian said looking at Mickey who has this shocked facial expression on his face now.

Mickey looks down at his left hand and oh shit he really didn’t notice it. How could he have not notice that. It’s been weeks since he’s seen Ian and everything happened; then again he’s been busy with wanting to get better. But he wasn’t mad; in fact he was shocked and found it to be funny. He didn’t do marriage and somehow Nick managed do it for him. What the fuck! His alter sure did have a way with doing weird things. “We’re married? HOLLY FUCK! ...You know it’s fucked up when it feels like a Vegas wedding.” Mickey says surprisingly and all of a sudden he smiles and laughs. He thought he would have been mad at saying it out loud but he finds it funny in some way.

“What?” Ian chuckles looking at him

“You know when two people in Vegas get married and are drunk and can’t remember. Like in the show Friends Ross and Rachel. I kind of feel like them right now, with you telling me that we’re married. Plus I’m not so mad which is weird even.” Mickey says lightly still laughing about the whole situation.

Ian laughs and looks at Mickey “Thank you.” Ian says to him.

“What for?” Mickey says now to Ian.

“For being curious I guess. For coming up here, for listening to me and I don’t know. Just being here; and I know you don’t want hear this but…seeing you...I see him.” Ian says looking back down at his hands.

Mickey makes a small smile and looks down at his hand and speaks. “No problem…but ah call your sister or go home to her. She’s worried about you…and that way I can get my sister back since she took her with her.” Mickey says to Ian with a smirk on his face.

“Seems like those two became friends quickly” Ian says and smiles.

“Yeah…Yeah they did. I didn’t even know they were hanging out with each other till today.” Mickey says to Ian

“Well at least one good thing came out of all this bullshit.” Ian says bitterly sad and looks at the window. Mickey didn’t miss the way Ian said his last statement and felt bad. “So I ah, I’ll call her, thanks man” Ian says and gets up and goes walks out the room. Mickey follows him and goes towards the door and turns to look at Ian who is now rubbing his face and looking at another picture. Ian looks up and waves bye and turns around and goes back to the room again.

Mickey hears Ian on the phone and assumes he’s talking to Debbie. He leaves the apartment and goes home.  Mickey thinks about Ian and how fucked up his life must have been, and to have Nick and now that Nick was gone and Mickey was here. He sort of felt bad, but Mickey had his life. It was his life and not Nicks. It was right...wasn’t it?

 

_____________________***************_______________________

 

On the way back to his apartment Mickey was just thinking about Ian and everything that happened. It was weird though, talking to Ian felt natural, felt right and nice, which was new for Mickey. He enjoyed talking to him; maybe he wasn’t such a bad guy after all you know. He seemed like a great guy.  Just as Mickey opens his door to his apartment he sees a familiar face waiting for him. 

 

Colt was there looking at Mickey, it seems like he was waiting for him for a while. He’s just looking at Mickey and Mickey can tell by the glare that he’s pissed at this moment but he doesn’t care. He has done nothing wrong for Colt to be mad at him. If anything he should be mad at Colt for not being here for him. It’s been nearly two weeks and no phone calls, no text messages, not even a fucking email or voicemail at least. So Mickey walks in, takes his jacket off, placed his keys on the desk and makes his way to the sala. Colt is just looking at him and Mickey couldn’t help but wonder what the fuck as crawled up his ass, because he sure hasn’t.

“Hey” Colt says dryly to Mickey.

“Hey” Mickey says smiling then looks away after words. He still felt horrible for cheating on Colt with another man.  But Colt hadn’t seen Mickey in almost 2 week, and now for them to talk about it. Mickey is slightly upset at that. He needed Colts support and Colt knew that, he even said he would be there. So why the fuck did he just vanish?

“So how are you feeling?” Colt said flatly like he doesn’t care.

Mickey was taken back; by his tone of voice Colt give him. As if nothing was wrong so he answered his boyfriend honestly “Tired honestly. Confused, but I’m going therapy every day and Mandy stays here with me. So things are okay I guess, I’m making progress I think.” Mickey is silence for a moment and then “I’m Sorry” He says in a whisper not looking at Colt.

“For what?” Colt says but before Mickey could answer he continues on “For leaving me, for going to fuck off with another guy? Or for being another person? Shit you know what it’s okay. You’re fine right? You’re going to get better, because you’re going to therapy and what not. So there really is nothing for you to be sorry about now is there huh?” Colt says sarcastically and so cold to Mickey and Mickey was looking at him like he was fucking crazy.

“Excuse fucking me! Look okay I don’t know what the fuck is up with you! But I’m still sorry Colt. What Nick did and all his fucking action which some I still don’t know about, I’m sorry for. But I’m so fucking sorry that my mental illness is a fucking burden on you okay! You know what Mandy told me that you and him he got into it. I’m sorry for that, but don’t fucking come here and blame for being sick you piece of shit! If that’s the case just leave!” Mickey snaps out back at Colt; Colt was being an ass and Mickey is trying to be calm himself down and not blow up on him more, but Colt obviously didn’t care.

“Look it is what it is right?  Shit happens; it wasn’t you it was someone else right?” Colt snaps at him and continues to talk “So what, you go to therapy and you remember everything you did? You remember what happened to you all those years ago and all the shit you did, and you still think you can just apologize. For fucking Christ sack Mickey. You’re a piece of work, and I’ll be gladly to leave.” Colt didn’t get it that Mickey had no control over his mental state of mind. You would think since the bastard works in a hospital he would know better.

Colt stands up from leaning on the sofa and was about to leave when Mickey steps in front of him now.

Mickey stood there right in front of Colt and is looking at him. He then steps back and looks at him with narrow eyes tilting his head slightly to the left side. “What are you talking about?  You said what happened to me all those years ago. What did you mean by that?... As-a-Matter-of-fact what the fuck do you know?” Mickey says in one breath. Was Nick telling him the truth all along? Did Colt know what happened to Mickey and not tell me. Why the fuck not, and why would Collin tell Colt but not him?

“What? You’ve got to be kidding me, Mickey?....You go off for months at end, fucking get  _ married _ to a fucking guy and you’re the one asking me question like some fucking detective. Asking me what the fuck I’m talking about? Like you don’t know? You should know right!” Colt says to Mickey yelling now at him. “You’re in fucking therapy everyday Mickey!” Mickey can smell the alcohol on Colts breath and it’s making his stomach turn in a twist. The older man wasn’t making any sense to him.

“How the fuck do you know about the marriage? (Mickey asked looking puzzled for a second but then pushes the thought of Colt knowing about the marriage aside) .... no look I don’t care okay. I was trying to fucking apologies to you for what’s happen and you’re biting my head off like I did something wrong here. It wasn’t me okay, it was Nick.  He married Ian, not me. I don’t want to be married to anyone okay, NOT YOU, AND NOT HIM!” Mickey yells at Colt and he’s just as fucking pissed off now more than he was and continues yelling at Colt. “Now explain to me and tell me what do you know! Tell me what the fuck do you know about me that I don’t fucking know Colt?” Mickey says between his teeth, but when Colt says nothing Mickey becomes upset fast “TELL ME DAMMIT! What the fuck do you know!?” Mickey yells at him again in rage and pushes Colt violently. When he does that his head starts to hurt again, but he tries to ignore it; Colt is yelling at Mickey now. But Mickey shrinks at him yelling and covers his ears.

Colt was saying something but then stops when Mandy walks in the room and saw Mickey holding his head like he was in pain again and covering his ears at the same time. Mandy runs up to Mickey, to see if he is okay and turns to glare at Colt now. “What the fuck did you do him!” Mandy yells at Colt.

“Nothing!” Colt spats back out “I didn’t do shit to him…..he just started freaking the fuck out yelling and shit and now this.” Colt says keeping away from Mandy and Mickey. Colt notices a redheaded girl walking close. “What are you doing here?” he asked her

“None of your fucking business,” Debbie says and rolls her eyes at Colt. And turns her attention to Mickey and Mandy “is he okay Mandy?” Debbie asked in concern.

“I don’t know? Mickey….Mickey are you okay. Mickey fuck, answer me.” Mandy says frantically to him.

He looks up at her smiles and he giggles. “Who’s Mickey?” he says in a childlike manner.


	20. The Alters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning. There is mention of Child abuse. In addition there is some minor violence and also don't be alarmed but you will know why some words are spelled a certain way. As if a child was speaking. I do love all of your comments and kudos thank you so much. It does inspire me to try my best with this story. Please let me know what you think I don't have a beta so all mistake are on me, so I's sorry.

Who’s Mickey?” He says to Mandy, his voice has changed and he sounds more like child. He’s rocking back and forth and twisting his fingers in his shirt. He’s smiling at her like nothing is wrong.

Mandy’s eyes widen, and look back at Debbie who looks at her the same and back at Mickey. “You’re Mickey” Mandy says to him and he looks at her confused like she is wrong.

“That’s not my name silly, my names Mikhailo.  You have pretty eyes like my sista, what’s your name?” Mickey says rocking back and forth on his heels and smiles at her.

Mandy is looking at her brother with sadden eyes now. She knows something has happened to him and she’s cursing herself for it now. “Well my name is Mandy” And Mickey cuts her off before she can finish

“Really!? That’s sooo cool Dat’s my older sista name too!” He says happily

“Oh yeah, Well I bet she’s awesome like me….”  Mandy says and looks at Debbie with a worried expression and then looks at Colt. She turns back around to see that Mickey is looking at Debbie and Colt and it looks like he’s studying them. He seems to be curiously about them. Mandy decides to tell Mikhailo who they are.  “Hey Mikhailo, this is my friend Debbie (she points to Debbie) and this asshole here (pointing to Colt) is Colt….Mickey-I mean Mikhailo….(she sighs) Hey… can I call you Mickey?... And Can I ask you how old you are?” Mandy asked her brother. She notices that Mickey is not acting like an adult; she can tell by the way he is talking and saying some words to her.

Mickey is laughing at Mandy “OOOOOuuuuu you said a bad wurd. (he giggles again) I am 4 years old,  aaannnnnnd OKAY! You can call me Mickey! I LIKE IT!” he says as he raises his hand up at her, “Will you be my furend?” he asks her and when she nods her head, he walks up to her and whispers something into her ear. “I’m scared of dat man, he was yelling at me and saying mean things….can you stay with me puerze?” He says to her again his tone is like a childlike his whole poster has changed and he looks so innocent at her like he’s going to cry.

“Of course I can. Me and you, we’re going to be best friends okay. But first can you go with Debbie in that room over there. You go play some video games or you can paint if you want okay. While I call my doctor friend to come in and check on you and make sure that; that man didn’t hurt you okay.” Mandy tells Mickey and he nods his head franticly and pulls his hand out for Debbie who instantly takes it and goes with the young 4 year old Mickey into one of the rooms. Mandy then turns quickly and looks at Colt and shoves him so hard he falls to the floor. “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU” she hisses low at him “You were yelling at him for what?”

“None of your business” Colt snaps out at her, and that was the wrong thing to say.

“None of my- none my business…really?” and Mandy is beyond pissed now. She only ever spoke her native tongue when she was that mad. “shukaty vam shmatok layna, ty pryyshov pokazaty z nizvidky I ramtom moyi brat rozkoly I v inshiy zminyty. U vas ye, shchob buty chertovsky zhartuyesh.”  ( **Look you piece of shit you come show up out of nowhere and all of a sudden my brother splits and into another alter now** .) She hisses out at him in a low threaten voice as she spoke to Colt not wanting to scare her 4 year old brother in the other room.

“What the fuck did you say to him? And if you tell me none of my business again I will personally make sure that not only will I remove your teeth from your fucking mouth, but I will castrate your ass. And when I’m done with you; you’ll be begging me to kill you, and Colt trust you and me I have the money to make it happen. You’ve been on my shit list for long time buddy so you better choose your words carefully NOW!” she finishes off.

Of course Colt told her after that, he was a pussy. “We were talking and I was pissed at him okay; pissed at Nick and for Mickey allowing him to do half the shit he did. I didn’t want hear a fucking apology I wanted to know why.” Colt says as he stood up from the floor. It was right then that Mandy gave him a right hook to the face.

“Get out! Get the FUCK OUT!  And  _ don’t _ come back!” Mandy says and pushes him out the door “this mother fucker must be out of his mind.” Mandy says to herself once she closed the door on Colt. She then pulls out her phone to call Mickeys Doctor and her brothers next.

**********

Charlene was at Mickeys apartment within 20 minutes. She told Mandy to act normal with Mickey’s new alter and to not scare him, since he wasn’t afraid of her. When Charlene gets there, Collin, and Iggy are already there and Mandy is in the room with Debbie and Mickey. She goes and knocks on the door and made her presence known. Mickey looks up at her and it seems like he was painting on the floor. He has paint all over his hands and he is smiling. He ignores her as she walks into the room still painting and showing Debbie what he was doing.  Debbie’s phone rang and saw it was Ian, she tells Mandy she has to take the call and that it was from Ian and walks out of the room. Debbie also tells Mickey that she will be right back and he nods his head at her. Mandy steps out the room with Charlene and tells Mickey she would be back. Mandy tells Iggy and Collin to stay with him and they do. Mandy tells Charlene what happened when she came in and how Mickey was acting. Charlene takes in all this information and makes her way back into the room and looks at Mickey. She asked him if she can sit with him, Mickey looks up at her and nods his head yes and continues doing what he was doing. He looks so much like a child sitting there painting with his hands and giggle the whole time and singing to himself.

“Hi Mickey, my name is Charlene. How are you feeling?” Dr. Jimenez says to him handing him a lollipop.

He takes the lollipop with his painted hands and puts it in his mouth and talks to her “I’m okay, I’m painteeng for my new phwiend she has red hair, and hur name is Debbie. She nice, she told me she wants to be a teachor and teach kids in kindergarten, so when I grow up I can go to hur. She has funny dots on hur face. I like them, but she’s nice to me. I like it when people are nice….are you nice?” He asked her tilting his head to the side smiling at her with the lollipop in his mouth.

“Yes Mickey I am nice, I’m a doctor and I’m here to make sure you’re okay. Can you tell me if anything is hurting you right now?” Dr. Jimenez asked

“My head hurts a little, but my tummy hurts a lot a lot, I’m hungry.” He says then looks at Mandy “Can I have sump’en to eat puerze” he says to her.

“Sure kiddo, what do you want? You can have anything” Mandy says to him; Charlene told her to act normal and answer Mickey in a manner his alter would not freak out.

Mickey eyes widen and he smiles from ear to ear when he responds “Ice cream! I want Ice Cream” he shouts getting up jumping up and down. “I want chocolate sprinkles and lot, lot of it. And Can I get like this many” he says as he opens his arms wide to show her. Mandy smiles at him and nods her head at him and he is so excited that he runs up to her and hugs her with the paint still in his hand; that is now all over her back. But she didn’t care. “Thank you” Young Mickey says and went back to his painting. Just then Debbie walks in

“I have to go. Ian’s home, he said he needed to get away for a bit and apologized to me and to you for going out of our minds looking for him. But he said he isn’t feeling well. He was coughing up a lung while I was talking to him and it sounded like he was throwing up to.” Debbie says to Mandy while making a disgusting face expression when she mentions throw up.

Mickey overheard what Debbie said and looks scared “Oh My God NO!  He gonna die? You cough up a lung you die Debbie!” Young Mickey says and he had such a worried look on his face.

“No no –no Mickey, it was a figure of speech sweaty. I am so, so sorry…But I have to go home to my brother. He needs me right now okay. You can finish the painting for me and I will come back and pick it up later, yeah.” Debbie says to Mickey. He simply nods his head and gives her a hug as well. Debbie just laughs and hugs him back because now she had to blue hand prints on her back. “I’ll see you another time okay little man.”

“Oooookay Bye Debbie” Young Mickey says and waves his hands at her. Just then Collin and Iggy were looking at Mickey the whole time. He had paint all over his face now as he scratched it. Charlene spoke to them in private letting them know that this is a child alter of Mickeys, who are also known as ‘little one’. These child alter will talk like in a childlike-way.  In addition it is more than likely that some child alters hold memories of child abuse. She explained to them that Mickey may not be able to write his name probably or even say some words correctly as well as understand certain things. She explained to the Milkovich siblings that it seems his child-alter is holding on to fun memories; positive ones which is why he is so happy and loving.

Mickey is eating the big bowl of ice cream that Mandy gave him and he is enjoying it. He has ice cream all over his face and he is sticky. Now he’s just talking to Iggy and Collin and laughing as they were making jokes that were child appropriate. After Mickey finishes eating his ice cream, Iggy tries to help him into the bathroom to clean off the stickiness. Mickey said he wanted a bubble bath so Iggy ran the water for him, but then Mickey gets scared and starts screaming “NO GET AWAY! DON’T TOUCH ME!” he says and starts crying. Mickey is backing up against the wall as if he was trying really hard to get further away. Just then Charlene, Mandy and Collin come in the bathroom to see what’s happening.

“What did you do?” Charlene asked Iggy calmly.

“I just turned on the water for him and was helping him get into the bathtub to take a bath. He said he wanted bubbles so I was doing just that and he freaked out.” Iggy explained frantically.

Young Mickey is now at the end of the bathroom with his legs up to his chest crying and rocking back and forth. Charlene approaches him slowly and kneels down to in front of him, but not too close to him. “Mickey what’s wrong? Can you tell me what happened?”

“He’s gonna put me in the tub again and hurt me.” Young Mickey says lowly, his eyes were fixed on the floor and it looks like he was remembering something as he spoke “He’s mean to me.”

“Who’s going to hurt you Mickey, who’s mean to you?” Dr. Charlene asked

“Daddy…he put me in the tub and holds me under da water sometimes. When I take too long in da bathtub…but I’m sorry I didn’t mean to take too long.” Child Mickey says to her and he is crying. “He said I didn’t clean myself right. He puts da hot water on and makes me stand in… (Mickey hiccup his words as he spoke to her now and he seems more scared now as he talks) he told me I have to wash myself right….He’s mean-but don’t tell him I said dat because he will get mad at me again….and I don’t like it when he hits me. Don’t tell him puerze don’t.” Young Mickey says as tears rolled down his face.

“I won’t tell him Mickey I promise, but can you tell me more about your daddy Mickey?” Charlene asked him

“He calls me names, but it’s because I duop stuff all da time. So I try not to duop stuff because he gets mad and he yells and hits me sometimes. He burned me one time on my hand here because I duopped da milk on the floor…..I-I-I didn’t mean to, I just wanted Milk and no one will help me.” Mickey says lowly in a whisper and is crying again.

“It’s okay Mickey, it’s okay you don’t have to worry okay. No one here will tell him. You’re safe here. Now can you tell me anything else Mickey?” Dr. Jimenez asked

“No I can’t…Ouch!” He says and his head is starting to hurt again “It hurts! Make it stop! MAKE IT STOP!” he screams.  When he lets go of his head he looks up at Charlene and wipes his tears away from his face and looks around. “Why am I crying? And what the fuck are you doing here?” He says to Dr. Jimenez.

Charlene was hesitant but spoke anyways “Mickey?”

His face looks confused with disgust on it “No it’s not fucking Mickey… Where’s Ian? And why they fuck am I in here with you all?” Nick says furiously, while looking at everyone in the room. “Answer ME DAMMIT!”

“Nick, Ian is at home or at work. He’s not here.” Dr. Jimenez says

“What did you do to him? Why the fuck am I here without him.” Nick says furiously again not directing the question to anyone. “I gotta get the fuck outta here.” Nick says and processed to leave the bathroom that was when Collin stops him.

“No Nick you can’t. Mickey gave us instruction in case this were to happen. Leah did you call the hospital already?” Collin says to her and Nick saw that she was on the phone talking to someone and turns back quickly to look Dr. Jimenez in disbelief.

“I’m not going fucking back. You can all fuck yourselves. NO FUCKING WAY! I’m Not going anywhere with you fucking people! Where is Ian, I need to see Ian now. You can’t fuckin do this to me!” Nick says in a rage.

“Yes we can. Mickey made us his beneficiary in case something like this where happened.” Collin says to Nick.

“Fuck you is what happened. My husband is the only person that can make those decision now and you ain’t him.” Nick says to Collin pointing at him.

“Nick, you, nor Mickey are married to anyone so what the fuck is you talking about?” Iggy says now.

“Yes the fuck we are. I married Ian” He says and turns to look at Collin and Leah “So you better fuckin call off your dogs, cause I ain’t going nowhere.” He hisses out at them.

“You’re lying and even if it were true it can’t be legal right?” Collin says to Dr. Charlene.

“Honestly I don’t know. If he used Mickey’s ID and Name then technically yes it’s legal. We would have to go through weeks of court to show the judge that he’s a danger to himself and other. But then again the spouse is the one who has to consent to anything.” Dr. Jimenez says talking to the Milkovich siblings then she directed her last sentence to Nick. “But right now Nick can be lying about being married to Ian. I would need to see proof before we can take your word on it Nick.”

“You think I’m fucking stupid. CALL IAN RIGHT NOW! You think I’m lyin’ he’s my husband and you can’t do this shit to me! Now move the fuck out of my way!” Nick says in angry.

“No one is saying anything Nick okay. But right now what we need you to do is calm down for a bit okay. Mickey had another alter come out and it wasn’t you.” Dr. Charlene says hoping it would calm the man down a bit. To say the least Nick not shocked but yet surprised.

“Another alter? Who- who was it?” Nick says quickly

“Well Charlene said it had to be Mickey when he was younger. He called himself Mikhailo, he was four years old.” Mandy says to Nick who looks at her sad and then turns to look at himself in the mirror. He notices that he’s covered in pant and he can taste ice cream in his mouth. He touches his face and it was sticky.

“Oh shit!” He whispered to himself, no one heard him but Dr. Charlene.

“Do you know who he is? Or do you remember anything?” Dr. Charlene asked him slowly and carefully.

“No!” Nick said quickly and nervous, but Charlene didn’t believe him but didn’t want to push any further.

“Why don’t we just let Nick get cleaned up okay. I’m sure he wants to get his clothes cleaned and remove the paint off of him. Then we can talk more okay…Let’s not get ahead of ourselves” Dr. Jimenez says and walks past Nick.

Collin wanted to object, but Charlene gave him a face to not. So everyone left the bathroom and Nick looks in the mirror and turns away. He knew who Mikhailo was “but why did he let him out.” Nick says to himself and then proceeded to get undress while grabbing the phone from his pocket and tries to call Ian. When he didn’t pick up, Nick text Ian and called him again, but nothing came through. He left him a voicemail telling him to come get him that they were holding him hostage. “Fuck where are you Ian.” Nick says again.

Nick showers and gets dressed in his preferred clothes, not Mickeys. He never understood why Mickey had shitty taste in clothes.  Before leaving Mickey’s room, Nick calls Ian again from Mickey’s phone but nothing again so he left a voicemail “Look asshole you better answer the damn phone! I need you now baby; there trying to fucking send me to a fucking hospital and fucking there saying Mickey gave them some beneficiary rights or some shit. But that shits void because of me and you, so can you please, please Ian pick up your fucking phone! Ian you promised you wouldn’t leave me (Nick voice started to crack) I can’t fucking go back there. That’s for crazy people and I’m not fucking crazy…Baby I’m back so come get me and NOW!” Nick says over the phone and hangs up the phone.

Once Nick hangs up the phone, he goes and walks out of his room to see 3 larger men there dressed in nurse outfits. He starts to back away slowly, because this shit can’t be fucking happening. They can’t put him in the fucking nut house? Not again! He remembers that Mickey keeps a gun next to his bed inside his night stand. The first thing Nick does is he takes a picture fame from the wall right next to him and quickly smashes it against one of the male nurse head. He then runs back into the room next to the night stand and opens the draw to get the gun, but there’s no gun. ‘What the fuck’ he thinks to himself and then one of the male nurses comes from behind him and grabs him. He end up head budding them from the back and gets out of the hold the man had on him. Meanwhile Nick didn’t notice that the other male nurse and Charlene were next to him. The male nurse grabs Nick quickly while Charlene gave him a shot of medication. Nick swung a left hook at the nurse, just as he’s done that, he then starts to feel drowsy. He put his hand on the wall and tries to balance himself. But Nick just fell and put his back against the wall and then everything goes black.

****************************************

When Nick comes to he is already in the ambulance this time and he’s wearing a straitjacket. He tries to fight harder. One of the nurses then goes to try and help Nick sit up from where he is at on the stretcher. That result ended with Nick biting the nurse hard. Nick is beyond upset and was making things even more badly for himself.

“LET GO OF ME! LET ME GO!” Nick screams at the nurses and continues to scream as the nurses brings him in to the hospital yet again. “NO NOT AGAIN! LET ME GO! LET ME FUCKING GO! LET ME GO! IMA KILL MY STUPID FUCKING BROTHER!  LET ME GO, YOU CAN’T DO THIS! YOU FUCKING PEOPLE HAVE NO RIGHT, NO FUCKING RIGHT!” He continues on yelling over and over again.

“Please be careful with him!” Collin yells out to the nurses who are trying to restrain Nick again.

“I’m sorry sir, but he’s a danger to us, and the staff.” One male nurse says as the other was trying to hold Nick down. There were three big male nurses and yet they were still struggling to hold Nick down.

“Fuck you! You stupid Bitch! Just you fucking wait till I get out of here!” Nick says to Collin and the nurse goes to take Nick into the padded room. “Let me go! No! Call Ian someone, call IAN!” Nick yells at them again.

Collin is just standing looking on and is wordless to say anything; Mandy and Iggy were talking to someone and Leah was with Collin rubbing his back. There were no words needed to say. He had to commit his brother and Him Mandy and Iggy needed to make a decision on what to do now.

“Get your fucking hands off of me or I’ll fucking take them off.” Nick shouts at the nurses as they remove their hands off of him and let him sit on his bed alone. Nick is furious they couldn’t keep him in here. Collin had no right whatsoever. Neither of Mickeys siblings had rights over him.

“Does my brother really need to be in a padded cell and to have a straitjacket on? Can you at least remove the jacket please?” Mandy says to one of the nurse.

“I’m sorry but we were told he was to be treated with extreme caution. Plus he bit one of my other nurses. He’s a danger to us and staff.” The male nurse says to Mandy. Mandy looks defeated as she looks in the window of the door and saw Nick trying to get out of the jacket. Nick sees her and is looking at her and he yells again “Zatelefonuyte Ian Mendi! Nazyvaty yoho! Bud’ laska!” ( **Call Ian Mendi! Call him! Please!)** . She turns around in tears and left to go find out what was going to happen to her brother.

“Can we see him at least then” Collin says to one of the male nurses.

“With all due respect sir; I would advise against that. He’s very violent and right now we weren’t able to give him more medication to calm him down. We don’t even know how he managed to get up from what Dr. Jimenez gave him. He should have been drowsy at least. ” The Male nurse says to Collin, but Collin didn’t care.

“I get that, but that’s my brother in there, and I need to see him please. At least let me go in there.” Collin says to the nurse. The nurse looks like he wants to say no again, but just sighs and says okay to Collin and tells him if he needs any of the nurses to call them. They were going to be outside the door just in case.

Collin walks in the padded room and is looking at Nick now.

“Came in here all by yourself huh? You must be either the bravest piece of shit I know or the dumbest mother fucker I know. You chose, your pick!” Nick says to Collin with so much venom behind his voice. If his hands were not locked up like they were now; he would be strangling Collin.

“Nick I need you to understand we’re doing this for you, to help you.” Collin starts off with.

“And I NEED YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT I DON’T NEED MY HANDS AND ARMS TO HURT YOU!” Nick shouts at Collin.

“Nick please! You have to let us help you. You’re out of control right now.” Collin pleads with Nick so that he could understand why he is at the hospital again.

“Yeah well you ain’t seen nothing yet! But guess what Collin? I’m still here and where or where is Mickey huh! Oh Wait! He left AGAIN; like he always fucking does…you know what this time you’re never gonna see him again, if I have anything to say about it.” Nick says growling at Collin.

“What do you want Nick? You can’t have Mickey’s life, you know this!” Collin says to Nick firmly.

“I want my life!” Nick shouts at Collin again trying to get out of the restraints he's in.

“Why do you always lash out on me? Why do you hate me so much?” Collin says to Nick sadly.

“Really! Well hmmm let me think. Oh yeah, I’m in here because of you!” Nick says snapping at Collin.

“I LOVE YOU NICK PLEASE!” Collin yells at his brother hoping to get much better response.

Nick just stops and stares at Collin for a moment before he speaks. “…..You love me?” Nick asked Collin. Nick continues to look at Collin in shock, but he wasn’t falling for that shit. Collin didn’t love Nick; he loved Mickey and not him. No one loved him, only Ian did.

Collin nods his head up and down while he speaks to Nick. “Yes Nick I do; you’re a part of Mickey and I love him and you.” Collin says with so much emotion in his voice.

Nick is beyond pissed, in fact he is Livid. All Collin was trying to do is lie to him. His words meant nothing to Nick. “GO TO HELL! You might as well go home and plan Mickeys funeral because I would rather die than let Mickey back out!”

“No! Mickey won’t let that happen, and I damn sure ain’t gonna let that happen. I’m going to talk to Charlene about some kind of therapy method for you. Mickey told me to make sure you guys were taking care of. I won’t let you ruin my brother life.” Collin says

“See right there” Nick says to Collin while giving him a smirk. “That’s how I know you were lying to me… Just let me tell you something, you fucking piece of shit! You ain’t seen nothin’ yet!” Nick says as he walks back-words to the wall and sat down leaning against it smiling at Collin. He’s looking directly at Collin with such hate that Collin had to leave the room right then and there.

***********************************************************************************

As soon as Collin steps out of the room, he saw Mandy and Iggy talking to another doctor. Dr. Taylor it was. Charlene was called into an emergency and she asked Leah for help, so she went with her. Collin didn’t know this doctor but he was given Mickeys file to look over while Charlene handles what she needed to handle. However Mandy was shaking her head no and Iggy was as well. They both looked pissed off and they were glaring at him like he was the enemy now. So Collin walks up to them to see what they were talking about. “What’s wrong? What’s the matter?” Collin says directing his question to everyone.

“Dr. Taylor wants to fucking give Mickey Electroshock therapy. He just got Mickeys folder, he knows nothing about him Collin. I want Charlene back here now!” Mandy snaps out like the words burned her.

“At the moment Dr. Jimenez is dealing with an emergency but once she’s done she will come back here. I did go over his file back and forth. I assure you that this is a best option for Mickey, if you want him back.” Dr. Taylor says.

“Fucking Dr. Taylor said something about it fucking being safe and that it will help Mickey and most likely bring him back.” Iggy says then.

That was when Dr. Taylor jumps in as he saw that the younger siblings did not agree with the treatment. “Look Collin I was talking to one of my colleagues and I went over Mickey’s chart since Charlene is dealing with an emergency at the moment. I think that it's best opinion and he also suggested that it would best for us to give Mickey ECT. We can control the voltages and it won’t be high at all. We would give him the least invasive technique.” Dr. Taylor says to Collin who is just nodding his head as he listens to the doctor.

“How long will the treatment be for? And will he get any damaged from it if I say yes to it. Will it bring back my brother?” Collin says to Dr. Taylor

That was when both Mandy and Iggy look at Collin like he was the one who needed to be locked up in a fucking padded room. “You can’t be fucking serious Collin. Are you really suggesting this?” Iggy says to Collin.

“If we get Mickey back, then yes.” Collin says looking at his brother and sister.

“No. No fucking way  _ AM _ I agreeing to it.” Mandy says and Iggy sides with Mandy.

Collin looks at Dr. Taylor and asked him if there was anything other than the ECT treatment. Dr. Taylor gives him his honest opinion on the matter and tells Collin if he ever wants Mickey back; that this would be one of the best ways. Dr. Taylor tells Collin that the fact that Nick is fighting so hard to stay out and in control, that they can lose Mickey. Collin didn’t know what to do. He wanted to talk to Charlene about this but she was dealing with an emergency in the hospital and Leah was helping out as well. Fuck! He decided to try one more time to get through to Nick so that Mickey can come back out. It was worth a shot. Plus this doctor didn’t know Mickey well, so how could he know what was best for him. But losing his brother was not an opinion and if it needed to be done then he would do it.

********************************

“You will never learn will you Nick.” The Alter says to Nick. Nick turns around to see who was speaking and sees an image of him but not him. The alter is wearing glasses, his hair was slick back and he was wearing a long sleeve turtleneck shirt with black slacks. God Nick thought he looked like a stuck up asshole.

“Who asked you? Get the fuck out of here!” Nick says to the other alter.

“I’m locked in our head remember?” The alter says as he motions towards his head.

“Then help me to get the fuck outta here!” Nick shouts at the alter while trying to struggle against the jacket.

“You can start by resisting the impulse to bite and fight the medical staff.” The alter says flatly

“I will bite and kick anyone’s ass before I let them keep me in here.  Or let Mickey back out. No fucking way is that happening again… And News flash asshole I’m not going anywhere.” Nick snaps back out.

“And why is that?” The alter asked Nick.

“Because I want to be with Ian, I want my life! For fuck sacks I deserve it! You know he’s good for us okay.” Nick says while still trying to get himself free from the stray-jacket, which was not working.

“You have taken advantage of Mickey Nick.” The alter says looking at Nick firmly

Nick snaps his head up looking at the alter and shaking his head. “What the fuck? I haven’t done nothin’ okay, and neither has Ian. He’s not like that Colt and you know it.” Nick says to the other alter with so much heat behind his voice.

“Well Ian knew that Mickey was sick and yet he still married him, and still kept him away from his family.” The alter said deadpan to Nick.

“Yeah a family who doesn’t know him; and Ian didn’t do anything wrong and you know that!” Nick says

“Be that as it may, you are a fragment of Mickey for when he is unable to cope with things. Our first integration process is being attempted and he may not be ready, but that is not for you to decide.” The alter says flatly to Nick.

“I HATE YOU! GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE! LEAVE ME ALONE!” Nick yells at him and then the alter disappeared again.

Just then Collin walks in and Nick turns around and looks at him. Collin is just looking at him and then Collin begins to speak. He thought maybe scaring Nick with ECT will do the trick and if not. Then there was no choice but to go with that treatment. “Why are you doing this Nick?” Collin asked Nick.

“Because well hmm let’s see, I have a life too and it feels good.” Nick says snickering at Collin.

“It feels good….okay how so?” Collin asked curiously

“Really? (Nick chuckles and continues to talk) Taking a hot shower, the warmth on my skin, dancing on stage to loud music and being free! Driving a car fast as I can, blasting music as loud as I can, painting and draw it all  _ makes me feel _ good. Kissing a hot guy and feeling that pleasure. Having sex and touching and being held…It’s like an energy that just fucking feels good!  So what do you think huh? You can go fuck yourself” Nick says to Collin.

“Well, Nick. You’re going to cooperate and you’re gonna let Mickey come back.” Collin says to Nick, trying to be strong and hard and letting Nick know that he wasn’t playing games.

“Whooo the fuck are you huh?” (Nick raises his eyebrows so high up you would have thought they disappeared) “Why would I do that? hmpm What’s in it for me? Oh yeah, that’s right NOTHING!” Nick says.

“Nick you’re a defense mechanism, you’re Mickey’s protector, you’re just a fragment of Mickey, the one who helps him. I get that okay I do.” Collins says

“Whatever you say; just because the Doc gave you some insight to D.I.D you think you’re some kind of fuckin expert or some shit,” Nick says sarcastically to him.

“Here’s the thing. Either you bring back Mickey or we agree to electroconvulsive therapy.” Collin says to him with a serious tone to his voice. That sentence alone makes Nick turn around quickly and look at Collin to see if he was bullshitting or not.

Nick is looking at Collin to see if he was bluffing, but he didn’t see anything in the man eyes that indicated he was lying to Nick. “You wouldn’t do that, your bluffing. You wouldn’t risk frying your precious Mickey’s brain.”

“Well see ECT has come a long way and Dr. Taylor has assured me that there is no frying of any kind of sort. The doctor will give you a very small controlled dose of it and you would be sensitized” Collin says calmly to Nick.

‘Who the fuck is Doctor Taylor?’ Nick thought to himself; Collin had to be bluffing there’s no way he would do that to Mickey “Oh is that right Collin. (Nick says laughing) Sensitize me why don’t you. Because me being here reminds you of every single fuck up you did! Of every time you walked away and left Mickey alone to defend himself from those monsters and what they did to us….Do I remind you of everything you lost Collin? You’re youth, your adult years of having fun and being reckless, of having a life….No…no you see you’ve lost your soul and what’s left of it. I mean look at you. When’s the last time you ever lived your life and felt free and good huh?” Nick says taunting Collin and trying to intimidate him.

“You know…when I held my daughter for the first time. When I asked you if you can be the godfather and you said yes. When I told you I’m sorry for everything that happened and you never knew and I was happy that you didn’t remember. And especially when you told me you were happy. That was me living my life. Being able to take care of you, Mandy, and Iggy…that was my life and still is. NO matter what Nick, I don’t regret a damn thing. I wish to god I was around more to make sure nothing happened to you, but I wasn’t and I can’t change that, and I’m sorry. So no I haven’t lost my soul, I’ve made peace with the past because I had to for my family, but most importantly for my daughter.” Collin says to Nick

“Yeah well, I don’t believe you for a second. Plus that whole I’m happy and blah blah, blah bullshit…that was all Mickey, not me.” Nick says to Collin glaring at him. “That was Mickey Collin, not me.”

“No, you see it was you as well. You’re apart of Mickey, so it was you as well….I know it can’t be much fun for you in here.” Collin says gesturing to the padded room around them.

“Well, I won’t be here long,” Nick says with confidence.

“No you won’t; and like I said you’re going to cooperate and let Mickey come back,” Collin says to Nick again in a more stronger tone behind his voice.

“Again smartass; why the fuck would I do that huh?” Nick says to Collin

“Nick you have to allow Mickey to integrate. You know that I know that, and he knows that. He has to come out and deal with things he has to face and have his life back. You’re preventing Mickey from coming back.” Collin says now more irritated at Nick then he was before

“Oh REALLY! Then where the fuck is he, Collin, huh? I am not preventing shit okay.  I’m living my life! He’s the one that left and here I am!” Nick shouts at Collin.

Collin now tries to reason with Nick but keeps strong in front of him. “Nick you know that you will continue to exist as a part of Mickey, you have to know this.” Collin pleads with him.

“As what!” Nick says and his voice is trembling as he speaks and Collin’s looking at him sadly now “As an occasional wisecrack of a joke or fucking artist? As what huh; as nothing okay! No… No, If I go back I lose everything….Do you think that Mickey is the only one with a life here? People love me, you, Mandy and Iggy you said you love me right. So why can’t you let me live my life and be happy about it. Why can’t you all love me as Nick? Ian…Ian, he loves me, no matter who I am…I know this.” Nick says strongly to Collin.

Collin walks up to Nick and turns him around to undo the straitjacket. Collin couldn’t see his brother like this anymore. Then he spoke “Nick you’re apart of Mickey, of course, we all love you,” Collin says but was cut off by Nick again.

“I’m not a part of anything Collin! I’m  _ Me _ don’t you get that! Please don’t you see that? I’m-I’m all of Mickey’s wants and needs and his desires! Don’t you people fucking get that! If you get rid of me you’re killing everything in Mickey, everything that is him in every fucking way!” Nick says and his eyes are glassy now.

“I can’t lose my brother. Now unless you give me back my brother I’m gonna have to take him back by force Nick.” Collin says very seriously looking at Nick eye to eye not losing contact.

“…..I chose life. I’m not going anywhere.” Nick says and with that Collin walks out of the padded room.

****************************

Collin walks out the room and looks up at his brother and sister. “We have to do it. He has to get the ECT treatment. We can’t allow him to continue to do this to Mickey; the last time he was out he disappeared for nearly a year. I won’t lose my brother again!” Collin says in a rush to siblings.

“I don’t care what you say, I’m not agreeing to it and neither is Iggy,” Mandy says to Collin. Not caring what they said, Collin was desperate and agreed to the treatment by telling Doctor Taylor to go ahead with the treatment. Mandy and Iggy protested and refused to consent to this treatment. They both wanted to speak to Dr. Jimenez first. Mandy had remembered what Nick said to her earlier, so she texts Debbie and asked her for Ian’s number. Debbie gave it to her without a problem and asked why a few seconds later. Mandy told her what was happening and that Nick said him and Ian were married.

Mandy asked Debbie if that was true, and Debbie said yes that it was because she was there when they did get married.  With that new information there was no way that her and her brothers could give consent; let only have Collin. But Mandy and Iggy needed Ian to get down here and show the hospital that they were married. If that helped her brother from getting ECT then she would do it. Collin obviously wasn’t listening or thinking straight and this fucking doctor Taylor wasn’t any better.

Mandy knew her brother, and she knew Mickey wouldn’t consent to ECT treatment. They had talked about it and he didn’t want that at all. Mandy texts Ian and told him to hurry his ass to the hospital. Ian told her he was on his way and for her and Iggy to try and stall the doctors and Collin from doing anything to Mickey.

While that was happening this was happening in the white cell padded room _________________

“FUCK!” Nick yells out holding his head. He was getting a bad headache, and then-- “What the fuck?....Let me out you can’t do this.” Nick says to other alters.

“Actually yes I can Nick.  You have put us in a situation where Mickey wellbeing is in danger.” The alter says to Nick, his tone was firm and strong but he had no emotions within his face.

“God Damn it, Rick! I had everything under control you know that! Collin isn’t gonna use ECT on Mickey he wouldn’t do that! Plus Ian will come for us, I know he will...Don’t you fucking do this you selfish piece of shit!” Nick says, revealing yet another alter he knew about besides him and little Mickey.

“I am not being selfish. You know how this goes, and please do stop calling me Rick. That is an awful nickname for me.” Rick says calmly, emotionless as he looks at the image of themselves. “You are the reason why Mickey is in the hospital,” Richard says calmly emotionless again it was his way of talking that Nick got annoyed with.

“Oh, I’m Sorry Mr. Goody two shoes Richard!” Nick says sarcastically “Look okay, you think I don’t know that? Let me Out RICK! …  Rick would you listen to me!” Nick yells to him. Nick was trying to get control again, but Nick was stronger for some reason.

“And Why would I do that? ...You do know you are more trouble than you’re worth.” Rick says coldly to Nick

The words were cold and Nick knew what he meant, but he didn’t care. He needs to be in control and not have Richard in Control. “Look okay, you don’t understand.” Nick begins to plead.

“I understand plenty, Nick. I know what goes on in Mickey’s mind. I see everything and know everything that happens in the real world.” Rick says emotionless to Nick looking at him as he appeared in front of him.

And that comment just irritates Nick more. “Look here Ricky! Don’t give me that shit okay!  You don’t know shit! You’re always stuck in that fuckin place, stuck in the dark cold isolated room we have in here (Nick points to his head), with your stupid ass glasses and fucking turtleneck shirt looking at us like we’re some fuckin experiment!” Nick says becoming more enraged with Rick by the second.

“I do what I have to do in times of crisis, hence this is a time of crisis,” Rick says dryly

Nick rolls his eyes at Rick. “Did you just try and fucking make a joke?” Nick tilts his head to the left slightly in confusion at Nick’ comment. Nick just shrugs his shoulders and continues on talking “You know what never mind I asked. This isn’t a crisis! Jesus Christ, I have everything under control. I know what the fuck I have to do.” Nick says to Rick.  

“Yes well know it’s up to me to get you out of this. You have led me no choice in the matter really.” Rick says and turns away from Nick.

“Rick! Rick! I can handle this damn it!” Nick screams at him.

*****************************************************************

Rick straightens himself up and folds his jacket neatly. He pushes his hair back so it’s nice and neat. He makes sure his shirt is tucked in his pants and he walks up to the door in his cell room and knocks on it, trying to get someone attention. The door flew open and there are three tall men there in front of him. “I want to speak to Dr. Jimenez immediately,” Richard says to the 3 male nurses in blue scrubs.

“You can speak to her after you’re done with your treatment.” One nurse says to him and grabs Richard by the arm while the other nurse grabs him by the other. Richard simply looks at both men and did not struggle with them. Showing the male nurses that he has no means to fight with them. “How did your jacket come off,” another nurse asked him.

“It was Collin, and I must inform you that I have to speak with Dr. Charlene Jimenez immediately. This is not a matter that can wait.” Richard says again firmly this time.

“Well like these genital men said Nick, you can’t and right now. We’re taking you for your first round of ECT.” The person in front of Rick, who looks like a doctor said to him.

“You must be Dr. Taylor I assume.” When the man nods his head yes Richard begins to speak. “Well you are not our doctor and you have no authority over me, neither do Mickey’s siblings. My name is not Nick it’s Richard” Richard says looking at the man up and down. “In addition, I don’t understand how they can have someone like you as a doctor.”

Doctor Taylor, of course, was unimpressed with his new patient and ordered the nurse to take him into the room for treatment. “Go take him to room 20 the table is prep for treatment.”

The nurses take Mickey/Nick/Richard to the room, but he was fighting back now. “You can’t do this! My brother has no authorization over me. Mickey’s proxy is invalid!” Richard says again with more force and seriousness. But the nurses weren’t hearing it, and put Mickey/Nick/Richard on the table and strapped him in. He kept struggling and then he saw someone he didn’t expect to see.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yes there is another 2 alters. I hope the ending of this chapter has you guys wanting more. Will Mickey get the ECT or not. I have written the next 2 chapters but I still have to edit so please bare with me. Again I love the comment and kudos and love xoxoxoxoxo


	21. The Gate Keeper

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ps. If you guys didn't know I have been rewriting a few things and editing at the same time with each chapter. So I suggest you go back and read it again from the beginning if you want to. I will put up a new chapter but after I have finished editing the whole story. So enjoy guys.
> 
>  
> 
> Okay so here's the next chapter. Its short but I don't know about this one. I don't know if I did a great job with this one. But do let me know.  
> ps  
> I do love your comments and kudos so please leave them and let me know what you think. The next chapter I'm working on.

Mandy is running behind Ian along with Iggy trying to catch up with Mickey before they took him to the examination room. He wasn’t in the room where he was put in. “FUCK” They asked the nurse at the station where did they take Mickey; once they found out where he was at Iggy went off to go find Dr. Jimenez. They get to room 20 and all eyes including the man on the table were looking at them.

“STOP IT NOW!” Ian says and goes into the room with Mandy as she went to the table beside Mickey. “That is my husband and I didn’t consent or sign any paperwork saying he can have this treatment. So before I have my brother come in here and sue your asses and take everything you fucking own. You’re gonna stop doing what you’re doing and remove my husband from the table.”  Ian says with authority.

“We were told Mr. Milkovich has no spouse, and there is no legal documentation showing that. His brother authorized this procedure; he’s the one that has consent to Mr. Milkovich.” Dr. Taylor says to Ian.

“Well his brother doesn’t have this.” Ian says showing their marriage certificate. “Plus even so, from my understanding you would need all three of his siblings to consent, and you only got one.  So before I kick your ass I suggest you get the fuck away from the bed and my husband…NOW!” Ian says and his eyes became darker than anyone could imagine.

As that was happening Mandy was trying to remove the strapped belts off of Mickey to help him up. The nurse tries to stop Mandy, but one look from Mandy and the nurse backs down. Mandy takes out her knife from her pocket and starts to cut the restraints off of Mickey; all the while still looking at the nurse in front of her. All she told the nurse was “Try me and see what happens.” Of course he doesn’t try and he just backs away from the table.

Charlene, Iggy, Leah and Collin walk into the room, looking at the scene in front of them. Charlene was the first one to speak and she was livid. “What the fuck happened? And why is Mickey in here?” When no one answers quickly enough for her she becomes upset even more.  “I didn’t authorize this treatment!” Charlene says. Leah is now looking at Collin right now because Iggy told her what her husband did. If looks could kill, Leah would have killed Collin and brought him back just to kill him again. “Answer ME GOD DAMMIT. Remove him from this room now and bring into my room at once.” Charlene orders the nurses. Charlene then walks up to Dr. Taylor and glares at him. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing with my patient? You were supposed to only consulate with me, not take action! I didn’t agree to this treatment and my patient doesn’t want this treatment!” she hisses at him.

Dr. Taylor doesn’t say anything and Charlene continue to tell him off. “Have you any fucking idea what you have done? ...He could be set back from all the fucking work we have done. You could have messed up his progress and set him back years. Are you out of your fucking mind!” she yells at Dr. Taylor. Dr. Taylor didn’t get a chance to talk because once Charlene said what she needed to say, Ian taps Dr. Taylor on the shoulders. Once Dr. Taylor turns around to face the person who tapped him on the shoulder, Ian punches him straight in the noise, sending Dr. Taylor on the floor on his back holding on to his bloody nose.  Ian didn’t have to say anything to the good old doctor; he just grins at the doctor on the floor and left the room. Charlene looks at the Dr. Taylor shakes her head and stormed out of the room.

Dr. Charlene Jimenez walks up to the one Gallagher and 4 Milkovich people in front of her. “What’s the matter, what’s wrong?” she says to no one in particular.

“Mickey is married to Ian, so technically we have no say here. He can easily take Mickey out of the hospital if he wants. Even though it was Nick and Ian that got married, Nick signed the papers in Mickey’s name. So legally they are married, and legally we aren’t his main care providers if something happens to him. Iggy tells her

Charlene then turns to Ian now who is looking really uncomfortable right now. “Mr. Gallagher, I know you have been through a lot, but right now I need to sit and talk to Nick and help him and Mickey. Can you allow him to stay in here for a couple of days, please?” she asked Ian

“I want to see him.” Ian says quickly “If and only if he says no then it’s no; but if you want I can try and convince him. But once Nick makes up his mind that’s it.” Ian says to her. She looks at the Milkovich siblings and then back at Ian and nods her head in agreement.

“Okay. Follow me he should be in my room right now.” Charlene says and Ian followed her.

Once they get to the room Ian walks over to the man he loves and kisses him. Except Nick didn’t kiss back; When Ian pulls back and looks at Nick, he step back and shook his head. “Nick? Nick what’s wrong? I came as soon as I could. Did they hurt you?” Ian asked and when he looks at Nick again he sees how different Nick looks like and is well not the Nick he knows would normally look.

Richard went up to Ian and takes his hand and shakes it. “I’m not Nick I am Richard. And I thank you for getting us out of there. I had to admit I did not see you coming to get us at all. But Nick was hopeful to say the least.” Richard says and walks over to Dr. Jimenez who was near her desk and takes her glasses off of her desk and put them on his. “There. That’s better.” He says and looks at Charlene and Ian.

“You’re not Nick?  You’re another alter?” Ian says to him.

“No I am not Nick and Yes, I am another one of Mickey’s alters. Nick was not able to control the situation, so I had to step in.” Richard says to Ian simply with an expressionless face.

Ian looks at Charlene and nods his head. He walks up to Richard and kisses him on the cheek and tells him he loved him no matter what. Richard had no emotions towards that and nodded his head simple, and then Ian left the room.

Ian walks out the room and is still in shocked of what just happened. He didn’t know how to processes everything. He looks at Mandy who’s comes up to him and asked him what was wrong. Ian looks sick and hurt all at once. This was becomes harder and harder to deal with, but he simply didn’t care. He loves Nick no matter what or who he is, and Debbie was right when they talked. Ian simply shakes his head at Mandy and tells her what just happened. Iggy is with her and they all knew right then and there. And that was that Mickey has another alter name Richard.

**********************************************************************************

“Who are you?” Dr. Jimenez spoke as she walks towards her patient who has now combed his hair to the side parted slightly on the right, he had already took her glasses and was wearing them. He removed his earring he had in his ears and places them down carefully on the middle on her coffee table in front of them. A new alter she knew that, but what Kind and why did he appear now? Dr. Jimenez is thinking.

“My name is Richard or how Nick calls me, Rick Dr. Jimenez.” She nods her head and writes something down on her notepad as Richard continues to talk to her “I know what you’re thinking, why am I here?” Richard says to her and Dr. Jimenez nods her head again yes to Richard, so he continues to talk. “Well it’s simple really, Nick got us in a bad situation and I had to get us out. Rather it was Ian, but I had to intervene before Nick made the situation a much bigger problem for us. Nick won’t be a concern at the moment, that I can reassure you. I am the one who is in charge of who comes out and who stays out. I make sure that the others do not do things that are…. (Rick looks up and it seems he’s thinking of what to say) Unnecessary as you would say.” Rick says and just looks as the doctor and begins to speak.

“Actually what I was thinking was what kind of alter are you. But I think I figured it out; you’re Mickey’s gatekeeper aren’t you.” When Richard nods head yes to Dr. Jimenez she continues to talk. “So you are more of the observing emotional part of his alters. As well as being able to control other alters of when they are out.” She then sighs and continues to talk to Rick. “And Nick would be the protector as well as the abuser alter in away. Am I not right?” Dr. Jimenez says to Rick who has now sat down on the chair in the room with his hands folded sitting up straight looking at her.

“Abuser sounds very harsh, but if you want to talk psychological terms then yes and No. You are also wrong. You see the protector has three main types which includes the abuser. I prefer that abuser is more of the persecutor. For Nick, he’s as well is the caretaker and fighter. But he has caused a mess nonetheless; don’t you agree Dr. Jimenez?” Richard says to Dr. Jimenez.

She smiles at him; she knew what she was doing. She knew Nick was Mickey’s protector, she just wanted to see what this new alter would say “Yes. I do.” Dr. Jimenez says and is silent for a minute then she spoke up. “I have to take you to get some test done. Is that alright with you? An examination if you would let me” She says to Rick.

“If you must.” Rick says dully and gets up and walks towards the door and opens it up and turns to wait for her. Dr. Jimenez walks to Richard and leads him out into the hall into the examination room. After the examination Dr. Jimenez sets down with her patient and begins his therapy session. 

“Now Rick I want to ask you a few question. One being that am I able to speak to Mickey, or are you or willing to let him back out?” She asked Rick.

“No. At this time Mickey is too fragile. I’m here because Nick caused a mess and I have to clean it up. We’re in here because of him.” Rick says flatly.

“Actually it was Mickey’s brother and sister who brought him in here, but I also managed to convince Ian to have Mickey, well you stay here for a while or at least until we get Mickey to come back. I can help Mickey. I’ve been his doctor since day one and I know you want what is best for him.” Dr. Jimenez says to Richard.

“I know what was done and how Nick was brought here, but as I said he is the reason we were almost given Electroconvulsive therapy. But if you feel that you must say so; but you also allowed another doctor to take over and it almost caused us harm. I know ECT has come a long way, but there are side-effect that can damage us. I can say that it was both you and Nicks fault; however Nick is to blame for his outburst and unhealthy actions. Electroconvulsive therapy, Mickey would not want, this I know for sure….. Also know this Doctor Jimenez, at the moment Mickey is conflicted, and unsure of himself. He will look for help, and that will determine whether or not he stays and Nick comes out. Just so you know.” Rick says to her.

“Being a gatekeeper you know everything, and you know what’s best for Mickey don’t you.” Dr. Jimenez says to Richard.

“Of course I do. I’m the only one who knows what’s best for him. However My job is also to protect him. So if I have no choice, I will intervene for his wellbeing.” Richard says to Dr. Jimenez, and just then Richard starts to get a headache again and he is feeling dizzy now.

“Well I would like to speak to Mickey, I want to help him and I know you do as well.” Dr. Jimenez says to Rick, but Rick is rubbing his head and it seemed like he is concentrating. When he doesn’t respond Dr. Jimenez goes to Rick and puts her hand on his shoulder. He looks up frightened. “Rick?” she says

“Who’s Rick?” Her patient says to her.

Charlene is hesitant to ask but she went for it “Mickey?” She says and he nods his head yes

Mickey looks at her oddly and takes the glasses on his face. “And why am I wearing glasses? Why am I in your office?” When his doctor didn’t say anything fast enough Mickey gets nervous and asked: “What happened Charlene?” Mickey says confusingly.

“Mickey (Dr. Jimenez sighs) you had an episode Mickey; you had two alter come out and Nick.” She waits for Mickey to processes the information he has just heard. When he looks at her gesturing for her to continue she tells him.  “You had a child alter; you, as a matter of fact, were 4 years old. His name was Mikhailo, but he let us call him Mickey. Then Nick came out; there was a big fight and you were admitted here.” 

“What? Fucking Nick came out again and I have another alter!?” Mickey's eyes widen and he stands up and looks at himself in her mirror in the room “NO…How the fuck did this happen?” he says looking at Charlene.

“Mickey that’s not all that happened; I’m not going to bullshit you on the truth okay.” She says to him and we look at her for her to continue on speaking and Charlene does. “Things got messy I had a huge emergency and another doctor went to take the case, which I did not say can happen. He was just supposed to consult with me with a method of therapy for you. But long story short; you were about to be given ECT (Mickey's eyes widen when she said that) but Ian came running and saying no. He showed proof of your marriage and told the medical staff he wasn’t consenting to ECT and threaten to sue them and the hospital. You being his spouse; having rights they had to stop. Collin was upset, but I was furious, but then at the same time, you had another alter come out. His name is Richard…Can you recall anything from this at all?” Charlene asked him.

Mickey shook his head then spoke “So you’re telling me, (he swallows in a gulp then continues to talk) that-that I had-had two new alters? What the fuck!” Mickey says sitting down putting his hands on his face. He was exhausted and tired and just emotionally drained at this point.

Dr. Charlene Jimenez walks to Mickey and speaks to him. “Mickey it’s common in most cases to have more than one alter; with your child alter you were happy and you were painting and even ate a lot of ice cream. You were singing and being a child. You just wanted to be a kid Mickey. I want you to know that this is okay Mickey, the more we learn about you’re alters the better.” Charlene tells him and he just nods “What’s the last thing you remember Mickey?” she asked him

“I was talking to Colt. He came over and he was being bitchy and he said something to me, but I…fuck I can’t remember. I know I was yelling at him and he was yelling and then I’m here in your office with you.” Mickey says looking at her and only her hoping she can help him.

“Okay your first alter that came out was a child alter, you were 4 years old; do you remember anything at that age, at all?” Mickey shakes his head no and she was taking notes down and looks back up at Mickey and spoke again “like I said before this happens in many cases with individuals like yourself who have multiple personality disorder can and will have more than one personality. Plus we discussed this in our sessions how you may have more than one alter.  But tomorrow I think we should start therapy again and I’m going try something different okay. Tomorrow I’m putting you under hypnosis and we’re going to work from there okay.” She simply says to Mickey.

Mickey is silent and nods his head but then he speaks. “What about the other alter? Who was he?” Mickey asked looking at her.

“His name is Richard; he says Nick calls him Rick. And just like Nick, and Mikhailo his IQ and personality were very different from the rest. His demeanor, his attitude, his view and everything about him was the opposite of all your other alters.  I ran a full physical on him, he’s right hand and left handed but he can’t see from far, which is why you had glasses on. Different Personality can develop traits that the others do not have. In addition to that, he’s what they call a gatekeeper. He’s the alter that is supposed to keep traumatized alters from appearing. I’m assuming that Mikhailo wasn’t supposed to appear from the expression that Nick gave me when I mentioned him to him.  Mikhailo appeared and when I asked him a question he was scared to answer and that was when Nick appeared. If I’m right Richard appeared when things got a little out of Nick’s hands. He felt he had no choice but to come out and deal with the situation because you couldn’t and Nick was unable to keep things from falling down. When the ECT was mentioned that was when Richard decided he needed to come out. Richard just like Nick can hold back memories, but he can control which alters takes control of the mind and body and when needed. The only reason why your back is because he was able to make sure you’re okay to come back. Just like Nick his job is to make sure you are safe and well.” Dr. Jimenez says to Mickey.

Mickey processed all this information for a few moments then stood up “Who said it was okay to give me the ECT? I told Mandy that would be the last and only last opinion?” Mickey asked now trying to distract himself from learning about the two new alters.

Dr. Jimenez was hesitant to answer, but it was in both their best interest to not lose trust in one another. “Now before you get mad, I want you to know that it didn’t happen okay.” Dr. Jimenez says to Mickey because right now she could tell how angry he was. He wanted to distract himself from what he learned and taking his anger out on someone or something seemed to be his distraction.

“Yeah because of Ian, who stopped it; now tell me which one of my fucking siblings gave consent? Was it Collin or Iggy? Because I know for sure Mandy wouldn’t consent to it.” Mickey hisses out at her, his mood changes quickly with rage.

“Again I want you to remember that sometimes the people we love do stupid shit at desperate times okay. Plus I was held up with something and…. It was Collin, but Mickey he felt like he had to make a decision he was desperate Mickey!” Dr. Jimenez says to Mickey but he was out of his chair and opening the door with the quickness.

Mickey saw his siblings talking and Ian was just listening to what Mandy and Iggy were telling him and Collin. Well, Collin was with Leah talking but that didn’t stop Mickey from walking up to Collin turning him around and punching him square in the jaw. Making Collin fall back and hit his ass on the floor.

“What the FUCK Mickey!” Leah yells while helping Collin off the floor.

“HOW FUCKING DARE YOU? HUH! … HOW FUCKING DARE YOU LET THEM ALMOST GIVE ME ECT COLLIN!” Mickey is beyond livid, he is hurt and betrayed. Iggy and Ian had to hold Mickey back because he was trying to go after Collin again. And yeah sure ECT did come a long way from how it use to be used, but there were bad and damaging side effects and Mickey had expressed verbally to his siblings he didn’t want that as a form of treatment. Collin knew that and that’s what hurt Mickey the most.

“I thought I was gonna lose you forever!” Collin yells back at his baby brother.

“You fucking knew! If it wasn’t for Ian you really would have let them do that to me! ….You’re supposed to protecting me Collin, you’re supposed to be there for me, and not fucking go with what some shitty doctor says something else. That mother fucker doesn’t even know me.” Mickey says sounding hurt.

“Mick I’m sorry okay,” Collin says to Mickey.

Mickey is just shaking his head and turns around and walks to towards Ian. He looks up at Ian and smiles “thank you.” Mickey says to him and Ian just nods his head and cups Mickey's face and nods again. Mickey felt safe for some reason next to Ian but he wanted to leave, he didn’t want to be here anymore. There is too many things happening for him in one day and he just wanted to go home before he broke again. He could feel himself slipping again and it was getting to him.  Mickey just walks out the hospital and takes a cab home. Once he is home he goes straight into his bathroom and takes the longest shower he ever had.

Once he’s out of the shower, he looks at himself in the mirror and just punches it so hard that it cracks. He saw himself in the mirror and saw not only himself but three other people who were there with him.  He was exhausted and tired. The emotions running in him at this moment he just wanted to be alone and not be bothered by anyone outside the world. Mickey walks out of the bathroom and makes his way to his room where he just laid down on his bed and let his mind wander off as he closed his eyes to sleep.

Tomorrow was going to be new for him. He just wanted to finally be whole again. But his past wasn’t letting him. And now he had to face it and get his life back whether he wanted to or not. He had to try again.


	22. Waaaait...You wanna cook for Me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ps. If you guys didn't know I have been rewriting a few things and editing at the same time with each chapter. So I suggest you go back and read it again from the beginning if you want to. I will put up a new chapter but after I have finished editing the whole story. So enjoy guys.
> 
>  
> 
> So this chapter is what I like to call cute in a way. I think it needed start of Mickey seeing Ian and vice verse for Ian. Again I love your comments and kudos and thank you so much for reading this story it does mean a lot to me. Also enjoy it. If I have time this weekend I might be able to put another chapter maybe. xoxoxoxo Leave your comments for me. Again any mistakes are my own I dont have a beta so I'm sorry. I do try to go back and fix my mistakes when I can.

It had been about almost two week since everything happened. Dr. Jimenez was working with Mickey on a more invasive therapy. However no results from the hypnosis were working with Dr. Jimenez.  He kept to his schedule and mostly hung out with Mandy like he used to. He still wasn’t speaking to Collin but he would answer his text when he did text him. Whenever Mandy would go hang out with Debbie, Mickey would find other things to do. He didn’t think it would be right to go to Ian’s house where he lived with his sister. Especially since everything that happen with the hospital and Ian. Mickey would remind Ian of Nick of course and Mickey didn’t want to stay away, but he knew he had to. Mickey was happy that Ian was doing okay from what Mandy told him. He did sort of talk to Ian once or twice over the phone and Ian would send him text messages and Mickey found himself smiling at them. He would reply back saying “Don’t get shot asshole” and Ian would reply “lol” simple shit like that they sent to each other.

Mickey had eventually ended up calling Colt sometimes during the week. The mother fucker sent him a fucking banquet of flowers, chocolate and a fruit basket. Who the fuck does that anymore? He wanted to make Colt wait longer but at the time he needed his needs met. Mickey called Colt to talk to him for a while, and told him if he wanted he could come over so they can “talk in person” as he says. As soon as Colt came in the front door Mickey was on him. He hadn’t gotten laid in a while and that was because one Colt was an ass and two with everything happening he couldn’t, he didn’t find himself wanted to having sex so much. But today he was horny as fuck. He attacks Colt’s neck and starts to take off his clothes. He pounds into Colt over and over again and thought of someone else when he shouldn’t have as he was cumming hard inside of Colt. After he took off the condom and threw it away he went to the bathroom to clean off. He stood in the shower thinking of what just happened and how the fuck up everything seemed to be.

After a few days from Mickey and Colts reunion so to speak of sort of getting back with Colt; Colt started to become overbearing of Mickey and that was pissing him off. He didn’t need a babysitter. Not even Mandy did that shit because she knew he hate it. But with Colt, Mickey couldn’t even go out if he wanted to without Colt being there and watching his every move. He told Colt he can come over a few days ago so they can fuck and maybe patch shit up. But right now Mickey just wanted to leave the house and go somewhere. Anywhere but here right now.

All this thinking he got a little headache and decided to take a nap. Mickey was now laying down next to Colt in his bed and ended up falling asleep. Mickey was tossing and turning as he slept. He was having those dreams again and it’s like he’s remembering things again. Things that Nick did, stuff that he did. Colt was holding him close and placed Mickey head on his chest. Colt was combing his fingers through Mickeys’ hair and Mickey was relaxing from that gesture. He’s muttering something now as he was sleeping. Colt stops moving and listens to him. “Ian….Ian…Ian” was all that Mickey said and Colt became annoyed. He carefully removes Mickey off of him and gets off the bed quickly. Colt walks out of the room and left the door open. Just then Mickey jolts up “Ian!” He looks around the room and he notices that he is alone. He gets up from the bed and goes into his bathroom and washes his face. When he comes back to his room, Colt was there standing looking at him.

“You need to get some rest and relax Mick.” Colt says to Mickey

“Well I can’t…(Mickey huffed and looks at Colt) Look I know you love me okay. I get that, but you’re being to overprotective of me and I hate that shit. Whatever is driving my personality to be here, to be in my head, I have to figure it out? But you’re making it seems like you have to guard me and keep me lock up in my own home.” Mickey says to Colt.

“I can’t help but feel that you need to be protected. I feel I have to protect you from-.” Colt now says.

 

“From what? Myself? That’s not helping me. It’s only making Nick more stronger……Colt haven’t you learn by now that the more you keep denying Nick, the more he fights. Just the other days I felt like he was going to come out. I can feel him, he wants to get out and it’s getting harder. He getting stronger, and it gets harder for me to stay here…Every time I go to sleep I feel like I’m not going to wake up as me anymore.” Mickey tells Colt.

“Look….I’m just afraid that if I don’t watch you I’m going to lose you.” Colt says to Mickey.

“That is not your job Colt.  Being like this makes him stronger. Being all delicate with me and acting like I can’t even go to the fucking store or the mail box to get my mail without me breaking is making him stronger. It makes me feel like you can’t even trust that I can be on my own.” Mickey says to Colt who was upset now.

“Okay so what you’re saying is I help you when I’m here, but you’re also saying I make you weaker?” Colt says confused and frustrated.

“You’re not getting it are you. You know it’s a complicated fucking thing okay. He hates you, for some reason he does and he won’t let me know. I just can’t…. fuck Colt you're making shit harder yes okay.  I need you not to shield me from everything alright.” Mickey says to Colt.

“That’s not going to be easy for me to do Mickey, plus I just want you to focus on taking care of yourself okay. And figuring out how to get your divorce from Ian without any legal stuff or whatever. The sooner you’re divorced, the better I say okay.” Colt says to Mickey. They had talked about it and Ian and Mickey were speaking about it as well, but Colt didn’t need to know that little detail at all.

“No I’m not gonna kick back and let shit not get to me okay. I’m focused on me getting better I know that okay. Plus I signed the papers, whether I was Nick or not, I have to deal with this. Plus I talked to Ian and he said that he would give me the divorce as soon as the papers are drawn up okay. That shouldn’t concern you. This is my problem I have to deal with it.” Mickey says to Colt.

“Since when the fuck have you been talking to Ian? And Yes I have a fucking right to be concerned Mickey! I’m your boyfriend; Ian is no one okay…plus Nick isn’t real, so I don’t know why they can’t make it as an annulment type shit or something.” Colt says with so much heat behind his voice.

“Excuse fucking me!? (Mickey started to raise his voice) First of all we haven’t establish what we are yet again because you seemed to fucking forget that even though Nick hasn’t allowed me to remember a lot of my past there are things I remember over a year ago before Nick came out… Plus by the way, if you ever and I mean if you ever in your fucking life try to force yourself on me again I will kill you. I won’t need Nick for that.” Mickey’s voice was low and threatening now “You’re just fucking lucky I haven’t kicked your ass yet or that I haven’t told my brothers yet or Mandy. So don’t fucking think you’re off the hook! Just because you’re here with me and were fucking again; I’m not sure if I should fucking forgive you. Right now what I need is support from everyone, which I thought you were on board for.  Plus I can talk to whoever I fucking want! I have to talk to Ian about the papers and everything so FUCK YOU! Right now Colt you’re being overbearing and it’s pissing me off.” Mickey is livid at this point with Colt; and just stays there in silence as Mickey spoke to him.

“And another fucking thing while we’re on the subject of Nick; is that Nick is real. He is married to Ian, they had a life, and he loves him okay. He is a real person, he’s a part of me, and that makes him real. Why can’t you except that! Except the fact that I’m not just Mickey, but a part of me is someone else as well. Someone who’s different, but still me all the same.” Mickey says to Colt with so much heat behind his voice.

“No! No, no, no that wasn’t you Mick. That was a voice in your head and that wasn’t you okay. Nick is not real.” Colt says again to Mickey.

“You’re in fucking denial and I’m the one who should be in denial Colt….Colt look, you and everyone else needs to acknowledge that Nick is a person. He is not just a figment of my imagination okay.  You spoke to Nick, for fuck sakes he nearly killed you Colt. And as soon as you realize that, the better this will be. Iggy, and Mandy have come to the realization of it, and Collin just expected it all as well. Why can’t you.” Mickey says to Colt.

“Well Mickey if you think that, then we do have a problem.” Colt says snapping at Mickey.

“NICK IS REAL! For Fuck sacks admit it. I have….. You of all people who work in a hospital for fuck sacks should know this or some shit.” Mickey says to Colt and you can tell Mickey was just exhausted from this whole ordeal.

“No…. I can’t do that. I won’t do that.” Colt said standing his ground with Mickey.

Mickey just sighs and looks up at Colt as he speaks to him. “Colt…..You have to except it okay. Nick is real. If you want us to be together or start over; you have to accept him as being real. It will be easier okay, I went through weeks of therapy to fucking come to terms with this.” Mickey says to Colt.

“How-how…is this easy for you…But it can’t be easy Mick.  The moment I make him real, I know I can lose you….. Shit I lost you before. You said Nick is strong, we got that. But he can’t be real…not for me….He can’t be real. Why do you let him make himself strong then huh Mickey? Why?” When Mickey didn’t answer Colt question, Colt continues to talk. “You can’t answer the question can you? You know if I do acknowledge that he’s real… then you know what; what you and I have is dead.” Colt says to Mickey looking at him dead in his eyes.

Mickey looks at Colt like he was crazy; how could he say that? If he did love Mickey he would love him no matter what, he had to love all of Mickey not just the part he has now. Because whether Colt like it or not Nick was apart of Mickey, as well as his other alters. Mickey was not pissed off but hurt; how was someone who claimed to love you says that to you. They were dead really? Okay then.

“Well Colt…if you believe that then…..go. We’re already dead, and I don’t have time for this bullshit. Now excuse me and get the fuck out of my way, I’m going out and don’t fucking follow me.” Mickey says and just like that Colt left the apartment pissed off as he slams the door closed shut. Mandy heard the commotion and came to Mickey to see if he was alright. He said yeah and that he was going to the store to buy some food. She asked if he wanted company and he said no. Debbie and Mandy were in one of the rooms discussing god knows what. Mickey said Hi to her and she said hi back. It was weird at first his sister hanging out with his soon to be ex-sister in law, I mean how does that even happen. But Mickey could see why hanging out with Debbie was fun.

******************************************************************************

Mickey left his apartment and went to the store to grab a few things to make for dinner. He later came back home with bags full of groceries. It felt good to be out the house and not caged up like he was. Or have someone hovering over him 24/7. At the supermarket he didn’t know what he wanted to make but he was in the mood for something good and hot. So he bought a lot of stuff. Once he decided on something to make he was looking for his favorite pan to make lasagna in. Mickey was in the mood for anything pasta related at the moment. But he needed to find his damn pan to make something. Mickey was trying to reach up and get on of the pans from on top shelf; it looks like he is struggling because he was. Why or who the fuck thought it would be okay to put a damn pan up top all the way there is beyond him. He knows he didn’t do that. He was about to fall and that was when Ian walks in on him.

“Oh hey, hey here let me get that.” Ian says to Mickey who looks at him and is startled and jumps a little in surprise; he didn’t notice Ian. 

“Um, its Mickey sorry.” Mickey tells Ian in case he thinks he’s Nick. Even though he had talked to Ian like once or twice over the phone it was kind of awkward to be standing here with him…like physically.  What Mickey didn’t tell Colt was that Ian was actually being reluctant to sign the divorce papers. Mickey figured he was still trying to hold on to Nick; and Mickey just hopes Nick doesn’t come out now. In a way he felt like he didn’t want to push Ian, because Ian was the reason why they stopped the ECT on him. Maybe this was a way to thank him? Mickey thought. Not really, it just seems cruel to postpone the divorce, but the way Ian sounded over the phone, Mickey couldn’t do it, he didn’t want to force him. That argument with Colt got him really upset and he could feel Nick itching to come out and do something about it. But now that Ian was here, the feeling was stronger, but Mickey had to be stronger than Nick.

“Yeah I know… You’re who I came here to see. (Mickey has a surprise expression on his face) I’m sorry if I scared you. You looked like you needed some help and you know. Um Mandy let me in.” Ian says nervously to Mickey.

Mickey smiles and nods his head at Ian “Here let me get that.” Mickey tells Ian and his hands touch Ian’s “wow your hands are fucking freezing man. Is it that cold outside, I just came from outside and it wasn’t that cold.” Mickey asks Ian

Ian laughs a little at Mickeys’ small rant and smiles at him. “What? No man it’s actually freezing. I think there’s some storm coming in or some shit.” Ian says smiling at Mickey. And Mickey is mimicking his smile and laughs. “So this is a lot of pots and pans out huh.” Ian says trying his hardest to make conversation with Mickey.

“Yeah…I ah I want make myself a fucking lasagna or anything of some kind of pasta, but there’s this one certain pan I use all the time to make the meat in and I can’t fucking find it!” Mickey says and is walking towards the cabinet under the sink searching for it again.

Ian takes a glimpse at Mickey as he bends down but quickly moves his eyes elsewhere, and decides to speak. “Wow.  So you can fucking cook?” Ian says surprisingly.

“Yeah why? Nick didn’t?” Mickey says still turned around and not looking at Ian as he asked about Nick. Mickey secretly wanted to know more about Nick, but in a way he didn’t want to know about him.

Ian smiles and shakes his head. “Nooooo um he did…and when he did he would sometimes burn the food, but for some reason pancakes and eggs he knew how to do.” Ian says and laughs at the memory of Nick even burning toast. Who the fuck burns toast?

Mickey turns around with an amused face and shakes his head in disbelief. He’s actually a great cook, so why wasn’t Nick? “So what, when you guys lived together you did all the cooking or something?” Mickey asked curiously to Ian.

Ian smiles at Mickeys question. “He tried and set the kitchen on fire. It was hilarious I had no idea that chicken can be so burnt like that. He did try to boil eggs once.” Ian says with a smile still on his face.

Mickey smiles at Ians’ reaction and then says. “Let me guess he managed to fuck that up to; How?” Mickey asked in amusement.

Ian chuckles when he says “Y-yeah. Luckily I was there to make sure he didn’t burn the damn pot again. I had no idea that boiled eggs can combust if you leave them in there for too long. And apparently he didn’t either.” Ian laughs and so did Mickey. “Thank god there were some waffles so I made chocolate chip waffles with bacon and sausages and toast. He even managed to burn the toast. I still can’t get how he managed to do that.” Ian says to Mickey still smiling at the memory of him and Nick. Ian and Mickey were laughing at how bad Nick was in the kitchen, and it almost felt familiar being around Ian.

“Ohh man, okay now I’m even hungrier.” Mickey says and chuckles to himself

“Well do you want something fast or can you wait a little?” Ian says shyly to Mickey.

Mickey looks at Ian and smirks. “Why? You want to cook for me or something?” Mickey asked Ian.

Ian smiles and shrugs his shoulders and shyly looks at Mickey. “Maaaaaybe!” Ian says teasing Mickey a bit.

“Waaaait…You want to cook for me?” Mickey asked surprisingly teasing Ian a little.

“Well yeah, if you let me I can make you pancakes with bacon, which is fast or I can make you my special chicken penne Alfredo with vegetables.” Ian tells Mickey and he’s blushing at him.

Mickey finds him to be cute when he sees Ian blushing. He smiles at Ian and answers him. “Okay but ah I like my broccoli cut up if you’re going to do the chicken Alfredo thing.” Mickey says and is looking down on the floor and is blushing and smiling at Ian.

Ian sees Mickey is blushing slight and smiles and looks at Mickey while saying. “Okay coming right up, you’re on. Give me about a half an hours okay. You think you can hold out?” Ian asked Mickey.

Mickey nods his head yes to Ian and sits up on one of the counters and watches Ian cook. Ian prepares the chicken cutlets and dices them into cubs and then seasons them. He already put the water to boil for the pasta, so while that’s happening he also added a few spices to the water as it’s in the hot water not yet boiling. He goes back to the chicken and seasons it and puts it in the big pan and lets it cook, covering it with the top. Once the water starts to boil Ian adds the pasta in the water and lets it boil for a few minutes. As that is cooking Ian gets all the ingredients and starts to make the Alfredo sauces. Mickey was impressed with Ian seeing him cook like this.

Ian is constantly stirring the Alfredo sauce that he made from scratch, and is telling Mickey if you don’t constantly pay attention to the Alfredo sauce you can easily fuck it up. Mickey nods his head and just continues to watch Ian.  Ian gets out the vegetables and starts to cut up the carrots, and Broccoli like mickey requested and then he brings out the cauliflower. Once the pasta has boiled he takes a noodle out and tastes it for the consistency. He drains the water and adds the pasta with the chicken that is done and sets it at a low flame. He adds the Alfredo sauces to the big pot with the chicken and pasta in it, and then adds the vegetables. He stirs that food around making sure it combines all together and then covers the pot again leaving it to cook a little bit more longer. Ian then starts to clean up and wash a couple of dishes he used all the while checking the pasta. Once he’s done he goes and gets two plates from the cabinet and serves Mickey and him a plate of food.

“WOW that looks like something that came out of a fucking magazine; and shit you made it quick. There’s enough to feed like a whole family o something.” Mickey says to Ian.

“Well both our sister are here hanging out so yeah, and well you kind of have the whole multiply people thing going on so yeah.” Ian says making a funny face at Mickey trying to make a joke.

Mickey laughs “Oh My God you are corny, you know that. I can’t believe I’m laughing about my alters right now and that I didn’t punch for that.” Mickeys says to Ian teasing him.

“Yeah so…. you ready…let’s eat.” Ian says casually

Mickey goes and takes a bite of his food and his face lights up “Oh My God, this taste fucking good just as it looks man.” Mickey says surprisingly.

“Well thank you. I am flattered.” Ian says and blushes at Mickeys comment.

Mickey was still curious about Nick, so he went for it. “Did ah, did Nick likes this?” he asked softly to Ian

Ian looks up at Mickey in shock but quickly recovers. “What? You mean my cooking or my corny jokes and cute charm.” He grins at Mickey

Mickey smiles real quick then answer Ian. “All the above.” Mickey says as he’s eating.

Ian looks at Mickey and smiles before he answers him. “He was actually kind of picky.”

“What? Please don’t tell me he like ate oeuvres or some shit with Mushrooms, I hate mushrooms.” Mickey says with such passion so that Ian knew he hated mushrooms.

“Nah he was more of a ribs, and potatoes and burgers kinds of guy. He didn’t like vegetables at all and couldn’t stand broccoli.”  Ian says to Mickey and chuckles to himself as he remembers the first time he put broccoli on Nicks’ plate. Nick had just picked it up and threw it at him. Like literally, he threw it at him.

“Oh yeah, just like Mandy then; she a ribs and mash potatoes kind of girl, she can’t stand vegetables, but she will eat broccoli thought.” Mickey says shaking his head laughing at the information that was just told to him.

“Oh yeah, well I guess he is more like a Milkovich then he thought he was.” Ian says without thinking and Mickeys faces changes and he just frowns a bit.

Mickey takes a bite of his food and looks away from Ian now. He just shrugs his shoulders and speaks to Ian again. “It must have been a waste on your cooking skills then, him being picky and all the time,” Mickey says.

Ian just shakes his head before he answers Mickey. “Nah…he ah he eventually started trying new things. I had no idea what was going on at the time you know. I had no idea that I was actually watching a whole new personality; I just thought he was opening up; Discovering new things or something.” Ian says trailing off.

“Discovering what?” Mickey says and Ian stays quick and just looks at him and when he doesn’t say anything Mickey tells him “I want to know Ian tell me.”

“Life, and me in it.” Ian smiles at Mickey “You know it’s the most incredible thing to watch someone fall in love with you. Someone that you’re totally into….. (Ian smiles at the memories and looks at Mickey again) I’m sorry I just lost myself.” Ian says and looks down at his plate. Mickey looks away from Ian and his face is somewhere in between serious and sad. “I’m sorry. I know you don’t want to hear about Nick.”

“No…No I asked….and I …I want to know. It’s just hearing a nice guy that is you and hearing you talk about me, but who isn’t me, me. You guys have been together for a while, and you had this whole life I knew nothing about and I don’t know about…It’s like you know a part of me that. (He sighs) that’s like stripped, like it a dream that I have no idea about. Like an alternate universe of a different life. It’s just…confusing, and tiring all at the same time.” Mickey says and continues to eat his food.

Ian laughs “You think it’s confusing for you…hey look. I had this old friend who was in the marines with me right. He had dated a twin and they were identical, and he used to tell me that whenever he was around the sister that it was weird as fuck. He would tell me that she looked exactly like the woman he was in love with, but that they were completely different in every way. They looked the same but were just so different.” Ian says to Mickey.

“Ian I’m the same person…but I’m not in a way.” Mickey says and gets up from the table and turns and wipes his eyes. Fuck he’s been more emotional lately and he hates it. He rather be alone and not around anyone lately. His doctor said that he needs to try and fight the urge to just stay in bed and not doing anything. Depression she told him can be his worst enemy.

Ian gets up. “Hey-hey wait a minute Mickey I didn’t mean to make you upset okay.” Ian walks up to him from behind him and Mickey turns around and looks up at Ian.

“No, it’s just…Its been happening a lot lately” Mickey says nodding his head and looking away from Ian the best way he knows he can.

“Yeah well you know I hear that sometimes people with the same disorder can becomes depressed and have anxiety and also push other away. They try to make themselves isolated even.” Ian says to Mickey. 

And Mickey is surprised that Ian even looked up anything. “Yeah? You read up on multiple personality disorder huh….I just hate dealing with stupid emotions and for some reason, I have a lot of them.” Mickey says to Ian

“Yeah well, you and Nick both…You guys are a lot more alike than you think Mickey.” Ian says to Mickey.

With those words, Mickey becomes scared and he needs to leave this house. It’s not Ian but it’s what he said that scares him. Him and Nick alike? How? They were different, weren’t they? “Um, I have to go. I promise myself I would work on this car. I’ve been ordering parts for it. So it’s waiting for me. Thanks for the food. I really liked it; plus there’s extra, so I’ll enjoy more of it when I get back.” Mickey says and just before Ian can say anything he’s out the door.

Fuck. Ian thinks to himself. How did he say the wrong thing? He goes to put away the food and finish off the rest of the dishes he used when he hears a familiar voice from behind him

“Ian”? Collin says as he saw Ian doing the dishes and putting things away. “What are you doing here?” He asked Ian

“I actually came over here to see Mickey. I made him some food and we ate, and I didn’t want to leave the dishes, so I’m cleaning them up and putting the rest of the food away.” Ian says simply to Collin.

“Oh…and ah where is Mickey now?” Collin asked curiously.

“Oh, he said he needed to go to the garage I’m assuming. Something about messing with a car he’s been working on.” Ian says still not looking at Collin.

Collin enters the kitchen now. “You just let him go? What the hell Ian!” Collin says and Ian looks up at him now.

“Look I’m in no position to tell him no okay. Plus I didn’t see anything wrong with him wanted to work on a car. I mean he does run a shop.” Ian says sarcastically to Collin

“Were you sure he wasn’t Nick when he left or anyone else?” Collin asks quickly then regretted it when he saw Ian’s face fall.

“No….No he was Mickey,” Ian says and turns to put the rest of the dishes away.

“Sorry. Look I can finish cleaning up okay. Why don’t you head out I can finish this off.”  Collin says to Ian gesturing to the rest of the dishes in the sink.

“Nah Debs here and I’m just waiting for her because she said if I left her without giving her a ride she would kick me the balls. And then Mandy agreed while laughing at it.” Ian says shaking his head and internally laughing at his sister.

“God our sisters are devils,” Collin says and laughed looking at Ian.

“Oh yeah, they are,” Ian says and smiles down what he was doing.

Collin is looking at Ian and before he goes to leave the kitchen he speaks “Hey I just wanted to thank you.” Collin says to Ian

Ian looks up at Collins and gives him a questionable look. “For what?” Ian asked him

“For stopping the whole ECT thing…I wasn’t thinking straight and talking to Nick and…look I just wanted to tell you thank you okay. I know my brother didn’t want that and I had no right to go against his wishes. SO thank you.” Collin says to Ian.

Ian shakes his head and gives Collin a smirk. “No need to thank me. I just didn’t want him to go through that. Plus when Mandy told me what was happening; I felt I had no choice but to make sure Mickey was okay and protect him and Nick.” Ian says and goes back to wiping down the dishes.

Collin nods his head silently and leaves the kitchen without saying a word to Ian. Because deep down inside he was thankful that Ian was able to stop the decision he made.

____________________________________________________________________________________

Mickey was at the garaged working on his car when he heard someone come in. He looks up to see it was Iggy coming towards him.

“Hey, baby bro, what you doing here?” Iggy says coming towards him putting on his overalls.

“Just fucking around with the 67 Impala, I finally got the parts in for the engine and tires I just put on,” Mickey says wiping his hands

“Yeah, I see…She gonna be beautiful when you’re done with her man.” Iggy said admiring his brothers’ work. Before Mickey disappeared he was working on this car and it’s like he never left it.

“Yeah,” Mickey says and then looks away. That was when Iggy sense there was something going on with his baby brothers.

“You okay bro…wanna talk about it.” Iggy asked Mickey leaning against another car taking out a cigarette and lighting it up.

“Nah I’m fine,” Mickey says then turns to Iggy who gives him a questionable look. “I’m fine okay.”

“You sure because I know you’ve been down lately man. With the intense therapy and with the new alter you had and Nick trying to come back out and then…You know you can talk to me about anything right.” Iggy says to his brother; when Mickey didn’t say anything Iggy felt he should lighten the mood. “I mean even about sex if you want; I mean that’s not my cup of tea, but I can still talk about it. You know that shit doesn’t faze me, man.” Iggy says to Mickey who looks up at him with a face of ‘what the fuck and are you serious right now!’

Iggy laughs at Mickey’s expression and Mickey laughs at Iggy trying to make a joke. The truth was he did need someone to talk to, someone who might just understand. “I don’t know Ig’s it’s just…You can’t just push away feelings. Sometimes love just isn’t enough, and sometimes people need a change and realized that, well they were different all along.” Mickey says while picking at his nails

“Okay baby bro…Soooo who are we talking about now? Is this about Ian? I know you have been him around him and been trying to talking to him for Nicks sack, but are you falling for him?” Iggy asked

Mickey snaps his head up and looks at Iggy. “What no! NO Iggy okay. I’ve talked to him a couple of times over the phone, and before when I went to his place and you knew about that. (Mickey looks back down at his hands) And yes only you know about that Iggy, so don’t fucking tell Mandy. I didn’t even tell her that me and him have been texting each other. But it’s like harmless friendly texting okay. So keep your mouth shut….Plus I’m with Colt or I don’t know what the fuck we are anymore… I just don’t know okay.” Mickey says again still not looking at Iggy.

“Don’t know what?” Iggy asked Mickey curiously.

“I don’t know if I can deal with it all. Colt hates Ian for being with Nick and Nick hates Colt. I kinda have a feeling why he does. But when I talk to Ian or when he’s around I feel different. I feel more safe and it’s weird because he treats me like a normal person. He treats Nick like a normal person and what gets me is that Colt acts like Nicks not real. He fucking thinks that I’m too fucking fragile. I meanwhile he was the reason Nick came back out again when he…..fuck forget man. Ian doesn’t look at me like I’m fragile, he talks to me like I’m me. He’s honest and blunt and I don’t know Iggy. I don’t know what the fuck to do anymore.” Mickey says to his brother.

Iggy wanted to ask Mickey what he meant by Colt was the reason Nick came out but that’s for another time to ask. Right now his baby brother needed help. “Well, baby bro… you know you’re my favorite siblings right.” Iggy tells Mickey

Mickey laughs and looks at his brother “thanks, Iggy. I really needed that; to feel like that again you know…the way it was before. Before all this shit came crashing down, and shit got crazy and fucked up.” Mickey says smiling at his brother.

“Look, Mickey, I don’t normally do this kind of talks with you, but when I do you know why I do…Just worry about yourself, worry about getting better, about being you again…. And Mickey, Love who you want to love, whoever that is Mick. Be who you want to be. Fuck everyone else and if anyone has a problem with that they can come talk to me.” Iggy says and pats his brother on the back. Mickey sits back on top of the hood of the car and thinks about what Iggy just said to him. His brother was right, and he knew he was.

A half an hour later Mickey cleans up shop and heads to the office to tell Iggy he’s going to lock the garage up and head home. When Mickey gets home he surprised to see Ian still at his apartment and is reading a motorcycle magazine. Ian looks up and noticed Mickey was back. “Hey…I didn’t know you would still be here”

“Mickey! Hey, I was just reading your magazine; I’m waiting on Debbie she said her and Mandy should be finished up with whatever the fuck they're doing.” Ian says putting the magazine back where it was at in the sala. Ian can see Mickey looks nervous so he asked him a simple harmless question “What’s the matter?”

"Nothing I just came back from trying to fix up this car that I have and the fucking pieces are hard to come by and it’s like….” Mickey trails off trying not to babble on too much on what he’s feeling right now.

However Ian being Ian, he catches on to what Mickey is saying “Like your fixing something that was broken. Trying to make it brand new again.” Ian says to Mickey.

That simple little sentence, makes Mickey smile a little bit. “Yeah…I can’t you know…I feel like I can’t do nothing right like somehow I’m going to fuck it up.” Mickey says walking more into the sala and pouring himself a cup of whiskey and drinking it.

Ian stands up from the sofa and walks towards Mickey. “Hey it’s alright Mick,” Ian says and Mickey turns around to face Ian. That was the first time Ian has ever said his Name like that, but his emotions are taking over right now at this moment.

“No, it’s not Ian! It’s not okay! It’s not okay for me, or for my brothers and sister! It’s not okay for you….and I’m so sorry.” Mickey says and his eyes are glassy and he’s holding back his emotions or at least is trying.

“Mickey you don’t have to be sorry about anything, why would think that?” Ian asked him.

“I’m sorry because I’m here Ian…And you can’t be with the person you love.” Mickey says to him and Mickey looks like he’s going to break down and that was when Ian went for it. Ian just hugs Mickey tight, close to him and Mickey held him back. It felt good to be in someone arms who didn’t think of him as this fragile person, someone who took the time out to just hug him and not saying anything but just listen to him.

What they didn’t know was that Colt had come in and walked in on both of them seeing the display of affection. He clears his throat loud enough for both men to look up at him. Ian still had his arms around Mickey and Mickey had one arm around Ian still. “Colt? I thought you left.” Mickey says walking toward the doors in the sala.

“Yeah I did, I figured we could talk more, but I can see you have company,” Colt says and Ian and Mickey didn’t miss the cold remark behind his voice.

“Yeah well, my sister here so I’m waiting for her, plus Mandy let me in. You wanna say ‘Hi” to Mandy?” Ian says looking at Colt like he wanted to kill him. Mandy may have slipped out and told Ian and Debbie what Colt said to Mickey and how they got into an argument.

“Fuck You!” Colt hisses out at Ian.

That was when Ian got in his face and smiles at him and laughs. “Eeehhh Yeah, no sorry. You’re not my type.” He turns around and looks at Mickey and gives him a wink. Ian then looks back at Colt and says. “See I like them short, muscled built if you will, dark black hair, beautiful ocean eyes, pale skin, tattoo knuckles, with sexy lips and an attitude that anyone would die for.” Ian says to Colt looks him up and down and says again “And you’re neither of that.” Ian just smiles walks away and goes to find Debbie to see if she ready to go.

“So, you bring the husband around after I leave huh,” Colt says not moving from his spot at the door.

Mickey looks at Colt like he was crazy. “You serious right? You know what Colt if you came here to fight, I’m not really one for it okay. Ian’s here to get Debbie.” Mickey says to him

“So you two hugging was what?” Colt says with an attitude towards Mickey.

“Us two hugging was just that; hugging okay. I got upset and he hugged me simply as that.” Mickey says snapping back at Colt.

Colt Rolls his eyes at Mickey. “Yeah okay, whatever you say, Mickey,” Colt says annoyingly

“Again why are you here… you left. Figured you were done with me; being that I’m crazy and all and you can’t help but face the truth of that.” Mickey says Colt sarcastically.

“I wanted to talk, I didn’t want to leave things like the way I did okay. I’m sorry.” Colt says trying to sound sympathetic.

Mickey looks at Colt like he was stupid and shakes his head. “No okay. I’m tired and Ima go to bed. I just got back from the garage so I’m wiped out. Plus I got therapy in the morning. I honestly don’t want to fight Colt or deal with your shit right now okay!” Mickey says and walks out to his bedroom. Colt doesn’t follow him instead he leaves and text Mickey when he’s ready to see him to call him. Mickey looks at the text message and rolls his eyes and just goes right to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo guys how was this chapter. It was some what of a filler I think. Also the food Ian made was something my titi showed me how to make.


	23. Integrations A b*tch!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I took a bit long on this but person things happen so I'm here to give you the next chapter. Again there may be some triggers so please be advice before you read. In addition to that I don't have a beta so all mistakes are mine and I do apologize. I want to thank you guys for reading of course and for your comments and kudos. I do appreciate them. Let me know what you think of this chapter okay.

It’s been 2 1/2 weeks since Mickey and Dr. Jimenez tried hypnosis on Mickey, The outcome of that turned out to be not so great, well from Mickey's viewpoint anyways. Mickey felt like he wasn’t responding well to the hypnosis at all, and he was more upset than anything. Dr. Jimenez was able to teach Mickey a few techniques on how to try and calm himself down. The hypnosis was working however it would only reveal certain memories that Mickey would remember.  For instance like his dad hitting him or fighting with Iggy and Collin. There was No Nick still and he couldn’t get past this brick wall he said he kept seeing while he was under hypnosis. Charlene thought that maybe he would be more comfortable at home doing therapy, so she suggested they try a session at his home with the support of his brothers and sister.

 

 

Mickeys mind is racing as he is shaking his leg and waiting for Charlene to get to his apartment. She was going to do his hypnosis at his house and he was already nervous about what will happen. Despite Mandy’s protest Mickey called Colt and asked him to be here today. Colt ended up getting there earlier than everyone else and was still apologizing for what happened a few weeks ago to Mickey over and over again.  He made up for it in sex obviously when Mickey stripped him down and fucked him. It wasn’t the most healthy thing, but it helped to distract him in a way and he was okay with that.

 

 

So now they were all here, all except one more person he was waiting for. Collin, Leah, Iggy, Mandy, and Colt were with him waiting for Charlene when there was a knock on the door. Colt went to get it and Mandy was right behind him. He didn’t expect to see the person he was staring at when he opened the door.

 

 

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Colt says with an attitude towards Ian.

 

 

“I was invited, and I’m here for support asshole.” Ian snaps back at Colt. Mandy just smiles and nods her head at Ian who smiles at her. Mandy had been talking to both redheads and she had to admit she like Ian, now if only fate would put Mickey and him together it would be good. Perfect actually. That was when Mickey came from behind Colt and spoke.

 

 

“I told him he can come.” Mickey says and Colt looks at him like he was crazy “I talk to Charlene and she said it would be best to have Ian here just in case Nick comes out again. Ian can handle Nick, and knows him more better than anyone here.” Mickey says to Colt. Colt looks pissed off and walks away from the door not saying anything. Mickey turns to Ian and made a small smile on his face “Thanks for coming.” He says.

 

 

Ian Mimics Mickeys smile. “No problem.” Ian simply says and just then Charlene is at the door observing what was going on and was in just on time as always.  They all walked in through the double doors to the sala and Mickey sat down on the sofa.

 

 

“Hey, Mickey Are you ready?” Dr. Jimenez asked Mickey

 

 

Mickey is jumpy and answers Dr. Jimenez “Yeah, yeah I’m ready.” He says to her. She then turns around and looks at the people in the room “Okay I’m going to have to ask you all to leave the living rooms so I can start my session with Mickey.” Dr. Jimenez said to the group.

 

 

Mandy speaks up then. “Well, we were wondering if we could be in here when it’s happening.”

 

 

Charlene looks at Mickey for approval and he nods yes to her for them to stay. “No yeah, it’s fine Dr. Jimenez. I want my siblings here with me.” Mickey says to her.

 

 

“Okay but I’m going to have to ask you guys to stay behind Mickey when he is on the sofa so that way you don’t distract him okay.” She says and Ian, Leah, and Colt left the room and went out to the dining room to stay. Mickey just wanted his siblings so they had to respect his wishes.

 

 

Mickey sits down on the chair and Charlene sit right in front of him on top of the ottoman while Mandy, Iggy, and Collin stay behind him to the far right of the sala. “Mickey, all you need to know is that inside you are okay. So allow your mind to go into a safe place. And when you’re ready to start; I want you to count backward from 10.”

 

 

Mickey sighs and closes his eyes and relaxes his breathing; he found his happy place. He then starts to count “10…9…8…7…6…5...4…3…2..1”

 

 

“Can you tell me your full name?” Dr. Jimenez asked Mickey.

 

 

“Mikhailo Alexis Milkovich.” Mickey simply says.

 

 

“Can you remember when you were a little boy?” Dr. Jimenez ask him

 

 

“Yes,” he answered to her.

 

 

“Where you a happy child Mickey?” Dr. Jimenez asked him.

 

 

“No, not always. I don’t remember much, but when I was with Mandy or Iggy I was happy.” Mickey said.

 

 

“Can you describe what you see Mickey when you were happy with them?” Dr. Jimenez says

 

 

Mickey smiles still with his eyes closed. “I was 4 years old and my 5th birthday was coming up…Mandy made me this card and she put confetti in it so it got all over me.  She put twenty bucks inside and said it was from her and my brothers. Collin and Iggy came in and hugged me and Mandy gave me a kiss on my head. They told me they loved me.” Mickey says and smiles as he is seeing his memories again.

 

 

“Now can you tell me about a time when you weren’t happy Mickey?” Mickeys face changes and he frowns. “what do you see now Mickey?” Dr. Jimenez asks him.

 

 

_There’s heavy smoke around the house. Mickey sees his dad and his friends and they're paying a card game and drinking. He doesn’t like how his father is looking at him so he runs to his sisters’ room, but the doors lock. He knocks on the door but she doesn’t answer him. He then goes to Collins room, but Collin kicks him out because he was upset their father hit him again. He walks out of Collins room and Mickey sees Terry walking towards him and he hears his friends laughing._

 

 

“Mickey what do you see?....Mickey, I want you to tell me what you’re seeing right now.” Dr. Jimenez askes Mickey again but is a little more forcefully. She didn’t want Mickey to get lost in his memories, she needs him to confront and remember.

 

 

“It’s Smokey in the house…I’m walking around the house. I woke up from a bad dream…Dad has his friends over and their drinking and smoking….I want to go to Mandy and be with her, but Mandy won’t let me in the room she was upset at me because I got her in trouble…. I didn’t mean to… Iggy isn’t home and Collin told me to leave his room because he was upset. Dad hit him and I see his face is bruised so I left his room when he yelled at me to leave. Dad told me to move out the way as he came towards me. Then he grabbed me but”

 

“But what Mickey?” Dr. Jimenez asked him.

 

“I don’t know it goes black I don’t see anything,” Mickey said with a confused facial expression.

 

“Look again Mickey it’s there. I need you to look past it. It’s all there if you just look.” Dr. Jimenez tells him.

 

_“Come, Mickey, come sit with your old man and his friend boy.” Terry says to him “No. I’m not Mickey, I’m Nick!”_

“What’s going on Mickey?” Dr. Charlene asked again to Mickey who has gone quiet.

 

 

Just then Mickey opens his eyes and smirks at the Doctor. “The names Nick Doc…just like I told that no good for nothing asshole of a man.” Nick said to Dr. Jimenez.

 

Dr. Jimenez knew this would happen; is all part of the process of integration. So she expected Nick to come out. “What guy Nick? What happened Nick? What did Mickey remember?” Dr. Jimenez asked Nick.

 

 

“I’m not gonna tell you nothing Doc, but it’s been nice knowing yah!” Nick says and gets up from the sofa and goes to the double doors. He pulls on it, but its lock. “What the fuck is wrong with these doors.” He says to himself and then turns around and looks at Dr. Jimenez “Can you let me the fuck out?”

 

 

“No Nick, I’m afraid I can’t do that.” Dr. Jimenez tells him

 

 

Nick looks back and forth at Dr. Jimenez and then at Mandy, Iggy and Collin. “What!? Am I a fucking prisoner or some shit! … Listen I’m not a kid okay I have my own Life with someone I love. I want to see Ian, where is he? What the fuck did you do to him?” Nick shouts and looks at Mandy, Iggy, and Collin for answers but turns around when Dr. Jimenez speaks to him again.

 

“Let’s take it one step at a time Nick; how about we finish talking.” Dr. Jimenez tells him but Nick isn’t having any of that.

 

“NO! I want to see Ian! Where is he? I ain’t saying shit to you or anyone else!” Nick says again and turns around to bangs on the door. “IAN! Ian where the fuck are you!” Nick turns around to look at everyone in the room. “Fuck… where is he.” Nick says again and turns away trying to pull the door open again.

 

“Nick, look at me…Nick please, look at me!” Dr. Jimenez says to Nick. Nick turns around and looks at her. “I want to get to know you. I need to understand you, Nick, for Mickey's sack, please….Your job is to protect him, so I want to know you; know the man who protects him.” She simply says to Nick.

 

Nick looks at her and thinks it over and the nods his head “Okay fine… if I answer your stupid question will promise me you let me see Ian.” Nick says to her crossing his arms across his chest.

 

“I can’t make any promises Nick, but I can assure you that I can help you and make your problems go away.” Dr. Jimenez tells him

 

Nick shakes his and walks away from her and pours himself a cup of scotch. He drinks it in all in one shot. He takes another shot of scotch and then turns around and says. “Help me huh…Yeah, more like fucking disappear; because this isn’t exactly the fucking meeting of the ‘I love Nick club.’ Here now is it? So where is IAN!? All they want is Mickey, not me! They prefer him!” Nick says while pointing to Mickey’s siblings.

 

“I don’t prefer anyone Nick…But I’ve heard Mickey story, so now I want to hear what you have to say. I want to hear your side of the story Nick.” Dr. Jimenez says to him trying to calm him down.

 

For some reason, Nick listens to her. He thinks if he answers her stupid question she will let him see Ian or at least speak to him. “Fine…fine if it will get me back to Ian then okay fine,” Nick says and walks back to the sofa and sits down.  “Let’s get this over with,” Nick says while gesturing his hands in the air.

 

 

“Okay well, Mickey told me about something that happened to him when he was very young. Where you there with him?” Dr. Jimenez asked Nick

 

 

“Was I there with him….hmm! Well, of course, I was there, wasn’t I?” Nick says sarcastically not looking at her at first but then his eyes lands on her and he smirks again.

 

“Where you?…Was that the first time Mickey said your name out loud?” Dr. Jimenez asked Nick.

 

 

“Yeah, I guess, in a way,” Nick said casually not really caring to answer these questions. He still wasn’t going to tell her everything, but if doing this gets him to see Ian then he will give her little bits of information to satisfy the good old doc.

 

 

“Was that your first memory Nick?” Dr. Jimenez asked Nick.

 

 

Nick sits up and looks away from her for a second. He then looks back at her again. Dr. Jimenez can tell he’s uncomfortable when he speaks “Maybe.”

 

 

“Nick you took care of something that Mickey couldn’t take care of didn’t you.” Dr. Jimenez states more to Nick rather than asking him.

 

Nick chuckles and sucks his teeth. “Well, Mickey is a loser who couldn’t even take care of a fucking goldfish if you asked him to. SO yeah! I guess I did and still have to take care of things.” Nick said with an attitude.

 

“And that night what was it you took care of? Do you remember?”  Dr. Jimenez asked Nick.

 

Nick smirks first at Dr. Jimenez and said. “Like it was yesterday Doc,” Nick said and smiles at Dr. Jimenez. “See doc I have the memories…I have all of the memories. It’s like a fucking steal trap up here.” Nick said pointing to head and continues to speak. “I remember things that Mickey doesn’t remember, or doesn’t like to want to remember.” Nick puts his legs over the sofa and is playing with a string now.

 

“Do you have any problems telling me what specific memories you have back in that house? As smokey as it was with your father there with his friends and all?” Dr. Jimenez asked Nick.

 

 

“Yyyyuup!” Nick says and smirks again at Dr. Jimenez.

 

 

“Could you try and talk about it with me?” Dr. Jimenez asks

 

 

Nick looks at Dr. Jimenez and smiles at her. He leans in and says. “Yeah sure, why not doc…hmmmm, look at you” He sits up from his seat more and moves more towards Dr. Jimenez. He then plays with her collar and is smiling at her as he speaks to her seductively “You dying to know of my existence aren’t you Doc?” He then whispers in her ear “I don’t only fuck guys you know…I like it when a woman has power too. You know, like you can take control of me.” He chuckles and leans a little back so that he’s facing her face to face, smiling at her and licking his lips at her.

 

 

Dr. Jimenez is not amused at all by Nicks’ tactics. “You agreed to talk about it Nick, you said you would.” Dr. Jimenez says ignore Nick’s tactics.

 

 

“But I didn’t agree to talk to you did I?” Nick said and smiles at her again.

 

 

Dr. Jimenez raises her eyebrows up at Nick and shakes her head slightly. “No…no you didn’t,” Dr. Jimenez said

 

Nick leans back a bit and speaks. “So why should I talk to you,” Nick said while he gets up from where he was sitting at and goes to try to open the double doors again.

 

 

Dr. Jimenez stands up quickly and at the same time and says to Nick. “Nick! Sit down!” She demanded.

 

 

Nick turns around and looks at her like she was crazy “You must be out of your fucking mind.” Nick said to Dr. Jimenez, looking at her like she has lost it. Nick walks over towards Dr, Jimenez and sizes her up. “I don’t think so bitch. You see I’m holding all the cards here okay. So either you fuckers get Ian over here where I can see him or it’s over.”

 

 

“You’re wrong Nick; you’re not holding all the cards,” Collin said calmly now cutting in on the session. Dr. Jimenez wants to protest the interruption but she wants to see the interaction hoping it will do some good. Mickeys siblings are his support, so them being here is a good thing.

 

 

“You tryin to fuckin threatening me?” Nick asked Collin walking towards him now.

 

 

“No bro. You see Mickey agreed to this session okay. It was Mickey’s decision to do this, not yours.” Collin said to Nick.

 

 

“Well, Mickey’s an idiot.” Nick spat out.

 

 

“Attacking him is not the way Nick.” Dr. Jimenez now says cutting in.

 

 

“Well sorry to tell you dumbasses, but Mickey has you all fooled,” Nick said to the crowd in the room

 

 

“Why would Mickey do that?” Dr. Jimenez asked Nick.

 

 

“Well do you really think he let me out for the fucking interest in medical science? God, you guys are fuckin stupid. He let me out for the selfish reason.” Nick said.

 

 

“Now what selfish reason would that be Nick?” Dr. Jimenez asked Nick   

 

 

“And what selfish reason would that be Nick” Nick mimic Dr. Jimenez and then continues to talk. “Because he wants to get down to the bottom of his deep dark secret,” Nick said as a matter of fact.

 

 

“That’s a good idea.” Collin said.

 

 

Nick tilts his head to the side and squints his eyes at Collin and speaks to him. “You almost sound like you meant that.”

 

 

“I do Nick if that means it will help Mickey.” Collin said to Nick.

 

 

Nick rolls his eyes at Collin. “Well, Mick isn’t the only one who has a stack in this okay. And since Mickey doesn’t know the secret I guess I’m holding all the cards, aren’t I.” Nick said smiling at Collin and everyone else with his arms crossed over his chest.

 

 

“We know what happened to him, we can easily tell him.” Collin said now and is frustrated.

 

 

Nick chuckles and starts to walk around the sala like it was nothing while he speaks. “You do that and I stay here forever and you lose your precious Mickey… Besides, like I said you don’t know shit! You only know what you think you know. But I guarantee you, that if you did know; it would make your sick!” Nick said to Collin. Nick goes up to Collin and smiles at him wanting to taunt him “especially You considering that this is kind of your fault! I mean you did say you always promise mommy dearest that you would protect little Mickey. But you failed and because I protected!” Nick said and turns away from Collin.

 

 

“Mickey knows there’s a secret Nick.” Dr. Jimenez said to him

 

 

“Yeah well see I ain’t gonna stroll my ass down memory lane unless I speak to Ian or see him,” Nick said again. This time he wasn’t playing games. It was time for them to negotiate; if they wanted information from him, then they had to give him something in return.

 

 

“Well you know your brothers and sister” Dr. Jimenez starts to say but Nick cuts her off.

 

 

“No-no-no-no-no-no. They ain’t my siblings okay, and they have no rights over me.” Nick argues to Dr. Jimenez.

 

 

“Well, Nick you see you’re not in control here. You can’t make demands like this” Dr. Jimenez tells him.

 

 

“Oh I ain’t demanding anything; I’m just tellin you the truth Doc. Unless I see Ian, I ain’t saying shit, and you know I will do it too.  I will take whatever secrets me and Mick got and bury them.” Nick said with a cold hard face.

 

 

That was when Mandy took the initiative to open the doors from the sala and go get Ian. If it meant that some progress can be done today that would help Nick open up about what happened to Mickey all those years ago, then so be it. This was becoming overwhelming really fast. As soon as the doors were open again, Ian walks through the door. Nick turns around to see Ian at the door and runs up to him kissing him fiercely hard. Their kiss seems like a lifetime ago and Ian was holding Nick close to him for dear life and Nick was doing the same.

 

 

Once they broke the kiss they were both breathless. Ian puts his forehead and Nicks together and smiles at him. “Hi!” Ian said with a smile and Nick says “Hey” and smiles back at Ian. Meanwhile, Mandy smiles at the love she saw her brother and new friend have. It was romantic, almost like a Romeo and Juliet kind of thing, except who would be Juliet Mandy thought to herself real quick but brushed that thought away from her mind.

 

 

Mandy sees Colt now entering the sala. He looks pissed off and annoyed at seeing Mickey and Ian together. Granted Mandy wanted her brother back and wanted him healthy again, but seeing that kind of love; she didn’t know why, but it was nice. Who were they to step in the way of them, even if Nick was Mickey, she wondered if they had any right to take something like this away from them. At least her brother got someone to love him she thinks to herself. Mandy sees Collin glaring at her. Iggy, she couldn’t read his facial expression but he just looks away just as Nick and Ian start kissing again.

 

 

“I missed you so fucking much,” Ian said to Nick. Nick just kisses Ian and held on to him “I’m never leaving you again.” Nick said back to Ian. The display of love was pretty intense and it was like they were in there own world; where they didn’t care no one was around them. They were speaking softly to each other that you can barely hear them, but they were smiling at each other with such love. But that was only until they heard someone clear there throat to get both of their attention. Nick and Ian both turn around to the person doing it.

 

 

It was Colt and he was standing in front of the double doors. “So what, you guys bargain with him to see Ian and now what? He gets to tell you what happened to Mickey?” Colt asked annoyingly at everything.

 

 

“Well Dick breath, it didn’t happen to Mickey it happened to me. HE bailed and let me handle the situation all by myself. If he knew what really happened he’d take a hike permanently.” Nick snaps out at Colt because he didn’t know shit.

 

 

“Oh is that what you’re so worried about huh?” Colt says at Nick mocking him now. Everyone in the room can see how Nick tenses up and is pissed off. Ian has to hold Nick back from attacking Colt now. Even the Milkovich siblings tense up and the room’s atmosphere definitely changed.

 

 

“Yes! Of course, he is.” And with that statement, everyone looks back at Dr. Jimenez as she spoke. “The whole purpose of an alter is to protect the host. That’s what Nick has always done for Mickey. He’s his protector.” Dr. Jimenez states and then turns to look at Nick now. “Aren’t you Nick?” Dr. Jimenez asked Nick still looking at him as he nods his head slightly but no one saw but her and Ian.

 

 

“You can’t be serious?” Colt spat out to Dr. Jimenez.

 

 

Dr. Charlene Jimenez looks at Colt and shakes her head wondering how selfish can one person be? “Oh I know it’s true. I’m the expert  _remember_! (She says to Colt and sees Nick smiling at her as she answers Colt) The problem is, that in some cases an alter will do things that are not in the best interest of the hosts' personality.” Dr. Jimenez says now. She was a professional, but she was getting annoyed at Colt. If he didn’t have the degree or qualification as she did, then he should shut the fuck up.

 

 

“Oh well you can trust me; Mickey doesn’t want to know what happened to him,” Nick said.

 

 

“And you’re so sure what Mickey wants.” Collin now says sarcastically at Nick rolling his eyes at him.

 

 

Nick just shrugs his shoulders at Collin. “Believe me or not. But it will give him just the right push over the edge. So yeah I know what he wants.”  Nick said confidently to Collin.

 

 

“Look Nick, all this happened when Mickey was a child, he’s an adult now. You have to come together.” Dr. Jimenez says to Nick trying to reason with him. “And Nick, again you won’t disappear. I know that’s what you’re fearing, but it won’t happen like that.” She adds

 

 

“Yeah well nah. See I don’t want to be integrated.” Nick says “Plus maybe I won’t disappear, but I will end up with that fucker there.” Nick says pointing Colt “And you know what, that ain’t fucking happening okay. I ain’t gonna lose my identity and end up with him! And I’m sure as fucking hell ain’t gonna lose Ian either.” Nick snaps out.

 

 

“Look, Nick, your family doesn’t want you gone. I know what alters do, there are many of them, different from you. But they’re created for a reason because they’re not able to handle the whole picture on their own and you know this..” Dr. Jimenez says to Nick.

 

 

“That’s not true,” Nick said quickly.

 

 

“Your family doesn’t want you gone okay. They know that you’re a part of Mickey, they just don’t want you in control because they know when you’re in control you do things that can be reckless. Things that can hurt Mickey and we know you protect him, just like he protects you.” Dr. Jimenez said to Nick.

 

 

“Mickey didn’t protect me okay; he didn’t save my life I saved his!” Nick said firmly to her.

 

 

“And we're grateful for that Nick.” Collin said now to Nick. Nick turns and sees Mandy and Iggy nodding their heads in agreement.

 

 

“You don’t mean that shit.” Nick said and turns around to walk towards the window. Ian just watches him in silence. He knows Nick needs his space; he does that every time he’s upset, he’ll go the window and stare outside for hours if you let him when he was upset. But now Nick holds his hand out for Ian so Ian takes it without hesitation.

 

 

Collin walks to his brother and speaks to him. “You know I was wondering the other day about when Mickey, he was a kid right; you had to be about what 6 or 7 years old maybe. And you were jumping from the table to couch like you were trying to fly or something. Collin said and continues on talking as he was remembering. “You looked like you were going to hurt yourself. I told you to stop before dad saw you, and you looked at me and gave me a face and cross your arms and stuck your chin out and said ‘fuck him’ (Nick turns around and had an irritated look on his face) that right there was the same face” Collin said pointing to Nick. “That was you wasn’t it?” Collin asked Nick.

 

 

Nick looks at Collin with glassy eyes and chuckles “Well Terry sure as hell never like it when we tried to play and be happy.” Nick simply said but bitterly as well. Terry was a hard subject for them all, but Nick more than anything.

 

 

“Look Nick…I love you okay. You’re my brother and it took me some time to understand that, but I do know that I love you so much. I love you because you can be an ass, you’re funny when you want to be, and most importantly you took the pain that Mickey couldn’t handle.  That pain is still with you I know it is. I might not know what it was like to feel exactly what you felt or handle what you did handle, but I know Nick. You aren’t alone here; it’s time for the pain to go away.” Collin said to Nick emotionally.

 

 

Nick eyes Collin again and his tears are threatening to come out. But he refused to have anyone see him like that. “For fuck sacks stop talking about all this shit.” Nick spats out and walks into Ian's arms. Ian is holding him and his back is against Ian’s chest now. Nick didn’t want to feel what he is feeling. Nick was overwhelmed and he did want to cry, but he refused to let anyone see him look a mess or give them the satisfaction.

 

 

“Talking about it helps Nick. It’s the only way you can get past this. Talking about it is what will make it start to go away.” Mandy now says to Nick.

 

 

Nick looks up and laughs to himself. “You know what big bros and Big sis….maybe I will do just that,” Nick said and he goes to sit down on the couch and waits for Dr. Jimenez to start. He closes his eyes and is told to be relaxed and breathe in slowly. “Okay Nick, you’re four years old okay. You’re back at your childhood house. Now tell me do you remember this?” Dr. Jimenez asks Nick.

 

 

“Yeah!” Nick said.

 

 

“Okay, now tell me what do you remember?”  Dr. Jimenez asked.

 

 

“I’m in the house but I’m not by myself.  Terry had a few people over and he kept coming to me and bothering me, telling me to hang out him and his disgusting friends.” Nick said bitterly.

 

“What did you tell him?” Dr. Jimenez asked Nick.

 

 

Nick opens his eye and shakes his head. “You know what; I changed my mind I can’t do this shit.” Nick said and gets up from the sofa.

 

 

“Nick no, please. You don’t have worry you’re safe here. It’s just us.” Dr. Jimenez said to him.

 

 

“If you’re implying that I’m scared I’m not!” Nicks said.

 

 

“What’s stopping you from telling me anything Nick?” Dr. Jimenez asked him

 

 

“Because I ain’t got shit to say.” Nick snaps out at her.

 

 

“He was playing you guys the whole time just to get Ian in here. We should just bring Mickey back.” Colt said from afar, but Nick hears him.

 

 

“For what big boy, so you can put me in my room? Fat chance” Nick said to Colt and gives him the finger.

 

 

“Well, I want to talk to Mickey right now.” Dr. Jimenez said to Nick

 

 

“Yeah well, people in hell want Ice water. So forget it, it ain’t happening and I ain’t going anywhere.” Nick said and crosses his arms over his chest smile smiling at her.

 

 

“Who the fuck do you think you are?” Colt said to Nick walking towards him. That was when Ian decided to stand close to Nick. He was quietly waiting for something to happen so he can have a reason to punch the guy in the face. But Ian knew Nick had this, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t knock the asshole out.

 

 

“Somebody who’s not gonna be shoved around by your Tinkerbell ass!” Nick said to Colt stepping in front of his face.

 

 

“Is there something we can do?” Iggy asked Dr. Jimenez.

 

 

“You guys I’m afraid I can’t force this on him.” Dr. Jimenez says to everyone in the room.

 

 

“So you can’t snap him out of it?” Collin asked in disbelief.

 

 

“I’m sorry, but you guys knew that complications could happen, and this was a risk we all took and Mickey knew about it. That was why we both decided Ian should come. He’s able to at least keep Nick Calm.” Dr. Jimenez says

 

 

“She right; and since she has Mickey under hypnosis Charlene has no control over Nick. So she can’t snap him out of it. This is something Mickey has to do on his own, or Nick has to be willing to let Mickey come back.” Leah says now.

 

 

“Smart Cookie you got there Collin. I like her more and more now.” Nick says as he pointed at Leah.

 

 

Just then Charlene phone rings and it’s the hospital so she excuses herself for a moment and comes back to inform the group she has an emergency back at the hospital with one of her patients. “Call me if something changes okay, but I can’t snap Nick out of this. Mickey is the only one who can do that. Remember Nick took control because Mickey needs him to.” she says and then she leaves. So Nick is out again and he is enjoying pissing Colt off.

 

 

“I’m tired and I want to go home, Ian.”  Nick tells Ian because he really did want to leave. He wants to be back to where he felt home was and is at.

 

 

“You’re not going anywhere with him,” Colt said growled at Ian and Nick.

 

 

“Oh yeah? Who the fuck you think you are? You think you can make me! Like I said I ain’t gonna be pushed around by you or anyone.” Nick said responding to Colt and stepping in front of him. Ian then pulls Nick back and tells him not to listen to Colt. Colt looks at Ian and gives him a glare, but Ian ignores him. Nick looks at Ian and listens to him and walks off into the bedroom while dragging Ian along with him. And just to be a spiteful asshole that Nick is, he pokes his head out of the bedroom door and yells out. “If you guys hear any loud moaning and me screaming, don’t be alarm! me and Ian will just be having sex!” Nick then slams the door and locks it.  Nick laughs to himself and turns around to look at Ian who was just standing there waiting for him. “How have you been?” Nick said to Ian softy as he was looking at him.

 

 

Ian shrugs his shoulder and is looking down at the floor then back at Nick shyly. “Honestly Nick…I’ve been lost,” Ian said and looks down at his hands. Nick nods his head at Ian. He then goes up to Ian and takes his face into his hands and kisses Ian passionately until they were out of breath.

 

 

Nick sighs. The only person Nick has ever let his guard down to is Ian. And now his emotions are showing as he speaks to Ian. “I’m so sorry Ian; I didn’t mean to leave you…Don’t leave me because of this.”

 

 

“I’m tired, I’m confused, and I would really like to go home and feel something again. But every time I go home and look at our bed, everything we shared.” Ian said as tears come down his face. “Every time I think about us, I think about my future and I have no doubts, Nick….But it hurts more and more to know that you’re not fully mines.” Ian said sadly to Nick.

 

 

Nick wipes the tears coming down Ian's face as he speaks to him. “Ian… You will have all of me I promise you. That’s if fucking Colt doesn’t let us be together because Mickey is too fucking stupid…and if Collin doesn’t decide to step in and be all ‘Big brother’ again and keep you away. Baby, you will always have me no matter what…trust me okay.” Nick says to Ian.

 

 

“Look, Nick, me and you; we can always go somewhere else and start over. But Nick Your family; Mandy and Iggy there not bad, and Collin is kind of okay.” Ian says and Nick just rolls his eyes at that and looks away. “Plus it wasn’t Collin who kept me away. (Nick looks up at Ian now waiting for an answer) It was Mickey.” Nick turns away from Ian with guilt. “Mickey wanted to me away, but long story short; he found me. And we talked; it was weird. I saw you in everything he said and did.” Ian said while looking down at his hands “He’s the reason why I’m here today, he invited me here.” Ian said in a whisper wiping his face.

 

 

Nick squints at Ian “Right now, my family consist of me, you, Debbie, and Mickey, unfortunately. (Ian gave him a face in telling him to stop it, but Nick ignores it) I don’t need anyone else Ian….So are you sure you’re still willing to be with me? Be with me while having these fucking multiple personality in my head and dealing with these extra alter now?” Nick asked Ian.

 

 

Ian is quiet for a moment looking at Nick with ‘are you fucking serious face’ “Yes! I told you before I love you and all of you, no matter what.”

 

 

“This; us… is doomed, you know that right.” Nick said and it hurts for him to say it, but he has to say it. He needs Ian to be sure of what he is getting himself into. “You fell in love with someone who doesn’t exist,” Nick said to Ian. Nick knew about everything that happened in the hospital and while Mickey was out. He was there, he saw and he felt the pain and guilt of when Ian left that hospital room. What Nick didn’t know was that Mickey found Ian when he asked him to. He made a mental note to himself to remember that.

 

 

“For Christ sack Nick, don’t say that. You’re here okay. You’re real, and with me.” Ian said to Nick passionately.

 

 

“This is terminal, Ian.” Nick said again to Ian, looking at him. Nick held back tears because the thought of losing Ian again hurt him more than anything in this fucked up world. But maybe letting Ian go was for the best.

 

 

“Stop it, Nick! You’re everything to me okay. You’re the reason I exist and why I wake up in the morning hoping that one day you will come back to me no matter what. And yeah I’ve been hitting the bottle pretty hard, but you give me hope. I’m not giving up on you or us.” Ian said passionately again looking Nick in his eyes. Ian gives Nick another kiss for reassurance of his words.

 

 

Nick is quiet for a moment and makes a small smile on his face; then he speaks softly to Ian. “You know… when you say that, it makes it sound like it can be so real.”

 

 

“You need a family to Nick. That’s why you and me met. Two lost souls in this world; me and you.” Ian said to Nick smiling brightly at him. And Ian was right; in a way, they are two lost souls in this world who needed each other more than anything.

 

 

Nick smiles at Ian and says “I love you.”

 

 

“I love you too,” Ian said and leans down to Kiss the man he loves so much, holding him close not wanting to let him go ever again. But Ian had a feeling this wouldn’t last and knew that he would be heartbroken all over again. But if it meant having Nick with him and fighting for him just a little bit longer? Than yeah; he would rather do this then feel like his life was worthless and nothing again. “You know if we do leave they will track you down Nick, and so will Colt.”

 

 

“I think that bastard part bloodhound or something.” Nick said to Ian making a face at him.

 

 

“I think he’s an asshole.” Ian spats out.

 

 

Nick laughs at that and speaks to Ian, who was still holding him. “Well let’s just get outta here, so we don’t have to deal with Milkovich siblings”.

 

 

“Well at some point Nick you’re going to have to,” Ian says and when Nick didn’t say anything Ian continues talking. “Look, babe, I know you don’t like them, but they do care for you. I mean Mandy; her and Debbie are close. I see a lot of resemblance to you and her. She tough, outspoken, loud, and she has a mouth on her just like you do… She’s been great to me and Debbie. She does love you.” Ian said to Nick.

 

 

“Can’t I just deal with them another time? Right now I want to go home to OUR bed, in OUR house…Where I feel at home and safe.” Nick said looking at Ian, and shit. God Damn it; Ian never could say no to Nick when he made that sad fucking face that he always does. He hated seeing Nick pout. Fucking asshole is so going to be the death of him.

 

 

Ian huffs “Fine, but I’m telling you right now, they’re not gonna like it. But they might or might not be willing to let you leave with me just like that Nick.” Ian tells him with a serious face.

 

 

“Well, they don’t fucking rule me or Mickey. So Ima go where ever the fuck I please! And let a mother fucker try and stop me.” Nick said going to the closet to change his clothes. He turns around and looks at Ian as he strips his clothes off slowly while speaking “You like what you see red?” he said in a flirty kind of way and smiles at Ian.

 

 

Ian smiles back at Nick and nods his head because he knew what Nick wanted. “I’m not fucking you while they're here and can hear us.” Ian said to him laughing.

 

 

Nick laughs and says “Well why not? I told them if they heard us, it was because we’re having sex! So they are fully aware that there will be loud noises coming from in here.” Nick said while pointing down.

 

 

“Nooooo, nope, not happening.” Ian said while laughing at Nick as Nick gave him a face of ‘are you seriously’.

 

 

“You’re denying me of sex!? Ooooh no, nooope that’s it. We’re done. I can’t stand the torcher.” Nick said playing around with Ian as he laughs.  Ian wraps his strong arms around Nicks' waist and kisses him deeply that it made both men moan. “We soooo need to hurry up and get home, like NOW!” Nick said.

 

 

Ian nods his head and lets Nick get dressed. As always Nick looks good when he gets dressed in any dark colors. Nick does his hair, put his earring in his ear, and is putting on his eyeliner while looking at Ian. Nick smiles at Ian and Ian smiles right back at him. How did these two find each other in this big world was beyond them, and Ian was memorized at how Nick got himself ready? Taking in every detail of what he did. Once Nick is done, both men were ready to leave, but stop when they overheard the conversation that was going on in the sala.

 

 

“We can’t just leave him like this or in there with Ian,” Colt said to the Milkovich siblings.

 

 

“Well Ian’s the only one who can calm Nick down, plus Mickey said it was best to have Ian around in case something like his happens,” Collin said to Colt.

 

 

“You have got to be fucking kidding me!” Colt shouts at Collin.

 

 

Collin goes up to Colt and makes a fist. “Shout at me again and I won’t give a shit if you’re Mickey boyfriend or whatever the fuck you are! I will knock your fucking teeth in and break both your kneecaps. You Got that!” Collin said to Colt in a low threatening voice that even Iggy steps back. “Now for the moment we might not like the situation; but my brother is fine at the moment, he might not be himself but he’s with someone that my brothers and my sister trust.” Collin said to Colt.

 

 

“Oh, so Mickey trusts Ian now? Yeah fucking right okay; Nick is not –How the fuck can you justify this shit? All he’s doing is ruining Mickey’s life!” Colt says out loud

 

 

“You know what Colt, the sooner you come to the realization that all this is real, that Mickey is sick. That he has multiple personality disorder and that each and every one of those alters is a part of him. Then shit will go by smoother. But right now the more you talk the more I wanna kick your ass. I get that you’re hurting or whatever the fuck and it’s hard for you right now. But you can either be supportive and if not then leave! Because right now it’s not about us, it’s not about you, it’s about him.” Iggy said standing next to Collin who gave him a nod in agreeing with his brother.

 

 

“It’s like what Leah and Charlene said, an alters’ job is to protect the host. Mickey is that host. And if he’s not ready to face what’s happened to him; then we can’t force him to. You may know some of what happened, but you don’t know the whole thing! Shit, we don’t even know the whole thing…The only person who does knows everything is in that room over there…We can’t force this on Mick, he has to come to terms with it and he needs us to be there for him. Whether he is Nick or another alter he needs us!” Mandy said to Colt. Mandy wasn’t one for being patient when it came to certain things, but when it came to Mickey and seeing for herself; and reading up more on his disorder. She came to the solution that this was going to be a long ride. A ride she and her brothers were willing to ride out with Mickey.

 

 

“This is bullshit! Why can’t we just tell him, he was a product of rape as a child? Why can’t we simply tell him! Why should we believe Nick and anything he is saying?” Colt tells the group.

 

 

That was when Nick decided to cut in “Because-you dumb fuck! Didn’t I explain that pushing Mickey would make him fall so hard that he would be gone? He will literally lose himself and I, little o me will be here for a long, long, long, and Oh did I not say a long time? That, by the way, sounds pretty fucking good when you think about.” Nick said as he smiles and turns to Ian “Can we go now? I wanna fucking big bacon cheeseburger sooooo bad and a side of you.” Nick said while smilings at Ian. Ian nods his head at Nick and they make their way towards the door.

 

 

“Wait are you sure? I mean we can have dinner here and you know….I make the best bacon cheeseburgers ever!” Mandy said quickly as she looks at Ian and Nick while they were getting ready to leave. Both men turn around and look at one another. Nick looks just annoyed because he doesn’t want to be here right now.

 

 

“No. I want to leave this place it’s making me feel too cooped up.” Nick said to her only looking at her.

 

 

“Please?” She said to him and Nick looks at her sadly. When Nick didn’t respond, she spoke again with some hope in her voice “well are you at least going to come back?” Mandy and Iggy said at the same time. Meanwhile, Collin and Leah were talking out on the balcony. Leah looked like she was upset with what Collin was saying to her and that got Nick feeling suspicious. They both were walking back in the house and she looked furious.

 

 

“Maybe.” Nick said while Looking st Collin and Leah then looks back at Mandy and Iggy. “ okay look, none of you are my fucking keeper. So I’m gonna go out with Ian and we're gonna have a nice date and most likely fuck aaaall. Night. Long.” Nick says while looking at Colt. Then Nick looks back at Mandy and Iggy. “FYI, if I do decide to come back here. Make sure he’s not here.” Nick said while pointing at Colt.

 

 

It was pointless really to try and fight with Nick. The more you fought with him the more he stood in control. Now it was up to Mickey to want to come back. Whatever he remembered as a child made him bring Nick back out. So, Collin, Iggy, and Mandy had to just suck it up, because they did mean everything they said to Nick. They loved him for taking care of Mickey when they couldn’t, and especially when Collin should have. So now they will have to wait until Mickey is strong enough to come back. And the Milkovich siblings will do that for their brother.

 

 

Colt, of course, was furious, but Mandy told Nick that Colt won’t be around whenever he wants to contact them. She was secretly hoping that Ian would get him to open up to them. If Nick is going to be here for a while, then she wanted to know her brother again. Even if he was another person, Nick is still part of Mickey. Mandy goes up to Nick and hugs him tight like she didn’t want to let him go. He didn’t hug her back, he felt weird doing that. Iggy just nodded his head at him and Collin did the same. Nick turned around and walked to Ian who was at the door waiting for him. Ian nodded his head to Mandy who probably worded something to him “BYE!” Nick yelled out as he walked out the loft apartment with Ian in hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Nicks back but for how long?  
> PS. I sooooo dedicate this to maryellen590 (Mary) Congratulations. Plus I pass my BIO so Good new all around. Enjoy the chapter you guys xoxoxoxoxox


	24. The first fight! LOL

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for still reading you guys. School has started but I'm still going to update this and finish it. Just bear with me a little longer. xoxoxox
> 
>  
> 
> Okay, so I'm back... I've been gone for a while apologizes. School and work is crazy.  
> So this chapter has some trigger warning as far as past rape and abuse. I want you all to know that so just in case. I had a bit of a problem writing those parts. Personal experience all effects the writing. Anywho. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter. Please do let me know what you guys think of this chapter.  
> Please leave your comments and I love your kudos and comments. I respond to them all. Well see yah guys later.

As soon as Nick and Ian returned to the house, they were all over each other. Ian did take Nick to go get a big bacon cheeseburger, which he enjoyed by the way. But once they got back to the house it was a different ball game. Debbie wasn’t home, so the house was all to themselves. Nick attacks Ian as soon as the front door opens and they were all over each other. Nick removes his jacket and Ian removes his. While Nick is moving forward kissing Ian, never removing his lips from him, Ian was walking backward until they reach the steps and they fell down. Both Men laughed and just looked at each other with such lust and hunger. Both men got up and Ian held out his hand to Nick, which he took gratefully. Then both men went upstairs and were removing their clothes and throwing them on the floor not caring where it went. Once they got to their room, they were both in their boxers and were on each other again.

 

Nick pushes Ian on the bed and hovers over him. Nick combs back some of Ian’s hair from his face and lowers himself down to kiss Ian passionately and deeply. His tongue slid over Ian’s, and both men enjoyed tasting and feeling that sensation of one another. Nick sucks on Ian’s bottom lip and pulls it playfully as he releases it sitting up straddling Ian. Nick smiles down at Ian taking in the sight before his eyes. The way Ian’s body was flushed, the way his arms are curved strong muscles and how his chest down to his abs looks so perfect and muscular; Nick looks at Ian with such love.  Nick starts to kiss Ian again and then went down to his neck sucking and biting it, making dark marks. He kisses down towardsIan'sn chest and then begins to let his tongue drag out over Ian’s abs stopping at his hips. Nick kisses Ian’s hip and bites him lightly making another red mark on him.

 

 

Nick looks up to find Ian staring at him and he smiles hovering over his cock. He teases Ian at first with a small lick of his cock tasting the precum and watching Ian drop his head back in pleasure. Then with one swift motion Nick takes the tip of Ian’s cock into his mouth and is playing with it. Ian throws his head back again and arches his back at the sensation and feeling of pleasure that is going through his body right now.

 

 

Nick takes Ian further down and is bobbing his head up and down faster while sucking hard on Ian. Ian grabs Nicks’ hair and pulls it as he breathing out Nicks name over and over again. Nick is moaning as Ian grabs his hair because god he fucking loves it. Nick wants Ian to release into his mouth; he wants to feel close to Ian again. He wants every bit of Ian inside of him. Ian’s panting heavier and faster “Nick…. _Fuck_ ….Nick….hmmm. FUCK Nick Ima cum…stop-don’t-” Ian tries to pull Nick off, but Nick holds Ian’s hips down and pushes further down on Ian and sucks even harder on Ian’s cock. Ian than cries out and releases into Nick’s mouth while gripping on to the bed sheets and Nicks' hair.

 

 

 

Nick swallows all of Ian release and is licking him clean before going back up to straddle Ian again. Ian then sits up, grabs Nick by the neck and captures him by his the lips. The kiss is sloppy but tasting Nick and himself all at the same time makes Ian hard again and the blood rush to Ian’s cock making him hard again.  Nick smiles into the kiss and enjoys the feeling of what he does to Ian. He loves making him fall apart like this; he loves it when he touches him, and when Ian holds him. It’s just right. Since day one of meeting Ian, of them being together, the roughness, the sex, the pleasure, and everything was just right.

 

 

Ian then flips Nick around and grabs the lube from inside the nightstand and puts some on his fingers, while he kisses and sucks on Nick’s neck. Making Nick moan loud as he fists Ian’s hair and arches his back to the sensation of Ian sucking on his neck and pressing not one but two fingers into him. And Nick loves the feeling of that instant stink of relief of pleasure. Ian’s finger fucking him just right and Nick chocks out with a hitch in his voice “ _more…(he breathes) please more baby._ ” So Ian gives him another finger and kisses his jaw and makes his way to Nicks mouth kissing him while their tongues fight for dominance. All you hear is moaning and panting as Nick breaks the kiss and is panting harder because Ian keeps brushing over his sweet spot. Making Nick feel so good that his toes curl up and he clenches his stomach. Ian stops because he knows Nick is close and he wants this to last. It’s been too long since him and Nick been with one another and he wants it to last.

 

 

Nick whines at the lack of touch, he see Ian put the lube on his cock and coats it. Ian then hikes up Nick’s leg over his shoulders and puts himself inside of Nick. Nick moans at the instant feeling and Ian shuts his eyes and leans his head down. The instant warmth and tightness around his cock is so much to bear that he’s trying hard not to cum right then and there inside his lover. Ian pushes himself inside of Nick and starts to thrust in and out. Nick is gripping the sheets of the bed and biting his lips. Ian’s thrust starts off at a good pace, but then it picks up, and his pace is starting to become more erotic and he’s losing control. Nick is moaning louder making all sorts of noises and Ian is looking at him with such lust. Harder and deeper! Ian keeps going in and out of Nick all the while as Nick has his eyes on Ian the whole time trying to keep them open. Nick groans when Ian hit the perfect spot. “Right there…don’t stop….more Ian, faster” Nick moans out, all the while as Ian was biting and kissing Nick’s neck now. Nick grips onto Ian’s hair and moves Ian from his neck. He kisses Ian harder as Ian is moving in and out faster and deeper inside of him. Both Ian and Nick were falling apart, and then in with a few final thrust, Nick is cumming in between him and Ian so hard, that he saw stars as he arches his back up and held onto Ian close not wanting him to move. Ian at the same time stiffens as he hit his orgasm, being deep inside Nick and he didn’t want to move as well.

 

 

They stay like this for a few moments while kissing each other, and holding each other, not moving at all. Ian is still inside of Nick and his cock was already soft but Nick didn’t want him to leave or move. Nick holds on to Ian longer and is talking to him, saying sweet things to him and smiling fondly at Ian. Ian was blushing red and laughing at the silly shit Nick was saying to him. When Ian finally pulled out of Nick, Nick winced from the release and instantly lies down on Ian chest. Ian tries to move and clean both of them up, but Nick wanted to just lay there. Ian didn’t argue, he knew Nick and knew he just wanted to hold Ian close to him. They both drifted off to sleep not letting go of each other for the rest of the night.

 

*******************************************

 

For the next few of days Ian and Nick where in their own bubble, no one could disturb them or even say a word to them. Plus they were fucking like bunny rabbits so much that Debbie walked in on them while Nick was riding Ian into the sofa. Then again when Ian had Nick bend over the kitchen sink, and then again as she was going up to her room. They were actually fucking in the stairs and Debbie threw a sneaker at them. She told them if she catches them again that she was going ripe one of their balls off. It didn’t really stop them. But for those few days of bliss Ian went to work and would come home to Nick working on his laptop. 

 

 

“hmmm it feels good to have you again,” Ian says to Nick while in bed. He had just got home from doing a double shift and was tired.

 

 

“hmmm it feels good to be here again with you, wrap in your arms.” Nick says to Ian as he spoons him. Nick loves to be held by Ian. Something he would never admit to anyone. He never did all this cuddling shit with anyone he slept with. But this was Ian, and only with Ian was that it always felt new and good to him. A feeling He didn’t want to ever let go of. “What are we doing tomorrow? I’m off from work.” Nick asked Ian. Nick had recently decided to go back to work at the club, but only as a bar tender. Tips weren’t as much, but he got to Dj there whenever he wanted to and make drinks all night while drink as well.

 

 

“Hmm well, Mandy is coming over to hang out. She asked and I said sure. Plus she misses you.” Ian tells Nick.

 

 

Nick sighs. “She misses Mickey not me Ian,” Nick says dryly to Ian.

 

 

Ian sits up slightly. “No Nick she misses her brother.” Ian says and Nick turns around to glare at him. “Don’t look at me like that okay. She just wants to spend time with you and get to know you. You can’t get mad at her for wanting to know you.”

 

 

Nick gets up from the bed and goes to grab his sweat pants from the floor. “Oh yeah sure, like she doesn’t secretly want Mickey to come back out?” Nick spats out to Ian.

 

 

With that Ian also gets up from the bed, slightly annoyed at Nick. “Nick she’s knows this is not easy for you or me and it’s not easy for them! For god sacks she’s not the one hiding!” Ian says to Nick and he instantly regrets it when he saw Nick’s expression on his face.

 

 

Nick was hurt, but now he was pissed off. “FUCK YOU! You don’t know shit. You don’t know a god damn fucking thing! I’m not hiding; Mickey is. So don’t you fucking think for one second that I’m afraid of anything!” Nick yells at Ian and tries to leave the room.

 

 

Ian grabs Nicks hand and stops him before he can leave the room. “Nick that’s not what I meant and it came out wrong!” Ian tries to tell him, but Nick wasn’t listening to him.

 

 

“No it came out how it was meant to come out.” Nick says suddenly and wants to leave the room before this conversation turns into a huge fight causing someone to either end up in the hospital or heart broken.

 

 

“Look Nick okay, listen to me okay.” Ian says to Nick, and Nick turns away from Ian again. Ian gets up and grabs him so Nick is facing him now. “Look Nick, if you have any faith in me, then you have to have some faith as well. I didn’t mean for it to come out like that. Plus your sister wants to come over and I don’t see what’s the problem?” Ian says.

 

“Well then you know what Ian? Maybe you don’t have to find out, maybe it’s not worth your time then?” Nick says with no heat, and no emotions behind his voices. He walks out the room and Ian leaves him alone. He knew that Nick would most likely end up ignore him and not talking to him at all. They wouldn’t call this a fight, more like I don’t want to do this so you can’t make me, end of discussion.

 

Ian didn’t mean to say that Nick was hiding, but in a way he was avoiding Mandy phone calls, and text messages. Even Collin and Iggy tried to reach out to Nick. But Nick being Nick, he wanted nothing to do with them. Ian wanted Nick to show them that Nick is a person, more than what they already think and know he is. But like always, Nick made things complicated for everyone.

 

*****

 

The following day, Mandy showed up and Nick wasn’t home. Nick told Debbie that he had to work at the club that night someone called out. When Debbie told Ian what Nick told her, he knew it was bullshit. Both of them were off and it was so convenient that someone called off from work when he had told him Mandy was coming over.

 

 

Mandy was kind of sad her brother wasn’t there. Nick hadn’t returned her calls or answered her text messages. She knew he was avoiding her, but she wasn’t going to give up. “Sooooo. Where does Nick work at now?” Mandy asked curiously.

 

 

“He still works at one of the clubs in Boys Town, but he’s bartending instead. Why?” Debbie says and then continues to talk when she sees Mandy’ face light up. “You wanna go see him at work don’t you?” Debbie asked her.

 

 

“Well fuck yeah. If that’s the only fucking way he will see me, and that I can spend time with him! Then yeah, why not?” Mandy says shrugging her shoulders and then crossing her arms across her chest while having a smirk on her face. “Plus I get to see what other skills he’s got. Mick works with cars and fucking plays the guitar and is a geek when it comes to like any DC or Marvel shit. Nick doesn’t seem like that, so I wanna know this fucker and he’s gonna have no choice but to look at this hot face and spend time with me.” Mandy says with a big smile on her face while wiggling her eye brows at the same time.

 

 

Debbie smiles and chuckles a little at Mandy’s determination. Yeah she and Nick did act a lot alike down to the attitude and the weird shit they did. “True. Let me get Ian so we can go. Nick bartends at the club now, so maybe we can get a few free drinks.” Debbie says to Mandy.

 

 

“Free alcohol and dancing. Fuck yeah that’s what I’m talking about!” Mandy says.  Debbie goes upstairs to go get Ian and get ready herself.

 

 

Both redheads came down about 15 minutes later. Ian was fresh out the shower. He wore a tight blue short-sleeve shirt that showed his muscles and blue jeans with his black sneaker. His hair was scruff a bit not too much but he was cute. Debbie had on black skinny jeans with sleeveless t-shirt/Gallus tank top blouse. She looked pretty hot, her hair was up in a ponytail she had eyeliner on with some lip gloss. Nothing to over the top, she was looking nice.  After they were ready they headed out. Ian text Nick saying that they were going to the club and bringing Mandy. He didn’t get a responds back, but Ian figured it being Friday night maybe it was busy and Nick didn’t feel his phone vibrating. After last night; he would say there argument was a disagreement and not fight. Nick was fine this morning, so Ian assumed things were okay.

 

**********************************************

 

Since everyone knew Ian, getting inside was a piece of cake. The bouncers greeted Ian and allowed him to skip everyone on the line. Of course a few people on the line protest, but who gives a shit. Once they step in the club, Mandy and Debbie eyes brighten up, all these men hot and hell they were gay. Life can be so cruel sometimes. Debbie and Mandy decided to make a bet to see if one of them can get someone’s number and change their minds. Leave it to them to think that they can do that. Surely some of these men had to be bisexual at least right? Before they decided to do that, Debbie and Mandy were gonna get their coats check in first then head to the bar to see Nick. Ian went straight to the bar and told the girls he will be over there.

 

 

The club is packed with everyone on the dance floor dancing and drinking. The bar seems to be busy, but Ian couldn’t spot Nick anywhere. So he went up to one of the bartenders who knew him, and asked him where Nick was at.

 

 

“Hey Lucky!” Ian says to the average height blonde muscular man behind the bar.

 

 

“Oh hey Ian! Haven’t seen you in here in a while man! How are you?” Lucky says to Ian loud trying to talk over the music.

 

 

“I’m good working a lot. Hey where’s Nick? He said he was working tonight but I don’t see him back here.” Ian says to Lucky, who looks like he just seen a ghost. Now the man was tanned so for him to change colors on Ian got Ian suspicious. When Lucky acts like he didn’t hear him, Ian gets pissed off. “WHERE IS HE LUCKY!” Ian shouts over the bar at Lucky. Lucky moves his eyes to look at something. Ian notices this and turns his head to the direction Lucky is looking at. What he saw; didn’t necessarily shock him, but it did. The reason why that is; is because the one thing Nick never did was lie to Ian, and right now even that was a lie. Ian turns back to Lucky and speaks. “My sister and Nick’s sister is going to come over here. Give them whatever they want, and tell them that I went to go talk to Nick. In private. And don’t you fucking dare say anything.” Ian says and Lucky just nods at Ian.

 

 

Ian makes his way through the crowd. He sees Nick dancing on stage. The mother fucker said he stopped dancing. Ian didn’t have a problem with Nick dancing, he really didn’t. He trusts him, but Nick told him that he stopped dancing and that’s why Ian’s in between of being upset, disappointed, and pissed the fuck off. But Ian did remember that Nick said sometimes other dancers would call out and he would cover for them. But Nick always told Ian if he was dancing that night. Nick hadn’t notice Ian and he was swerving his hips and dancing like nothing else mattered. Ian had to admit that was one thing Nick did best at. Dance like no one was watching him and he always seemed to be free when he was doing that. When the song changes Nick got down from the stage. A few men were trying to get Nick to give them a lap dance from what Ian could tell. Nick would just shack his head no and continue to walk to the back room.

 

Ian sees that Nick came right back out from the back room and went back on stage. The music starts again and Nick is dancing to the music again. Nick had no idea that Ian is in the crowd looking at him. Mandy and Debbie end up finding Ian, but soon as the found him they were distracted at what they saw Ian looking at. Mandy spits out her drink, as she saw her baby brother dancing on stage and letting guys put money in his shorts. Debbie is blushing and instantly looks at Ian to see if he was upset. She couldn’t tell.

 

“I thought you said he was a bartender?” Mandy asked Debbie and looks at Ian.

 

 

“He is, but he told me he had to cover a shift for one of his co-workers tonight. It was probably one of the dancers who called out or something?” Debbie says to Mandy who is looking at her brother in another way.

 

 

“Well shit I can’t even get my hips to do that! How the fuck does he do that?” She asked to no one in particular and just says it out loud. “Shit I have to ask him one day.” Mandy says out loud and both redheads looked at her with a shock yet amused expression.

 

 

“Ian, you’re not mad are you?” Debbie asked her big brother.

 

 

“What?...No-no-no….Um he’s told me sometimes he would dance if one of the guys calls out. It’s just been awhile since I’ve seen him on stage with all of those asshole trying to touch him.” Ian says to Debbie as he keeps looking at Nick. Ian always got somewhat rattled when Nick danced. He would get jealous sometimes but did try to hide it. But right now both women saw straight through him. They can tell Ian is jealous of all those men putting money in Nicks pants and that Ian is holding himself back.

 

 

When the song died out, Nick gets off the stage and goes into the back and changes. He sees his phone and reads the text message from Ian. He didn’t panic, but he shot Ian a text back asking him that he was working and he would be home soon, to not come. He wasn’t sure if it was too late, but he got a text 1 minute later

 

 

Ian: Sorry we’re here already. Loved your performance.

 

 

Nick: Very funny asshole. Did Mandy really come?

 

 

Ian: Yuuuuup and she loved your performance as well. Even said ‘how the fuck does he get his hips to move like that’ and something about asking you how you move them so she can do it too. LOL.

 

 

Nick groaned, he didn’t want to see Mandy, he didn’t feel like she really wanted to know him. What was the point really? Not like she cared about Nick. Nick thought to himself.

 

 

Nick: HA! Tell her its skills, and she has none. Debbie with you guys as well?

 

 

Ian: Yeah. Apparently, her and Mandy have a bet about who can get the most numbers here. I think I should join them make them worship my skills. :P

 

 

Nick: LOL they do know it’s a gay club right? And Fuck you if you join them. Yah bitches know I would win that! Bet and you would have to be my slave. Only you would be my slave and do whatever I say! ;D

 

 

Ian: We are not dirty talking now, because you know that shit gets my hard fast and fuck you very much right now for getting my pants tight you dick. Do you know how hard that is to hide?

 

 

Nick: LOL. that’s what he said. LMFAO….so why dn’t yah come in the back room. I can help you with that.

 

 

 Ian: FUCK YOOOOUUUU

 

 

Nick: I know you want too. LMAO

 

 

Ian: Are you really laughing your ass off or are you just texting it?

 

 

Nick: your such a dick, of course I really am. So get the fuck in here and meet me in the back now. If you want me to be nice to Mickey’s sister I need to unload.

 

 

Ian: LOL oh yeah that is exactly what he said.

 

 

Nick: Dick.

 

 

Nick looks at the phone and smirks at his response to Ian. Just as Nick was about to text Ian again, he hears the door open and looks up to see Ian closing the door behind him locking it. Ian is staring at Nick with hunger in his eyes. Nick smiles while biting his bottom lip looking at Ian. He knew how Ian got when he saw Nick dance on the stage. He found that out one day when Nick gave him a private dance at home.

 

 

“Soooo you lookin’ for a good time red?” Nick asks playfully to Ian.

 

 

Ian grins at Nick and looks at him up and down “Hmmm I don’t know maybe.”

 

 

“Maybe?” Nick says and laughs at Ian has he approaches him and kisses him. Once Nick broke the kiss, Ian went down on his knees and removes Nick black boot shorts from him and took his length right into his mouth. Nicks head automatically falls back, as Ian plays with his balls with one hand and then grips his ass with the other all the while still sucking on Nicks cock.  Ian swirled his tongue around Nick’s length and continues to suck hard. He plays with the head sucking on it knowing that it was sensitive. Ian then takes his hand that is gripping Nick’s ass and brought it up to Nick’s mouth. Nick automatically sucks on Ian’s index and middle fingers eagerly. Nick starts to pant and moan more as Ian went to deep throat him and swallow him. Ian then takes his coated saliva fingers and enters inside Nick.

 

 

Nick grips Ian’s hair and tries hard not to fuck into his mouth, because he knew at any minute he was about to blow. When Ian starts to finger fuck Nick even more rougher and with ever thrust back inside of Nick, Ian’s fingers touched Nick’s sweet spot. Nick is breathing harder and telling Ian how much he loves him and how he was. Just then as Nick’s body backs is up against the wall, Ian is sucking on his cock hard and pushes his fingers into Nick deeper. Nick felt his stomach constricting at the sensation that is heating up in him now. Nick arches his back and is cumming in Ian’s mouth. The man he loves is moaning around his thick cock; making Nick feel the rushes of pleasurable waves. Nick still had his hands on Ian’s hair when Ian releases Nick’s cock from his mouth making sure nothing of Nick spilled. Ian swallowed ever bit of him as he stood up.

 

 

Nick lunges forward at Ian and kisses him fiercely. They make out for a while till Nick pulls back and looks at Ian in front of him, giving him a knowing look. Then it all click in his head, Nick knew why Ian decided to please him. I mean Ian would do it anyways to please himself which from the looks of Ian’s pants he sure did. But he knew that this would be one way to calm him down and not over reach that Mandy was here at the club. She wanted to spend time with her brother, well Nick. Nick didn’t have siblings or any family just Ian and Debbie. Fucking Ian, although Nick had to admit that; that was a cleaver move.

 

 

“You think your slick don’t you?” Nick said to Ian while raising one of his eyes brows up at him.

 

 

“What are you talking about? I have no idea what you’re talking about?” Ian says innocently to Nick with his big green puppy eyes staring at him.

 

 

“Fucking bad liar you know that,” Nick says with no heat behind his voice and smiles at Ian.

 

 

“So you’re not mad at me then and don’t hate me?” Ian says with a small sad smile at Nick.

 

 

Nick was taken back slightly at what Ian told him. He could never hate Ian or be mad at him; upset yeah. But never those things, never hate him. No, Ian was someone Nick loves more than himself. “Red I can never be mad at you or fuckin hates you. Upset at you, yeah maybe depending on what you do or what you say.  But never in a million fucking years can I ever hate you for doing whatever the fuck you think in that weird fucking brain of yours is right….Besides…How can I hate the love of my life huh?” Nick says fondly yet serious to Ian.

 

 

Ian laughs slightly and god did Nick love to hear him laugh. “The love of your life huh? (Ian wiggled his eyes brows at Nick) Are you getting soft on me Nikolai?” Ian says playfully to him in amusement.

 

 

Nick laughs at Ian as he said “Fuck you, I’m getting soft.” And Nick grabs Ian and kisses him again more firmly. He then breaks the kiss as he looks at the man in front of him “I love you.” He says in low whisper to Ian.

 

 

Ian smiles back “I love you too baby.”

********************************************

 

Both men left the back room with Nick fully dressed and Ian right behind him. Nick couldn’t help but have that after sex glow to him, even if it was just a blow job. Ian leads Nick to the bar where he hopes that his sister and new best friend/sister-in-law were still there drinking and talking. To his amazement of course they were not there. Debbie and Mandy were on the damn dance floor dancing trying to grind up on other guys. Did they forget that this was a gay club? Ian couldn’t help but laugh at them both. Nick was ordering Ian a drink with one already in his hand when he turned around to see why and what his Ian is laughing at. While doing this he was taking a sip of his drink; but what Nick saw made him spit out his drink in shock. He saw his favorite sister in law dancing, but that’s not what shocks him. He saw Mickey’s sister Mandy get on stage with one of the new dancers. What the fuck was she doing? She was dancing and trying to move her hips in a seductive way at the guy.

 

 

“What the fuck?” Nick said still in shock yet found the shit funny.

 

 

Ian is still laughing when he responded to Nick. “She did say she wanted to know how the fuck you move your hips the way you do!” Ian says and Nick just laughs and shakes his head at the shit he was seeing.

 

 

“Well someone need to fucking tell her ass to stop. She ain’t got the skills I got.” Nick says and finishes his drink and walks with Ian to where Debbie is at and where Mickey sister is at.

 

 

When he gets there, Mandy is still dancing enjoying herself and Nick couldn’t help be smile at her. She dances and moves freely like him in a way. That still didn’t mean that he liked her; he just thought she look free being on the dance stage dancing to the music. That’s all. Then Mandy jumps down from the stage, but not before slipping the guy her number, which made Nick and Ian laugh even more at her.

 

 

“What?” She says when she saw both men laughing at her

 

 

“Your dancing sucks man. Badly.” Nick says to her

 

 

“Oh yeah? SO why don’t you teach me then? I saw you on stage dancing and let me tell you. I had not fucking idea you can move like that. You have to teach me.” Mandy says smiling at Nick and giggling. She was feeling nice her and Debbie already had a few drinks. Before Nick could respond with a smart ass comment Debbie spoke.

 

 

“She right Nick, you have to show us,” Debbie says and Nick couldn’t help but laugh even more. Maybe it was the after sex glow or the fact that he was with two of his favorite redheads but Nick nods his head.

 

 

“Yeah okay maybe some other time, but not to night though.” Nick says and turns to look at Ian who was beaming at him with the only smile on his face. Nick leans into Ian and asked “What are you smiling at?”

 

 

“You. You just being you, and trying.” Ian says and grabs his husband and starts dancing. Both men and woman were dancing having fun. The night was young and so where they. Okay yeah so you guys have heard that, but it was. They were all having fun and enjoying themselves. It was getting pretty late and Debbie and Mandy still had their bet going on and both girls managed to get number oddly. Which Nick and Ian continued to laugh at throughout the night? Of course Mandy won the bet and was happy.  How they all managed to get back to the Gallagher house they don’t remember. But Mandy passed out in one of the spare rooms up stairs and everyone else where in their own rooms.

 

*****************

 

When Mandy comes to, she wakes up in an unfamiliar room.  She knew it wasn’t her bedroom, but she sure as hell was comfortable. Her mouth was dry and she felt a headache starting to come in. She got up and made her way out of the room to the hall way. She was in the Gallagher house. She then remembers that last night she had fun and she even managed to have her little brother around her. He smiled so brightly at Ian and she was laughing if not a lot but all the time around him. Even though it was Nick and Not Mickey, however Mandy couldn’t really remember a time when Mickey smiled so much or even laugh as much as Nick did. Ian sure did bring something out of her brother she hadn’t seen in a long time. Now if only Mickey were well enough to know and see things differently than he would see how happy he seems to be. She would hope that he would dumb Colts ass or even let her kick his ass and just be with Ian. She sooooo can make that happen. A part of her felt like she was betraying Mickey though. Technically Nick was Mickey, he was his alter and hanging out with him and getting to try to know her brother or apart of him better kind of made Mandy feel bad. It wasn’t as if she was hurting anyone, but she felt bad because she felt like she was betraying Mickey. But then again she wasn’t, wasn’t she?

 

 

She shook her head out of the thought when she heard moaning coming from one of the rooms. She stops dead in her tracks when she saw what or rather who was making the moaning sounds. Apparently Ian and Nick left there door cracked open and she got a view of her brother riding Ian hard and Ian gripping Nicks hips tightly, thrusting up into him. Both men were moving together and it was sweet bliss. Mandy quickly covered her eyes and made her way to down the stairs. She was in need of caffeine this fine morning.

 

 

As Mandy makes coffee and takes some aspirin for her headache that was soon to come, she walks around in the kitchen seeing what she can make. She wants to make the most of today; she wants to spend time with the Gallagher’s and her brother. She just hopes that her brother would want to spend time with her. She of course hears more loud moaning sounds and her brother saying yes, yes, yes, over and over again. She wishes she had headphones on. She wonders how Debbie manages to not wake up.  With that being said, Mandy decides to go out real quick and get a few things so she can make breakfast for her and everyone in the house. Hopefully for her Nick and Ian will be done with their morning fuck fest at least.

 

 *********************************

 

Nick woke Ian up from is sleep with one hell of a blow job. Nick wanted to show Ian how much he loves him and he wants to keep the subject that they had that night far away from his mind.  Ian wanted to know more about Nick and his past. The past that he kept buried for a reason, the reason he’s still here in some ways. So last night when Ian tried to talk to him about it and get some answer from him. Nick went ahead and made sure to silence him the best way he knew how to. But he wasn’t done there. Nick gets up and sees Ian laying down sleeping like an angel. He wants to wake Ian up happy and dazed out in bliss. So that led Nick to riding Ian into the mattress and making Ian come not once but twice.

 

 

“FUCK…FUCK IAN!” Nick and Ian hit there climax together and Nick was still on top of him. He leans down and kisses Ian lazily. When he gets off of Ian he winced slightly and went straight into the bathroom to clean up. When he gets out of the bathroom and goes back in their room, Nick sees that Ian had got up from the bed and had put his sweat pants on.  Nick jumps on the bed and went under the covers while looking at Ian. Nick was admiring the marks he made on Ian and how Ian looks so much like a mess. Nick was laughing at how Ian had to use the dresser to stand up. Oh yeah his work was done. There was no way that last night subject should come up, not with Ian in bliss. Or so that’s what Nick thought.

 

 

“Nick?” Ian simply says.

 

 

“Hmm.” Nick hums out as an answer.

 

 

“We need to talk about yesterday. And since everyone is sleeping I think it’s okay to talk.” Ian says sitting down on the bed looking at Nick who ended up pulling the covers over his head.

 

 

“Noooooo Iaaaan. Come to the fuck on man; why do we have to talk about something that doesn’t need to be discussed at all or ever?” Nick says under the covers

 

 

Ian wasn’t having any of that. Avoiding the subject he wanted to talk about with Nick was not happening. Nick’s been dodging some of Ian’s questions and Ian hasn’t been pushing. He thought that maybe since they were out having fun and Nick had plenty to drink that maybe he would have loosen up. But he didn’t and now Ian was getting annoyed. Why was Nick avoiding the subject of his past? Ian is not only his husband, but is supposed to be his best friend as well.  

 

 

“I sometimes need help getting inside that head of yours you know. You don’t tell me anything about your past. You got to talk to me Nick.” Ian says to Nick who is still under the covers.

 

 

Nick then throws the cover from over his head and looks at Ian with a dull face. “God No okay, you know enough, I’ve told you enough…Do we really have to talk about this?” Nick says.

 

 

“You know what Nick, I love you. But there are somethings I don’t know about you that I want to know!” Ian says seriously to Nick.

 

 

Nick rolls his eyes and sits up while pulling the blanket low and smirking at Ian. “Okay so asked me whatever you want.” Nick says in a sexy seductive voice to Ian.

 

 

Ian huffs out a smile and shakes his head at Nick. “No. You do that every time I try to talk to you about something serious.” Ian says looking back at Nick now.

 

 

“Do what?” Nick says giving Ian a surprised look on his face.

 

 

“You use sex to distract me and get what you want. You tried that the first time we met remember? And you do it a lot, like right now.” Ian says fondly to Nick.

 

 

However Nick didn’t see it as that and took it offensive to Ian's comment and gets upset at Ian. “Fuck you Ian! I’m not a slut!” he says and gets up from the bed and pulls on a pair of pants that where on the floor.

 

 

“That’s not what I said Nick!” Ian says defensively to Nick.

 

 

Nick turns around quickly looking at Ian as he speaks. “Yes you did! No matter how nice you try to put it, you practically called me a slut” Nick says quickly.

 

 

“No that’s not what I said, that’s what you think you heard but that’s not what I said Nick. So calm the fuck down.” Ian says getting slightly annoyed that Nick was making this into nothing

 

 

“I know what I heard Ian. You basically said that whenever we need to talk about something I use sex to distract you.” Nick spat out

 

 

“No! That’s not what I said okay. I know you’re better than that okay… just talk to me okay.” Ian says with his shoulders falling looking at Nick.

 

 

“You called me a slut Ian,” Nick says to Ian again and Ian looks more annoyed and pissed off.

 

 

“NO I DIDN’T OKAY… FucK!” Ian says raising his voice slightly. “I told you to stop doing what you always do. Stop using sex to solve any of your problems and to stop using it to avoid serious talks we have to have.” Ian says to Nick.

 

 

Nick looks at Ian, tilting his head to the side and it looks like he was thinking then says “Wow? Huh” Nick says and smiles at Ian.

 

 

“What?” Ian says and looks at Nick with a confused face.

 

 

“You know we’re actually having our first fight babe.  As like a married couple ... Aww babe our first real fight! Ain’t that some shit.” Nick says while smiling and laughing.

 

 

Ian laughs at Nick and couldn’t believe him. Let it be Nick to find some form of humor in this situation. “You’re unbelievable you know that?”

 

 

“Is this where we kiss and makeup and have makeup sex because I would like that so much right now,” Nick said playfully to Ian

 

 

“Nick we're not fighting okay,” Ian said to him.

 

 

Nick gave Ian a face of ‘come on seriously’ “Oh yeah? You could have fucking fooled me red.” Nick says in a sigh. “Look Ian; there’s just some things I can’t go into detail with you okay. Things that I have to protect and keep, okay-besides why are we having this conversation for? I tell you everything anyways” Nick said firmly to Ian.

 

 

“No you don’t,” Ian said to Nick. Nick looks hurt from what Ian said to him, but Ian continues to talk. “You don’t tell me about your past, about what happened to you and Mickey,” Ian said with a serious tone to his voice.

 

 

“Because if you knew then Mickey's siblings might find out, and then I’ll be gone!” Nick says almost shouting at Ian. “I won’t be here and they would fuckin have their precious Mickey back.”

 

 

“They know a few things, what they don’t know is how it started and when. You were four I know that, but you won’t say who, you won’t even fucking trust me with that!? Me; your husband, you know the one you married.” When Nick didn’t say a word to Ian; Ian continues on.  “Nick, start talking to me,” Ian said finishing his small rant.

 

 

“Oh come the fuck on Ian. This whole guilt trip thing and your fucking puppy eyes ain’t working on me!” Nick said to Ian.

 

But Ian wanted to push just a little more on the subject. “I know it’s hard for you to be honest with me. Since the day I’ve met you; you’ve been like an open yet closed book with me. So right now your walls are more up. But why with me Nick? ….I love you, what you tell I won’t ever tell anyone. Just like with what I tell you I know you wouldn’t tell anyone.”

 

 

Nick looks at Ian and is about to walk out the door but then he turns and looks at him again. If he wanted Nick to open up, than okay right now he will. “I have to be tough enough to clean up the messes that Mickey makes or puts himself in. To make sure he’s okay and that no one. NOT even you hurt us okay. So FUCK You Ian! You want me to open. Alight then, I’ll let your fucking ass in on something! … When I’m with you Ian, I’m not just some fucking guy who has to be tough for Mickey, who has to fight his battle and deal with the most fuck up shit… I’m not just a person who is used. I’m me Ian when I’m with you, I’m me okay.” Nick says with glassy eyes but refused to let his tears come down.

 

 

 “Look, baby, I didn’t mean to hurt you I-” Ian tries to continue to apologize but Nick cuts him off.

 

 

“Look Ian don’t sweat it ight.” Nick says and walks out the room down stairs to the kitchen.

 

 

When Nick gets down stairs he saw Mandy. He didn’t want to deal with no one right now; she was cooking and turned to notice him. “Morning Nick.” Mandy says. Nick nods his head at Mandy and keeps quiet, not saying anything. He is pretty upset from his little argument with Ian, and he just wants to be alone. “Not a morning huh?” Mandy says to him.

 

 

“Nah, not really….Is there any coffee?” Nick says simply to her.

 

 

“Oh yeah I ah made some earlier while you and Ian where having fun.” Mandy says and winks at Nick while laughing. Nick blushes and just smirks at her. To Mandy that was something rather than nothing.  “So I’m almost done with breakfast, I made French toast, with some bacon. I woke up fucking starving.” Mandy says casually to Nick. Regardless of anything Nick is still her brother. She gives him a plate and he sits at the table eating and she stood up by the oven cooking and eating. Nick is looking at her as he ate but she pays no mind to that. “You like it?” Mandy asked Nick.

 

 

“Yeah, it’s actually good….So what you want from me?” Nick asks Mandy. He wants to know what her game plan is, why she is here, and what for. He could feel Mickey wanted to come out and it was annoying him. With the fight he had with Ian and now Mickey sister here, Nick just wanted to run off and not be around to tell you the truth.

 

 

Mandy was taken back by Nick’s question but answered truthfully. “I want to know you! I want to; you know spend time with you and develop a relationship with my brother.” Mandy says to Nick not looking away from him so he could see how serious truthful she is being with him.

 

 

“But I ain’t your brother, Mickey is! For all, I know you’re just here to try and get Mickey back. You’re all buddy, buddy with Ian and Debbie but I see through the bullshit.” Nick spats at Mandy.

 

 

Mandy glares at Nick. She places her plate down on the counter and looks directly at him. “I don’t know who the fuck you think you are, but I’m not here to try and be all buddy, buddy with anyone asshole! Debbie and me are like best friends and so is Ian (Nick snorts at Mandy’s’ comment but she continues to talk). There is no bullshit okay; you’re just being a little prick because you think everyone is out to get you.” Mandy spats back at him.

 

 

“Aren’t they? You can’t fucking tell me that everyone is all happy and fucking peachy that I’m here and that Mickey ain’t. I’m the one everyone wants gone! No one wants me here!” Nick snaps back at Mandy.

 

 

“Fuck you Okay! You don’t know me, yet here you are judging me because of how I am, and for what? Because I’m Mickey sister!? Asshole I’m your fucking sister to! Whether you see it or not or feel it or not, you’re my fucking brother!” Mandy says with tears coming out of her eyes. It was a lot to hold in, watching your brother deal with his eternal demons. Whether it was Nick or Mickey she just wanted to be there for them. Mandy wipes her face with her hand and turns around not saying anything.

 

 

Nick frowns at her actions. “Why are you crying? .... Stop crying.” Nick says lowly to Mandy and she turns around looking at him. “I hate it when people cry.” He says looking away and playing with his food. Nick hated when anyone cried, that was how he always found Mickey. He hated to see those tears; he didn’t even like it when he cried. But when did he would make sure to never cry again.

 

 

There was silence in the kitchen and Mandy had been wanting to ask Nick a few question ever since that night at the pier. “Can I ask you a question?” Mandy says all of a sudden. Nick nods his head in response. Mandy waits for a few moments before she broke the silence in the room. “When you told me that you were Mickey or whatever, when we were out at the pier since forever; you mention running away, fighting, the drugs, drinking and other shit. And being you since forever….I couldn’t help but think of when I was 17 teen and……. I had asked you … (She looks up at Nick and he was looking at her with his eyes wide.) I had told Mickey thank you. But he didn’t know what I was talking about…..(tears went down her face, but she kept eye contact with him) It was you wasn’t.”

 

 

Nick is silent and broke eye contact with Mandy, she continues to talk to him still looking at him “It was you who went after those guys…..It wasn’t Mickey was it…You found them and you beat the shit out of them for what they did to me.” Mandy says shivering at the memory.

 

 

  **The past** :

_17 years old and Mandy was out with a few of her friends from school. There was a house party that they all went to and Mandy was having fun. She was drinking with her friends and smoking with everyone at the party. Mandy was feeling nice and buzzed; one of the guys she recognized from school offered her a drink. She took it willingly and guzzled it down. She was dancing and having fun, then all of a sudden it goes black._

 

_It was all fuzzy to her; her head hurt. She felt a sting of pain and screamed. The guy from school who gave her the drink was on top of her. She tried to push him off and was screaming “GET THE FUCK OFF ME! HELP! HELP! FUCK SOME ONE HELP ME!” With the loud music no one heard her, but the boy above her slaps her in the face and held her down. Mandy tried her hardest to punch him and push him off again. She was weak and in pain, all she could do was cry and tell him to stop. Another pair of hands held her down with more force. There was another person in here with them. Mandy cried out louder hoping someone would hear her. She was hit again and one of the boys started to chock her. She tried to breathe, she tried to get his hands off her, yet still feeling the pain of ever thrust the other boy was doing to her. More tears came down her face and she prayed to god that someone would hear her or come find her. Then it went black again._

 

_When Mandy came to she was in the hospital and Collin was there on one side of the bed sitting down on the chair while Iggy was at the opposite side. Mickey was nowhere to be found. He had ran away a few days ago so no one saw him. When Mandy looked at where she was at and saw her brothers she started to cry. It woke up Collin and Iggy and when they went to go hold her she flinched away. She knew they didn’t do anything to her, that it wasn’t them, but with everything that happened to her. She didn’t want to be touched. After a few hours of crying and talking to the doctors, Mandy asked how did she get here. She told the doctors she didn’t remember much, just that when she was being raped she tried to fight both men off, but that she was dizzy and out of it. She was weak and it made her cry even more. The doctor said that someone from the party found her and called 911. Both boys were arrested and eventually made bail because their parents where well known high class assholes. That shit just fucking sucked. Mandy said she just remembers them hitting her, raping her, holding her down and what they were doing to her. She cried even more when she told the doctor along with Collin in the room that she passed out and that it went all black. She cried for days and it felt like she wanted to die, and just be alone. How can you go back from something that was taken from you?_

 

_Mandy let Collin hold her after a few days of being in the hospital and he told her everything will be okay. What Collin didn’t know was that it wouldn’t be okay. That eventually Mandy would end up suffering from PTSD due to her date rape. She would end up later on trying to take her own life that would land her in the hospital for a while._

 

_When Mandy had come home from the hospital a few days later after the doctors cleared her. Mandy found out that both boys that had raped her had been beaten up pretty badly by someone, both the boys refused to tell the tell police who did this to them. The Officers suspected the two older Milkovich siblings had done it, being that everyone thought Mickey still didn’t know because he had ran away again and was missing.  But there was no evidence that it was either Collin or Iggy that had beaten the boys up._

_Later on both boys were convicted and there was no trial. With the evidence that was collected, and their confession that they later on confessed to both raping Mandy; there was no need for a trial. It still didn’t help Mandy, she didn’t feel any better. She felt dirty and used. She blamed herself for being so stupid and taking that drink from the boy from her school. She felt worse for even going to that party. For just wanting to have fun, this was the price she paid. She felt like she deserved it to feel this pain._

 

_Mickey had been found and brought back home a few days after Mandy got home. Mandy kept to herself in her room not wanting to come out or talk to anyone. She barely ate and refused to leave the house. There was a knock on her door and Mickey came in, he looked at her and saw her sleeping or so she let him think. Mickey went up to his sister and brushed her cheeks and covered her up more. Then she heard him “It will be okay, I promise you Mendi. I made sure they regretted touching you…..you’re safe now, you’ll always be safe.” Then he got up and left the room. Mandy opened her eyes but said nothing and she just laid there in her bed._

 

 

Nick looks at Mandy again and nods his head. She breaks down and cries again, covering her face with her hands. Nick gets from his seat and went to Mandy. He hesitates at first but then says fuck it to himself and hugs her tight. He takes her hands away from her face and wipes the tears from her eyes. His facial expression was hard to read, but his eyes told it all. “We never told Mickey what happened to me….How did you know? Collin and Iggy didn’t want him to know… shit I didn’t want him to know.” Mandy says with tears coming down from her eyes.

 

 

“When they found me and brought back to fucking Collin’s, I notice that every time someone got near you, you jumped. I notice you barely ate, barely talked, and the bruises you had. Plus I overheard Collin talking to the hospital and saw the paper work in his room. I overheard him speaking to the police and what not.  So I found the guys since they were out on bail. I beat the shit out of them. They didn’t know it was me….plus no one should go through what you did.” Nick says silently to her. For a few moments the kitchen was silent and Nick was just holding Mandy. Then he breaks the silence.  “So you knew it was me? How?”

 

 

“That day you came in my, in my room and thought I was sleeping…but I wasn’t… I overheard what you said to me and I put it together. I figured that you found out and I knew it was you, so when I thanked Mickey, he asked what the fuck for. He was completely clueless. I just thought he was being an asshole.” Mandy says chuckling at the end as she spoke.

 

 

Nick pulled away and looked at Mandy and gave her a small smile. “You gonna finish making breakfast or what? Because I can’t cook for shit. I usually burn everything so.” Nick says and walks away to finish eating his food. Mandy laughs and calls him an asshole and he smiles at that. Maybe Mandy is a cool person Nick thought to himself, but he still didn’t trust the Milkovich siblings. But maybe Mandy could be his exception… Maybe? She did know what it was like to having something taken away from you. To have the one thing that is yours that you can give to anyone, to have it taken away from you in a heartbeat. But for now he rather keep his distance the way it is.

 

 

Ian walks down the stair case in the kitchen; he just came from behind Nick and hugs him. Nick smiles and looks at Ian and kisses him. Ian smiles at him and then looks up at Mandy and winks at her making her laugh. After eating, each of them all stood in watching movies and spending time with one another. Nick barely spoke and was to himself. Mandy tries to get him to talk but he didn’t really say much. She would take the win of him being there still with her and not leaving or kicking her out.

 

****************************

 

Soon enough weeks go by and Nick was warming up to Mandy, slowly but surely. She came over more and they would eat together if not joke around.  Nick would and tried to talk to her and he even showed her how to do his dance moves that he does at the club. Of course he didn’t want to at first, but Ian begged him to try with Mandy. Nick couldn’t say no to Ian so he did. That lead Mandy and Nick to talking about music and he would show her things he did and when he would DJ at the clubs. She was excited to learn and know all this about her brother. The other part of him that existed; Mandy talked about Iggy and Collin sometimes and Nick would not pay so much attention when she did. Mandy asked Nick one day why didn’t he care for Collin and Nick responded with “because he’s dick and thinks he can control ever fucking thing.” After that she never asked again.

 

 

It had been a couple of weeks now since Nick had been back, and Ian continues to see how Nick would be with his mood swings. Often he knew Nick would have a good day if he woke up okay with no bad dreams. However more and more times again and again Nick would wake up in a sweat. Sometimes he even would yell in his sleep and he started to sleep walk. One time Ian found Nick under the bed curled up with a blanket over him. He looked so innocent, but when he got up from sleeping he was in a piss shitty mood.

 

 

Ian thought it would be best to make an appointment with a doctor. He thought it would be best to contact Charlene behind Nicks back and see her input. She suggested that they both come in as a couple and sit and talk to her and see if she can help. He was cautious about that, but she informed him that she wasn’t going to do anything that Nick or him didn’t want her to do. He thought it best to tell Mandy and let her know about some of the things that were happening. He wanted to know if this had happened before in the past. Mandy said she could recall a few times that Mickey would be sleep walking, but the best person to remember would be Iggy or Collin. Ian immediately told her not to tell Collin or Iggy, but Mandy insisted she at least ask Iggy. When Ian agreed trusting Mandy would not tell Collin; Mandy came to Ian with Iggy.

 

 

Iggy told Ian and reminded Mandy, of the few times Mickey would sleep walk. Iggy told them both that sometimes Mickey would yell in his sleep, when they were still living with their father. He told Ian of the times Mickey would be hiding in the closet or under the bed curled up and it would be hours that no one could find him. How even when they moved away from the house and lived with Collin in the small apartment that Mickey would be aggressive and upset. Sometimes silent for days and would ignore everyone. Ian took in the information that Iggy told him and thought it was best to make the appointment with Dr. Jimenez.

 

 

So that brought us to why now Ian thought it was best to call Dr. Jimenez and make an appointment just so Nick and him can go see her if not her, then maybe another doctor. The dreams, the yelling, the isolation were getting not worse as Ian would put it; it was just that it wasn’t healthy for Nick at all. So Ian needed the perfect timing to tell Nick that he set up the appointment. What better way than after morning sex glow right?......Right? I hope so.

 

 

“FUCK FUCK FUCK!....mmmhm….shit Ian” Nick says breathless as he and Ian were climaxing together. Ian is biting down on Nicks shoulder as they were riding out their organism. Both men were coming down from their morning exercise as I would say it, and Ian thought it would be a perfect time to talk to Nick. More now than ever.

 

 

Ian is laughing and sitting up to get a pair of sweat pants on. He figured since Debbie had an early shift at the diner and no one is home, that it was best to tell Nick now and talk about what had been on his mind for a while (hence going to talk to a therapist or someone about his late night problems). “Hey, so I was wondering if we can talk about something.” Ian says to Nick.

 

 

Nick turns look at Ian from where he was at on the bed. “Sure whatever you want. With the way you woke me up this morning (Nick breathe in deep and exhaled out) we can talk about anything and everything. I say we should talk about using and investing in that toy I showed you.” Nick says and winks at Ian as he cleans himself up and is putting on some shorts.

 

 

Ian waits for a second and he hesitates to tell Nick what he wanted to tell him. Nick looks at Ian and saw that he is nervous. He sat up on the bed after putting on his shorts and motions for Ian to say something to him. “Come on spit it out red, what’s up?”  Nick says looking at Ian suspiciously.

 

 

Ian sighs heavily then spoke. “Promise you won’t get mad at me and will at least hear me out.”

 

 

Nick raises his eye brows at Ian and sits up a little more. “Depends on what the fuck you did?” Nick says looking at Ian who now crossed his arms looking at Nick and Nick did the same motion looking back at Ian “Ian what the fuck is up?”

 

 

Ian takes another deep breath in and “The thing is I made an appointment with you to see the therapist, and before you get mad at me. The only reason why I went ahead and made an appointment to see her was because every time I try to talk to you; you push me away or ignore me or isolate yourself, which by the way is not healthy at all. Plus you’re not talking to me! And when I bring anything up about your past or Mickey’s you push me away even more Nick. And I know it has something to do with the nightmares you wake up to, which you think I don’t notice but I do.  So that’s why I made the appointment, hoping that it can help you at least open up to me if no one else.” Ian says quickly taking in breath looking at Nick.  

 

 

Nick turns his head to look at Ian and squints his eyes. He gets up from the bed and tries to process what Ian just told him. Nick starts talking slowly looking at Ian hoping that he didn’t hear what he thought he just heard. “You made an appointment… for me (Nick points at himself) to see a therapist….” Ian nods yes at Nick in answering him, and Nick raises his eye brows up and tilts his head and gave Ian an evil smirk with a you have got to be fucking kidding look. “You seriously have got to be fucking kidding me! Ian what the FUCK!” Nick yells out and continues yelling at Ian “There’s no fucking way I’m going to see a fucking doctor! So what, so they can lock me the fuck up!”

 

 

“That’s not what she said she would do! She told me she would just help you to open up!” Ian yells back at Nick.

 

 

“She…SHE! SHE WHO IAN!” Nick shouts at Ian. When Ian didn’t answer him, Nick put two and two together “You have got to be fucking out of your red-headed fucking mind! There’s no way-No Fuckin Way I’m gonna see her! AND FUCK YOU!” Nick says walking out or the room. Just as he got out the door Ian grabs him by his arm and Nick shoves him away.  Ian sees the look hurt on Nicks face. “Who else did you tell Ian!? Because I sure as hell know you didn’t come up with this fucking idea on your own.”

 

 

“It was my idea okay, I talk to Mandy and she talks to Iggy and they both told me you’ve done this in the past, well not you Mickey or maybe it was you and not Mickey. But that’s beside the point, I was the one who thought it was best to call Dr. Jimenez and ask her if we both can go in and sit down and see if you can open up to me more. I didn’t mention about me asking about your past or nothing much more okay!?” Ian says to Nick, and Nick pushes Ian again up against the wall walking down in the room packing a bag full of clothes.

 

 

Nick is beyond pissed off, and yeah okay maybe he did ignore Ian when he asked about his past. Maybe he did push him away. But he had to; he had to protect Mickey and himself. That’s how it’s always been. No one can know about the past, at least not about the stuff they don’t know. Mickey can never learn about it, if he does then Nick is gone, more importantly Mickey would be gone… and Nick wouldn’t let that happen. No one hurts Mickey, Ever, not even him. Why the fuck can’t Ian see that? Of all people, Nick thought Ian knew this. Nick doesn’t say anything to Ian as he was talking to him. Nick shoves past Ian and ran down the stairs not wanting to look at Ian, or be near him at this point.

 

 

 “Nick, don’t push me away.” Ian pleads with him.

 

 

“Oh yeah why not asshole huh!? You think it’s just okay for you to go and talk to Mickey’s therapist and shit...shit Ian I know I fucked up I know I’m not the best, but FUCK! I know I push you away sometimes! But at least I always stood by your side and I didn’t fucking try and break you. For fuck sack Ian you talk to the doctor and not ME! Then you tell Iggy and fucking Mandy!? Are you fucking kidding me! SHIT!” Nick was furious, of all the people in the world how could Ian do this. Nick was getting some more of his things from the sala as they talked.

 

 

“Look I-“ Ian starts to explain, but then is cut off by Nick because he was beyond pissed off.

 

 

“No, explain why I shouldn’t knock your sorry fuckin ass out right now!” Nick yells at Ian.

 

 

“Now’s not the time Nick!” Ian spat back out at Nick

 

 

“Oh yeah so when is the time huh. Should I make a fuckin appointment with you! Or better yet! What fuckin time should I text you! You know so we can schedule it or so we can coordinate a fucking date IAN!  OH NO YOU ALREADY DID THAT DIDN’T YOU!” Nick shouts sarcastically at the end towards Ian.

 

 

“I’m sorry okay,” Ian says and looks so guilty and tired out. Nick saw in his eyes he was sorry, but that didn’t matter right now. What he felt was betrayal and he didn’t like this feeling. He couldn’t control this feeling, didn’t know how to control it.

 

 

“That all you got right now; Fuckin stall strategies Ian. Really?” Nick says and begins to take his bag and leave the house when Ian spoke out

 

 

“Nick, please! If you leave you know I gonna find your ass again, and I will drag you the fuck back here.” Ian says now in a more firm dominating tone of voice. He wasn’t about to let Nick go.

 

 

Nick turns around and looks at Ian. God, he is lucky he loves him. Ian was the only person for some reason that Nick gave into so easily, and he hated that shit “Fine…so start fucking talking and it better be good or I’m fuckin walking and don’t think for a fuckin’ second Ian that I won’t leave!”

 

 

“I don’t want to lose you, Nick, I….Nick am I going to lose you either way here?” Ian says looking at Nick scared, worried and almost defeated.

 

 

Nick wanted to tell Ian, no that he won’t lose him, but even a part of him didn’t know that. Even so Ian had no right to try and go behind his back and think it was okay to talk to Mickey therapist. No that shit hurt, if Nick needed help then he would find it, but Nick didn’t need help. He was the one who provided the help; he was the one who handled it all. Not Mickey, Not his doctors, not his siblings, and not even Ian. Nick was responsible for him and Mickey and all the other alters. “Well you know what Ian….. that’s just a fucking risk you’re gonna have to take.” Ian looks down in guilt but didn’t say anything. So Nick kept talking “What was the first thing that you remember about me when you first met me?”

 

 

Ian chuckled now “You huh, you wanted me to take you out…Then ah me and you, we fought and then you stole my wallet.” Ian says smiling at the memory of Nick that night and how he stole Ian’s wallet and car keys, of course, Nick didn’t get that far.

 

 

“Yeah, I like to take risk Ian and I don’t take shit from no one, especially not you! So if I have a problem then I’ll figure the shit out!” Nick says as he's looking Ian dead in the eyes.

 

 

“That’s what first got me attracted to you,” Ian says back looking at Nick now with more intensely.

 

 

“Then why the fuck would yah think that I didn’t want to get help huh? What the fuck can be so bad Ian that would make me say ‘hey I should call Mickeys therapist tell his brother and sister about Nick, and not tell Nick anything and see if he needed help IAN’!” Nick yells out.

 

 

That was when Ian snapped back at Nick because as many times as he tried to get him to open up and have Nick talk to him; knowing that full well he can trust him. Nick didn’t do that “Oooh okay, so you wanna play that game with me huh.” Nick looks and squints his eyes at Ian, he knew this was going to be one hell of a fight. “So why don’t you tell me what turned you into Nick? Why don’t you tell me!?  You know I’m your husband! That’s me Nick, the one person you’re supposed fucking trust and you can’t fucking tell me anything? … So what the happened!?”

 

 

“I didn’t turn in to Nick okay….I’ve fuckin never been anyone else but me Ian!…You; You of all people should know that. You of all people should understand that, but noooo apparently you fuckin don’t!” Nick says in a small voice that sounded hurt, because in a way he was hurt but he wasn’t going to show that to Ian or anybody else.

 

 

“Okay fine… you know I have a tendency for pushing. I get that…so whenever you’re ready Nick I know you’ll tell me. But would you at least try with me.” Nick is glaring at Ian, but Ian saw past that. “You can glare at me all you want Nick. I know you love me and I know you know I love you no matter what you tell me about your past. You’re real to me, to Debbie, shit even to Mandy Nick and that’s saying a lot and you know that. You see how she treats you like you and not like someone else…So it’s time for you to tell your story babe. I know you don’t want to tell anyone, but what about me….. Why won’t you tell me what you went through? You helped Mickey now let me help you. If you won’t tell no-one at least tell me!” Ian says pleading with Nick.

 

 

Nick was still glaring at Ian and refused to answer him. He looks away from Ian and said nothing. But Ian continues talking to him “Tell me why sometimes when you sleep at night you cry… or why when I bring up the subject of anything from your childhood you get all defensive and push me away. How I notice when we go to bed at night or when you come to bed you make sure all the doors are locked, more Important Debbie’s and our bedroom. You get up and you triple check it, making sure its lock. Or when you do cry in your sleep you curl up in a ball and hide under the bed sometimes. Or how –“ Ian was cut off

 

 

“SHUT UP!” Nick screams out with tears coming down his face and Ian felt like an ass now. He caused those tears to come out. “You don’t know shit,” Nick said weakly to Ian not meaning to.

 

 

“Then tell me! Please! I can see how it’s eating you up Nick why-“ Ian says then.

 

 

“Tell you what? Huh! Tell you how many times Mickey called for me and I came to him! ...Or How many times it felt like to be used like a fucking rag over and over again! Or How fuckin Mickey just bailed and left me to do everything and pick up all the pieces. Every single fucking piece I picked up IAN! I dealt with it Ian! ME! No one else did but ME! (Nick voice began to crack as he went on talking) Or how those men took my body and used it? Recorded it on video because they can, laughing at me, burning me, hitting me over and over again when I refused to do something. Or how that woman would dig her nails in me when she told me to do something and when I did she still fucking hit me and they all laughed Ian… All of them…..Or how I just took it because Mickey couldn’t take it. Because he wasn’t able to take it! How I’m fucking scared that once he’s strong enough that he will-” Nick says with tears in his eyes sobbing. He put his palms in his eyes to wipe away the tears.

 

 

Nick looks up at Ian as he now talks to him and says. “Or how like Mickey would leave you and get rid of you?” Ian asked softly to Nick. “Nick…no one is going to leave you or anything.” Ian says while walking up to Nick.

 

 

“……..You know when I wake up every day or go to bed with you….(Nick puts his head down and continues to talk) I just keep on hitting myself to make sure I’m still Nick… a-and that I’m still here with you, (he looks up at Ian) and that your still apart of my life. This life that we have; me and you; together.” Nick says and tilts his head to the side and looks down again. He felt worthless if he didn’t fight hard enough to stay here, and he somehow would end up being just another memory. A person who doesn’t deserve anything good in this life because he was created to protect, and that’s all he was. That’s all he thought until Ian step into his life and changed all that.

 

 

“You still don’t think that your worth something more don’t you? (Ian steps forward again and lifts Nicks head by his chin so he could look at him as he talked) You still think that you don’t deserve me, deserve us…. This and all that we have... After everything we’ve been through Nick really?” Ian goes and cup Nicks face and speaks to him softly. “I care about you so fucking much, and if I have to, I will show you every day how much I care about you okay.” When Nick didn’t say anything Ian continues to talk. “Whatever happened to opening up to me? To wanting me to know more about you or for wanting to open up to me? I know you feel that you have to protect yourself Nick….But who’s there to protect you if not me.” Ian says softly to him.

 

 

“Ian…. Sometimes I feel like I can’t beat him. I feel like I can’t beat Mickey….Sometimes I feel like I’m gonna lose and not see you ever again. That’s how I feel, that’s what I think about okay? What more do you want?!” Nick says to Ian, and Ian could tell he was exhausted and tired and just full of everything. Ian nods his head and held Nick close to him. They held each other for a while and decided to not go anywhere. Ian cancelled the appointment, and him and Nick laid in bed, in silence not talking, just in silence for the whole day.

 

 

You know sometimes they say that the ones we love are the ones who hide the most from everyone. Who hides the most from the ones they love. It not only protects the ones they love, but also protect themselves from the pain. You ever heard that saying that being deeply loved by someone give you strength, while loving someone deeply give you the courage. Well protecting the one you love and yourself is one sacrifice of a courage you must be willing to make.

 

**********************************************

 

The next morning Nick woke up a bit early. He wanted to surprise Ian with breakfast. Now we all know Nick can cook for shit, but then again it’s the thought that counts. Yeah let’s just say it’s the thought that counts.  Nick makes eggs and Bacon and toast, to at least the best of his abilities. He goes upstairs with the tray of food and places it on the dresser. He jumps up on Ian and is straddling him and kissing him as he Ian pretends to be asleep now. Ian opens his eyes and Nick just knew that he would spend the rest of his life looking at those eyes. “I made breakfast! And yes I did it all by myself so get up asshole and eat.” Nick says to Ian excitedly.

 

 

“Oh really okay; Okay I’m up. I’m up” Ian says placing his hands on Nicks' hips as Nick continues to straddle him and smile down at Ian like he is the fucking moon and sun.

 

 

“You gonna let me go or what, so we can eat?” Nick says playfully to Ian.

 

 

Ian smiles up at Nick and grabs him again and kisses him hard holding on tight to him. “I’ll never let you go.” Ian whispers into Nick's mouth and Nick just smiles at him. “I’m sorry,” Ian said looking at Nick.

 

 

Nick places his forehead on Ian's and shook his head no and kisses Ian gently this time. That is Nicks way of saying it was okay. He gets up off of Ian and goes and brings their food to bed and both men start eating and then a few moments later Nick spoke. “You know what would make this taste better huh?” Nick says with his mouth full of eggs and bacon.

 

 

“What?” Ian chuckles looking at Nick.

 

 

“ _It tasting better!_  ….Omg look at it!” Nick says laughing as he tried to chew on the burned bacon he cooked for him and Ian.

 

 

Ian is laughing at him. “Baby your cooking skills are awesome,” Ian says sarcastically and laughs even harder as Nick slaps his arm.

 

 

“I tried okay!” Nick whined out. “I failed and I suck at cooking,” Nick said and looks guilty. He wanted to make something nice for Ian, but he really couldn’t cook for shit.

 

 

“No you didn’t fail come here.” Ian says and kisses Nick. Ian looks at Nick with sad eyes. “I’m sorry about yesterday okay. I didn’t mean to make you feel hurt or anything, or push you. I didn’t mean to…I just want to protect you and I feel like I’m fucking that up and that I’m failing.” Ian says looking away

 

 

Nick grab Ian’s chin and makes him look at him. “Hey! Baby…you have done everything perfect. You’ve done what no one else could or ever do… You make me feel safe, and you make me strong and I love you. You make me feel alive and that me and you are gonna be together forever and ever and ever. And that not one fuckin person in this world or universe or galaxies far fucking away is ever gonna get in our way okay.” Nick says to Ian and Ian could see just how much Nick loves him to just even give him a second chance. Ian knew and had a feeling that as long as he didn’t push Nick so far, they will be okay. Just as long as Nick would be able to try or at least open up to Ian, but for some reason there is this nagging feeling that shit was about to real and fast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So be prepared for some sadness... sorry


	25. The Video that reveals it all

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this chapter is a bit more graphic as far as details. There are major triggers of sexual abuse. Not only that but I just want to say that if anyone gets up set or sad. I'm sorry. What I write is from real life events,whether its me or a friend of mines. Some of it I create, but life experience I'm sure you guys know what parts they are. Any way let me know what you think. Comment and express your thoughts. Also again I love your kudos and comment and it always helps me. So let me know what you think.
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks for still reading you guys. School has started but Im still going to update this and finish it. Just bare with me a little longer. xoxoxox

Chapter 25 The Video that reveals it all

 

It had been about a couple of months and there was no sign of Mickey at; none what so ever.  Colt was annoyed and was trying his hardest to find a way to reach Mickey. Whether it was going to Nick’s job, showing up at the Gallagher house, which he only did once because Ian had him arrested him and pressed charges of harassment against him. Ian would have done it himself but the whole personal interest thing was the reason why he couldn’t simply slam Colt to the floor and read him his rights.  Colt went as far as even trying to talk to Mandy, Iggy, and Collin, and Mickey’s doctor. Yeah, there were attempts to try and get Nick into a therapy session with Dr. Jimenez, but it never happened.

 

 

“I don’t believe this shit!  Your brother, my boyfriend is sick and you’re not worried about him being with a complete stranger?” Colt says to Mandy as she was in her office at work.

 

 

Mandy looks up from her computer and looks at Colt with a face. “He’s not with a stranger Colt, he’s with Ian and he’s fine. We know where he’s at; at least he hasn’t run away to a point where we don’t know where he’s at. We’ve tried to get Nick to go to therapy, and Collin as even tried to threaten him, but he’s married to Ian. Legally whether you like or not. So no-one can force that man to do anything he doesn’t want to do. Nick won’t budge, so we decided that when Mickey is ready he will come back, and Ian is not the kind of guy to keep him prisoner okay. So chill the fuck out! My brother’s okay, I know he is. I see him sometimes.” Mandy says and goes back to looking at the numbers she was crunching in.

 

 

Colt makes a face at Mandy. He had no idea that out of Collin and Iggy that was spending time with Nick and Ian.

 

 

Nick was trying to be nice as you would say to her and not completely write her off. Mandy knew it was because of Debbie and Ian that Nick wouldn’t say anything when she went over and hanged out with them. Or when Nick would go to work, she would be at the club listening to his music or getting drinks from him. At one point Nick told Mandy “bitch you know you have to pay for your drink right?” that made her laugh and from there they bickered at each other. There were a few times he would get smart with her and Ian had to calm them both down before they got into a fight. However, things were okay, to say the least. Some things Nick did, if not many things reminded her of Mickey. Like how she and Mickey would sometimes get into fights and bicker. It gave her some hope that maybe Nick would trust her enough one day. Or that maybe he would let Mickey come out, or that Mickey would come out and Mandy would be there.  It was a lot to try and hope for, to say the least. I mean Nick was here and Mickey wasn’t at the moment, plus just being around him made Mandy feel better.

 

 

“Don’t fucking give me that face. Nick’s my brother whether he is Mickey or Mickey is him or any other alter for that matter.” Mandy snaps at Colt before he could say anything to her.

 

 

“So if you’re hanging out with him, why don’t you trick him or some shit. We have to get Mickey back Mandy!” Colt says to her.

 

 

“You think I don’t know that? You think I don’t know that this is unhealthy for them. I know okay, but right now Nick is in control, and if spending time with him and getting to know him is as close as I can get to Mickey then so be it! He’s a person who has opinions, feelings, and I see that with Ian when he’s with him.” Mandy says to Colt

 

 

“Yeah but they are living a fantasy life, Mandy, ones that not even real or will be when Mickey is back,” Colt says back to Mandy.

 

 

“No Colt. What those two have, what they feel for each other. What they have has all to do with passion and pure love. It doesn’t get any more real than that. And the shitty thing about this is that it’s gonna fucking suck and break my heart to know that it won’t last for them.” Mandy says looking at Colt.

 

 

Colt looks at Mandy with a surprised expression on his face. “You prefer him with Mickey, don’t you? If Mickey comes back and gets well, you prefer Mickey with Ian verse me? ... Really Mandy! I’ve been with your brother longer, known him longer and I love him!” Colt says with his voice becomes slightly higher.

 

 

Mandy looks at Colt, and stand up from her desk and rose one eyebrow at him. “You know what! Yeah! I fucking prefer my brother with Ian, and do you wanna know why Colt?” Colt is glaring at Mandy, but he knew better than to piss her off by saying something stupid. Especially after the last time he did that, she knocked his ass out. “Because for the first time in a long time since forever, I see my brother smile like Ian’s fucking god! I hear him laugh like it’s real and not fake. And dare I say it, but I see him love him. It might not be Mickey and it might be Nick. But once Mickey’s integrated a part of him will love Ian or at least care for him more than anything.  _Unlike_  you; you stupid fuck! You refused to except Mickey’s illness and just fucking leave him when he needed you! Plus, not only causes him to split again because of your stupid bullshit! But if you honestly loved my brother as you so call say you do. You would love him no matter what and be patient with him. Which is clearly something you fucking lack!... (Mandy’s voice changes from evil to downright deadly) So what you’re gonna do right now before I lose more of my temper. So, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY OFFICE!” Mandy shouts at Colt and sits right back down in her chair not paying any mind to him.

 

 

Colt storms out of her office and left the building; he was beyond pissed. He hated Mandy; they never got along for shit. It was complete bullshit in his eyes and he hated Mandy even more now especially for not forcing Nick into a psychiatric ward. None of the Milkovich siblings tried, just because Nick was married to Ian. To Colt it didn’t make it legal, Nick was the one who married Ian, not Mickey. This was utter bullshit and it had to be wrong or something. What about him and how this was making him feel, and how it affects his relationship with Mickey. Those were the only things that were on Colts mind, and somehow he had to figure this out and get Mickey back one way or another. Colt felt like he knew Mickey, and he knew he would want to come back out and get better because he had to.  And when Mickey did come back out, Colt would be waiting to give him something that he knows will seal the deal with him and Mickey. Kicking Ian out of their lives for good! This was just fucked up to him.

 

*************************

 

“This is bullshit man! Why did I agree to this shit again.” Nick said slightly upset looking at Ian now.

 

 

“Because you and Mandy were playing cards; and as usually you decided to gamble and think you were the shit and lost. So her winning prize was for us to have dinner with her, Iggy and Collin.” Ian says to Nick. Nick and Ian had a little argument of how Mandy wasn’t so bad, which ended with Nick telling Ian to kiss his ass and Ian actually trying to do it, making a joke out of the whole thing.  But besides that family was important to Ian, even though his had drifted apart, he still had Debbie; Ian wanted Nick to care about Mandy as well as much as she cared about him.

 

 

“That bitch cheated I know she did! The only reason she won was because she had to be fucking stashing cards somewhere on her! Or she fucking counting them I bet.” Nick argues back as he makes his way to their bedroom exhausted from playing music at the club tonight. When Ian got off his shift, he came home to Nick laid out on the sofa half naked. What a sight that was.

 

 

“Nick that’s you who counts cards! It’s also the fucking reason why I don’t play blackjack with your ass.” Ian says shaking his head as he made his way to their bedroom and was now laying down next to Nick.

 

 

Nick turns his head to look at Ian with smiles and then gives him a serious face. “Yeah but we were playing fucking poker and I bet you, (Nick pokes Ian as he says) you fucking helped her cheat you trader!” Nick says shoving Ian almost making him fall off the bed.

 

 

Ian tackles Nick on the bed and both men begin to tumble around trying to pin each other down. It was Ian who won, but only because Nick let him win. At least that’s what Nick would tell anyone if they ever asked. “You know damn well that I didn’t help her out. You’re just mad that she beat your ass. Plus…she really wants to have like, a family dinner thing okay.” Ian simply says to Nick.

 

 

“Yeah, but I can’t stand Collin Ian. I just… I don’t want to see him.” Nick says looking away from Ian not wanting to talk about the subject.

 

 

Ian looks down at Nick biting his lips then says “Can I ask you something?”

 

 

Nick looks at Ian. “Depends. Is it a stupid fuckin question?” Nick says humorously at Ian.

 

 

“No, you jackass! I wanted to know why you hate Collin so much.” Ian asked

 

 

Nick sits up on his elbow and looks at Ian who was straddling him. “Because Collin’s a dick. He thinks he knows it all. Like he can fuckin run me or Mickey or some shit. He so calls claims to love Mickey and me but that’s all full of bullshit, because if he really cared and loved Mickey then he would have never-“  that was when Nick cut himself off and sat up more moving Ian off of him.

 

 

The tension in the room was there and there was no going back. Ian took a chance. “He would have never what Nick?” Ian asked and Nick was just sitting up looking down at his hands.

 

 

“Never mind alright, forget I said anything,” Nick said and attempted to move and leave the room but Ian grabs him and turns him around making the younger man look at him.

 

 

“No!” Ian said firmly. “Tell me… he never what Nick.” Ian says to him softly wrapping his arms around Nick and leaning their foreheads against each other.

 

 

Nick shook his head not looking at Ian and closed his eyes. “I don’t want to Ian…I can’t please don’t.” Nick says in a whisper. Nick remembers that day; the time Mickey went into Collins room and Collin kicked him out because he was mad. The time when he even tried to go to Collin’s room and Collin kicked him out.  Collin always told Mickey he would protect him, but he didn’t. Nick hated Collin for letting what happen to them, happen.

 

 

Ian didn’t push, not since there last fight. He knew when it was time Nick would open up and would tell him. He didn’t care how long it took; he just grabs Nick and hugs him close. Nick held on to him tightly not wanting to let go. They stood there for a while until Nick pulls away from Ian and kisses him instantly. The kiss is roughly, and Ian opens his mouth to let Nick slip his tongue into his mouth. Ian moans into Nick’s mouth and he was gone from there. Nick walks Ian back to the bed and when the back of Ian’s legs hit the bed Nick broke the kiss and pushes Ian on the bed gently.

 

 

Nick lowers himself down onto Ian, removing his boxers quickly and took Ian’s half hard cock into his mouth and starts to suck on it. Ian stirs under Nick and moans. Nick releases Ian from his mouth and starts to kiss Ian’s body as he went up from his thighs to his abs slowly, and up to his chest.  Then he plants a firm kiss on Ian’s lips that had Ian smiling as Nick pulls away. Nick held Ian’s hands above his head as he continues to kiss Ian again. Then he sits up and positions himself above Ian's hard on, and slowly lowers himself on to Ian. He didn’t need any prepping since he had taken a shower and prep himself ready for Ian tonight before Ian got home. He places his hands on Ian’s chest and started to ride him slowly, and Ian automatically brought his hands to Nick’s hips. Nick is at a nice slow pace moving his hips and looking down at Ian with hooded eyes. He starts to pick up the pace a little bit more, and he is moaning more loudly than Ian is now.

 

 

Nick is riding Ian hard and harder. Ian is moaning louder and praising Nick for how good he is to him. Nick slams down on to Ian cock and begins to grind down on to him. He rotates his hips over and over again and then he hit his sweet spot. Nick gasps out and starts mutter words to Ian that he couldn’t make out, the only words Ian heard were “yes” over and over again coming from Nick. Ian starts to thrust up into Nick. The sensation was too good that Nicks grinding down more as Ian thrust up on to him, to a point where Nick stops moving and Ian took over and kept thrusting up into him. Nick kept one hand on Ian’s chest as he grabs himself and starts to jerk himself off. In a matter of seconds, Nick is cumming all over Ian’s chest and his hand. Ian still hadn’t come yet, so he flips Nick over on to his side and brought his right leg up over his shoulder and is thrusting into him deep and deeper at this new angle.

 

 

Nick starts to become more vocal as Ian kept on thrusting into him. He’s now more sensitive, and Ian kept hitting that same spot over and over again “IAN FUCK! F-FUCK!” Nick whines out in pleasure with a high pitch voice that he would never admit to doing. Ian loves it when Nick is vocal in bed, so he keeps on moving his hips ramming into Nick more deeper and harder. Nicks body is over stimulated and he becomes hard again of course. He felt like he was about to pass out and he was talking incoherently as Ian keeps on fucking him. After 3 more thrust into Nick, Ian was cumming inside of Nick so hard and deep that he didn’t even notice that Nick came again untouched at the same time as he arched his back up.

 

 

Once they were able to catch their breath, both men went into the bathroom and took a shower. It was in there that Nick broke the silence. “Collin always told Mickey he would protect him.” Nick says lowly, but enough for Ian to hear him.

 

 

Ian turns around in the shower and looks at Nick. “What?” he simply says to him. He wanted to make sure he heard him correctly.

 

 

Nick looks up at Ian then looks away and got under the water in the shower. “Collin. You asked me earlier why I can’t fucking stand him and that’s why.  He lied to Mickey and told him he would always protect him… That was a fucking lie.” Nick says while looking down at the floor and letting the water hit his back. He honestly didn’t want to go further into the conversation and had a feeling Ian would ask. So instead he went ahead and continue on talking, so Ian didn’t ask anything. “Collin was upset that his father hit him. He beat the shit out of him actually from what I remember and saw. Mickey went into the room because he was scared, and he kicked him out yelling at him…..When I got to Mickey he was so scared, so fucking frighten and hurt. A few times I tried to go to Collin, but he would kick me out as well. If he was not mad or if he was, he still kicked us out.” Nick says.

 

 

After a few seconds, Nick continues to talk “I had to be the one to protect Mickey because no one else would….He’s always had me and no-one else.” Nick says and turns off the water while stepping out of the shower and grabbing the towel to dry himself off. He tosses another towel to Ian so he can get out, but doesn’t look at him.

 

 

Ian is quiet, he didn’t want to say anything that may be wrong. It looked like Nick was already upset from telling Ian the little bit of information he did. Both men went into their bedroom and Nick locks the door. They got dressed and laid in bed not saying a word. Nick was actually thankful that Ian didn’t say a word, and Ian felt like that there were no words to be said really. While in bed Ian just brought Nick closer to him and held him tight. Not saying a word still, and just holding him, but before Nick could fall asleep he hears Ian whisper to him. “I love you.”

 

************************************

 

During the past couple of months, even though Collin knew where Mickey was at. He, Leah, and Iggy had been talking to Dr. Charlene Jimenez about a different method to approach Nick in regards to integration. Charlene wanted Mickey and his alters to integrate in a healthy manner, but it was becoming difficult without Nick’s corporation. Nick resisting meant that Mickey himself was not ready to face his past and deal with anything and that was making things harder.  However, Charlene had access to Mickey/Nick files from the Police station. Captain David had given her access and express it was a closed case but due to certain events involving such manners that the Milkovich siblings were facing she was granted access with a court order that she obtained legally.

 

 

The Files, along with the DVDs; Captain David gave to Charlene were in her possession and she was going over them. Captain David helped her out and together they went over them trying to see if there was a way to find the first time Nick appeared out in the video. It was also to see if she thought that any of these files or video would be a benefit for Mickey to see or read. The search for the DVD videos with the files should have been easy right. No, it wasn’t. Most of the DVDs were too damaged and some were not so damaged. So when they played them and reviewed them, Charlene and David labeled what they could and put them in categories of age. It made them sick and sad if they were being honest with anyone, to see what was on these DVDs. The files Charlene reviewed gave her an insight as to what was on the other DVDs and video cassette tapes that they were not able to review due that were damaged.

 

 

As long as Captain David has been a cop, it was always still sickening to him on how people like this can do things to children, woman, and even men.  Charlene felt the same way, no matter how long she has been in her profession of work it never got easy. Dealing with Individuals with a mental disorder and knowing how some of these individuals develop such disorders due to trauma such as this pained her. Reading and seeing things like this would affect anyone’s psyche mentally and emotionally.

 

 

They got through a bunch of files, and some of the DVDs that were labeled in estimated of age from 5 to 14 years. Charlene marked files and DVDs down in categories. Red is a bad level of abuse and Yellow being a low level of bad of the abuse. There were 2 small boxes left to look at and one box stuck out to Captain David.   ** _M. Milkovich/Evidence!_**  Captain David opens it and in it were two DVDs along with more pictures and case files. It looks like this was one of the boxes that never got looked over very well. Back then Captain David did his best to be a great detective, but even then his partner was okay but wasn’t the best. Once the case was given to them, all the people that were involved in this criminal act all took a plea deals instead of being prosecuted. Either they got 25 or 35 to life without the possibility of parole, or life imprison. A lot of the evidence didn’t get categories and was put in boxes and placed in evidence locker like so.

 

 

Taking out the pictures and case files Charlene was reading, she noted the house that the Milkovich siblings lived at. The address area was familiar so she made note of it. Captain David grabs both DVD’s in the box and examines it. The First DVD was damaged and cracked, the second one had some scratches on it, but it looks like it can play. They both had Mick/Nick on them. David went ahead and put the DVD in the player….And what both he and Charlene saw and heard put them in shock even more. And if Charlene’s gut was right, then this was the one DVD that was the first; the original one and the first video of both Mickey and Nick.

 

***********************

 

With the new information Charlene gathered, she felt it was best to let the Siblings know what she found. Even though Mickey is her patient, he was going to need all the support he can get. In addition to that, this was going to be another attempt at trying to help Mickey integrate, by showing him the DVD and letting him know everything. But it had to be done in a delicate manner and not forced or thrown upon him. Hopefully, by Mickey viewing the DVD, this would help him and Nick integration and they can begin to heal. The one thing that bothered her was that; was Mickey ready to see the video or videos? Was he even capable of seeing this or part of it? Would he be able to willing accept and remember his past? Basically, Mickey had to do this and had to be the one to be strong enough to fight and not use Nick as his fail-safe. Not using Nick, meant he can start to heal and start to deal with his past, but using Nick was always Mickeys default to fighting his battle.

 

 

Charlene along with Collin, Mandy, and Iggy were all sitting in the sala in Collin and Leah’s house that they had in Chicago.  Leah was back in New York, but Collin was still keeping her in the loop of things.  Charlene had explained the circumstances of the meeting and gave the Milkovich siblings her findings of what she and David found. She explained to them it was only a matter of time and patience in waiting for Mickey to want to come back.  More like be ready to come back; once he does, then they can start therapy immediately and slowly give Mickey details of his past that he has buried deep down in his mind. After that, she wants to eventually show him the video.  Showing Mickey this video; the Milkovich siblings knew it would be a start to a long process of integration. To where Mickey would have to be willing and enable himself to remember everything of what happened to him as a child.

 

 

However, it was a gamble and yet they all knew that. They knew it would be a more likely higher percentage change that Mickey would lean towards Nick for help. And that would definitely set his mental stability back even more. Possibly even causing Nick too permanently remain here longer. However this was a choice that Mickey had to make on his own, he has to prepare his mind and that was something Mickey had to do on his own. Until then, the only thing Mandy, Iggy, and Collin can do and hope for is that no-one in the processes gets hurt.

 

*****************************

 

Charlene had left a copy of the DVD with Collin, Mandy, and Iggy; the reason for this is because she wanted them to really understand what their brother was facing. Not just this video but the demons he behinds in his mind that lead Nick to deal with the problem. She wants them and needs them to understand that this happened to Mickey, but his alter was the one who took the pain and suffering for him. Making Nicks bond to Mickey, very strong and very willing to fight back at all cost. She wants them to understand and know that it was Nick who dealt with this in his mental state, not Mickey in a way.  That is why they had to see it for themselves, she wasn’t sure if she should leave it with them at first. But maybe for them to face the reality of it all, and for them to get an actual grasp of the real picture, which Mickey is going to be facing soon. Not only that, but maybe it would help them as well to come to term with the emotional strain she knew they had over the guilt of letting this happen to their baby brother. Charlene just hopes that the 3 older Milkovich siblings can be strong enough for Mickey, and know that it was not their fault that this happened to him. That none of them were to be blame for this and for what’s to come in the effects of the aftermath.

 

 

When Charlene left and handed Collin a copy of the DVD, she hugged him and told him it will be alright. He had been talking too her recently about his guilt and his worries over everything. How it just didn’t feel like this was real to him. As if he would wake up from a really fucked up dream.  When he closed the door and turned around, he notice the time from the clock on the wall. Ian and Nick were due to come by in a few hours to have dinner and spend time with them. Collin had some hope, but Mandy told him Nick still wasn’t fond of him, but if this dinner meant he got to see his brother and be around him then so be it.

 

***********************

 

Ian and Nick were laying down in bed just cuddling, Nick could feel Ian smiling behind his neck as Ian presses kisses on him. Nick turns around and looks at Ian and smiles “morning” he says lowly yet fondly to Ian.

 

 

“Morning.” Ian says and kisses Nick slowly and after a few minutes he pulls away looking at Nick who was now making patterns on Ian’s chest with his fingers. “What are you think about?” Ian asked him.

 

 

Nick stops what he was doing and looks up at Ian. He gives him a small smile “Being here, us together” Nick sighs turns around and looks outside the window to wear the backyard is and smiles. “I’m just thinkin about how I don’t wanna go to Collin’s place and see him or Iggy, or Mandy today….I don’t know. I’m happy here with you Ian.” Nick says and holds Ians hands that’s wraps around him tightly.

 

 

Ian hummed at him and then gets up on one of his elbow and turns Nick around and kisses him. Nick smiles and pulls away.  “To all that you are and always will be…I love you.” Ian says to Nick

 

 

Nick smiles at Ian “…hmmm this should be fun today.” Nick says sarcastically “Different fun I bet.” And laughs

 

Ian smiles at him and sit up and his face changes from a smile to a serious look. “Yup a whole other experience right. Our own adventure if you will.” Ian says then smiling fondly at Nick.

 

 

Nick shakes his head and sits up and kisses Ian quickly but only says “yeah…you know I’m glad I get to spend the rest of my life with you” Nick says and kisses Ian again.

 

 

Both men get up from their rooms and go take a shower, its late in the afternoon so they slept through breakfast and a little past the afternoon. Ian makes him and Nick a sandwich since they have to leave in a few hours to Collins house for “Family Dinner”. Ian texts Debbie the address and she tells them that she will meet them there after she gets out of school; she was off from work today since school ran late in the evening for her.  Both men decided to clean up and lounge around for a bit before they had to get dressed and get ready to go.  So as soon as the clock turned 5 they would be out the door and headed towards Collin’s by 6pm. But till then, they might as well have some FUN! ^_^

 

 

**************************

 

Collin is in the sala looking at the DVD in his hand, while Iggy and Mandy prepare dinner. Iggy walks in the room and says to Collin “Are we gonna watch that? Because honestly I don’t know if I can Collin…..” There was silence in the room and none of the men spoke to each other as they looked at Each other.

 

 

It was then that the silence was broking when Collin spoke in a low voice “…I don’t know Ig’s….I just…” Collin took a deep breath in and sighed rubbing his face with his right hand as he had the DVD clutched in his left hand.

 

 

Mandy had been watching them from the door way of the sala, it was then that she cleared her throat and both brothers looked at her. “We should watch it…..get it over with and prepare ourselves for either outcome…good or bad…whether we loss Mickey or not I need to know what those fuckers did to my brother that made him like this.”  Mandy walks in the room and looks at Iggy and Collin “You guys sure you wanna do this, because once we do, then we’ll know exactly what Mick went through for years. Not just by hear of words but by seeing, physically.”

 

 

Iggy looks at Mandy and nods his head; he had fear in his eyes and sadness. Collin was the one who spoke “We have to…as much as I know we all don’t (he stops talking and looks away from Mandy and Iggy)… If this is….if it’s the only way that we can help Mickey. Then we have to, we have to know.” Collin finally says to his brother and sister.

 

 

Mandy takes the DVD from Collin’s hand and walks over to the DVD player that is already turned on. She inserts the DVD into the player and all three siblings sit down in on the autumn and look at the screen. Collin is holding the remote to press play but is hesitant to do it. Iggy sitting in the middle grabs the remote from Collin with his right side and holds his brothers hand, while Mandy holds on to his arm on his left side. He presses play and they sit and wait.

 

 

The screen goes to a young Mickey sitting on the bed. He’s wearing a small white wife beater and shorts. He has no socks or shoes on. He’s being told to look at the tape by someone, so he does.

 

 

The man in the video appears, but you can’t see all of his face, only part of it. The man then asked Mickey “Tell everybody what your name is?”

 

 

“Nick” Nick says to the man

 

 

“But that’s not your name? Your name is Mickey right. That what you and your dad said.” The man said to little Nick.

 

 

“No. Its Nick, I’m Nick.” Nick said glaring at the man.

 

 

“Well okay Nick; were gonna play a game and make a video this time just like you did before you remember? (Nick nods his head slowly and he’s making a frown) Except it’s going to be with me. I won’t be behind the camera like before.” The man said to Nick looking down at him as Nick looks up at him.

 

 

Nick stood looking at the man whose back was facing the camera now. He places his hand on Nick head and then grabs his face and kissed him. Nick tried to pull away but was smack on the face. He didn’t cry. He just held his face. He looked at the floor and looked back up at the man glaring at him.

 

 

Mandy puts her hands to her mouth trying not to cry out and Iggy is crying silently along with Collin. But Collin’s eyes look murderous as he is looking at what is happening in the tapes.

 

 

The camera zooms out and you see Nick on the bed sitting up against the wall staring at the man as he places his hand on Nicks’ leg. Nick has no short on and the man goes and takes Nick white beater off and throws it on the side. What he does next is place his hand on Nicks leg and from there things get hard to see. The man was touching Mickeys chest and everywhere all over his body. Mandy, Iggy, and Collin are still staring at the video that is being played in front of them, but it’s getting harder and harder to watch. They see Mick/Nick turn his head away from the camera, but the man in the bed forces Nick to look at the camera. You can tell he’s was gripping Nicks head hard and pressing down on the bed. What happened next made all three Milkovich siblings gasp in for air as they saw their brother be a product of child molestation.  As Collin looks at the video and is seeing what was happening in front of his own eyes. He felt sick, he felt guilty, he felt like he failed his little brother! But even more….he failed to keep him safe and keep the promise he made to his mother so many years ago.

 

 

Everything shut down in Collin, he can’t bare to hear the cries in the video, he can’t bare to hear Nick cry out “please stop”, he can’t bare to see his little brother face in pain and see the angry in his eyes. He just can’t fucking bare it. The emptiness as he looks so innocent. No child should have to go through that….no child at all.

 

 

Collin then gets up and grabs the closes vase near him and throws it across the room. It breaks on impact and the glass shatters everywhere on to the floor. He has tears in his eyes and he’s gripping his head trying not to cry more. He can’t look at it anymore the video, everything. It makes him sick; but he does, he cries and bends down over tries to breath in and out calming his self-down.

 

 

Iggy and Mandy hold each other close as they see and hear their little brother begging for the man to stop doing what he’s doing. It’s too much for them to watch and Iggy just closes his eyes and tries so hard to drain out the noise of the cries. It was Mandy who took the remote and stops the DVD. She throws it down on the floor and then breaks down and cries.  She cries so hard, harder than she ever did in her life. Iggy grabs her and holds her as she cries and repeats the words over and over again “no-no-.no-no-no…why….why him?” Mandy cries out. She barely understandable at this state, but she can’t help it.

 

Seeing Mickey go through that and it wasn’t even Mickey it was Nick. He went through the pain, that torcher and it wasn’t just one time, it was more than once. This was one video of many and they knew. They were to blame for not looking out for their brother, and that is what she felt. That as his older sister it was her job, it was all three of their jobs; hers, Iggy, and Collins were supposed to look after each other and make sure they were protected and safe.

 

But that didn’t happen now did it…..

 

 

Iggy whispers to her “I don’t know Mandy…..I don’t know” As he cries and holds her tight, trying hard not to break down as she did. Right now she needs him more than ever. Right now someone needs to be strong for all of them, Mickey more importantly. Collin came over and kneeled down in front of them and holds both his siblings tight. That was when Iggy just broke down in tears and couldn’t hold it in anymore. His big brother was there with his little sister holding them. Keeping them safe, but guilt hit him as no one was there to keep Mickey safe.

 

 

Why wasn’t anyone there to protect him, to protect him from the monsters?

 

 

After a few moments of realization hit them hard, Mandy, Iggy, and Collin stood in the sala staring at each other. They didn’t know what to say, but they all felt the pain. The pain of guilt, the pain of sadness, the pain of anger taking over them as reality hit them of just how cruel this world really was. And what it was like to see a form of evil up close as that. What their little brother experienced, was beyond monstrous. It was just evil and horrible that not even words could ever describe. For a while they stayed in silence but it was Mandy who broke the silence the room.

 

 

“I can’t believe this shit. Our brother had to go through that! It wasn’t even him it was Nick.” Mandy says with even more tears down her face “How could Terry do that to him. How could he do that and let those men do that?  …. Why would he do that? .... Why Mickey? What did he do to deserve that!” She shouts out saying as she gasps for air trying to breath steady.

 

 

“I don’t know? But we had to watch that video and know. Terry might have not been the one to do anything physically to him, but he started this….he let this happen… Fuck (he said in a lowly) I let this happen.” Collin says to Mandy and Iggy. “Leah and Charlene said that Nick is going to fight like hell if he finds out we have that video or if we know exactly what is on. So we have to hide it, especially if that was the first time it happened. But Charlene said there was another one that was too damaged and unmarked….she said that…um Captain David is trying to have his people recover the video on the other DVD…. She said that David said that this was one of the videos they never got to mark, and that um…it was in evidence box…. But the date on them and everything shows that; (Collin breath in heavy and exhales out) that was the video…..maybe or maybe not the first one.” Collin says and it made him feel sick.

 

 

Iggy was still in silence and couldn’t put words together. He just went up to Mandy and Collin and hugs them close again. He needs his sibling’s strength because this wasn’t going to be easy for Mickey once he learns about this. “You guys have to be strong; we have to be strong for Mickey now and Nick.” Iggy says now and steps away from his brother and sister. “No one, and I mean no one should have to go through that, and he did. I didn’t protect him when I was supposed to!” Iggy says as his voice broke at the end.

 

 

“None of us did Ig’s. What’s worse is that it happened and we didn’t notice. How many times did Mickey come in our room crying because he said something hurt or how we saw bruises on him and we thought it was because he was accident preboned or that Terry got mad and fucking wailed on him like he did with us? Or how many times did he look at us, with those same eyes in the video. How many times was it Nick asking if he could stay with us in our room or if we could stay up with him and play and we just brushed him off like nothing…..God no wonder why he hates us, no wonder why he hates me!” Collin says putting his hands to his face and wiping his eyes at the memories of many times when Mickey would come to him in his room and ask him to stay in there with him. Or when Mickey would be quiet for days and not speak to anyone. He just thought it was Mickey being a brat and wanted to get his way. He had no idea what was happening.

 

 

“It was Nick who had to endure it. He was beaten…used as an object over and over again... Taken advantage of and it was Nick that had to go through it.” Mandy says as she’s looking off at the wall. There was a silent moment for a while, as the siblings look at each other with tears in their eyes; Mandy then continues to talk “He took that pain of horror… all so Mickey couldn’t deal with it….And nobody, ever showed him that he deserved anything better….  Nobody but Ian, and I don’t know about you guys…But I’m happy Nick and Mickey have Ian.” Mandy says while wiping her face.

 

 

“Yeah….(Iggy breathed out) Ian showed him that there are good people in this world…That there is love and trust and hope; and Ian showed that to Nick. So at least Ian gave him some joy and happiness at least…at least he gave him love.” Iggy says looking down at his hands and letting the tears roll down his cheek. Not caring to wipe them away because he was mental tired of it all. To know and physically see what his little brother had to do in order to deal with the trauma of being a child of rape, of molestation, a victim of the innocents… a victim at the hands of evil. What would you feel?

 

 

“yeah… I’m grateful for him for that.” Collin says and looks back at a picture of his brother and Ian that Mandy gave him. “I’m grateful Nick as Ian.” Collin says.

 

********************

When it’s time to head to Collin’s house Ian texts Mandy and she replies back saying she’s excited and is cooking Dinner. She reminded Ian to text her when they got there so she can have everything ready. She thanked him again and Ian told her no problem. Both men headed out to the car; however Nick was still reluctant to go ahead and do this whole dinner thing. He had a bad feeling about it for some reason.

 

Nick looks at Ian before they get into the car to head to Collins place. “Look I’m not ready to deal with Collin and Iggy or Mandy right now. The way that Collin and Iggy will fuckin look at me Ian;  Man I know it’s like their gonna be fuckin disappointed I’m Not Mickey. I know there gonna look at me and wish I was Mickey….” Nick says and Ian looks at Nick and gives him a look of ‘no they won’t’. Nick just looks at Ian and rolls his eyes at him. “I just want to relax before we have this get together that you’re making be there for.” Nick says

 

 

Nick was about to go inside the car when Ian stops him. “Hey your brothers and sister have been pretty okay lately alright…Iggy’s visit me at the station and we’ve talked and he seems pretty okay. And he asks about you all the time. Plus they haven’t been pushing and I’m sure your brothers have accepted that you’re Nick at the moment. Just cut them some slack okay…Plus Mandy doesn’t look at you like that, and you know it.” Ian says to Nick.

 

 

Nick looks at Ian with a ‘really face’ “yeah right okay.” Nick says and gives in. It was true that Mandy did look at Nick like he was a person and hadn’t given him a look of pity and wishful thinking. But Nick didn’t trust Collin or Iggy and he still didn’t trust Mandy for anything and was still not sure he wanted to do this there at Collin’s place. What if they like ambushed him and this was all some sort of trick. It was a bit overwhelming but Nick refuses to go down without a fight.

 

 

Ian must have sense this because he steps closer to Nick. “Hey I’m not gonna let anyone hurt you okay. We agreed to hang out so they can see who you are alright. Get to know their brother, you. Even if you say there not your siblings, they want to know you…so that has to count for something right?” Ian says and goes to kiss Nick, who willing excepts the kiss.

 

 

Nick looks at Ian then out of nowhere says “I’m odd aren’t I? (Ian looks at him with confusion but Nick continues to talk) I mean that would be the perfect word to use on a person like me right? Or maybe eccentric is a better word yeah? I mean I’m an alter that’s stuck in someone else’s mind. Created for disaster really.”

 

 

Ian looks at Nick and shakes his head. “Nah you were created for me and only me. It was like destiny or something.” Ian says and smiles at Nick

 

 

Nick laughs “Nice one Gallagher. Really smooth there.”

 

 

Ian looks at Nick with a fake shocked expression “What? Oh Come on Milkovich you know it’s true.”

 

 

Nick tilts his head to the left side and smiles at Ian “You’re good I’d give you that, but you know I’m a just some-some guy that’s squatting here okay… I mean the first time we met I tried to pick you up and literally sell myself to you- and for free might I add. Then we fought, then I stole your wallet and your car, then we had sex. Amazing sex might I just add. But I’m different, unpredictable, a loud mouth, and outright reckless, and you think in your brilliant smart mind of yours that “yeah I’ve got the right fucking guy. He’s amazing, he’s awesome, and different”; and turns out that hey he’s fucking crazy all together!” Nick says sarcastically to Ian.

 

 

“No” Ian immediately says cutting off Nick

 

 

Nick sighs “Ian come on man….You’re in love with an alter you married an alter. Why don’t I just save you’re the trouble and-“

 

 

Ian kisses Nick hard cutting him off as he spoke. He pulls away and looks at Nick “I’m in love with you, you fucking idiot. The most outrageous, downright pain in my ass; who’s not only fucking handsome and has a great ass by the way-but is also the love of my life…and you’re the most amazing perfect person I’ve ever met.”

 

 

Nick looks at Ian for a few moments then spoke. “You know….I think you’re the crazy one in this relationship and I’m the one that’s more sane then you.” Nick says with a smile.

 

 

“Fuck you okay…I’m crazy in love with you.” Ian says laughing.

 

 

“Was that a Beyoncé reference?” Nick says jokingly as grabs Ian and leans him up against the car and kisses him.

 

 

Ian looks at Nick breathless and notices Nick is nervous even more than so, but he’s hiding; and hiding it well. “Hey…close your eyes and relax okay.” Nick does as he’s told and looks at Ian again “How are you feeling right now?” Ian asked him

 

 

“I feel happy, safe and strong with you here right now.” Nick says to Ian

 

 

“See nothing to be worried about? I got you, I promised you didn’t I? You and me verse the world.” Ian says to Nick and lets him go so they can get in the car and drive off.

 

 

Once they’re in the car and driving towards Collin’s place they notice it was a similar building like Mickey’s. It’s a nice fancy type apartment buildings. This was one of Collin’s places he had here in Chicago, since he lived in New York. Now Ian remembers Mandy telling him that Collin maintain the business out in New York but always came back to Chicago to make sure that the Auto-shops here were doing good as well. His building had a doorman which was nice.

 

 

When Nick and Ian get on the elevator, Nick becomes fidgety. This wasn’t his territory; this wasn’t a place he was familiar with. And if this was an ambush, he was so going to bust knee caps and take someone’s head off. He cracks his knuckles as if he is getting ready for a fight. Ian looks at him and smiles. Ian knew what Nick was thinking and found it adorable that Nick would think he would let anything happen to him.

 

 

Once they get to the door they knock on it but nothing happened. No one came to the door or anything. So Nick stops and turns to look at Ian. For some odd reason he knew that there was a key under the mate and took it and unlocked the door. Letting himself and Ian inside; him and Ian walk in the small hallway into the apartment towards inside the sala. Collins place was nice, his sala was huge, bigger than Mickeys place. He had nice comfy sofas and black autumn in the middle of the sala. There was a TV on your right hand side of the room. On the opposite side of the room there was a computer desk and two big bookshelves.

 

 

For some reason Nick had even more of a bad feeling, and from his past experience bad feelings meant that something was off and that some shit was about to happen. Nick turns to look at Ian. “Ian we should go home like right now.” Nick says turning around again and had been thinking of ways to say they had to leave early. Even go as far as to say that Ian was sick and they had to bolt. He even had a plan as far as to take some laxative pills he had and drink it to say he had like food poisoning. He was thinking of all sorts of shit.

 

 

Ian chuckles and looks at Nick unamused and shakes his head. “No Nick. We can’t, besides you agreed and plus since when do you not want to see Mandy?  You guys spend like that whole day with one another the last time and you even said she was awesome. And that you like being around her that one time.” He says to Nick with a small smile.

 

 

Nick shakes his head and looks back at Ian “No Ian there something wrong. I can feel it, somethings not right I don’t know. …fuck I have this bad feeling.” Nick says out of nowhere.

 

 

Just then Mandy, Iggy and Collin walk in the room and look at the couple in front of them. They were in the sala and the three older siblings had no idea that Nick and Ian came in the front door. Mandy forgot that she told Ian to text her, she had her phone on her but it was off. She mentally cursed herself for letting her phone die and not charging it. However Mandy, Iggy and Collin’s facial expression show that they were shocked and somewhat emotional about something, and Ian and Nick look at them as if asking them mentally what was wrong.

 

 

“We didn’t hear you guys come in” Collin says trying his best to not loo shocked and hoped that his eyes were not as red as they were from crying.

 

 

Then Nick walks around Ian and says “Why are you guys so uptight about? Hmph what the fuck happened?” Nick says looking at each siblings and notice they that something must have happened. He sees Collins eyes are puff and it looks like all three of them must have be crying. But he tries to ignore that little fact.

 

 

Collin looks at Nick and glances at the DVD on the night stand, “Nothing, we just are surprise to see you that all.”

 

 

“Bullshit…you guys knew we were coming. Ian text Mandy... So what’s really up, plus you and Mandy look like she had been crying and so does Iggy... Sooo. What the fuck happened? Did we come at a bad time?” Nick says again looking at Collin and Mandy and Iggy then back at Collin.

 

 

“Nah it’s nothing… was just upset I had a pregnancy scare….I thought I was pregnant then I wasn’t so these are tears of joy.” Mandy says quickly chuckling. “Hey! Why don’t we get ready for dinner yeah?  It’s all done and ready; you and Ian can help me okay. Set the plates and shit and help carry the big fucking chicken that’s in the oven to the table.” Mandy says and is trying hard to distract Nicks questions but for some reason she knew he wasn’t falling for it.

 

 

Nick is hesitant at first, but nods his head and spoke to Mandy “Um okay sure. You should really stop being a skank though.” Nick says smirking at Mandy. Mandy punches him as he walks to the kitchen in Collins apartment. Collin then goes to the night stand and takes the DVD and is about to put it away when Nick walks back in throw his jacket on the couch; and you can hear Mandy saying something to Nick but it was too late.

 

 

Nick looks at Collin and what he’s holding and then…“What is that!?...(Nick says it again breathing heavier and his eyes become glassy and he’s panicking. He see his name on the DVD and then) “What the fuck is that!?” Collin doesn’t answer, but Nick knows what it is “....NO! (He puts his hands on his head and shakes his head back and forth) NO-No….NO! NO! NO” he screams and is crying “Oh My God, oh my god no!” He says again to himself. Mandy, Iggy already have walked back in the sala. Mandy, Collin and Iggy look guilty at each now. Ian comes running back in the room hearing Nick yell. He goes to his sides and Nick grips Ian by the arms hard and is breathing heavy.

 

 

“Nick what’s wrong look at me! Nick, Nick, tell me what’s wrong!?” Ian says quickly holding Nick up who’s crying and is looking hysterical.

 

 

Nick is remembering the past has he holds himself and his bend over.  _Get over here now, we’re gonna do this like before okay Mickey.” He says to Nick “Look at the camera Mickey and say your name” He says again “My names not Mickey its Nick” Nick said. “Well whatever you say, But okay.  Well we’re gonna do it like before, but a little different this time. Now come here, NOW! We’re gonna make a movie this time. And you’re not gonna cry or I will make sure to punish you again…you got that!” He says to Nick, who just nods his head up and down._  “NO! Not again… not again…NO! NO!-no Ian no.” Nick is crying harder and louder more

 

 

“Can someone fucking please tell me what the fuck is going on here.” Ian says frustrated looking at Nick’s siblings and back at Nick.

 

 

“Nick…Nick we know what happened okay. We know. About what Terry let those men do to you, about it all… we know we saw it for ourselves” Mandy says and she is crying to “I’m so sorry you had to deal with that on your own.” Mandy says with more tears coming down her face. Nick looks at her and then at Iggy who is also crying and he turns to look at Collin who even worse than Mandy and Iggy.

 

 

“You tricked us didn’t you! …. having me and Ian here… tonight… for dinner was a trick.” Nick says as he is crying looking at Collin “You wanted nothing to do with getting to know me YOU LIED!” he screams out again crying “YOU JUST WANTED MICKEY TO SEE WHAT WAS ON THE DVD!” Nick says crying harder than before.

 

 

Ian looks at the three Milkovich siblings and tries to attempt to calm Nick down who is breathing heaver than he was before “Nick calm down for a bit baby” Ian tries to say to him

 

 

“NO IAN… No…Oh GOD FUCK!   _Don’t you get it Ian_. Don’t you see…. They want to get rid of me, not know me okay... Once Mickey see this… fuck those DVDs-that was supposed to be locked away and destroyed Ian. Once he sees what’s on that DVD I’m gone! THEY WANT ME GONE!” Nick says frantically but he was pissed and angry.

 

 

“We don’t want you gone Nick please.” Mandy says as she tries to tell her brother over his cries.

 

 

“We want to help you Nick.” Collin say “You will always be a part of Mickey’s life.” Collin tries to say again

 

 

“I DON’T WANT TO BE APART OF MICKEY LIFE! I HAVE MY OWN LIFE!” he screams at his siblings “You…You said you wanted to know more about me. You fucking liar… that’s all you do, that’s all any of you do is just lie.” Nick says looking at Mandy. She looks more hurt by his words. He started to care for her and that was his mistake because she didn’t care for Nick, it was only Mickey she wanted to care for. He felt so stupid to believe that yeah maybe the Milkovich siblings wanted to know him. “I’m outta here!” he says and tries to leave but is stopped by hearing Ian speak to him.

 

 

“Nick” Ian says but Nick doesn’t let him finish “NO Ian you don’t get it! Once Mickey sees that video, once he knows we’re done. We fucked up!....I’m outta here and I’m taking Mickey with me. SO fuck you all.” Nick says and runs out the door, and Ian looks at Collin and then with that Ian running after Nick with Mandy and Iggy right behind him.

 

 

“Fuck…FUCK!” Collin screams out “..….what have I done.” Collin says to himself. Just then Mandy, Iggy, and Ian walk back in in a rush. “Did you get him?” he asked them.

 

 

“No” Ian says and is texting Nick, but gets no response and then he texts Debbie letting her know shit went down badly and to call him if Nick gets home. “He took the car and sped off before I could get to him. Fucker is fast, sometimes I forget how fast he is at that.” Ian says looking more and more confused on what the fuck just happened.

 

 

“Fuck, I have to call Charlene and let her know.” Collin says but was stop by Ian. 

 

 

“Look I have no idea what the hell is on that video, but whatever it is, it’s gotten Nick hysterical and he’s in a desperate state of mind right now and that’s not good…I can personally tell you that whatever the fuck has got him like this, he will do something stupid.” Ian tells Collin. Collin looks at Ian and back at Mandy and Iggy who were thinking of what to do themselves. Collin looks at the DVD in his hand and hands it to Ian. “What is this?” Ian asked.

 

 

“You of all people have the right to know. That’s the reason Nick left…The reason why Mickey created Nick…The reason he may do something stupid.” Was all that Collin said as Ian looks at the DVD in his hand. Ian step back and took the DVD and went to the DVD player and turns the TV on. He puts the DVD in the player and pressed play. Collin looks away and ran his hands over his face and just stared out looking at nothing really. Mandy and Iggy look away not wanting to see what Ian was about to see.

 

 

The DVD plays and Ian is looking at it. There was young Mickey on the video, he sitting on the bed and looked like he was numb. Expressionless, when he heard the guy call him Mickey and Mickey said he was Nick, Ian stood shocked. When the video play on and continued to play on Ian covered his mouth and was in a rage. He let out tears silently but was mad beyond reasoning. He knew from what him and Nick had that fight that Nick slipped up about a few things. Ian didn’t want to push him as Nick said briefly a few things that happened to him. Never going into detail, but when he saw this video a mere 4 year old boy who had to be strong, who had been created to shelter another little boy from that pain; Well that hurt Ian in so many ways. “I didn’t know exactly everything…I just thought that….I mean he told me but….Fuck! I’m a fucking idiot who keeps bring him back here to you guys, and you just tried to ambush him…” Ian says.

 

 

To say that Ian was upset was not the word; no definition of what he was feeling right now can be worded.  If he could he would kill that bastard that did this. Ian gets up and stops the DVD. He stood next to the TV shaking his head and turned to glare at Collin.  “He was molested…he was abused sexual” The realization hit Ian hard; to say the least he couldn’t form words he just saw red.

 

 

“Yeah…you know now, and he um.” Collin says but didn’t get to finish.

 

 

“What the fuck! What kind of person does this?” After no-one said anything Ian sat there remembering everything he and Nick talked about. The arguments, the words that were said; and then- “How many?” Ian asked and looks at Collin then Mandy, and Iggy, then right back at Collin.

 

 

“How many what, what you mean?” Mandy asked Ian

 

 

“Videos! That sick fuck in the video said they were gonna make another video like before.  _How. Many!_ ” Ian hisses out

 

 

Collin was the one who spoke and Ian just glares at him “There’s a lot. How many we don’t know. When I found the videos all those years ago-um…the police came and took everything…and um they never went to court because the perpetrators took plead deals. Every one of those men and there was two woman as well. Terry being one of them, he swore he never touched Mickey, but that he gave Mickey to whoever wanted to have him. They paid and he made money from the videos and the services…He was charged with child endangerment, Child pornography, sexual exploitation of a child and a few other child abuse charges. He was giving life without the possibility of parole. When I got out of jail from the fight I had with Terry, the judge gave me custody of my brothers and sister. I moved them away from that house so that we can start a better life….(Collin was holding back tears) Mickey didn’t seems to remember any of it. So I thought it was a good thing. I didn’t want to pressure him to remember something that he shouldn’t have to relive again!” Collin says and tears coming down his face.

 

 

The room was tense more that it had ever been, but after a few moments Collin spoke again. “Now you get why Mickey-“

 

 

“NICK!” Ian shouts out to Collin.

 

 

“He’s emotionally unstable right now, and he’s fragile and he knows that we have the DVD and-.” Collin says but Ian cuts him off again and talks over him.

 

 

“It was Nick! Nick! ...That little boy on those videos-they were all Nick, My Nick! That’s why he had such a hard time trust anyone, trust me. Getting close to me, wanting me to know him more and the fighting and arguing! It all makes so much sense. I just figured he was trying to push me away, because that’s what he always did when we started. He never wanted me to know anything about him. Then I did, and then I brought him here.” Ian says while looking down at the ground into nothing.

 

 

But the Ian looks up at Collin and his eyes became dark “His own family. You! You were supposed to protect him! Where the fuck were you Collin! Where the fuck were any of you!?” Ian shouts angrily at Collin trying hard not to get in his face and hit him.  Now it made more sense to Ian, when Nick said Collin promised to protect Mickey but he didn’t. It was Nick who protected Mickey, not Collin, not anyone.

 

 

“You think I knew this shit was happening!? You think I knew what our father was letting those sick fucking perverts do to my brother! Do you think I had any Idea of what the fuck was going on in my own fucking house!? …I HAD NO IDEA! I HAD NO IDEA WHAT WAS HAPPENING TO MY LITTLE BROTHER!” Collin says shouting at Ian, because it was bad enough he felt bad; but he refuse to have someone come in here and make him feel more worse than what he was already feeling.

 

 

“You were his brother! You were supposed to know it was your job to protect him! To care of him, that’s what siblings do!” Ian shouts at him.

 

 

“Ian.” Mandy says but Collin cut her off before she could speak.

 

 

“No Mandy he’s right…Don’t you think I know that! Don’t you think that out every one I don’t blame myself! How I think about myself knowing I let that happened!” Collin says looking Ian dead in the eyes.

 

 

“You know my sister raised us…I didn’t have the best parents either. My mom a crazy drug addict; my father a sick fucking alcoholic and also drug addict, who would do anything to make money even if it meant scamming whoever. But my sister raised us, and yeah I might not have the best relationship with her now. But she would never in a million years- she made sure we were okay as much as we gave her hell. She made sure we were good.” Ian says to them. Ian knew it wasn’t their fault but right now he didn’t care about that.

 

 

“Ian I blame myself every day for not knowing….for not seeing, for not putting two and two together we all three do.” Collin says to him.

 

 

“Good! Because even though it might not be completely your fault, but you turned him away when he needed you or went to you. That much I know, and now it makes sense. What he would say to me about you and why. I never got it, never understood why, but I got it now.” Ian says and turns away from Collin and walks to the window in the sala.

 

 

There was silence in the room and no one spoke. What could anyone say at this point really? Ian just turns around and is walking out of the sala when he heard Mandy speak to him and he stops “Ian what are you gonna do now?”

 

 

“First I’m gonna go find my Nick and I’m gonna do what no one has not done… I’m gonna be there for him more than ever. I’m gonna go to him comfort him, tell him I have him, and I’m gonna make sure and make him understand by reassuring him that we can face whatever they fuck the world throws at us  together, especially this.” Ian says to her.

 

 

“Ian its Mickey that has to face this, its him who has to deal with it and come to terms with this and fight.” Mandy says to him.

 

 

Ian looks at Mandy with an emotionless face expression. “Fuck you! You betrayed me, and I fucking trusted you. I trusted you and you just fucking sold me out Mandy. What’s more worse is that I told Nick that this was a good thing. You and him, and us coming over here to spend time with you guys. The worse part was that you didn’t only just sell me out, you sold your own brother out. Nick. The one you said you wanted to get to know…You fucking watched that video and then you told me it was okay to come over, you basically fucking lured us here! While the whole time you had a fucking weapon – that fucking DVD Mandy! That fucking thing can destroy anyone. But guess what! You fucked up! Now Nick’s left, and he’s gone and I have to find him because now he probably thinks he’s more alone in this world than anything. He’s probably fucking scared and guess what, he’s got Mickey with him.” Ian says to her.

 

 

“Ian you know I trust you with my brother we all do. We know you would never betray Nick and he knows that!” Mandy says to him.

 

 

“Yeah well right now I can honestly say I don’t know what he’s thinking. And you’re right I never will betray him, but you know what? Right now it feels like I did, because like an asshole I brought him here. Like an idiot and the fucking fool that I am, I let you come into our lives and be a part of it and convinced him that it was okay with you. That today was going to be okay and that nothing will hurt him.” Ian says to Mandy sadly.

 

 

“Ian you have to believe me I never meant to betray you or Nick I swear. I just saw the video today, you have to-” Mandy tries to say but is cut off by Ian laughing at Mandy and looking at her.

 

 

“I’ll get over it, I don’t believe you but I’ll get over it…but Nick won’t.” was all Ian says as he left the sala and went to the door to leave and go find Nick.

 

***************

 

Nick didn’t know what to do; he was just driving around not caring where he went. He needed a plan, he needed to get the fuck away, far away from everyone. He somehow ends up in the last place he thought he would ever be. As he enters the loft apartment, he took in everything that happened. He had a bunch of missed calls from Ian, and Debbie, and even Mandy. He had a text message from Ian saying he was worried and to call him that he was looking for him. Nick placed the phone down on the table and went into the back room. He didn’t know what to do. He walks out of the back room and starts walking around Mickey’s apartment trying to figure out what to do. He starts to look through a bunch of papers and mail that was on the table. He is looking for some of Mickey’s bank cards and decided he would withdraw a few thousands of dollars and take Ian and Debbie away, that if she wants to come and leave. Just pick up and leave, and if Ian love him as much as he said he did, he would come with Nick.

 

 

While searching for some of Mickey’s things, Nick stumbles upon something that caught his eye.  It was a letter from the state of Illinois Pontiac Correctional Center.  It was a letter from the prison stating that a prisoner was released from his life sentence due to illness. It was called compassionate release, in which an inmate was terminally ill and is released to live out his or her dying days at home and not in jail. It was rare to get this kind of release. But due to overcrowding Nick can only think that, that was why he was release.  In a fit of rage Nick grabs his phone and left Mickey’s apartment and heads out to deal with his past once and for all.

 

*******************

 

Ian left Collin’s house and got on his phone to track Nick down. As long as Nick’s phone was on Ian was able to track him with the app he always left on Nick and his phone just in case of anything. When he looks at the phone and tracks Nick down; he saw he was at Mickey’s apartment. So Ian heads straight there taking a cab. Once he gets up stairs the door is opened but no one is inside. Ian walks around and saw the table of papers were scatter, but there was one paper he saw. A letter of release and the name on the paper and address had Ian putting two and two together. He took the paper and left out. He knew where Nick must have gone; because when he checks the phone again to track Nick where about, he is at that very same address. Ian ran out of the apartment and heads straight for a cab hoping to god Nick wouldn’t do something stupid he would regret.

 

****************************

 

Nick walks up to the house, he’s uneasy but he takes a few steps up the stairs and looks at the door. He knows he has to do this. He knows he has to get rid of the problem. He rings the door bell, and a woman comes to the door and opens it. She averaged height brown hair, brown eyes and she in blue scrubs. “Hi can I help you?” She says to him.

 

 

“Ah yeah. There’s someone here that I use to know-a relative actually? I heard he still lives here, is that true? I mean he’s not dead or anything right?” Nick asked and he is fidgety and nervous but kept his composure.

 

 

“No sir the person that lives here is not dead, but it depends on who you’re looking for sir. I was told he has children, but none of them have contacted him since he’s been home. Can you tell me who are you looking for? His name, maybe he might the person you’re looking for since he’s lived here from what I know all his life.” The young woman says to Nick.

 

 

“Milkovich…Terrance Milkovich, some people call him Terry for short. (Nick coughed) I’m ah. I’m his youngest son, Mikhailo.” Nick says to the young woman. The nurse gave Nick a surprised look. “Is there a problem?” Nick says

 

 

The nurse shakes her head while speaking “No-no it’s just that no one has visited him in a long time since he’s been back here. I know he was away somewhere, but we’re not supposed to really ask so many questions about patients. We’re just supposed to make them comfortable until it’s their time, but we do get a family history of visits and things like that…It’s just Terrance hasn’t had any visitors not even for Christmas or anything at all.” The Nurse says to Nick.

 

 

Nick nods his head. “Okay, well I’m here and I wanna see him.” Nick says to the nurse, she let him in and they walk through the house. He remembers this house, his and Mickey’s childhood house. It looks different, cleaned up mostly with lot of medical supplies around. “Where is he?” Nick asked.

 

 

“He’s in his room sleeping, I just gave him some of his medication, so he may be in and out of it. I was just about to go to the store to get a few things to make for him and smash it up so I can feed it to him. But I can wait while you see him for a bit.” The Nurse says.

 

 

“No. That’s fine do whatever the heck it is you have to do for my old man. If he needs something go ahead and get it. I’ll be fine with him, plus I work in a hospital so if anything I can manage it. Just leave your number in case of anything.” Nick says lying to the nurse.

 

 

The nurse is hesitant at first, but she does need to go to the store before everything closes and make her patient his meal. “Are you sure…I mean I’m not supposed to leave him with anyone.”

 

 

“I’m his son, if it wasn’t for him I would not be here. He’s fine with me, I just want to talk to him and see how he is.” Nick says to her and gives her a small smile.

 

 

She looks like she was thinking about it, but then she nods her head and gave Nick (who she though was Mickey) her number and told him that she should be back in 30 minutes top. She told him he may not be able to talk too much and to try and not let him talk as much since he has the breathing mask on his face to help him breath. Nick ensured her again that everything would be fine and that he would not let him talk, and then she left.

 

 

Nick walks up to Terry’s door and stands there for a few seconds before opening the door and walking in. He closes the door behind him hard not caring if it woke him up or not. Nick laughs as he walks over to the bed. Lying there is Terry Milkovich hooked up to machines; he had a breathing mask on his face and what looks like needles or an IV in both his arms. Nick stands there, taking in the view of what he saw. “Terrance Milkovich…good old Terry… (Nick kicks the bed and Terry’s eyes open) “Hey Terry wake up! Do you remember me? Do you know who I am?” Nick asked and for a long moment Terry looks at Nick and Nick looks at Terry. “I remember you…You do remember don’t you. I mean how could you not? I was part of your sick twisted game right? You loved to play that game didn’t you? Well Terry it wasn’t a game for me now was it! YOU FUCKING SICK TWISTED BASTARD! You made me, You! Mickey might have made me, but it was you…I am the man who I am today Terrance because of you!” Nick says his tone of voice was uneasy.

 

 

“You see I can never forget your face being so close to mines. You breathing down on me, the hits, the scars, the bruise, the…what you did, all of it…You might be an old pathetic piece of shit who is dying of what?” Nick says and picks up the clip board and saw “Cancer! HA! Seem you have Lung cancer, and liver cancer! I bet it fucking sucks right… It’s torcher isn’t it! Not being able to breathe, not being able to do anything and being so defenseless RIGHT!? Mickey knew that all too well, that’s why he always had me to fall back on…I remember what you did…everything, and then what you let them do to me!” Nick says and walks more towards Terry’s bed as Terry looks at him.  “And that smell, God I can remember it like it was yesterday. That disgusting breathe breathing under me, suffocating me, and I couldn’t do anything about it but stare and stay under; crying out and if I cried to loud, the beatings that I got...” Nick says and stops.

 

 

Nick grabs a pillow from under Terry not caring. He begins playing with it in his hands as he continues to talk. “Now….see because of you, your fucking recording of everything! Now everyone knows what happened! Like everything, the whole truth... What!? Wasn’t it enough that you did it to me for years that you ruined a little boy’s life-that you had to fucking put it on video for everyone to see!” Nick says now shouting at Terry. “For everyone to know Terry! Because of you, you and your stupid fucking disgusting friends and you! Now I’m fucking ruined, now my life is fucked up. I’m done! Gone! Finished! No more Nick….And guess what Terry?” Nick holds up the pillow more “If I’m going down? So are you!” Nick says and covers Terry’s face with the pillow and holds it down while crying. Terry is weak and couldn’t move much, but he is trying to move.

 

 

Just then Ian opens the door and sees Nick holding the Pillow down on Terry face. “Nick NO! Nick Stop” Ian says rushing to him and pulling him back. The pillow falls to the floor and Ian hold Nick.

 

 

“No Ian, no he deserves to Die! He deserves not to live or be free!” Nick shouts with tears threating to leave his eyes.

 

 

Ian is holding Nick close. “Shhh it’s okay. I know Nick-I know.” Ian says still holding Nick close to him and looking at the man on the bed who seemed to be scared but unable to talk. Ian turns Nick around but Nick is still looking at Terry with death eyes. “Listen to me Nick, Nick look at me!” Nick does “I know he deserves to die, I know he deserve death for what he let happen to you. He should be in jail dying no matter what his condition is all right? I get that.” Ian says to Nick.

 

 

Nick goes pale as to what Ian is telling him…No he can’t know…Ian can’t know what happened, not like this no! “How do you- How did you….You saw the video didn’t you.” Nick says and starts to cry. Ian knew, and Ian knows how ruined he really is.  “How did you know I was here?” Nick asked Ian.

 

 

Ian held Nick’s face with both his hands “I told you before didn’t I? You can’t just think you can leave and I won’t find you.” Ian taped on Nick’s head as he said “I know how this thing works and how you think. I know you, and I know where you went.” Ian says to Nick sadly.

 

 

“So you know….I didn’t want anybody to see that video Ian…I didn’t want anyone.” Nick tries to say while crying but then is cut off.

 

 

“Mickey…..Mickey” Both Nick and Ian hear and turn around to look to see it was Terry calling Mickey. His voice is scratchy, unrecognizable, and he had a hard time breathing as he tries to speak.

 

 

Ian turns around and sees red. He goes and tries to walk to Terry’s bed pulling his serve pistol out when Nick grabs his hand. He looks at Nick then at Terry. “Let. ME. Go.” Was all that Ian says to Nick.

 

 

“No! You are not murder.” Nick says to Ian “I’m not a murder, I could be, but you Ian you’re not a murder.” Nick says.

 

 

“Yeah but I’ve killed before Nick.” Ian says to Nick instantly.

 

 

“Yeah for reason you had to. You were a soldier so you had to… Right now he’s not worth it. I know that now.” Nick says while looking at Terry, than he looks at Ian. “If it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t exist, and I wouldn’t be here. So no don’t kill him…He’s not worth it.” Nick says lowly to Ian.

 

 

“That’s not true. No matter what you say or think, he’s not the reason you’re here. I believe that it would’ve happened regardless you being you. Him creating you? No. Mickey would have created you regardless of whatever he needed you to help him deal with. No matter what I believe that you would have been here in the end. Something as good as you, could have  _not_  been created by something so evil! Do you understand me? You would have been here no matter what Nick!” Ian says so passionately to Nick.

 

 

“Fine...But if you kill him Ian then what? It ain’t gonna erase my past, it ain’t gonna make shit better, and it will tear us apart and you will go to jail for murder and  _I need you_! I can’t fucking lose you, especially not to him!” Nick says “Can we leave…please.” Nick says and that was all he needed to say.  Ian puts his gun back in his holster and grabs Nicks hand and left the house.  Once they were in the car both men were silence “I thought that if I killed him…It would somehow erase my past…that it would erase what happened to us.” Nick says suddenly as Ian is driving.

 

 

“I get it…but killing someone stays with you…That’s why I would have done it because I know what it’s like to take a life. And trust me I would show no remorse.” Ian says to Nick bluntly.

 

 

“Once Mickey sees that video Ian, I’m done…I can’t believe they got their hands on it.” Nick says rubbing his face and looking at the window.

 

 

“I’m sorry Nick, I’m so sorry…but don’t worry about that right now okay.”

 

 

“Don’t worry about it? Ian once Mickey views that video we’re fucked you know that? That’s all they need was that video, a video that should have been destroyed!” Nick says and puts his hands on his head.

 

 

“No. Listen we’re gonna go back there get the DVD and destroy it okay. Once that’s done then that’s it. Telling Mickey won’t work and you know that. I won’t let them hurt you, I promised you that. So we destroy the evidence and that’s it.” Ian says making his way on the highway back to Collins house.

 

 

“How the fuck are we gonna go back there, they probably have that it locked away Ian.” Nick tells Ian.

 

 

“Nah, Collin Mandy and Iggy were too busy trying to figure out where you might go. Plus they left when I did. So I know they’re not at Collins house and (Ian showed Nick Collins keys) I took this off the table.” Ian says smiling at Nick.

 

 

Nick smiles at Ian. “Okay, let’s hurry the fuck up and find it destroy it and fucking leave.” Nick saiys to Ian who was on the same page as him.

 

************************

 

When they get to Collin’s apartment, no one was there just as they suspected. They went straight into the sala and start searching for the DVD. Nick was starting to panic because that DVD had to get destroyed and soon. “Fuck! I can’t find it, where the fuck did they put it at?”

 

 

“Found it!” Ian says and gave it to Nick who took it from him and looks at it.

 

 

“What did you see Ian? I mean I know you saw, but what did you see?” Nick asked, sounding so scared as he looks down at the DVD.

 

 

Ian was silent for a moment before he spoke. “A man, he was facing away from the camera. He asked you for your name and you said Nick. He said you were going to make another video like before, but that he was going to be in it with you….Then I saw somethings I rather not want to ever see again in my life.” Ian says and Nick looks up at him as he sees Ian wiping his eyes.

 

 

Nick looks at Ian with a confused face. Nick’s mind is racing as he thought. That it wasn’t the video he thought it was, but none the less it had to be destroyed. He remembers who it was, the second man who took Mickey, and it wasn’t-. “Okay.” Was all he said, but Ian saw something.

 

 

“What is it Nick?” Ian ask in concern

 

 

“This video….This was like the forth or thirds time it happened to us…being filmed that is…I thought it was the very first one…but it all has to be destroyed…They have no right to have any of this.” Nick says and broke the DVD with his hands. He continues to break it in small pieces until he was satisfied. He looks at Ian who gave him a small smile.

 

 

Nick drops the pieces on the floor and him and Ian walked out of Collins apartment. They drop the keys on the floor and left for home. The drive home was quiet, but that was okay. Both men needed it to be quiet. Once they get into the house they go upstairs and close the door. Nick sits at the end of the bed looking down at the ground emotionally drained and tired. Ian came up to him and removes his sneakers not letting Nick move. Ian then picks up Nick and Nick let him. Ian takes off Nick’s shirt, and then his pants and lays him down in the bed and covers him up. Ian gets undressed as well and lays next to Nick holding him close.

 

 

Nick just leans in close to Ian; he looks up at him and kisses him. Ian tried to stop him knowing Nick is in a vulnerable state, but Nick didn’t want to hear it. He actually wants to forget today ever happened. “Make love to me Ian.” Was all he says and Ian wants to protest again it, but Nick kisses him again and pulls Ian on top of him. His kiss is more determine and very passionate, as if not wanting to let go of Ian, as if he is going to loss Ian.

 

 

The kiss turns heated pretty fast, but it was gentle as well, and the next thing they knew it, Ian is inside of Nick and is thrusting inside of him slowly and passionately. Ian’s face is buried into Nicks neck, and he is panting and groaning. Nick had his legs wrapped around Ian clinging onto him. One hand ends up grabbing Ian by his hair and the other os leaving scratches on Ian’s back, every time Ian pushed inside him. “I love you” Ian says to him looking at Nick.

 

 

Nick looks back at Ian “I love you baby” he gasps out grinding down on Ian’s cock. “Harder baby…Fuck” Nick says and his pushes his head back and his eyes rolled back as Ian slams into him harder and deeper at a slow steady place. Ian leans their foreheads together as he kept thrusting in deeper and Nick is gripping Ian harder and panting. Ian kisses down to Nick’s neck and starts to suck on it leaving a red purple mark.

 

 

Nick’s head starts to hurt and he is moaning louder as Ian hit his sweet spot over and over again going a little but faster and much harder than before. “I love you” Nick whispers out. Ian is close and he can tell so is Nick. But Nick grabs on to Ian with one hand and his other hand went to his head and he hisses.

 

 

Ian looks up at Nick and he looks at Ian. Ian kisses Nick and at first he didn’t respond to the kiss but quickly he does respond back to Ian. Ian pulls away from Nick and looks at him again as he keeps thrusting into him deeper and more harder snapping his hip “I love you! Baby I love you.” Ian says and then both him and Nick hit their climax and came together at the same time. Nick instantly kisses Ian again and this time the kiss was different. They rode out their orgasm together, Ian telling Nick how much he loves him, and how much he would always protect him and keep him safe.

 

 

Nick is silent and says nothing when they were done. Ian gently caresses Nick’s face with his hand and leans in and kisses him; who kisses Ian back instantly. Ian held Nick in his arms tightly and he falls asleep. He didn’t move as Ian slept.  When he knew Ian was fast asleep, he sits up and looks over at Ian and looks down at himself and the room around him.

 

 

“Shit!”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that happened. Next chapter may be if not longer but just as long. So what you think about the ending of this chapter honestly?


	26. Don't Hate Me....Please

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for everyone still staying with this story. soon a new chapter very soon xoxoxox
> 
>  
> 
> Hey Everyone I know I havent updated this in a while so here you guys go. I hope you don't get mad at me. So this chapter I didnt know how to end it. I didnt like the way I ended it, but I figured some way how to. Also the next chapter will be hard. So this chapter like many others is long and hopefully will hold you guys for a bit. 
> 
> n addition I love your comments and kudos and that you guys really like the story and subscribe to it and book mark it. It makes me feel like I'm doing something right. So without further ado here you guys go. Please please let me know what you think about everything so far. love you all and thanks for reading and Happy thanksgiving by the way.

Mickey is looking at Ian from where he’s laying down at. Taking in everything with what just happened. He couldn’t believe him and Ian? Well first it was Nick and Ian where in the middle of sex and the next thing he knew it was him and Ian in the middle of sex and he didn’t stop him. Fuck! He thought to himself, ‘why didn’t I stop him?’ And shit he kissed Ian, the kiss was….different. Something he had never experience before, the feeling and ugh this was just complicated. Mickey was tired and a bit drained. He didn’t know if he should just leave while Ian was asleep, or wake Ian up and tell him or what. He just didn’t know what to do.  But then suddenly he got this rushing urge of guilt that came over him from the thought of leaving Ian. Mickey just laid back down in bed next to Ian, covering the both of them up. He was on his side of the bed not to close to Ian because this was still too much to bare with at the moment.

 

 

Ian had suddenly moved close to Mickey and Mickey tenses up when Ian wraps his arm around him. After a few moments of being still and what seemed like forever. Mickey exhaled a breath he didn’t know he was holding. He took in the warmth of Ian’s embrace, his scent, his hold on him. Mickey was thinking that this must be how Nick feels when he’s with Ian. Mickey was still uncomfortable but pushes the thought out of his mind as he moved Ian’s arm off of him carefully not to wake him up. He then turned over looking at Ian as he slept and with that he falls asleep as well.

 

 

*********************

 

 

Somehow throughout the night Mickey and Ian got tangled up with one another. Mickey is laying down on Ian’s chest with one of his legs around Ian’s leg. Ian has his arms wrapped around Mickey, who he thought was Nick obviously. Mickey woke up to Ian running his finger through his hair and whispering sweet things to him. Only it wasn’t for him that Ian was meant to say these things to, it was Nick Ian was talking to. He feels Ian kiss him on the top of his head and say “I love you.” Mickey now felt even more guilt rush over him. He looks up at Ian with sad eyes and that didn’t go unnoticed.

 

 

“Babe what wrong?” Ian says.

 

 

Mickey shakes his head. “I’m sorry” Mickey says in a low voice and gets up and takes the first pair of pants he saw and puts them on. He then takes another random shirt and puts it on and sat back down on the bed looking away from Ian with his head down. He turns to look at Ian, and he saw how Ian’s face looks so confused with also fear in his eyes.

 

 

Ian sits up and looks at Mickey; he wasn’t stupid, he saw Mickey’s face. He saw his eyes and knew it wasn’t Nick anymore. Then Ian leans forward and ran the back of his hand on Mickey’s cheek. Mickey hitches his breath at the touch of Ian’s hand on his cheek. Mickey never took his eyes off of Ian and neither did Ian. Ian gives him a small smile, and this smile was more of I know I just hope I’m wrong kind of smile. “Will you be home for dinner” he says chuckling lightly still looking at Mickey.

 

 

“I don’t think so Ian.” he says sadly still not taking eyes off of Ian. The room is silent, no one spoke or moved for a minute of two. Mickey breaks the silence. “I’m so sorry Ian.” Was all Mickey said to him.

 

 

Ians eyes got water and a few tears came down his face; Ian shakes his head no and smiles at Mickey dropping his hand from Mickeys face “Don’t ever apologize for something you can’t control…It’s okay…You gonna be okay….I’m gonna be okay.” Ian says and after the two of them just stood there looking at each other. “Do you want me to call Mandy?” Ian finally asked Mickey.

 

 

Mickey sat there and though about it for a minute for some reason, but then he simply nods his head yes and Ian dials Mandy’s number. Mickey just sat there waiting listening yet not paying too much attention.

 

*************

 

Mandy was at home still fucked up from everything that happened yesterday. With the video and then with Nick and Ian; it was a complete fucking mess. What hurt the most was that she didn’t get a chance to explain, well she did but if she was being honest, if she was Ian she wouldn’t have believed her either. Not only did she manage to fuck up a relationship with him and Nick, but she lost a best friend in the processes. She called Debbie and even Debbie was mad, but at least she listened to her. But even Debbie agreed she should have warned Ian and be honest at least. So it was to her surprise that the one person who told her to go fuck herself was calling her right now.

 

 

“Ian?...Ian look I’m so, so, so fucking sorry and I don’t say that to most people okay you have to be-“ Mandy says but she didn’t get a chance to finish her sentence.

 

 

“I don’t wanna hear it now Mands.” (Mands she thought to herself at least he still calling her that) “Whether you knew or didn’t you still should have told me. I could’ve…..Fuck. Mandy it doesn’t even matter anymore what’s done is done…” She hears him sigh loud over the phone and stood silent as he continues. “I get it okay. I’m not mad at you, but I’m not happy and you’re not my favorite person right now… I’m more disappointed than anything.” Ian says over the phone. He sounds hurt and she notices it all to well.

 

 

Hearing that hurt a lot; her and Ian establish a good bond of friendship. So being mad she could handle, but disappointment just hurt her even more. Mandy sighs sadly, “I know Ian its just-

 

 

“Look that’s not why I called you to talk about okay…We can talk about that some other time Mands.” Ian says to her.

 

 

“Okay what’s up? Is Nick okay? I know he hates me right now.” Mandy says sadly.

 

 

There was a silence before Ian spoke “…..Nick’s okay Mandy and uh so is Mickey.” Ian says quietly.

 

 

Even though Ian couldn’t see Mandy’s face, her expression changed and her eye brows rose up and then came down as she looked confused. “Mickey?....OMG Ian is he.” Mandy asked.

 

 

“Yeah” Ian says sadly and she could hear it in his voice. She knew eventually someone was going to get hurt and it sucked that apart of her knew it would be more Ian than anyone. The shitty thing about this was that she honestly didn’t want a good guy like Ian to hurt like this, but her brother needed to be healthy again and come back to them.

 

 

“Are you okay?” she asked Ian.

 

 

“Yeah I am.” Ian says to her, but she knew he was lying.

 

 

“You sure….You don’t sound okay Ian.” Mandy says to him.

 

 

She hears a small laughter come from Ian over the phone “I will be Mands…He ah, he wants to talk to you.” was all Ian said as she hears the bed move over the phone and movement.

 

 

“Hey Mandy.” Mickey says and he sound so tired.

 

 

Mandy smiled at the voice of her brother who she thought she would never hear or see again after what happened yesterday night. “Hey Mick, you okay?” She asked him.

 

 

“Yeah just a bit dizzy, but mostly tired.” Mickey says answering her back.

 

 

“Want me to come get you.” Mandy asked not knowing what to say, but wanting to say so much and she just wanted to hold her brother close.

 

 

“Nah….not yet. I ah…I want to speak to Ian for a moment okay… maybe in about an hour if not then I’ll call you okay.” Mickey says to her.

 

 

“Sure no problem….but ah you know…use protection little bro.” Mandy says jokingly to Mickey. She hears laughter over the phone when he calls her an ass and told her to fuck off.  When the phone hangs up, Mandy couldn’t help but feel excited and happy, and weird all at once. She got her brother back….but the question still remained for how long?

 

 

***************

 

Mickey and Ian go to down stairs; there is a quit amongst them. Ian makes Mickey breakfast and both men still said nothing to one another. Mickey didn’t know what to do but he went for it.

 

 

“How long this time?” Mickey asked and when Ian looks at him with a confused look, Mickey waves his hand “How long was I gone Ian?”

 

 

“Only a few months not long really.” Ian says biting his bottom lip

 

 

Mickey stood silent for a bit and was thinking. The last thing he remembers was him being at his house. They were trying to integrate, but he saw something. Something he couldn’t remember, something that frighten him; neither of them spoke and Mickey just looked like he was far off away somewhere. “How could I let this happen again?” Mickey says to himself.

 

 

“It wasn’t your fault Mickey, you had no idea what could have happen.” Ian says to him softly.

 

 

Mickey shakes his head and put his hands to his face. “I can’t do this anymore…I just fucking can’t take it anymore.” Mickey says desperately.

 

 

Ian goes to try and comfort Mickey, but when he gets up to him and put his hand on his shoulder Mickey flinches and pushes his hand away roughly. Ian as taken back a bit from the harsh gesture “Mickey look I get-“ Ian tries to say but Mickey cuts him off.

 

 

“Fuck you! You don’t know shit! You don’t get anything Ian-What the fuck am I supposed to think and feel huh? ...I’m here with you just like you wanted right?” And now Mickey is upset to a point where if you got in his way then he would attack you in any way he thought he could. He didn’t care who you were at all. “You’re just as bad a Nick is….I don’t love you okay, he does! Not me. He’s a part of me don’t you get that! Where right back here where we started! All I keep doing is hurting people. ” Mickey says more angrily.

 

 

Yeah Ian was thrown off with Mickey’s sudden outburst, but there was no way he was gonna let Mickey push him away. “Don’t take your shit out on me okay.” Ian says dropping his plate in the sink not wanting to finish his food “And yes I fucking get that part Mickey! What makes you think I can’t love you either, or that you can’t love me? What make you think that I don’t love you anyways?” Ian says lashes back out at Mickey.

 

 

“Because you don’t know me Ian!; because you fell in love with Nick, not me! And I have someone else, I have a boyfriend” That last statement wasn’t so true in a way.

 

 

Ian gives Mickey a questionable look “Yeah okay; someone who doesn’t even treat you right!” Ian snaps at Mickey and he keeps on talking. “And I’m say this again so maybe you get it clear through your head okay. So what if I love Nick, what makes you think I don’t love you either huh? At least I’m not like that sick twisted asshole of a boyfriend you have! That whenever he gets a bit too drunk he takes out on you.” Ian says to Mickey, and apart of him instantly regrets saying.

 

 

“Fuck you!” Mickey says in a low hissing voice “I don’t let him hurt me, and he knows better than to lay a hand on me, and when he tries I just kick his ass simple as that.” Mickey tells Ian.

 

 

Ian looks at Mickey like he has two head. “Seriously…..You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me here! ....Do you even love him?” Ian says looking at Mickey.

 

 

“Yes.” Mickey says hesitantly. It was lie but Ian didn’t need to know that.

 

 

Ian looks a little hurt by that response, but took a step closer to Mickey and Mickey back away. Ian stops and nods his head before he said “How can you love someone who treats you like that….How can you love someone who doesn’t love all of you, even the parts that makes you split …(Ian raises his eye brows and lick his lip) How can you love someone…who calls you names then tells you he’s sorry, someone who has laid a hand on you in the past and then what you kick his ass?....Really Mick... Someone who isn’t even there for you, who fucking blamed you for your disease! … Are you fucking kidding me, you love him, you want that? That excuse for a fucking person!” Ian practically yells out at Mickey.

 

 

“Yeah well at least he’s not someone who married and fell in love with someone fucking alter! Someone who only exist because of me! At least he’s not someone who’s fucking selfish and took advantage me!” And Mickey knew those words stung because Ian is looking more than hurt at what Mickey said. His eyes where glassy and Ian looks like a fragile Child.

 

 

Ian eyes stung…did he take advantage of Mickey? Did he? He didn’t think of it like that, he didn’t even realize that maybe he did? Him marrying Nick, him not committing Mickey to hospital when Nick came out, him taking Nick home and trying to have a life together, trying to be a family….Yeah he suppose he really did end up taking advantage of him and didn’t know. Not until Mickey said it….but how can you stop your heart from loving someone who you know loves you. Someone who you know deep down inside feels for you more than anything in this world…..How can you stop loving the love of your life when you know deep down inside you finally got him and you refuse to let him go….Shit! But Ian knew he was selfish as well. “He is selfish….and yeah so am I…but you see at least I’m selfish for good reasons….Him (Ian shook his head) him not so much.  At least I can say that I love you no matter what. But can he honestly say that he loves you and I mean all of you no matter what. Not just Mickey, but each and every one of you.” Ian says and turns around and walks upstairs because he didn’t want give Mickey the satisfaction of seeing his tears come down his face.

 

 

Mickey stood in the kitchen for a moment thinking of why all of a sudden it went from okay to bad. He takes his phone out and text Mandy telling her to come get him. He thought about what Ian said, but he needed to hurt Ian and push him away so he can get his shit together and be whole again….It still didn’t excuse him from saying what he said. It was out of angry yeah, but Ian never really took advantage of Mickey; at least that’s how Mickey saw it in his eyes, if anything Ian understood. Patient even, how he didn’t know, didn’t know why he would be really. But Mickey should have just told Ian that he needed space and time away and make Ian promise him to make sure if Nick came back out to commit him or something….All these things ran in Mickey’s head at once.  He knew he had to apologize because it was just wrong what he said. 

 

 

So, Mickey goes upstairs to apologize to Ian. When he gets upstairs, he sees Ian in bed curled up under the blanket. He walks in the room and tries to say something but Ian gets to him first “just leave, please just go.” was all Ian said sounding so broken and hurt. And Mickey felt a tightness in his chest, but he still walks more in the room and sat on the right side of the bed were Ian is curled up at.

 

 

“I’m sorry.” Was all Mickey says to Ian softly.

 

 

Ian nods his head from under the blanket from what Mickey could tell. When it was clear to Ian that Mickey wasn’t going to leave after he apologized. Ian sits up from under the covers and looks at Mickey then back down at the blanket wiping his face “You’re right…I took advantage and I’m sorry….” Mickey tries to shake his head no and say something but Ian didn’t let him. “You’re right you know?” Ian says and Mickey looks at him asking silently for him to elaborate. “About me falling in love an alter…(Ian looks down at his hands and was playing with the blanket as he is talking) Nick said that to me a few times…I guess he was just trying to prepare me for the truth or something.” Ian says and chuckles sadly not wanting to look at Mickey.

 

 

“Ian” When Ian didn’t look at Mickey, Mickey grabs Ian’s face and made him look at him. “I was wrong to say that okay…I know Nick, he can be very demanding, persuasive, and straight forward and doesn’t take no for an answer. If anything I should be thanking you I guess in a way, not fucking blaming you or anyone.” Mickey says firmly wanting Ian to understand what he meant, wanting him to know he is thankful it was him and not anyone else.

 

 

Ian looks at Mickey confused. “Why would you thank me? Why wouldn’t you blame me, you said I took advantage and I did! I see that now.” Ian says with tears threaten to fall down from his eyes again.

 

 

Mickey shakes his head and moves closer to Ian. “No Ian. Yeah you married Nick, yeah I’m here and not at home or in the hospital or any of that shit…But if it weren’t for you, I know Nick would have ran off somewhere and I would’ve been alone.” Ian let out a few tears and Mickey can’t help but wipe them away as he continues talking. “I’d probably be waking up next to some random guy or girl freaking the fuck out.” Mickey says to him.

 

 

“Girl?” Ian in says more than asking.

 

 

Mickey chuckles a little. “That’s all you took in from what I just said?” Mickey asked with a smile on his face and then laughs, making Ian chuckle a little bit. “Well yeah, you didn’t know? When it comes to sex, Nick has no problem getting it from anywhere, which is really disturbing.” Mickey says to Ian.

 

 

“So does that mean your?” Ian asked

 

 

“O no- hell no. I can’t. I’ve fucked a girl once, and it was so bad it took me an hour just to my dick get up… and that was after I turned her around and fucked her doggy style that I managed to get hard. And that only happened because I was thinking of Jensen Ackles thank you very much.” Mickey says trying to light up the mood and make a joke.

 

 

Ian smiles and chuckles lightly “He is cute.” Agreeing with Mickey

 

 

“No he’s hot! And Of course I know this because I got great taste in men… Nick got you didn’t he.” Mickey says to Ian smiling softly. He kind of blushed a little bit as well.

 

 

Ian’s smile widens. “Are you flirting with Milkovich?” Ian asked curiously.

 

 

Mickey drops his head down trying to hide his smile and then looks up at Ian “No…I’m just being nice.” Mickey says but he us blushing red on his cheeks more trying hard to not to smile at Ian. Then his phone rang, it was text message from Mandy saying she was down outside waiting for him. Mickey sighs and looks over at Ian giving him a sad apologetic small smile.  “Mandy’s here…waiting for me outside to take me home.” Ian nods his head and him and Mickey got out the room and made their way down stairs.

 

 

Mickey stops before he opens the door and turns around to look at Ian. Ian looks so fucking wounded but you can tell he’s trying hard not show it. He didn’t want Mickey to feel bad; this wasn’t his fault. Mickey had to know that Ian wanted him to know that. Mickey Had to know that he wasn’t to blame for his disorder and the outcome it brought with it. “It’s okay Mickey…I’ll be fine…and ah as far as the divorce papers; when I get them drafted up again, I’ll sign them and send it to you so you can file them and we can be done with it okay.” Ian says not looking at Mickey.

 

 

“What? I signed them and sent you it, what happened to the original copy?” Mickey asked curiously

 

 

Ian looks at Mickey and smirks at him “Nick.” Was all Ian said and Mickey nods his head yeah. “When he saw them in the dresser he took them, ripped them, than burned what was ripped up. But not before threaten to cut my dick off and breaking my hands in the processes as well.” Ian says and Mickey laughs at that and Ian just smiles. But then it fades away when he hears the car horn honking. “I’m sorry Mickey…” Ian says again. Mickey knew he would still apologize even after he apologized to Ian telling him he didn’t mean it and that it wasn’t his fault.

 

 

Mickey turns to look at the door then back at Ian. For some reason it felt wrong to leave, but he had to get his shit together. And maybe when all this is done, maybe he and Ian can be friends at least. Ian is a good person, and deserved to be happy more than anything. Mickey walks up to Ian, closes his eyes and presses their foreheads together. They stood there for a moment just soaking in each other and then Mickey moved away slightly and reaches up and wipes the tears that are coming down Ian’s face. He keeps his hand on Ian cheek not moving it and leans in and kisses Ian. There was no open mouth, no tongue nothing like that. Just lips on lips together for a moment and Mickey pulls away, opening his eyes as Ian did his. “Thank you” was all Mickey said to him in a whisper leaning their foreheads together again closing his eyes once more, before he pulls away and walks towards the door. “See yah Ian.” He says and Ian nods his head at Mickey. Mickey opens the door and walks to the car where Mandy was waiting for him.

 

 

Ian came to the door and watch as the man he loves, leaves him, but for good reason. He thought that maybe when this is all done and Mickey is well, maybe he can fix things and start fresh with Mickey…Maybe or maybe not. Mickey did confess to saying he loves his boyfriend Colt and not Ian…Ian leans against the door and Mandy saw him and waves at him. He smiles and waves back at her. She motioned that she would text him and he just nods his head. He watches them drive off and stood there for a moment letting the cold air hit him. When Ian closes the door, he leans back against it and slide down to the floor, only to cry to himself once more. There is only so much of this he can take, before he would have enough of his heart breaking.

 

*********************

 

It had been about a few weeks since Nick had disappeared from Ian’s life. Ian couldn’t help but still feel hurt and the pain in his chest. Shit like that you don’t get over it so easily. Especially when you know that person is the love of your life; however Ian knew this would happen again, he just didn’t know it would happen sooner than he had expected. Apart of him the selfish part, hoped that Nick would be there forever. Him and Nick, God was he an idiot; he felt so stupid.  None the less he was still sad over it, going to work coming home, being like a fucking machine trying to do anything to keep his mind occupied. He even picked up double tours when he could and was thinking about transferring out of Chicago and go to New York maybe, or even Seattle. Just somewhere different, but Ian wasn’t so sure either if he really wanted to stay away from Mickey.

 

 

Mandy kept Ian up to date with what Mickey was doing and how he was handling things. For instantly like how Mickey’s therapy sessions seemed to be going okay, and how it was affecting Mickey. Like how if Mickey was okay and if he was talking to her or anyone. She was letting Ian know all of this stuff because she knew deep down inside he wanted to know if Mickey was okay and how the intense psychotherapy was coming along for him. They started talking again after about a week of Mandy constantly texting Ian of how sorry she is and if she needed him to come over with a bottle of Jack and ice cream she would. He eventually caved in and told her to bring a big bottle and a big tub of ice cream. They drank and ate ice cream talking about anything and everything. When the subject of Mickey came up, it was Mandy who broke down in tears, and Ian just held her close as she held him while he cried silently as well.

 

 

Mandy tried to express verbally and physical that Ian should visit Mickey at least once and try to talk to him. Ian said he was sure that Mickey didn’t want to see him, and that he needed to focus on getting himself better; that he would probably do more harm than good if Mickey saw him.  However Mandy didn’t think that, especially when Mickey would come home from therapy and would curl up in his bed and sleep in the same clothes that he came home in from when he was at Ian’s.  Or how he when he was being more distant when he got home from therapy that sometimes it scared her, or how when Mandy would have to force him out of bed to get up sometimes now. Mandy didn’t want to tell Ian any of that. This was one of the ways that she saw Mickey was able to cope or something. She never even asked Mickey, she just saw what he would do. It still didn’t stop Mandy and even Debbie from sometimes slapping Ian over the head, telling him to go visit Mickey or text him maybe, but Ian would always refuse. Expressing he didn’t want to cause harm to Mickey, or make things worse.

 

 

Mandy couldn’t stand seeing Ian mope sometimes and listening to the same bullshit thing he did every day. Even from Mickey, Mandy tried to get him to call Ian or even text him to at least tell him about how he was doing, and ask about the divorce papers. Anything to get those two to have a conversation, and get the ball rolling in the court! Or so they say. But Mickey would make an excuse saying that he knew Ian didn’t want to talk to him or see him. She tried to get Mickey to go to the Gallagher house with her, and that didn’t work either. Mickey refused saying it would just make shit worse and more complicated.

 

 

Fucking Men she swore they were worse than woman.

 

*******************

 

Ever since that night happened Mickey has been more to himself, besides having Mandy around and having her pester him about Ian and what not. Therapy has been going good to say the least. Mickey and Dr. Jimenez have been working on having him learn how to modify his behaviors, emotions, and thoughts better. Dr. Jimenez has been teaching and helping Mickey to assist in understanding and identifying certain triggers that have led him to call for Nick when he would be scared, frighten, or felt that he wouldn’t or couldn’t handle things. Mickey has been learning how to regain a sense of control and techniques to resolves his feelings, emotions, and has been learning how take them head on. Dr. Jimenez has also been working with Mickey with helping him to learn how to identify and distorted unhelpful thinking patterns and recognizes the strength of his mind. Allowing him to grasp a better understanding of his thoughts, and feelings that have taken control over him before in the past; leading for him to have Nick come out to deal with situations for him. 

 

 

Helping Mickey realize he has a secure social relationship with his family was important. Then helping him to establish a basic sense of self and acquisition of initial sense of right and wrong was important as well.  The core development of Mickey’s therapy was very important due to the fact that it was disrupted within his development as a child. The vulnerability of his development of self as far as thoughts and feelings and motives are critical for a child at such a young age, that the capacity for shame and pride was something Mickey didn’t realize that he viewed himself as an object. That caused him to experience these feelings of guilt, shame, and confusion.  

 

 

It was important for Dr. Jimenez to have Mickey see that Nick was his protector and to not be ashamed of the things he did or his feelings of being lost and confused, when he found out things Nick did that he didn’t remember. When Mickey told her the outburst of angry he had towards Ian and Nick, for allowing such a thing like this to happen again. She then realized that she wanted and needed him to see the positive in his disorder, and not just the negative of it. Mickey needed to understand this, and have him know that it’s very important for him to learn.  To say the least, when Dr. Jimenez put Mickey back under hypnosis and they were able to show some progress. She was able to speak to the younger version of Mickey and talk to him, about things that happened to him as a child. She of course had to reassure him that he was safe to speak to her here and that no one will hurt him.

 

 

With that being said this was a small victory but there was still a lot of work she and Mickey had to do. When Mickey would come to from the hypnosis, he would remember things like the time he would cry to sleep, or when he was little how he would talk to himself when Terry would hit him. The hit’s he started to remember a bit more and he remembered whenever his brothers and sister said he did things, but he didn’t remember doing them. Things of what he did he couldn’t remember, and he and Dr. Jimenez knew it was Nick’s memories. Nicks memories that are blocked, and more secured than ever. Mickey would remember talking to himself a lot more it seems, yet a lot of it was still a blur to him. The concentration on trying to strengthen Mickey’s mind was getting hard, but Mickey was fighting hard to stay out and become ready for another integration attempt.  It had to be done, as much as he was afraid he knew it was the only way to get better again.

 

 

As a few weeks continued to pass again; Mickey’s cognitive behavioural treatment was going well. He was able to feel himself become grounded, especially with the things he was remembering. However there was always that black block of a wall that he could never get past. He was tested more on his ability to stay ground and in control when Dr. Jimenez mentioned the video to Mickey. About 2 months had passed and Dr. Jimenez felt it was best to mention and informed Mickey to not be alarmed if he ends up having another episode. She told him she wanted him to remain grounded and stay emotionally stable.

 

 

Mickey was able to control the impulsive to want to call Nick or look for him. because when Dr. Jimenez mentioned that there was a video of what happened to Mickey as a young child, he could feel Nick wanted to come out and intrude. He could feel him wanting to protect him and he so much wanted to let Nick come out and do that. He felt the need to want to not be there, and not want to deal with the video or what was on it. He got dizzy and started to get a headache, but he willed it away as best as he can. He really wanted not to deal with this and let Nick deal with it. He didn’t want to deal with that video and he refused to watch it. He told Dr. Jimenez he wanted to remember on his own, not see what happened. He wanted her to not mention it ever again.  

 

 

And so she didn’t, she never mentioned it and never mentioned that his siblings along with Ian saw the video and knew what was on it. She knew that if she did, it would be the most stupidest move on her part, and she would end up just throwing her license out that window; because a good doctor should always know better.

 

 

Soon after this came the big test and realization that Mickey had to face, but was avoiding. Dr. Jimenez felt it would be best for Mickey to try and interact with Ian a bit more. The fact that Nick has a relationship with him will give Mickey more of an insight of what Ian gives to Nick that makes him wants to stay and be strong. She has told him this in the past, and was telling him again that this would help him and it will help to strengthen himself as well.  So that was how Mickey ended up picking up his phone and texting Ian; asking him if he would come to one of Mickey’s therapy sessions. The response that he got from Ian was one he didn’t think he read correctly. “Sure, name the place and time and I’ll be there if you need me.” Was what he read from the text message he got from Ian. He figured Ian wouldn’t message him back or even acknowledge the message or tell Mickey to fuck off or some shit. But Ian didn’t, Ian wasn’t like that. Apart of Mickey felt something he didn’t know how to put into words. He just smiles at the text and texts Ian back.

 

 

So the appointment was set for next month, and Ian and Mickey will be seeing each other for the first time in over 3 ½ months.

 

**********

 

Mickey was home lounging around when he got a text message that made him smile. Colt had been texting him sweet things and telling him how much he loved him. Mickey’s face faded when he was looking through his mail and found a huge envelope addressed to him from Ian. Mickey opens the envelope and found that it was the divorce papers. He didn’t know what to feel. Ian did tell him once they were drafted back up he would send them over signed. Mickey didn’t know why, but it felt weird, he kind of felt hurt a bit. He hadn’t had any contact with Ian except that text message he sent him a month ago and now the divorce papers where here. Maybe Ian really did want Mickey to get better….Of course he did. Mickey looks through the first few papers and saw Ian signed them; he didn’t want deal with this at the moment. He went to go take a shower and get ready for Colt to come over.

 

 

Once he’s out of the shower, Mickey gets dressed. He wore his black boots, dark blue jeans and a black shirt with his jacket over it. Colt said he was gonna take him out for dinner and said to dress casual. So he did.  Mickey and Colt were trying to start over. When Mickey came back home almost 3 ½ months ago he contacted Colt, and let him know he was okay and that he was home. Colt called him and was telling him how much he missed him and how he tried to see him and help, but nothing worked. Mickey apologized for it, but Colt said it was okay not to mention it and that they can start again and try. That threw Mickey off a bit. Mickey told Colt he needed to get himself situated again and be a whole person, but he needed his support nothing else and just that.

 

 

So since then, all they’ve been doing is sending each other text messages, talking over the phone sometimes, but the conversations were never long. No more than 30 minutes. It was slow but they were making progress, so Colt decided to ask Mickey out on a date and Mickey said yeah.

 

 

When Colt gets to Mickey’s place, he rang the bell. Mickey goes to open the door. Colt looks good Mickey thought to himself and smiles when Colt gives Mickey a chocolate bar.  Colt steps in and kisses Mickey and Mickey kisses him back. “Ready to go?” Colt asked

 

 

“Yeah” Mickey says and both men were out the door.

 

 

Dinner was nice pretty good. Colt took Mickey out to a nice restaurant where they ate and walked around after words. When they make it back to Mickey place, Mickey wanted to tell Colt to go home, but he didn’t. He wanted to take things slow and work their way back up. Plus he couldn’t help but think of everything that happened.  However against his better judgement Mickey let Colt in. He grabs a bottle of water for him and Colt and they make their way to the sala. On the coffee table were a bunch of papers and Colt notice the divorce papers on top, and without permission he picks it up and looks at it.

 

 

Colt makes a face. “I thought you signed them and mailed these out to this guy.” Colt says to Mickey curious as to what Mickey would say.

 

 

Mickey looks at Colt and saw what he is holding; he grabs the papers and places them back on the coffee table. “I did, but Nick found them and destroyed them, so Ian went ahead and got the papers drafted again, and I got them today. I looked through it, but he forgot to sign like two pages, which are easily missed. So I’m just gonna sign them again, and have him sign it then file them. Simple as that really.” Mickey says not really wanting to discuss the subject of Ian or the papers.

 

 

Colt snorts and sat back on the couch. “Are you sure he’s gonna sign the papers and send them in, I mean is in love with Nick and will try to hold out any fucking hope he’s got….Feel bad for the guy honestly.” Colt says sounding mockingly and arrogant. 

 

 

Mickey takes a sip of his drink and looks at Colt, and turns his body. “Well I feel bad that I have to be the one to break someone heart.” Mickey says sounding sad. “You on the other….I didn’t see feeling bad for him.” Mickey says in a tone of sarcasm. Someone heartache really wasn’t something to mock at, let alone be felt by anyone.

 

 

“Well yeah I do…I mean come on, he fell in love with someone who is created for you, and not you Mick. It’s just sad that’s all. Plus like I said, I’m sure he probably didn’t sign those two pages on purpose so that he can try and see you again and maybe cause Nick to come out.” Colt says to Mickey. Mickey gives him a face. “Oh come on, don’t look at me like that okay. You know a part of you probably thinks that anyway.” Cold says again.

 

 

“Actually no I didn’t; and like I said. Where he has to sign at can easily be missed, because I almost missed it…Plus Ian doesn’t seem to be a person like that okay….And I’m gonna see him anyways tomorrow and bring this with me so he can sign it.” Mickey says now.

 

 

Colt snaps his head to look at Mickey. “What!? Why are you going to see him for?” Colt says getting defensive.

 

 

Mickey sighs before he spoke. “Because he’s going to one of my session; Charlene thinks it would be a good thing, and plus I get to know more about Nick and it helps. I need to be healthy again mentally, and the more I feel Nick wanting to come out, the more I have to fight. I didn’t listen to her in the past about trying to get to know Nick from Ian. I tried and-I mean I got to know a few things and me and him…We’re completely different, I didn’t know he can’t cook, but I can. He’s left handed, I’m right handed. He can draw and paint and I can’t Colt…..I want to know why I have to fight with myself so much to stay in control. And Ian can give me insights about Nick that I’m not able to get.” Mickey says looking at Colt to see his reacting

 

 

Colt to say the least is not excited to hear that Mickey is going to see Ian, and that he was going to one of his therapy session. Colt didn’t even go to one of Mickey’s session because Mickey felt it was best he do this on his own. Plus technically they weren’t together. He didn’t know what they were. It got Colt upset, not to mention what if Nick comes back out. All this work Colt did to get back into Mickey’s life would have been for nothing. He wasn’t comfortable with this and it showed on his face. So Colt did what he thought would be best.  He leans in and kisses Mickey and lies when he says “Okay…It’s cool, as long as you get what you need.” What Mickey didn’t know that Colt had a plan all on his own, which was to make sure Ian would never be around Mickey again.                             

 

 

They stood there watching a movie on TV for a while and were cuddling with each other. Colt was running his hands thought Mickey’s hair and Mickey like it. Colt gets up and holds his hand out, so that Mickey would take it, which he did.

 

 

“What are you doing Colt?” Mickey asked curiously

 

 

Colt turns around and takes Mickey face into his hands and says “I love you Mick.”

 

 

“Colt…I” Mickey tries to say it but Colt leans in and kisses him, pushing him up against the wall. And Mickey turns them around from the wall and is still kissing Colt back. It had been months since Mickey been with anyone and yeah 23 ½ years old now, he had needs and was horny.  When they both stop kissing one another Mickey starts to walk backwards holding Colts hand guiding him into his room. Once the back of Mickey’s legs hit the bed, they kiss again and Mickey takes Colt’s shirt off and they continue to kiss.

 

 

Colt pulls slightly away from Mickey and kisses his neck. Mickey’s eyes closes from the sensation. Colt bites and sucks on his neck leaving a nice mark on him. That makes Mickey moan slightly, he brings his right hand up into Colt’s hairs and Colt continues to kiss his neck. All at the same times as Colt undoes Mickey’s pants and they fall to the floor.  Colt kisses Mickey again slowly and soft as he removes Mickey’s shirt. Mickey is laying down on the bed as Colt makes his way slowly down to his boxers removing them swiftly. Colt takes Mickey’s thick length into his mouth and begins to suck on the tip of his cock. Mickey is gripping the sheets on the bed, then he felt something cold near his entrance. He didn’t even know when Colt went ahead and got the lube, but he did. Colt slips one finger into Mickey as he keep bobbing and sucking Mickey off. Then there is a second finger and Colt keep fingering Mickey deep and rough. Mickey is panting hard and he is starting to feel his stomach tingle as Colt keeps hitting him in his sweet spot over and over again while sucking him off.

 

 

Colt removes his fingers from inside of Mickey and Mickey protested against that. Colt then gets up and straddles Mickey and kisses him hard as he lowers himself onto Mickey. Mickey looks up at Colt confused because he didn’t prep Colt and knew that shit would hurt. But Mickey didn’t care at that moment as Colt was lowering himself down on to him, because the warmth felt so good. Then Colt starts to move up and down on Mickey. Mickey brought his hands to Colt hips and trusts up hard into him. Making Colt yell out Mickey’s name, Mickey kept doing this until Colt slows him down and kisses him. Colt gets up off of Mickey and turns around and again lowering himself back on Mickey doing it reverses style now. Mickey threw his head back as Colt started to ride Mickey reverse style and was finger Mickey at the same time.

 

 

Mickey was at lost for words and he kept mutter things and biting his bottom lip at the double stimulation he was getting. Colt was riding him harder and fingering him deep inside hitting the good places inside of Mickey. Just then Mickey came inside of Colt and Colt road out Mickey’s orgasm and was cumming as well moments later.

 

 

After both men were able to catch their breaths, Colt rolls over on his side and looks at Mickey and smiles “Amazing huh…feels so nice to be here with you again.” Colt says to Mickey.

 

 

Mickey looks over at him and smiles. “Yeah” and kisses Colt again while mumbling out “I’ve missed you so much.” Still kissing Colt, then Colt pushes Mickey down onto the bed and climbs on top of him again.

 

 

“Oh yeah…Then don’t leave me again” Colt says to Mickey. “You know if someone would have told me today ‘Colt you’re gonna get Mickey back today after everything’ you know I would have told them that they were crazy right…I’ve missed you Mick.” Colt says looking into Mickey’s eyes.

 

 

Mickey didn’t know what to say to that. He wasn’t expecting to have Colt think they were together. But he did wanted them to try at least, but he needed him more for support than anything. He wondered if he was being selfish, he most likely is being selfish. And yeah he did tell Colt he missed him, because he did, well he does, or whatever. Mickey misses having someone sleep with him in bed, he misses sex, he misses going to someone to talk to, he missing something and he just doesn't know what it is. How things were before Mickey wanted that back somehow but then again he didn’t. Where things good before? Were they happy, was he happy? He didn’t really know. But….Being a in a relationship now was too much for Mickey at the moment. Which is why he had no idea why he said what he said next; “I know…I’m not fully back you know…Therapy is going better, and shits getting done…I mean life for us got messy right? Like really, really messy, and…(Mickey looks at his left hand and sees he still wearing the ring, but doesn’t linger on it) Me and you we still have a lot to work out, but…I can’t really do a relationship when I’m not better yet Colt”

 

 

Colt sits up and his face is unreadable to Mickey. “Mickey we’re in this together right? As long as we try and work it out things should be okay. I think we’ll be okay.” Colt says and then he looks at Mickey from where he is laying “Don’t you think?” Colt starts off saying. “I do think we can work through it, but we need to be together so that way we’re more stronger. Separated we’re not as strong.” Colt tells Mickey.

 

 

Mickey looks at Colt now confused but didn’t say any; because that’s not what he thought at all. Mickey wanted to be strong on his own because he need to be strong on his own…”Yeah” Mickey says and Colt kisses him again and goes to clean up.

 

 

When Mickey hears the shower turns on and know Colts nowhere near him. Mickey turns to his side and has a small smile on his face, but then it fades. “I have to learn love him…he’s been with me for so long…I owe him that much. Ian loves Nick not me. Yeah, he doesn’t really love me, only Nick….fuck maybe together we are more strong right?” Mickey says to himself, but then his mind went back thinking of everything. He closes his eyes and drifts off to sleep.

 

**************

 

 

Mickey woke tired, he didn’t get much sleep last night, since him and Colt had like 3 other rounds of sex when Colt got out the showers waking Mickey up.  Getting up he felt his back cold, he turns around and saw he was alone. He gets up from the bed and sees a letter from Colt saying he had to go because his job called him in, and that he will see him later on. Mickey goes into the bathroom and turns the shower on. He looks in the mirror and sees that Colt had marked his neck, and he wasn’t too happy about that. He tries to take a bottle cap and press down on it and try to remove it, but that didn’t work

 

 

“ _That’s not gonna work you stupid fuck._ ” Mickey hears and turns around to see Nick standing there.

 

 

“How the fuck are you here?” Mickey says to Nick.

 

 

“ _Really Mick? God you really must be fuckin smart dumbass. I’m in here remember?_ ” Nick says pointing to his head.

 

 

 

“No I mean…you need to leave like now…go away I don’t need you.” Mickey says to Nick.

 

 

“ _Oh you need me…you still need me…See I’ve just been buying by my time in here waiting for you to fuck up and call for me….See it almost happened.” Nick says humorously to Mickey. “Last night you know it did when you were fuckin that moron; which to say that at least that says something about you and him, if you know what I mean. Aaaannnd, that other time when Charlene told us about the Video.”_  Nick says grinning at Mickey

 

 

“I don’t need you, I’m gonna remember everything and I’m not gonna need you to protect me anymore!” Mickey shouts at Nick.

 

 

“ _Yeah you are…and do you wanna know why Mickeeeey. Because. I’m the one who deals with all your fuck ups. I’m the one who’s called on for, the only one you can rely on when shit hits the fan and gets to fuckin real for yah ass! ME MICK ME!”_ Nick says walking up more towards Mickey, but it appears that Mickey wasn’t going to let Nick win this time. “ _I know you feel like shit…you’re scared of learning the truth and don’t deny it. I know. And remember, I know everything that goes on in our pretty little head of ours._ ” Nick says taunting Mickey

 

 

“So what if I am?” Mickey admitted to Nick. “What if I’m scared.”

 

 

Nick sighs and shrugs his shoulders at Mickey. “ _Then like always, I come in! You know that I do. No matter what Mick I have you, but you see, you took away my happiness so I should just live my life and fuck yours…All you do is go back to the same bullshit all over again. You don’t fuckin learn do you? Hence last night with dick breath.”_ Nick says walking away from Mickey and turning around to face him again as he leans on the bathroom sink.

 

 

“No fuck you! Last night happened because I wanted it to happen. Before you fucked up my life, me and Colt were okay. We weren’t prefect or great, but we were okay! Then you fucking get yourself involved with Ian, who by the way is the only one who’s gonna get hurt at the end…And that because of you!” Mickey says to Nick and is clearly upset at Nick.

 

 

Nick sees this and smiles at Mickey at he speaks. _“Why do you care? He’s my husband, not to mention I do things for you; for a reason you dumb ass. Ian is good for us, not Colt. How much you wanna bet the only reason why he slept with you and marked us up pretty good was because he wants to throw it in Ian’s face.”_ _Nick says and raises his eye brows up at Mickey_ _. You’re a fuckin idiot Mikhailo, Colt an evil, conniving, fuckin selfish prick who just wants to control you! Who wants to make sure that he’s happy and fuck all if you are?_ ” Nick says.

 

 

“You know what Nick you’re just mad that once this is done, me and you will be as one. And that you won’t have Ian in your life. You’re selfish and conniving and you don’t deserve him or anything!” Mickey yells back at Nick.

 

 

Nick looks at Mickey likes he has two heads on his body. His eyes are wide and Nick appears to be both hurt and shocked at the same time. “ _Excuse fucking me! I-I’m selfish…”_ _If looks could kill, Nick would have killed them right now, because the look he’s giving Mickey even gives Mickey a cold shiver down his back._ _“You know what Mick, when you call for me next time…I won’t come. I’ll let you deal with it. You’ll see just how selfish I really am. You forget the reason I was created was to make sure no one ever hurt us. And if, and when they did I handled it because that’s always been my job! So Yeah Mickey, Yeah I’m fucking selfish right!_ ” Nick yells at Mickey.

 

 

 

 

Nick yelling makes Mickeys head hurt, but he’s standing his ground with Nick. “Well I don’t need you anymore…I have to do this on my own. You have to help me so we can be a whole person. So I can be healthy again. You say you’rr here to protect me well I want to fight I don’t need your protection. It’s being fucking selfish if you just want to be out and not help me get me back together up here” Mickey says pointing at his head.

 

 

Nick shakes his head has he spoke “ _Nah….You can handle it now on your own….Remember? I’m the selfish one. Just remember this…You can’t learn to love someone Mickey, you just fuckin do and watch Colt hurt you anyways. But I won’t be around to deal with it…Nah, now you deal with all of it and protect yourself from now on, because I won’t. And fuck you if you think your gonna remember anything. Because again…I’m selfish right but then again during your fucking therapy little Mikhailo came out right? Who do you think helped him come out and talk and told him to let you remember a few things”_  Nick says raising his eye brows up to Mickey. And before Mickey can reply Nick disappeared.

 

 

Mickey just stands in his bathroom thinking over what Nick said.  “Nick…..NICK! He shouts for him, calling for him to ask what he meant about that. “Fuck” Mickey says and hops in the shower and gets ready for his day to see Ian and Charlene. However he needed to speak to Charlene now, so he called her and she told him to come in now and so he did.

 

**************************

 

Mickey walks in Dr. Jimenez room in the quickness and felt a rush of relief that Ian wasn’t there yet.  Charlene sees Mickey’s face and observed his body language before she spoke. “Mickey what’s wrong? Tell me what happened?” She asked

 

 

“Nick” he blurs out, when Dr. Jimenez gestures for him to go on he did. “I saw him this morning before I got ready….He ah-he came out of nowhere and then he went on about always me needing him and then, that he was just waiting for me to slip or some shit. Then the topic of Colt came up again because me and him spent the night together.”

 

 

“You spend the night with Colt?” she asked shockingly. Mickey nods and knows why she is surprised at that news. He mentioned to her that he didn’t want to get involved with no one right now, because it would complicate things. But last night happened and him and Colt are trying to work shit out now, plus he was horny to but that’s beside the point… Or at least he kept telling himself this.

 

 

“Yeah…we decided to work thing out, take it slow…but I don’t know now.” Mickey says to her.

 

 

“Why do you say that you don’t know?” She asked

 

 

“Because of what Nick said to me.” Mickey says and looks at Charlene. “He said that Colt was a selfish conniving prick who only wants himself to be happy and can give all fucks about me. And that the only reason why he slept with me last night was to manipulate me and marked me up so that Ian would see and taunt him about it. Then he went onto saying that all he wants to do is control me, but that’s not Colt okay. And yeah maybe in the past he was an asshole, and he can be a prick, but he’s trying now. He gets that I have a disorder, he gets now that I’m not a whole person yet and he gets that I’m trying to get better and that….That I want to be me again…whoever the fuck that is” Mickey tells her.

 

 

Charlene looks at Mickey and sits back as she talks to him. “Mickey…did you want or do you want to be with Colt now, or Later on?  Also do you feel he has changed and if so, don’t you think he’s willing to wait? For when you do get better.” When Mickey didn’t answer she spoke again “I say this because you were very clear and I mean very clear about you not being in a relationship with Colt until you were 100 percent you and 100 percent sure about things…So what do you want Mickey? Do you want to be with Colt or not?” Charlene asked Mickey. 

 

 

Mickey sits back on the sofa in her office room and sighs. He shrugs his shoulders as he response to her question. “I don’t know?” was all that Mickey said. “I mean he loves me, and shit he still wants to be with me after all the shit I’ve done and….Fuck I don’t know I think so.” Mickey says to her.

 

 

“Mickey there’s no I don’t know’s or I think so’s Okay. So if you want to be with him it’s either a yes or a no. Which brings me to my next question of why are you letting Nick’s words get to you?” Charlene asked him.

 

 

Mickey tries to sit down more on the chair than he already is and looks up at Charlene. “Because a part of me feels….feels that what he says is true and I don’t want that to be true…I can learn to love Colt, I’m not in love with Colt, that much I do know….because I know. I don’t get those feelings of having to see him or wanting to see him all the time. I don’t know what to feel or how I’m supposed to feel because I don’t know what love is. I try to see myself with him years down the road and I can’t, I don’t get those butterfly feelings people say they get. But I do care for him so I can learn to love him. So it’s like I know it’s wrong even but…Then with the thing with Ian.” Mickey says and then just put his hands to his face.

 

 

“Do you not want him to come today, because we can reschedule?” Charlene asks Mickey.

 

 

“No-no. I don’t know mind him being here to today. This has to happen. It’s just that…..” Mickey still hadn’t told anyone about that night he came back. How he was in bed with Ian and how towards the end of the sex it was him and not Nick. Ian had no idea that he was kissing him and not Nick. Mickey didn’t want to tell anyone, but know?

 

 

“Just want Mickey?” she asked looking at him dead on so he can continue on talking.

 

 

Mickey looks at Charlene then back down at the ground. “The night I – I came back as me…I was in bed with Ian…He was having sex with Nick. Only…it wasn’t Nick at one point it was me…I didn’t stop him, I actually kissed him and then the rest is history.” Mickey says quietly.

 

 

“So you and Ian had brief sex and how do you feel about that?” She asked him again hoping he wouldn’t shut down.

 

 

Mickey looks at Charlene and is nervous. He’s scared and afraid because he didn’t know what to feel about it. So he gave her the honest truth, because who else could he tell this to. “I don’t know? And I know that’s not an answer but I really don’t. It’s like I’m conflicted at what to feel.”

 

 

“Well, it seems to me you have to figure it out first. Does Ian know that it was you and not Nick at one point during sex when you came back out?” She asked

 

 

“NO!” Mickey says instantly. “And I don’t want him to know. I don’t want him to feel bad for something he didn’t know was happening….Plus he might think he somehow was forcing me or something and that not the case here.” Mickey says to her.

 

 

“So then what is the case here? You said he might think that this was him forcing you, but how would you know unless you felt like he was forcing you?” Charlene said to Mickey more than asking.

 

 

“No trust me he wasn’t…I kissed him. It felt good, but then when I was done-I mean when we were done….and he was sleeping…. I felt dirty…Like I did something wrong.” Mickey says looking down at his hands playing with them.

 

 

Charlene gets up and sits next to Mickey making him look at her “Mickey” She says “You shouldn’t feel dirty. We as humans have needs just like animals who want to have sex. You honestly were caught up in the moment. That’s fine; it can be that you feel this way, because you know Ian was having sex with Nick and not you? It can be the guilt you have felt for breaking Ian’s heart…there’s nothing wrong with what happen Mickey.”

 

 

“You know what Nick told me…he said that whenever I need him he won’t answer…I called him selfish and…fuck” Mickey says, and he’s feeling overwhelmed.

 

 

“Why do you think you call him selfish for?” Charlene asked

 

 

“Because we were talking about Colt and then things got out of hand and he call Colt all these names and then…I called him selfish. Then he got mad at me and said that once shit hits the fan that I’m gonna know that he’s not the selfish one. Then he even said that Ian is good for us, that Colt just horrible.” Mickey says to her looking away and slouching down more onto the sofa Charlene had in her room.

 

 

“Mickey, the one thing I can tell you is that this is gonna be a bumpy ride for you. But honestly if you don’t want to be with anyone right now…you need to tell Colt and he need to respect what you want. Same with Ian.  You need to stick to your guns just like you did with Nick. You need to continue to control yourself and keep yourself grounded like you did with Nick, which I am very proud of you by the way. However I feel that until you’re better and you feel that you can figure shit out after your integrated, then you do whatever the fuck you want. But now this is about you. If Colt has changed in any way that you say he has, then he will be okay with this. Plus I am sure Ian will as well. Again do you feel it’s best to be in a relationship now, or do you want to just have the support system you need like you originally wanted?”

 

 

Mickey nodded his head and sits up. “I need support more than anything. I don’t need to be in a relationship right now. If there’s any relationship I need to be in, then it’s with me and only me. Yeah…you’re right. It’s just-I feel like I keep fucking up hurting people. Like, like I’m some kind of fucked up person here to ruin every ones lives or some shit.” Mickey says lowly

 

 

“Mickey you’re not…don’t let what Nick said to you effect you, you got that. We’ve come a long fucking way, and I’ll be damn anyone tries to reverse your processes in any way.” Charlene says to Mickey which made him smile at her. She was right; he has come a long way, so he wasn’t going to let no one stand in his way. Not when he was closer to when he was over a year ago.

 

************

 

It was 11:50 am; Ian is supposed to arrive by 12pm so they can start the session. Mickey is nervous, he trying not to let what Nick said get to him. Because Charlene was right, he couldn’t afford for Nick to come in and fuck up his progress and he definitely need to talk to Colt and let him know. It seemed like the only person who was doing what he asked for them to do was Ian. Ian was staying away giving Mickey his space and not trying to get Nick to come back out. Ian signed the divorce papers and mailed to him.  Ian wanted him to get better, and didn’t blame him or anything. There was a knock on the door and Mickey turns to look at Charlene. She gets up and walks to the door.

 

 

“Hi Mr. Gallagher, remember me I’m Dr. Charlene Jimenez.” She says putting out her hand to shake his hand.

 

 

Ian shook Dr. Jimenez hand and walks in as he talks to her. “Of course I remember you Doctor, and please call me Ian. It’s bad enough I get called Officer Gallagher at work all that time.” Ian says with a smile on his face. The smile he gives can fool anyone, but for some reason Mickey knew he was just playing it off. His smile didn’t reach his eyes, and it wasn’t a real smile at all.

 

Ian walks further in the office following Dr. Jimenez and sees Mickey sitting on the sofa “Hey Mick” Ian says to Mickey with a smile on his face and Mickey smiles back. “How are you doing?” Ian knew how Mickey was doing because of what Mandy told him, but he still wanted to know for himself. Rather he wanted Mickey to tell him, himself.

 

 

“Hey Ian….ah I’m fine. Just you know therapy and shit, sometimes I go to the garage and work when I don’t have shit to do or just rather be alone.” Mickey says nervously and he is shaking his leg now. Mickey and Ian hadn’t contacted or seen each other in almost 4 months so now he felt like a stupid fucking little scared girl and for what? This was Ian.

 

 

“That good! Keeping yourself busy.” Ian tells him.

 

 

“Yeah…so what about you?” Mickey asked

 

 

“Can I sit” Ian asked and Dr. Jimenez nods yes, but he waits for Mickey to say yes. Mickey just nods his head so Ian sat down away from him on the opposite end. “Um things are okay, work mostly, I’ve been thinking about seeing if I can get a transfer to different department or study to be a detective, but I don’t know yet.” Ian says looking away playing with his hands. He was nervous to, to see Mickey that is.

 

 

Mickey nods his head and was going to say something, but it was Charlene who spoke first. “Okay Ian so the reason why you’re here is because I felt it would be a good thing for Mickey to get to know Nick much better. See what makes him strong so to speak, and have Mickey understand his alter a little more better. So that when we’re able to start another integration process, Mickey is more ready than he was before.” She said to Ian.

 

 

“Um okay sure, what you wanna know?” Ian asked looking at Mickey

 

 

“Well I want to know more about him. I remember when you were talking about him and I found these things out about myself that I didn’t know I did. I want to know what he’s afraid of, if he is afraid of anything. I wanna know what makes him strong and I wanna know what makes him tick, or happy or…just him who he is…well more like who I am.” Mickey says to Ian.

 

 

Ian sits back and thought about it for a few seconds and had a small smile on his face “Well I can tell you Nick is stubborn, he’s amazing really. His biggest fear I can tell you is being gone, alone and not wanted, nor needed. No-one to remember him, or think of him. He wants to exist and he’s afraid he will just vanish away, like he’s nothing. What makes him tick well; I found that out the hard way.” Ian says looking down and looks towards Charlene as to give her a silent message.

 

 

“What you mean?” Mickey asked

 

 

“Well he started acting different. More than usually and I end up calling Dr. Jimenez and setting up an appointment….When he found out because I told him about it…let just say he almost left me. Nick doesn’t like being help from anyone outside of his circle. That pisses him off.” Ian says looking at Mickey

 

 

“Wait so you called Charlene and he got mad at you…when was this?” Mickey asked looking at Dr. Jimenez

 

 

“A few months back, before you came back.” She says to Mickey

 

 

“Well what was he doing that was weird?” Mickey then turned to ask Ian.

 

 

Ian looks at Dr. Jimenez to see if he should say what happened. She nods her head giving Ian the green light, so Ian goes ahead and starts to talk, but he knew to be careful of what to say. “There were times where he would cry in his sleep, sometimes yell. Other times he would sleep walk and he would be under the bed as if he was hiding. He would cry, sometimes I notice he would triple check to make sure our doors were locked or that Debbie was okay. He sometimes would have random attitudes and…sometimes he would get cold and push me away but I would fight with him. So when I mentioned about Dr. Jimenez and I went behind his back and made the appointment, let’s just it wasn’t pretty.” Ian says to Mickey

 

 

“Did he tell you? I mean did he tell you why he did that?” Mickey asked Ian

 

 

Ian didn’t know what to say, he definitely didn’t want to say the wrong thing and fuck shit up for Mickey. But he didn’t want to lie Mickey as well. Ian looks to Dr. Jimenez, they had talked earlier in regards to what Ian should tell Mickey. She nods her head at Ian and so Ian looks back at Mickey and speaks. “Yeah, he told me…but I’m in no place to tell you. We got into a heavy argument and it was the first time he opened up to me. But I was hurt because I made him emotional. He cried and….I never wanted to do that to him, make him relive what happened. But he said it was his job, and that he had to protect you from everyone, that was even including me as well.” Ian says to Mickey.

 

 

Mickey nods his head and looks at his doctor then back at Ian. “Tell me the truth?...Is it bad? Like really, really bad?” Mickey asked Ian, and Ian nods his head yes. Mickey wanted to throw up right then and there, “Okay…” He says as he shakes his right leg. He’s looking all over the place trying to picture things and put them together. He wanted to cry because what else can he do. How bad is it that he literally at to create someone to help him cope with his shit. 

 

 

Mickey didn’t notice but Ian was right next to him rubbing his back telling him he was sorry and that he was going to be okay. He felt Ian’s hands on his face “Mickey it’s gonna be okay don’t worry about it, you’re gonna be fine Mick.” Ian says softly to Mickey as he is holding his face to looking at him. But Mickey didn’t want that, so he pushed Ian’s hands away and gets up. Ian flinches at Mickey’s responds “I’m sorry.” Ian says and gets up from his seat. “I should be going anyway…I have to um… I have to go get my sister and then work.” Was all Ian said and turns around and goes towards the door.

 

 

Dr. Jimenez stood up as well and walks towards Ian before he could leave “Okay, but are you okay?” She asked him she was concerned for him as well because this had to be hard on him.

 

 

Ian smiles at her and held in his tears, “Yeah-no I’m fine. I just have to go.” Ian says and then turns to Mickey. “I’m sorry again.” Ian says and walks out the door quickly before Mickey could respond.

 

 

Mickey looks at Dr. Jimenez and then back down at the sofa he and Ian were just sitting on. He felt fucked up for just brutally pushing Ian away like that. He knows he was just trying to help, but he didn’t want comforting right now.

 

 

“You okay Mick?” Was all Dr. Jimenez asked. Mickey nods his head yes. “Okay well you can go home if you want. Just remember to relax, take it easy, and write down what you remember and how you’re feeling okay. But remember the things I taught you and what we’ve been doing….alright?” She tells Mickey.

 

 

“Okay” Mickey says and walks out of her office and into the parking lot. Shortly after leaving the office he comes to a stop while in the parking lot when he sees Ian and Colt talking. Why was Colt here? He didn’t ask him to come get him or anything like that? And he sure as hell did tell him to what time he had therapy. For some reason Mickey decided to not let his presences be known and just walk over to them silently to hear him them talk.

 

 

Ian had walked out of the Dr. Jimenez office; shit was too much to bare and he knew he should have told Mickey he couldn’t come today. Why did he agree to that? Oh yeah because it was the right thing to do.  Ian really didn’t have anything to do today. Debbie didn’t need to be picked up from anywhere and he was off from work today. What he didn’t expect was to bump into Colt when he left Dr. Jimenez off.

 

 

Colt walks up to Ian and stops right in front of him. “So you’re here?”

 

 

Ian rolls his eyes at Colt. “Yeah, what you’d want?” Ian spats out at Colt.

 

 

“Oh nothing….just came to pick up my boyfriend is all? You know me a Mickey got back together last night. I mean we were together just we had a few mishaps here and there. What with Nick and you being in the way.” Colt says bitterly to Ian.

 

 

Ian shakes his head and processes to walk away. “I don’t have time for your shit.” Was all he said, but Colt stops him again and steps right in front of him again. Ian stops and looks at Colt like he was crazy “What do you want!?” Ian spats out again and this time he’s even more annoyed.

 

 

Colt smirks. “I want gloat….I want to make sure Mickey is Mickey and not Nick any more. See once he’s fully integrated you can be gone for good. Out of our lives forever Ian; but do you know what I want you to see and understand is that it’s always been me. You never stood a chance with him. Somewhere in that brain of yours, you thought that you were gonna be happily ever fucking after with my boyfriend! How can you possibly fall in love with someone who isn’t really? ……God you’re pathetic.” Colt says to Ian smiling at him.

 

 

The way Ian looks at Colt now was as if looks could kill. Colt would’ve been dead once he first started talking, but that wasn’t Ian. Ian clenches his fist and shook his head. “Fuck. You.” Was all Ian said and pushes Colt out of his way; Colt almost fell back from Ian’s hard push but he didn’t care because like he said, he felt like he won.

 

 

However what Colt didn’t know was that Mickey saw everything and over heard it all.  Mickey sees Colt leave in his car and drive off. He wasn’t here to see Mickey or pick him up, he as there to taunt Ian. Mickey turns around and goes to his car. But before he gets in his car, he sees Ian was still in the parking lot smoking blunt. He didn’t know if it would be good idea or not to go him. But he does anyway. “I thought cops aren’t allowed to smoke that stuff?” Mickey says walking towards Ian. Ian turns to looks at him. He then makes a face and turns back around trying to ignore Mickey. It didn’t go unnoticed to Mickey

 

 

“We’re not.” Ian says dryly to Mickey. “But I haven’t had one of these in a long time so I’m overdue. It’s either this or drinking and I can drink and drive, I’m still a cop.” Ian says not looking at Mickey.

 

 

After a few moments Mickey speaks. “Hey ah about what happened back there in the office I-ah….you okay man?” He asked, and Mickey knew it was a stupid question to ask, but he wanted to see if Ian would tell him. If not he would just leave.

 

 

A few tears left Ian’s face and he turns quickly away from Mickey to answer “Yeah! Yeah I’m fine and what not!” Was all he said. His voice breaking a bit and then Ian turns too look at Mickey when he felt his eyes dried up a little.

 

 

Unfortunately for Ian, Mickey saw his eyes slightly red and he called bullshit “You know you’re a fucking horrible liar right?” Mickey says to him and Ian smiles at him.

 

 

“Oh yeah how so?” Ian asked

 

 

“Because I just know...I mean –“ Mickey was trying to say but then Ian cut him off

 

 

“You back with Colt?” Ian blurts out.

 

 

Mickey wasn’t taken back by the question Ian asked him. After what he overheard Colt and him talking, he figured Ian might ask. “No and yeah…I mean yeah, but not really.” Mickey says. Ian looks at him with confusion, and Mickey goes ahead and continues to talk. “Last night, I don’t know what happened really but he like assumed we were together again. I just didn’t correct him and I don’t know why I didn’t.” Mickey says while playing with his finger nails.

 

 

Ian got off the hood of the car he was leaning on quickly. “Yeah well good luck with that!” Ian snaps and turns to walk away but was stops by Mickey.

 

 

Mickey grabs Ian by the arm and Ian stops and looks at Mickey. “Ian?”

 

 

“What?....What it is Mickey? What else do you want from me?” Ian says coldly to Mickey. He had to start to try and let Nick go and this is how he is going to do it.

 

 

Now Mickey is taken back a little from the way Ian spoke to him, but understood none the less. “I’m sorry.” Was all Mickey said “I’m so fucking sorry.”

 

 

Ian just nods his head. “Do me a favor Mickey, and stop fucking apologizing because it’s getting fucking old!” and walks away getting in his car driving off. Mickey didn’t need to know that Ian let out his tears as he drove away. Mickey definitely didn’t need to know what Ian’s next move was, because well in a way it was none of his business anymore.

 

 

After Ian left Mickey stood at the parking lot for a few moments; he felt horrible and new he shouldn’t. Maybe he should disappear and be gone? He thought to himself. He felt and thought it would make shit so much easier. Mickey dug is nails into his wrist and exhaled in relieve when he puncher his skin. He then turns to get into his car. He took a deep breath in and exhaled it out. He drove home and before he got out of his car, he texts Ian ‘ _don’t hate me please’_  was all he wrote. Ian didn’t respond to him and Mickey for some reason knew he wouldn’t but in a way hoped he would.

 

 

Mickey goes upstairs to his loft apartment. When he gets up there he sees that Colt is waiting for him.  Mickey was annoyed and pissed off at Colt for what he did, and he was even more upset for being somewhat manipulated in away. But even Colt should have known better, even when Mickey told Colt he wasn’t ready for a relationship and needed to focus on him. Mickey fucked up by even thinking Colt cared enough or changed a little. ‘Why do I keep messing things up? Why do I keep falling of the same bullshit and not stand up for what I want for once?’ Mickey thought to himself more.

 

 

“What’d you want Colt?” Mickey says dryly to Colt as he is walking towards his door where Colt is at.

 

 

“I just wanted to spend some time with you baby, you know have some us time. It’s been awhile” Colt says to Mickey wrapping his arms around him.

 

 

Mickey steps out of Colts hold, and looks at him. “No! There’s no us okay! I told you, I have to get my shit together. We have to work on us I get that, but I have to work on me first before I can get to me and you. Which right now I don’t see happening.” Mickey says to Colt without blinking an eye.

 

 

Colt is dumb founded by Mickey’s outburst. “Baby what’s wrong? Why are you so pissed?”

 

 

“Why Colt? You wanna know why!? Because I told you what I needed and apparently you don’t get it! You have to wait, you have to give me my space and let me get better. I need you to wait…If you can’t then leave. Me and you, we can’t be together until I’m well! I can’t be with no one until I’m better….Don’t you get that?” Mickey says to Colt.

 

 

“So what I can be with you? Mickey I thought we…You know you come back from therapy and you’re all riled up and-” Colt started to say but Mickey cuts him right off.

 

 

“No you didn’t think, just like you didn’t think I knew what you did earlier today with Ian!” Mickey says with a bit of angry in his voice.

 

 

Colt is a little surprised that Mickey Knew. “What your buddy Ian told you I bumped into him something, because whatever the fuck he said is bullshit!”

 

 

Mickey honestly can’t believe this guy right now. “No Colt! I overheard everything… I saw how you taunted him, how you rubbed it in his face that me and you are together when we’re not…. And no we’re not, and that’s all my was fault. I should have never let you stay over last night, I should’ve said no to you….And you know what? If you so call love me then you will wait till I’m better at least. SO then we can try to work on what the fuck ever this is anymore, but me and you.” (Mickey does a hand gesture movement between him and Colt) “We can’t this….I can’t. For once I’m saying no, and I’m fucking sticking to it…I need to be alone and do this. I need to be strong on my own and not depend on anyone but me…Because in the long run Colt, it’s always gonna be me by myself. I don’t need a boyfriend or whatever I need a friend, I need support. Not a boyfriend.” Mickey says to Colt

 

 

Colt is silent for a moment and he’s taking in everything that was just said to him. He nods his head at Mickey, but before he left, Colt went towards Mickeys and looks at him. “I wasn’t thinking and I shouldn’t have done that. It’s just Mick…he had you for so long and I was just here and there waiting for you…I just wanted you to come back to me so we can be together and one day get married and settle down with a house and the whole nine yards and shit.” Mickey looks at Colt and frowns, but Colt still kept talking. “I want all of that with you, but then when I found out Ian married you, well Nick. But still he had you, and he had the house, and he had the dreams that were mine! I got pissed the fuck off. I got fed up and- (Colt sighed) I got fed up and I just wanted to make him hurt like I did.” Colt says lowering his head down looking at his hands.

 

 

Mickey looks at Colt and he is so confused, he didn’t know what to feel, or how to act right now. He placed his hand underneath Colts chin and makes him look at him. “I don't know what I want or need right now okay; apart of me wants be with you, but the other part of me just needs to be alone.” He says in a low voice. Did I just say that? Did I really mean that? Does Mickey want to be with Colt again? Fuck he didn't know what he wanted, but what he knows he needs now is time to get better. “But I have to get better…you doing that and doing what you’re doing now, isn’t making the situation better. And I don’t know how many times I have to tell you I’m sorry, but I’m gonna stop apologizing because I can’t do this anymore….You know, I had no idea you felt like that and for that I am truly sorry, and that will be my last apology…. But I’m here now and I know I’m getting stronger. It’s just if you can’t hold on and wait I get that, and no hard feelings. But for the first time in a long time…I’m putting me first. Not you, not Ian, not my sister, and not my brothers…me. Do you get that at all?” Mickey says to Colt.

 

 

Colt nods his head at Mickey and looks away from Mickey. Colt leans in and kisses Mickey. Mickey kisses back, but breaks the kiss and looks at Colt. Colt is slightly annoyed that Mickey broke the kiss and turns away from him. With that, Colt then left Mickey’s building storming out in a way. The slam of the door to the stair case said it all; it left Mickey by himself to think before he entered his apartment. A few moments later Mickey was now laying down on his bed just thinking to himself about everything. Then he hears –

 

 

“ _You really believe half the shit that came out of his mouth?”_ Nick says to Mickey laying down right next to him.

 

 

Mickey turns his head to look at Nick and slightly chuckles to himself. “What are doing here?” Mickey says tiredly to Nick, and turns to look up at the sealing.

 

 

 _Nick shrugs his shoulders while stilly laying down next to Mickey._ _“Oh nothing…just watching that shitty ass display Colt was doing…blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. God does he ever get tired of hearing himself talk?_ ” Nick says looking up at the sealing.

 

 

Mickey turns his head from looking up at the sealing and looks at Nick. “Don’t.” Mickey sights. “Don’t you ever get tired of fucking up my life or trying to take it?”

 

 

Nick gives Mickey a fake shocked expression. “ _What? Me. Nooooo. Besides I’m the only one looking out for yah you know.”_  Nick says now sitting up looking at Mickey who was still laying down.

 

 

Mickey then sits up and looks at his alter. “Oh yeah the whole you and me verses the world or some shit?” Mickey asked Nick with a small smile on his face.

 

 

Nicks face fell a little “ _Yeah something like that….. So do you really believe in all that shit that shithead said because I know you Mickey. You can’t lie to me remember that.” Nick says to him._

 

 

Mickey rolls his eyes at Nick and leans back against his head board. “Then you know the answer.... Why the fuck are you here Nick? I’m not letting you out. I’m stronger than you and so you can just-” Mickey tries to say but Nick cuts him off.

 

 

“ _Oh cut the shit! You know damn well that once we start to try to integrate again, I’m gonna be the one to come back out. You might as well be gone and leave. You’re not going to be able to handle it Mickey!”_  Nick says and now he is taunting Mickey.  _“You’re not gonna be able to handle the cries! The pain, the memory of everything that happened to us; Do you wanna remember now? You want me show you a little glimpse of the past.”_ Nick says with a low threaten voice  _“Because I can, do you wanna remember?”_

 

 

Mickey closes his eyes tight and is holding his head rocking back and forth “Shut up! GO the fuck away! LEAVE ME ALONE!” he shouts at Nick. When he opens his eyes, he’s alone again in the room. He rubs his eyes and just sits there thinking about everything. He grabs the book he had on the night stand and opens it up to a blank page and wrote

 

 

_** My thoughts kill me and I feel more alone than I have ever been.  I feel like I can’t do anything right. I’m sorry for being the one who hurts the one he loves. I’m sorry I can’t love you, I’m sorry I put you all through this. I’m sorry I’m not the person you want me to be, I’m sorry you had to deal with my shit. I’m mostly sorry for being such a burden even when no one say I am, I see it in everyone’s eyes. I even see It in my eyes. I’m sorry I apologies so much, because Honestly….I’m sorry for being here and lying in a bed all alone with no one to hold or love me. I know who I am....Don't I? at least that's what I thought, but now I don't know the person in the mirror anymore. ** _

 

 

Mickey looks down at what he wrote and sighs to himself. He thought it was useless to write down what was in his mind. He figures it’s not his mind really. He gets up, showers and then stands looking at himself in front of the mirror. He traces his fingers around his arms near his wrist and puts his long sleeve shirt on. He went straight to bed and fell instantly asleep.

 

 

************** 

 

Mickey is moving in his sleep, he is dreaming and what he is dreaming he didn’t like at all. He was little and he was hiding again.

 

_They touch him. He can’t take it; he doesn’t want this to happen to him No not this. “Please stop” he’s begging them. The other man comes and brushes his fingers across his chest and tell him “Don’t worry Mikhailo, remember are game were gonna make you feel good and you’re gonna make us feel good okay.”_

 

 

_“I’m not Mikhailo, I’m Nikolai!” He shouts at them._

_“This again kid…Whatever, get on the bed and lay down NOW!” The man says to him. His voice was familiar. They were taking pictures of him, touching him and having Nick pose in different ways looking at the camera. When he refuses to do it anymore, he gets hit across the face, when he started to tear up, the belt came down on his legs hard and he yelled while they laughed at him._

 

 

Mickey didn’t want this, he needed not to sleep anymore. He tries to get up, he tries to force himself up, but it was like he was being held down forced to watch. It was like this big impact of weight on him and he was afraid that he couldn’t wake up, that this wasn’t a dream! Mickey forced himself to wake up with everything that he could. “STOP!” he yells out, and looks around in the room and realizes he was by himself and is sweating.

 

 

***********************

 

 

Mickey had just came back from his therapy session and was at the garage now working on a few cars for the day to distract him. He and Dr. Jimenez talked about the dreams he was having, and about feeling trapped, and how the nightmares made him feel trapped inside.  He didn’t feel like talking much today, Mickey just wanted to drown himself in his work. He even turned off his phone; especially when Colt kept texting him throughout the day. He really didn’t want to deal with anyone. However Mandy thought differently, and as Mickey saw her coming over towards him, he notices how pissed off she looks for some reason.

 

 

“You’re fucking back with Colt?” She says in a low venomous voice

 

 

Mickey looks at her and gave her face and shook his head “What the fuck are you going on about Mandy?” Mickey asked to her.

 

 

Mandy didn’t look amuse one bit “I of course was at Ian’s house a few days ago and he came home pissed off and looking hurt.” Mandy says and now she is walking with her hands. She always does this when she upset or excited. Mickey chooses the latter. “Not to mention he was high, which by the way isn’t like him. Then he so happily tells me that you and Colt are back together; so what the fuck Mickey!?”

 

 

Mickey looks at his sister and rolls his eyes at her. “First of all okay, me and Colt aren’t exactly back together. Ian didn’t give me a chance to explain, he just left.” Mickey tells her.

 

 

Mandy makes a face at him “So what Colt told Ian was what then Mickey? Is it true, not true, somewhat of what the fuck? What is it then Mick!?” Mandy asked. It was like a 1001 fucking question with this girl.

 

 

Mickey is getting pissed off and didn’t want to deal with anything right now but focus on fixing the car in front of him. “Mandy it’s none of your fucking concern okay! Who I’m fucking is no one’s concern and it sure hell isn’t any of Ian’s fucking business either. And he shouldn’t go off just fucking telling my fucking business to just anyone.” Mickey says snapping out at her.

 

 

Mandy out of all her brother was the one who had the worse temper. “OH SO I’M ANYBODY MICK!” She shouts at him and he glares at her as everyone in the shop was looking at them. She turns around to the people in the shop “What the fuck are you all looking at! Get back to fucking work!” She shouts out and then looks back at Mickey “So I’m anyone then huh? Me. Your sister, and plus why the fuck are you not exactly with Colt? What the fuck does that even mean Mickey!”

 

 

Mick is even more pissed now. “Fuck you Mandy! You know that’s not what I meant; and again it’s my business not yours or any fucking body else for that matter.” Mickey says and stormed out of the garage area and into his office with Mandy right behind him.

 

 

“Mickey you’re making a fucking Mistake! Colt is a jerk and is only going fuck with you and hurt you. Shit he hasn’t even been there for you and I even got into a fight with him because of your disorder!” Mandy says to Mickey.

 

 

Mickey was getting more irritated with his sister and really wanted her to drop it. He could have told Mandy that him and Colt weren’t together. But this was his business, his situation and no one else’s. “Mandy! What part of mind your fucking business do you not get!” He says to her.

 

 

Mandy shakes her head at her brother in disbelief. “You should be with Ian! He’s better for you and-“ Mandy didn’t get a chance to finish what she was saying, because that’s was when Mickey cut her off and blew up on her.

 

 

“Ian want Nick! I’m not fucking Nick Mandy! Plus if you want him so fucking bad why don’t you fuck him and take him? Huh, he’ll probably be the only descent guys you’ll ever have! You know one that won’t use you or fucking cheat on you for once!” Mickey says to Mandy. He immediately regrets saying it, as soon as came out of his mouth, once he sees Mandy expression. He hurt her and he didn’t mean to do that. “Shit Mandy I didn’t mean I.”

 

 

Mandy cuts Mickey off while he is trying to apologies to her. “No Mickey you meant it alright…and you know what?  _Fuck You!_  You wanna be with a piece of shit by all means go right the fuck ahead. But don’t you fucking dare talk about me and my pass like you’re so fucking perfect you prick. And don’t fucking come looking for me when he ends up fucking up! AGAIN!” Mandy says and storms out of office slamming the door.

 

 

Mickey stands there in silence inside of his office and was beyond pissed off. He grabs his keys and goes to the one place he knew his problem originally came from and is going solve it once and for all.

 

****************************

 

Ian was at home resting. He had a rough day at work and just wanted to relax. There was a shootout at one of the corners stores where he and his partner were patrolling at. Ian was grazed in the arm; nothing big or major really in his eyes, but his captain told him and his partner to take the next few days off and rest. So now here is at home, in the sala reading a book drinking the shake that he made when he hears the front door to the house open up. He’s surprised to see that it was Mickey coming through the door and he looks upset as if something was wrong.

 

 

Ian gets up slowly and “Hey you okay? What’s wrong Mickey, I know that look.” Was all he says and then.

 

 

Mickey goes up to Ian and punches him in the face. Ian takes a few steps back from the hit. “You’re what the fuck is wrong with me Ian.” Mickey says

 

 

Ian looks Mickey like he’s crazy (no pun intended). “What the fuck was that for Mickey? What I’d do to you?” Ian shout at him.

 

 

“You’re a fucking mono man…You went ahead and told Mandy that me and Colt were back together and she’s giving me shit for it now!" Mickey says angrily to Ian.

 

 

“Well you didn’t fucking deny it when we were in the parking lot! She your fucking sister she can do whatever the fuck she wants. I didn’t tell her to go and harass you okay!” Ian says to Mickey.

 

 

“You’re!... Fucking!” Mickey yells out at Ian. “You’re a prick you know that! You didn’t even give me a fucking chance to explain, you just stormed off like some fucking child! Now I got Mandy in my business and I sure as hell don’t need you in my fucking business okay. Next time why don’t you let someone talk before you storm off asshole!” Mickey says to Ian.

 

 

Ian looks at Mickey and is dumb founded “I’m sorry?” he says to Mickey.

 

 

“Fuck you and I’m sorry Ian. I’m done!” Mickey yells out at Ian.

 

 

“Oh fuck you Mickey okay. Your shitty asshole of whatever the fuck he is comes to me. Tells me, no not even tells me, he fucking taunts at me that you’re back together and you expect me to what?” Ian slash back out at Mickey. “Huh? What the fuck do you expect from me! You expect me not to feel hurt or fucking upset! Huh? What the fuck do you expect!?” Ian nearly shouts at Mickey.

 

 

“I expected you to be better than him and not fucking get mad at me since that’s the only things I’m good at now a days. Making people’s lives miserable!” Mickey says and turns away from Ian and takes a deep breathe.

 

 

Mickey goes to leave Ian’s house but then is stopped by Ian. “Wait! wait, wait a fucking minute okay…Look don’t.” Ian sighs “Don’t leave like this okay…I am I’m sorry okay.” Ian says and Mickey looks at him.

 

 

Mickey sighs and looks at Ian. “Ian…I just want this to be over. I just want me to be whole again and not argue or defend myself for shit I do. I just want…” Mickey says to Ian. He stops and looks at Ian again with pleading eyes.

 

 

“Yeah…Yeah I get that, I know what you mean… well me to you know…but-you know I want what’s best for you and if…If being with Colt-" Ian tries to say but Mickey cuts him off quickly.

 

 

"Ian I’m not with Colt….I can’t with anyone and me and him we have a lot to work out anyways…But I have to focus on me, you know. So why would you think otherwise just because he said something?” Mickey asked

 

 

Ian was quiet and looks at Mickey. “I saw the mark on your neck…So I figured what he said was true…that maybe you…Fuck Mickey I don’t know man.” Ian sighs and sits down on the sofa looking defeated. He winces a bit when he accidently hit his arm.

 

 

Mickey notices Ian’s arm but doesn’t say anything. He looks down at Ian and sits next to him. Ian looks at him and smiles. “Me and Colt did hook up a few night ago, but. Honestly we're not together okay. Plus, me and you have to get past each other, pass this... Ian I want us to be friends, we have some form of a relationship, like a bond and I get that. But what Colt told you was fucked up and I’m sorry. But me and him…I can’t. Not with him or anyone right now." Mickey says looking Ian dead in his eyes as he spoke.

 

 

 

Ian looks at Mickey and looks his back down at his hands. “I know Mick, I want what’s best for you, you know.” Ian says to Mickey and both eyes lock with each other. And for a long moment their looking at each other, just staring at one another not saying anything but everything as well. Then all of a sudden no one knew who leaned in first or what. But both men kissed each other slow yet fiercely. In a split second they were just talking and now they were kissing each other. Ian didn’t want to let go of Mickey but he pulls back and looks at Mickey.

 

 

Mickey couldn’t processes what just happen and that kiss. That kiss scared him; he looks at Ian and is trying to say something but nothing came out. Then in an instant of coming back down to earth Mickey spoke “Ian…I can’t, we can’t. I mean we shouldn’t have done that.” Mickey says quickly.

 

 

Ian nods his head and stands up. Mickey is right behind him and goes to towards the door to leave, but then is stopped when he feels Ian grab his arm. Mickey looks up at Ian and gives him a questionable look.  “Thanks…and for the record I don’t hate….I can never hate you.” Ian says to Mickey

 

 

Mickey smiles because he knows what Ian is talking about. When Mickey text Ian a while ago telling Ian not to hate him. It seemed like when they got into an argument they were pulled together for some reason. Mickey nods his head at Ian and “Ian?” Mickey says and Ian hums to him in an answer, then Mickey speaks “Ah next week we’re going to try another integration…Will you be there or do you want to be there?” Mickey asked slightly nervous. He feels Ian should be there.

 

 

Ian smiles at Mickey and Mickey hitches his breathe when Ian leans in and kisses his cheek. Mickey closes his eyes at the touch of Ians lips on his cheek. He opens his eyes when Ian moves to at him again. “Yeah…Yeah I’ll be there for yah Mick.”

 

 

Mickey give Ian a small smile and nods his head “Thanks” Mickey says and walks out of the house and goes to his car, but before he gets in his car. He looks back and sees Ian there at the door with a sad face and wave bye. Mickey can’t help but feel that right now, at this moment as he drives off that he’s doing the right thing for himself; because for once in his life. Mickey is going to know who he is, because he’s doing the right thing for him and is taking care of himself first.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All I can say it that the next chapter is gonna be heavy and there going to be a lot of angst to come. Sorry but im giving you a heads up.


	27. Revealing the Truth…Integration and the Pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for everyone still staying with this story. soon a new chapter very soon xoxoxox. Remember this chapter is dark so heads up with that.
> 
> Okay so this chapter is dark, I was even more darker but I felt that maybe no one would like that so I trimmed it down a lot. This chapter isn't as long as the others, but long none the less. I will tell you that this chapter has Major Trigger warns of child sexual abuse, so please be aware of that. I made this chapter different from the rest. Here I put it and noted how we are able to see inside Mickey's mind and outside of his mind as you guys get to see what I vision for this. As many people know its hard sometime to bring what you vision to writing so that others can see what you see play out. I hope you guys get to see how I played it out.
> 
> Remember this is my first fanfic, I did have this in mind to play out and I have a friend of mines who helped me to explain Mickey's mind as his was the same when he was being integrate. With that being said please let me know what you guys think. I do love reading your comments and I appreciate the book marks and subscriptions and kudos. 
> 
> Again all mistakes are mine I have no Beta so I do apologies.

It had been a few days before leading up to Friday….Friday….Friday! Fuck! Friday was the day everything was going to happen again. It could end up being worse that the last time. Mickey could be gone for a long time this time around or maybe another alter would come out? Maybe Nick really wouldn’t help Mickey this time around and things would get too much for Mickey that he would check out. Would Nick let that happen to him? At this point Mickey didn’t know anything. Him and Dr. Jimenez saw each other again as usual, but decided that Mickey needed a rest from everything. So for the next couple of days, Mickey was to relax and really think about what he wanted to do. He still had the option of not going through with the integration processes and saying no. But Mickey wanted to do this. He wanted to get things over and done with.

 

 

Mickey tries to call Mandy and apologize but got nothing, he left her voice messages telling her about Friday and that he wanted her there. He left a voice mail for Iggy to, because when he was at the garage this week he got into it with Iggy and heated words were exchanged. Along with fist as well; so right now two of his siblings weren’t speaking to him. If they didn’t show up on Friday he didn’t know what he was going to do. He tried to apologize, but Mickey figured they were tired of his bullshit, and left him…he felt more alone then anything and god forbid he tell Collin how he feels about being alone because then Collin would say something and then Leah would say something then it would get back to Charlene and he didn’t want that mess.

 

 

So here he was all alone in the shop just thinking and messing with his car. After replacing the transmission and fucking around with the engine for a bit. Mickey decided to wire the radio and make sure the car heater and AC were properly working. He wasn’t the one who could replace them and installed them, but still he wanted to make sure everything was okay. This was his car, so no one was allow to touch it. After finishing up with that, he wipes his hands with his rage and went into his office. The shop is closed and he is there by himself. So he decided to turn on his laptop. To his amazement it turns out Nick had made himself a login profile on his computer. Go figured; but curiosity got the better of Mickey and he click on the profile.

 

 

There was a bunch of videos and it appeared to be of him and Ian. There are also a music programs and different songs that Nick was mixing with and making. There were pictures as well; so Mickey clicked on them. What he found makes him sit back, and well he didn’t know what to feel. There were pictures of him and Ian, well Ian and Nick, so yeah him and Ian. What the fuck ever. He thought to himself.  Anyways there were picture of them. They were smiling and looking at each other, and there was a few of them where it looked like they were laughing. There was some of Mandy and Ian and Nick at a club. There were some with Ian’s sister Debbie. Some of just Ian sleeping and some of just Nick taking selfies, which Mickey still doesn’t get the point of doing that. He’s not one for Picture or fucking selfies, but there was this one picture, one that caught his attention.

 

 

It was an old picture of his mother. She was pregnant with him he assumes because of her belly and the fact that Mandy is in the picture with Collin, and Iggy.  The picture is labeled under as, “Our Mom.” Mickey touches the screen and smiles. He wishes he knew his mom, and he’s assuming Nick did as well. She was beautiful, she had dark jet black hair like his and Mickey and Mandy’s blue eyes they got from her. It even looked like Mandy had her smile. Mickey wondered why Nick had a picture of this on the laptop, but he didn’t further wonder into it.

 

 

He views a few videos that Nick made. He laughs at the shit he did. There was one where Nick just followed Ian around Ian’s house. Nick was asking Ian dump question and making Ian laugh, which was contagious because Mickey was laughing as well. When Mickey got to one video, he was stunned by what he was watching. It was Nick, well him actually, and he was smiling holding a guitar.

 

 

“Ian put the fucking camera down!” Nick says looking at the camera. Mickey assumed Ian of course is holding the camera.

 

 

“NO! I want to record this and keep it like forever.” Ian says with such passion that you can tell he wasn’t gonna back down.

 

 

“OMG you’re ruining our night you know that right; with that shit on recording me!” Nick says not looking at the camera but playing with the guitar.

 

 

“Fuck you! So it’s okay for you to record me and bug me, but when I want to record you singing to me I can’t.” Ian says to Nick all sassy like.

 

 

Nick gives Ian a face and then whines. “IIIIaaaaaan! Come the fuck on man, no one needs to know I’m singing to you!”

 

 

The camera moves a little and it was moving around the room as Ian was walking towards Nick more. “And no one will you prick! So shut the fuck up and give me this present! You said you would.” Ian says to Nick with his puppy eyes.

 

 

“Yeah but I ain’t say you were gonna fucking record me.” Nick shot back at Ian with no heat behind his voice.

 

 

Ian decided to tease Nick a bit. “Aww are you shy over the camera, because I can tell you, the other tape we made you weren’t so shy then.” Ian says smugly to Nick.

 

 

“Fuck you okay!” Nick says laughing and is blushing. “That was our sex tape and I wanted to see how I looked. Plus I told you I was right about how you make that face right before you cum. Caught that shit on tape! So your ass can’t be like ‘oh no I fucking don’t’” Nick says trying to imitate Ians voice and is laughing.

 

 

Mickey was even laughing and made a mental note to find that video and erase it. He didn’t want a video of him having sex with Ian together for anyone to see. Mickey focused back on to the video again he saw Ian throwing a shirt at Nick and Nick gave him a face and the finger. “Please Nick…for me, just let me have this. No one will see it pleeeeeeeease. This is my wedding gift you said you would give me so  _give me it!_  And let me record it.” Ian says to Nick. 

 

 

Nick gives Ian who was holding the camera a mischievous smile. “Oh I’ll give it you alright” Nick says while licking his lips and biting down on his bottom lip looking at the camera but you can tell he was looking at Ian.

 

 

The camera goes down. “You’re not funny asshole! Plus I would be the one giving it to you anyway.” Ian says.

 

 

Nick looks at him and smiles “Well we can always switch up you know?” Nick says laughing and then sighs. He shakes his head but smiles at Ian like Mickey had never seen himself smile at anyone before.  “Fine you prick, but if I see this shit on any social media, Ima fuckin ripe your fucking dick off I swear to god!” Nick says threaten Ian but with no heat behind his voice.

 

 

“Promise! Cross my heart, swear to die and stick a dirty needle in my eye.” Ian says laughing now putting the camera down, so that he sat next to Nick.

 

 

Nick gives Ian a look as he sat down on the bed next to each other “Really? We’re going back to kindergarten and shit with cross my heart and the swears to die and shit?” Nick asked Ian. Ian just shrugs his shoulders smiling at Nick like he’s the moon and the stars in the sky. “Fine, fuck it. You ready Red?” Nick asked Ian and Ian smiles nodding his head.

 

 

Nick then takes the guitar in his hands and mumbles something under his breath. Ian just rolls his eyes but smiles at him. Nick begins playing with the acoustic guitar, and then started playing it looking at Ian as he sings to him.

__

_**I’ve been beaten down,** _

_**I’ve been Kicked around,** _

_**But he takes it all for me.** _

_**And I lost my faith,** _

_**In my darkest days,** _

_**But he makes me want to believe.** _

 

_**They call him love, love, love, love, love.** _

_**They call him love, love, love, love, love.** _

__

__

_**He is love, and he is all I need.** _

Ian hitches his breath and Nick opens his eyes to see Ians face. He looks at Ian and smiles as he plays the little course of music before he starts singing again and this time he’s looking at Ian the whole time

 

_**He’s all I need.** _

_**Well, have my ways,** _

_**They were all in vain,** _

_**But he waited patiently.** _

_**It was all the same** _

_**All my pride and shame,** _

_**And he put on my feet.** _

__

__

_**They call him love, love, love, love, love.** _

_**They call him love, love, love, love, love.** _

__

 

Mickey couldn’t help but notice the way Ian smiles in the video and has tears in his eyes when Nick was singing to him. The way Nick was looking at Ian was a way Mickey never looked at anyone before. Mickey was broken out of his train of thought when he notice the music stop playing and he saw Nick wipe happy tears off of Ian’s face as he smiles. He went back to playing the guitar again not taking his eyes away from Ian.

__

 

_**And when our world slows down, dear** _

_**And when those stars burn out, here** _

_**Oh he’ll be there, yes he’ll be there,** _

__

__

_**They call him love, love, love, love, love.** _

_**They call him love, love, love, love, love.** _

 

_**He is love and he is all I need** _

_**He is love and he is all I need** _

 

Nick stops singing and just plays the guitar while smiling at Ian and Ian smiles back at him, but Nick didn’t finish the song because it was Ian who sang the last verse

 

__

_**“He is he is all I need.”** _

 

Mickey smiles at the video but then his smile fades away quickly. He stops the video and turns off the laptop and puts it in his bag. He just sits there, in his thought. No one was around, no one to talk to, just no one to…Mickey decides then to go home. He gets up and leaves the shop and heads out.

 

 

The next day went and came like nothing; Mickey stood home from work, and lounged around. He decided not to try and call Mandy or Iggy. He figured they were coming and didn’t want to see him. But he did send Ian a text message reminding him of tomorrow and if he was still going come. Ian told him yes he would still come. Mickey knew Colt was going to be there as well as Collin, and Leah. He just really wanted his other brother and sister there. Pushing them would only make them mad. That much he knew from experience.

 

 

The doorbell rang and Mickey pauses the game he was playing and gets up to answer it. Opening the door he was shocked to find that it was Debbie at the door. “What are you doing here?” Was the first thing he says to Debbie.

 

 

“Hi! To you to Mickey.” Debbie says slightly sarcastic at him, as she causally walks past him into his apartment. “I was just in the neighborhood and just came by to see if you’re alright?” Debbie says causally as she makes her way further into the apartment.

 

 

“Did Ian send you to like check up on or some shit?” Mickey asked her

 

 

Debbie turns around and gives Mickey a face. “No you ass! Can’t a girl come by and see if her formally ex-best friend slash ex-brother in law to be and see how he’s doing and if every things okay?” Debbie simply says to Mickey. Mickey gives her a questionable look, and with that Debbie sighs and tells Mickey why she was here. “Okay so I came here to check up on you because Mandy asked me to okay?”

 

 

“Is she still fucking mad at me?” Mickey asked

 

 

“Oooh big time man. She said something about removing your vocal cords and making an instrument out of them.” Debbie says while laughing. “I told she should just remove your balls and have them as a souvenir. But then she said one day she would like nieces and nephews. So I said yeah, removing your vocal cords is okay to.” Debbie says with a small smile on her face.

 

 

Mickey looks at Debbie with his eyes wide at her. He’s slightly frighten of what his sister and soon to be ex-sister in law talk about. He just nods his head at her and yeah that does sound like something Mandy would say and do. “How long do you think she gonna stay mad at me for?” Mickey says with a sigh.

 

 

Debbie looks at him slightly sad, because she knows Mickey feels bad. She can just tell from the expression on his face. “Honestly I don’t know Mickey. Me being here should say she might be mad at you for a long time and clearly doesn’t want to see you.” Debbie says and she notice Mickey’s face change again and become even more sadder; if that were even possible. “But I mean you know Mandy right? She can be that way, just give her some time.” Debbie says trying to brighten Mickey’s spirts up.

 

 

“I don’t have time; I kinda need her and Iggy for tomorrow.” Mickey says to her now walking back into the sala.

 

 

Debbie follows Mickey and asks “What’s tomorrow?”

 

 

Mickey looks at her and sigh. “I’m a, I’m try another integration attempt. I’ve been calling her and Iggy but there not returning my calls or text messages. Iggy and her haven’t been at the main shop when I’m around so….” Mickey says shrugging his shoulder and trailing off “I….I don’t fucking know.”

 

 

Debbie sits next to Mickey and picks up the control and starts playing the game. “Well, have you tried to apologize for being such a prick?” Debbie says to him while playing the Metal Gear game and not looking at Mickey

 

 

Mickey rolls his eyes and turns to look at Debbie. “You thinking I haven’t?” He says to her and Debbie stops playing the game and looks at Mickey.

 

 

“Mickey…look I know me and you aren’t close not like…well the other you. But you really need to see that not everyone is against you. So Mandy said what she said granted. Take it like a big boy and don’t say shit that will hurt her, because right now you need her and guess what she’s not here. It’s not because she mean or a bitch, it’s because you’re an asshole and you’re scared so you’re taking it out on her.” Debbie says to him bluntly.

 

 

“I’m not scared!” Mickey says instantly

 

 

Debbie gives Mickey a bitch face. “Yes you are Mickey! You’re scared that when all this is said and done; that you’re going to be someone that no one recognizes or that no one will want to be around. You’re scared of yourself, of who you are or who you will be. You’re scared that no matter what happens you know you’re going to end up hurting someone and that’s what you hate.” Debbie says looking at him. After a moment she continues talking. “Because for some reason you don’t know why you’re feeling that way when you shouldn’t. You’re fucking scared of not being you, of not being free….And that my friend is gonna fuck you over if you keep on thinking that way.” Debbie tells him with a serious face.

 

 

Mickey scrunches up his face and is annoyed with what Debbie is telling him. He’s not afraid; no fucking way is he afraid. “What the fuck do you mean!? I’m not scared of shit okay, and I’m making sure that I’m putting myself first in all this shit okay. You don’t know shit okay! You don’t know anything about me! So yeah someone is gonna get hurt regardless, but I can’t be the fault in that, and I don’t feel bad for that.” Mickey tells Debbie.

 

 

Debbie looks at Mickey unimpressed. “Keep telling yourself that Mick, and maybe, just maybe you may believe yourself.” Was all Debbie tells him and she then continues to play the game.       

 

 

Mickey gets up from the sofa and turns to look at Debbie “Look you don’t shit about me freckles and you’re wrong.”

 

 

Debbie stops playing the game and looks at Mickey. She gives him a questionable look and then places the controller down on the coffee table and stands up to look at Mickey. “I may not know you, but apart of you I do know. And I know I’m not wrong. You do the same thing Nick does because you guys are one person. That much I know and so do you. You divert, and right now you’re doing that. Trying to make yourself believe that what you’re saying is right and that you’re okay with it. And that’s okay, but one day Mick you’re going to have to face what’s in here and follow it.” Debbie says to Mickey whiling pointing to his heart on his chest.

 

 

Mickey stands in front of Debbie in silence for a moment. He walks over to his cabinet and takes out a bottle of vodka. He pours two cups full with some ice. He then grabs both cups and hands one to Debbie. She takes it willingly not mentioning to Mickey that she’s not 21 yet. Mickey just sits in silence while he watches Debbie play the video game. As he drinks his drink, he just sits back and thinks about everything and nothing at the same time. When asked what he was thinking about, Mickey looks at her and shakes his head at her. Debbie takes that answer as it is, and doesn’t push him. After a while Mickey orders in some food for him and Debbie; it was a little weird for Mickey but being with Debbie was okay. They watched a movie on Netflix as they ate and talked about how messed up it is that Netflix makes you wait a whole year for freaking Dare Devil season 2 and how crazy it was. They also talk about how Dark the new season of American Horror story was.

 

 

They laughed and when it was getting late, Debbie told Mickey she had to leave. Looking at the time he saw it was 8 at night. He wanted to offer to driver her home but instead he got her an uber car and she thanked him. Debbie gave Mickey a strong hug and kissed him on the cheek, but not before slapping him upside his head and laughing as she left his apartment. 

 

 

SO now he was alone…by himself all alone. Mickey walks out on to the balcony and looks at the city he knew and loved. His mind went somewhere else he knew it did. He felt relaxed when Debbie was here, and it was a good feeling. Not worrying and not caring for just a moment. Just to be able to enjoy a moment of life. After staring out at the Chicago city for a few minutes, Mickey then went to lay down and sleep if he could, because tomorrow was Friday….a day that will either make or break Mickey.

 

******************

 

It was quiet in the house for a bit, Mickey tries one more time in the morning before everyone got here in the afternoon. Mandy and Iggy still didn’t pick up and it left Mickey on the edge; he ended up calling Debbie asking if he heard from Mandy. She told him that the last she heard from Mandy was yesterday, when she asked her to go check up on him and see how he was doing. That even when she texted Mandy yesterday when she got home. Mandy didn’t reply to her. Debbie hears how worried Mickey was over the phone, she ends up talking to him for a few minutes to calm him down. Even with Debbie talking to him, Mickey felt a pang in his chest when he figured his sister and brother weren’t going to come. When Mickey hangs up the phone with Debbie he felt okay, but still didn’t know what to feel in a way. Maybe it was too much for Mandy and Iggy, and he respected that.

 

 

Dr. Jimenez is the first person to arrive at Mickey’s house. Soon later comes in Collin, with Leah and then Colt shortly after. So now Mickey was in the sala with Dr. Jimenez, Collin, Leah, and Colt. He’s nervous, and he’s sure now that Mandy and Iggy won’t be showing up at all. He really needed them.  He regrets even more about the stupid fight him and Mandy got into, and the whole fucking fight him and Iggy. It ended with him telling Iggy to go fuck himself and to just leave him alone. He honestly couldn’t remember what the fight was about now.

 

 

A few minutes pass on by and still nothing. Mickey was still waiting for Ian. He said he would be here. If his brother and sister weren’t coming, Ian was. A part of him was hopeful for that. He silently prayed for a miracle thought, but he was sure he wouldn’t get it. Not to long after that; it was to his amazement and shock when the doors to the sala open up revealing both Mandy and Iggy walking inside towards him. Mickeys smiles was big and he is happy to see them both here finally.

 

 

“Hey! You guys made it- you came!” Mickey says hugging Iggy and then Mandy tightly.

 

 

Iggy smiles at his brother as he responses to him. “Of course we’d come man; no matter what I got we back bro.” Iggy says. 

 

 

“Yeah Ig’s right. We’re always gonna be here for you Mick, no matter how much of a pain in an ass  _you are_.” Mandy says smiling at her brother and she walks up to Mickey giving him a big hug again. She hears Mickey say in a low whisper “I’m sorry.” She just hugs him even more tighter before she lets him go.

 

 

“We also brought someone who wanted to be here…so don’t get mad.” Iggy says and gives his brother a kiss on the forehead. That was something Iggy hadn’t done in years, not since he was a kid.

 

 

Ian walks in the room and all eyes were on him. He’s nervous; Mickey did invite him but probably didn’t tell anyone from the looks of it. Maybe his doctor knew of course she did. Even if he weren’t invited he did however in a way felt like he needed to be here. But if Mickey changed his mind and wanted him gone he would leave. Even so, now he’s here and not everyone is happy that Ian is there right now.

 

 

Colt walks towards Ian. “What the hell are you doing here for? I’m sure you weren’t invited.” Colt says to Ian defensively.

 

Mickey steps forward and lightly pushes Colt away. “No its okay, trust me alright.” Mickey says looking at Ian and then back at Colt “You’re here for me and for Nick right?” Mickey says

 

 

Ian smiles and nods his head at Mickey. “Yeah I am here for you and Nick…At least I can say someone was here for Nick right? But you as well, and you know that.” Ian says looking at Mickey and no one else.

 

 

“Look Ian I don’t know if you should be here. I mean I get it you know, this can’t be easy, but this is for Mickey well-being.” Collin says trying to act all big brother protective

 

 

“Collin come on man stop!” Iggy says to him and Mickey stands next to Ian looking at everyone.

 

 

“It’s okay guys, like I said….trust me okay. I’m a big boy, I can make own decision and I want Ian to stay and I told him to come anyway…. I want him to be here, he needs to be here.” Mickey says looking at everyone then back at Ian.

 

 

Colt looks at Mickey a like he’s crazy and is clearly upset. He looks away so Mickey didn’t see his reaction. However Iggy and Mandy caught a glimpse and they look at one another. There was no secret that they didn’t want Colt here, but he was here and that’s how Mickey wants it. Colt told Mickey he would give him support and so Mickey accepted that.

 

 

Mickey walks a little more up to Ian and smiles. Ian looks at him and smiles back “Thanks” was all Ian says but then, “Look you know, if you need me to go I will, I don’t want to cause any problems and I don’t really know if you really do need me here.”

 

 

Mickey doesn’t look away from Ian as he speaks to him. “Yeah I do, I need everyone here…I need to be a whole person, not only for my family but for me. And you’re a part of that. So….todays the day I fight and I have to fight my battles without Nick.” Mickey says and Ian face fell. Mickey tilts his head to the side so that Ian would look at him, and Ian does. “I owe him you know? I know I do…I owe Nick a lot; he’s always been there for me and I know that…He protects me. He’s protected me my whole life, so I will always love him forever for that. And I feel like he knows that, and I want you to know that as well…I know Nicks not a bad person, just makes bad choices sometimes.” Mickey says to Ian.

 

 

Ian smiles at Mickey. “Yeah.” Ian says looking down away from Mickey “Yeah I know.” Ian says sadly and looks back at Mickey with glassy eyes.

 

 

“Ian…you know we have to give him up right…Me and you…we have to say goodbye to him.” Mickey says sadly to Ian but gives him a small smile.  “Is it weird that I’m scared? I’m never scared of anything, but I’m scared of this.” Mickey says Ian. Ian smiles again at him and shakes his head no. Ian leans in and hugs Mickey and Mickey hugs him back.

 

Then he hears Ian say to him lowly “Don’t be scared of your demons. We all have them. Just let that fear melt away and don’t give up okay. Just don’t give up on yourself today or ever.” Ian and Mickey then break apart from the hug. Mickey looks at Ian and nods his head and turns around. He takes a deep breath, and walks towards the sofa.

 

 

Dr. Jimenez walks up to Mickey and gives him a reassuring smile. “Are you okay?” She asked him

 

 

Mickey nods his head yes. “I’m ready! Let’s get this shit started.” He says firmly to her and that was he all needed to say for them to begin the integration process.

 

 

Mickey then takes a seat the sofa and Dr. Jimenez sits down opposite of him and is facings Mickey now. “Okay Mick, so you know what’s going to happen now right? We’re going to begin the therapy process okay; just as we’ve discussed before.” She says and Mickey nods his head. “Okay I’m going to need you to let go of all stressful thoughts, and be completely blank and think of nothing. I just want you to relax as I count backwards from 10 okay? Just like we did in our past session and just like how we have been doing alright.” Charlene says, and Mickeys only looking at her nodding his head in agreement.

 

 

Everyone in the room is nervous. There’s a lot of intense vibes and anticipation in the air. Fear, hope, nervousness, strength, and anticipation, and so many emotions were running inside the room. Everyone is feeling this way, but yet no one’s showing it for Mickey’s sack.

 

 

Mickey nods his head again, and looks at Dr. Jimenez. He looks nervous but is determine as well. Mickey then closes his eyes, and removes everything and anything from his mind that worries him. And now it’s all blank, and he’s relaxes and his breathing is steady. Mickey begins to hear Dr. Jimenez count down. “10….9….8…7…6” and as she’s counting down he hears the numbers less and less as if he drifting away “…5…4-” Then Mickey doesn’t hear the numbers anymore.

 

                                                                                                                                                                                         ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Mickey opens his eyes; and no one speaks because they were told not to. This was the processes and actions that occur during, having Mickey being under hypnosis. So at this moment he’s seeing flashes of things and it all looks like a dream of memories. He hears Charlene talking to him as if she’s a guide for him.

 

 

“Mickey? Can you hear me?” She asked him

 

 

“Yes” Mickey says

 

 

“Okay Mickey; now you’re four old, you’re in your old house where you grew up at. Do you know what I’m talking about? Do you see that? Do you see yourself in your old childhood house where you grew up at?” Dr. Jimenez asks Mickey.

 

 

Mickey nods his head, tilts it to the right side slightly and his left eye brow goes up. And it’s as if he’s dreaming looking at what he’s remembering.

 

_Mickey sees his father walking around with his friends. Mickey is walking around and Terry yells at him for being in the way. “Get the fuck out of the way you piece of shit!” he says and Mickey moves fast away from his father. There’s drugs and money on the table, and they seems to be playing a card game in the middle of the sala. Mickey goes to knock on Mandy’s door_

 

 Mickey’s voice has changed in a childlike manner, and everyone in the room notices it. “Mandy! ...Mandy please open the door.”  Mickey says and is nervous. He’s is fiddling with is hands

 

(In the room Mandy looks at her brother and begins to silently cry and she hears her brother describing everything around him. As she hears him call for her, but she can’t do anything about it; Mickey is reliving the events of his past and it sucks that she never opened that door for him. It hurts just to watch on.)

 

** What’s happening inside of Mickey Mind: **

_When Mandy doesn’t answer the door, he goes towards Collins room. Mickey opens the door and goes inside. He sees that Collins face is bruised and hurt. He walks more further in and then he’s yelled at. “Get out! Get the fuck out of my room!” Collin yells out at Mickey._

Mickey’s voice continues to be in a childlike voice as he now speaks “B-b-b-but Collin…Daddy’s out Dere with his phwend and I don’t like it.” Mickey says as he shakes his head and has tears in his eyes.

 

_“I don’t give a shit! Get the fuck out! Now Mikhailo leave!” Collin yells out and throws something at Mickey and he runs out of his room._

 

Mickey puts his hands to his face and is trying not to cry. He removes his hands off his face and then he calls for him.

 

_Terry calls Mickey over and tells him “Come play with your old man and his friends Mickey.” Terry tells him and Mickey walks over to him slowly._

 

** What’s happening Outside of Mickey’s mind: **

“I wanna go to my room now.” Young Mickey says out loud and Dr. Jimenez knows this is Mickey pulling back.

 

 _“_ Don’t worry Mickey it will okay, you can go to your room soon, but can you tell me who you’re with?” Dr. Jimenez asked him

_Mickey is scared and its shows on his face “I can’t, I don’t want to…I want Collin but Collins mad and he doesn’t want me to go in his room with him….Mandy won’t open her door. I don’t know why. I don’t know why everyone is mad at me…..I didn’t, I don’t get it, I just want to be with someone.”_ Mickey crosses his arms and is moving his body back and forth…” _Someone please help me….I don’t want to be out here anymore. Daddy won’t let me go back in my room. Help me…someone please_!?” He continues saying and is pouting and has tears coming down his eyes.

 

 

“It’s okay Mickey you’re safe okay, we’re going to go in your room and lock it okay. So you can be safe.” Dr. Jimenez tells to Mickey and he’s nodding his head and shaking back and forth but still crying. “Mickey? Did someone go with you into your room, or did you go alone?”

 

 

Mickey wipes his face before he talks “Dey came with me, but I’m not in my room, I’m in a different room.” Mickey says sounding small.

 

 

“Do you know who took you into that room Mickey?” She asked him

 

 

Mickey nods his head yes _“Yes…Daddy said to come to him and when I didn’t do what he said he took me by the hand…He said his phwends wanted to play and that he wanted to take picture of me playing….But Daddy said I had to play with him first…that he would get me a puppy because I wanted a puppy. But I had to listen first.”_

(The room was already silent…but even if someone knocked on the door or if there was a big crash outside? No one would pay attention. Because at this moment everyone in the room was thinking the exact same things, as Mickey keep speaking.)

 

 _“_ Okay Mickey. So what happened then after you went with your daddy and he took you by the hand?” Dr. Jimenez asks Mickey carefully.

 

Mickey posture changes he sits up more and looks puzzled.  _“Daddy took my hand….and we went into the upstairs room that is lock. It was always locked, but not right now… There was a camera a big bed and there toys…lot of toys!” Mickey says being slightly excited at the seeing the toys as he remembers._ Mickey then all of sudden changes his posture and his voice changes from speaking as a child to speaking as an adult again. He’s describing what he’s remembering. Everything around him from the wall paper that was on the wall, which he describes as having blue stripes, and the bed that has black cover sheets on it; to how the smell of air fresher in the room smells like.  _“And there’s….”_ Mickey says but stops and is seeing….

 

 

“What Mickey? What’s there? What do you see?” Dr. Jimenez asks Mickey.

 

 _“_ I see Me …I’m playing with the toys…Dad said I can play with them. So I’m playing with them.” Mickey says as he’s looking around in the room and moving towards himself. However everyone around him knows he’s under hypnosis so they make sure to stay out of his sight and far away from him. Not bumping into him as he moves around the room towards the little boy he sees. Mickey is up and walks over to the other side of the sofa.

 

 

Dr. Jimenez observes Mickey quietly. Paying close attention to him as she sees he’s still looking at himself from his memories. He begins to speak to him again “Is this the first time you’ve been up in this room Mickey?” Dr. Jimenez asks him.

 

_“_ Yeah, yeah it is. He never let us come up here; said it was off limits.” Mickey says

 

 

“What are some of things you’re doing in that room right now Mickey?” Dr. Jimenez asks him.

 

 

_“I’m playing with the action figure toys, and theirs crayons and a coloring book. I stop playing with the toys and I go to color and theirs snacks next to me.”_ **_“Go on Mickey eat the snack.”_ ** _Terry said. So I ate the snacks. There chocolate chip, my favorite”_

 

** What’s happening inside of Mickey Mind: **

_Younger Mickey is eating the cookies and puts the page he colors to the side. He grabs the army toys and starts playing with them. Mickey walks up to his younger self “Hey what are you doing there.” Mickey asked his younger self._

 

_Younger Mickey looks up at him and smiles. “I’m puraying like battle field…but diffewent. These are pirate aliens and these are supa humans like peter pan and the lost boys who come to save da world from da pirate aliens.”  Young Mickey tells him and points to the action figures._

 

_“Oh yeah that’s cool!” Mickey tells his younger self. “You like peter pan don’t you.” Mickey asked his younger self_

_Younger Mickey nods his head. And then. “Are you one of daddy phwends?” Younger Mickey asked_

_Mickey is taken back by the question. “No…no I’m not…I ah. Hey why don’t we go okay? Before he get backs, before dad gets back with his friends.” Mickey says instantly to his younger self and picks him up and is carrying him before younger Mickey can answer him._  Mickey is starting to panic now.

 

Mickey hears his doctor. “Mickey no...NO, Mickey you have to stay there it’s important you stay there!” Dr. Jimenez says urging Mickey to stay where he is at and confront his past.

 

 

_“NO! NO-NO-NO-NO-No we have-we have to go! I don’t care! I’m taking him and I’m going. We’re going somewhere safe so no one can hurt us! I know he’s going to hurt him, I just know it! I won’t let him do that him!” Mickey says urgently and is holding his younger self close to him even more._

 

_Mickey looks at little Mickey and smiles to him as he talks to him. “Hey there; how about me, and you little man leave! Yeah okay. We can um. You know what? We’re going to go and get out of here okay? But we have to go now; we can do whatever it is you want alright. But it’s not safe here I have to take you out of here, so we have to leave now!” Mickey tell younger Mickey_

 

 

** What’s happening outside of Mickey’s mind: **

 

Mickey is rocking himself back in forth more and is on the verge of crying again. He’s talking to his younger self and everyone is looking on. The only one in the room who seems to be calm is Dr. Jimenez and Leah, as they knew that this was to be expected from an integration processes. And it’s taking everything inside of Collin, Mandy, Iggy, and Ian to not run to him and comfort Mickey. Colt is on the side line looking on and observing everything as he’s even looking nervous and scared.

 

 

“Mickey you have to be strong okay, you have to remember why we’re here. You want to remember and you have to remember. You want to be health again okay. Remember Mickey stay there stay with us. Remember you want to put the piece of your life together to be whole again!” Dr. Jimenez tells Mickey, trying to bring him down and keep him in control while he’s in this state of mind.

 

 

Mickey is shaking his head “No…no I can’t do this….I can’t! It’s doesn’t have to be like this, it doesn’t have to be this way! Not like this no! I can take-I can take him away I know I can. I can protect him I know I can do that! I have to protect him, so they don’t hurt him! He can’t get hurt; I won’t let them do anything to him. We’re gonna run away and hide!” Mickey says with tears coming down his eyes. “Please he can’t stay there; he can’t be there with them!” Mickey shouts out.

 

 

“Mickey are you sure… are you sure you think you can’t do this Mickey?” Dr. Jimenez asked him again, because if Mickey couldn’t do it, she would have to pull him back out. But that wouldn’t be considered a lost, seeing as they got farther than they’ve ever had before.

 

 

“Why does it have to be like this…why?” Mickey sounds small. “I can take him away and I can protect him!” Mickey says again, still not giving his Doctor a yes or no answer on whether if he’s able to continue to do this or not.

 

 

** What’s happening inside of Mickey Mind: **

_Mickey is holding on to his younger self and is making sure he’s safe “I got you okay…Ima make sure no one hurts you, just stay close to me and don’t let go of me.” He says then pulls away slightly so he can see his younger self again as he speaks. “Me and you were gonna go somewhere safe were no one can hurt us. Some where we can go and have all the chocolate we want. Somewhere where no one and I mean no one can get to us. I promise you okay.” Mickey says while holding younger Mickey tight in his arms. “We’re gonna leave and go somewhere safe. I promise you that okay, I always keep my promises.” Mickey says looking at younger Mickey “Me, you, Mandy, Collin, and Iggy okay; we’re a family, and they won’t let anything happen to us I know that much? Okay how does that sound? That sounds perfect right?” Mickey says but is asking his younger self._

 

_All of sudden Mickey hears his doctors voice again and is looking around, but holding on to his younger self even tighter again. “Mickey I need you to hear me out okay? Please, I need you stay there.” Dr. Jimenez say in an desperation attempted to calm Mickey down and have him gain control again._

 

_In another desperate attempted Iggy calls out to his brother now. “Mickey it’s me… its Iggy! Mickey you need to be strong okay…were here we have you. No one is going to hurt you bro. We need you to stay strong we’re here! We are right here and we’re not going anywhere Mickey! You’re not alone I promise you, you’re not alone.” Iggy says to him._

 

_“No-no Iggy I can’t….he coming back! Dad said he was coming back with his friend-I can’t….I don’t want him to be here, we have to go! I have to take him away before he gets back upstairs!” Mickey says and begins to crying. “Please!” Mickey says and is crying holding on to little Mickey rubbing his back making sure he’s safe._

_“Mickey this is a memory. Mick you’re safe, please don’t give up! Not when you’re so close Mickey. We’re all here for you and we’ll make sure nothing will happen to you I promise you Mickey.” Collin now says_

_“Mickey you want to remember it…You need to understand it okay…We need you to remember so you can be whole again just like you wanted. Remember that Mickey, remember that you want to be whole again.”  Dr. Jimenez says to him_

 

_Mickey pulls back slightly from holding his younger self so that he can see him as he talks “hey little man…”_

_Little Mickey looks up at him. “Hi…why are you scared? Are you afraid of something?” Young Mickey asked adult Mickey._

_“Yeah….But I have to be strong, but I don’t know how. I know I have to be so I can get better, but I’m so fucking scared.” Little Mickey nods his head and Mickey hoisters his younger self up more as he speaks “Hey tell you what? How about we play with some paint huh? You wanna paint with me?” Mickey asked Younger Mickey._

 

_“Yes” little Mickey smiles, and they both sit down on the floor next to the bed together. Mickey is taking out the paint, but then the door opens up again and he sees his dad and his friend…His dad friend! He remembers his name Raul…Raul Wilson._

_“No…No not yet please! Not now please! Not yet; please! Please don’t do this…not to him please!” Mickey cries out as he looks on as what’s about to happen._

_“Hi Daddy…Hi Raul” Younger Mickey says_

_“Mickey” Terry says “Raul is gonna be behind the camera alright. Me and you are going play a game okay kiddo”_

 

_“Okay! Then can I have the puppy like you promised!” Younger Mickey says_

_“Yeah sure whatever kid…get on the fucking bed now.” Terry said to Mickey “here Drink this!” Terry says and forces younger Mickey to drink the alcohol from the bottle. All the while as Mickey is at the corner looking on at what his father is doing to him. Remembering everything Terry did to him that day._

_“I don’t like that! I don’t wanna drink it.” Younger Mickey says as he spits some of the alcohol out and is coughing._

 

_Terry slaps younger Mickey across his face and grabs his jaw firmly. “You will do as I say got it!” Terry says as he hisses at Younger Mickey. At the same time Mickey grabs his face and instantly remembers that feeling of the sting from the slap across his face. How it burned and hurt and tingled when he touches it because his hands were cold._

 

_Young Mickey is crying and only nods his head as he’s touching his face where Terry slapped him. “Stop fucking crying before I give you something to cry about!” Terry says and hits him again with a slap to his butt hard, that younger Mickey covers his mouth and tries to not to scream from the pain. But he can’t help it, it hurts._

_Mickey is now looking at what his father is doing to him. How he’s touching him, and laughing at him, when he cries. How him and Raul take pictures of Mickey and make Mickey open his mouth and stick an ice pop in his mouth, and he made him suck on it. When Mickey got brain freeze it hurt and he started to cry, Terry hit him harder on his leg, and on his ass. He even twisted his arms. But that wasn’t the worse part. The worst part was when Terry undressed him and he was naked in front of the camera. He would touch Mickey and had Mickey look at the camera as he forced him to. He violated Mickey in a way that Younger Mickey didn’t understand, and it hurt. There was blood on the sheets. He remembers this; he remembers crying asking for him to please stop. He remembers being held down and feeling himself become undone and fall into piece. Mickey remembers all of this, and Mickey sees all of this as he looks on and is crying in the corners as he is sitting on the floor watching. He was watching as younger Mickey turns to his side and was in the fetal position crying silently as he was._

_******************_

 

 

Mickey is now laying on the sofa on his right side and he’s in the fetal position…”It’s over now” He says “….they said I was a good boy…that I did good. Dad said that if I keep being a good boy, that I will be big in the world… That everyone will know me and love me….Dad said, I’m going make him lots of money.” Mickey says sounding so small and so broken as he’s on the sofa.  

 

 

“You’re doing great Mickey; everything’s okay now.” Dr. Jimenez says to him but Mickey shakes his head as tears fall down his face “You very brave Mickey; I need you to remember that. I need you to know that.”

 

 

“Can I go now…”Mickey says in a low voice “Please, please I don’t wanna be here no more with them.” Mickey says in a whisper voice still crying

 

 

“Not yet Mickey….I need you to do one more thing for me Mickey okay? And then you can leave. I promise you that you can after you do one more thing.” Dr. Jimenez says

 

 

“I…I have to stay? Why?” Mickey asks from where he’s at. He still hasn’t moved yet.

 

 

“Yes just a little more okay, I need you to go back to the second time you went up those stairs in that room. Mickey can you do that?” Dr. Jimenez.   Mickey than sits up and his face is all red, and his eyes are all puffy. “Are you there now again Mickey? Can you please tell me what you’re seeing right now?” Dr. Jimenez asked.

 

 

** What’s Happening inside Mickeys Mind: **

_Mickey is looking around and explains what he sees “Yes…the room is the same but it’s…It’s different as well. There’s something wrong. There something not right. There’s not a lot of toy anymore….There’s a video camera again and now a regular camera, but there’s more than one. It’s on the dresser.” Mickey says as he remember what he’s sees. He sees younger Mickey, himself as he is sitting on the bed now looking at his dad_

 

 

** What’s happening Outside of Mickey’s mind: **

Mickey is sitting up, his face is puzzled, his eye brows are crunched together and he’s looking around and shaking his head and is holding onto the sofa cushion tightly now. “This is weird…this is different? Somethings not right….somethings wrong here I can feel it.” Mickey says and starts to panic again.

 

 

“What is it Mickey” Dr. Jimenez asks Mickey

 

 

“Me and dad…we aren’t alone but it’s just him and Raul’s not there.” Mickey says and swallows hard. His eyes grow wider as he hears his father say.

 

 

_“We’re gonna play again Mickey? It’s just going to be me, and you again.” Terry said as Mickey remembers._

 

 

“NO!” Mickey screams out and stands up. Mickey see his younger self again, except it’s different and weird. He then sees the video cameras again, being turned on again and is freaking out. “No-No I can’t do this! Not again not-no, I can’t do this! I can’t do this again! NO-NO-NO NOT AGAIN I CAN’T!” Mickey screams and cries out. At the same time he’s gets up and runs to the other side of the sofa far near the wall next to the book case and is trying to hide. Mickey is crying harder and louder.

 

 

“Do something he’s scared shitless!” Mandy says then all of a sudden.

 

 

“Don’t you see what this is doing to him!” Colt snaps out at Dr. Jimenez

 

 

At the same time that was when Ian, Iggy, and Collin stand up to go to Mickey, but it was Dr. Jimenez and Leah who stops them.

 

 

“No focus MICKEY! Focus! See who’s there with you! You have to see it Mickey, you have to pull yourself together and focus on the other person in the room! You can do this I know you can. You’ve come this far Mickey, I know you can do this, you want to do this.” Dr. Jimenez tells Mickey. Mickey is bending down holding his knees to his chest and is crying shaking his head. “Who is it Mickey?” Dr. Jimenez asks Mickey again.

 

 

Mickey sees what’s happening and tries to focus on who’s in there with them. If it’s just him and Terry and not Raul…Then who?  _“We’re gonna play again Mickey?” Terry says to him._

 

 

_“I’m not Mickey” He says to Terry looking and glaring up at him._

 

 

Mickey looks up  _and he wiped his face_  and sits down on the floor and smiles. “I’m Nick!” and he smiles smugly up at everyone. Nick looks around and sees Ian and smiles wider at him. Ian smiles back at Nick and waves. Nick winks at him and then looks at everyone. “Wow. Hmph!” Nick says and gets up from the floor and walks over to the sofa. “Aaaah so the whole fuckin gang is here for little oh me huh?” Nick says again with a grin.

 

 

“Nick?” Collin asked puzzled.

 

 

“YUP!….You miss me Collin?” Nick says innocently and is looking at everyone as he’s walking around the sofa and is smiling at them. “Hey Doc! How yah doing!” Nick says sarcastically

 

 

“Hello Nick, I am talking to Nick correct?” Dr. Jimenez asked

 

 

“Well I am the one and only Doc! Ain’t no one else like me!” Nick says to her crossing his arm against his chest leaning back against the sofa.

 

 

“Is Mickey there to with you Nick?” Dr. Jimenez asked him

 

  

“Eh he’s around here somewhere.” Nick says sitting at the edge of the sofa look around in amusement “He took off again! …He ah needed space. You know the whole remembering this got a bit too much. And he had ah” Nick says using his hands as he talks “To yah know, run for cover and shit. So he needed me to take over for bit. You know the usually and shit….But ah, yeah he’s hanging around somewhere.” Nick then throws himself on the sofa and is laying on his side and is smiling widely at everyone and waves his fingers at Collin, Iggy, Leah, and Mandy. Then gives Colt the middle finger for good measure, and leave the best for last when he winks and blows a kiss at Ian.

 

 

“Where are you Nick?” Dr. Jimenez ask and then Nick sit up and looks at Dr. Jimenez straight in the eyes

 

 

“Hmmm see Doc don’t you mean where Mickey’s at? Because, he ain’t here and I am.” Nick says with such enthusiasm, that you can’t see it on his face, but hear it in his voice. “Doc?” Nick asks as a matter of fact. “Where you’d think me and Mickey are huh? Why you askin stupid fuckin question for?”  Nick says and sits back against the sofa and raises his eye brows looking at her.

 

 

** What’s happening inside Mickey/Nicks mind: **

 

_Now Mickey’s hiding in a corner looking away from everything not trying to be there, not trying to relive what’s happened to him over again. Nick sees him and walks over to him “Get. Up…..Get Up Mickey! Get the Fuck Up!” Nick says screaming to him._

_“I can’t, I can’t do this anymore….I don’t want to see it. I don’t want to see what he did to me again….I can’t… Nick I can’t!” Mickey says chocks out and is sobbing still covering his face, facing away from the reality of his memory._

 

_Nick huffs “Fucking Pussy man. Such a fucking weak pain in my ass you know that?” Nicks says and walks closer to Mickey and turns around and leans his back against the wall and slides down. He’s sitting next to Mickey now, as Mickey continues to cry and is even more scared. Nick just looks at him and looks at what’s about to happening to him and Mickey again. Like he always has; Nick just sighs. “So…..you do know what the fuck is gonna happen next right? You do know if you don’t fucking look right now and see and confront this shit what will happen. You know, if you don’t fucking face it Mickey what will happen! .....Well seem like some bodies gotta do it right? And it’s gonna be me….Like always Mickey, just like fucking always.” Nick says numbly and tried as he’s looking at the room in front of him as Terry turns on the video camera._

 

_Mickey is shaking his head and trying hard to stop from crying “You said you wouldn’t be here…..you said that-“_

_“That what!?” Nick says cutting Mickey off. “That I would leave you because you called me selfish? Well yeah… I was, but then again Mick” Nick says and turns to look at Mickey and Mickey looks at him back. “When have I ever abandoned you? When everyone else has, I haven’t and I won’t.” Nick says looking at him, softly yet seriously. “So is this what you want Mickey? You want me to handle this shit again; you want me to deal with this shit again for you? Because you know I will, you know I won’t let anything hurt us. It’s not a big deal to me you know? I’ve seen this replay over and over again. Just like all the other times it happened to us like a million times over and over and over again.” Nick says to Mickey. “It’s like a replay and rewind kind of thing….never goes away, so I’m use to it.” Nick says pointing to his head when he spoke to Mickey._

 

_Nick then looks ahead again and speaks “So Mikhailo, I’ll do it again, take another hit for the team yeah? Like I always do.” Nick says frowning ahead as Terry walks to the bed to his and Mickey younger self. He sees young Nick glaring at Terry and his face becomes emotionless as Terry removes his shirt._

 

_“What will happen then? What will happen to us then if you handle it?” Mickey says in a low voice to Nick._

 

_Nick looks at Mickey now and gave him a face “What you think Mickey!? Just like always I’ll be there to clean up your fuckin messes’ man. I’ll be there when shit gets to fuckin real when you can’t fuckin’ handle it. Because that’s what you always do anyways Mickey! You call for me when you need me and I-me who handles it all, all the time… Because that’s what I do for you! Me and you! We’re like fuckin destined to grow old together and have fights with one another for who’s gonna take control like always.”  Nick says telling Mickey and looking at him. He then looks back again forward and leans his head back. Mickey notices how tired he looks._

 

_Nick looks like he has no emotions on his face “Best friends for fuckin life right? So what’s it gonna be Mick huh?  Ian and bitch boy fighting over us forever, or Mandy, Iggy and Collin worried about when one of us is out and they can’t do shit about it? Hmm….That would be fun right?….So what it’s gonna be Mick?” When Mickey didn’t say anything to Nick, Nick became fed up “....Why don’t you stop fucking running and do this whole integration shit already and be done with the whole fucking thing man.” Nick looks at him. Mickey is still curled up in the corner looking at Nick._

_“Come on man! Look, either you let me in; we do this whole shit? Or you can step the fuck aside and back the fuck off and let me handle this like always! Let me do my fucking job Mikhailo… Vash vybir Mik, nikhto ne tse a za vamy. (Your choice Mick, no one else’s but yours.) So what’d you want?” Nick asked Mickey._

_Mickey looks at Nick. “I want be free again…I want to me again…I want this whole things to stop and I don’t…I don’t know.”_

 

_Nick sighs and gets up “Alright fine Mick…You, you go hide and I’ll go handle Terry again okay.” Nick says and goes to leave._

_“No Wait!” Mickey says and Nick looks back. “We can do it together right?-I….I want do it together. I know what I want Nick, and I want be whole again. I don’t want you to ever be alone; not anymore, not with this, not with nothing every again.” Mickey says Nick._

 

_Nick smiles at him “Mick, I’ve always been alone…are you sure; you sure you’re ready?”_

_Mickey gets up from the corner he was hiding at and wipes his tears from his face and walks up to Nick. “I’m sure and you won’t be alone anymore.” Mickeys says and walks up to Nick._

 

_Nick holds out his hand for Mickey to take, and Mickey takes his hand instantly and willingly. “Last chance Mick…we’re doing this together? Right” Nick asks Mickey before everything starts again. He wants to make sure Mickey is ready and will go through with this. Because if not, Nick will understand and will get it; in a way most people won’t get it. What he does, and he needs to do is to always make sure Mickey is okay and he needs Mickey to knows that._

 

_Mickey nods his head yes “Yes I’m sure….There no going back; not now, not ever.” Mickey said firmly to Nick._

 

_And with that Mickey and Nick sit in silence holding each other’s hand and watches on at what happens. At how Terry takes the picture of him naked, at how Terry touches him and holds him down. As Terry went ahead and recorded what he did to him, how he went ahead and…..The tears that come down there faces, the emotionless facial expression. There was more blood not a lot like before, but it was there. How Terry did everything he did before the first time with Mickey, but only this time he was alone and made Mickey do more things._

_Mickey has his knees up against his chest and is crying while still holding onto Nick’s hand. “I’m so sorry…I’m so, so, sorry….I didn’t know; I had no idea Nick.”_

_“Sorry for what?” Nick says dryly looking at how the four year old of him and Mickey is in the fetal position now. He turns and looks at Mickey as he speaks._

_Mickey sees Nicks face, it’s as if there nothing there, no emotions and he’s not cold, just numb. But his eyes, his eyes look hurt, and are tired, yet strong and unwilling to give anyone the satisfaction of making him feel weak. “I’m so sorry I didn’t know. A-and you had to do…do it all for so long and you were by yourself….With no one, no one at all here with you….I’m sorry Nick, I’m so sorry.” Mickey says to him_

 

_“I wasn’t always so…” Nick says looking at Mickey “Yeah…doesn’t matter; plus over the years as it happened over and over again….You get numb and used to expecting the worse…expecting nothing, but expecting everything.” Nick then looks a way and in front of as Terry is turning off the camera and putting his clothes back on himself.  And he sees Mickey, sees their younger self laying down in the fetal position with tears coming down his face. He hitches his voice and looks at Mickey again. “Besides…as fucked up as it was…and as horribly painful as it got over the years; if this would have never happened Mick; we would’ve never known what love really was. We would’ve never had Ian in our lives.”  Nick says looking at Mickey, and Mickey looks at him and gives him a small smile._

 

 

_“Mickey? Mickey are you here with us still? Can you hear us Mickey?” They both hear Dr. Jimenez say to them._

 

 

** What’s happening Outside of Mickey’s mind: **

Mickey looks up at the voice calling him “Yeah…I’m here”

 

 

“Do you remember what happened to you Mickey?” Dr. Jimenez asks him.

 

 

“Yeah…Everything….yeah I remember everything.” Mickey says slowly.

 

 

“Okay. I think that should be it for today. I think our job is done now. So when I count backwards from 10 you will remember everything and you will be here home with your family safe and sound okay?” Dr. Jimenez tells Mickey.

 

 

Mickey huffed and looked to the side “It’s time to go now Nick.” Mickey says to Nick.

 

 

Nick chuckles and looks at Mickey “Who the fuck says I’m going anywhere.” Nick says with a devilish smile and looks over at Ian and winks at him.

 

 

“10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1” Dr. Jimenez said

 

 

When he opens his eyes and looks at everyone. Everyone is silent and they look at him not sure if it’s Mickey or Nick. No one knows who came back out, who’s permanent to stay. “Can you tell me what your name is?” Dr. Jimenez asked

 

He looks at the Doctor in front of him and breathes in and out “It’s…..

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now I know what your thinking...why? Well who you guys think came back permanently?
> 
> Also the song I put in the begin of the of Nick singing to Ian is called "She is love" from the Parachute of course I put he instead of she. but this song is from them. I heard it and knew it was going to be for this chapter
> 
> Here's the link  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pjh9LLy4nf8
> 
> https://youtu.be/Pjh9LLy4nf8


	28. This Torment of Pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for everyone still staying with this story. soon a new chapter very soon xoxoxox.
> 
>  
> 
> Hello everyone. Well here's another update. There are triggers in this chapter of past child abuse. This chapter like the last one was not easy for me to write and is kind of dark especially at the end. Also ...I apologies in advance. You'll see why.
> 
> I have no beta so all mistake are mine and I do apologize for that. I love your comments and kudos and you guys subscribe and everything. xoxoxoxo Let me know what you guys think okay. I do like to read and know what you guys think.

It’s…..It’s me, it’s Mickey…it’s me” Mickey says out loud to everyone with a huge smile on his face. . They all wanted to go to him, but didn’t. There’s so many tears and heaviness weight in the room and you could feel it. They all know the truth now. Mickey knows the truth. What was more disturbing was to learn that Terry Milkovich was responsible for Mickey’s pain in more ways that anyone could compare; this was something that the Milkovich siblings felt hit them the hardest.

 

 

“Now Mickey do you remember everything?” Dr. Jimenez asked Mickey.

 

 

“Yes….yes I remember everything.” Mickey says lowly. His eyes trained only on her.

 

 

Dr. Jimenez gives Mickey a small smile “Good....(She sighs) Good then our job is done here for now and for today anyways.

 

 

Collin is looking at his brother from a far. The feeling of guilt hit him as Mickey stood up from the sofa talking to Dr. Jimenez. She didn’t want everyone to crowd him and go to him just yet. He was still very vulnerable and Collin got it. The whole time everyone in that room felt a lot of emotion; everything from angry, hate, regret, pain, sadness, and guilt. Guilt was the one thing that the 3 older Milkovich siblings felt the most. Being that they couldn’t even protect their own little brother from a man who was a monster to them, but an even bigger monster to Mickey.

 

 

When Mickey continues to talk to Dr. Jimenez quietly from the sofa, Collin was on auto pilot. He walks up to Mickey and his little brother looks small, but he looks like he was able to breathe again. Collin couldn’t explain it, but Mickey looks free. Collin’s the first person to hug Mickey tight and Mickey held him just as tight; and for the first time in a long time Mickey hears his brother crying against him. All Mickey could do was hold on to Collin and tell him he was okay now. Being a big brother, it was Collins responsibility to watch over all three of his siblings and he knew he failed with Mickey. But now being able to see him and hear him, be him was the most amazing feeling every.

 

 

“Don’t you ever fucking leave me again okay? Don’t you ever go anywhere you got that you asshole?” Collin says trying to hold back tears and Mickey just smiles at his brother.

 

 

Mickey looks around the room and sees Ian. Ian smiles at him and Mickey gives him a small smile back. But then Ian’s smile fades away when Colt goes and hugs Mickey and gives him a kiss on the cheek. Mickey is slightly thrown off from the movement of affection. It’s not the first time Colt has done it, but for some reason Mickey was thrown off, and is jittery a bit. “Now we can get back to our lives and plan our whole life Mick.” Colt says and Mickey looks at him not saying a world and nods his head.

 

 

Mickey then turns and goes to walk to Ian and Ian looks him at again. Both not saying a word just yet. “You know I thought it was for Nick for a minute when you came back…I guess I was wrong huh.”

 

 

Mickey gives Ian a small smile. “Sorry man. Sorry that you thought you saw Nick, but it’s because he’s a part of me you know…Nick is a part of me. But I’m Mickey and I always will be Ian.” Mickey says and Ian gives him an encouraging smile, but Mickey knows he’s hold back much more.

 

 

Dr. Jimenez goes up to both men and begins to talk to both of them. “Nick had allowed Mickey to survive because of what happened to him. Nick was created because of what Mickey had experienced and went through the first time. Mickey is braver than he thinks, and that’s because of Nick.” She says to them

 

 

Ian shook his head and tried hard to blink away tears. This was it. “You know you talk about how he was created or like born or something? But this was the day he left for good as if died. As if He did.” Ian says to himself chuckling dryly, but Mickey overhears him.

 

 

“Ian-Ian look, hey I’m sorry okay….Nick is not dead Ian, he didn’t die of anything okay? He’s always a part of me; he is a part of me.” Mickey tells him.

 

 

Ian looks at Mickey and god he just wants to hold him; just him in general just to feel something again because right now his heart is breaking. But he knew this may happen, he knew there was a possibility, it’s just…… he didn’t know it would hurt this bad, even more worse than the last time. “Can I ask you something Mickey?” Ian says to Mickey.

 

 

“Yeah of course anything!” Mickey says without any hesitations

 

 

“What…what did it feel like when you connected with Nick?” Ian asked

 

 

Mickey looks at Ian and sighs slightly, but understood why he asked. He was about to say something when Colt came from behind and interrupted them. “Look how about we don’t talk about this right now okay. Maybe Mick wants to just relax and not talk about any of this! You ever think about that?” Colt says out of out of nowhere coming from left field or something.

 

 

Mickey gives Colt a face before he spoke. “Look I can speak for myself-okay. I don’t need a fucking hound dog. It’s okay so please don’t aight?” Mickey says blunt and aggressively at Colt. Everyone in the room turns their attention to Mickey. Mickey continues on. “I don’t fucking mind explain to him, he has a right know!” Mickey spat out and then looks at Ian and speaks to him calmly then he did with Colt. “Umm uh…I don’t know how to explain it really; it’s kind of hard to explain. But when I held his hand……and he held mines it was as if it was me and him against the world. Two people facing something that happened to them together except when I looked over to see him again….He was gone, but I can still feel him. It’s just I can’t hear him anymore, and I feel different and I feel- fuck I feel angry and I just…” Mickey started to say and he became slightly emotion and had to calm himself down.

 

 Ian looks at Mickey with concern “Hey Mick it’s okay, you’re fine now.” Ian says

 

 

Dr. Jimenez goes up to Mickey to try and keep him calm. “It’s okay Mickey…Its common with children who have suffered from sexual abuse at such a young age. Some individuals who have experience this have their anger taken away and it’s replaced with fear, and sometimes guilt even. What your experience right now Mickey is the beginning of your angry and any other emotions a child like you suffered who fought back to survive. Nick took that so you can survive. So what you’re feeling now is normal.”

 

 

“I can’t believe you had to go through that?” Mandy says because there was nothing left for her to say. She couldn’t think of anything as he mind was still reeling from everything.

 

 

Collin shakes his head. “It’s my fault; he shouldn’t have had to go through that.” Collin says.

 

 

“Collin hunny don’t.” Leah says going up to her husband and hugging him,

 

 

“No…I didn’t pay attention I didn’t do what I was supposed to do, what I promised to do.” Collin says in a rush of guilt.

 

 

“Collin it’s not your fault, we all didn’t know, we all didn’t pay attention. We were all trying to survive and get out of there. You were in school trying to be better for us to take us away. You didn’t know… none of us knew.” Iggy says to him.

 

 

Mickey turns to look at his brother. “There right Collin…It’s not your fault that da-Terry was a monster….don’t blame yourself. Not for this. You’re not responsible for any of those mother fuckers’ actions and neither am I for whatever shit Nick did.” Mickey says.  

 

 

Ian chuckle a little and Mickey looks at him when he spoke “Yeah like work at the club and hitting on me, and all the other shit we did.” Ian says to him lowly.

 

 

“Yeah… but you see; being with you and meeting you Ian, was the turning point for Nick.” Mickey tells him. He has to tell him, he has to let Ian know how big of a part he’s played in his life. In a way he want to let Ian know just how much he is indebted to him.

 

 

Ian looks at Mickey with a puzzled face. “What you do mean turning point?”

 

 

“Well Nick used men, he used woman even, but mostly men or anyone or anything really. He didn’t give shit about them. He didn’t like them, and he never trusted them not for second. He used them and didn’t care how or what he did as long as he got what he wanted. Because that’s how he saw men, that how he saw woman that how he saw everything…but with you it was different. With you Ian,…. you embraced him, you loved him without wanted to change him. Nick was a loner, an outsider, someone who didn’t know what love was or what trust was, and you gave him that….You gave him a home and love without ever wanting anything in return. Don’t you see that?” Mickey says more to Ian than asking.

 

 

Ian eyes become glassy, but no tears fell down. “You know all that? How do, How do you know?” Ian asked Mickey.

 

 

Mickey smiles at Ian shyly. “Because I know I can-I can feel how Nick loved and still does love.” Mickey says not taking his eyes off of Ian.

 

 

Colt Notices this and interrupts everyone, most importantly Ian and Mickey. “You know what, how about we take the rest of the day off okay.” Colts says and looks at Ian now as he speaks. “You should really be thinking about how this is affecting Mickey and not yourself Ian. You should consider what he went through this whole order and he has to deal with it now as well.” Colt says coldly to him.

 

 

Ian looks at Colt like he’s gone mad, and was about to say something but holds back for Mickeys sack. But it was Mickey who looks at Colt and snaps at him. “Colt what the fuck is wrong you!? He wants to know, so I’m telling him what he wants to know! The fucks the big fucking problem?” Mickey nearly shouts out.

 

 

And for a minute there just a second Mandy and Ian look at one another and notice that same attitude they recognized. That’s Nick aggressive attitude Mickey has, well it was Nicks. But shit if personalities could kill it would be Mickeys.

 

 

“No Mick! He’s just trying to destroy you and everything you’ve work so hard for. All he wants is Nick back and he can careless about you.” Colt argues back at Mickey.

 

 

“Fuck you! No I don’t okay. That not true! All I wanted to know was…fuck I don’t even know anymore.” Ian says and sounding defeated.

 

 

“Yeah okay whatever you say buddy.” Colt spats out and Ian was this close to going over to Colt and whipping his ass.

 

 “How about you shut the fuck up, before I make you shut the fuck.” Iggy says now to Colt.

 

 

“Not unless I kick his ass first” Collin says angrily and stands beside his brother. “Already starting with your bullshit and Mickey hasn’t even had time to relax and your starting with stupid shit.”

 

 

Dr. Jimenez decides to step in and cool the situation down before it got out of hand and before Mickey would break down. Because looking at him now he looked like he was becomes overwhelmed.  “Gentlemen let me be clear about something okay; for you and for everyone. Nick is not coming back. He was part of Mickey and will always be. He was the part of Mickey that his father and all those people who molested him. That’s a part of Mickey now, his angry, his pain; every emotion he’s feeling or is going to feel is a part of him. It’s now his emotions, not Nicks anymore. And with that being said I would rather Mickey be stress free and not deal with anything right now.” She says looking at everyone in the room, but lingering more on Colt. Dr. Jimenez looks at Ian now “If you want to ask Mickey something you can. He’s made it clear you have a right to know and understand, and I think he is right. But please just be stress-free with the question okay.” She tell Ian.

 

 

Ian nods his head and looks back at Mickey. “So what about your feelings then? For me that is, if you feel everything Nick does know.” Ian asked Mickey looking at him.

 

 

“Oh come the fuck on man.” Colt says out loud and Mandy couldn’t help but smack him on the side of his head and glare at him. This was not about him and not the time or place for Colt to be a dick; not to Ian and not and definitely not to Mickey.

 

 

“That’s what I was trying to tell you before; how I understand what you mean to Nick and what you guys had. I get it, and I understand how you felt and fell in love. And you have no idea how grateful I am for that Ian. What you did for him…what you did for the both of us and that’s true, I could never repay you enough for that. I mean think about it.” Mickey says and everyone is listening to him. “With You Ian where would I be? I told you that before, where would I be if Nick didn’t have you or found you?”

 

 

“He was hiding...he was uh trying to hide and cover himself from the world and life. He covered his wounds and scars. Never trusting anyone or knowing what love was.” Ian says to Mickey

 

 

“Yeah…Yeah he was; the scars that were only on the inside, while mines where on the outside.” Mickey says to Ian.

 

 

“In bad place… he always told me he was in a bad place, where no one can break him.” Ian says.

 

 

“Yeah, and he never felt like he was worthy of anything good and pure. He never felt like he deserved love and you save him from that. Because he felt loved; and you doing that, you not only saved him Ian you saved me as well. You have no idea how I can never thank you enough for that.” Mickey says to Ian as if no one is in the room.

 

 

“Yeah….yeah I get that. I know that now.” Ian says. “I just want you to be happy Mickey…As much as I knew Nick was happy, I knew he suffered inside a lot and that was something I can never break from him, but I was okay with.” Ian tell Mickey.

 

 

“Nick gets to share this burden with Mickey, and now Mickey can learn to heal and become the person that he was meant to be.” Dr. Jimenez says and everyone in the room agreed in silence. She turns to Ian and walks up to him in concern for him. “Ian I know this has to be hard on you, are you okay? Do you want to talk, and I don’t mean because of my profession I mean as a person to another do you want to talk about anything?” She asked

 

 

Ian shakes his head no. “Nah Doctor, I’m okay, I promise I am.” Ian says to her, but she wasn’t convinced at all; however she didn’t want to push him.  “I’m gonna head out okay guys.” Ian says and move to the door with Mandy is right behind him.

 

 

“Hey Ian!” Mandy says and Ian turns around and hums in responds “You sure you’re okay? Because right now; I smell bullshit on you.” Mandy lets him know.

 

 

Ian smiles at her. “I’m letting him go Mands…I should’ve did that a long time ago. You know what the fucked up thing is? That he said he’d never leave me…and a part of me knew he would anyway…But I am happy for Mickey that he’s well and he can heal now.” Ian says sincerely and honestly to her.

 

 

Mandy nods her head and hugs Ian tight. “I’m sorry.” She whispers to him. “I know how much you love him.” She says pulling away from Ian.

 

 

“No Mands I don’t think you do.” Ian said and left the apartment building going to the elevator and riding it down stairs. Ian leaves the building and gets in his car in record time. As he’s in the car he looks up at the mirror in his car and sees a picture of him and Nick and smiles. “You promised you’d never leave again………….Goodbye.” Ian says and puts the picture inside the glove compartment and drives off, feeling just as broken as a bottle of glass.

 

 

***********

 

While back at the apartment Mickey notice Ian leave and how broke he looked. He didn’t want hurt, he was the last person he ever wanted to hurt. Dr. Jimenez then comes up to Mickey and pulls him aside. “The hard part was done you know that right Mickey?” Mickey nods at her. “Now we have to continue and since you remember everything…mostly everything right?” She asked Mickey.

 

 

“I remember everything…everything he did, everything he let them do to me and the videos and the picture and the all sexual…..I remember them.” Mickey says emotionally. Then all of a sudden he starts to breathe heavier and faster. All of this was becoming too much for him and he feels like the walls are closing in on him.

 

 

“Mickey? Mickey are you okay? Do you want me to send everyone out of here right now?” Dr. Jimenez asked Mickey instantly. She knew that he would most likely have a panic attack and break down. All those emotions are hard to handle at once, and right now Mickey was doing one things she didn’t want him to do. He was shutting down and isolating himself.

 

 

Mickey looks at her and nods his head because he’s at the brink of tears and is having trouble breathing. Mandy notices Mickey and goes to Dr. Jimenez who explained that Mickey needs space to breathe. Mandy then tells everyone to get out. Dr. Jimenez looks at Mandy and thanks her, but everyone is confused. She explains that she and Mickey need to be alone and that Mandy is right and that everyone needs to leave and go home. Once everyone had left the room, Charlene closes the double doors and looks at Mickey. He was sitting down on the sofa now looking at the ground. She doesn’t say anything, so she waits for him to speak.

 

 

“I remember everything…all the videos….all the pictures, all there touches; it’s as if I can feel it still. I can feel them on me.” Mickey says as he begins to cry. “I can feel my fa-Terry….what he did to me…How he-he-he-he raped me, how he let them rape me over and over again….How he held me down……how they all held me down and told me not to cry, not to scream and sometimes…sometimes I did it anyways because it hurt so much……I remember one of them was a doctor; that’s why I hate going to my check-ups every year. I didn’t get that, I didn’t get why I always gave any doctor that got near me a fucking attitude and a hard time. Or when Nick bit the nurse I remember because we-I..I mean I-I, I especially hated them…….This one time I punched a doctor in his face. I didn’t get why I did it, I just did. I always felt uncomfortable being in the same room with one.”

 

 

“The doctor would check on me…I was bleeding when it first happened and Terry brought him in and to check on me saying they ripped me O-O-open.” Mickey says stuttering and crying. “The doctor made me do stuff to him…he made touch him, he would put his fingers in my mouth… One time he put them so far down in my mouth and I began to choke and he laughed…” Mickey says covering his face and crying. “Then a few times when he did it again I threw up and I got beaten for it….” Mickey breathes again in and out and spoke. “I remember when Terry would burn me with the knife……He would hold the knife over the stove or used a lighter and then when it was like a red or blue color he would press it on my arm or legs so that I would learn not to scream or cry.” Mickey says and began to cry harder.

 

 

After a few moments of just crying; Mickey wipes his face with the tissue Dr. Jimenez past to him. He tries to compose himself more and after a few more moments he begins to talk again. “But every time  _he did it!_  I would cry more... He would hit me with hangers and wires when I didn’t do something the men told me to do… and the woman she would dig her nails in me. She would dig them in so deep until I bled, then sometimes she would make me touch her and she would…when I was older she um” Mickey says and he swallows hard before he starts talking again. “…she made me have sex with her and I remember they recorded it because I was just there sitting down being told to look at the camera. Being told what to do to her, and she would grip my neck or pull my hair and slap me. She’s slap me if I didn’t do it right….. And whenever I didn’t look at the camera, she would slap me or someone else would hold me from behind. Sometimes she would hold me down as well.” His tears didn’t stop come down his face again, and Mickey covered his face because he felt so open, so vulnerable, so exposed and dirty. Why did this happen to him?

 

 

Mickey didn’t want to speak anymore. He held himself tight and didn’t want anyone to touch him. He didn’t want anyone to get near him. Charlene knew this would happen so she left him alone, but told Mandy and Iggy to monitor him. She knew some of Mickey’s history when he would deal with his stressors, and she didn’t want him to repeat it. No one knew, but her, but that was for her to know. She couldn’t tell anyone about his cutting. So she told Mandy and Iggy to watch him and make sure he doesn’t do anything to extreme, and to not touch him. There was a possibility of Mickey acting out in self-defence and hurting someone was a possibility. Charlene tells Mickey she would come by tomorrow to just check up on him. All Mickey did in response was nod his head and go lay down in his room. He kept the door closed and laid in the dark; he really wanted the dark to swallow him whole again.

 

 

*********************

 

The next day Mickey was still in his bed, he didn’t move, and didn’t want to get up. He just stood in the fetal position, not paying attention to the world. Mandy, Collin, and Iggy were worried. Charlene came over and tried to talk to Mickey, but he just looked at her and blinked. He shut down, and she knew it; she went to go touch his shoulder and he flinched away. That was normal for individuals who dealt with a great deal of pain as Mickey did. She just stood there with him, not saying a word, not doing anything. It was best not to say anything until Mickey was ready to speak.

 

 

It went on like this for 3 more days till Mickey got up out of bed and took a shower and dressed himself up. Charlene came over around 12 and Mickey knew that. He ate something and waited for her; he was ready to talk. Mandy, Iggy and Collin tried to speak to him, but he only gave them one word answers. They took it as a win for them. When Charlene came she was happy to see Mickey was walking around, so they went into the sala and sat down. Mickey looks at her and begins to speak.

 

 

“It happened more than once with Terry, and he would take me to these hotels that these men would rent a room, and he would watch as they….as they-as they made me have sex with them. Sometimes it wasn’t even sex, they would want me to touch them….or they just wanted to touch me and get off on it….Sometimes they would get their fucking kicks off hitting me, and he would watch and not care. This one time…this one time though this guy marked me, and that was the only time I saw Terry get mad at someone else for doing that to me. But then when we were alone he beat me, saying that no one can mark me but him, or that they had to ask permission.” Mickey says shivering as he spoke. “He…he said I was his pet, his mistake and that he had to make sure I was tamed to his liking. That I was the cause of his problems and of his pain so this was why I was getting…what I was getting because I deserved all of it….He said I deserved to be a tool. A tool that is only good to be used over and over again.” Mickey says as he was crying hard, so hard that he didn’t even notice that Charlene got up and held him close to her. “Nick had to deal with it….Now I see w-w-w-why; why he didn’t let me remember, why I wouldn’t let myself remember.” Mickey says out sobbing.

 

 

Mickey and Charlene stood sitting down on the sofa for a while, as Mickey cried and as Charlene was making circles around his back trying to calm him down. Call it an intuition or whatever, but neither one of them needed to say anything. There was nothing but silence in the room. There was no need to say anything, and no need to speak about anything at that moment. Mickey was a broken man, who was abused as a child and taken advantage of. He was made to feel like he was just a tool, an object made to feel used and torn down; he was made to feel like he was nothing. What hurt the most was that Mickey felt that again as he remember everything Nick went through for him.

 

 

He remembers the beatings, the slaps, the punches, the smells of each person, the smells of the rooms, the smell of everything after it all happened, the taste, the torcher, the burns that were made on his body, the marks that he looked at in the mirror and never knew what they were or where they came from till now. And all he wanted to do was be alone and not have anyone ask him a stupid questions such as ‘if he was okay.’ Because no; no Mickey Milkovich was not okay, Mickey Milkovich felt alone, and dirty, and wanted nothing to do with the outside world at this moment. The hardest part was over, he remembers everything now….However his recovery was a long way ahead of him. And that would be the determination of whether or not Mickey can actually be free or not.

 

***********

 

A few days after the meeting Charlene had with Mickey in his living room; Charlene felt it was best that Mickey not go to therapy for a bit and have him calm down and just relax. In those few days he spent his time with Iggy, Collin, and Mandy as well as Leah and his god daughter. He just wanted to be around them; however he couldn’t help but still feel a little emptiness in his heart. He knew he was missing something, but he didn’t want think of it.  He still didn’t let anyone touch him; only his niece would hug him and he held her tight never wanting to let her go.

 

 

He never let go of her, and when he would put her to sleep, he would sing to her and she would fall right to sleep instantly. Mickey found himself wondering how could anyone want to hurt a child. Looking down at his niece as she slept, he couldn’t imagine it. After a while Mickey started to hug his brothers and sister and at one point he hugged them so tight and for so long he didn’t realize, how much he missed it.

 

 

So now here he was at the Doctor Jimenez office 2 weeks later talking with her and she was there at his need. “Looking at it now, I feel like my childhood was taken away from me. That’s why I always had trouble sleeping, and being alone with people in a room.  A part of me was always scared, a-and I would get night terror and hide under the bed.  That’s why I had such a hard time concentrating and remembering things. That’s why I would….” Mickey says then stops talking.

 

 

“That why you would what Mickey?” Dr. Jimenez asked she knows the answer, but she wants him to say it out loud. He needs to heal.

 

 

Mickey sniffs before he talks trying not to cry or shed a tear. “I would feel lost, and alone…. For no reason and I didn’t like to feel that hurt. So I did the only thing I could do to control that hurt.” Mickey says put his head down. “I didn’t feel like I was in control of my own life, because I wasn’t.  Nick held on to everything.  And now that I remember it’s like….It’s like I remember when I was 9 years old and I was trying to stay away from Terry and he started picking on me on purpose. No one was home. Collin was somewhere; Mandy was out with her friends and Iggy I think he was out with a girl. But Terry, he started yelling at me. I got scared and I called for Nick….It was me of course I know that know.” Mickey says playing with the hem of his shirt

 

 

“Sometimes he wouldn’t let me eat…he would make me starve, and he would eat in front of me, and if I cried he would slap me and spit food at me……I had to lie to Collin a few times when he asked me if I ate because I was looking skinny he said. I would tell him I did eat, and that I wasn’t hungry when he would offer me food in front of Terry. Terry always told me that I had to eat when he said, but there were times I would sneak food and eat it without him knowing…He didn’t know and I made sure of that. Since my brothers were always out and Mandy was never home really, and if she was she would be in her room. Terry was a monster and he would use any excuse to hit anyone of us.  That’s probably why whenever we got a chance we would leave the house; me and my siblings; but it got worse. I remember it got worse for me, because I went out.” Mickey says and then stops talking.

 

 

Mickey took a deep breath and continues on talking. “I was always afraid to come out of my room…always. One time he backed me into a corner and I was crying and then I wasn’t….He was laughing at me…There were times when he would touch me…touch me everywhere, and he would laugh at me. He recorded me one time…recorded himself and others beating me, I told you that right?” Mickey says to and looks up at Dr. Jimenez, then back down at the floor. He then looks around the room as he spoke now. “He would use the belt, or sometimes he would use a hanger, the wire ones, or cords...he-he like to use cords to hit me. Terry always uses to say “I made you, which mean I can break you.” or his favorite would be “I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it.” Mickey says bitterly.

 

 

Events like these went on for weeks and the memories of these events took a toll on Mickey; not only on him, but his relationship with others as well.

 

**********

 

It had been a few weeks after everything happened. Mickey is a whole person now; however he was still fighting personal demons that he had. Being integrated came with a price; it came with remembering everything. From remembering what Nick’s feeling were, as well as remembering the things he did, said, the way he acted. Which at times Mickey caught himself doing, a few times; Mickey would catch himself in his room playing with some of the beats that he made; him being Nick but still none the less him. He would dance to them and paint or sometimes draw. He would sing out loud and clean, and a few times Mandy or Iggy caught him. To say they were shock was an understatement. Seeing their brother like this, and seeing how well he was doing made them happy. Mickey would flip them off and tell them to go choke on a dick, which in return they would laugh and so would he. But at times he was very serious about them doing that.

 

 

During those few weeks Mickey did keep to himself lot as well. However he did mean what he said to Ian. He wanted to be friends. After all, a big part of his life Ian was a part of and he felt like he owed him that at least. With that being said Mickey would text Ian, but Ian wouldn’t text him back. Not at first anyways. Mickey figured he was angry and Ian needed his space like Mickey did. But then Debbie and Mandy would come over asking him if he heard from Ian and he told them no. He tried to call Ian from his house phone and a block number to see if he would pick up, but nothing. It was as if Ian disappeared without a trace. No one knew where he was and if he was okay or fine. Mickey started to get worried and he went to the prescient where Ian worked at; however the receptionist there wasn’t telling him anything.

 

 

He managed to get something out of Ian’s Captain telling him that Ian went to New York in regards of work. When Mickey asked what kind of work, Ian’s boss told him if Ian wanted him to know he would. Mickey got angry at that and told Ian’s captain to go fuck himself and left. When he found out where Ian was, Mickey went ahead and told Mandy and Debbie that Ian went to New York. Debbie then told him that Ian just got back and was home now after almost 2 weeks. Mickey was relieved that Ian was okay, he was however curious as to why he left to New York but it wasn’t in his place to ask.

 

 

After Ian got back, Mickey tried again to text him and asks how he was doing. Ian had finally text him back. At first it was nothing but ‘hey’ and ‘how are you doing’, but after a few days of them texting each other, they would have random conversations. Ian would tell Mickey about his day at work and Mickey would tell him about his day and what he did and shit like that. Mickey really wanted to ask Ian why did he leave to New York without telling anyone, but he refrained from asking him that. Mickey never kept the conversation on too long. He didn’t want Ian to hurt as much as he knew he was hurting. Maybe that was why he left to New York or wasn’t returning his text messages in the first Mickey thought to himself. Who knows, but Mickey didn’t want to ask, and felt it would be wrong to ask anyways.

 

 

It did pang a pain in Mickey’s chest when one day he asked Ian what he was doing that night. Ian answered him saying that he was going out to the club to have a few drinks with Mandy. So Mickey decided to call his sister up.

 

 

“Mandy.” Mickey said

 

 

“Yeah Mick what’s up?” Mandy answers as she was getting dressed.

 

 

“Ian said yah going to the club tonight?” Mickey asked

 

 

“Yeah why wanna come along?” Mandy asked excitedly, hoping her brother would come out and have some fun. But also hoping that seeing Ian dance with random guys would get Mickey’s head out of his ass and hopefully have him want to be with Ian or at least or start something. Mandy really wanted her best friend and brother to be happy. She saw how he was when Nick was around and couldn’t help but feel that for some reason, they did belong together whether Mickey was Mickey or not. However Debbie had pointed out to her that if Mickey wanted to be with Colt they can’t force him not to. But that didn’t mean that Mandy couldn’t somehow get her brother jealous, so that way he can calm Ian as his man….wow that sounded so wrong in her head.

 

 

“What? No nah, I just wanted to know what club yah going to that’s all?” Mickey asked curiously.

 

 

Mandy found that odd “Ooookay…so if you don’t want to go then why are you asking where we’re going?” Mandy asked Mickey

 

 

“Just wondering that’s all.” Mickey said

 

 

“Well we’re going to Boy-Town at the old club you use to work at. Figured as Ian’s best friend, I have to get him back on the horse you know. You being with Colt and what not or… I mean are you guys together or what?” Mandy asked all of a sudden.

 

 

“No-I mean yeah, yeah we are. It’s just I need my space to figure shit it out you know. Then with Ian going M.I.A and you know the whole therapy and remembering and shit…….but yeah we’re together. I just wanted to know where you guys were going is all. I figured we could all hang out and shit, but yah going out so…” Mickey said trailing off.

 

 

Mandy however saw through her brother’s bullshit “Hmmm okay, well if you want to come you can. We’re gonna be there probably all night dancing and shit. Hopefully Ian gets laid and I get to persuade a gay guy that a beautiful woman as me can definitely ride him straight; or bisexual at least.” Mandy said.

 

 

Mickey laughs bitterly at that. “Yeah okay bitch keep thinking that shit. I worked with half those guys they ain’t fucking you trust me.” Mickey said

 

 

“Yeah but what if I say I use to be a man? I mean I look too much like woman, but I mean you never know.” Mandy said jokingly

 

 

Mickey looked at his phone like his sister was on some shit. “Are you that desperate for dick that you have to lie about that you use to be a man to get laid? Because if you are, then you’re fucked up more in the head than I am.” Mickey says to Mandy laughing at her over the phone.

 

 

“Nah I just want to win this bet I have with Debbie. Loser has to pay up and be the other ones slave for 2 weeks.” Mandy tells her brother.

 

 

“What the? Mandy I think you have a really serious fuckin problem.” Mickey said to her.

 

 

“Yeah and what’s that?” Mandy asked as she was putting on her make-up while talking to her brother.

 

 

“Being a dumbass, with a gambling problem.” Mickey says.

 

 

“Fuck you Mickey! It’s always good to be young and stupid. Let me live my youth.” Mandy says and she over hears Mickey snort at that over the phone. “Look Mick, if you want to come out, come out okay. I have to finish getting ready yeah. See yah later.” Mandy says and hang up the phone.

 

 

Mickey looks at his phone and sighs. He was stuck at home by himself….should he go out? Should he not? FUCK! Why did this bother him so much? Ian is free to do whatever he wants, he’s not with him and he’s with Colt….yeah yup Ian can go out with whoever he wants? And get laid and drink at a club where he can hook up with anyone……yeah.

 

***********

 

Mandy and Ian go to Boys Town to dance and have some fun. Ian’s been down and has been trying to get himself back up. It’s hard, but he’s managing with Debbie and Mandy helping him. They were right though he needs to happy just as Mickey needs to be as well. Ian wants Mickey to get better, wants him to be happy, and if being with someone else and getting himself situated means that he’s not with Mickey? Well okay then. Mickey was trying to keep his word to Ian and still wanted to be friends, but that was hard for Ian at the moment. However he did want to tell Mickey that maybe it was best for them not to speak, to cut tides. But then Debbie reminded him that Mickey needs support from everyone and that maybe Ian should move on and start over. Which is why he didn’t say to anyone, but Debbie about the offer to go back into the Marines and train soldiers this time around and not see combat; however Debbie was upset that he even was considering it.

 

 

He did also get an offer to transfer to move to either New York or Seattle police department as well, which was why he left for week and a half hiatus.  So Ian had a few options, he just didn’t know if staying was the best or if leaving was. He didn’t want to leave Mickey, but he was doing fine now and Debbie did tell him she would go with him anywhere. Just that if he considered going back into the Marine she was going to kill. She was against him leaving her again, she couldn’t take it.

 

 

So now Ian was in the club drinking and dancing with random guys. He saw a familiar face at the bar and greeted him as Jeff saw him to. Turns out Jeffery decided that bartending was more his style then dancing on stage. Ian and Jeff had a small conversation, he did ask about Nick and Ian brushed it off saying they weren’t together anymore and to not mention it. Jeffery understood and continued to flirt with Ian. After a few drinks both boys were dancing on the floor together, numbers were exchanged that night and Jeff kissed Ian. Ian at first didn’t know that to do, but he kissed him back. Mandy saw the whole thing and couldn’t help but feel upset, yet not upset. She did after all get him out the house to find a guy and hook up with. But fuck she was sure Mickey would have at least come and something would happen with them…Guess we all can’t get what we want right?

 

***********

 

A few nights later Mickey and Colt came home from a dinner date they had one night. They’ve been going out every other night to dinner, the movies or whatever. Colt was trying to woo Mickey and it was working in a way. It took Mickey’s mind off Ian and it felt good to not worry if Ian was okay, or to think of therapy and the session that he was having with Charlene. He just wanted to not think and these outing were helping in some way. So right now they stood in the living room and Mickey was looking for something to play on his game system. He was in the mood to kill zombies as he told Colt. So when he decided to play Resident Evil 6 he was happy about it. When Mickey turns around Colt wasn’t in the sala any more. He called for him

 

 

“Hey Colt!” Mickey yelled out. When he didn’t answer, Mickey went to go find him to see where he went “…hey…um what’s going on here man?” Mickey asked when he found Colt in his bedroom holding something in his hand.

 

 

“Say yes Mickey.” Was all Colt said to him.

 

  
Mickey looked at Colt weird. “Um no…what am I saying Yes to? What is it Colt?”

 

 

Colt gets down on one knee and Mickey is looking at him weird. “Mickey…you’re the love of my life…will you marry me?”

 

 

Mickey is in shock and doesn’t say anything at first. This is sudden! This is what the fuck is this? This is too sudden right now? Was all Mickey could think at this moment. Then his mind drift to what he thought a few weeks back. About Colt being there for him, sticking around and not leaving; a person wouldn’t do that if they just wanted to hurt you right? Yes, he should say yes he thinks. Yes…… right? But then a big part of him, a big huge part is telling him “NO! NO Mickey you can’t marry him! Do you even love him!? Do you even Love you!? But I can learn to love him.” Mickey knows he can, he cares for Colt and fuck what does he do? “Ummm...I ah ….Shit Colt I.” was all that came out of Mickey’s mouth.

 

 

“Just say yes Mick. Me and you, we’ve been through some heavy shit okay. And I know I haven’t been the best person, but I love you… Isn’t that enough? We can finally move on and take the next step forward.” Colt tells him

 

 

Mickey is thinking that yeah it should be, shouldn’t it. But he doesn’t know what to do or how to think or what to say. “Colt can um…fuck can I?” Mickey says and turns to leave his room. He’s heading out the door, but stops when he hears Colt again.

 

 

“Mickey! Mickey what is it? Please don’t leave! Mick answer, me please.” Colt says

 

 

Mickey turns around and looks at Colt. “I’ll be back…I uh I have to go I have to talk to someone….Just ah…stay here okay, I mean you can go home or um…fuck I can’t answer you right now. I have to clear my head first please.” Mickey says and walks out fast out of his apartment and leaves. He gets in his car and drives to the one place that he thought he could get some answers from. He needs to get make a decisions and right now. He’s not so sure that saying yes or saying no is right.

 

***********

 

Mickey calls Mandy but she wasn’t answering her phone, he even went ahead and called Ian, but he didn’t pick up.  Mickey text Debbie to see if she was home; she texted him saying only Ian was home and that she would be home soon. So he drives up to the Gallagher house and sees that Ian is in fact still home. His car is park outside, that’s a good thing. He needs to speak to someone, someone who he knows he can trust. And yes he trusts Ian. After everything that happened, Ian is someone Mickey thinks he can trust, plus Nick trusted him and Mickey felt that and still feels it.

 

 

Mickey walks up to the door, he was going to knock on the door, but remember that Ian and Debbie always kept the door opened. So he opens the door and goes inside. He hears noises upstairs, so he figured Ian was home in his room. He felt it was best to wait down stairs, going upstairs was too personal and maybe that would affect his and Ian’s relationship of what they already had. There’s more noises and Mickey is calling Ian’s phone but he’s not answering as he hears it going off. It’s in the kitchen he sees it. He goes to it and then he hears laughing, it’s Ian’s laughter he hears and someone else’s?

 

 

“Ian?” Mickey calls out. “Ian are you home!” Then Ian comes down the stairs in shock, and is looking at Mickey. From what Mickey can tell Ian is flushed and has…is that a fucking Hickey on his neck?

 

 

“Shit Mick…I didn’t know you were here?” Ian says buttoning up his shirt trying not to look at Mickey. It’s the first time he’s seen him since the whole integration happened.

 

 

Mickey feels awkward now. Maybe he should have waited for Debbie to come home. “I ah…I need to talk to someone. I tried to call, but you weren’t answering and then Debbie said you were home and she’s on her way. So I figured I either wait for her or um… you know. Talk to you since you’re here and-” Mickey was saying but was cut off when someone familiar came down to greet them.

 

 

“Oh shit Nick! I ah…” Jeff said who is shirtless and his pants where undone. Mickey noticed all this. Jeff looks at Ian. “I thought you said you guys were over? Why’s he over here?” Jeff asked Ian.

 

 

“We’re friend still asshole.” Ian said dryly but then looks at Mickey and sees his shocked face. “So Mick what’s up?” Ian asked him.

 

 

Mickey isn’t thrown off by Jeff calling him Nick, no one at his old job or his currently one at the shop knows about his disorder. They didn’t need to. Not there fucking business. Mickey looks at both him and Jeff and he thinks to himself “so Ian moved on….good for him.” Mickey thinks. “Good for him, he should, it’s what is best” He thought to himself. It’s what is best for the both of them. “You guy are fucking!?” Mickey asked bitterly looking at Ian. Ian said nothing and Jeff smiled at Mickey. Mickey sighs. He knew this was a bad idea. “You know um...Nothing I ah…I really needed to talk to Debbie about something, but I see you’re busy here. So Ima wait in my car for her to get home, so you two fuckers can keep fucking around. Excuse me.” Mickey says and is on his way out the door.

 

 

Ian is right behind him and stops him at the front door. “No! Hey Mickey wait! Look I know what it looks like.” Ian says but Mickey cuts him off.

 

 

“No Ian I do, plus you’re a free man you can fuck whoever you want! But really fucking Jeff? Of all people him!” Mickey said and he is pissed off. He knew he shouldn’t be but he is.

 

 

Ian looks at him and looks back in the house. “Look Mick…” he sighs. “What’s up man, are you sure you okay? You don’t need anything?” was all Ian can ask or really say to him. The situation wasn’t the best, and he knows that.

 

 

Mickey smiles at Ian. “Nah man…I just wanted to catch up and ah see how you’re doing, but I can see you’re doing pretty well…” Mickey says looking at Ian then shakes his head. “Fucking the club slut and all.” Mickey says as he points to the hickey on Ian’s right side of his neck.

 

 

Ian blushes slightly, yet gives Mickey a look and wants to ask if he’s jealous but doesn’t. “I’m fine Mick….you sure you’re okay? You came over because you said you need to talk.” Ian asked him again.

 

 

Mickey smiles and nods his head. “No yeah, I just needed to talk to Debbie. She said she’ll be home soon, but you were here so I you know figured you were able to talk…but you’re busy so. I mean beside I need to speak to her more anyways. I’m trying to figure out what to get Mandy for her birthday and the bitch gave me a hint saying that Debbie knew what she would want….Fucking bitch never makes shit fucking easy for me I swear man.” Mickey says lying to Ian. He didn’t know that Colt asked him to marry him, he moved on and he should. It was only right.

 

 

Ian looks at Mickey and is trying to see if he was lying or not. And damn it! He can’t tell if he’s lying or not. “Okay… I mean are you good? Nothing more you need or anything?” Ian asked hopefully.

 

 

“Nah man…I’m just gonna wait in the car, or go get some food. I‘m fucking starving actually.” Mickey lies; Ian doesn’t need to know he came from a dinner date with Colt and now he feels like vomiting all of his food back up.

 

 

Ian nods his head and Mickey walks down the street and gets into his car. Ian goes back in the house and Mickey got his answer. Ian’s with Jeffery of all people Jeffery. Fucker couldn’t he have gotten someone else at least and not that dumb fucking STD walking tramp. Mickey thought to himself. No…no he has to be happy for Ian. Plus Ian moved on, and so should he. He’s got his answer.

 

 

Mickey doesn’t wait for Debbie he drives off back to his loft apartment where he left Colt at. The man that proposed to him the one that…that he has to love, the one he should love.  Mickey gets back to his loft apartment and is not sure if Colt is there or not. A part of him is hoping he’s not, but in Mickey’s life luck wasn’t something he got. So Mickey walks in his apartment to find Colt sitting in the sala staring at a picture of them.

 

 

“Yes” is all Mickey says

 

 

Colt looks up at Mickey when he hears him “What?”

 

 

“Yes Colt…yes I’ll marry you.” Mickey says again, and Colt walks up to him.

 

 

“You sure, because I mean you left out and fuck Mick I thought.” Colt says but doesn’t finish his sentence.

 

 

“Yes…Yes I’ll fucking marry you okay. I just need to think and clear my head and make sure I would make the right decision. So yes, my answer to you is yes okay? You happy?” Mickey said almost bitterly but skeptical giving Colt a smile. Colt but Colt doesn’t pay attention to that, and puts the ring on Mickey’s finger.

 

 

“I love you Mickey so much, with all my heart.” Colt says to him and kisses him.

 

 

Mickey kisses him and yes this is the right decision for him. The only thing he thinks is right.

 

 

Colt starts to try and move them to the room to celebrate their engagement. Both men are making out and things get heated up pretty fast. But Mickey stops Colt. “No” Mickey says in a whisper.

 

 

Colt gives him a face. “Why? Why the fuck not? I mean I thought we would celebrate after all. Plus we haven’t done it in a while Mickey. I’m kinda getting blue balls over here.” Colt says to him nipping at his neck as he talks

 

 

Mickey pushes him away and shakes his head “No…I can’t.” Mickey says to him, and Colt looks at him with frustration.

 

 

“Okay again why? I mean what the fuck Mickey?” Colt said annoyed at being stopped by Mickey.

 

 

“Colt I…fuck I don’t want sex.” Mickey says to him. He hasn’t been sexually active since remembering everything, and he knew it might be a problem. After remembering everything, sex is out of the question for now.

 

 

Colt looks at him and really looks at him as he steps back. “Again…I’m gonna ask why the fuck not? Since when do you turn down sex?”

 

 

Mickey walks away from him and sits on the edge of his sofa “Look it ain’t you okay, it just. After remembering everything and what I feel. I can’t okay. I don’t want sex, I don’t want to be touched in that way and I don’t want to.., shit I don’t even want to fucking look at porn okay! I just, can you please.” Mickey says to him.

 

 

Colt pinches his noise and looks at Mickey and goes up to him. “Mickey you know I don’t fuck you, and when we did I didn’t like it. I’m gonna be the one getting fuck here and you’re gonna enjoy it like always.” Colt tells him.

 

 

Mickey looks at Colt confusingly; he didn’t get it. “Colt no! No okay, I never like it, yeah I do sometimes but not all the time okay. Plus… plus you don’t know, sometimes I would….but they sometimes they would make me.” Mickey says and he can’t finish any sentence about it.

 

 

Colt just give up. “Fine…you know what, how would I know anyways? You don’t say shit to me anyway Mickey. I asked you about the session and you don’t even tell me. Shit even fucking Ian went to one of your sessions and not me! God man.” Colt huffs out.

 

 

Mickey gets up and looks at Colt like he was fucking crazy. “Are you fucking kidding me?” Mickey says in a low hiss voice “Ian went to that session because I need answer about Nick okay, and that was before I was integrated. Plus are you really gonna do this now. Right when you proposed to me, right when this is supposed to be something both me and you should feel happy about. But instead you want to start a fight?” Mickey says to him.

 

 

Colt looks at Mickey and nods his head. “You’re right I’m sorry okay. I just… I don’t.  You know you have to speak what’s on your mind, and stop holding it in.” Colt says as he grabs his coat and heads to the door. He turns around to look at Mickey and says softly. “Call me in the morning okay. You’re worked up and we both know that when you’re worked up you don’t like to be around no one. I’m not mad, I’m frustrated and I hope you get that….it’s just I hope you can talk to me you know. I’m gonna be your husband right?” Colt says and makes his way out the door.

 

 

Mickey sits back down and looks down at his left ring finger. This is supposed to be a happy moment spent with someone you love, someone who gets you, who understands you. But instead he’s alone, and it’s because of him he feels it’s his fault again.  And for once in his life, he honestly wishes that he wasn’t him at all. Not with what he’s feeling and thinking. Before Mickey can think he goes and tries to calls Colt before he can leave and get in car and tells him to come back and not to leave. Mickey doesn’t want to be alone and is afraid of what he might do.

 

 

He’s able to catch Colt before he leaves. Mickey tells him to stay and not go. He can tell that Colt is reluctant to come back in the apartment and stay. Mickey asked Colt if can stay the night with him tonight to just hang out. That maybe tomorrow they can at least go out with his brothers and sister so that they can celebrate. Colt looks at Mickey suspiciously, but caves in and gave Mickey a hard kiss, which Mickey gave him right back. Mickey tried to explain to him what he was feeling and Colt sat on the sofa with him and just listened to him. When Mickey didn’t want to speak about anything or about the abuse he just leaned on Colt and Colt wrapped his arms around him. This is what he needed.

 

***************

 

It turns out Mandy and Iggy were already going out tonight when Mickey had called them yesterday night. But they were going out with Ian and with Jeff. Mickey didn’t miss the look Mandy gave him and the stink look she gave Colt when they entered the bar. Collin was already there with Leah and they were enjoying the night. Everyone was drinking and Ian looked like he was done. Colt didn’t say anything, he was happy about his engagement to the man he loved and wasn’t about to let nothing ruin it. Not even his fiancé ex. 

 

 

Colt knew Mandy didn’t care for him. Ever since shit went down, Mandy verbally informs Mickey that Colt is no good. However she let her brother be and said nothing more. Colt could care less, because it’s obvious Mickey doesn’t care to listen to any one anymore.  Not to mention it looked like to Colt that Ian was moving on and had someone with him. So Colt didn’t care how affection he was being with Mickey in front of everyone.

 

 

However the new engaged couple didn’t notice Ian staring at them and he was becoming uneased around them. He still wasn’t over everything and right now he just wanted to drown his mind in alcohol and not think for a while. Seeing Colt hugged up on Mickey and knowing Nick is gone and now he’s all alone, just sucked. Mickey didn’t seem to care that Ian was there when Colt kissed him and he kissed him back grabbing his ass. It almost made Ian want to puke but he just took another shot of vodka and focused his attention on Jeff.

 

 

During sometime at the beginning of the evening Colt had got a call from his job for him to come in to the hospital. He hadn’t even gotten one drink in and said he would be on his way. Mickey gave him a protest look, but told him he would make it up to him. Colt gave Mickey a long kiss which Mickey smiled into and kissed him back. He then left and left Mickey with his brothers, sister and Ian with his new love interest.

 

 

More drinks were being pasted amongst everyone and Mickey was happy; well considering he had taken a happy pill before he left the house and was drinking. He was what we would call, feeling nice. Ian on the other hand was becoming more trashed and was talking with Jeff at the bar. They were flirty and touchy feely from what Mickey saw, but he didn’t care, he didn’t want to care so he made himself not care. Mickey made his choice, and so did Ian. All is well as it should be. Or was it?

 

 

Ian and Jeff disappeared for about 20 minutes and no one saw Ian until he came back out and sat on the bar stool emotionless. Mandy was worried about him, but Ian told her he was fine. After seeing Mickey leave his house and the fact that Jeff was with him; Ian couldn’t help but feel worse. He knew he was using Jeff to place the void of losing Nick, but he didn’t care.  Jeff had asked why did everyone call Nick Mickey and Ian told him it was his really name. That Nick was just a stage name. Jeff didn’t say anything more about it.

 

 

Ian got drunk out of his mind, and knocked over the bar stool and walks outside. Mickey glanced at Ian; Jeff seemed like he didn’t care as he just laughed and sat down drinking more. Mickey makes a face and goes to go see if Ian was okay.

 

 

Ian walks out of the bar drunker than ever. He leans on the wall near the alley. He continues to walk along wall of the alley and goes to sit down on the benches across the street near the park. He was done and out of it. He was emotional and pissed the fuck off.

 

 

Mickey follows Ian and walks up to him. He looks at Ian before he speaks “Ian are you okay man?”

 

 

“Who me?” Ian laughs out.

 

 

“Come on man let me get you into a cab or some shit so you go home.  I have to get back inside to my brothers and Mandy man, and you with Jeff.” Mickey said

 

 

Ian just shrugs his shoulders and shakes his head. “I feel bad for love, for loving. You know it always seems like someone is gonna end up alone regardless…I mean I did. I mean I am.” Ian says drunkly. “But hey I guess I’m lucky right….I sometimes see Nick when I see you right?” Ian said and he wasn’t making much sense

 

 

Mickey sighed “Ian please? Nick he-he’s gone okay man. You have to pull yourself together.” Mickey said to him

 

 

“See when Nick was with me, he was with me… He wasn’t gone; but you, you Mickey I don’t know where you were at when Nick was with me. So since Nick is a part of you right….so was it you who I was making love to? Was it you I said I love you to? Where you making love to me?” Ian asked confusingly drunk.

 

 

Mickey sighs again and looks around and then back at Ian. “Ian please… we have to move on I thought you said you were okay with everything or at least you made it seem like you were. We have to get past this….we said we would be friends at least.” Mickey says to Ian.

 

 

Ian stands up and laughs. “First it was Adam….now Nick. Fuck it’s like I’m destiny to be alone because I should fucking be alone…It’s like loving me is a curse or something.” Ian says and then looks at Mickey “fuck it” He says lowly and grabs Mickey and kisses him.

 

 

The kiss immediately becomes heated and Ian is grabbing on to Mickey for dear life and Mickey is kissing Ian back just the same. For a few more seconds the kiss continues but then Mickey pulls back and pushes Ian back. “Fuck. I’m not Nick Ian!” Mickey shouts to Ian

 

 

Ian looks at Mickey shakes his head “No… no you’re Mickey.” Ian says to him and looks at him more in a different way.

 

 

“Then why did you kiss me if you know I’m Mickey and not Nick? You know what, don’t answer that shit okay you’re drunk and that’s why you fucking kissed me.” Mickey says.

 

 

Ian looks at him and stands up more straight “You think whatever you want” Ian says

 

 

Mickey looks at Ian and is thinking to himself on what he should do. “Let just get you in a cab okay. Come on.” Mickey says and grabs Ian’s arm and walks him over to the street and calls him a cab. Mickey gets in the cab with Ian and takes him home.  When he gets to the Gallagher house, he is happy to see that Debbie is home. She helps Mickey with Ian and gets him upstairs. Debbie asked Mickey if Ian drunk away his emotions or something and Mickey couldn’t help but nod at her question. She told Mickey she had Ian and thanked him.

 

 

Mickey left home and when he got there his mind was in a thousand places at once. He touched his lips and remembered how Ian’s lips felt in his. He pushed his thoughts away and went to go to bed and rest-off his whole day away.

 

*******************

 

Mickey had developed a new routine, just like he had before, but slightly different of course. He would get up early to do a work out, eat breakfast, and go to the shop but only for a few hours within the day. It wasn’t like he use to do it and be there for 12 hours or more in a day. He only worked for about 5 hours. Then he would go to therapy 3 times a week now. He’s been working on being more comfortable around people again, and it’s working. He told Charlene about the not wanting to have sex and she said that it was perfectly fine. He mentions Ian and the kiss they shared. She asked him about, but he said it meant nothing to him. Or that was at least how he thought he felt about it. Ian had text him the next day and apologising for the way he acted and all was forgiven. Friends…they were friends and that was how it was going to be.

 

 

Mickey had mention the engagement to Charlene. He told her that he only told his siblings, who seemed like they were happy but also not happy at the same time. Collin had even asked Mickey if he was sure about wanting to Marry Colt. Mickey told Collin yeah he was sure, even though Mickey knew he was lying to himself and everyone else. Deep down inside he wasn’t sure he wanted this. Mandy straight out told him she didn’t like it, and that she would easily handle Colt. But Mickey told her no, which got her upset, but she kept quiet. Iggy….well Iggy; you can say he didn’t have much to say. He looked like he had a lot on his mind. However Iggy did ask him in private if Colt forced it on him. Which then lead to an argument and Mickey told them all to go fuck themselves as he wasn’t a fragile fucking child. Charlene told Mickey it was normal for his siblings to be concerned for him. And that maybe he should sit with them and talk about things more clearly instead of arguing with them. She reminded Mickey that they all felt guilty and that it seemed that they had a need to protect him, which there was nothing wrong with that. But she did tell Mickey she understood how he felt and encouraged him to at least express himself to his siblings.

 

 

Even so with the advice Charlene gave Mickey; him and his siblings didn’t speak much about the engagement after words; maybe it was because Mickey didn’t want to hear it. Or maybe it was because Iggy and Collin seemed to have something on their minds. He didn’t know. Anyway on this particular day Mickey didn’t have therapy so Colt came over to spend time with him and start planning the wedding. Colt wanted to make a decision of when they should get married. Mickey didn’t want to talk much about anything he just wanted to watch TV and lay down and be lazy really.

 

 

So now here was Mickey with Colt on his sala. Colt was saying something but Mickey wasn’t paying much attention to him. “Hey you? Did you hear me?” Colt asked Mickey.

 

 

“hmph” Mickey says in response looking up at Colt from the TV. Colt just gave him a face “No. No I didn’t.”

 

 

Colt huffed and was annoyed at being ignored. “You’re not taking this shit seriously Mickey!” Colt says to him.

 

 

Mickey sits up from the sofa and shrugs his shoulders. “Look I just wanted it to be lazy day okay. I don’t want to think or talk or…look I don’t want think okay. I just want to relax and I’m having a hard time doing it… like right now.” Mickey says as he tries to avoid talking about the wedding.

 

 

Colt looks at him and grins. “Well I do have a method to relax you if you want me to?” Colt says to Mickey and goes to lay on top of him and starts kissing him.

 

 

Mickey was kissing Colt back and they were making out.  It started to get heavy pretty fast and Colt started to move his hips against Mickey. Mickey moaned slightly and deepens the kiss between him and Colt. This wasn’t that bad Mickey said to himself. Colt started to dry hump and Mickey was caught off guard.  Colt didn’t notice Mickey froze when he started to dry hump him faster and when he grabbed Mickey’s crotch a second latter. Mickey was frozen completely under Colt and Colt was kissing Mickey’s neck and sucking on it. Just then Colt slipped his hand into Mickey’s pants started to rub on him.

 

 

Why didn’t Colt notice Mickey wasn’t moving or enjoying it, he didn’t know why. Mickey couldn’t move or make a sound, his eyes teared up and a tear slid down his cheek. He didn’t like this; he didn’t want this, not yet! He wasn’t ready yet, everything was still too fresh for him. It being almost 3 months since he remembered everything he couldn’t do this! Not now. Mickey instantly snaps out of his thoughts and pushes Colt off of him. Mickey shoves Colt off of him so hard, that Colt falls to the floor as Mickey gets up from the sofa and wipes his face quickly.

 

 

“What the fuck Mickey!” Colt shouted to him

 

 

“No! No I’m not ready I fucking told you that!” Mickey shouted back at Colt.

 

 

“Are you fucking kidding me Mickey! I was trying to help you relax for fuck sacks man! Fuck!, I’m getting fucking blue balls over here right now! How long am I gonna have wait till you sort your shit out! It’s in the past Mickey all that happened in the fucking past man!” Colt says and gets up from the floor and walks over to his work bag.

 

 

“Fuck you Colt! You don’t know shit, so fuck you, you piece of shit!” Mickey says and is beyond pissed

 

 

“Excuse me?” Colt said looking at him

 

 

“You heard me didn’t you!? Are you fucking deaf? Do you need to clean your fuckin ears and get them shits check the fuck out. I. said.” Mickey says and starts speaking to Colt sarcastically “Are. You. Fucking. Deaf! Do you need me to explain to you, you fuckin inconsiderate ass what that means dick breathe!” Mickey yells out at Colt.

 

 

Colt glared at Mickey before he speaks. “You know what? Fuck you Mickey! When you’re all well and shit and not being a bitch! Call me. Okay? Till then why don’t you go fuck yourself.” Colt says and takes his shit storming out of the apartment, leaving Mickey alone.

 

 

Mickey stands in the middle of his apartment for a few moments in silent. “Fuck” Mickey says and decided to leave and go outside. He needed to get out of his apartment, he felt closed in as big as it was he felt closed in. Colt’s been trying hard to get him into bed, and Mickey keeps telling him no. He’s not ready, it’s not time; he needs more time to stop feeling guilty and dirty. Why is Colt not getting that shit, why does he not understand at all? If he so call loves Mickey why is he not giving him time? That’s all Mickey needs is time. What a fucking asshole.

 

                            

Mickey puts his sneakers on, and puts his leather jacket on and leaves his apartment. He starts walking and finds himself walking to somewhere somewhat familiar to him. He goes to the pier and is walking by himself letting the cold air hit him. He’s 24 years old and has so many problems, one being his asshole of a fiancé, and the other himself.  He goes and sits on the benches looking at the lake. He just sits there and is thinking about everything. Tears begin to swell up in his eyes. He lets out a few tears and wipes them away quickly, but the tears are still leaves his eyes, and now there puffy and red. He wants to be normal again, that’s what he wants, but he had no idea that this was the price. His sanity, his life, his emotional state and it’s just tiring.  He decides to walk around some more, clear his mind a bit. He somehow walked towards Lincoln Park and spots Ian. Ian doesn’t spot him, but he sees him with a guy. It’s not Jeffery, at least that’s what he thinks, he can’t tell if it is; but Mickey doesn’t like how the guy is leaning on Ian and smiling at him as Ian says something. Mickey shakes his head and he knows he has no right to be jealous of that guy all over Ian, but he is.

 

 

Mickey then decides to turn around and leave, hoping Ian doesn’t spot him. Apparently this was not Mickey’s day because he hears Ian calling him as he was walking away.

 

 

“Mickey! Hey man what’s up!” Ian says and jogs up to him. 

 

 

Mickey turns around and smiles at Ian, but Ian’s face falls a little when he see Mickey’s eyes and how red they are. “Oh hey Ian!” Mickey just says and looks at the guy next to Ian. “I’m good man; just going for a walk is all.” Mickey says and tries to look someone where else other then the guy who has his arm wrapped around Ian’s arm. “So who’s this guy?” Mickey asked Ian and the shorter guy makes a face at Mickey and Mickey raised his eye brows at him

 

 

Ian looks at Mickey and his friend, well not friend. More like the blind date that Debbie set him up with. “Oh this is ah Nate, Nate this is Mickey a friend of mines.” Ian says and Nate nods his head and waves at Mickey who nods his head back at Nate.

 

 

Mickey smiles at Ian and Nate then says. “Well um, I gotta go, so enjoy yah date okay.” Mickey said and leaves both men there. Mickey walks back to his apartment faster than he ever did. He closes his door and goes into the bathroom and just throws up. He looks at himself in the mirror and cleans his mouth and makes his way into the sala.

 

 

Seeing Ian on a date with a different guy that wasn’t Jeff was a good thing. God did Mickey hate Jeff. But still seeing Ian with someone else…well it was a good thing. Yeah a good thing Mickey thought to himself. Mickey’s now in his sala siting down on his laptop looking at things for the wedding. He figured maybe if he surprised Colt with a few things he thought would be okay for the wedding he would back off a bit.

 

 

Mickeys mind then went back to what Colt said; the truth was sex just didn’t interest Mickey and he wanted Colt to get that. He figured he would if he explained to him why, but how many times does he have to figure it out or explain to him. It’s just….it was hard to explain to someone else for various reasons. Sure Mickey didn’t talk to Colt about the abuse and what Terry did to him, but that was hard to tell anyone who wasn’t his doctor. He still had a hard time talking to Charlene as it is. It wasn’t easy for him, not to say he didn’t try to talk to Colt about his feelings and what he was feeling, but even so. Colt should have understood on some level at least.

 

 

Mickey abandoned his work on the laptop. He poured himself a drink and he was now nursing his drink of Hennessy when he hears his bell ringing. Reluctantly he gets up and goes to the door. When he opens it, he didn’t expect to see the one person he thought would come to his house.

 

 

“Hey.” Ian says to him and holds up a pack of beer and takeout food in the other hand. “I figured we can hang out or something. I tried to call you, but you didn’t answer or you’re phone died or something….Is this a bad time or something? Is Colt here?” Ian asked all in one shot

 

 

Mickey looks at Ian and gives him a small smile. “Nah man, come on in.” Mickey says and Ian walks in. As they walked into the sala Mickey looks at Ian and spoke again “I thought you were with that guy, like on a date or something?” Mickey asked

 

 

Ian looks at Mickey and smiles. “Yeah, yeah I was, but the guy was kinda boring. Plus all he did was walk about himself which sucked….and he’s not my type.”

 

 

“So why were you out with him if he ain’t your type?” Mickey asked

 

 

“Debbie. She ah set me up on this blind date and said I need to get back out there or some shit.” Ian said not looking at Mickey.

 

 

Mickey just nods his head and sits down. “So you thought to dumb your date and come to here to me?” Mickey asked him

 

 

Ian looks at Mickey as he takes out the food and opens up a beer for himself “Honestly….you looked like you could use a friend to talk to. I know I haven’t been the best person or a good friend and we agreed that we would try to be friends but…” When Mickey looks at him and frowns, Ian continues to talk. “Your eyes were kind of red and your face was a bit puffy. That’s the same face you make when you’re angry or when you cry. So I figured might as well end the shitty date I had early, and see if you were okay.” Ian says not taking his eyes off of Mickey.

 

 

Mickey nods his head and said nothing as he started eating his food. Ian didn’t say anything either. They both just sat there in silence and watched TV, but eventually Ian was itching to know what was wrong with Mickey so he asked “So you okay?” Ian asked Mickey who took his eyes away from the TV to look at Ian now.

 

 

“Yeah” Mickey said nodding his head at the same time.

 

 

“You’re a bad liar.” Ian tells Mickey giving him a small smirk

 

 

Mickey snorted at Ian. “You should talk, you’re worse.” Mickey said smiling and then looked down at his food. He wasn’t hungry anymore. He puts the food down on the coffee table and leans back and sighs.

 

Ian decided to try again and ask. “So you going to tell me or do I have tickle it out of you.” Ian said and Mickey looks at him and gives him the finger. “What wrong Mickey? Did something happen, with you and dumb fuck.” Ian says to him. Mickey nods his head and is still looking down at his hands. “Wanna talk about it?” Ian asked after Mickey didn’t say anything to him

 

 

Mickey shrugged his shoulders at first in responds to Ian’s question. He then looks up at Ian and then at the TV screen. “He got mad because I didn’t want have sex with him……and we got into a little argument and he left. Nothing to it really.” Mickey said like it was nothing

 

 

Ian turns his body and looks at Mickey. Mickey looks at Ian briefly and sees that Ian frown his eye brows together and is looking at Mickey with concern. “Wait a minute, wait a minute, and the fuck wait a minute. He got mad because you didn’t want to have sex? What the fuck?” Ian asked

 

 

“Me and Colt haven’t slept together since everything happened, even before everything and me getting ready to be integrated….we didn’t sleep with one another. He said he got blue balls or some shit but I told him I don’t want sex. I’m just not interested in it after everything, but apparently he’s not getting it, and he’s not patient. So I told him to go fuck himself and that he didn’t get it and he left. Simple as that nothing major.” Mickey simple said shrugging his shoulders and drinking his beer.

 

 

“That doesn’t explain why your eyes were red? And I mean…God I can’t believe I’m actually trying to help you with that dick head. But…but have you tried to explain to him why? Like why you don’t want to have sex and why it doesn’t interest you as much.” Ian asked Mickey

 

 

Mickey looks at Ian again. “You were all there; you know what happened to me. He knows and I told him he has to wait. But he’s not fucking patient and I’m not about to give him something I don’t want. I did that for years and I….It’s hard to talk to him about what happened to me because…I feel dirty and he doesn’t get it.” Mickey said quietly. Ian looked at him and furrowed his eyebrows at Mickey.

 

 

Ian chanced it in asking Mickey. “Do you want to talk about it now? What happened to you? I mean I know what happened but I know there’s a lot you don’t want talk about or say.” Ian asked quickly to Mickey expecting him to tell him off.

 

 

Mickey just shifts his body and looks at Ian. His left leg is hanging off the sofa and is bouncing up and down. He looks down at his hand and doesn’t say anything for a few minutes.

 

 

Mickey is thinking about what to say; there’s no one else he speaks to about what happened to him other than Charlene. There’s no one else that he is comfortable with other than her, but for some reason, Ian. Ian just makes him feel comfortable and safe. So he chances it and starts talking as he gets flash back of memories and tells Ian.

 

 

“You know there were times when Terry would put me in the shower, hit me with a belt in there and then turn the water on hot really high, then back to cold….. When I would be in the cold water sometimes he would leave me in there till I turned blue.” Mickey said and his eyes swelled up as he tried not to cry and he looked over at the TV. But Ian could see how watery his eyes were becoming as Mickey is speaking to him. “That would happen when he would say that the customer who paid for me wasn’t satisfied and that I had to pay for it… for my mistakes because I was a mistake.” Mickey said and a few tears came down his face and he wiped them away quickly. No words were to be said as Ian just looked him as he spoke.

 

 

“There were other times with Terry, when he would; it wasn’t just those two times I mentioned before when you all heard it. I lived that more than once; and Nick took it for him and hide it so, so, far deep inside that if I could I would erase it from my mind if it were possible….Terry would come in my room at night all the time…….but it wasn’t to say good night like regular parents do…No, see he would fondle me under my bedclothes. As young as I could remember I would try to protect myself with pillows and hiding under the bed. Pretending to be asleep was never an option…He always touched me, made me do thing to with the other men, or other woman.  He would let them touch me, force me to smile for the camera.” Mickey says now as he’s sobbing. He was trying so hard to hold it in, but he couldn’t.

 

 

“He would always tell me, that I had to pay for being born. I was his mistake, his reason for being miserable. He would sometimes say that if I didn’t do what I was told he would sell me off to someone and that no one would want me anyway; No one would want someone who was used up. He would tell me he wishes he never had me, or that he wished that my mother would have aborted me like he wanted her to. He would say that the men who paid for me wanted me, so he would give me up to them for a price….I always felt dirty after they were done with me. Even when I took a shower I was being recorded. One time I was crying in the shower and this guy hit me. He hit me so hard that I still have the scar of when I fell back and hit my back against the corner tile of the bathtub. The men….they always said that sometimes crying spoiled their fun, but that they like to know I was in pain none the less. They said crying made them upset because they had to hear it over and over again and it was annoy to them….I later on stop crying because I was all cried. No matter how many times I cried they never would stop.” Mickey said bitterly out loud and his eyes were angry with tears. He sniffed and sighed but continued on talking looking away from Ian and spacing out as he talked to him.

 

 

“Terry would tell them that I would do anything because I was disgusting human being….I sometimes can still hear their voices in the back of my mind, as they would tell me things. As they would be behind me and would…they would rape me over and over…They always told me that I was a good boy for doing what I was told…. As I got older thought they would-Terry would sometimes let them use objects to um…to do things to me. One time one of the guys made me….he made me…he said that I had to…” Mickey couldn’t finish saying what he was saying because now he was sobbing harder. “I always felt dirty, and whether it was him or any of them, I never felt clean. I still sometimes don’t feel clean as if I can feel them still on me hovering over me with their breath and their spit and their…their smell and everything! It just makes me sick and I don’t want to have sex because it reminds me of so many things.” Mickey says covering his face now and is crying harder. Ian gets up and goes to Mickey in an instant and holds him close.

 

 

Mickey cried and no words were to be said as he held on to Ian. Ian held on to Mickey telling him it wasn’t his fault, and that he was safe.  Mickey buried his face in Ian shoulders and let out a cry that even Ian never heard from him. Ian wanted to kick Colts ass, because Mickey shouldn’t have to explain to anyone what he just explain to him. Not unless it was his doctor or that he himself where ready to talk about it. This was beyond him, and Ian now wishes even more that Nick would have let him pull the trigger killing Terry when they were at the old Milkovich house. Because to see and hear Mickey cry the way he was right now, hurt Ian more than anything. Never did he think a person can be so cruel to another human being. Not like that, not with their own child.

 

 

Both men now stood their sitting down holding each other without saying a word. Mickey calmed down after 10 minutes of just crying. He then lifted his head off of Ian and looked at him and smiled. He put their foreheads together and closed his eyes not saying a word. Mickey let his tears fall as he kept his eyes closed and he felt Ian wipe them away. Mickey needed a friend and Ian was just being that for him. And at the moment he was thankful for that more than thankful…He was grateful to have Ian here with him. Just then Mickey felt Ian’s lips on his and he kissed him as well. When they stopped kissing and after a few seconds Mickey opens his eyes to see Ian’s eyes still closed. Mickey pulls back and Ian slowly opens his eyes and looks at Mickey. Mickey gives Ian a sad smile and shook his head “We can’t Ian….I can’t do that Colt. We’re” Mickey begins to say but then is cut off.

 

 

Ian cuts Mickey off. “I know” Ian said “…I know me and you just friends, and I know about you and Colt.” Ian said and Mickey looks at him warily. “Mandy told me, I would say congrats but your mans an asshole.” Ian says and laughs, which then made Mickey laugh as well.

 

 

“Sorry… I didn’t.” Mickey started to say

 

 

“You don’t have to, and I shouldn’t have kissed you. I came here to help you and be a friend. Not an asshole.” Ian says and pulls away from Mickey. “I should go thought; I think my stay here is over spent.” Ian says and starts to get up.

 

 

“No…no please just stay with me…forget about the kiss and just stay….I really don’t want to be alone right now….If you want you can call Mandy, tell her to get her ass over here or some shit.” Mickey says to Ian looking at him. His eyes were red and he did look miserable and drained.

 

 

Ian nodded his head yes and sat back down with Mickey; they spent some more time together just talking and Mickey was feeling better. Mandy ended up coming over after Ian text her. She stayed for a bit like she had been doing every day; the three of them sat and talking and played video games and Mickey was happy. Ian was happy as well, and he was looking at Mickey in more of a different way than before. Mandy said she had to go, and Ian decided to leave as well. Mickey took this day as a good day, one that started out to be shitty, but then turned around to be a good day. Ian and him are friends and that’s how it’s supposed to be…now to deal with other things.

 

******************

 

Collin, Iggy, and Mandy drove up to the familiar street; a street that they haven’t been to in years. They saw the house they grew up in, the house that was part of the reason their childhood was hell. Behind those walls, and behind that door where stories of pain and memories that won’t be forgotten.  They waited and waited, till the nurse left, which was most likely for a grocery run. Once she was gone the three siblings went in from behind the house. The locks had been changed, but one thing a Milkovich always knew how to do was to pick a lock. Collin went ahead to the door at the back and unlocked in a matter a seconds really. Turns out he hadn’t lost his touch after all these years.

 

 

Mandy was the first one to walk inside, then Iggy, and Collin last who closed the back door behind him. The house looked different; there were medical supplies on the table, prescriptions of medication, and an expensive blender, which look like it was to blend food for that asshole to eat. Mandy walked into her old room and saw it full with boxes of shit. And her old bed was all the way in the corner, it was never moved. How ironic she thought. Iggy and Collin went into their old rooms as well. Collins room was made to look like it was just to store shit as well just like Mandy’s, and Iggy’s room had a medical machine and supplies and more boxes.

 

 

Each sibling walked out of their rooms and looked at each other. They knew what they were looking for, and why they were here. His old room, his old favorite room….They opened the door and saw one Terry Milkovich lying down in a hospital bed hooked up to an IV fluid with an oxygen tank and mask on his face. Monitors around him they observed and saw; Collin could read the monitors and knew how Terry was in a shitty condition.

 

 

Iggy picked up a clip board that was on the side of the table in the room. “Cancer…that dumb fuck has stage 4 liver and lung cancer.” Iggy said bitter. “De deserves worse than this.” Said Iggy.

 

 

Mandy huffs and shakes her head at her father, no not her father. At Terry, a man who wasn’t even a man. He nothing more than scum, even death is too good for him. Suffering was something she thought suit him. “Yet he’s out here free to what….Live the last of his pathetic life?” Mandy says out loudly, and bitterly hoping it woke up Terry.

 

 

Collin walks up to the right side of the bed and looks down at his father. “They should have kept him in no matter what. Dying or not, he deserves to be locked up.…not here, not in this place…not with what he did.” Collin says low and venomously.

 

 

Iggy walks up to the left side of the bed. They all had gloves on, all took precaution just in case; Iggy grabbed Terry’s hand where the IV was stuck in and pressed down on it. Making his father no; Making Terry look up at him.  Iggy chuckles and steps back and Mandy kicks the bed hard.

 

 

“Wake the fuck up you piece of shit!” she shouted to him. Her eyes were diabolical. She had more than rage in them; she had more than hate in them. She had what her brothers had in her eyes. Revenge.  “You like touching little kids huh?” She says to him more than asking.

 

 

Terry looks around and sees it was his three children, minus one. His children he hadn’t seen in years.

 

 

“Nah Mands, he just like touching Mickey is all….right daddio?” Iggy says sarcastically, but deadly as he put more pressure on Terry’s hand and arms. He then took a hold of the oxygen air tube, and cut the circulation off by gripping it and holding the air pinching the tube making Terry grasp for air.

 

 

Terry screams as loud as he could which wasn’t that loud. Cancer is a horrible thing, especially when it’s in both your lungs and liver. A tear rolled down his face “please.” Was all he said in a very low whisper voice.

 

 

Mandy and Iggy chuckle lightly and shake their head at him. As if they couldn’t believe, that Terry would beg for them to stop. All three siblings knew they had about a half an hour tops before the nurse would come back.

 

 

“Stop!” was all Collin said. Iggy lighten up on putting pressure on the IV needle and let go of where he was holding on to the air tube. Collin walks up more closely to Terry. Terry looks at them all, as he is able to breathe again after Iggy loosen up his grip. His eyes were dull, face expression motionless. Collin notices all of this in Terry. Mandy and Iggy look at Collin and notice something they’ve never seen before in his eyes. Pain, guilty and suffering all in one mixed with rage. “You’re lucky we don’t take you and torcher you like you did to Mickey. Because I can assure you,  _you piece of shit._ What we can do to you, would have you begging us to kill you in within 10 minutes.  Especially since you still have your teeth and finger nails; those would go first…” Collin says then leans back. “No see…what where gonna do, is make sure that…well that this whole process is done faster.” Collin says and looks at Mandy and Iggy. Mandy takes out the syringes from her bag and hands it to Iggy, who then looks at Collin who already had his hand out to him. He gave it to his brother without thinking twice.

 

 

Collin takes it and looks at it then, at Terry. His narrows his eyes as he speaks “You see…I made a promise to mom before Mickey was born. I told her that I would protect him, Iggy and Mandy….See she knew what kind of monster you were. She stopped you once with me, but I guess I couldn’t stop you with Mickey.” The room became still all of sudden and Iggy and Mandy looked at Collin now. Not at Terry, just at Collin. “Why did you do it to him?” Collin begins to ask Terry; some part of him wanted the bastard to answer him. He wanted to know why Mickey.  

 

 

“Why him? What did Mickey ever do to you huh...was it because he had moms eyes, her attitude?” Collin asked and nothing came from Terry as Collin expected “….well guess what? You broke my brother, tak shcho teper Terrens, ya povynen zlamaty tebe zaraz. (So now Terrance, I have to break you now)” Collin says to him. Without a second thought, Collin stuck one big syringe into the IV cord and watched the bubble of air go inside. Then Mandy went ahead and took Terrys arm roughly and stuck the other air syringe in his vein where the IV needled was at. She put the IV needle back on his arm and stepped back. Iggy then walked over with his syringe to the IV and stuck it in as well. He never took his eyes off his father and Terry never took his eyes off his children. Never mind that each of the Milkovich siblings had a couple of tears come down their eyes. But it wasn’t for sorrow, no not for Terry. No fucking way! It was for there brother….it was also for them.

 

 

Collin continues on talking as Iggy checks the machine, making sure everything was going according to plan. “You see they say that when air and a large amount of it, is injected into your blood stream with a syringe; just like this one or any for that matter the compression is bad. See if air is displace enough blood in your heart, it no longer is pumping blood, but rather it’s compression air. SO since we just pushed in three syringes full of air, well you can only know what’s going to happen right Terrance?” Collin says cynically to his father.  

 

 

Collin started too smile even more cynical at Terry, as he sees his father is starting to have much harder time at breathing. “See I’m gonna school you in on something of what I know. The air which I just pushed in you will prevent the right part of your heart from pulling in blood from your vena cava. I’m smart huh Terry. Think of it as pulling something heavy with a really stretchy kind of rope.  It goes to your heart like this and then to your lungs and it should be well, like it’s about to happen to you right now; and well it’s painful.” Was all Collin said to him.

 

 

They watch on as the man they called their father years ago, the man that took away their life, their childhood, their little brothers sanity away; as he now took away their happiness and gave them pain; They watch as he dies. He was dying and it would look like a stroke, or a heart attack, who knows. The medical examiners may or may not do an autopsy. Being that they need the permission of his last living relative and of course neither sibling will give consent. But right now after watching their father grabs his chest and look at each of them. The siblings had no remorse for him. They did not feel not one ounce of regret or sadness. Not one ounce of pain for him, because he deserved this. They felt that he did, and that he shouldn’t have the right to be out in the world while their little brother suffered at the hands of his abuse for so many years being humiliated and used. No, he did deserve a more painful death, but this was as clean as it would get for them, without bringing any suspicion to them. Leave it up to them, and no one would ever find the body of Terry Milkovich.

 

 

When it was all said and done; they waited 7 minutes of him not breathing to know that it was safe to say he was gone completely. The machines kept beeping off. Mandy, Iggy and Collin walked out of his room and went out through the back door. They didn’t say a word as Collin opened the door for them to leave and just before he left he looked back into the house. He looked all around and without a word he closed the door behind him and locked it, just like he had unlocked it. They made their way to the car and just as they drove off and were at a stop light. It was Collin who broke down covering his face and banging on the car steering wheel over and over again.

 

 

He wasn’t crying because of what just happened and what they all did. He was crying because it was over, because now maybe just now…His younger siblings especially Mickey can move on and heal. Most importantly him; knowing that Terry Milkovich is no more and no longer alive in this world, maybe, just maybe they can all heal from this torment of pain.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that was ending of this chapter. I just wanted to point out that I'm not to familiar with the laws for when it comes to prisoners and them being released due to them dying and having their last days out. I do know some of it and know it varies from state to state, but I don't know which state allows it. .Plus I do not condone murder, even though I think people who hurt children should be locked up for life. Death is something i do not wish upon no one, but for this chapter I did see the Milkovich siblings giving their father a more darker death, but this was the more clean up way of doing so, and trust me I would have been a dark way, but I didn't put it. In addition let me know what you think okay. Hope you guys enjoyed the chapter. I'm writing the next one as we speak.


	29. There's Nothing like you and I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so there is slight trigger warning of past memories of abuse, nothing major. Again I have no beta so i'm sorry for any mistakes here. I hope you enjoy this chapter and ...well I'm sorry.
> 
> Please leave me comments and i love your kudos and that you guys like this story and subscribe to it. Makes me feel i'm doing something right. So here it goes only a few more chapters left then she is done. I hope you guys like this chapter and aren't made at me about it.
> 
> Also the song Nothing like you and I is the title of the this chapter and I felt like it well, went with it. So here's the link to it. It's an awesome song and great band.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9EuVr5t9Sq8

The death of Terry was something none of the 4 siblings bothered to blink an eye at. Mickey was indifferent about it; he remembered going to see Terry with Ian when Nick was out. He didn’t want to think of anything as the police came to his house and told him and his siblings.  Collin, Iggy, and Mandy weren’t affected by it and Mickey saw that. He knew he didn’t have to say a word about it. The medical examiner asked if anyone was going to pick up Terrys remains and it almost made all of them laugh. That was one thing they would not do; however Mickey had another idea.

 

 

Once he found out the state cremated Terry, he went and got his ashes, and forced his siblings to go with him. Of course there was a fight.

 

 

“Why the fuck do we have to do this? He was a shit father and with what he did to you?” Mandy said to Mickey.

 

 

“Because Mandy.” Mickey simply said to her

 

 

“That’s not an answer Mikhailo.” Mandy snaps at him.

 

 

“Mendi laska.” Mickey said to her “Ya povynen zrobyty tse, ya povynen znaty, shcho VIN naspravdi ne bulo. (Mandy please. I have to do this I have to know he’s really gone.)

 

 

“Ya ne otrymaty yoho Mik” (I don’t get it Mick) Iggy now says to him. It was kind of new to them, but Mickey speaking their native tongue. It was weird yet not. Nick did it, which meant Mickey knew all along how to speak Ukrainian. That fucker.

 

 

“Hey, davayte hovoryty po-anhliys’ky. (Hey let’s speak English) I think these people are getting offended and think we’re talking about them in Ukrainian.” Collin says to them out loud so much that people look over at him. He gives them the finger for good measure.

 

 

“Trakhny yikh” (Fuck them) was all Mickey said and went to get the ashes of Terry. Once he came back, he had bag that had a box in it. He handed it over to Collin who took it without question and they left.

 

 

Collin still didn’t get why Mickey wanted to pick up Terry ashes. He didn’t get a chance ask him, because Mickey stops the car in front a house that Collin, Iggy and Mandy thought that he would never want to come back to again. “What the fuck are we doing here Mickey?” Collin asked him.

 

 

Mickey looks over at his brother grabs the box of ashes and gets out of the car. All three siblings followed after him. Mickey stood in front of his old family house door and looks at it before he walks up those steps. Without a second thought he just simply kicks in the front door. He walks in and no one was here. As no one should be; why would they be? Mickey looked around in the sala first and walks more into the house. He looks back at his old bedroom door, but didn’t go into it. Instead he went upstairs to that room. That fucking room! Iggy goes to try and stop him, but Collin motions for him not to. They simply followed Mickey up stairs and wait to see what he was going to do.

 

When Mickey gets up stairs, he stops in front of the door. He closes his eyes and as if it was just like yesterday he hears and remembers it. “ _Please stop” he’s begging them. The other man came up to him, and brushed his fingers across his chest and tells him “Don’t worry Nick? Either way, do remember are game. We’re gonna make you feel good and you’re gonna make us feel good okay.”_ Mickey opens his eyes and looks at the door even angrier; he goes and opens it slowly. He steps in and stops, he’s breathing faster and harder. He’s looking around and the wall paper is the same, that didn’t change. He instantly remembers where the bed was at, where the toys were, where the camera was at, where everything was and he didn’t realize that he was shaking until Collin came from behind and held him close. He flinches at Collins touch but then relaxes as he knows it was his brother in there with him and no one else.

 

 

Mandy and Iggy were outside the door looking in and they couldn’t really stomach it. But they did it for Mickey. Mickey took the box and threw it across the room and said nothing at first. His hand balled up into a fist and he yells. He just yells as loudly as he could and then put his hand up to his face and screamed more as if he was screaming at Terry “I HATE YOU! I FUCKING HATE YOU. I WISH I WAS DEAD, I WISH I NEVER WAS BORN SO I DIDN’T HAVE TO LIVE WITH THE MEMORIES OF WHAT YOU  FUCKING DID TO ME!...” Mickey screams out and his breathing hard “... I WAS A FUCKING KID, A CHILD! (tears start to come out as he yells out) …. I WAS YOUR CHILD! .....WHY COULDN’T YOU JUST BE A FUCKING FATHER! ….. I HATE YOU, I FUCKING HATE YOU!” Mickey says and tries not to cry anymore but couldn’t. “Why couldn’t you just be a dad….why couldn’t you just leave me alone….why didn’t you just give me up if you hated me so much….” And for a long moment there was silence in the room and all you heard was Mickeys sniffling, trying to stop himself from crying and get his breathing under control. “Why couldn’t you have died and not mom?” Mickey says last lowly and sadly as Collin held him tighter.

 

 

“it’s okay Mickey…It’s okay I got you. Terry can’t hurt you anymore.” Collin says to him as Mickey tries to steady his breathing.

 

 

Once Mickey breathing was alright he wipes his face and turned to look at his brothers and sister. He didn’t have to say anything as they looked at him. But all he did say was. “He loved this room so much…might as well let him rout in it right.” He then turns around and unzipped his pants and pissed on the box of ashes. When he was done he turned around and left the room, and god did he want that room to burst up into flames.

 

 

They all left the house and Iggy was the one who drove them back in silence. Nothing needed more to be said. Now if that house just so happened to burst up in flames with it being that room first….well it was no ones fault that supposable there was old faulty wiring that hadn’t been check out in years.

 

***********

 

Three weeks had passed since the fire at the old Milkovich house happened. Of course that was an investigation; however the fire department ruled out arsine and said it was bad wiring, which the siblings knew because it was an old house that no one really lived in anymore.  Nothing needed more to be said, so it was time to fully move on and that was exactly what Mickey was doing. He was moving on, preparing for his wedding, which he and Colt didn’t set a date for yet. He was still being friends with Ian, which seemed to be okay, but wasn’t.

 

 

See even though Mickey was trying to be friends with Ian, it was hard. Ian would go out on dates and he would tell Mickey about them, and Mickey would try his hardest not get jealous. It wasn’t that it was getting hard not to get jealous. It was just that his feelings for Ian were becoming more than just friendship; and that wasn’t good. He had feelings for both Colt and Ian and that made shit complicated, but Mickey was with Colt end of story.

 

 

Mickey and Ian hung out with each other, by each other it was always with Mandy and Debbie together or just Mandy. It was okay….at least he guess it was okay. Mickey was with Colt, and he was going to marry him. Mickey made a choice, a wise choice, because Ian was moving on, and doing what Mickey told him to do, which was live his life. Do other things, and move on from being with Nick.

 

 

So with that being said, it shouldn’t have bugged Mickey that Ian was doing what he told him to do. However it kind of did in a way. So Mickey threw himself in his work, and in his routine. He and Colt were making good on their relationship; they still hadn’t had sex. And Mickey didn’t tell Colt about the kiss that he and Ian had. But Mickey noticed Colt was being different. Mickey did try to let Colt in more and tell him why things were a bit uncomfortable for him. Colt was being somewhat positive and supportive, but always did try to push a little.  They got up to as far as groping one another, which was a step up from just making out. I mean they still got into fights especially when Colt wanted to take things further, but he would back off.  But Mickey himself was different as well. He wasn’t taking no one’s shit, not anymore, which was something he ended up learning to embrace and it didn’t go unnoticed either.

 

_____

 

Whenever Ian would hang out with Mandy and Mickey, he sometimes would bring Debbie along. She was taking a break from school, so now she just worked and focused on her a bit more. And Ian was okay with that; just as long as she was doing something and not staying home. Debbie loved to hang out with Ian and the other two Milkovich siblings whenever she could. Plus it was more for Ian anyways. Seeing as for some reason being around Mickey send a chill of spark inside of him that was both amazing and yet scary, and Debbie saw this.

 

 

Ian started to see things and feel things that amazed him every time he was with Mickey. He was so amazed by Mickey that he didn’t notice things about him before that he saw now. Ian had noticed a lot of things; like how Mickey would hum to himself and sing when no one would be looking. Or how he was more dominate with his right hand but used a fork or spoon with his left. How when he was nervous he would chew his bottom lip or thumb when he was thinking about something.  How whenever he was upset or mad he would cover it up by going to punching bag and just hitting it. There was this one time Mandy and Ian went to Mickey’s house and they heard him blasting Music and singing. Ian couldn’t help but be hypnotized by it. Mickey would draw a few things and showed his siblings and Ian. It was weird but it was as if he was discovering so much about himself that Ian couldn’t help but be happy to see Mickey smile when he finish drawing something. To Ian, Mickey seemed like he was free in a way and that comfort Ian. He noticed a lot of things that attacked him to Mickey more and that was beginning to be a huge problem for him.

 

_________

 

One night Mandy told Mickey that she invited Ian and Debbie over because she wanted to hang out and chill. She asked Mickey if it was okay; and at first it wasn’t. Mickey wanted to know why they couldn’t got to Mandy’s house and chill there, but then he remembered that they were fumigating the building and that she was staying at Collin’s crib. Collin told Mandy and I quote. “No fucking parties at my house Mands when I’m not here!” and since Collin was back in New York for a week. No parties in Collin’s language meant no guest, no guys, and no fucking in his apartment. He was mood killer, plus last time Mandy had a party or had anyone come over to Collin’s place….. Well let’s just say his bed ended up down stairs being used as a slide to go down from the top floor to the bottom. To this day Mandy still doesn’t remember how that happened. All she knew was she and her friends along with Mickey were having a good time, and being high and drunk made it even more better.

 

 

So Mandy told Mickey that she invited them over and at first Mickey was reluctant. Then Mandy mentioned that Iggy was coming over later so they all could watch a movie, smoke and drink. Of course he did cave in.  Ian and Debbie had arrived when Mickey was in his back room playing on the piano looking out the window. For some reason this relaxed him a lot when he was nervous or anxious. Mickey didn’t know why he was so nervous, because this was Ian and Debbie coming over to hang out. Not like they’ve haven’t before in the past few weeks.

 

 

Mickey didn’t hear when his sister and his friends came in his house because he was in the back room. And as Debbie and Mandy went into the kitchen to get a few things ready for the movie, Ian stepped back and heard music being played.  He went ahead and decided to follow where the sound was coming from. In Mickey’s back rooms he hears the piano being played louder as he approaches the room and he stops in place once he found Mickey playing.

 

 

There Ian saw Mickey playing the Piano humming something to himself and Ian just stood there looking at him and smiling. And yeah, Ian was still amazed at how Mickey was playing with his eyes closed, and humming a song. Ian sees Mickey look down at the key board, then back outside and then finally he closes his eyes. Mickey was playing a song from the Perishers “Nothing like you and I” and it was beautiful to see this man play and hum to the song. This man who drove Ian wild, yet he couldn’t have him and he missed him so much. It wasn’t even Nick he missed, he missed Mickey. They text, they talked, they hung out with their sisters, a few times they hung out a lone at a local diner near Ian’s job.  Mickey said that he went to the diner because he loved the pie there.  It was the little things, but Ian was falling for Mickey and he didn’t know why he was falling so much more harder than before.

 

 

Ian must have been in a dazed or something because then the music stopped and he looked at Mickey who was looking back at him with his beautiful blue eyes. Ian smiled at him and Mickey smiled back at him.

 

 

“What are you doing here? Spying on me Red?” Mickey said to Ian and gets up from his seat.

 

Ian laughs lightly. “No….just listening to you play…it was ah… it was beautiful. Beautiful to see you play…like you were in your own world and nothing else matter….and it was my favorite song as well.” Ian tells Mickey and Mickey can’t help but see Ian blushing.

 

 

Mickey ends up blushing as well and smiles much brighter than he did before. “Well I like the Perisher, there pretty good…..and at least some one appreciates me playing them” Mickey said teasingly.

 

 

Ian gave him a weird look “Why would no one want to listen to you play?” Ian asked him

 

 

Mickey just shrugs. “Colt says it’s too loud for him.” Mickey says making air quotes “Saying I never use to play, why do it now or some shit, and that he didn’t know I could play. But then I tell him to go fuck himself and walk off. (Mickey laughs) He doesn’t like it to fucking bad for him.” Mickey said and walks out the room with Ian following him into the sala. And with that Ian just smiles harder at Mickey. The attitude Mickey has now is something Ian also was growing to love even more.

 

 

Mandy and Debbie came back out from the kitchen and both of them looked like they were up to no good. “Hey guys we forgot to get some soda and the sandwiches.” Debbie says as she makes her way to the door with Mandy not too far behind her.

 

 

“Yeah so were gonna go get some okay, be right back in a few!” Mandy yells out and they close the door quickly leaving Ian and Mickey in the house…..alone….by themselves…..yup!

 

 

Ian and Mickey looked at each other and just shrugged their shoulders and go sit down on the sofa. Mickey put something on TV and goes into the kitchen and brings out some water bottles for him and Ian.  After about 10 minutes there sisters still didn’t come back. Ian figured they did this on purpose, mean while Mickey was texting Mandy.

 

 

“Mandy said that there’s some kind of problem at the checkout line. Something about the registers not working or some shit and apparently none of them are working right.  My sister’s full of shit.” Mickey said

 

 

Ian was looking at his phone. “Maybe or maybe not look.” Ian says looking at his phone that had an alert “seems like parts of a Chicago down town are having malfunction or some shit. Some places are saying black outs and stuff. Turn on the new really quick.” Ian says and Mickey did so.

 

 

“So it turns out there’s been a power outage due to work that was being done. So Mands is telling the truth.” Ian tells to Mickey who nods his head in agreement as they watched the news.

 

 

“Well I’m watching a movie without them. No one told them to go and forget shit. SO that’s their fault.” Mickey says and he plays the movie. They were watching the new Hunger games Movie.

 

 

During the movie, somehow Mickey and Ian move closer together and now were sitting close to each other. Mickey didn’t mind the contact with Ian, they were friends. So they stood like that for a while and Mickey was getting sleeping. He tried to keep his eyes open. When he realized he couldn’t keep them open he decides that he gonna go into the kitchen to make some coffee and splash some water on his face. However as soon as he gets up from the sofa to do just that, he felt dizzy and sat back down. Ian looked at him and asked if he was okay. When Mickey didn’t say anything he turned to Ian and made a face at him and held his head as if he was in pain.

 

 

“Mickey?...Mickey!” Mickey didn’t say anything and that seems to worry Ian and the way Mickey was making his face and holding his head….Could it be?

 

 

Mickey grunted. “Fuck I have a headache man, and I’m light headed” He says

 

 

“Nick?...Nick is it you…fuck man this can’t happen again! Mickey! Mickey fuck are you okay? Mickey is it you?” Ian asked frantically and Mickey looks up at Ian with a frown on his face.

 

 

“No it’s me Ian…Mickey….I just have a bad headache that’s all…..why did you call me Nick?” Mickey asked him. He thought Ian was moving past Nick and everything.

 

 

Ian felt guilt and gave Mickey an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry I didn’t know… it’s just you made that face and you said you had a headache and it reminded me of when Nick. Well-you when you would come out and stuff.” Ian said stuttering

 

 

“No-no-no its okay….It’s just a headache okay….and I get it” Mickey said rubbing his head “It’s just I haven’t been eaten so much. I’m fine trust me.”

 

 

Ian gets up from the sofa and goes to grab the house phone. “Okay well…I’m gonna call Mandy or something so she can hurry up and come back. Her and Debbie should just leave the shit there and come back.” Ian says as he starts to dial her number.

 

 

“Nah man, come on. She should be back soon.” Mickey says and sighs. “Look I’m fine okay.” Mickey says looking at Ian “just stay with me man okay.”

 

 

“Yeah okay? Sure.” Ian says putting the phone down and sitting next to Mickey “want some more waters?” he asked Mickey

 

 

Mickey shakes his head now and looks at Ian “So…you thought I was Nick when I made a face.” Mickey asked Ian

 

 

“Look, No I’m-I’m sorry I shouldn’t have…I wish I can take that back right now.” Ian says and is now feeling awkward being next to Mickey now.

 

 

“Nah Ian.  If anything fucking therapy has taught me, is to just let it out and not keep it bottle up and shit man.” Mickey says looking at Ian “So Speak…what’s on your mind?”

 

 

“No man it’s okay…” Ian said looking down at his hands playing with them. He’s acting weird and moves away from Mickey slightly as if Mickey didn’t notice him doing it.

 

 

“I’m sorry Ian. You though that Nick was back for a moment and- and” Mickey started to say but Ian cut him off

 

 

“No Mick…don’t be sorry okay. That’s not what that was about, not for me anyway.” Ian says looking at him

 

 

Mickey was confused and didn’t understand why Ian was acting weird. So if it wasn’t about Nick then what?. “Well if you ain’t upset that Nick’s not coming out then what? I know how much you love him I know that…So I don’t get it? What’s going on here?” Mickey asked Ian curiously.

 

 

“Mick…you know I’ve accepted that Nick is gone. And I’ve worked really fucking hard to except that Nick is gone. That Nick is not coming back. And it’s gotten easier as time goes on…but there things I can’t even remember he use to do but in a way I do.” Ian Tells Mickey.

 

 

“Is that good thing or bad thing Ian?” Mickey asked Ian

 

 

“It was easier with him…It was me and Nick against the world you know?” Ian says to Mickey. Mickey eyes light up at the saying. “But I’ve come to except it; I’ve excepted that my feelings for Nick have gone, but not for you…It’s like in a way I don’t know how to describe it. But my feelings for you stayed and my feelings for him stayed but left as well…and I don’t know what to do with them.” Ian confesses to Mickey.

 

 

Mickey looks down at his hands and doesn’t saying anything. So Ian continues speaking. “I know I shouldn’t have these feelings I get that…I respect you’re with Colt and you guys are together I get that….but I can’t help how I feel. It’s like it’s there all the time. Do you get that?” Ian asked Mickey.

 

 

“Yeah….yeah I get that” Mickey says with a frown in his face and Ian smiles at him.

 

 

“I love Nick…but I don’t want him back. I don’t want him back because then that would hurt you, hurt your family, but most of all Mick…You would be gone, and I don’t want that. I want you, I miss you.” Ian tells Mickey.

 

 

Mickey looks at Ian nods his head. Then he speaks. “I miss you too Ian.” Mickey says to him. Ian then leans in and kisses Mickey, who kisses him back. They stop and look at each other and then kiss again. The kissing starts getting heated up fast. Mickey pins Ian down on the sofa and is kissing him more eagerly. Ian grinds up on Mickey and Mickey grinds down on to Ian. They start to dry hump one another. Both men are moaning and the kissing became more erotic. There moaning into each other’s kisses and but then Mickey sits up fast and looks at Ian. They both looked at each other intensively but pulled apart from each other. “Shit… I can’t”

 

 

“I’m sorry….I didn’t mean to” Ian said

 

 

“No it’s um…um we can’t.” was all Mickey said 

 

 

Ian looks at him and he could see the regret in Mickey eyes. That was all he needed to get his answer. “Look I-ah Ima go okay.” Ian says and grabs his jacket “Just tell Mandy and Debbie something came up with work okay….I have to go.” Was all Ian said and he left.

 

 

“Okay” Mickey said. Next thing he knew was that Ian left his apartment and he was alone by himself thinking of what just happened. SO then Mickey decides to get up and go after Ian. Only to find him at the door standing there looking at Mickey with gunshot wound through his heart. Mickey rushes over to Ian and tries to get him, but he falls before he can get to him. Ian was on the floor and there is a puddle of blood around him. “who did this….Ian look at me! Who did this?” Mickey asked him as he was crying holding Ian.

 

 

“You did.” Ian said weakly and then closed his eyes

 

 

“No….no I couldn’t have.” Mickey says in a low voice. Ian’s not waking up as he shakes him. “WAKE UP! IAN WAKE UP!” Mickey shouts out at him. When Mickey looks at his hands he sees the gun in his hand. He drops it, looking at Ian again. “Wake up! IAN…..IAN”

 

 

“IAN!” Mickey jolt up and was met with someone holding.

 

 

“Hey-hey Mickey it’s okay! What happen are you okay?” Ian asked him.

 

 

Mickey looks around the room; Ian was still there they were on the sofa. The movie was playing and Mandy and Debbie had just walked in the room with plates of food.

 

 

“Mickey are you okay?” Mandy asked walking over to him and sitting on the other side of him as Debbie walks over and pauses the movie.

 

 

All eyes were on him and Mickey was flushed and pale as if someone died. He was still in shock and thank god it was just a dream he realizes. “Yeah…yeah no I had a bad dream.” He said and clears his throat and gets up and goes straight into the bathroom quickly.

 

 

No one said nothing when he left, but Mandy ended up asking Ian what happened. Ian told her that once the movie started he just fell asleep and he was just sleeping and then a few minutes after she and Debbie got back he jolted up frighten calling his name out loud. Mandy then goes to the bathroom and opens to the door to find her brother washing his face and looking down at the sink.

 

 

“You wanna talk about it?” Mandy asked. “You kind of freaked us out?”

 

 

“It was just a bad dream.” Mickey said not looking at her but still looking at the sink watching the water go down it. “A really bad dream Mands.”

 

 

Mandy frowns and looks worried as she’s looking at her brother. “So what happened to Ian in the dream?” Mandy asked and Mickey turns and looks at her. “You shouted his name Mickey, and you look pale as fuck from the dream you just had. You said it was bad….so…What happened?” she asked him.

 

 

He looked at her and sighs “He died.” was all he said and then sat down on the toilet seat.

 

 

“Shit…..how?” Mandy asked

 

 

“I killed him. I went to go after him and when I saw him he looked at me and smiled and then I saw the bullet wound……I went to him and asked him who did it and he said me….Then I found the gun in my hand…I tried to wake him, I tried but he didn’t get up….the bullet went straight to his heart.” Mickey said moving his hand over his face and looking at the floor.

 

 

“Shit Mick…but it was just dream…Ian’s fine; we’re all fine okay…Come on. Come back to the sala and lets drink and fucking get wasted. Forget about that fucked up dream man. We know you won’t hurt Ian like that, and he knows that to okay….plus as much as I hate it… you guys are friends…soooo let’s all hang out like friends do okay?” Mandy said to her brother trying to cheer him up. He agreed with her.

 

 

Mickey washes his face again and freshens up before he returns to the sala. He was met with both red heads who asked him if he was okay. He told them yeah and with that no one pushed more. Iggy came in about 10 minutes later and everyone was now laughing and drinking.

 

 

Mandy of course was the bartender who though she could mix drinks well. Sadly Ian had to tell her no, and Iggy agreed with her.

 

 

“Fuuuuuck you. geeeyz okay….imafine mixer upper.” Mandy says slurring her words.

 

 

Ian started laughing harder and so did Mickey who where both on the sofa leaning on each other. Debbie was on the lazy boy sofa rocking back and forth drinking her ‘fruity drink’ as she called it with a straw and laughing at Mandy as well. Iggy was sitting on the ottoman and his eyes were so puffy and red that you didn’t know if he was up or not. But he was laughing as well at Mandy. Iggy took a swig of patron he was drinking and passed it to Debbie who took a sip and made a face of horror as she swallowed it down and nearly barf it up.

 

 

She then passed it to Ian who took 3 shots of patron “Yeah okay sure Mands. You can’t even make a good long island ice tea… you use toooooo much tequila or not enough.” Ian tells her and his words were becoming slurred as well

 

 

Mickey turns and hits Ian on the shoulders and took the patron bottle from his hands. “Don’t makefun of ma sista…okay…she kick your ass, and soooo will I Red.” Mickey says and laughs while guzzling down a good amount of tequila.

 

 

“That right mofos” Mandy said and starts playing music and dancing to it as she lights up her cigarette. She then starts mixing more drinking and handing it off to Iggy to drink, who willing accepts it.

 

 

Ian starts laughing again and then leans in over to Mickey and grabs the bottle of patron from him. But not before whispering to into Mickey ear “I’d love to see you try and kick my ass.” Ian says flirting with Mickey and licking his lips. Mickey looks at him and smiles.

 

 

Debbie then got up and went into the game room, and challenge Mandy in some Mortal Combat. Mandy accepted the challenge and Iggy went along with them. The music was still playing; Ian and Mickey didn’t realize they were alone now listening to music.

 

 

“Oh yeah…bite me!” Mickey said and leans in to grab the bottle from Ian’s hand but then Ian leaned in and bit his shoulder. Mickey moans a little at the bite. Ian got up, and playfully pushed Mickey away.

 

 

Mickey laughs, he looks at Ian and smiles at him. He goes to get the bottle again from Ian, but this time he stood up and went over to Ian and tries to snatch it out of his hand. “Noooope mine! Go get your sisters weird fucking bad creations of drinks, that she know how to make but can’t.” Ian says to him and takes another sip from the bottle. Mickey then grabs the bottle from Ian and tries to run, but Ian was faster and came from behind him and pulls him down to the sofa.

 

 

So now Mickey was sitting on top of Ian’s lap and he shimmed off of him. He falls to the right side of Ian looking at him and his lips. “You think your fucking clever don’t yah.” Mickey says breathing in and out fast.

 

 

Ian didn’t answer him because he leans in and kissed Mickey, and Mickey leans in even more if possible and kissed him back. Call it what you want, and say it was the alcohol or whatever. But Mickey was in an eternal bliss as he was kissing Ian, and Ian was kissing him back. Mickey pushed his tongue into Ian’s mouth and they both moaned at the feeling. Especially when Mickey runs his hand threw Ian’s hair and pulls it slightly. That drove Ian crazy and somehow Mickey was straddling Ian, making out with him.

 

 

Once Mickey becomes hard and he feels Ian is hard, he then stops and looks at Ian….they were both drunk and not capable of fully knowing what their action will or would lead to. So Mickey gets up and sits next to Ian and Ian didn’t say anything. Mickey just leans his head on Ian’s shoulders as he spoke. “We can’t do this….We’re drunk and this isn’t right….”

 

 

“Why is it not right?” Ian asked

 

 

“Because I’m with someone else Ian, and were friends remember? We’re drunk we don’t know what the fuck we’re doing right now.” Mickey said with his eyes closed and is getting sleepy.

 

 

Ian chuckled “You’re drunk, I’m fine.” Ian said and then looks over at Mickey who still had his head on his shoulders “I miss you.” Ian said to Mickey.

 

 

Mickey just cuddled up next to Ian with his eyes closed and mumbled “miss you” Ian looks over at him again and sees Mickey was sleeping now. He just sighs. Ian stays there cuddling and holding on to Mickey thinking of how things started and of how they were now. And yeah….maybe life did just fuck him over a bit more than he hoped for. Ian gets up and gets a blanket for Mickey and covered him up and left him to sleep on the sofa in the sala alone.

 

 

The rest of the night he spent with his sister, Iggy, and Mandy playing video games and drinking till the sun came back up. Ian wouldn’t mention the kiss to Mickey if Mickey didn’t mention it to him. Mickey might have been drunk, but Ian wasn’t and really did miss him.

 

*******

 

To say that it seemed like faith was interfering with Mickey’s life because ever since that night with Ian, Mickey had been avoiding him. He remembered what happened and he wished he didn’t. But not to mention it pissed him off even more; it was like what the fuck was going on. They were drunk that was it, plus did Ian say he really missed him?  NO! no fucking way, Ian was moving on, having potential dates and shit and doing whatever he wanted….plus the feelings inside of Mickey had to leave, and soon. Him and Colt had set a date for the wedding and it was happening sooner than anything. So Mickey had to try and avoid Ian or at least keep his distance from him a bit.

 

 

Ian was avoiding Mickey as well, but he was still trying to be friends with him. But Mickey seemed to be annoyed with Ian whenever he would text him to see how things were going. Either way that night had happened. They kissed and cuddled, and Ian leaving Mickey on the sofa, and telling him he missed him and Mickey telling him the same thing as well. Ian and Mickey thought that; that was the last time something like that would happen with them. And well both men were and are so very much mistakenly wrong.

 

 

Mickey was at the local gym this morning working out. As part of his routine, exercise was something he did. Sometimes he would work out by himself or with one of his siblings in the morning or with Colt; the gym in his building for some reason was being renovation. Mickey needed to stick to his routine so he went to one of the local gyms he signed up with.

 

 

This morning Colt was working out with him. Colt had to go to work after words and Mickey was pushing him hard. Apparently Colt needs to run more and Mickey found it hilariously funny that he was out doing Colt in everything. Colt glared at him and told him he was going to be in the steam room. Well that end up giving Mickey an idea, plus Colt would forgive him for making fun of him. This morning Mickey was feeling a bit frisky and felt that maybe they can do other things in that steam room alone.

 

 

They gym was pretty big so it had a few different floors, and a couple of different steam rooms as well as a few different locker room, and much more.  Mickey was walking into the steam room; he thought Colt was inside this one since they were on this floor and it was closer to them at the moment. So when Mickey enters the room, he smirks at the man sitting down on the benches with a towel over his head. “So it’s pretty hot in here huh” he says as he slowly unwraps himself from the towel that was covering him. He then makes sure he locks the door and turns back around.

 

 

“Yeah?” Mickey heard

 

 

“Uh Yeah dumbass, come over here so I can make you more hot and sweaty.” Mickey says as he has dropped the towel on the floor and is naked. After a few seconds of nothing Mickey continues on speaking in a playful flirt voice. “What? I’m not hot enough for you or something?” He said jokingly.

 

 

“huh…..No! No-no you’re ah…you’re hot.” The guy says trying hard to resist himself from looking at Mickey’s naked body and wanted to devour it.

 

 

Mickey however notice and has a confused face “Colt?”

 

 

“No-no it’s not Colt” the man says removing the towel from his head and letting the second towel that was wrapped around his waist fall. Mickey looks at the guy as he walked up to him. The guy had a smile on his face and Mickey saw it was Ian.

 

 

Mickey’s eyes almost felt like they came out, he quickly picked up the towel instantly and closed his eyes “Oh My God Ian what the fuck are you doing here?”

 

 

“I’m just doing what everyone else does after a workout Mickey? And huh…apparently you do more after a workout.” Ian said playfully.

 

 

“I thought you were Colt.” Mickey says still not looking at Ian because the asshole still hadn’t picked up his towel from the floor and covered himself with it.

 

 

“Well you didn’t ask who I was so.” Ian said pointing out

 

 

“Okay fine. But…God will you put some fucking clothes on. I mean the fucking towel-wrap the fucking towel around you please!” Mickey said still not looking at Ian. And of course his cheeks were red but we can blame that on the steam room.

 

 

“Oh come on Mick.” Ian says flirting and jokingly. “it’s not like you haven’t seen it before? I mean maybe that’s the problem right. You should just look at what I’m packing and then just maybe, you will like what you see. Or you may want just a little too much huh?” Ian says smiling and laughing at how embarrassed Mickey was looking.

 

 

Mickey turned his head and looks at Ian and then turns his whole body crossing his arms against his chest. He looks Ian up and down and said. “What? I am just supposed to get down on my hands and knee and worship you or some shit.”

 

 

“Nah” Ian laughed “Take is easy shorty I was just fucking with yah.” Ian said to Mickey and Mickey didn’t like the nick name Ian gave him…Who the fuck calls someone shorty?

 

 

“Well Fuck you for call me shorty you fucking graffiti. Plus I didn’t come in here to play you asshole.” Mickey spats at Ian turning away from him.

 

 

Ian was still laughing at him and decided to be asshole now for some reason. Maybe it was to get a rise out of Mickey, who knows. “Oh well I’m not the one who came in looking to get laid now did I?”

 

 

“Fuck you Ian. I was looking for Colt asshole, not some fucking random guy.” Mickey says to him.

 

 

“Oh yeah because there are like 2 other guys in the other steam room across the hall from us; so if they came in here it will be one hell of a party. Am I right huh, huh, huh?” Ian said again making fun of Mickey and found it to funny.

 

 

“You know I Hate you, I fucking hate you!” Mickey shouts out at Ian. He was upset at Ian now. One for being a dick right now, and two well….two was just because. Because saying what the real reason was, was out of the question.

 

 

Ian smiles at him. “Oh hey well at least you hate me! Right?” Ian said sarcastically to Mickey “But I know that’s not true. You may not like me, but you don’t hate me.” Ian said to Mickey with a smirk on his face.

 

 

And god did Mickey wanted to wipe that fucking smirk off Ian’s face. “Fuck you man I’m outta here.” Mickey then said and goes to leave but Ian stops him.

 

 

“Hey –hey wait up, come on….Mickey?” Ian said

 

 

“I want to go Ian, so get the fuck out of my way and move!” Mickey said to Ian and refuses to look at him. He still has his arms crossed around his chest “What’d you want man!?” Mickey asked Ian when didn’t move.

 

 

“Well I want what I can’t have but that’s beside the point, so I rather want you to not hate me. So you’re gonna stay in here with me for as long as it takes for you not to hate me. Then you’re going to tell me what the fuck is wrong.” Ian says to Mickey.

 

 

“Okay! Fine I don’t hate, (Mickey said sarcastically) now can you please fucking move so I can get the fuck out of here!” Mickey said.

 

 

Ian chuckles. “Yeah Noooo. Now try saying it like you mean it Mick.” Ian says playfully to Mickey.

 

 

“OMG what the fuck! You’re driving me fucking crazy here Ian.” Mickey snaps out at Ian for no reason.

 

 

“Yeah I can see that, with the yelling and throwing fits and shit like that. Apparently I drive you bat shit crazy huh?” Ian said sarcastically to Mickey, but then there was a hint of seriousness in his voice.

 

 

“You keep fucking interrupting my life!” Mickey says all of a sudden and well…that was new

 

 

Ian is shocked but recovers really quickly. “Oh um okay… really?… what the fuck do you mean?” Ian asked. Mickey didn’t say anything. He just tries to keep moving around Ian and get out of his way. But Ian blocks him and continues talking. “Yeah really mature Mickey, how long are you gonna hate me for than huh? What the fuck did I do you now that it’s my fault that I’m ruining your life?” Ian now spats out.

 

 

“Well I’m in here with you, so as long as it takes and as long as you keep me in here you fucker.” Mickey said walking away from Ian.

 

 

Ian stays looking at Mickey for a few second, then say fuck it to himself… “Fine! Fuck it, go.” Ian says and walks around Mickey. “You know I though me and you were trying to be good friends and try the whole friendship thing, which by the way I thought was going okay. But since you can’t fucking stand me apparently for some reason, which I have no fucking clue as to why the whole 360 of your fucking attitude is towards me lately! There’s the door Mick. (Ian points at the door too Mickey as he speaks to him)  Fucking Go. See if I care anymore!”

 

 

Mickey grabs his hair pulling it, and throws his hands in the air. “What the fuck do you want Ian? What do you want me say here?”

 

 

“I want you to tell me what the fuck I did to piss you the fuck off Mickey! We were getting along just fine me and you. Hanging out when you came to my house with Mandy chilling, me not being around you when Colt is with you, you know giving you the respect you asked and wanted. Me, moving on like you said and told me to do…..fuck you’re more complicated than a fucking girl on her period!” Ian says and turns his head away from Mickey.

 

 

Mickey gives Ian a disturbing look at his last statement. “I ain’t complicated than a girl on her menstrual cycle! That’s fucking grouse man what the fuck?” Mickey says to Ian, but Ian seemed not to pay attention to him and was just sitting on the benches waiting for Mickey to leave.  Mickey looks down and then back at Ian. “Look Ian I don’t hate you okay.” Mickey says softly. “Why are we even in here fighting about this? I know the only reason you stand to be around me is to make sure I won’t break or to see if I do break or some shit okay…or….fuck look I don’t know okay.”

 

 

Ian looks at Mickey hurt at what he said. “That not true Mick.” Ian says looking at him. “Why would you think that?”

 

 

“Really? Because when I mentioned to you about us just being friends after everything you wouldn’t fucking call me or text me in the beginning. It had to be me to reach out to you, and you even just up and left and disappeared on your sister for a week without a word. You didn’t even call Debbie or Mandy or even answer my text messages to let me know you were okay. Shit Ian you had me and your sister and Mandy worried. Then you couldn’t even look at me when you got back from where ever the fuck you fucked off to. Then you come back and act like shit is okay and then you try to be friends with me, which we’ve tried and yes it’s going okay. But then you fuck!.... you fucked Jeff Ian! JEFF of all people! Then what happened between us at my apartment, us…you-you can’t tell me-”

 

 

Ian cuts Mickey off before he can finish. “You still don’t get it do you….I’m not out to hurt you, and be your enemy Mick…I’m doing what I have to do, what you told me I should do. So Why? Why Mickey, why am I your fucking enemy now huh? Why would you think that I would want you to hurt? What did I do for you to hate me! Was it that kiss?” Ian asked sounded almost defeated.

 

 

“Okay…okay you wanna know why Ian!? Why I have to hate right now….why I have to just….fuck! I hated when you do that!” Mickey said sitting down.

 

 

Ian turns to look at Mickey more as he speaks to him. “Yeah why? What did I do or say for you to hate me all of a sudden. Given all the bullshit crap of an excuse you gave me just a few seconds ago, which I think is bullshit…But if it’s about the kiss then I’m sorry okay…but that can’t be all Mick...So Mickey why? Why do you have to hate me if all I’m doing is what you told me to do?” Ian asked him.

 

 

“Because……If I don’t hate you…then what I feel can fuck up everything okay.” Mickey said to Ian. And there it was….it was out.

 

 

Ian looks at Mickey curiously and narrows his eyes at him. “Yeah Mick…well what the fuck do you feel then?” Ian asked him.

 

 

Mickey looks at Ian and then looks away from him trying to figure out what to say without saying it. “Ian, I’m afraid that-that if I’m friends with you or even get close to you that….fuck…that Nick’s feelings inside of me will come up again and …and I can’t have that Ian. That wouldn’t be right for you or me or Colt….I’m engaged to Colt. Plus that would mean that the kiss we shared that night…” Mickey says and trails off not saying anything more.

 

 

Ian sits up more from where he was at. He then stands up from where he was sitting. He steps down sits back down trying to processes his thoughts of what to say back to Mickey. “So what, you’ve been feeling Nick come back since the integration?” Ian asked because he was slightly confused.

 

 

“No Ian- it’s just-I” Mickey sighs “I’m not worried about Nick coming out okay! You Ian, you still see Nick and you’re still looking for him inside of me! And if were close and if we become fucking BFF’s and some shit then….Look I don’t wanna hurt you okay.” Mickey says to Ian with a straight face.

 

 

“Okay…okay so what you’re saying is that you hating me is for my own fucking good in order to what? Protect me.” Ian says more than asked Mickey with a straight face.

 

 

“If you look at it like that then yeah.” Mickey said

 

 

“Yeah well Mickey you can stop worrying about that…I know Nick’s gone.  I’ve said goodbye to him, and with that I made my peace with it Mickey…..” Ian says and looks but then looks back at Mickey. “But when I see you,…when I look at you…I see you, I see Mickey, not Nick, not anyone else but Mickey. I’ve accepted that my feelings for Nick have gone, but not for you…It’s like in a way I don’t know how to describe it. But my feeling for you stayed and my feelings for him left…and I don’t know what to do with them.” Ian says confessing to Mickey. Mickey is now dumb struck as those were the exact same words. Because those were the exact same words Ian said to him in his dream.

 

 

“When me, and you were at your house that night drinking with our sisters and Iggy listening to Music and bullshitting; we were so drunk that we ended up holding each other that night. Well more me than you, seeing as you past out….but it was you that I was holding. It was you that I wanted to keep warm and cuddle with…It was you that I covered with a blanket as you slept……And when I kissed you Mickey, it was you Mickey I was kissing. Not Nick, not anyone else only you…And do you know why?” Ian asked and all Mickey could do was shake his head in response, while his eyes flickered from Ian’s lips to his eyes now. “Because it was you (Ian leans in closer to Mickey) it was you who I wanted to kiss.”

 

 

“No…no; no Ian you don’t know what you’re saying okay” Mickey said sounding weak.

 

 

“Yes Mickey it was you. I wanted to kiss you. And the only reason why your afraid is because it’s not Nick’s feelings your scared of. It’s your own feelings that you’re afraid of. You’re afraid that you’re starting to feel for me, the way I feel for you.” Ian tells Mickey.

 

 

“You know you really are a fucking narcissistic asshole you know that? What makes you think you know what the fuck I feel?” Mickey asked Ian with little heat behind his voice.

 

 

“Okay sure whatever you say, I don’t know what the fuck you’re feeling. But I know what I feel, and I love that I feel that for you. I want those feelings to stay because it’s you that I want. So I’m not gonna sit in here and tell you what or how you feel….But I can tell you what I feel…I’ve felt it for a long time now.” Ian said as he gets closer to Mickey

 

 

“I’ve tried everything that I know to get over what I feel for you…I’ve stayed away from you, fucked other guys, but nothing.” Ian said shaking his head “Christ I even try to stand next to you sometimes when we would hang out with Debbie and Mandy or sit next to you to be around you, be your friend. You come around we hang out, and then you go home to another man. So I try to stop…but I can’t and now you know.  Just be honest Mickey…I know I’m not alone in how I feel. You Mickey Milkovich have feelings for me.” Ian said passionately to Mickey.

 

 

“I can’t have feelings for you Ian…I’m engaged…(Mickey looks away from Ian) I’m in love with Colt Ian.” Mickey said and Ian knew it was bullshit.

 

 

“Just admit it…just do that please. I know you don’t really love him.” Ian tells Mickey.

 

 

Mickey turns and looks Ian now dead in his eyes; and god did he want to tell Ian the truth but he couldn’t. “I can’t Ian” was all he said.

 

 

Ian looks at Mickey and then lunges forward, kissing him hard. Mickey response to the kiss by opening his mouth and letting Ian run his tongue inside his mouth. They both moaned as they kissed each other. Ian is holding on to Mickey’s face and Mickey was holding on to Ian’s forearms. When the kiss broke, both men were panting hard and Ian put his and Mickey’s foreheads together as both men keep their eyes closed.  Once they both caught their breaths and were breathing normally again. Mickey steps back and looks at Ian.  He grabs his lips and shook his head no at Ian, and then Mickey left the steam room in a flash, leaving Ian there by himself.

 

*******

 

Ian, well Ian was trying. He really was. Being around Mickey was now different. There hanging out together was always short and whenever Mandy invited him over to her house or said she was going to Mickey’s to hang out, he would decline. She would ask him what was wrong but he would give her the excuse that work was crazy and that he was just really tired. Or he would lie to her and say he had a date. When he did hang out with her and Mickey was around them things were awkward with them.

 

 

However as much as he tried, Ian couldn’t stop his feelings for Mickey. He got the message loud and clear in the steam room that day and it hurt as hell. But it is what it is after all. It was that wanting and the pinning over a man that was engaged to someone else. To someone Ian wouldn’t mind kicking down the stairs or beating the shit out of. No. Ian was doing what Mickey told him to do even more, which was move on. He tried it and it didn’t work the first time, so now he had to try even harder.  He was happy for Mickey. He had to be, and no matter how much it hurt Mickey made his decision. He was going to be with Colt and that was that. But that didn’t mean Ian had to be happy about him being engaged to Colt or be with someone else. In fact when Ian first found out he thought that the engagement was a little too fast in his own opinion. Mandy shared that same opinion as well. She told Ian that when she would ask Mickey about it, he would tell her to fuck herself and that was her answer.

 

***********

 

So now Ian went out on dates, like Mickey told him but even more. Like his sister told him to and like how Mandy told him to. He needed to move on and try to at least pick up the piece of his broken heart on his own. And since him and Mickey were trying this friendship thing, which by the way wasn’t working since they weren’t really speaking to each other so much. Only via text messaging mostly and that was even rare for them now.

 

 

 

Ian knew and felt like this was going to end badly for their friendship. However Ian told Mandy about his dates and he even reach out to Mickey asking him his opinion on what pants to go with, what shirt to wear, or where were good place to take a guy out to dinner on a 3rd date. Mickey sometimes but rarely did ask Ian about his dates. Ian would tell Mickey about some of the dates he went on, which again from what Ian saw, Mickey was happy he was moving on; so now it was a good time tell his family and friends the offer that was made to him.

 

 

Ian and Debbie were invited out by Iggy and Mandy to a restaurant for a late lunch early dinner thing. So Ian felt it would be a good time to tell everyone his news. Debbie already knew and her and Ian got into a bit of a fight over about one of his offers. So to say she was happy, is about 50/50 percent changes.  Since they were all out at a diner; Collin, Iggy, Mandy, Ian, Debbie, Mickey and even Colt, but Colt was running late. The whole gang decided to order there food and talk. So now was his chance.

 

 

“Okay so I have an announcement to make.” Ian said while everyone was eating their food and talking.

 

 

Everyone looked at him, but Iggy wanted to have fun. He saw how serious Ian was looking, so he cracked a joke. “Let me guess, you got the hots for me right?” Iggy said jokingly giving Ian a wink while laughing.

 

 

Ian laughed and almost spit out his drink. “Oh My God. I didn’t know you were an option in my life.” Ian said joking back.

 

 

“Oh I know, you’re straight now and you being a gentlemen; you want to ask my brothers permission to ask me out. Well I have you know, you don’t need these dick wards permission.  I am all your Ian Gallagher! Take me away.” Mandy said laughing through her arms in the air.

                                                                                                                                   

“OH MY GOD NO!” Ian said laughing.

 

 

“Okay so fucking tell us what is it Red?” Mickey said to Ian.

 

 

Ian looks at him and then at everyone else. “No….I ah…So my old commanding officer called me.” Ian says now and the table went silent. Everyone stopped doing what they were doing and gave Ian their attention even more. “He wanted to ask me if I wanted to come back, to like train a few soldiers and stuff like that, and I’m considering it. But I was also offered a transfer out of Chicago as well and-.” Ian tries to continue on saying, but was cut off.

 

 

Everyone looks at Ian, as he spoke to them and was immediately shocked. But it was Mandy who spoke up. She glanced at Mickey who was shocked and then back at Ian really quick. “Wait, what you’d mean? Like they want you back in the military to train guys? What for? Why can’t they do that shit on their own or find someone else?” Mandy said shocked and slightly upset

 

 

“Because I was good at my job, and it pays more. Plus I don’t think I’ll see combat anyways. I’m just going out there train them that’s it. But if they need me to go out I have to. It’s my job and duty.” Ian tells everyone but looks at Mandy when he spoke.

 

 

“Yeah and training them requires you to go out on the field in combat Ian!” Mandy said “I’m not stupid I know this shit. Why would you-” Mandy was cut off by Debbie

 

 

“Because he’s an idiot, and I told him he can’t go.” Debbie says sitting down next to her brother “I told you you’re not going. You’re not leaving me even if you can take me with you.” Debbie said to him. Ian told Debbie that she could go with him, but that he would always be out on the field and she would be home a lot of the time by herself on the military base. She didn’t care for that, she cared about her brother going back in and war. No matter what war would be around and that meant soldier would have to go out and fight. It was honourable yes, but painful and scary at the same time. She didn’t care; she didn’t want him back out there. PERIOD!

 

 

Ian sighs “Look they just told me to think about it okay? Not to mention that wasn’t the only offer I was given.” Ian says and looks back at everyone. “I was also offered a transfer to New York or Seattle as well to be in their cybercrimes division, and the LA police department wants me to go to them for their narcotics division. Each place says I would be great, plus I have the skills and determination to do it.” Ian says trying to lighten up the mood that was causing tension between everyone at the table.

 

 

“Yeah but being in the Narcotics you get your asses shot at. Shit, don’t they, like you have you go undercover or some shit right. At least with cybercrime you won’t be in so much danger right? And New York is right there, unless you go to Seattle.” Iggy says now looking at Ian then back at his brother and then Ian again. Iggy became very fond of Ian over the months spending time with him. Apart of him knew that right now his brother was eternally freaking out about Ian possibly leaving.

 

 

For some reason everyone was looking at Ian and Mickey but not saying anything. Ian wasn’t showing that he was nervous or anything. He was actually calm. It was Mickey who was quiet and looking at Ian nodding his head biting his bottom lip.

 

 

“Well that depends, going undercover as well for a job, and we work with the FBI with the cybercrime division as well, to you know stop child trafficking, child pornography all that shit as well as terrorist threats and attacks. Plus I think it would be good, but I still haven’t decided yet on what I want to do, and Debbie over here is refusing to let me even consider going back into the Marines.” Ian said looking at his sister and glancing at Mickey but not too long. He then looks at everyone else.

 

 

“I already told you no. If you leave me Ian Gallagher I will murder you in your sleep and cut your dick off.” Debbie said pointing at knife at him, and went back to eating her food.

 

 

“See what I mean!” Ian said to the group trying to make a joke out of it. They laughed all except Mandy.

 

 

“I’m with her on that!” Mandy said giving Ian knowing looking and a smirk. Ian rolled his eyes and laughed

 

 

“I think it’s a good thing.” Mickey said and everyone looked at him. “You know that the other places like New York, LA, and Seattle want you in their department. It just shows how good you really are.” Mickey says looking at Ian. “I think it would be better for the cybercrimes in my opinion.” Mickey said looking down at his plate

 

 

“Mickey’s right.” Collin said, “I think you would do great, but I mean why not here you know.” Collin found himself saying. He didn’t know why. So much that even Iggy and Mandy raised their eye brows at his remark.

 

 

“Well different state, different atmosphere you know. I just need something different for a change.” Ian said looking down at his plate and Mickey looked at Ian when he said that, but he didn’t say anything to him.

 

 

Everyone at one point looked at Ian and then went back to talking about bullshit really.  When Colt came in the new news was told to him and to say that he was more excited than everyone else was an understatement. Of course Mandy and Debbie told him that Ian may or may not take the job. Just so they can see his smiled turn upside down. But it was Ian who said most likely he would go back into the Marines, even with Debbie’s protest.

 

 

So after dinner Ian went outside to smoke a cigarette and was thinking to himself. Thinking of moving on, and getting to be back into the field, and was if he chooses to. Thinking of maybe living in a different city, how would it be. He loved New York when he was there, but there were too many memories already there. So just keeps on smoking his cigarette and didn’t bother to turn around and look back when he hears the door close behind him.

 

 

“So you’re gonna leave then huh?” Mickey says putting a cigarette in his mouth and lighting it up.

 

 

Ian turns to him and nods his head. “Yeah thinking about it….I mean it would be best. Plus different city, different atmosphere maybe?” Ian said not saying anymore.

 

 

“You said it would be for the best, but for whom? You or me?” was all Mickey said and Ian looks at him puzzled.

 

 

“Both don’t you think.” Ian simply said to him.

 

 

With that answer Mickey shook his head “I don’t know Ian?” was all he said to Ian. Out of blue, Ian walks up to Mickey and kisses him. No open mouth just a kiss. He pulls back and looks at Mickey.

 

 

Ian looks at Mickey in the eyes and tries to search for something there, giving him a hint to stay or something. “You already know that answer Mick, you do know.” Was all Ian said. He goes back inside to say good bye to everyone and him and Debbie leave.

 

 

When Mickey gets back inside, he told his family he wasn’t feeling well and wanted to go home. So everyone left and went home.

 

**********

 

It had been a couple of weeks since the dinner and things were okay or so to speak. Mickey felt that it would be best for Ian to leave, and he support his friend decision in every way possible. That’s what friends do.  Mickey continued to focus on going to therapy and keeping to his daily routine schedule. He also focused on keeping his and Colt’s relationship steady. Things were coming along fine with it so far. There wasn’t too much pressure from Colt and for some reason he was acting different ever since he heard the news that Ian may or may not be leaving. Even telling Mickey that maybe they should move into a house or a bigger place. Colt wanted to move in with Mickey before the wedding, but Mickey suggested it would be best after the wedding. In all honesty, Mickey didn’t want to give up his place. So he told Colt to bring some of his things over and stay a few nights a week, but that after the wedding it would be best for them to find a place and move in with one another.  Like a fresh start. That was the best Mickey can give to him, at least for now that was.

 

 

But things were becomes good and bad for Mickey again. Mickey had mixed feelings about a lot of things, and one being that Ian may leave him. Well not him; no, not like that but Mickey couldn’t think of him that way. Ian was moving on yeah, but why couldn’t he stay in Chicago and do it? His therapy session where bring a lot of things up to light for Mickey and one of them being that kiss. That kiss….why did Ian kiss him if he was moving on…..this shit was all fucked up…..but more importantly was why didn’t he push Ian off of him and away….Mickey knew why. But those can’t be his feelings because he’s with someone and….and well he’s okay with that. Or at least he thinks he is.

 

 

Mickey decides to text Ian after weeks of silence among them. “I hope you’re happy.”

 

*********

 

There was a knock on Ian’s door, he had just gotten home and showered and was exhausted. Whoever was at the door was knocking harder and louder. Fucking person was persistent as fuck. “Okay, okay calm the fuck down man I’m coming.” Ian said. Since becoming a cop Ian had stared to lock the doors and windows in the house, and he even put up a security system. When Ian went to open the door he was shocked to see who was at the other end of it.

 

 

“Can I come in?” Collin asked Ian. Ian hadn’t seen Collin since the dinner. They didn’t speak or talked even before that; not as much any ways, but still a house call….Now that was different.

 

 

Ian nods his head and lets Collin walk in. “What are you doing here Collin?” Ian asked as he’s closing the door making his way into the kitchen.

 

 

“Ian so um…I wanted to talk….So um…you’re gonna go then huh, like one of those places and take the transfer and leave Chicago for somewhere else?” Collin asked now looking at Ian.

 

 

“Well I’m sure you’ll be happy to hear I’m leaving Chicago.” Ian said bitterly to Collin. Ian knew that Collin wasn’t a fan of him in the beginning when everything started with Mickey, Nick and Ian.

 

 

“No….No I don’t think that at all. And I’m sure Mickey; well I’m sure he doesn’t as well. I know he doesn’t.… (there was a small moment of silence before Collin continued on talking) ….Look Ian… for Mickey sack okay. Please don’t go.” Collin says to Ian.

 

 

Ian looks at Collin weird now. “Sorry what?” Ian says to Collin. “Mickey’s happy now, and he will be happy to see me leave and move on like he wanted!” Ian tells Collin, while he’s cleaning his service pistol. That for some reason seemed to always calm him down.

 

 

“Well I think it’s better if you stick around you know. A person like you Ian; well Mickey can use a friend like you. Someone who understand him someone who gets how he’s feeling, someone he can go to and…fuck Ian, just don’t go okay.” Collin said. He didn’t like to beg, but he felt like he was now….for his brother sake he would.

 

 

Ian laughs at that; it’s like this whole shit is unbelievable right now. Of all people, Collin who seemed like he didn’t like Ian nor did he want him around Mickey to now all of a sudden want him to stay for Mickey…..but why….Ian didn’t want to stay anymore. It just hurt too much to stay. “Mickey doesn’t need me in his life like that okay? He’s got you guys and Colt. I’m one friend he can deal without okay.” Ian says as he’s moving around in his kitchen trying to distract himself from the conversation he was having with the Collin.

 

 

“So you really think that Mickey’s happy?” Collin said looking at Ian like he was crazy. “Look Ian I thought he was to okay. I did, but I’m concern for Mickey. He’s my brother and I will always be concern for him, but ever since the integration.” Ian now looks at Collin at what he just said. Collin is shaking his head trying to get the words out right for Ian to understand him. “He’s him but he’s not; the thing is whenever you’re around it’s like he’s happy. But lately he’s been different not him, not the happy him. I know my brother and something wrong with him, but he won’t tell me. He says he’s okay, which I think is bullshit and I think it’s because you’re leaving.” Collin tells Ian.

 

 

Ian looks at Collin more and crosses his arms now. “Look Collin I get that you’re worried about Mickey, but he’s a big boy okay….plus I’m pretty sure Mickey can be happy without me in his life alright. He’s marrying Colt, and he fucking seems happy to me. So why should I stay and watch them play fucking house! HUH! No fuck that okay! I’m gonna leave and I’m gonna do exactly what the fuck I should have done month ago okay!? Which is move the fuck on and stop wasting my time on feelings he doesn’t have for me anymore….It was Nick not him okay! It was Nick that loved me and wanted me! Mickey doesn’t fucking want me anymore!” Ian shouts at Collin and walks over into the sala, picking up his work bag and taking his clothes out of it. He walks right back into the kitchen to through his dirty clothes in the washer. He looks at his phone and sees there a text and it’s from fucking Mickey! He then turns to Collin. “You know, you Milkovich men got some fucking balls you know that?” Ian said

 

 

“Ian Please. Okay I know my brother isn’t happy okay!” Collin argues back. “Not with Colt and he won’t be with anyone else!...Fuck Ian can’t you see it….Mickey love you!” Collin stated firmly to Ian, hoping he would listen and understand.

 

 

“You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about okay? Mickey even said he loves Colt so there! It’s done! And you know what Collin! Fuck you for trying to use my feelings for you brother to make me stay!” Ian snaps back out at Collin

 

 

“Ian you don’t get it do you…..I see it in his eyes and I know he loves you!” Collin continues to argue back. “Just-I know he has feelings for you okay…..I know Mickey loves you and not Colt okay….I know that much Ian, because I fucking know my brother!” Collin said to him. When Ian didn’t say anything to Collin but just glare at him. Collin took that as his que to leave. But as he left he turns back and looks at Ian and says. “Just…just talk to him or some shit okay. Then if you still think Mickey’s happy without you in his life….then fine.” Was all that Collin said and walks out of the door.

 

 

Ian was pissed now. He was beyond pissed, beyond upset. He was angry and wanted to fucking explode.  Who the fuck was Collin to come in here, tell him he couldn’t leave, and that he shouldn’t leave Mickey; how fucking selfish was he. And Mickey…fucking Mickey, where the fuck did he get off. He text Ian and Ian read the text and laughed out loud “I hope you’re happy?’ “Really Mickey! FUCKING REALLY!” Ian yells at his phone. He then went over and grabs his keys, wallet, and jacket and headed straight to his car to Mickey Fucking Alexis Milkovich apartment.

 

*****************

 

Ian walks up to Mickey’s door and bangs on it for him to open it. Ian doesn’t have to wait long as Mickey opens the door quickly and watches as Ian walks right into his apartment pushing him aside and slams the door shout walking towards the sala. Ian pushes the doors open to the sala roughly and is beyond pissed. “Fuck you! Mickey…FUCK YOU!” He screams out and walks over to the liquor cabinet in the sala and pours himself a drink and takes it like it was nothing.

 

 

Mickey walks through the door and enters the sala and glares at Ian hard. “What the fuck Ian?”

 

 

“What!? You’re happy right!? You’re engaged to marry Colt. So what you thought it would be okay to send your fucking brother to my house to talk to me, then you fucking text ME!?” Ian starts to say “you know what Mickey me leaving is definitely the right fucking thing to do. It’s the best fucking thing for me and you! I need to get away from you and put as much fucking distance between me and you….”

 

 

Mickey is hurt by what Ian said but is also confused as well. He didn’t send no one to Ian. “Ian what the fuck are you talking about? I just text you saying I hope you’re happy that’s it! I didn’t fucking send one of my brothers to you at all okay!? So I don’t know that the fuck is your problem, but you need to fucking get your shit straight!” Mickey slashes out back at Ian.

 

 

“You Mick, you made your choice. You fucking made your choice okay….You fucking did! That I know that much! I fucking can’t stand you right now.” Ian shouted at him

 

 

“Oh yeah, according to you right Mr. Tough guy! You think you know all the fucking answer and that leaving is one of them.” Mickey spits back out at Ian. It was right then and there that all the cards were going to come out.

 

 

“Yeah I know all the answer so fucking what. I’m trying to stay sane Mickey….The only way to do that, is to go. Get you out of my system and not see you with him, and not be around you and sure as fuck not be around when you have your perfect fucking wedding!” Ian shouts out at Mickey.

 

 

“Wow you know what, you are so fucking full of shit you know that? You think you have all the answer and everything will solved right? Because you think that running away will solve all of it? Well news flash you asshole it won’t, it won’t solve shit!” Mickey yells out.

 

 

“Mickey. You. Made. Your. Choice! You’re gonna be with that dick head okay and you’re not with me! So since I can’t have Adam, I can’t have Nick or since I can’t fucking have you! I got me! So just like you told me months ago Mickey! I have to do what I have to do and choose me. For once  _I’m choosing me again_. Get you out of my brain and my heart forever.” Ian says to Mickey with so much heat that even Mickey flinches a bit at his words.

 

 

Mickey looks at Ian and is almost hurt. Mickey and Ian stop speaking to each other since that day at the diner. Mickey focused on the wedding and had to; Ian was leaving so that meant they both can move on and bury whatever feelings they had…..but no one said it was easy. It was really hard and as much as Mickey tries, it was just getting harder. “So you think this is easy for me?” Mickey says weakly. “You don’t think how this is affecting me?” Mickey says to Ian as Ian has his back turned to him. “Look at me!” Mickey shouts to Ian “For fuck sacks Ian look at me!” Mickey says and turns Ian around. “I am doing everything in my power to stop what I’m feeling….to do what I have to do, to do what’s right!” Mickey says to Ian

 

 

Ian looks at Mickey and his face it hard now. It had been weeks since either of Mickey and Ian spoke to each other and now this. “What? You want me to feel bad for you? Why the fuck are you with Colt anyway huh? IF you so call have feelings for me why the fuck are you with him Mickey?” Ian says firmly to him. Ian want’s a fucking answer now.

 

 

“You think you know all the answer don’t you; You’re so fucking busy being mad at me and avoiding me, that you didn’t think that maybe yes I do love Colt, and being with him and having feelings for you doesn’t make me feel any better about myself!” Mickey yelled at Ian.

 

 

That was when Ian looks at Mickey differently giving him a face. “Do you have any idea what it takes for me not to want to go to you right now, and not have you close to me? Huh Mickey do you? To want to kiss you, and hold you, and just be next to you.” Ian’s face soften slightly

 

 

“Ian I’m sorry but there’s nothing I can do about that.  You don’t get it” Mickey says defeated.

 

 

“Do you love him then? DO you Mickey Milkovich love Colt? Like really love him Mickey and not just saying that shit to say.” Ian says looking at Mickey fighting back tears.

 

 

“I just….I don’t know I think I do love him the way I’m suppose to? But when I’m around you it’s hard okay. I don’t know what to feel. I don’t know how to control what I’m feeling and it gets hard.” Mickey says to Ian.

 

 

“I don’t want make you miserable Mick, I don’t want be that kind of fucking loser of a guy holding on to some kind of hope when there is none….(there silence between them and Ian speaks again) You know it hurts right? When the man that I love, has the same feelings for me, but is with someone else….How the fuck does that make any sense huh? I’m just gonna end up losing aren’t I.” Ian said to Mickey with tears threatening to come down his face.

 

 

Mickey was silent of a moment before he spoke again. “Ian… I’m sorry…I just I don’t know what to tell you. I don’t know what to do anymore.”

 

 

“Admit something to me then Mickey…..Admit that you Mickey, you choose responsibility and obligation to Colt over desire, over happiness, over needs, and over love for me Mickey!” Ian said to him

 

 

“Oh and you’re so sure of that!” Mickey snapped out.

 

 

Ian posture straightens up. “Oh fucking yes I am. I’m fucking sure of that you chose wrong.” Ian says to him firmly.

 

 

“Yeah well if you’re so sure of that, then why are we even having this fucking conversation then!” Mickey said.

 

 

“Because I wanna hear you admit! Fucking admit it to yourself and me at least!” Ian yells out.

 

 

“Wha-” But Mickey didn’t get a chance to say anything because Ian cuts him off.

 

 

“I wanna hear you admit it Mickey! I want to hear you admit it! I want to hear you say that you wish to god that you would have chosen me over fucking Colt.” Ian said passionately to Mickey.

 

 

“Wh-what if I said that huh? What would it change?” Mickey said to him

 

 

“So… you’re saying it’s true then. You’re admitting it then?” Ian asked Mickey not once removing eye contact away from him.

 

 

“Ian who cares what I wish or what anyone wishes okay… fuck I made a choice okay. My choice is Colt, you’re right!” Mickey said to him

 

 

“Admit you made a mistake Mick… me and you we can fix this we can be together.” Ian says hopefully. It was now or never, and he loved Mickey that much to just drop everything for him and just be with him.

 

 

“Really?” Was all Mickey said to him. He turns around and shakes his head while walking to the window in the sala.

 

 

“Yeah.” Ian simply says and Mickey turns to just looks at Ian again. He then turns back around looks towards the window looking outside. He doesn’t say anything. So Ian continues to speak.  “We go to Colt we tell him you love me… that you made a mistake. That we love each other, because you know it’s true and your fucking fighting you’re feeling for god know what or why!” Ian said to him

 

 

“Ian….no I” Mickey started to say but Ian cuts him off again.

 

 

“Yes Mickey…Mickey, think about our life together. We can do so much. Me and you we can fucking get married right. The right way this time, we can adopt kids or travel the world, I don’t fucking know! But we will be together. It would be amazing and you know it……You can keep doing what you love, you love fixing cars, and making music. You love drawing and I know you do because your face lights up whenever you finish a picture you’ve drawn, and it’s like the first time every time, because your amazed by what you can do. Or when you play music and sing to yourself, it’s as if you light up like no one is around you and you’re happy. We can do that, me and you. That’s you when you’re with me!” Ian says to him so passionately.

 

 

“Ian….”Mickey says

 

 

“Mickey please! If you can’t do it here, we can go somewhere else like New York, LA, fucking England or some shit. Paris is beautiful we can go there.” Ian says smiling at Mickey

 

 

“England? Paris?” Mickey chuckles out looking at Ian.

 

 

“Yeah….anywhere; for fuck sacks we can go to the moon and Mars or some shit if you want as long as me and you are together Mick.” Ian says

 

 

Mickey was thinking and he can’t; he fucking can’t do this. Ian can’t do this to him, not now, not like this. Mickey shakes his head and his eyes are becoming glassy. “I can’t.” Mickey whispers out.

 

 

“ _You can_ … all you have to do is admit you choose wrong and you made a mistake….be with me, be free Mickey!” Ian said to Mickey.

 

 

“It’s not a lie Ian, I can’t admit to something that’s not a lie” Mickey says and he knows he’s lying to Ian.

 

 

“Oh it’s not a lie… being with one person and engaged to that said one person and being in love with another….Mickey that is living a lie….. Every fucking day that you’re with him when you’re thinking about me is a lie! And you’re not just lying to Colt, your lying to everyone, to me, to your brothers and sister…..and to yourself Mick. You can’t fucking do this!” Ian said emotionally to Mickey.

 

 

“Ian you’re fucking making things worse and harder man. Please just stop this shit now!” Mickey said to him.

 

 

“How can things be any harder or worse Mickey! This isn’t a life you want Mick. Denying your own fucking feelings and dying everyday slowly, piece by piece….You as well as I know that if you admit it! For one fucking second just admit it! You know that if you do everything and I mean everything would change Mickey. Everything would change for the better and not just for you Mick for everyone; But most importantly for you.” Ian says to Mickey.

 

 

“I am about to marry Colt…Ian…Please.” Mickey said now weakly.

 

 

“I know….that’s why it’s now or never Mick. It will be too late for you; you and I both know that you’re not happy. I look at you and in your eyes they say it all; you can’t fucking deny that.” Ian said

 

 

“How can you ask me to do this Ian?” Mickey said

 

 

“Because I love you, because you deserve the world and more...It’s taking everything in me not to go lock your fucking door and pull you in and Make love to you over and over again. Never making you feel empty inside, never having you leave the house sad or mad, or miserable.” Ian said to Mickey who looks away as Ian was professing his love for him. “Look at me….look at me Mickey!” Ian yells out and Mickey is looking away trying not to see Ian, but then looks at him and has a few tears come down his face.

 

 

Mickey looks at Ian then looks away wiping his eyes. “Ian I can’t leave him like that.” Mickey said weakly

 

 

“You can’t even look at me and say that can you!” Ian hissed at him

 

 

“Me and you have been through this before okay, a few times now….We both know that the outcome is always the same Ian.” Mickey said.

 

 

“Come with me…” Ian tells Mickey in his last attempted.

 

 

“I’m sorry Ian I made my decision.” Mickey says to Ian sadly.

 

 

“You made your decision…well now I have to make mines….I tried your way okay, fucking try to stay away. I tried to be friends with you and still have a relationship of understanding and trust with you. I even turned down a fucking transfer to LA for you at first.” Ian said revealing something he hadn’t told no one till now. Mickey is now shocked and surprised at this news. “Oh yeah see you didn’t know, but no one fucking knew what I did. That I turned down that job, but you know what I still have 3 more left at least.” Ian said.

 

 

When Mickey didn’t say anything Ian continued on talking “….Do you know what I do so that I won’t have to see you around, so that I won’t have to bump into or-or feel obligated to just go and want to see you? Do you know what I do?...No. no you don’t…You don’t that I have take the long way to work so I don’t have to see all the places we use to go, or even bump into you on the streets. Why do you think I haven’t seen you in weeks huh?” Ian said to Mickey coldly.

 

 

“Ian-” Mickey tries to say

 

 

“No! You’re everywhere… Don’t you fucking get that! You’re in my dreams, you’re in my home that we shared; you’re just fucking everywhere Mickey! I can’t fucking take it anymore!” Ian shouts out to Mickey with tears almost coming out of his eyes

 

 

“Don’t say shit like that Ian please don’t, we just need…fuck I don’t know any more okay?” Mickey said “It will pass Ian, I promise it has to.”

 

 

Ian tries to calm himself down and takes a deep breath in and say “No” Ian says and is shaking his head. “...No, no it won’t. Not if there’s any chance of bumping into one other on the streets or going home and having you ever where I see you. Not if I still have your number and know where you live Mick…It won’t pass, this isn’t something time will help heal okay…. the only thing that’s going to make this better is if I put as much distance between me and you. That’s the only way this could work.” Ian said heart brokenly; and he knew he was right that this was the only way and that it has to be done.

 

 

Mickey turns around and sees Ian face. He see how serious he is and knows that he means what he’s saying “No Ian…trust me okay, it will get better, we will get better at this. We’re friends right? So why can’t we just stay like that?” Mickey says trying to plead with Ian.

 

 

“The only way that this will get better Mickey…is if I leave Chicago. Move on and you move on with your life as well okay….there’s no other way. The sooner, the better; maybe next week or some shit, but I have to go. I can’t be here anymore!” Ian says sadly.

 

 

And with that last comment, that sparks something in Mickey. “So that’s you’re fucking solution then? You’re really just gonna pick up and leave and go somewhere and do what Ian?” Mickey says to Ian a bit aggressively.

 

 

“I’m out of Opinion Mickey! I can’t be here and see you with him. Or know that you’re here and I can’t have you or be with you! You’re with him and it fucking hurts, because it should be me with you.” Ian says to him

 

 

“Well what about Debbie?  You can’t just up and leave like that; plus you said something about your job and transfer and I know that shit takes time, so you can’t just leave like that fast and not-” Mickey says rushed out but didn’t finish as Ian cuts him off.

 

 

“Debbie will be fine or she can come with me. I’ve told her that already. My job...Well I can still get a transfer again if I want to go to LA; that wasn’t the only place that wanted me remember. I can speak to my captain to see if I can process the transfer as soon as possible, or maybe I can call my old General again and tell him I’ll take his offer like I announced a few weeks ago at dinner...the tension we have between us is fucking terrible for us. You and Colt will have a life together…be together and move on. That’s what you wanted Mickey.” Ian says to Mickey. He was just so tired of fighting and not getting anywhere.

 

 

Mickey shakes his head as he speaks and moves closer to Ian. “Okay no this-this is crazy Ian. It’s just fucking crazy Ian. You can’t do this!” Mickey says firmly to Ian.

 

 

“Like Hell I can’t! You think I like this Mick?” Ian said and starts to shout again.

 

 

“Then don’t do it Ian!” Mickey shouted back at him

 

 

Ian looked at Mickey for a few seconds that spoke calmly again. “You’re asking me to stay Mickey? Is that what you’re asking me?” Ian asked.

 

 

“YES!” Mickey said with no hesitation

 

 

Ian shook his head in disbelieve because not even Mickey knew what the fuck he wanted; but apparently he wanted Ian to stay. “Yeah getting me to stay and always wanting you, but never being able to have you? Huh? You really are fucking crazy aren’t you?” Ian said bitterly to Mickey and slightly regretting what he said. Mickey looked away in shame not being able to respond back. So Ian continues talking. “And fucking god-forbid if Colt comes in here right now and sees us talking about this shit! Or god-forbid he overhears us huh? How’d you think he would react Mickey?” Ian’s tone of voice didn’t lighten up, it just got darker. “Mother fucker would flip his lid right? And you know it!”

 

 

“Stay Ian! Please just stay for Debbie, and Mandy.” Was all Mickey can say looking at Ian.

 

 

Ian just glares at Mickey for saying that. “NO!” Ian yells out in frustration “The only reason that I will stay is for you and me Mickey, for us…” Ian said. The room went silent and both Mickey and Ian can feel the distance between each other and the air; the air changed in the room and now both men were looking at each other not once breaking eye contact.

 

 

“So Mick….what is it gonna be?” Ian asked Mickey looking at him waiting for a responds that he prays he will hear, but feels he won’t. Was it wrong to give Mickey an ultimatum? No, not to Ian it wasn’t. Mickey was being selfish for asking Ian to stay. It would be torcher for him to stay and watch Mickey be with Colt. That isn’t fair at all.

 

 

“I just want some piece Ian. I?” Was all Mickey said to Ian with glassy eyes.

 

 

“I want that to Mick.” Ian said unfazed and shrugged his shoulders “Balls all in your court….not mine.”

 

 

Mickey’s face change and now he was angry all of a sudden he was angry at Ian. How could he say it’s all on him? This wasn’t fucking fair, why couldn’t they just stay and have things the way it was supposed to be and be fucking happy for each other…..why couldn’t his feelings for Ian leave!? Why couldn’t he just let go if he was with Colt!!  “Fine!…Fine then! If that’s the only way that you can be at ease and get over this is by leaving Chicago then FINE IAN! GO! GET OUT AND LEAVE!” Mickey shouts out at the end.

 

 

Ian looks at Mickey and his eyes are water. He walks up to Mickey and Mickey looks at Ian as he gets closer. He should move but he doesn’t. He doesn’t want Ian to leave he wants him close always close. His feelings were never so much complicated as they were until Ian came into his life….that day at the hospital when he first officially met Ian; when he had a conversation with Ian, almost 1 year and a half ago; telling him to leave him alone and forget about Nick and not to see him anymore. Mickey even knew then that Ian Gallagher was going to be trouble for him, and not having Ian in his life would hurt….just like….well just like now.

 

 

Ian is now facing Mickey and their bodies are touching and with a slow motion Ian tilts his head and captures Mickeys’ lips. Mickey doesn’t move away from Ian or push him away. Instead, he’s kissing Ian back. And it’s the most passionate kiss they have ever shared, but there’s something else behind that kiss as well…… it's goodbye kiss…..

 

 

Ian breaks the kiss and Mickey hates that; he knows what that kiss was. Ian looks at Mickey and steps back as he speaks. “Done! It’s done. You won’t ever see me again Mikhailo.” He says, Ian turns and walks away and is out the door before Mickey can respond.

 

 

Mickey is left standing there in his sala alone. For a second he thinks to himself and then goes to towards the door to see if he can catch Ian, but he’s gone.  Mickey just locks the door and turns around and slides down to the ground and lets the tears on his face come out.

 

 

And now…..Ian’s gone …. And he’s gone forever this time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah the angst hit...I really hope you guys are seeing how Mickey is different yet still same as he use to be in a way. THe concept of integration is the bring a person together as a whole and he or she is that person. In some ways you see Nick in Mickey and Mickey as he use to be. But soon like next chapter soon you guys should see more of what I mean...well I hope you do. It's sometimes hard to describe what I have in my head and type it correctly on paper. I want you guys to see what I see. So I hope you are. Let me know what you think.


	30. Stay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New Note:Hey so i finally got around to updating and editing the rest of the chapters. I hope you guys are still with me. Im working on the next one, but school and work. Life crazy that way. 
> 
>  
> 
> Past Note: Well Merry Christmas everyone. I hope you guys are having a wonderful day.
> 
> So with this don't hate me. But I have to keep you guys wanting more right?
> 
> BUt anyways I did fuck up, there was one part I wrote in the beginning when I first started this story that I forgot to put in completely, but I got in here. It's flash backs of Nick and Ian. Mickey remembering. So I hope you guys enjoy it. You get to see how they first had there first encounter and what it meant by when ever someone asked them how they met that Nick knocked Ian out.
> 
> The title of this chapter is actual a song called Stay from Miley Cyrus. I dont know if anyone has ever heard it, but its perfect for this chapter I think. So heres the link I hope yah like it 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHKOX9np09s
> 
>  
> 
> So here you go. I hope you guys love it and please let me know what you think of it. I love your comments and kudos and well Merry Christmas guys my gift to you all. xoxoxoxox

It had been a month since Mickey had seen or heard from Ian. Mickey mood had been up and down since that night everything happened. It was like he was on auto pilot. Sometimes he would register what was going on around him and other times he would space out. His psychologist gave him advice on how to deal with certain things Mickey was feeling. She even asked Mickey if he thought he was doing the right thing or if he felt he was making the right decisions for himself. To which Mickey said “I don’t fucking know.” The wedding was approaching soon and the invitations were all sent out. Mickey didn’t really have a part in planning much of the wedding. He just agreed to whatever Colt wanted and said yes or no to things. He wasn’t invested in it, and he didn’t pay much attention to it.

 

 

The guest list consisted some of Mickey’s workers, his brothers and sister and of course his sister in laws parent and his niece. Colt invited friends from work, his cousins, aunts, uncle, parents the whole fucking nine yards. Mickey didn’t want a big wedding, if anything signing a piece of paper was whatever to him. It didn’t mean anything to him. Fuck up part was that that he was supposed to care.

 

 

The wedding was happening in 2 1/2 weeks….2 1/2 WEEKS! Mickey didn’t want to think much of it. See once the divorce for him and Ian went through, Colt suggested that they get married as soon as possible. Mickey just nodded his head and said nothing. Colt did everything for the wedding; he picked out their tux, their wedding rings, where it was being held, the reception, the food just everything. Mickey was well….all he had to do was show up really.

 

*****

 

Mickey was mostly always at the shop by himself after hours working on his car. If he wasn’t home in his back room messing around with the music or learning to draw new things. He was working on his car; she was almost done, with a new engine that purred like a kitten, the body of the car was perfect and fixed. When Mickey got her she was damaged not too much, but he knew he could fix her. Mickey replaced all the windows and lights on the car. The brakes were new and perfect; he did in fact install them in himself. The cooling system operated perfectly fine now. There was a new battery in her, the Exhaust pipes, new completely new and boy oh boy did they look sexy. The oil was changed of course the suspension to the car was in place. She was almost done. Mickey just need to recheck everything and paint her black and forest green. His vision was for her to be all black with green flames; his favorite color was green after all. Plus the transmission he personally replace was perfect…I mean shit if Mickey could he would make love to this car. It was his baby, more like it was his distraction.

 

 

So now here he was making sure the cooling system was good, and wiring the radio into the car. While doing this; that was when he heard someone come in the shop. Mickey gets out from his car and looks over to who was coming towards him.

 

 

He sees Mandy and Collin; they were making their way over to him. “Hey what’s up man? How’s she’s looking?” Collin asked his brother.

 

 

“She good, she’s coming along fine now.” Mickey said wiping his hands with his rag “What’s up? Why are you guys here for after hours?” Mickey asked

 

 

“Well I need to check on the numbers to make sure everything was good for this month quarter and Collin decided to tag along and be all boss man like and shit now.” Mandy said making fun of Collin.

 

 

Collin shoved her light “Fuck you, I am boss man bitch” Collin says while laughing.

 

 

“Yeah okay.” Was all Mickey said as he decides to put his tools away now.

 

 

Mandy’s phone goes off and she looks at it and is she texting someone. “Ugh. Mickey, can you tell your fucking bridezilla bitch to back the fuck off.” She says to him while texting back Colt annoyingly.

 

 

“Just tell him yourself. Why what’s wrong? What the fuck does he want now?” Mickey asked

 

 

“He keeps on with seating arrangement and then he picked out this disgusting horrible maid of honor dress for me. Why the fuck did I agree to this shit? Oh yeah, I wanted to be a nice sister in law. Blah!” Mandy said making a disgusting sound. She then goes to Mickey and shows him a picture of an ugly pink peach dress. "What the fuck is that? Mickey seriously what the fuck is that? Look at it? It looks like someone ate that shit and shitty it out! Who makes shit like this!” Mandy said to him while point at her phone and showing him

 

 

Mickey laughs at her “Yeah it does.” he said. He laughs for a bit then makes a frown as he’s looking at the picture. He turns away to continue on what he was doing; putting his tools away.

 

 

Of course his big brother notice this “Hey Mickey” Collin says to him.

 

 

“Hey” Mickey says right back to Collin.

 

 

And out of nowhere “You sure you wanna get married? I mean to like Colt?” Collin asked.

 

 

“Yeah Collins right; I mean-why are you getting married to him? Why did you yes and why so soon?” Mandy asked

 

 

Mickey was silent and he looks at his siblings for a moment and then looks away. He turns again to look at his brother and sister and looks away again once more as he responds to their question. “Because I want to be with him okay…plus Colt’s been with me through everything. He loves me, and I care for him. And as to why we’re getting married soon….(Mickey shrugs his shoulders) I mean; I don’t know okay. Once the divorce from Ian was finally he wanted to do it and I agreed. I mean I don’t want to get married so soon, but I mean I said yes and I can’t exactly say no now can I. I can’t change my mind and tell him no not yet and that it’s too soon.” Mickey says as he’s moving around to the other side of the car.

 

 

“Says who?” Mandy asked him.

 

 

Mickey tenses up at her question and it doesn’t go unnoticed at all. “Says me okay; I’m not gonna do that him. I’ve done enough to him already with the whole multiple personality disorder and fucking doing what I did okay. Not to mention he stuck around, and if he did then…I mean, it means something okay.” Mickey said not looking at his siblings

 

 

“Bullshit!” Mandy spat back out to him.

 

 

Mickey looks at his sister now and raised his eye brows at her. “Fuck you Mandy okay!” Mickey snaps out back at Mandy.

 

 

“What? I’m only speaking the truth and you know it! For Christ sack Mickey you’re not even happy about your wedding! Your wedding, you know the thing you have with someone you love and care for and want to be with, like forever! Shit you haven’t even played one part or taking a likely to participating in the plaining of it.  You don’t even fucking smile anymore! All you do is smirk and give everyone fake smiles and fake laughs as if we don’t know! Well guess what Mick we know and we see it!” Mandy said forcefully yet firmly to Mickey.

 

 

Mickey now looks at his sister like she crazy, yet he can’t deny that what she just said wasn’t true. He looks at both Collin and Mandy; he takes a real good look at them and wants to know why they fuck they really were here. Mandy could always do the books and go over paper work for the quarter tomorrow, plus she always sends Collin an email or calls him. So he begins to think as to why the fuck where they really here for? “This is bullshit! Why the fuck did you two really come here for huh? Because from the looks of it; it just fucking seems you both came here to jump me on about bullshit!” Mickey yells out to them.

 

 

“No Mickey that’s not why okay” Collin said now

 

 

“Like hell it’s not!” Mandy snaps out taking a step forward and putting her hands on her waist. “I don’t know about you, but I can’t fucking stand this shit anymore!” Mandy expressed out to Collin and Mickey.

 

 

“It’s not your fucking life or business!” Mickey shouted at her

 

 

Mandy steps up to her brother as spoke to him. Her voice begins to travel and that was a clear sign that she was pissed off. “It is my business when your stupid ass finance goes to your ex-husband job, and personally invites him to your wedding, with a fucking invitation in hand asking if he had a plus one to bring to your wedding!” Mandy yells out at the end.

 

 

Mickey looked at her like she was crazy “What the fuck do you mean? Colt did what?” Mickey asked shockingly.

 

 

“That’s right Mickey. Your asshole of a soon to be the permanent pain in my fucking ass; Went to Ian’s job, asked for him, then went up to him and asked if he was going to you guys wedding, and gave him an invitation personally. Then he had the nerves to fucking ask if he had a plus one and to get back to him!” Mandy said fuming “Do you have any idea what I had to do to stop Ian from kicking his ass!” Mandy said “Let me enlighten, a bit; I had to get his partner to hold him back and then, even then I had to tell him that Colt was being a dick. Even though Ian knew he was being a prick. See that’s what your marrying…a prick!” Mandy says to him with heat behind her voice.

 

 

“When did this happen?” Mickey asked still in shock but yet not so surprised at how Colt can be. Not anymore anyways, but still Colt wouldn’t do that now. He has Mickey and to rub that in Ian’s face was more fucked up than anything.

 

 

“A few days ago” Mandy said and Collin nodded

 

 

Mickey was taken back a bit. “How do you know that Ian isn’t lying” Mickey asked

 

 

“Because I was there Mick…I was having lunch with Ian and then Colt showed up acting like shit is sweet and like his shit don’t stink.” Mandy said with some more heat in her voice.

 

 

Collin spoke now. “Look Mick, we just wanted to make sure you’re okay and that if you know…” Collin trailed

 

 

“If I know what Collin?” Mickey asked looking at his brother.

 

 

“Well we wanted to know if you are sure that you’re making the right decision here. Because you don’t seem invested in a lot things these days unless it’s this car, and well….you’re not you…And with everything that has happened…Well Mick, we’re just worried for you okay.” Collin said to Mickey.

 

 

“What the fuck does that mean I’m not me…” Mickey said looking at both his siblings. “Look I’m me okay, I’m fine.” Mickey said defensively.

 

 

“Oh really? Because when I was getting married to Leah, we were excited. I was; shit man I couldn’t wait for the fucking honey moon. I smiled and I was happy when me and her were just together and not even Married yet…but Mickey you’re not and we see it. We know you’re not and you can’t deny that. It makes us think if even you’re you or whatever man!” Collin said to him

 

 

“Fuck you okay! I’m not all here okay?” Mickey said pointing to his head “I still go to therapy for the shit I see and think about! So fuck you for thinking I’m not me, because if you knew half the shit I did and half the shit I remembered and what I did, you would be spaced out to okay!” Mickey said angrily. “I’m fine, I made my decision and if you don’t like it you both can go fuck you’re selves and not come to the fucking wedding!” Mickey said tossing his tools in his tool box.

 

 

“Wow you really are more fucking stubborn then ever!” Mandy said and Mickey looked at now and gave her the finger. “Why are you marrying Colt? Huh? I mean really give me an explanation at least, as to why you rather be miserable and not happy? Than be happy and free with whoever? Whether it’s with Ian or not Ian or some other guy; why are you marrying someone you’re clearly not happy with?”

 

 

Mickey shot Mandy a look. “I am happy, yah just don’t see it!” Mickey snaps back at her.

 

 

“No you’re not!” Collin said stepping in between the two and walks up to his brother. “Mickey, you don’t see it, because you’re denying it. Just like with you disorder in the beginning remember…..Just like how we all did, but you…” Collin said shaking his head. “Mick can you really look me in the eyes and say you love Colt; that he’s the best thing ever…or better yet.” Collin said taking a step back to really look at his brother and says. “Can you say you want to get married? Can you honestly say to us or to me or rather yourself; and picture yourself with him being married? Till death do you part right? Why rush it? Why not stay engaged? I mean that’s the best part of a relationship of what you go through with your partner is before getting married, is being engaged! Testing the waters out on how marriage life will be.” Collin said to Mickey seriously yet softly. He wanted his little brother to sink in the reality of marriage and what beauty it really has.

 

 

Mickey looks at Collin, then Mandy before shutting his tool box and kicking it to the side “Look, I’m marrying Colt, because he’s been there for me. He didn’t leave when he should have, when he could have. God knows I did so much shit to make him leave, but he didn’t. He loves me and always has okay, so why can’t I just do this and make everyone happy?  Him included okay, he deserves to be happy! I know you guys don’t like him, but it’s safe to be with Colt okay!” Mickey said out loud not meaning to say that last part. Even he was shock that he just said that out loud.

 

 

“What’d you mean it’s safe Mick?” Collin asked

 

 

“Nothing…I mean nothing by it aight.” Mickey says now walking to the back office.

 

 

Mandy had signalled for Collin to stay back as she goes to speak to her brother now and try to find out what he meant by it being safe to be with Colt. “Mick?” Mandy said knocking on his door.

 

 

Mickey was annoyed and tired with his siblings badgering him about Colt and his decision to be with him. “Whaaat Mandy?” Mickey said tiredly

 

 

“What did you mean by that it’s safe to be with Colt? What does that mean Mick?” Mandy asked him, getting straight to the point.

 

 

Mickey looks at Mandy than looks away as he sat down on his desk. He still wasn’t looking at her as the room was silent for a moment. He was just spacing out now with his head tilted to the right. Then he just spoke to her like it was nothing and yet as it was everything to him. “I just don’t…I mean.” Mickey huffed out annoyingly as he was trying to explain what he wanted to explain, but couldn’t find the best words to make Mandy or anyone understand. “He’s been there okay? And yeah so has Ian…but Nick wasn’t in a relationship with Ian first, I was with Colt first before Ian. I promised Colt that we would start over and building something Mands, I promised him we could try...I married Ian.” He said now looking at her sadly. “And do you know how heartbroken Colt was? We got into a fight about it, and he was so crushed. I had told him before everything that happened that no I didn’t want get married to him and that I didn’t believe in marriage, and then here comes me fucking marrying another guy. Even if it was Nick it was me Mandy! Me!” Mickey said now pointing to himself “Mands, I owe it to him to give back to him some kind of happiness….Plus Ian will be better off without being with someone who’s damaged as I am….Mandy that’s all I am! Don’t you get it; that’s all I am, I’m damaged goods, and Ian deserves someone who’s better than that, and not me!” Mickey said looking at his sister dead in his eyes as he eyes become glassy with tears threatening to fall down his face.

 

 

Mandy looks at brother sadly as she speaks to him. “Mickey you’re not damaged goods or some shit? You’re more than that Mick! Can’t you see that from everything you’ve been through?” she tells him more than asking him.

 

 

Mickey shakes his head at her and gives her a small sad smile. “Mandy yes I am!…Ian fell in love with Nick…he didn’t fall in love with me. He still probably is in love with Nick and it just seems like it’s me when it’s not!” Mickey said to her and sighs. “I mean fuck Mandy who would want me after everything….Huh? ......I willingly used men and woman whenever I wanted. When Nick was out, I slept with whoever; did whatever drugs were out there! Shit Mandy I had put a fucking needle in my arm! Did you know that! Huh! Just some of Nicks beautiful little secrets he’s kept to himself…..and I was lucky I didn’t get anything….I’m a fucking product of child pornography! Of rape, of abuse!”  He shouted out to her with tears threatening even more to come out if his eyes. His heart was conflicted and is mind was tired. Emotionally he was drained. It was as if he felt all the pain in the world hit him, and no matter how bad that pain was all he could do was try and hold it in. A mask was something he learned to do and have…thanks to Nick. However, Mickey wasn’t don’t explaining himself yet, so he just let it out. And it came out like a rush of waves hit the ocean rock. Wave after, wave after wave.

 

 

“Our Sperm donor took me and used me okay… Practically sold me whenever he wanted….who wants that? Shit, I don’t even want me. I wish to god or whatever power in this fucking fucked up world of the universe that I couldn’t feel what I feel. That I could just move on and not feel! No, Ian deserves better than me. He deserves someone who can give him what he wants emotionally and physically. He doesn’t need to take care of me, and he doesn’t want me to take care of him either. What Ian needs is for someone who’s better than me! Colt needs me to take care of him now…He stood around and tried to help me, so now I have to do the same…I can’t just leave him high and dry as much as I” Mickey said stopping suddenly. “….FUCK!” Mickey said looking away and got up from the desk and held on to his chain as he continues to talk. “He will leave me any way…” Mickey said lowly sounding small. “Ian will leave once he knows he’s made a mistake and guess what Mands?” Mickey said looking up at his sister. “I don’t think I can take that pain. I rather him be with someone who he knows he will love forever. Someone who I know won’t hurt him, and that someone who is good enough for him and not damaged as me. Plus what I feel Mandy is not my own feelings, they’re just there because of the integration. But they will soon leave and be gone…Why would I hurt someone I care for like that…It just best if he finds someone better…someone who can do better for him…I’m nothing.” Mickey said holding hard onto the ring that was on the neckless he wore and never took off.

 

 

Mandy was quiet and her face was hard. She really did hate hearing her brother talk about himself as if he was nothing. Because Mickey was so much more, and he was far from nothing. “So Colt’s what? You think Colt’s you’re fucking responsibility to you or some shit? You think because of what you went through that the only person that deserves you is him, because what? Hum?” Mandy said raising her eyes brows. Mickey was about to say something to her, but she didn’t let him speak. “You’re damaged?” She said not asking as she squints her eyes at her brother and shakes her head at him. “Mickey you’re not damaged, you’re wounded, and when you’re wounded you fucking fight! Just because Colt has been there and hasn’t left you, doesn’t mean he’s good for you, or is the one person you need to spend the rest of your life with! You think because of what happened to you; everything that happened to you that you deserve someone who doesn’t love you for you. If you think Colt sees you the way Ian does, then you’re fucking crazier than ever….Mickey you deserve so much more. Ian loves you for you no matter what you think okay. He wouldn’t leave you. He loves you and not just an image of you because of Nick…He loves you and wants you to be happy and always feel loved. He wouldn’t leave you or regret you for anything in the world. Not with the way he looks at you and worships you like your fucking god man.” She said to him firmly

 

 

“Mandy ….I have to play it safe.” Was all that Mickey can say to her.

 

 

“Safe for who Mickey? For Colt or for you? Because from what I’m seeing you’re scared of you’re feelings. You’re scared of those feelings you have for Ian because their your own, and not your alters.” Mandy says to Mickey; who just stands staring at her staying silent. He didn’t know what to say to that, he didn’t want to say anything. He just didn’t want to say anything to that statement because a part of him didn’t know what he was feeling anymore. Mickey walks around his desk and is playing with his chain on his neck not looking at his sister yet.

 

 

Mandy was observing Mickey closely, not taking her eyes off her brother. She sees him playing with the chain neckless he has on, there’s a white gold ring on it. That was his old wedding band he and Ian shared. Ian still had his as well and just like Mickey, it was on a chain along with his dog tags. “How long have you had feelings for Ian Mickey? And I’m talking about before the integration happened. Have you had feelings for Ian since before then?” Mandy asked him.

 

                                           

Mickey shakes his head as he speaks. “No…no okay, me and Ian, no; I told you what I feel and why okay……so can we please drop it.” Mickey says to her and looks away from her.

 

 

Mandy nodded her head and drops the subject, leaving Mickey alone in the office. It didn’t take long for her and Collin to leave, so now he as all alone again with his thoughts in mind. He was thinking of what and how to move on from this.

 

******

 

When Mickey got home from the shop he was exhausted, but something to him felt off. Like not right. He was tired from work, but instead of going to bed after coming home and showering, he went into the back room. For some reason he felt different in his own house. But back here in this room, this was a place of escape for Mickey, and he felt that. Mickey turns on his computer and started playing music. He just closed his eyes and let the music take him. He stood there in his chair just listening to the music that played and got lost in it. After words he then gets up and goes over to his piano. At first he started messing with it, but then he started playing with the piano and found himself playing a song from John Mayer Dreaming with a broken heart. He then found himself singing and getting lost in the song as well.

 

_When you’re dreaming with a broken heart,_

_The waking up is the hardest part_

_You roll out of bed and down on your knees_

_And for a moment you can hardly breathe_

_Wondering was she really here_

_Is she standing in my room?_

_No he’s not (Mickey found himself changing the song as he played it)_

_Causes he’s gone, gone, gone, gone, gone_

_When you’re dreaming with a broken heart,_

_The giving up is the hardest part_

 

_He takes you in with his crying eyes_

_Then all at once you have to say goodbye_

_Wondering, could you stay my love?_

_Will you wake up by my side?_

_No he can’t_

_Cause he’s gone, gone, gone, gone, gone_

 

Mickey couldn't finish singing the song so he just played it and when he got to the last of the verse he sang quietly to himself. “The waking up is the hardest part.” He gets up from his chair and goes over to bathroom, closes the door and left the outside world alone. He turns on the shower and stands in it for an hour. Once he felt better he got out of the shower and got dressed, but went back into the back room again.

 

 

Mickey ended up spending most of the evening in the back room. He played everything and listened to whatever. It was as if he was doing it for the first time ever. When he was done with the music he then decides that he wanted to do something different. So he takes out the paint that he had stored away and took out a canvas that he had. OF course it was Nick that had all this, but Mickey didn’t think like that anymore. He couldn’t really, because Nick was him and he was Nick. He wanted to break out of his mind and stop thinking of everything. So why not paint and listen to music right?

 

 

When he takes out the paint, he puts it on his hands and begins laughing all of a sudden. He then looks at the canvas and threw the paint on it. He just started throwing paint and was laughing to himself. He didn’t want think so this was something to do. It was a way to not think of anything; not to think of Ian, or of Colt, or of the wedding. To not feel the stress, and pressure. To especially not think of what happened to him as a kid, or the fact that he’s going to therapy and dealing with everything. This was Mickey way of staying his ground and being free as much as he could be. After he’s done and looks up at what he did, he just laughs again to himself. He had more paint on him then on the canvas, but he didn’t feel stress, he didn’t feel lonely, or sad, or in pain, or anything. What he did feel was that he was free. What he felt was enjoyment of just having fun and doing something different that didn’t involve him thinking. He smiled and had tears coming down his face, because for the first time in a long time, he felt like he was able to control something again.

 

************

 

Mickey cleans himself up the best way he could, and after-words he goes to his computer and stereo system. He starts playing some music that was much heavier, he turns up the volume of his music and sat at the window seal ignoring the world and everything around him as he starts to draw. He didn’t know what he was drawing but he was in the zone.

 

 

Just then as he’s focus on what he’s drawing, his music suddenly stops and he looks up. Colt is standing right next to his computer “What the fuck Colt?” Mickey said to him with some heat behind his voice.

 

 

“What? That shit is too loud Mickey. Plus since when are you into house and techno music. Shit sounds horrible.” Colt said looking at Mickey oddly.

 

 

Mickey looks at Colt and gives him a disgusted face. “Fuck you okay. I made that music.” Mickey said putting his drawing book down and walking over to his computer shutting it down so that Colt didn’t get on it. “Don’t touch my shit every again!” he said and walks out the room not saying a word to Colt.

 

 

Colt follows Mickey out of the room into the sala. “What the fuck is your problem now? God I swear everyday it’s like you get more rude and angry, or you just do shit that you’ve never done before.” Colt said Mickey annoyingly.

 

 

“It’s called being me Colt, you gotta problem with that?” Mickey said challenging him.

 

 

“Fuck you Mickey. I’m just telling you what’s up okay. Plus when we move in together things have to change remember.” Colt tells him as a matter of fact.

 

 

“No Colt they don’t have to fucking change okay….and you know what your dick head?” Mickey says to Colt sarcastically. If Colt wanted to start with him then by all means Mickey had no problem with arguing with Colt. Especially with Mandy telling him what he did to Ian.

 

 

Colt loudly threw his hands up in the air “What the fuck? What did I do now to you?” Colt yells out at him.

 

 

Mickey shakes his head at Colt and chuckles. “Fuck you! You know what you did Colt!” Mickey tells him.

 

 

Colt looked at Mickey confused “What the fuck you do mean I know what I did? If I knew that then I wouldn’t be asking you; you asshole!” Colt snaps out at Mickey.

 

 

Mickey laughs at Colt again and shakes his head. “Wow, you really must be that fucking ignorant…You went ahead and you fucking went to Ian’s job and gave him an invite to our wedding! What they fuck possessed you to do some shit like that?” Mickey yells out at Colt, while walking towards him.

 

 

“Well I figured since you guys are friends now, he can come. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with that okay!” Colt said sarcastically to Mickey. “Plus when I showed you the list you said it was fine and Ian’s name was on it.” Colt said to him as a matter of fact.

 

 

Mickey shakes his head at Colt. “No Colt, you still shouldn’t have gone to his job. Who the fuck does that shit?” Mickey said more than asked.

 

 

“Well I do! I don’t get what’s the problem anyway. You wanted to be friends with that ass; yet it’s a problem to invite him to your own wedding!? God I swear sometimes I wonder about this whole new you thing or something. I miss the old Mickey.” Colt said getting up from the sofa.

 

 

Mickey raises his eye brows and gives Colt a ‘are you fucking kidding me’ face. “And what the fuck is that supposed to mean!?” Mickey said yelling at Colt.

 

 

“It means that the old you I kind of miss. And if this marriage is going to work Mickey, then you have to make some changes. Because this is not you! I mean shit I’ve made some changes; I’ve stuck around when others wouldn’t. Anyone would have left your ass a long time ago, but I stuck around!” Colt says while making his way to the kitchen leaving Mickey in the sala alone by himself.

 

 

Mickey storms into the kitchen looking at Colt in disbelief. “Did you really just say that to me?” Mickey asked Colt, because he knows he must have heard wrong.

 

 

Colt looks over at Mickey and shrugs his shoulders at him before he spoke. “Look, I know with the wedding coming up your stressed, but so am I Mick. Maybe we should just cool it for a while yeah? Plus you need to sort out your own shit. And yeah….I miss the old you, I’m not going to lie.” Colt says pushing past Mickey and leaves the apartment. Mickey is left standing there in shock alone. What Colt just said to him shocked him, because he didn’t expect him to say that to him…but then again in the back of Mickey’s mind he wasn’t surprised.

 

 

Mickey stood in the kitchen for a few more minutes then goes back into the sala. He just stands there looking at everything around him. He was alone yet there was this feeling. For some reason he was happy that he was alone again inside of his apartment. He went to his front door to close and lock it. He was sure Colt wasn’t going to come back tonight. And he didn’t care if he did or didn’t. Mickey goes back into his room; he gets out his guitar and begins to play it. Getting lost again was something he’s recently learned to do more and more often.

 

***********

 

Of course Mandy finding out about what happened with Ian and Mickey was a bad thing. She was upset about the whole thing in general. She was upset at her brother for being a moron and she was upset at Ian for being Ian in making the stupid decision he was about to make. Mandy didn’t want to get in the middle of it, but then again she couldn’t help but see how dead Ian’s eyes look whenever they hung out. Or how miserable and sad her brother was every time she looked at him. So when Ian told her his decision that he was going to leave Chicago, you can image how pissed off she was even more at him and Mickey.

 

 

“You can’t fucking do this Ian! Just hold on and wait a little longer okay?” Mandy said to Ian knowing that she was being selfish to even ask something like that.

 

 

“Mandy I don’t want to wait! I want to leave and that’s final” Ian said to her with some heat behind his voice.

 

 

But Mandy wasn’t backing down without a fight. “So running off back into the military is the answer. You said it yourself that your transfer to New York should be good in a few months since you requested it. Just wait and hold on Ian.” Mandy said to him in somewhat of a pled

 

 

“No!....If I stay here….Mands I can’t okay. Debbie will understand, she has to and you have to as well.” Ian says to her.

 

 

Mandy looks at Ian for a few moments studying him before she speaks. “This is because Mickey’s getting married in a week isn’t.” Mandy says to Ian looking at him not expecting him to answer at all. Ian looks at her and turns away. Mandy got her answer from the silence alone. Ian didn’t need to say anything at all.

 

 

No one knew it, but it turned out that Mickey had been so consumed with what happened between him and Ian; that all he did was do things for the wedding and agree with Colt on everything. He didn’t really have an input on things, he just said yeah and agreed. It was as if he was a zombie. He tried to reach out to Ian and apologize, but the red head man refused to acknowledge him. And of course it hurt Ian, but what else could he do? So he just pushed Mickey away, and it was what he had to do in order to break free and let Mickey go.

 

 

“……Mandy, I don’t want be here when he gets married…… (Ian is silent for a moment before he speaks again) It’s bad enough fucking Colt came to my job and personally” Ian says and turns around to her to look at her dead in her eyes. “Fucking personally Mandy, that mother fucker invited me to-their wedding asking if I had a plus one…” Ian said emotionally “A plus fucking one….really Mandy? Do you have any idea what self-control it took for me to not beat his ass or even shoot him?” Ian hissed out at her.

 

 

“Yes I do I was there remember!” Mandy says and sighs as she runs her hands through her hair. “Ian…look, I get it ok. If the love of my life was making a huge fucking mistake, I wouldn’t want to be near him either. But I would fight for him. Stop the wedding or some shit!” Mandy said to him firmly.

 

 

“Oh yeah and what the fuck did you think I was doing Mandy? Playing with my dick! Look I told him how I felt about him, that I want to be with him……shit I even told him we can go anywhere even to the fucking moon or mars and shit. He knows I want to be with him... But he doesn’t want me Mands.” Ian said sadly to Mandy.

 

 

“Yeah but does he know you love him….like love him, love him Ian.” Mandy said and Ian looked at her like she was crazy.

 

 

“Of course he knows I love him Mandy. Why would you think that?” Ian asked her “Why did he say anything to you?” Ian said quickly questioning her.

 

 

“No he didn’t have to say anything Ian. But think about it okay…Maybe he’s scared, maybe he thinks that you’re feelings for him are really for Nick-And before you say anything I know there not……but does my brother know there not? Does he know your feelings are for him and not Nick? Plus Mickey is stubborn and hard headed; sometimes he can think he’s making the right decision when he’s not. He may or may not have said something to me about needing to protect you from him….so Ian No….I don’t think Mickey knows how much you love him, and it’s killing him inside! I know it is!” Mandy tells Ian.

 

 

Ian still didn’t say anything, so Mandy continues to speak. “He’s not happy. I go over there and Colt’s there talking about the wedding and telling Mickey how everything is going to happen and setting everything up. Mickey gives him this fake smile and it’s like he’s trying to be someone he’s not……Ian my brother isn’t happy and isn’t free; if anything he’s trapping himself and thinks that’s the right thing to do because for some stupid reason he thinks he owe it to Colt. And he thinks he owe it to you to let you go and be happy.” Mandy tells Ian.

 

 

Ian stood still for a moment, thinking over everything. “I don’t know Mands……if he can’t admit the truth to himself, then he can’t to me……and if he thinks he owes Colt something and feels that; then that’s his choice. And his choice was obligation over love……and well I don’t know what to do with that.” Ian said to her and he looks down at his hand to notice he’s wearing his wedding band. He took it off his chain today and put it on. “I’m just tired of fighting a losing battle.” Ian finally says to her as he continues on handling some paper work to give to Debbie.

 

 

Mandy didn’t say anything more to Ian. Instead, she just stood there looking at Ian handle his paper work and move around her, as he was picking things up and putting them away. For the rest of the night they both didn’t speak about anything that was about him leaving or Mickey and Colt. It was better not to speak about it anyways.

 

***********************

 

Mickey had decided that he needed to go over to Ians house and talk to him……In all honesty he really did missed him. They were supposed to be friends and he just missed him, and he wanted to apologies for what Colt did a week ago. Right now, Mickey was supposed to meeting his fiancé for a few things for the wedding and to help make sure things were ready for the reception party that was happening in two days, but right now……Right now that didn’t matter to Mickey; because for some reason he really wanted to see Ian to make things right between them. Ian has to not hate Mickey, and Mickey has to try and make amends. He has to try.

 

 

Mickey pulls up to Ian’s house; he walks up to the door and is hesitant to knock on the door. But right now he doesn’t know what to do? Should he knock, should he not knock? Mickey huffed. “Fuck it.” Mickey said to himself and knocks on Ian’s door.

 

 

There was no answer at first, so Mickey knocks harder and still nothing. He can hear someone in the house because there was a noise coming from inside. But nothing-no one was coming to the door. Mickey then takes a chance and took his keys out. They were Nicks, when he lived here, and he never gave them back when he was fully integrated. Mickey then takes the keys from his key chain and unlocks the front door.

 

 

Mickey walks in the front door and it had been so long since he been here to really appreciated it all. So many memories came back to him; like Nick running around the house away from Ian, or that time when Ian tried to get Nick to eat healthy and Nick flung his food at Ian laughing. Or the time when they got caught having sex by Debbie on the sofa, then the stair case, then the table in the kitchen. Mickey laughed to himself when Debbie had threatened them both. There was this one memory Mickey loved a lot. The time when Nick just wanted to stay home and watch movies with Ian all day and be couch potatoes.

 

 

Mickey walks further into the sala and is thinking of what to tell Ian and remembering so much. He felt so safe and happy, but then his thoughts are taken away from him when Ian steps in his view of sight. And for a moment, both men just look at each other and say nothing. That is until-

 

 

 “What are you doing here?” Ian asked Mickey looking at him confusingly

 

 

Mickey was nervous to see Ian. Nervous at how he will act towards him, but he wanted to talk to him and gain some common ground with him. “I um…I wanted to come over and see how you were.” Mickey says to Ian.

 

 

“I’m fine Mickey…what do you want?” Ian says coldly to Mickey.

 

 

Mickey unintentionally flinches at Ian’s tone of voice. He’s never heard him speak to him like that before. “I……I just-Look Ian I’m sorry for what Colt did okay? That was uncalled for and I want you know that I didn’t want him to do that. In fact I didn’t even ask him to do that.” Mickey tells Ian.

 

 

Ian looks at Mickey a shrugs his shoulders as if he doesn’t care anymore. Something Mickey didn’t miss and noticed. “Okay……so is that all, because if it is you can go now.” Ian said to Mickey, not giving him a care in the world.

 

 

Mickey’s slightly hurt by the way Ian is acting, but he feels he deserves it, but he still wants to make amends with Ian and be friends. He has to have Ian in his life; it just felt wrong without him being there. “Ian…please just talk to me okay. I’m sorry for hurting you, and I don’t want you to be mad at me anymore!” Mickey says to Ian sadly. When Ian didn’t say anything Mickey, Mickey decided to speak again. “Ian…Please, I’m sorry.”

 

 

“It doesn’t matter anymore Mick…I’m leaving soon anyway. Like I said I’m gone leaving Chicago.” Ian tells Mickey

 

 

Mickey looks at Ian with wide eyes and shakes his head. “Ian…Ian don’t fucking do this man. I’m sorry okay we can figure this out somehow and be friends.” Ian still didn’t say anything to Mickey, so Mickey continued to talk. “I’m sorry…don’t leave because of this. Please.” Mickey says to him pleading.

 

 

Ian looks at Mickey coldly. “I’m sorry too Mick” he says coldly to Mickey. “I don’t even know why you’re here right now. I just don’t know how to do this anymore Mickey.” Ian expresses out loud and turns away from Mickey.

 

 

Mickey turns Ian around and speaks to him angrily. “And you think I do? But I can’t stand the thought of not seeing you, or not reading your stupid fucking text message or even talking to you. You know how hard it’s been t not see your random text message or not even hang out?! Please just don’t go…. Just don’t leave!” Mickey said pleading to Ian

 

                   

“I can’t… I just can’t and the only way I know to get over you and not think of you every single fucking moment of everyday is to leave Mickey. To have nothing to do with you! The only reason why I’m still here right now is because I’m waiting for Debbie to give me answer on if she’s gonna go with me or not. She made me promise her not to leave her here. So I will be here for maybe two week, but then I’m gone and we leave…and then maybe only then would I be able to stop myself from going insane that I can’t have you!” Ian shouted out to Mickey.

 

 

“I (Mickey huffed) If I could change this Ian I would!” Mickey said to him

 

 

“But you’re not! For Christ sacks Mickey you can change this, you could but you’re not! But you Mickey you chose not to okay. You sure as hell didn’t choose me. So I have to wait here because I have no fucking choice okay! If it wasn’t for Debbie right now I would gone.” Ian tells Mickey

 

 

“You know I can’t do that, I can’t do this right now okay…I’m trying to figure out what to do so I don’t hurt anyone!” Mickey said to him

 

 

“Yeah well can’t help you there.” Ian said sarcastically and then looks at Mickey while shaking his head “I can’t do this Mick.” Ian said defeated

 

 

“It’s just…it seems final and I just… It’s real and I don’t-” Mickey started to say but Ian cuts him off.

 

 

“I told you to make a choice!” Ian said firmly giving Mickey a hard look.

 

 

“I know I know you did.” Mickey said weakly

 

 

“So unless you changed your mind?” Ian asked waiting for mickey to answer

 

 

“I……It wouldn’t be fair to just change my mind okay?” Mickey then said to Ian, which seemed to not be the best answer.

 

 

Ian looks at Mickey like he is crazy. His emotions are everywhere at this point. “F-Fair FAIR! Mickey HOW THE FUCK IS ANY OF THIS IS FAIR! YOU’RE ASKING ME TO STAY AND DO WHAT MICKEY! HUH! EXACTLY WHAT THE FUCK IS FAIR TO YOU!” Ian yells out at Mickey.

 

 

Mickey yells back at Ian in response. “NOTHING! NONE OF-this is fair Ian! You don’t fucking think I know that! That I don’t know; No matter who I fucking chose or what I do somebodies going to get hurt and no matter what I do!”

 

 

“So-what it’s easier for you to hurt me-“ Ian shouts back at Mickey as Mickey is talking.

 

 

“Easier!? Easier Ian!? Are you fucking kidding me!?” Mickey shouts back at Ian now.

 

 

“Why are you even here Mickey huh? What do you want from me?” Ian said coldly to Mickey.

 

 

And Mickey hates how Ian is speaking to him; like he was nothing to him anymore. “I wanted to apologize for what Colt did, he had no right……but I also wanted to tell you not to leave Ian….please I don’t have no one else. And I……I-I didn’t want-” Mickey tries to say but looks away for a moment and then looks back at Ian. He’s not able to get out what he wants to say to Ian.

 

 

Ian was already hurting and now being here with Mickey was making him just frustrated with everything all over again. If Mickey wanted to say something then he should just say it. What the fuck was he waiting for? No, No instead Ian was going to ask him exactly what was on his mind, maybe then Mickey would get a clear view of how much he’s hurting Ian just by being here. “What is it Mickey? Huh, do you like hurting me! Do you fucking enjoy see me hurt or what? Do you like that you have some fucking fucked up hold on me! That you can just fucking pull me in and play with my emotions like it’s nothing and hurt me!?” Ian asked coldly to Mickey fighting back his own tears and becoming more angry at Mickey.

 

 

Mickey’s reaction to Ian’s words hurt him and it showed. Mickey shakes his head. “No-no Ian I” Mickey said but didn’t get to finish because Ian cut him off.

 

 

Ian didn’t let Mickey finish, he didn’t want to hold back anymore. So he cut Mickey off mid-sentence. “Do you like seeing me love you and have you kick me down like I’m fucking nothing……DO you like to see me hurt and pine over you knowing damn well I can’t fucking have you because your with that prick! If you don’t want me then LEAVE! LEAVE AND GET THE HELL OUT OF MY LIFE!...(Ian screams out at Mickey) You know what Mick; Do you know how much it kills me to be next to you, yet you’re here and I can’t have you… And all you’re doing right now is fucking stabbing me more and more! You get to fucking watch just how the fucking knife twist into me…Into my heart; It’s like a fucking bullet in my heart and that pain….that shit is unbearable.” Ian says as his voice cracks at the end.

 

 

The room goes silent for a moment and then Mickey speaks as he sheds a tear and shaking his head at Ian. “You know  _why Ian”_

 

 _And that response just gets Ian even more upset._ _“WHY_  HUH? ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION MICKEY!” Ian shouted out at Mickey.

 

 

“Because I don’t want you to go and throw your life away because of me Ian; But I don’t want lose! Either! I don’t want you to leave me!” Mickey said

 

 

“LOSE ME! Mickey WHAT LIFE DO I HAVE!” Ian said “If I stay here, I don’t have you, and I’m just going to want you all the time; and knowing damn well that I can’t fucking have you! (Ian takes a moment to breathe and calm down before he speaks again) What kind of Life do I have here waiting for me!?” Ian tells Mickey more than asking him.

 

 

“With re-enlisting Ian, you’re gonna leave and then what? …” Mickey asked him.

 

 

“Re-enlisting huh; well that’s a life (Ian said sarcastically) and guess what I rather be out there in the field then be here with you!” Ian says with so much venom in his voice towards Mickey.

 

 

As much as that last comment hurt Mickey, he ignores it and continues to talk to Ian. “Well why would you go back; using me as an exhaust to leave; great fucking job Ian” Mickey said angrily. “… You left the military and you have a career here now okay. You’re a cop, what are you gonna do then when something bad happens to you” Mickey asked Ian trying to make him stay.

 

 

Ian didn’t want answer the question; he didn’t want tell Mickey that at this moment he didn’t care about himself or anything. Things just hurt too much to feel. So avoiding the question, Ian changed the question on Mickey. “You know why you’re really here… Guess what? Because I fucking do; you Mickey Alexis Milkovich can’t stand the thought of living your life without me in it. You wanna keep tabs on me, you wanna make sure if I’m seeing anyone and you wanna see if I would still want you in case anything happens between you and your little fuck boy……” Ian says coldly to Mickey. Ian’s face expression changes when he speaks again and it becomes something Mickey had never seen before. “Well GUESS WHAT MICK!? YOU LOST THAT RIGHT TO CARE ABOUT ME! TO EVEN THINK ABOUT ME, OR TO EVEN THINK ABOUT TAKING AN INTEREST IN ME THE DAY YOU CHOSE COLT OVER ME!” Ian says screaming at Mickey while he gets in front of his face.

 

 

“Well I can’t stop caring about you!” Mickey shouted back at Ian, as his eyes become water and his vision becomes blurry. He’s trying so hard not to cry in front of Ian but what Ian says next to Mickey makes his tears come out.

 

 

“FUCK YOU! I DON’T CARE ANYMORE! DO IT SOME WHERE ELSE MICKEY! CARE ABOUT ME SOMEWHERE ELSE…Colt might be able to love half of you but  _I’m CAN’T!_   You have to choose Mickey. You can’t fucking have Colt and Me! You can’t ask me to stay and be fucking okay with you being married to him; and then to have me here stuck looking at you two!” Ian shouted at Mickey

 

 

“That’s not what I’m doing here.” Mickey chocks out saying while having tears come down his face.

 

 

Ian calms himself down a bit and steps back looking at Mickey. “Oh yeah then what are you doing here? You want us to be friends?” Ian says and shrugs his shoulders as he talks again. “How the fuck is that supposed to work Mickey, we tried that and it failed horribly remember.”

 

 

Mickey tries to calm himself down as he speaks to Ian. “Well, we can at least try something or some other way Ian.” Mickey said weakly to Ian.

 

 

Ian turns to look at Mickey as if he’s lost his mind yet again. “In what fucking Universe Mickey can we try huh? You choose! You choose what you wanted! Get that threw your fucking head okay, you choose Colt; and now that I’m making a choice, and choosing not to be anywhere near _you_ ; you wanna what!? Fight me on this? Are you fucking out of your mind?” Ian said firmly to Mickey.

 

 

That last comment hurt Mickey, but he tried not to let it show that it did; however he failed miserably. “You can’t be serious.” Mickey said miserably to Ian.

 

 

Ian wants to almost apologize to Mickey, but right now he can’t and won’t. “Like hell I can’t! What!? You thought that you were gonna come in here and waltz’s in and we would be fucking best friends?! Be fucking best pals or some shit! I’m not happy OKAY!” Ian says to Mickey and begins to yell at him as he continues on talking. “YOU CHOOSE TO STOP LOVING ME! YOU CHOOSE NOT TO LOVE ME, AND YOU THINK YOU CAN FUCKIN-” Ian says midsentence but is cut off.

 

 

Mickey cuts Ian off and yells back at him. “Shut UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP OKAY. I DIDN’T CHOOSE TO STOP LOVING YOU BECAUSE IM STILL IN LOVE WITH YOU; YOU STUPID FUCK! WHAT IF I CHOOSE YOU OKAY, FINE I CHOOSE YOU!” Mickey yells out at Ian and his voice hitches up. “Do you think that Colt is going to be any-less hurt Ian?!” Mickey says more than ask.

 

 

Ian looks at Mickey and tries to calm himself down for a few seconds before he responds to Mickey. Ian sighs, turns around and walks further into his kitchen and then turns to look at Mickey as he speaks to him a bit more calmly then before. “I’m not gonna argue with you okay? I’m telling you finally what I want, what you want! Mickey you choose obligation, duty over love ……over love!” Ian says to Mickey who is remains quiet. Mickey looks over at Ian sadly and puts his head down. SO Ian continues on speaking when Mickey doesn’t respond to him. “Just admit it… Admit it before I leave; at least do that for me please.”

 

 

Mickey still didn’t speak, not one word; he just stands there looking hurt and confused at Ian. So Ian continued on to speak, but his angry got the best of him. “I WANNA SURVIVE!” Ian shouts out to Mickey. “I CANT EVEN LOOK AT YOU! I CANT FUCKING TOUCH YOU, OR TELL YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU BECAUSE YOUR WITH HIM! HIM MICKEY! DON’T YOU GET IT! I LOST A PIECE OF MYSELF AND I’M AFRIAID OF MYSELF AND WHAT I WOULD DO!” Ian yells out face red. “I’M AFRAID THAT I WILL MAKE YOU SPLIT AND YOU’LL HATE ME FOR THAT!” Ian rants off to Mickey. Neither one of them says anything; for a few moments the room remains silent…… Then Ian finally speaks again. “Mick…I rather be dead right now, then hurt the way I do. I rather just leave and let you be and let go.” Ian said lowly and was trying hard not to break down and cry.

 

 

“So you’re doing this for me.” Mickey said sadly.

 

 

Ian shakes his head “NO! I’m doing this for ME…” Ian said firmly “I’m doing this because I have to live some way without you.”

 

 

“Ian… No…okay listen-Ian just tell me what you want me to do…I’ll-I’ll-I’ll fix it somehow someway just don’t leave don’t go and re-enlist please!” Mickey pleads with him

 

 

Ian runs his hands through his hair and pulls on it in frustration. It just felt like he was going in circle over and over again with Mickey and nothing was letting up. Apparently Mickey wasn’t getting it clearly enough. So Ian figured he might as well go big or go home. “I WANT YOU! DON’T YOU GET IT? I WANT TO BE WITH YOU, I WANT TO WAKE UP NEXT TO YOU, I WANT TO TELL YOU EVERY MORNING HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU AND SHOW YOU THAT I LOVE YOU! BUT…I…CAN’T…FUCKING-HAVE-YOU!” Ian says and begins to pace around going from the kitchen to the sala. He then goes up to the wall yells as he punched it. “I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE!” Ian says and punches the wall again for the second time with so much more force than before. He then slides down against the wall and covers his face with his hands.

 

 

Mickey notices Ian is bleeding from his knuckles and goes to him. “IAN shit!” Mickey says as he walks towards Ian to kneel down right in front of him. “Ian” Mickey says in a whisper.

 

 

“Please go Mickey……Just go please.” Ian says exhaustedly and tired.

 

 

“No” Mickey says and stays kneeling down in front of Ian as he tries to take Ian’s hand to see the damage he’s done to himself. Ian moves his hand away from Mickey, but mickey tries to grab his hand again taking it. “Please…Just-Can I at least get you some ice for your hand Ian?” Mickey says sadly yet desperately as well to Ian.

 

 

Ian shakes his head as he answer. “No…No-I can take care of myself!” Ian says and removes his hands from Mickeys grasp quickly.

 

 

Mickey is hurt by the gesture but tries not to show it and tries to talk to Ian again. “Please Ian…I know you don’t want things to be this way between me and you.”

 

 

Ian now looks at Mickey and sees the tears in his eyes. “You left me no choice” Ian says to Mickey “…and I made mine okay. I choose to be without you……so please for the love of god, just go Mickey.” Ian says weakly to him and gets up from where he was at and goes to the refrigerator to get some ice for his hand.

 

 

Mickey looks over at Ian sadly and gets up slowly from the floor. He braces himself for a second; then he tries to talk. “I’m sorry…I’m sorry that I made this so hard for you Ian. I want you to know that you won’t ever see me again. And um…but if you change your mind or anything… I’ll be here okay.” Mickey tells Ian as he lets the tears from his eyes fall down his face, as he stands far away from Ian.

 

 

Ian doesn’t have to look at Mickey, to know that he’s crying; and it does hurts him just as much, but he has to heal and leave. “Goodbye Mickey” Ian finally says to Mickey, still not looking at him. Ian closing his eyes tight, trying hard not to let the tears in his eyes fall down his face.

 

 

Mickey nods his head and walks over to the door. It’s like he’s on auto piolet; he goes to open the door and heads out without saying a word. He walks down the stairs of the house he use to live in and takes another look before he gets in his car and leaves. To say he felt empty was an understatement, he felt lost and alone and he just didn’t know how to deal with the empty feeling he was feeling now.

 

 

The ride to his apartment hurt, it hurt so much to be leaving Ian hurt, and Mickey knew he should go back and tell him he’s sorry and that he will be with him. But everything is said and done. Ian made his choice and he doesn’t want to be in Mickey’s life because he chooses to stay with Colt. So why does he feel like his heart just got taken into the meat chopper… why choose obligation over desire, over love Ian said. And know Mickey’s just more lost than he was before.

 

***************

 

It was almost a week to the day that everything happened with Ian and Mickey. It was the day before the wedding. Today was the day that Mickey and Colt were going to have their rehearsal dinner. Mandy tried to get Ian to go and stop everything and profess his undying love for Mickey in front of everyone. She even said “Come on; It will be like a fucking fairytale thing. Only except you might get to beat the shit out of Colt, which I don’t even think anyone would be upset about….not even his parents I think. Well maybe, not to sure about that!” She told Ian. That made Ian laugh, but he didn’t want go. He couldn’t; seeing Mickey with Colt the day before their stupid wedding and then being around them acting all happy. No, it wouldn’t be right to ruin their day as much as Ian wanted to just go take Mickey and run away with him. Mickey made his choice. He wanted to be with Colt and not him. It is what it is. He couldn’t stay any longer and that was going to hurt big time, but it needed to be done.

 

 

At the moment right now, Debbie was talking to Ian. He’s trying his best to listen to her, but he’s distracted by something. He talked to his commanding officer today, and they wanted him to report to North Carolina by Wednesday to start everything again and get the ball rolling with him reenlisting. Ian was figuring he can drive there and take his time getting there. He was going to have a new life; a life without Mickey. He hurt too much to think, but it was what he needed to do. Ian hadn’t told Debbie that he decided to go back and re-enlist. It was the best thing for him. He needed to do this he kept telling himself, but his sister will end up hating him for a bit, but not long he hopes. Besides it won’t be long just long enough for him to heal he hopes. Ian’s planning on leaving tonight and leaving a letter for Debbie that he’s written already. It’s best to go now and do it this way. Plus today’s Mickey’s reception and tomorrow the wedding and he rather be on the road back to base then here knowing he can’t have the one thing he loves.

 

 

“Ian did you hear me?” Debbie asked to him snapping him out of his thoughts

 

 

“What? No yeah. I’m just tired Debs. I’m sorry. You need me to drive you to work or something?” Ian asked her.

 

 

“No! I have to go to the store so I’ll be back in like an hour okay. But when I get back we’re talking about why you’re being so weird and shit okay?” She said smiling at him “And we can pig out on ice cream and drink till the next day.” Debbie finally said to Ian, trying and hoping to cheer him up. She knew today was Mickey’s reception and she was invited but declined, because one she knew it would be wrong and two she didn’t like Colt and was upset that Mickey was choosing him over her brother. But she couldn’t get mad at him for it. It was his choice and his alone. But her brother happiness; well that was her job to make sure he would be okay.

 

 

Ian smiled at her “Okay Debs, I’ll be here alright?” Ian tells her, and before she could leave to go to the store. Ian goes up to Debbie and hugs her tight giving her a kiss on her forehead. She did the same to him and left without thinking or knowing what her big brother was going to do next.

 

 

Once Debbie left, Ian got his bags and grabbed his keys.  Ian looks at the door and turns around to go into the kitchen. He leaves the note on the counter for Debbie with his banking information and things she will need while he is gone. He looks around and knows that he can’t live here anymore. Everything here screams Mickey, it screamed how much he loved him, and it reminded him of when he felt alive again. Now he’s dead. Re-enlisting is the best thing Ian can do, and Debbie will understand, she just has to. He refuses to be here anymore.

 

*****************

 

The reception hall was big; there were chairs and tables, decoration and everything. Mickey stepped into the hall and saw everything. It wasn’t something he wanted; he wanted something small and simple, but Colt planned this not him. He was already on the edge since he got up that day.

 

 

First thing Mickey did for the day was go to work, to work on the car. Then he went to therapy and it was interesting one to say the least. It ended with him being prescribed with a different type of antidepressant, which he was reluctant to take yet again, but Dr. Jimenez insisted. She had prescribed Mickey a month ago and Mickey thought he was doing okay. But he really wasn’t; so Dr. Jimenez changed the dosage on the medication and yet again he couldn’t drink and that was a bummer. But what got him even more on the edge was when he came home and Colt was there already waiting for him.

 

 

Mickey walks inside into his apartment and finds that Colt was there waiting for him. He looked like he was getting Mickey’s clothes ready for tonight’s rehearsal dinner. Mickey walked up to Colt and gives him a kiss just before goes into his room. He then takes out his medication from the plastic bag and holds in his hands. He looks at it for a long time; he knew he should take it. After talking with Dr. Jimenez today, she was even more concern for his mental health. Him being depressed and thinking what he was thinking wasn’t healthy. Apparently that was common with individual who had dissociative identity disorder. Mickey opened the bottle and took one pill as instructed and drank water. He didn’t notice Colt was at his looking at him from the other side of the room.

 

 

“What are you doing?” Colt asked

 

 

Mickey turns around to see Colt standing at his door way looking at him. “Oh um” He said as he looks down at the pill bottle. “The doc gave me meds. She said it will help me with my moods and with me being down and shit. Nothing much really.” Mickey shrugs his shoulders as he tells Colt while putting his pill bottle away.

 

 

Colt then walks over to Mickey and takes the pill bottle from the dresser and examined it. “You don’t need this Mick? You’re not depressed.” Colt said looking at Mickey “These pills are for depression Mickey, and you’re not depressed.” Colt said again and walks over to his bed and lays the clothes he wants Mickeys to wear out on the bed.

 

 

Mickey didn’t say anything; he just put the bottle away and turns to look at Colt. “How would you know? You‘re not a fucking doctor.” Mickey says to Colt with a hint of frustration behind his voice.

 

 

Colt looks up at him and sighs. “Look okay, you’re not depressed I know you. Plus I don’t know why you keep going to that doctor if you’re fine now and okay. I mean you’re integrated now right? So why keep going if you’re okay.” Colt said to Mickey.

 

 

Mickey was about to say something but Colt beat him to it. “Look I don’t want to argue about this okay? Today is our rehearsal and we should be happy. Plus those pills are for like a crazy person who is depressed and you my love are not!” Colt said and kissed Mickey on the mouth again. “I’m heading out I’ll see you later on tonight okay?” Colt said and left like nothing.

 

 

Mickey was left just standing there in shock. He shakes his head as he hears the front door close to his apartment. Mickey goes to sit on his bed and looks at the clothes laid out for him. They weren’t his style, not his style anymore. He gets up from his bed and goes into his closet. He looks around for a second and sees what he wants to wear tonight. He takes out a pair of nice black jeans with a nice black button up shirt and he found his black timberland boots. That’s what he was going to wear tonight, fuck that grey and white suit shit. That just didn’t work for him, he wanted to be comfortable.

 

********

 

So now here Mickey was at the place for the rehearsal dinner. He wore exactly what he wanted to. His black jeans, black button up shirt, he spiked up his hair and jell it, and he wore his earing again. Something about it felt right. He was him, and for the first time……he loved it. He walked into the ballroom and saw his brothers and sister standing around talking to one another. He goes over to them and greets them with a small smile on his face. He then looks around and spotted Colt, who also spotted him at the same time. Colt looked upset, but Mickey just smiled at him and went over to him.

 

 

Mickey gives Colt a kiss. “What are you wearing?” Colt asked in a whisper “I thought I put out the clothes you needed to wear for tonight?” He said again lowly.

 

 

Mickey smiles at Colt. “You did…I hated it. Wasn’t comfortable in them, it wasn’t me. So I picked my own shit out. That I can do on my own you know.” Mickey said to Colt sarcastically while winking at him.

 

 

Colt looks at Mickey like he had two head, but calmed himself down and went over to great the other guess at the party that were coming in. He was giving Mickey a glare and indicating he was upset at him. Mickey just shrugged it off and laughed. Why you ask? Why is he laughing? Well because it is funny, and well, no one tells Mickey fucking Milkovich what to do let alone what to wear.

 

 

The rehearsal dinner was going good, people were coming in smiling laughing and everyone seemed to love the set up. The Milkovich siblings were mingling, however Mickey was more to himself. He didn’t know many of these people and he really didn’t want to be here. All of a sudden Mickey’s phone goes off and it was an alert. Mickey opens it, and saw the date and the picture on the alert in his phone. He stood there in shock and dumb founded. How could he have forgotten that this was the day…the day he and Ian first met……and the day he and Ian decided to get marry.

 

** 2 1/2 years ago **

 

_ Mickey walked out of the club and spotted the red head as he was walking away. “Hey you!” he yells out to the red head. _

__

 

_ The redhead stops in his tracks and turns around looking at him. “What you want?” He asked him. Ian was now sitting down on top of his car smoking a cigarette outside. Nick saw him and decided to go up to him and see if he can get this guy in bed. _

 

_ Hmm maybe a little persuasion can’t hurt right? Nick thought to himself. “Hey. Nice car, what is it? A 2014 Hyundai Tucson, four cylinder engine, with shock absorbers, recliner rear seats, LED accent lighting and a ah telescoping steering wheel with… what I am assuming is to have audio control.” Nick said smugly looking at Ian biting his lip _

__

 

_ Before Nick knew his name, he saw how the redhead (as he called him) took the cigarette out of his mouth and threw it on the floor. The red head then looks at the Nick in front of him... “Your names Nick right? Short for Nikolai.” The red head asked him _

 

 

_ “Yeeeah that’s me sexy.” Nick said, flirting with Ian _

__

 

_ The redhead looked at him and gave him an unimpressive look “Okay? So can I do something for you?” Ian asked Nick like it was whatever to him. _

__

 

_ Nick paid no attention to Ian’s sarcastic rude tone of voice. Because right now all he wanted to do was to get the redhead in bed and use him to get off. “Yeah.” Nick said walking up to Ian “I was kind of thinking of mutual  _ _ benefit _ _ arrangement.” _

__  
  


_ “Oh is that right? What is it then? What kind of mutual benefit can you have for me?” Ian asked Nick while looking at him up and down. _

__

 

_ “Buy me dinner.” Nick says with a smile _

__

 

_ The redhead looks at him and chuckles, “Okay. Wait a minutes, hold up! You want me to buy you dinner?” The redhead said while pointing at Nick like he was crazy. _

__

 

_ “That’s right” Nick said. “Why?” Nick asked tilting his head to the side looking at Ian giving him a smirk. _

__

 

_ The redhead looks at Nick and tilts his head to the side and squints his eyes at him while saying “And why would I do that?” _

__

 

_ Nick smiles and speaks in a flirtatious tone of voice to the redhead “Cause I’m cute and you’re currently single, and I ah really like this car.” Nick says touching the car with his fingers and looking at the redhead. _

__

 

_ Ian looks at Nick and raises his eye brows and nods his head slowly as he talks. “Ahh okay well that’s not much of a reason to buy you dinner, plus it’s like what 3 am it would be consider early breakfast.” _

__

 

_ “So you have a boyfriend you’re waiting for or something?  Is that why you didn’t talk to me at the bar? Is that what this whole hard act is about?” Nick said to Ian then crossed his arms against his chest “Come on what’d you say? There’s a diner a couple block from here.” He smiles at the redhead and licking his lips. Flirting was Nick’s thing but this redhead was playing hard to get, which excited Nick even more. _

__

 

_ “Ha! Okay well I say No.” the redhead proceeds to walk off then. Nick was taken back from this, but he decides to walk behind the redhead and try to talk to him again anyways. _

__

 

_ “What? You had rough day at work? Okay. What you got like Boyfriend problems? No boyfriend maybe; is that why you’re here at a gay strip club?” Nick asked him in a curious manner. _

__

 

_ The redhead looks at Nick shaking his head but smiling at him in amusement. Nick walks behind the redhead and leans over so he can see him. The redhead is smirking at him and is just looking at Nick now.  “Do I look like a person you think you can seduce? Is that why you’re talking to me” _

__

__

_ “Oh come on, anybody who looks like the way you do, wants to take me. (Nick pointed to himself) a hot guy like me out for breakfast right?.” Nick asked/said. _

__

 

_ “Does this kind of thing usually work on all the guys you talk to, or am I some kind of ah… I don’t know test drive?” Ian asked Nick. _

__

__

_ Nicks looking at the redhead with lust and determinations, and then says. “I always get what I want” Smirking at the redhead who then turns around and looks at Nick. _

__

 

_ “Well … there’s ah always a first time for everything out there am I right.” Ian says to Nick _

__

 

_ Nick looks at the redhead and wincing his eyes at him with his mouth slightly open as he’s shocked and annoyed at the same time. “Are you’re serious?... You’re turning me down again. Are you like fucking blind or something, I mean look at me.” Nick says and snorts in amusement. _

__

 

_ The redhead steps closer to Nick and leans in towards him and speaks in his ear “Yeah.” _

__

 

_ “What’s wrong with you?” Nick says annoyed now. _

__

 

_ “Maybe you should pick someone up who... um I don’t know a little more in your legal.” The red head said to Nick. Now Ian did spot Nick that night and wanted him just as bad. But Ian always likes to play around and fuck with a persons’ head. It amused him. Ever since Adam, Ian didn’t look for anything serious. Plus the more he found out that if he treated guys like shit the more he knew they didn’t want to come back to Ian after a one night stand. But Nick looked kind of hot more now seeing as he was getting pissed off with Ian. Ian always did like rough sex. _

 

 

_ “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Nick said with venom in his voice _

__

 

_ “Your just a little to ridged for me.” The redhead said and walks past Nick, and continues to walk. Nick turns around and shouts at the redhead. _

__

 

_ “Who the fuck do you think you are?!” The redhead turns around to see Nick walking towards him, speaking to him. “What you think you can just show up at the club in your nice fancy car, which is outdated by the way, and your nice expensive jacket, which by the way looks fake as fuck, and walk away and judge me! In what fucking universe do you think you can talk to me that way?” Nick said to the redhead as he was even more pissed off. _

__

 

_ “Hmm maybe you do need to eat; you’re a bit grouchy now don’t you think?” the redhead says as if he’s making fun of Nick now. _

__

 

_ Nick was furious now and annoyed as fuck. Who the fuck does this guy think he is? No fuck that! He’s gonna either respect Nick, or get his ass kicked. “Fuck you buddy! You don’t know me okay. Just because I shake my ass on stage for a few bucks to make a living, while assholes like you throw your money away at guys like me, because you’re not able to be you in society you fucking piece of shit!  Or is it because you think you have money you can look down at the thuggish boy from south side because you think you’re better than me.” Nick spat out at Ian _

__

 

_ “You’re hilarious! Hysterical actually.” Ian said to Nick. The alcohol he was drinking early was getting to him now _

__  
  


_ “No I’m not asshole! I’m pissed is what the fuck I am.” Nick hissed at Ian _

__

 

_ “No, you know what? You can go to the diner over there, with the money you made this evening, which I am assuming you made well; and while your over there you can con someone else into giving you a ride or have them pay you to fuck them.” The redhead reeked of alcohol more than Nick had smelt, but he didn’t care, he was pissed. Yeah so what if Nick did whore himself out sometimes for cash, but this dumb fuck had no right to judge him for what he did? He did what he needed to do to survive, that was always him, fight or be killed. _

__

 

_ The next thing you know, Nick punched the redhead guy in his face. The redhead was on the floor laid out. Nick walks off pissed but not too mad. See while he was talking to the redhead he was able to pick his pockets. “Well he’s got couple of hundred and Ha his name. One Ian Gallagher and shit he’s an officer. A military officer…… Fuck I just hit an officer? Well he's a Marine officer....eh. Great now I’M in deep shit. Then again Nick you really can’t get arrested because you can say it was self-defence…yeah we’ll go with that” Nick said to himself and throws the wallet next to the redhead oh well Ian, while trying to find where Ian’s car was at so he can take off in it. _

__

 

_ They weren’t near Ian’s car anymore, which means he left it somewhere, probably near the club. So Nick ran to the diner to get himself some food to take home. He started to get a headache again, but pushed it away. _

__

 

_ At the diner he sat down and ordered himself a stack of pancakes, with bacon, sausage, two eggs, a vanilla milkshake and with some strawberries on the side. What he didn’t expect was said redhead (Ian) to come up from behind him. _

__

 

_ “Well, Well, well.” Ian says whiling walking in and sitting at the booth across from Nick. “You didn’t honestly think that you can just hit me and I wouldn’t follow you.” Ian said to Nick _

__

 

_ “You followed me all the where here?” Nick said sarcastically to Ian, while smiling at him “... I tell you red… that’s kinda creepy even for me.” Nick says while laughing at Ian. _

__

 

_ “Well seeing as you did take my fucking wallet and the money in it; why the fuck did you through my wallet near me and not even take my car? Then you’re here; you actually fucking came here to eat? Seriously what the fuck is wrong with you?” Ian said with no venom in his voice but slightly annoyed that he got hit by this hot guy he knows nothing about. _

__

 

_ Nick looks at Ian innocently and shrugs his shoulders when he starts talking. “Well I was hungry I told you that. Buy me food, but you decided to be a fucking prick and you deserved that hit if not more. You’re just lucky I’m hungry and need to eat.” Nick said to Ian while eating his food. _

__

 

_ Ian looked at him like he was crazy, but then laughs. He looks down at the food that’s on the table and his eye brows went up in amazement at how much food was on the table. And it was only for Nick apparently! “So you really are going to eat all of this by yourself?” Ian thank asked Nick shockingly. _

__

 

_ Nick nodded his head yes and said. “Yeah why? You want some? I can get the waitress here. The food here is good and I like coming here after work.” Nick said as if it was nothing new to Ian. _

__

 

_ Ian smiled at Nicks answer. “You do realize you stole my money; hit me in the face and now you’re offering to get me food with my money that will be paying for this none the less right.”  Ian said to Nick in amusement. _

__

 

_ Nick nodded his head and smiled at Ian again as if it was nothing before answering Ian. He was so casual with Ian that it amazed Ian and even him if he was being honest. “Yeah so?” Nick said as he looks down at his food and eats. He then looks up at him and smiles at him. “Ian is it?” He asked and Ian nodded his head at Nick. “ See I like that how you play hard to get. See this whole game you have I like it. I told you I always get what I want. And you being here right now is what I want. Now the whole kicking your ass thing I will do and I don’t feel bad for punching you for making me feel like I’m shit. Like, I was nothing but a piece of shit.”  Nick said to Ian not taking his eyes off of him. “See shit like that get your pretty face into trouble Red.” _

__

 

_ Ian was silent; he kind of felt bad for making someone who was trying to flirt with him feel like shit. All he wanted to do was get drunk and forget about his problems, instead he made someone else feel worse than him and at that got a busted lip to show for it. But in all fairness he didn’t know this guy, for all he knew he could be some serial killer or con artist. Then again he was attractive. Nikolai or Nick had beautiful pierce blue eyes; he wore eye liner which made his eyes pop out even more. He has dark jet black hair that was spiked up, he was well built from what Ian saw on the dance floor. And he had a nice ass that made you want to grab it every chance you got. His lips were well, they were glorious and full, and his skin was pale and beautiful. So okay the guy was hot, that didn’t mean Ian had to be a dick and say that fuck up shit to him. He wasn’t angry at the guy not really; he was angry at himself and decided to take out on Nick. So yeah he did deserve to get punched in the face. That he will admit.  _

__

 

_ “Look I don’t always do this, but I’m sorry. Okay sorry for saying what I said to you. It was wrong and I was drunk. I didn’t mean to say it to or at you okay… So where good, me and you I mean… I mean you’re eating food now and you got me here with you.” Ian said to Nick as a matter of fact. _

__

 

_ “Yeah whatever. So what’s got the stick up your ass that you had to be a complete asshole to me? I mean come on, are you saying that you’re not at the least bit attracted to me?” Nick said to Ian and looks at him with a smile on his face. _

__

 

_ Ian smiles back and nods his head. “Yeah, I mean I guess you’re kinda hot you know.” He smiles and steals Nick’s bacon from his plate and eats while looking Nick straight in his eyes. _

__

 

_ Nick smiles at Ian, and motions the waitress to bring them coffee. The waitress brings them both a cup of coffee. Ian drinks his coffee and Nick just stares at him with amusement. Then he speaks to him. “So you think I’m some kind of guy who whores himself out to hot guys every night?” Nick asked Ian _

__

 

_ “I don’t know are you?” Ian asked Nick back. _

__

 

_ And for some reason Nick wanted to be honest to Ian and he didn’t know why. “Not every night, no. I mean if we’re being honest some nights I go home with different guys, some nights I go home by myself alone. And if those guys I do so happen to go home with pays me for services, then who am I do refuse money from them… but then again who are you to judge me and not know me. For all you know I can have another job during the day and this is just fun for me. For all you know I could be doing what I do for my own reasons, or I can be doing it just for fun. You don’t get to judge me and not know me.” Nick said to Ian _

__

 

_ “Well is it… is it fun for you, or do you even have another job? I mean do you have other reason, important ones?” Ian asked Nick  _

__

 

_ “Among others things, maaaaybe? Why you want know?” Nick asked flirting with Ian again and this time he’s having more fun with it, as he’s been playing footsies under the table the whole time with Ian as they’ve been talking. _

__

 

_ “Because I want know more about the guy who I’m buying breakfast for? And because that same said guy said and I quote ‘gets whatever he wants’ being that you want me.” Ian said smiling at Nick. Ian can’t take his eyes off of Nick now. For some reasons he’s drawn to this man and he has no clue as to why. _

__

 

_ Nick smiles at Ian. “Well I do actually, but I keep my work life and personally life separate...” Nick leans his head back and looks up and the across the dinner as if trying to find the next words, then speaks. “See those two things can get a bit…hmm well complicated. I like to keep them separate for now.” _

__

 

_ Ian smiled at Nick “Okay, so Nick what do you want from me? I’m no body special just an average guys” Ian says to Nick, smiling at him and biting his lower lip _

__

 

_ “Oh your anything but average I-AN.” He laughs and decides to put his foot near Ian’s crotch area. “See that I can tell you much that you’re nowhere near average. SO what’s your story?” Nick asked flirting with Ian and rubbing up against Ian with his foot. _

__

 

_ “What’d you mean what’s my story?” Ian asked Nick while trying not to moan because of what Nick was doing with his foot. _

__

 

_ “Well-being that you took one hell of a hit and I do hit fucking hard; you’ve also got dog tags around your neck. Plus whenever someone comes through the doors, you mental count how many people are in the diner to see how many are still here or are here. You’ve been looking around the diner as if maybe you’re paranoid or just precautious. And whenever you drink your coffee, you scan the room, which I can only assume makes you feel somewhat safe as to know where you are at and who is in here with you...” Nick said while sipping on his coffee and continues talking. “Plus when you thought I wasn’t paying attention I saw you checking to see if you can find anything on me on your phone.” Nick says while looking at Ian dead in his eye, but smiling at him. _

__

 

_ “How did you?” Ian begins to ask him, but Nick cuts him off. _

__

 

_ “I’m very observant; it’s kind of bad thing and good thing. I told you, I’m south side. Always very attentive and alert myself.” Nick said looking Ian. “So? You got a story or not Red; because even at the club you like you wanted to get away from something, or someone. You looked kind of sad, like something was bothering you.” Nick said to Ian _

__

 

_ Ian was silent for a moment. He turns to look out at the window and response to Nicks. “Kinda yeah. But I don’t want to talk about it” Ian said and looks back at Nick, who’s looking at Ian as well. _

__

 

 _Nick nodded his head and simply said “okay.” He didn’t ask for the check he simply left a 50 dollar bill on the table for the waitress. He got up and stuck his hand out to Ian. Ian looked at him confused._ _“What? I’m not gonna bite, you want to forget your problems right? Come with me.” Before Ian could respond Nick motion to the waitress that he was leaving._

__

 

_ The waitress came over and smiled at Nick and said. “You sure you don’t want your change Nick? You always leave me a big tip, not that I’m complaining but you sure?” she said smiling at Nick. _

__

 

_ Nick laughs while walking up to her and places his hand on her cheek. He give her a gentle kiss on the cheek and says. “Of course I’m sure, why do you always ask me the same thing over and over again.” He said and winked at her. Nick then turns back to Ian. “Hey!? You coming with me?” Ian looked at Nick again and then took his hand. As they walked out the door the waitress winked at him and smiled at Ian. Who the fuck was this Nick guy and why did he want Ian of all people. That was a question Ian couldn’t understand. _

__

 

_ “My cars right here, it was a black 2007 Honda nothing special, but she’s beautiful.”  Nick said and opens the car door motioning for Ian to get in. And so Ian did get in and they were off. The drive was quiet, but Ian was shocked when Nick pulled up at the Four season Hotel. Nick looks at Ian and motions for him to follow him in to the hotel. Nick goes to the front desk by himself for a moment; he then comes back with a room key and grabs Ian by the hand. They both go to the elevator, to the last floor. When they arrive at their floor, they walk out into the room they are staying in at apparently and Ian was shocked. _

__

 

_ Walking in threw the doors, you first see the living room entrance, and it was huge. There was a large silver grey sofa with a glass coffee table in the middle of the room; behind the sofa was a huge window where you can see outside the Chicago night. All the buildings, the lights, it looked amazing. To the right of you was a huge TV. Further in to your right was a bathroom. Glass doors, a big tub by Ian’s standards, it was amazing. Then there was the bed room. A King size bed, with a view that looked even more amazing then the first room. There was two dressers on each side of the bed with lamps on them. A TV towards the left of the room, and the curtains were open as if the view of Chicago was exposed to them. Nick was smiling at Ian and Ian couldn’t help but smile back. _

__

 

_ “So is this your way of making me forget?” Ian asked Nick _

__

 

_ Nick shrugged and looked at Ian shyly. He didn’t know why he was nervous being around Ian. He was just supposed to be a hook up. Nothing more right? “Maybe? Do you want to forget whatever the fuck is bothering you?” Nick asked Ian as he was now walking up to him and grabbing his hand. _

__

 

_ “Yeah” Ian said in a sad voice, and Nick picked up on it. “Why me?” Ian asked Nick all of sudden. “There’s other guys you can hook up with out there. Ones that you can give them this kind of view… So why me?” Ian said to Nick but also asking him. He was wondering where this was going, if it was going anywhere or was it stopping here for one night. _

__

 

_ Nick looks at Ian with a small smile, then grinned at him. “Honestly… I don’t know; there’s just something about you? A hot ex-military guy walks in my club and refuses me?” Nick sighs but smiles. “I don’t know….it just made me want you more I guess.” Nick said truthfully _

__

 

_ “Can you even afford this?” Ian asked looking around the room and not at Nick now. _

__

 

_ Nick smiled and shook his head. “Now that my hot sexy friend, is none of your fucking business, what I can and cannot afford.” Nick walks over to Ian and grabs him by his shirt and kisses him in a desperate manner. He grabs him by his waist while kissing him and the kiss turns into something frantic. Ian is kissing him and brings him closer. Whatever the fuck he wanted to forget, he’s doing it now, and all he wants is Nick’s lips on his. Ian goes for Nick shirt and lifts it off him. Nick goes for Ian’s shirt, but Ian stops him. He breaks the kiss and looks at Nick.  “It’s okay.” Nick tells Ian; he slowly takes Ian’s shirt off and then looks at Ian chest with his dog tag. Scars and past wounds he sees on the man chest. Nick had those same scars to, but his were from a different kind of battle.  Ian looks self-conscious, but Nick simply kisses him and brings him down to the bed running his hands on Ian chest. Kissing the scars on his shoulder, the scars on his chest, the scars on his arm, and then goes to suck on Ian’s neck. Ian is moaning and grabs Nick ass to make him grinned on him. _

 

__

 

_ Nick moves to kiss Ian harder and rougher and this time he gets up removes his pants and then goes for Ian. He unbuckles his pant and removes them in record time. Simply admiring the other man under him. He kisses him down his chest and towards his thighs then he slowly licks and sucks near his hip while stroking Ian. Ian is lost in Nick touch. He’s moaning and loving every moment and ever touch Nick is giving him. Nick then took Ian into his mouth and the rest was history. _

 

That was the first night Nick and Ian slept together, rather the first time Mickey and Ian slept together.

 

** Present day **

Getting that flash back and so much more emotional then he thought. Remembering a time when he and Ian were together was making Mickey emotional, and he could feel his heart hurting as his chest became tight. Then that one song came on that the DJ was playing. Everything just hit him at once. The song that was playing was one he heard before and couldn’t help but feel there was a reason he was hearing.

_**Well it’s good to hear your voice** _

_**I hope you’re doing fine** _

_**And if you ever wonder** _

_**I’m lonely here tonight** _

_**I’m lost here in this moment and time keeps slipping by** _

_**And if I could have just one wish I’d have you by my side** _

 

Mickey was speaking to himself now trying hard to figure shit out and not freak the fuck out like he was right now. “I’m gonna marry the man of my dreams right? I’m gonna marry the man who’s been with me through it all…… Right? He’s been there, here, he loves me; and I think he loves me, I think I love him…No…fuck! …I don’t know……I don’t feel it……Oh god what the fuck am I doing?” Mickey says to himself.

_**Ooh oh, I miss you** _

_**Ooh oh, I need you** _

_**I love you more than I did before and if today I don’t see your face** _

_**Nothing’s changed no one can take your place** _

_**It gets harder, everyday** _

__

__

Mickey’s is thinking of that night with Ian. When he knew, and I mean finally knew that Ian loved him for him, and not just a part of him, but all of him.

 

_ “Ian?” Nick said _

 

_ “hmm? Yeah babe?” Ian said tiredly, he was exhausted. Nick didn’t want to disturb him, but he really did want to talk. _

 

 

_ “If I ever left….would you still love?” Nick asked Ian _

__

 

_ Ian sat up on the bed and looked up at Nick with a concern face “What’d you mean?” Ian asked him _

__

 

_ “If for some reason I end up being gone….Ian would you still love me? Even if I wasn’t me; even if Mickey came back….would love us?” Nick asked Ian _

__

 

_ Ian looked up at Nick and smiled “I would love you even if you were a girl.” Ian said laughing “But yes…I would love you no matter what or who you are.” Ian said and kissed Nick tenderly. They stop kissing and Ian leans forward and puts their forehead together. And for a moment they just look at each other. _

__

 

_ Nick pulls away, looks up at Ian. “Marry me? Ian will you marry me?” Nick asked Ian and his eyes were glassy “Be with me forever…stay with me forever. Like in peter pan and Neverland.” Nick said while chuckled. But you could tell he was emotional. Something Ian rarely ever saw. _

__

 

_ Ian face was in shock. Nick was nervous you can tell he was, he was biting his lip and playing with his nails. “You want be with me forever like peter in Neverland?” Ian asked with a smile. _

__

 

_ Nick smiled back “Yeah dick head.” Nick said and starting laughing in relief. _

__

 

_ “Yeah okay….yeah I’ll marry your crazy ass.” Ian said playfully and Nick punched him in the arm and kissed him. _

 

_**Say you love me more than you did before** _

_**And if today I don’t see your face** _

_**Nothing’s changed no one can take your place** _

_**It gets harder everyday** _

_**Say you love me more than you did before** _

_**And I’m sorry that it’s this way** _

_**But I’m coming home, I’ll be coming home** _

_**And if you ask me I will stay, I will stay** _

_**Always stay** _

_**I never wanna lose you** _

_**And if I had to I would choose you** _

_**So stay, please always stay** _

_**You’re the one that I hold onto** _

__

__

_**Cause my heart would stop without you** _

 

 

Mickey stops in his tracks as his mind is racing. ‘I’m supposed to feel it right……Fuck! This isn’t right. I don’t love him. I don’t love Colt! ….I Love….’ Mickey was brought out of his internal thoughts as he hears someone call his name. It was Colt’s parents and they were waving at him. Colt was looking at him now as well. “I can’t do this.” Mickey says to himself and walks out of the reception area into the hallway, away from where the rehearsal party was at. He can’t do this! He has to call Ian. He has to call this all off with Colt! And NOW! Mickey gets his phone out and tries to call Ian, but Ian’s not answer him. “Fuck!” Mickey starts to Panic; Ian couldn’t have left yet right? No not yet, not without Mickey telling him he loves him and wants to be with him. Not without Mickey apologizing and trying hard to make up for it all.

 

 

Mandy, Iggy, Collin, and Leah saw as Mickey walked outside of the rehearsal place. They could see how he seemed to be calling someone and freaking out. The all went to him, but Mandy was the first one running up to him. She sees he’s freaking out and near the brink of tears. “Mickey! What wrong Mick?” Mandy asked her brother frantically.

 

 

Mickey looks at her, and Mandy’s heart breaks. It had been a long time since she seen her brother emotionally upset. He looked like a little boy lost and scared. “I can’t do this! I can’t pretend! I can’t marry someone I don’t love! …I can’t be here right!” Mickey said franticly “I need to find Ian Mandy! I have to go him NOW!”

 

 

“Then go…go Mickey, just go! Here take the car and go. Where ever you need to go, just go, and figure your shit out. We’ll tell Colt you had to leave, and don’t worry about it okay.” Collin said taking charge. Protecting his brother and making sure he was okay was his priority now more than ever. If Mickey needed to go then no one here was going to stop him. Mickey takes Collins’ car keys and hugs his brother quickly before running to his car. He jumped in and drove off in a heartbeat leaving his brothers and sisters standing there wondering what to do next.

 

*****

 

Mickey was driving like a manic; he had to get to Ian and find him. It started to rain all of a sudden. Just want the fuck he needed; rain with him driving over 90, which is something no one should do! When he got to the Gallagher house it was empty. He opened the door; it was unlock? He could have sworn Ian kept it closed and locked after becoming a cop.  When walks more into the Gallagher house he gets stopped by his freckles.

 

 

“Hey Mick.” Debbie said sadly and Mickey could see she’s been crying.

 

 

“Hey……hey what’s wrong why are you crying? Where’s Ian? I need to speak to him, but I want to make sure you okay.” Mickey asked her.

 

 

Debbie smiled sadly and shrugged her shoulders. “He left this for me.” Debbie said and showed it to Mickey. It was. A letter. A letter addressed to Debbie.

 

 

Mickey took the letter and read it……It was letter telling Debbie that he had to go. That he couldn’t stay and that he apologized for leaving so early, but that he would come back in a few months to get her. But that he couldn’t stay and be reminded of him hurting so much. Mickey sat on the edge of the sofa “Fuck” He said lowly.

 

 

Debbie sighed “Yeah….Mandy just called me. Told me you took off. I figured you were going to come here of course…but he’s not here. I don’t know where he went. But I know he’s supposed to call in a few days like it says in the letter.” Debbie said sadly to him.

 

 

Mickey looked up at her with tears in his eyes “I fucked up…I’m so sorry.” Mickey said and got up to leave but was stopped by Debbie. She hugged him tightly and he hugged her back. “I’m so sorry I hurt him.” Mickey chocked out.

 

 

Debbie stepped back and wiped his tears from his face. “No…you did what you thought was right. Now you know what is right….But he’s gone.” Debbie said sadly “Maybe whenever he comes back, and if you’re willing to wait….maybe things will be different….I just hope he does come back.” Debbie said. The last sentence she didn’t mean to say out loud but did.

 

 

Mickey looked at her and realized Ian would end up going active again if they told him to or asked. That just killed him even more. If anything happened to Ian that would be on Mickey conscious. He would blame himself, just like he’s doing now. Mickey kissed her on the forehead and left the house. He walked to the car as the rain started pouring down harder. He got in the car wet and soaked not really thinking of anything. He just turned the car on and just drove. He decided to go to the one place he always used to go to when he was upset or wanted to not think. The peer. Ian was gone…Ian left, Ian left because of him and now it was too late……he really did lose Ian for good this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so yeah....that happened....dont worry I'm writing the next chapter as we speak since I work nights and will be at work right now. I hope you all still love me.
> 
> Also heres the link to both songs I put in the story. 
> 
> ones from John Mayer amazing artist Dreaming with a Broken heart: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zEge2lxOMTM
> 
> and Miley Cyrus https://youtu.be/JHKOX9np09s
> 
>  
> 
> I don't own any of these songs so just so its out there okay. xoxoxo love you guys again don't hate me for this chapter. But sometimes losing the one you love in the end will make your love stronger once you find your way back to one another. Which in the end....I believe you will. 
> 
> Merry Christmas everyone!!!!!!!!!!


	31. My one and only

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well here you guys goes. ANother update. I'm not too happy with it, I might come back and change it a bit later on. But see I am happy yet not happy with it. I mean I had a hard time trying to end the chapter with out it being....well you'll see.  
> Let me know how you like it and i love the comment and kudos and xoxoxoxo to you all. 
> 
> Ps this chapter I decided to dedicate to cdt1234 xoxox I love your comment and I hope you binge read the hell out of this tomorrow xoxoxoxox this is for you! You'll see why

The phone rang again. It kept ringing over and over again. Ian glanced down and ignored the call. He saw that Mickey was trying to call him again, but he ignored it. His phone had a few miss calls from Mickey from earlier. Ian had just left his house and Debbie behind. Answer the phone and talking to Mickey would be suicided for him. He didn’t want to give Mickey the satisfaction of hearing him and Ian didn’t want to hear Mickey. As he was driving next to the peer he immediately saw a black Honda car speed ahead of him and turn quickly. It looked like it was about to crash but it didn’t. Ian stopped his car, he had almost gotten hit by the car driving along side of him. It was raining hard now, and he barely saw the road anymore.

 

 

There was a figure that got out the car; it looked like a guy from what Ian could tell. He was just standing in the rain letting the water fall on him like nothing. The guy kicked the car over and over again, and Ian just stood in his car looking at him. The guy who got out the car looked like Mickey, but it couldn’t have been Ian thought. Mickey was at his rehearsal dinner for his wedding……right? Ian looked down at his phone again and saw Debbie was calling him now. He definitely wasn’t going to answer the phone. Not yet, not to her. Ian knew Debbie must have been really upset. She would probably try to get him to come back, and knowing Ian, he would fold for her little sister in a heartbeat.

 

 

Ian looked over at the guy again. He seemed to look upset from where Ian was trying to see in his car. When the guy stopped kicking the car; he leaned on it and put his hands in his face covering it. The guy was shaking from what Ian can tell. The guy then just got up from leaning on the car and walked around it. He was walking on the boardwalk of the peer, so Ian decided to get out of his car to see if they guy was hurt or something. His walk was sluggish and he was shaking a lot from what Ian can tell. Ian went towards the male figure; he saw that the guy went to the edge of the boardwalk peer. He looked over the railing and Ian thought the guy looked like he was going to jump.

 

Ian ran towards the guy on the docks and saw he was covering his face and shaking his head back side to side. He was crying from what Ian can tell and hear.  Ian decided for some reason to go to the guy and see if he was okay and needed help, something or anything.

 

**********************************

 

Mickey was upset, he was driving so fast and he didn’t care that the cars he was passing by he almost hit. He then makes a sharp turn near the peer and then stops the car. He was breathing heavy and he felt a weight on his chest. He then noticed he was at the peer and got out of his car. It was raining harder now and he was more upset. He kicked the shit out of the car over and over again. Upset and pissed at himself for being so stupid, for being such an idiot. Colt didn’t love him for him, he didn’t really love Mickey at all; all he wanted to do was control him and make himself happy. Mickey didn’t love Colt either and he can barely tolerate him anymore. Ian, but…Ian. Ian was the one Mickey wished he woke up to every morning. Ian was the one Mickey wish he could make love to, to kiss, to laugh with, to talk to, to lay in bed with to just being around, to smile at to make dinner and breakfast with, to dance with, to joke around with to. Just, too! Ian. Ian would say he loved him no matter what…Ian would love Mickey no matter what, Ian would do all those things and more with Mickey if he wanted to and would put Mickey in his place when he was acting like an ass! Ian! Mickey was stupid, and fucked because he lost Ian now and it was all his fault….He was so scared and now he wasn’t, he wasn’t scared or afraid, because he knows he belongs with Ian, he knows it’s right and that its meant to be. All he wanted to was Ian, but now Ian was gone and Mickey would be left alone.

 

 

Mickey always found a way to fuck shit up…maybe it was best that Ian left…Maybe Mickey is supposed to be alone for a while. Maybe Ian is supposed to find someone else that’s not damaged as Mickey is. I mean who would want someone as damaged as him really? Maybe one day they can find each other again. Mickey just hopes that Ian will still love him. Mickey’s mind was everywhere at this moment, he doesn’t want to feel this pain. It hurts too much. For once he wishes he wasn’t him, he wishes that none of this happened to him that he can just not feel. Because what he feels right now, is like someone stabbing you in the chest, not wanting to move or wake up. Why did he have to be so dumb and not go with his heart like he should’ve? Like he really wanted to, all along.

 

 

Mickey just cries harder and is shaking more; he wishes he didn’t have to feel like this anymore. So lost, so alone…Ian didn’t make him feel like that. Ian made him feel so alive. And now he’s not. With Colt, he felt numb, nothing and it was like waking up every day doing the same shit over and over again, like it was nothing. Like life meant nothing. Not feeling grounded or at home. But with Ian…he felt home, he felt grounded, he felt alive, he felt safe, and wanted and needed and loved. Like really loved; but he won’t get a chance to feel that now or ever again, because Ian is gone. Now it's too late. L

 

********

 

Ian sees that guy is on the edge of the peer and he looks like he might jump! Ian starts to run to the guy automatically like he’s on autopilot. When Ian gets closer, he saw that the guy was Mickey. ‘Mickey!’ Ian thought to himself. ‘Why fuck was Mickey here? Why is he at the peer and what is he doing? Why is he crying? What the fuck happened?’ And with that it seemed like it started to rain even harder.

 

 

“Mickey! Hey Mickey are you alright!? Mickey don’t jump!” Ian yells out at him getting wet by the second from the rain as he runs closer to Mickey.

 

 

Mickey turns around and looks at Ian and was shocked to see him. He wondered if it was really him, he saw it was him he laughed. He had to laugh, this was like a fucking hallucination or some shit! He gets down from the edge of the peer and walks towards Ian and tries to yell out over the rain as it was loud and coming down harder. “NO I’M NOT ALRIGHT OKAY….I’M NOT GONNA FUCKING JUMP OKAY?....WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? I THOUGHT YOU LEFT!” Mickey said

 

 

Ian didn’t answer his question he was more concerned with Mickey. “DON’T WORRY ABOUT THAT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?” Ian asked shouting to him as it was raining hard.

 

 

“I HAD LEAVE” Mickey yells out and steps closer to Ian. “I had to get out of there! I felt like I was fucking suffocating, and everything was just… Everything was wrong all of it! Everyone was just…Just everything and everyone was just staring at me you know! They were gonna be there to see something that was wrong and fake! And it wasn’t right; none of it was right Ian! I started hearing the song and then I…I knew, I just fucking knew it okay!?” Mickey said to Ian, he wasn’t making any sense to Ian and that was a bit concerning. Mickey looked exhausted, sad, and scared all at once.

 

 

“Wh-what are you talking about? Get out of where Mickey?” Ian asked but when Mickey looked at him and didn’t answer, Ian went ahead and asked- “And you knew what? What did you know?” Ian asked him

 

 

Mickey just looked so frustrated know. “THE FUCKING REHEARSAL DINNER IAN! I COULDN’T FUCKING DO IT! (Mickey breathes in) I COULDN’T FUCKING GO IN THERE AND I-FUCK WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE ANYWAY, I THOUGHT YOU WERE LEAVING!” Mickey yells out as the rain felt like it was coming down even more harder and the thunder roared in. “I went to go find you and you left, I saw the letter!” Mickey said to Ian.

 

 

Ian decided to answer Mickey this time seeing as Mickey looked like he was about to have a break down. “Well I was driving and then you almost hit me. I didn’t know it was you, but then I saw you get out the car! You look like a fucking maniac and you came out here in the pouring rain and you were crying...” Ian said in a rush. “Come on let’s get you out of here, I’ll take you home.” Ian said to Mickey gesturing for him to come with him.

 

 

However Mickey didn’t move. “NO, IAN NO! DON’T YOU GET IT! I CAN’T GO BACK THERE!” Mickey said running his hands in his hair and pacing around Ian “EVERYTHING YOU SAID WAS RIGHT!” Mickey yells out turning around to look at Ian the best he could in the rain. “I’M LIVING A FUCKING LIE I CAN’T GO BACK THERE! ......HE WAS AN OBLIGATION! COLT WAS JUST THAT AND WILL ALWAYS BE JUST THAT! IT WAS BECAUSE I’M FUCKING SCARED! BECAUSE I FELT GUILTY FOR WANTING TO BE HAPPY WITH SOMEONE ELSE! AND I WAS SAD FOR COLT, I WAS SAD AND FELT SO GUILTY FOR NOT WANTING TO BE WITH HIM…IAN DON’T YOU GET!” Mickey yelled at Ian.

 

 

Ian didn’t know what to do. Mickey wasn’t acting himself in fact it scared him, because here he was leaning over the edge of the peer. Talking, well more like yelling and Mickey looked worried, scared all at once in Ian’s eyes. “You’re acting crazy Mickey, come on let’s get you out of the rain into the car where it’s warm. You don’t want to get sick I don’t want you to get sick Mickey!” Ian shouted to him as the rain kept coming down harder.

 

 

Mickey laughed bitterly at Ian. “I have been acting crazy Ian! I’m sick! Everything I’M DOING ISNT WORKING.” Mickey said and grabbed his hair, pulling it down and ran his hand over his face quickly. “MY RELATIONSHIP WITH COLT, MY WORK, EVERYTHING I DO HASN’T BEEN WORKING…” Mickey looked at Ian dead in his eyes “...I tried to do this myself, I tried to believe it was the right thing to do because…it’s all my fault, nothing is fine….You were right okay, I’m not fine and I’m not in love with Colt, I’m just with him because it’s an obligation, a debt or some kind of responsibility because I’m scared and afraid of losing the one person I do love!” Mickey said and was crying as he spoke. If it wasn’t raining anyone could tell he was crying, especially now with how he was sounding so broken. “Because I’m damaged and it was safe; It was safe to be with him and not be afraid to lose the one I love and because I feel I’m not worth it….(Mickey sounded little) I was just gonna marry him, so I would protect myself and be safe from losing the one I love…” Mickey said looking at Ian.

 

 

God this couldn’t be happening. This wasn’t real was it? Ian thought to himself. So Ian chanced it and asked Mickey. “Who is it that you love Mick?”

 

 

Mickey looked at Ian and smiled. “Fuck I don’t love him like I love you.” Mickey said looking at Ian in his green big beautiful eyes. “I can’t fucking love him like I love you! I love you Ian!” Mickey said in one breath and let his tears come out even more as he eyes turned red from crying. “I can’t live a lie anymore and I Can’t live without you Ian! I LOVE YOU! ..... Don’t you get it!....(Mickey says and walks up to Ian not losing any eye contact as he spoke) I tried to stay away from you. Fuck god knows I fucking tried to tell myself that it would go away, but I couldn’t do it. I can’t fucking lose you Ian, I can’t fucking let you go, I can’t be without you!” Mickey said to Ian. He was more emotional than Ian had ever saw him. Mickey calmed his breathing and voice down, when he does that he looks at Ian as he speaks his heart out again. “Ian I love you… Please tell me you get it….please tell me you won’t leave me! I’m sorry okay, I’m so sorry, just don’t go!” Mickey said to Ian.

 

 

Ian was shocked to say the least. He didn’t know what to do. This was not what he expected. He but tries to speak now. “But you said we cou-” and before he can finish his sentence Mickey cut him off.

 

 

“I know, I know what the fuck I said Ian. But fuck I was wrong. I was so fucking wrong and you were so fucking right…… You were right Ian! …You were right about me saying yes to Colt, to marrying him so I wouldn’t hurt him, so that I would somehow try and repay him back... You were right about why I said yes to him because it felt like a duty and not love. Because it was never love. And you were right, I should have told Colt that I love you and that we’re in love because you were right Ian  _I love you! I Mickey Milkovich love you so fucking much and it hurts that I’m losing you and I can’t lose you.”_  Mickey says in a rush. He was breathing hard looking at Ian, just looking and waiting for a response.

 

 

Mickey continued talking when Ian didn’t say anything. “I know what I’ve said about us before, but it’s different this time because I want to be with you. Shit I’ve always wanted to be with you Ian, but that because I was afraid I couldn’t….But Ian I need to be with you. When I left and you told me to go, I didn’t know what to with myself.” Mickey tells Ian all in one shot, and if it wasn’t raining you could see the tears rolling down his face as his eyes were becoming redder than before as he spoke to Ian. Mickey’s voice was becoming more hitched up with some much emotion as he spoke to Ian. Wanting Ian to feel what he was saying to him was all true. Because it was true, all of it.

  
 

Ian looked at Mickey and saw in his eyes the truth behind everything he just said. And yes Ian Gallagher was still, no is still incredible in love and will always be in love with Mickey Milkovich. This man more than anything and everything in his life. So much that he was willing to leave and let him go. But right now that said man was confessing his love to him and Ian couldn’t really bring any words to play. So, he went with the first thing that came to him from his heart “I’m Here Mick. I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere if you don’t want me to. I’m always gonna be here baby. I love you, I won’t ever leave!” Ian said emotionally to Mickey.

 

 

Mickey then walks up to Ian more and grabs Ian by his neck, bringing their lips together and kisses him as if it was the first time he ever kissed Ian. The kiss is more passionate, slow no tongue at all, and just love. Love in the kiss, love in the touch, and love in the way their hearts beat as one….

 

 

Mickey breaks the kiss and Hugs Ian close to him. Holding on so tight that he feels that if he lets go Ian would leave. “Please don’t ever leave me Ian, don’t ever leave me alone.” Mickey whispers to Ian.

 

 

“No. I would never leave you alone Mick.”

 

 

“I love you… god fucking help me I love you so much” Mickey says and smiles at Ian. He leans his forehead to Ian, looking at his big green beautiful eyes.

 

 

“I love you too.” Ian says and Kisses Mickey again. Holding him close and not letting him go for one section, as the rain continues to pour down around them.

 

 

“I want be with you forever…I want you be my peter pan and we can be with each other forever like in Neverland.” Mickey said to Ian with his lips trembling and his eyes focused on Ian’s.

 

 

Ian looks at Mickey and smiles. “Yeah? I’ll be your Peter pan… and we can be with each other forever in Neverland….” Ian smiles at him then laughs at what he says next “As long as you can be my Wendy Darling!” They laughed with one another putting their foreheads together, and just stared at each other.

 

 

Mickey then laughs hard and kisses Ian hard. This time he opens his mouth and lets Ian in, and the kiss was as if it was the first time again. Slow, but passionate. Frantic, but now more loving and more open as Mickey slips his tongue into Ian’s mouth and as Ian meets Mickey’s tongue in his mouth, sparks fly. Their chest becomes tight. This feeling, this was the feeling they were both missing for so long.

 

 

Their very first kiss in a way was in the rain and both men didn’t care that it was just raining all around them. Not when it all came into place and everything just felt so right for the first time in a long time. This was their first kiss, because both men knew where they belong now; and that was with each other. When they broke away from the kiss, both Ian and Mickey were trying to catch their breath. Mickey just looked at Ian and smiled, leaning in to him to hold him tight.

 

 

Ian didn’t care that it was getting colder as it rained, but he didn’t want get out of it “Want me to take you home?” Ian asked Mickey

 

 

Mickey looked up at Ian and he smiled. “Red…wherever you are, or where we are is home you dickhead.” Mickey said fondly to Ian, who smiled back at him and kissed Mickey again.

 

 

They made their way to the car soaked and wet, but still smiling at one another, holding each-others hands not letting go for a second.

 

******

 

When Ian pulls up in front of Mickey’s apartment building, they both look at each other and smile brightly at each other again. As hard as it was raining and as foggy as it was outside, there was nothing that can break their smile of happiness. “You sure we should be here and not back at my house?” Ian asked Mickey.

 

 

Mickey nodded his head. “Yeah, plus didn’t you say Debbie would probably kick your ass if she sees you now….Plus…I just want to it to be us for a little while before we have to deal with the world and real life….I just want it to be me and you and no one right now.” Mickey said looking at Ian and nowhere else.

 

 

Ian smiled and nods his head in agreement. They definitely needed to be alone and talk before dealing with everyone or as Mickey called it real life. “But won’t your brothers or sister come looking for you here?” Ian asked him

 

 

Mickey shrugged. “They can, but they won’t be able to get in…the locks were changed by Nick and so was the keypad password, but I never gave it to them or anyone for that matter.” Mickey says and looks away then back at Ian. “For some reason…I never changed it…I don’t know why I didn’t, I just….I don’t know I didn’t think I needed to.” Mickey says, he turns to smile at Ian. He hasn’t stop smiling at Ian since they kissed.

 

 

Ian can’t help but smile right back at Mickey. For a few moments they stay in the car till the rain lightens up. Once it does they both get out of the car making their way upstairs. Once the door is unlocked and both men make their way inside. Mickey turns to Ian and looks at him, there’s so much running in his mind right now and it feels impossible for him to think straight right now. “There are um…some clothes in the room in the dresser if you want to change…I mean you know with us being wet and all.” Mickey says nervously. He has no idea why he’s so nervous now but it’s an excited kind of nervous. Not a bad one.

 

 

Ian smiles at him “Yeah” He says and Mickey leads him into the bedroom ‘as if he’s never been in here’ Mickey thinks to himself. Mickey gives him clothes for Ian to change into. Mickey walks out of the room and looks around. He’s making sure the apartment is nice and not a mess.

 

‘Why the fuck am I worried about that now?’ Mickey thinks to himself. ‘Fuck Ian is here…Ian is most likely naked now…in my room…by himself…FUCK! Keep cool Mickey, keep cool, the guy that you’re in love with is in the next room… getting undressed…He’s naked…he’s in your house and naked and your…’ Mickey thinks to himself and stops to look at himself. He’s eternally freaking out now. ‘Well you’re dripping fucking water all over the floor. Nice Mick really nice! What the fuck go get changed dumb ass before Ian see you!’

 

“Shit” Mickey says to himself out loud this time and goes to the bathroom to changes out of his wet clothes. As soon as he’s done, Mickey comes out of the bathroom, and is now in a white tank top with black sweat pants on. He went straight into the sala and turned on the TV while waiting for Ian. Mickey kept wondering why it wasn’t weird for him yet it was weird for him at the same time; because well Ian was here and well…they were alone. Like alone, alone. His thoughts were cut off when Ian came in the room and sat right next to him. Mickey shifted towards Ian and Ian did the same.

 

 

Without saying a word, Ian leans close to Mickey and kisses him hard. Mickey of course returns the kiss back and grabs a hold onto Ian, bringing him down on the sofa to have him on top of him. Mickey’s loves the feeling of having Ian on top of him and the weight on him is just perfect. He breaks the kiss and looks up at Ian “I love you…I love you so much.” Mickey says to him.

 

 

“I love you to.” Ian says and leans down and kisses Mickey again as his hands start to trail down his side, stopping right on Mickey’s hips. Ian inches his hands over Mickey’s sweat pants and tries to bring them down, but then Mickey stops him. Ian breaks the kiss and looks at Mickey secretly asking him why he stopped him. Mickey just shakes his head no and turns to look away from Ian.

 

 

God he knew this might happen. Ian wanted to sleep with him but Mickey wasn’t sure. He still got nightmares sometimes and flashes of memories. ‘Fuck…I lead him on. Now he’s gonna think I’m more damaged.’ Mickey thought to himself. Mickey feels ashamed that he’s not ready to have sex…At least not yet he feels. The thought of sex still intrudes his mind as a bad thing, but this is Ian. And Ian wouldn’t hurt him, and he knows Ian would understand if he asked him to wait. But he still feels ashamed. Mickey can lie to others about how he feels; he could simply tell them he’s fine with his body. But the truth is……Well he can’t even look at himself in the mirror. When he tries to all he sees is nothing but disgust and a used up body. He feels disgusting and dirty, but he doesn’t want Ian to know that.

 

 

Ian must have sense something wrong with Mickey because he gently takes his right hand touches Mickey’s chin and “look at me” He says lowly at Mickey. Mickey complies and looks at Ian in his eyes. He can tell he’s scared and upset. Sad even, but why? What did he do wrong for Mickey to feel this way all of sudden. Then it clicks to him what he did wrong. ‘Fuck! Nice one Ian’ Ian thinks to him. “Talk to me Mick…what’s wrong? We don’t have to, you know. Do anything. I’m sorry. I love you no matter what okay? Sex or no sex.” Ian says to him

 

 

Mickey then sits up and is playing with his hem of his shirt and is looking away from Ian. Ian looks at him patiently and quietly, waiting of his partner to speak. Mickey feels Ian squeeze his foot and he looks up at Ian. Ian is giving him a small smile and is sitting on the sofa with his legs cross looking directly at Mickey. After about a few minutes of silence Mickey finally speaks. “I don’t know……I don’t know if I’m ready yet….I mean I want to. I really want to.” Mickey says and sighs loudly. “But for some reason I still feel dirty… I still get bad nightmares sometime. But always, I just feel used and dirty.” Was all Mickey said and Ian understood that. He got what Mickey was saying.

 

 

OF course Mickey would still feel this way? Going through what he went through just doesn’t go away overnight. Apart of is it always still with you, but even so, you can’t always let that part control you. Mickey knows this it’s just hard to still deal with.

 

 

“Okay.” Ian says nodding his head. “Why don’t we just cuddle and watch TV or some shit. Play video game and eat a shit loud of stuff, and fuck the outside world. Let it just be me and you in here for a while and let us just enjoy our world away from out there.” Ian says to Mickey smiling fondly at him.

 

 

Mickey smiles and laughs at him “God I hate you red.”

 

 

Ian laughs and shakes his head “No, no you don’t. On the contrary you love me. You even said it yourself. You can’t take that back.” Ian says playfully and smugly to Mickey.

 

 

Mickey goes and tackles him and his straddling him now “You don’t mind right?” Mickey asked Ian.

 

Ian then sits up still holding Mickey in his lap and is rubbing his back. “Of course I don’t mind. And no I don’t think your dirty…I don't think your wrong for not wanting to do it right now either. Whenever you’re ready Mick; whether that’s like 1 year from now or 5 years from now. I’ll wait.”

 

 

Mickey laughs. “Yeah no I don’t think it will take that long.” Mickey says

 

 

Ian smiles at him “Yeah but my point is, whenever you want and you’re sure. Then I can make passionate hot love to you, or just fuck your brains out? Either one you want!” Ian says to him playfully to lighten up the mood.

 

 

Mickey blushes hard now. “Jesus!” Mickey says and puts his head on Ian’s shoulders and just holds him and hugs him tightly. Ian does the same and they don’t say anything for a while. All they do is hold each, taking in one another sent and touch of feel. That’s all they do, and all Mickey wants is to be held and safe. Ian Gallagher is definitely the man to do that for him.

 

 

*********

 

After a few days of it just being them and being alone; they watching different television shows, talking and making out like teenagers; things were moving along great. There was lot of miss calls from his siblings and even Colt, on both his and Ian’s phone. But Mickey didn’t bother to answer them or acknowledge any of it. What he wanted to do was stay inside his bubble that him and Ian had from just a little while longer.

 

Today was a quiet day, they didn’t talk as much, not after Mickey woke up from a nightmare that morning. He let Ian sleep with him in his bed, all they did was cuddle and hold one another for now. But last night his dreams felt so real; he woke up screaming with tears in his eyes saying he was sorry over and over again. Ian tried to reassure him that it wasn’t his fault; that he was okay and safe with him here at home. So today was a quiet one for them both. After spending what felt like hours on the sofa watching bad movies on Netflix for the night; Mickey got up from the sofa and reach out his hand for Ian. Ian automatically took Mickey’s hand, and together they walked into Mickey’s room and went to lie in bed.

 

 

So now Mickey and Ian were lying in bed just holding each other again like they had been now for a few nights. It felt right and Mickey felt much safer than he ever could. Ian wasn’t pushing, he was just there listening to Mickey and watching over him. Mickey then decides to turn around and look up at Ian and smiled. Meeting his green eyes. Ian placed his hand on Mickey’s jaw and slowly lowered himself connecting his lips with Mickeys.

 

 

Mickey automatically gave in, and kissed Ian hard at first, than Ian sucked on Mickey’s bottom lip only biting down gently making Mickey moan. Mickey sucked on Ian’s lips and broke from the kiss pulling back slightly. He had hooded eyes; he looks up at Ian with lust. Mickey knew right then and there he wanted Ian. More now than ever, it was the right time for him. He wanted to feel something good, pure, and right for once. Love, he wanted it more in an intimate way. He wanted to feel all of Ian and he wanted Ian to feel all of him.  Ian didn’t see anything wrong with Mickey, and he was willing to wait as long as it took for Mickey to want to sleep with him intimately. Well tonight was that night and Mickey wanted it.

 

 

Mickey lean in closer to Ian and then kissed him again deepening the kiss. He grabbed on to Ian’s hair tugging it lightly. That lights something up in Ian. Ian was hesitant but he then moved on top of Mickey. Mickey wrapped his arms around Ian grabbing his shoulders from underneath him and lightly scratching his back. Ian moaned at the action and then he grabbed Mickey back slightly rough but kissing him softly.

 

 

The blood flow of their bodies rushed down and the feeling was amazing. It went from their stomach to their legs, causing the only reaction that gave them both this amazing feeling. Their hands were all over each other and that kiss. Kissing Ian was the most amazing thing ever, and Mickey got lost in it. Tasting Ian’s tongue as it moved inside his mouth, and carding his fingers through Ian’s hair making the hair on Ian’s body raise up.  Both men were hard now and Mickey wasn’t hesitant this time he wanted this, and he wanted it with Ian.

 

 

Making out and feeling each other was amazing, but Mickey wanted more. He can tell that Ian wanted more too, by the feel of it anyways. Mickey somehow got on top of Ian as the rolled over and now. Mickey broke away from the kissed and looked down at Ian. They were both breathing heavy and Mickey was memorized at how Ian is looking at him. Mickey sat up more and took off his shirt, Ian sat up as well. He looks over at Mickey waiting for some kind of signal to make sure it was okay for him to do the same thing and not just assumed.

 

 

Mickey then looked at Ian’s eyes and knew there are no words that need to be spoken. Mickey smiles, he leans in and kisses Ian, while removing Ian’s shirt for him. Mickey takes a second to look at Ian’s body. He was looking at the scars on his body, and examining them as if it was the first time, but in a way it was. For the first time he was seeing Ian’s body exposed as himself, and not as Nick. He let his fingers linger over his chest, and his stomach; he then touched his muscular arms and traced his fingers around them. Mickey sat up on the bed more looking at Ian and used both his hands to touch his chest, and it was as if he’s in amazement of how beautiful Ian was. His eyes connected with Ian, and Ian looked worried at first. But then Mickey smiled at him and leaned in to kiss him, and it was an instant relief.

 

 

The kiss was a bit more rough and needy, Ian then rolled Mickey on to his back and Mickey bit Ian’s bottom lip gentle at first, then more rough when they continued to just kiss. Ian’s reaction was to kiss Mickey deeper and longer. With their tongues tangling together, both of their heart beats were beating faster and they were just enjoying this moment of absolute bliss.  Mickey wanted to feel this, feel how good it is to feel good, and not feel bad about it. He wanted the moment of ecstasy, that feeling of relief, that feeling of something so good, that it can be good and not bad. That feeling of not feeling used or dirty, Mickey wanted to feel needed and Ian was gonna make sure of that.

 

 

Everything else to them he wants it to be faded away and it is. No one, no one on the outside world right now matters, but him and Ian. Mickey scratches Ian’s back lightly and Ian must love it because he shivers at the touch and feel of this action. He starts to move his hips and Mickey can’t help but want it. Ian then pulls away from Mickey and looks down at him. “Do you want this…if you don’t it’s okay-we don’t have to.” Ian says but Mickey cuts him off by bring him down for a hard kiss and they begin to kiss again.  Ian moves from kissing Mickey to kissing down his neck and he nips at his earlobe sucking on it lightly then goes back to his neck. He’s kissing him and sucking on Mickey’s neck where his pulse is at and that makes Mickey moan.

 

 

Ian then starts to kiss down from Mickey’s Neck to his chest. Ian makes an open mouth kiss on Mickey’s chest and goes to his swirls his tongue around his nipples causing Mickey to grab tightly and tug on Ian’s hair and moan out loud.  That causes chills down Ian’s back. He begins to sucks on Mickey’s nipples and Mickey’s hips jolt up in reaction. All Ian wants to do is make Mickey feel good, and that is exactly what he is going to do. Ian wanders further down Mickey’s body kissing his abs and biting on them gently causing them to be marked. Mickey is loving it by the way he breaths out. “Oh God” and continues to tug on Ian’s hair gently. Ian’s fingers hook under Mickey’s boxers and Ian looks up at Mickey making sure he’s comfortable with this.

 

When Mickey raises his hips up to Ian signalling him the okay, Ian pulls down Mickey’s boxers slipping them off throwing them to the floor. Ian looks down at Mickey hard on, and sits up slowly in between Mickey’s leg. Mickey looks up at Ian and is biting his bottom lips and raises eye brows playfully at Ian. Ian smiles down at Mickey and removes his own boxers and he sees Mickey eyeing him up and down full of lust and want. Ian leans down begins to kiss Mickey’s right thighs from his knees up, while his other hand moves up and down on his left thigh. Ian trails kisses on the inside of Mickey’s thigh now and he can feel Mickey skin shiver as he gets closer and closer to Mickey’s cock. Ian then kisses up to Mickey’s hip and sucks a hickey right on his hip. Ian hears Mickey murmuring his name from a moan. Ian’s loving how Mickey’s body is reacting to his touches, to his kisses, to whatever he is doing to him.

 

 

When Ian runs his hands up and down Mickey’s thighs again, he then takes Mickey into his mouth and he hears Mickey gasp in a low moan his name “Ian…hmph” and he hears Mickey sighed in relief at the same time. Ian is sucking on the tip of Mickey’s cock and uses his hand to work the rest of Mickey. Ian is lost in the sounds Mickey is making and of the taste of him. Mickey then starts to say Ian’s name over and over again and that encourages Ian to work his tongue around Mickey swirling it around. Doing things to him that Mickey has never felt before.

 

 

Mickey can feel everything and it’s as if he’s waited forever to feel like this. He feels Ian lick over the slit of his cock and it sends a shiver again through his body. Mickey can feel Ian trail his tongue down his vein and lick and suck on base of his head.  Ian is twisting his wrist at the same time as he is sucking on the head of Mickey’s cock, causing Mickey to fist the sheets and throw his head back into the pillow and moan Ian’s name out louder. Mickey turns his head to the left side of the pillow and his trying hard not to moan louder as Ian does something with his tongue. His eyes are screwed shut and his breathing is becomes more rapid.  Mickey is tugging on Ian’s hair more and involuntary thrusting up into Ian’s mouth.

 

 

Ian lets out a moan, humming around Mickey, tasting him more as he taste his precum on his tongue. That causes more shivers of sensation in Mickey. Mickey then jolts his hips up again, but Ian holds him down preventing him from fucking up into his mouth again. Ian is sucking down on Mickey now, opening his throat more taking Mickey all the way down.  “IAN!” Mickey sounds like a wreck and grabs Ian by the shoulders and pulls him up to him.

 

 

They each surge to each other and kiss; kissing deeply tugging on each other. They both break away from the kiss breathless and Ian is looking down at Mickey. Mickey is looking up at him. No words are being exchange, just looks. Looks of lust, of life, of hope, and joy, of wants, and needs. Looks of love, and happiness. “Making love to me.” Mickey says emotionally “I want to know what it feels like…Ian make love to and only me.” Mickey says to Ian as if he in the brink of tears. Mickey’s eyes are glassy, but nothing comes down his face. He’s emotions are everywhere and now he needs Ian to do this for him.

 

 

Ian places his forehead against Mickey’s and kisses him now softly and passionately. His tongue slowly enters Mickey’s mouth and Mickey willingly lets it in. Mickey under Ian was mindlessly roaming his hands all over Ian as his fingers swept over his abs and over his hips squeezing them. Then he grabbed Ian’s ass. Ian roamed his hands on Mickey’s night stand to find the lube.

 

Once Ian has the lube, he sits up and both men lock their eyes together breathing slightly heavy. Mickey takes his left hands and places them on Ian, cupping his face and swipes his thumb across Ian’s cheek. Mickey then takes his right hand and brushes some of the hair on Ian’s forehead away from his face and smiles up at him. Ian takes his right hand and also does the same movement as Mickey did, moving his hair away from his face. He then slowly leans down and kisses Mickey. Mickey’s hands wonder down Ian’s back towards his ass and grabs it firmly. Rubbing both their erections together making them both moan in pleasure.

 

 

Ian then grabs the pillow and positions it up under Mickey’s hips. Ian then opens up the bottle of Lube without taking his eyes off Mickey who is now looking at Ian smiling biting his bottom lip again. Once Ian has the lube in his hand, and it’s on his fingers. Mickey sit up on his elbows tilts his head to the side and smirks at Ian giving him a playful look of lust in his eyes. Mickey leans more on his left elbow as he lift his right arms up and curves his fingers into a fist except his index finger and makes a motion with his finger for Ian to come up to him. Ian crawls up onto Mickeys, and Mickey grabs him fiercely kissing him while leaning down on the pillow.

 

 

This playfully manner has Ian going wild, but he’s steady as well. Ian kisses down to Mickey’s chest and Mickey opens his legs up as Ian sinks in one finger into. Ian then goes back up and kisses Mickey as he feels him tense up around his finger. Ian moves his finger slowly inside and out of Mickey so he can relax him more, while kissing him gentle around his face. Mickey is moaning and that makes Ian’s mouth tremble with pleasure. Mickey was tight considering that last time him and Mickey were in bed and that Mickey slept with someone was right before he was integrated. Ian then added another finger into Mickey slowly as he coached him. He wanted to make sure Mickey was still okay with them being intimate and if need be, he would stop right then and there. But Mickey grunted and was looking at Ian with love in his eyes. Ian is now opening Mickey up more. Mickey’s mouth is now open at the sensation he’s feeling. The feeling of Ian’s fingers inside him has him feeling buzzed and he tries to push deeper onto Ian’s fingers. He wants more and Ian gets the message. Ian is still kissing Mickey, at the same time he pushes in the third finger into him. He doesn’t want hurt Mickey in any way considering it’s been a long time since he’s been with someone in bed, and that he’s choosing to do this now with Ian. Remembering everything horrible about sex was the only thing Mickey knew. Forget about the other times he hooked up with people, forget about when Nick was out, forget about when he was with Colt and didn’t know about Ian. Right now at this moment, this moment counts more than anyone could ever imagine. Being able to give yourself up to someone you love, and asking them to take care of you in a way that you know can break you was what Mickey was doing. Allowing Ian to break his wall and trust him.

 

 

For Ian, there is somewhat pressure to making sure he makes this experience for Mickey better than anything. Making love is one thing; it’s what Mickey wants. He wants to know how good it’s supposed to feel, what it’s supposed to feel like, to experience it on a level that most people know. And Ian will do just that for him. Ian then pulls away from kissing Mickey and watches Mickey’s reaction as he fingers go deeper inside of him. Mickey’s mouth is parted slightly and his eye brows are tightening together as his eyes are closed. His face is relaxed and now he’s biting his lips and he pushes his head further back into the pillow.

 

 

Ian lets Mickey take some control in this. It’s important that he does; Mickey is trying to ground down on Ian’s fingers and once Ian crocks his fingers inside of Mickey at certain angle. “Oh Fuck!” Mickey moans out and his hips go up and he’s grinding down more in Ian’s fingers. Ian knows he’s found Mickey’s prostate. Mickey opens his eyes and their hooded. He grabs Ian by the neck and brings him down for a kisses as he leans up for one at the same time. The kiss his sloppy and Mickey is squirming under him wanting more. Ian grabs Mickeys cock and is pumping him slowly. Mickey is kissing Ian harder now and moving his hips up and down faster, fucking himself on Ian’s fingers and thrusting up into his hand. “Ian!” Mickey said and Ian didn’t need to be told anything more, he removed his fingers from inside of Mickey at which he heard a small whimper.

 

Ian then coated himself up with lube and lined himself up with against Mickey. Ian looked up at Mickey to making sure he was comfortable and ready. Mickey nodded his head yes. Once Ian got his confirmation from Mickey, he then slowly entered himself half way into Mickey; who then groaned out and flew his head back at the slight pain of sensation he was feeling. Mickey was tight and Ian also groaned at the feeling of pressure around him. Ian was trying hard not to explode right then and there, he wanted so much to just thrust into Mickey hard and fast but he knew he had to take his time and go at Mickey’s pace.  Ian moved slowly in and out of Mickey; Mickey held on to Ian tightly clenching around him. Ian then pushed in more slowly and was moaning involuntarily now, losing himself in Mickey. 

 

 

Mickey let out a noise somewhat of a chocking noise and he was gasp for air, Mickey grabbed Ian’s forearms and held on to them tightly. He calmed his breathing down, and was relaxing as Ian continued to slowly bottom out inside of him. When Mickey seems to be adjusted to Ian’s length and the feel of him inside of him, Ian made sure he was okay. “Are you okay baby?” Ian said breathless catching his breath and steading it.

 

 

Mickey opened his eye and looked up at Ian “Yes” he said “Move…you can move” Mickey panted and was already sweating.

 

 

So with that response, Ian started to move at a slow steady pace. Ian’s arms caged Mickey’s head, Mickey moved his hands to Ian’s face and brought him down to kiss him just as Ian continued to thrust into him slowly. “Deeper” Mickey whispers to Ian. So Ian responded and thrust slow but deep into Mickey, sending all kinds of pleasure threw the both of them. Mickey moaned out as he kissed Ian and Ian did the same. Mickey broke the kiss, but kept his hand on Ian’s head that ended up carted threw his hair. As Ian began to go deeper and harder, Mickey response was gripping hard on Ian’s hair and clenching more around Ian.  “FUCK!” Mickey chocked out as Ian shifted his angle inside of Mickey hitting his prostate.

 

 

The pleasure wasn’t new, but it felt new to Mickey. He arched his back up every time Ian hit that same spot over and over, deeper and hard and slow. Mickey’s arms went underneath Ian’s. Ian leaned down and put his face in Mickey’s neck sucking and kissing on it. Mickey’s eyes rolled back and his mouth was parted. The sounds Mickey was making was wrecking Ian, and he began to go slightly faster; Mickey didn’t protest it at all, in fact he tugs Ian’s hair more and arched up again. His eyes were rolling back again at the sensation and he was going come. He can feel his orgasming coming up in his stomach, the sensation of pleasure and that feeling coming all over him as Ian continued to go faster and deeper and harder “I’m gonna……Ian I’m gonna-” Mickey moaned out loudly.

 

 

Ian then removed himself from Mickey’s neck and began to kiss Mickey as he continued to move faster inside of him. Wanting Mickey to feel good and cum. “Mick…..shit Mickey… _Fuck_.” Ian said and his thrusted started to become erotic and he was panting into Mickey’s mouth and Mickey was doing the same. Mickey gripped tighter onto Ian’s shoulders and he was coming hard all over his chest and Ian. Ian was fucking into him chasing his orgasm as well and coming hard inside of Mickey. He held Mickey tight going deeper and deeper in him hitting his prostate, while Mickey clenched tightly around Ian causing both men to moan out each other names. The friction and the position they were in had Ian and Mickey feeling amazing, as they were coming riding out their orgasm hitting their climax hard with one another.

 

 

Ian looks down at Mickey, at the same time Mickey opens his eyes and smiles up at Ian. Ian leans down and kisses Mickey softly. His fully lips on Mickey’s and Mickey never wanted it to stop. After a few minutes Ian was still inside of Mickey, and that was because Mickey didn’t want him to move. Mickey stood lying down running his hands all over Ian’s face, his chest, and god did he examine ever fucking freckle in his body. Ever cut, ever muscles he has, ever scar on his body that he could see. Mickey didn’t want Ian to move, he just wanted to stay like this forever.

 

 

However if they continued to stay like this, Ian would end up getting hard again. “Mick?” Ian asked Mickey who was just looking at Ian smiling and biting his lip. Ian knew he was being a little shit now. “Mick babe? I have to move you know.”

 

 

“Why?” Mickey said innocently trying hard to hide his smile.

 

 

“Because if not, then I’m gonna get hard again and want to fuck you.” Ian said chuckling.

 

 

Mickey rolled his eyes and looked at Ian playfully “That’s not a problem for me, not anymore that is.” Mickey said and leans up to kiss Ian, bring him down. “I can go for another round.” Mickey whisper at Ian and kissed him hard at the same time his hands were trailing down grabbing Ian’s ass and pushing Ian into him. Ian soft cock was now getting hard again. Both men moaned and Ian yelped when Mickey went ahead and squeezed his ass harder.

 

 

“God I’ve missed you.” Ian said when he broke the kiss from Mickey and rested his forehead on his.

 

 

Mickey was panting and opened his eyes looking up at Ian “Me to.”

 

 

Needless to say, they definitely had another round or two….or three. I mean you can imagine right. Come on! Lol

 

*********

 

Waking up to Ian was the most gratifying thing Mickey could have felt. Over the past few days he felt like this, but last night…well last night was different and this feeling was different. It felt warm and just right; Ian was holding him tight and Mickey didn’t mind.  This was them, this was real and Mickey wasn’t dreaming it. Mickey turned in Ian’s arms and smiled at him. Ian looked so peaceful sleeping. Mickey leaned in and kissed him making Ian smiled in his sleep. Mickey giggled; little and slowly he removed Ian’s tight grip off of him; Mickey had to pee so he got up from bed and found Ian’s pants and put them on. He went to relieve himself and washed his face and brushed his teeth.

 

 

When Mickey looked up at the mirror and was stunned to see himself…..Like actual himself smiling and blushing red. He was happy and for the first time in a long time, he knew what he wanted more than anything in life. And that was to be free and happy. Ian was his guardian angel and it was because of his illness that he found him. It’s funny how life works that way huh?

 

 

Mickey walks out of his bathroom and goes straight into the kitchen to get something to eat for him and his partner. Mickey smiled at the thought of Ian being his partner. Then his smiled faded……Ian was leaving…Ian might leave anyways? What if this was a goodbye and Ian had to go to the fuck…. Mickey swallowed his thoughts at the thought of Ian leaving once he woke up. Over the past few days Ian did say he was in contact with his commanding officer discussing a few things. What if Ian had to go back and this was a goodbye. Mickey knew he would break even more.

 

 

*****

 

Ian felt a kiss on his lips and smiled. He held tightly onto Mickey and yes this was his Mickey. He got him…fuck he missed this. Ian continued to drift in and out of sleep. When he got up, he notice that someone wasn’t with him; he got up nervous and scared that Mickey had regret sleeping with him. Instant guilt came over Ian. Maybe he was to rough, maybe Mickey was upset with him, maybe this was like a get his brains fuck out kind of thing and then he would go back to Colt.

 

 

Ian got up and tried to look for his clothes but he didn’t find them. He then went into Mickey’s dresser and got out some sweat pants and a shirt and puts them on. Ian walked out of Mickey’s room and heard nothing at first. The initial panic started again, but then Ian heard sounds coming from the back room of Mickey’s apartment. Ian followed the sounds into one of Mickey’s room; once he got to the room he stopped and looked at Mickey as he was looking out at the window listening to a song being played. Mickey looked content, yet sad as he was leaning up against the wall holding himself. Ian heard him sniffle and he saw Mickey look down at a something.

 

 

Ian then walks into the room and Mickey notice. He turns around to look up and sees Ian and smiles at him brightly. “You’re up! I didn’t hear you get up.” Mickey said to him.

 

 

Ian nodded his head and looks at Mickey again. He looked like he was crying, but here he was smiling at him “You okay?” Ian asked him and Mickey nodded his head yes “You sure because you look like you’ve been crying.” Ian said to him and Mickey shrugged his shoulders and looked down at the floor again then outside the window. Ian came from behind him and wrapped his arms around Mickey holding him tight. Mickey did the same holding Ian’s arms tightly around him. “What’s wrong baby?” Ian asked him again kissing the back of Mickey’s head.

 

 

Mickey held Ian tighter “Are you gonna leave me? ...You were leaving when you stopped and found me…… We’ve been here held up in the apartment for a few days and you’ve been talking to your old boss or whatever……So are you leaving?” Mickey said not turning around to look at Ian, because he couldn’t bare the thought of Ian leaving. Not when he just got him back and not when he finally got things right.  But for Mickey things this good didn’t last for him. So he held his head high and expected the worse answer to come out of Ian. Telling Mickey yes he had to leave.

 

 

Ian held Mickey tighter and he heard Mickey hitch his breath as he inhaled. Ian could tell Mickey was crying or trying not to. Ian looked over the Chicago city view. “No-no I’m not leaving.” Ian said and Mickey turned instantly to look up at him with such hope in his eyes, yet he was scared as well. “I’m not leaving you, not just when I got you back.” Ian said looking at Mickey and kissed him with no hesitation. Mickey kissed him back without a thought. And smiled up at Ian.

 

 

 

“So where does this leave us? Are we together or… I mean…fuck. Do you still love me?” Mickey asked Ian. Ian was slightly thrown off by Mickey’s question, but he wasn’t finished yet. “Because you fucking better Ian Gallagher. Or I will rip your dick and shove it up your ass! These past few days have been what I think us being together. So…we’re together right?” Mickey said to Ian with no heat behind his voice, but simply calm and playfully manner

 

 

“Well do have an option here or” Ian try to say, but Mickey cuts him off.

 

“No. No you don’t.” Mickey shakes his head “Nope, Nooooo, nah No option you're stuck with me.” Mickey said to him and smiled. “Now let’s gets some fucking food to eat, I’m starving!” Mickey said and dragged Ian out of the room into the kitchen to eat a late brunch.

 

 

Ian then stops to look at Mickey and smiles at him. Mickey turns around and looks at Ian and smiles back, motioning for him to move and follow him. That was when it hit Ian. Mickey was definitely his one and only. Mickey was it for him and that was a fact that no one could deny. Mickey smiles at Ian again and walks up to him and places his arms around Ian's waste. "You’re my one and only to Ian." He says smiling at Ian and kissing him.

 

 

Ian Looks at Mickey, he had no idea he was speaking out loud and Mickey just laughs at him. "I think this is the most I've ever seen you smile." Ian says to him

 

 

"Oh yeah? Says the guy who was just talking to himself, and I thought I was the crazy one." Mickey says and laughs at himself. "Come ooooon. I'm hungry and I want you help me make something to eat, which requires me looking at you cook half naked!" Mickey said walking away from Ian into the kitchen.

 

 

Ian walks to him. "Hey wait! If I'm cooking then what are you gonna be doing?" Ian asked Mickey while grabbing him by the hips and kissing him on the neck.

 

 

"Oh Me!" Mickey said as he points to himself. He breaks free of Ian’s hold and hops up on the counter. "I'm gonna be monitoring you and making sure you cook as I check you out! You know to make sure my health is okay!" Mickey says playfully and smirks at Ian raising his eye brows up and down.

 

 

Ian snorts and mumbles “asshole.” under his breathe.

 

 

Mickey laughs and said "Yeah but you love it!" and continues to stare at Ian as he bends down and gets the pots from underneath the counter.

 

**********

 

 

After eating brunch, both Ian and Mickey went to lay down back in bed; Ian was lying on his back and Mickey was snuggled up against him lying down on Ian’s chest. Both men have their eyes closed when Mickey’s cell phone goes off. Mickey grunted and then looked up at Ian who smiled at him. Mickey reached over Ian to get his phone that was on the night stand. When Mickey lays back down on Ian and looked at his phone he sighed loudly and put the phone to the side and just held Ian.

 

 

“Who is it?” Ian said tiredly opening his eyes. Mickey moved and looked up at Ian and shows him the phone of who was calling yet again. Ian raised his eye brows at Mickey who did the same thing. “Colt.” Ian said with a frown on his face

 

 

Mickey nodded his head “Yup…that asshole.” Mickey said dryly and frowned at the thought of talking to Colt.

 

 

“You gonna talk to him or what?” Ian asked

 

 

Mickey sat up and looked over at Ian “Yeah. But I don’t wanna right now. Right now what I want is sleep and not to think about the outside world. Plus tomorrow I have therapy and you’re coming with me Red.”

 

 

Ian looked up and Mickey “What?”

 

 

“Yup! Me and you at my session. You’re part of my life now more than ever. And I want you to be with me.” Mickey simply said

 

 

“Yeah? Yeah I think I can handle that.” Ian said sarcastically 

 

 

Mickey snorted “not like you have a fucking choice.”

 

 

“You know?” Ian said leaning on Mickey “I like how you think you can tell me what to do now?”

 

 

Mickey looked over at Ian and smirk “That’s because I can!” Mickey said and slaps Ian’s thighs and runs out of the bed into the sala.

 

 

Ian was behind him chasing him around the house. Both men were running around the apartment acting silly. They didn’t hear the front door open and close as someone was coming into the apartment. Ian tackled Mickey onto the recliner and Mickey yelp out laughing. Mickey was laughing kissing Ian, and Ian was kissing him.

 

 

Both Mickey and Ian had stopped wrestling and kissing, playing around when they heard someone clear their throat and say “What the Fuck!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY RIGHT! lol see I told you guys they would end up together. lol I had to reedit again thanks to Mary for pointing out something went wrong with the chapter so I hope you guys get to read it again and not get confused. I don't know how it double on it but I fixed it.
> 
>  
> 
> So yeah they got together and yes I'm not the best at smut writing I did try thats what took me forever to be honest. I just don't know how to put into so much of words when it comes to smut writing but I hope i justified it as best as I can for you guys.
> 
>  
> 
> So well I have about maybe 2 more chapters left or not. Im not sure. but this baby is almost done. so I thank you all and I love yah all. xoxoxoxo you guys let me know how you like this chapter. and i know your wondering who the hell just walked in Mickey's apartment? Well can you guys guess? I bet you won't guess who, but if you do guess right i'll tell yah lol


	32. I’m free…I rather be me and be free

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OOOOOOOkay my beautiful people lol I haven't updated this in a while. I do apologies for that and I hope this makes up for it. Now again I have no beta so all mistakes are on me, and I do apologize. In addition writing smut is something I still feel like Im like i dont know not good at, but there some in this chapter. I also try to make this chapter funny and have some humor in it. I can tell yu this much that there should be about 2 more chapters left. Depending on how im viewing everything. I figured I give you guy some fluff and humor before shit gets real in the next chapter. Cant say and wont say. love you all really. For still reading this for being around and for your comments and kudos and subscriptions to this fic. This is my first fic and yeah you can say I'm trying to hold off on finishing it, but she has to finish soon. But not before I rile you guys up lol. again love your comments kudos and love. Please let me know what you think of this chapter.

Both men stopped doing what they were doing, when they heard someone clear their throat and say “What the fuck?” Ian and Mickey both looked over at the person that intruded their apartment. Ian got up and tried to cover himself with a pillow since both men were naked running around the house. But Mickey just got up and laughed before he spoke “What the fuck are you doing here? How did you get in the apartment?” he asked

 

Iggy of course was still trying to not look at his brother junk and his brothers well, he’s assuming him and Ian made up, so boyfriend? Yeah, he’ll go with that till he asks Mickey. But yeah he was trying not to look at his brother and his brother’s boyfriends junk. Not to say that he wasn’t excited for his brother, but he really didn’t want to see them naked and fucking on the sofa.  Iggy was covering his eyes with his hands as he spoke “Yeah well Mandy gave me the passcode and you left your keys at her place. And since you decided not to text anyone or call any of us to let us know you were at or have been at for a few days now, I decided to try here. We’ve been looking for you! So I thought maybe you would be here.” Iggy said. Iggy decided to open his eyes and look at his brother but then closed them again quickly seeing as Mickey was still standing naked in front of him.  “Could you please put some fucking clothes on, I don’t want to see your dick Mickey!” Iggy said

 

 

Ian had already retreated to the room to put some sweat pants on, and when he came out he gave Mickey a pair who seemed not to care if he was naked or not. This was the confident Mickey that no one never really got to see. So it was pretty amazed at how free Mickey was.

 

 

“Here babe put this on!” Ian said throwing the sweat pants at Mickey.

 

 

Mickey caught the pants and just shrugged while putting the on “What? It’s not like he doesn’t have the same fucking thing.” Mickey said and then looked at Iggy who had his eyes closed not facing his direction. “You can fucking open your eyes dumb ass.” Mickey said to Iggy

 

 

Iggy sighs in relief and turns to look at his brother and Ian. He can tell he interrupted some kind of sexual play, because both man were flushed and Mickey and Ian had marks on their body. Well mostly Ian, it looked like Mickey must have devoured him or something. That made Iggy smile.

 

 

“Soooooo.” Iggy started off to say “I’m assuming you guys are like…What together? Like again officially Ian and Mickey kind of thing?” Iggy asked playfully

 

 

Mickey looked at his brother like he really was stupid. “What the fuck do you think Viggo.” Mickey said

 

 

Iggy laughed. “Fuck you! And don’t call me by my fucking name asshole! What the fuck do you expect me to think? I have to make sure right?” Iggy said instead of asking. “Besides... (Iggy said looking at Ian and then at Mickey) Judging from the size of his dick, there was no way you were gonna pass up an opportunity not have him fuck you.” Iggy said and that got him a pillow throw at him.

 

 

“Fuck you Iggy!” Mickey said blushing. Ian was laughing while sitting on the recliner now. Mickey turned to his laughing “stop fucking laughing you asshole!” Mickey said smiling and punched Ian’s arm. He then looked back at Iggy “What fucking makes you think he’s not the one taking it, you fucking dick.” Mickey said to his brother with no heat behind his voice

 

 

“Hey!” Ian says looking at Mickey. Mickey shrugs his shoulders and looks at his brother who is laughing.

 

 

“One because you’re slut.” Iggy simply said

 

 

“Fuck you! No I’m not” Mickey said defensively. He knew his brother was joking but still.

 

“2, Because judging by Ian’s package…(Iggy gave his brother an assumed face and smiled at him) yeah you definitely are taking it, because I know I would.” Iggy said laughing

 

 

Mickey laughed “Who’s the slut now huh?” Mickey said smacking his brother over the head

 

 

“You still are.” Iggy said and grabbed his brother and put him in a head lock while he spoke to him “Nice of you to fucking tell us you were shacked up with Ian you ass!” Iggy said and let his brother go “You had us worried. Mandy said she called Debbie, and Debbie said you went by there, but you were upset. So we tried to call you but nothing.” Iggy said and looked at him and smile “But now I can see why.” Iggy said and was biting his tongue trying not to say what he wanted to say.

 

 

Mickey on the other hand knew his brother “Say it!”

 

 

“Say what?” Iggy said looking at his brother innocently and the smiled at him mischievously. “I got nothing say baby bro!”

 

 

Mickey looked at him and smirk “Bullshit! Say it Iggy!” Mickey said to him. Meanwhile Ian was just sitting down looking back and forth at both Milkovich brothers talking. It amused him and he was just smiling and chuckling.

 

 

Iggy shook his head and laughed then caved in “Okay fine….(he was silent for a moment) So….did yah get your ass hammered in?” Iggy said laughing and Mickey laughed. “Can you even sit down?” Iggy asked laughing then he tried to stop when Mickey punched him in the arm. “okay, okay, okay, no but seriously…..did you guy like…I don’t know make up and this is like official, official.” Iggy said to his brother

 

 

Mickey smile was wide and he looked at Ian who was smiling just as brightly as he was. “Yeah…we ah, we have a few things to talk about, but yeah.” Mickey said shyly.

 

 

Ian stood up and walked over to Iggy “Yeah….so if you would like, you know you can get going, while me and your brother continue to get reacquainted.” Ian said leading Iggy out the door.

 

 

Iggy looked at his brother and Ian and shook his head “Okay, okay.” Iggy said holding up his hands in surrender. He then dropped them and looked at both of them and focused his look on his brother. Iggy couldn’t help but realize how happy his brother actually look, and for the first time in a long time. He saw his little brother smile and be happy. Iggy sighed and then looked at Ian and said seriously to him. “Take care of my brother, or I will hunt you down and kill you.” Iggy said to him strongly and then looked at his brother and smiled.

 

 

Ian understood why Iggy was being over protective of Mickey. Shit he would too if he was him “I will, I always will.” Ian said to Iggy not missing the approval look he gave in.

 

 

Before Iggy left, he told Mickey that Colt was looking for him and that he said he was upset that he left, but also worried as well. Colt was looking for him, and the fact that Mickey practically told him to get the fuck out. Mickey told Iggy not to tell anyone where they were, and that he needed to be alone and away from the world for a while. Iggy knew his brother needed to review everything that happened and then deal with everything else. But if spending time with Ian in his own bubble was what his brother needed, then he would give it to him.

 

 

So now Ian and Mickey were lying in bed again from post sex. Mickey was like a machine and Ian was wondering how the fuck could he keep going. “You know.” Mickey said looking at Ian as he was smoking a blunt. “Sex is good…I mean…I for one can keep going, but you’re like.” Mickey said motion to Ian’s tired self “Fucked out.” Mickey said blowing the smoke away from Ian

 

 

Ian looked over at his boyfriend and sat up a little, leaning on his elbow “You do know I’m a cop right?” Ian said to Mickey

 

 

Mickey nodded his head “Yeah so.” Mickey said carelessly; not giving a fuck and then he thought about it! “Oh shit! I’m sorry babe!” He said and was trying to hand Ian the blunt “You want some?” Mickey said to him smiling like the fucking joker he was.

 

 

Ian could help but laugh at Mickey as Mickey was laughing and still smoking in front of him “You don’t care do you.” Ian said

 

 

“Nooooope” Mickey said and inhaled a good amount in his mouth and went to Ian and put his lips on his and exhaled the smoke into Ian’s mouth who gladly took it. Shot gun was Mickey’s favorite thing to do. Mickey sat back and clipped the blunt. He then went on to straddling Ian again. “You know?” Mickey said in a seductive way. And leaned down to Ian’s ear and whispered in his ear “I love fucking myself on you cock.” He said and bit Ian’s ear lope playfully “I love it when I make you moan…(Mickey was now running his hands down on Ian’s chest looking at him) and love it when you make me scream you name….over (he kissed him on his neck) And over (kisses him on his cheek) and over (kisses Ian on the mouth now; and then pulls slightly back hovering over his lips) and over again.” Mickey smiles at Ian, and by now Ian knows that smile already.

 

 

Ian sits up and grabs Mickey by the ass pulling him near “Are you saying you want me again?” Ian said in a playful tone

 

 

Mickey rolls his eyes at Ian but smirk, and without saying anything to Ian, he leans over to him moving his hips up and sinks in down perfectly on Ian’s cock. Both men moan out and Mickey kisses Ian again. Ian wonders how Mickey can have so much energy, but then again this was Mickey we’re talking about. He’s a new person, a different him that Ian loves even more, not to mention Mickey said he hadn’t had sex in a while. Guess there making up for long time sack.

 

 

Mickey sat on Ian, and Ian places his hands on Mickey’s hips. He grabs them more firmly as Mickey begins to move up and down on Ian at a decent speed. He’s picking up his speed and is mumbling words as he goes. Ian goes and runs his hands on Mickey’s chest as Ian sits up. Mickey continues to rock back and forth on Ian. He mumbles the words out to Ian. “I’m gonna make feel good. I do all the work.” He moans out and continued to ride Ian. His hips start to move more erotic on Ian and the next thing Ian knows it, Mickey is grinding down hard on Ian, rotating his hips over and over again.  He clenches himself around Ian and as he does that he ends up hitting his prostate. His head falls back and he continues to move rotating his hips over and over.

 

 

Ian grips Mickey’s hips more and starts to thrust up into him, making Mickey cry out in pleasure. Mickey looks back down on Ian and takes Ian hands off his hips and pins them above Ian’s head onto the bed. Mickey starts to move much faster, making Ian’s cock go deeper and deeper inside of him as he rides him harder and faster. Both Men are moaning each other’s names and Mickey started to cry out “yes-yes fucking yes….ooooh FUCK!” With the sounds Mickey is making, Ian can’t take it anymore. So he managers to flips Mickey around and pins his hands over his head and thrust hard into. Making his lover cry out more, with tears of joy and pleasure coming out of him “more….hmmm-fuck more baby, Fuck!” Mickey moans out and Ian is giving it to Mickey just like he asks. He loves how vocal in bed he is, and Mickey loves to let Ian know how he’s making him feel.

 

 

“Fuck….Mickey Ima come!” Ian says sounding wreck. He feels his stomach starting to feel that sensation and warmth of pleasure building up.

 

 

Mickey tries and lifts his leg up higher so Ian can get a better access. His eyes rolled back as Ian continues to pistol into him. More moaning and cries were driving Ian insane. Finally Mickey grabbed a hold of Ian with his legs, and locks on wrapping his arms around him. Mickey manages to flip Ian back onto his back and starts to ride Ian cock hard as he is holding on to the bed frame, going up and down on Ian. Ian then thrust up into Mickey and he grabs Mickeys cock and starts pumping Mickey faster. “Ian……oh FUCK IAN- Ian come, come for me please! Hmmmm, fuck! I’m gonna come!” Mickey says as he’s coming all over Ian’s chest and at the same time, Ian was coming inside of him. Both men were still trying to move, to ride out there orgasm. When they were done, they were still.  Mickey looked down at Ian and smiled at him while leaning down to kiss his exhausted but very handsome boyfriend.

 

 

After a while of just laying down next to each other and cuddling Mickey gets up to go clean up. Ian wasn’t too far behind him. They took a long shower together and for a while in the shower Ian just holds Mickey. Mickey leans to Ian’s touch not wanting to move or anything, but stay under the water and be held by Ian.  After the water decided to turn cold, both men existed out the bathroom, deciding that they needed to eat something. Ian cooked and Mickey sat back and watched him cook smiling at his boyfriend. He’s happy, he is very and unconditionally happy and in love with this man.

 

*******

 

After eating food and resting for a bit, Mickey left Ian in the kitchen while he went to go clean up the room. He walked in his room and notice how much of a mess they did in there. Clothes everywhere, bedsheets on the floor and somehow the table lamp was on the floor. He laughed to himself and goes to clean up. After he was done cleaning, he came back to find Ian in the sala sitting down on the sofa looking at something. As Mickey was walking more towards the sofa, he saw what Ian was looking at. It was a photo album, Ian was smiling at a photo and he looked up when he notice Mickey was near him. “That’s you?” Ian said pointing to the picture.

 

 

Mickey leaned over and nodded his head “Yeah….yeah that’s me and that’s Mandy, and Collin right next to us. I think Iggy was taking the picture of us.” Mickey said and sat right next to Ian.

 

 

Ian kept looking at the pictures and making fun of a younger Mickey as a kid. Mickey flipped him off every chance he got. Ian stopped at one picture and looked up at Mickey. “Is that her? Is that your mom?” Ian asked carefully

 

 

Mickey looked over at the picture and didn’t move or say anything for a moment. He stood looking at the picture for a few more seconds and then he just nodded his head. “Yeah……yeah that’s her.” He said sadly “She was beautiful” He simply said smiling at the picture of his mom

 

 

Ian looked up at Mickey and then down back at the picture. He ran his hand over it and then looked back up at Mickey who was now looking at him with glassy eyes. “She was beautiful…you really do look a lot like her when you smile.” He said and he wiped away a tear coming off of Mickey face. The subject of his mother was a touchy one and Mickey didn’t like to talk about it. Even when he was Nick, Ian tried to ask about his parents and that resulted in a fight that Ian had no idea how it happened. And from the looks of it, Mickey didn’t want to talk about her either.

 

 

There was silence in the room for a bit longer till Mickey broke it; he was looking off at something as he started to speak. “You know…Collin says I act just like her. He used to say that mom was always a fighter. She always had a voice, and never let anyone walk all over her… Even when her and this asshole use to fight…he use to say that she fought him back and that Terry was afraid of her…He use to tell me that whenever I would play with my lip when I was thinking or whenever I talked backed or glared at anyone; that-that, that was our mom he saw in me.” He said and looked down at his hand “I never understood what he meant…I never talked back or would get into fights and be bold or whatever. But then that wasn't me…well it was but wasn’t me, me….It was Nick. Nick was more like her….not me.” Mickey said lowly and sad like.

 

 

Ian moved towards him and wrapped his arms around him “But you are.” Ian said and Mickey looked up at him. “You are her…Nick is you Mickey. Always remember that. Now you’re bold, you talk back and don’t give a fuck what no one says. You’re a fighter and always have been. ” Ian said to Mickey.

 

 

“I know, I know it’s just that.  Back then it was him, not me. I mean not…fuck this is always fucking confusing when I try to explain it out loud.” Mickey said

 

 

“I get it…I understand what you mean.” Ian says and gives Mickey a smile. Mickey smiles back at Ian and kiss him.  Both their foreheads where leaned up against each other and they were looking at one another. It was Ian who leaned back and looked at Mickey more, who was now looking at the pictures in the album.

 

 

Ian knew they had to talk about Colt and about them and everything more in depth, but how do you bring up a subject such as that. How do you tell the man that you are in love with that you want to know more about him……and that he has to face his ex-fiancé somehow or someway?  Ian says fuck it and goes for it. “You know we have to talk about it right Mick.” Ian says

 

 

Mickey knew what Ian was talking about and grunted. He sits up more on the sofa and looks at Ian. “Do we have to now? Because I rather be doing you.” Mickey said seductively and goes up and straddles Ian now on his lap.

 

 

However as temping as it is to go another round, Ian wasn’t having any of that. “Oh No-no-no. We’re not doing that again.” Ian said

 

 

Mickey gave him a shocked face. “Not doing what?” Mickey said innocently.

 

 

Ian gave him a face. “You know you have to see Colt and speak to him right? We have to talk about that.” Ian said to him

 

 

Mickey gave Ian a bitch face and mimic Ian’s voice in a childlike manner. “You know you have to see colt and speak to him right” Mickey said and rolled his eyes at Ian.

 

 

Ian gave Mickey a dry face expression look. “Really Mick? Really? You gonna go there?” Ian said

 

 

Mickey looked at Ian and had a playfully innocent face and smirked at Ian. He then sighed and got off of Ian taking the pillow from behind him and sat up more against the sofa. Mickey bit his bottom lip and was playing with the pillow from the sofa “Ian, come on man.” Mickey said not looking at Ian

 

 

Ian shook his head “No Mick. Come on we have to talk about Colt and you know it.”

 

 

Mickey just shrugged his shoulders and looks at Ian. “I kinda don’t wanna Ian.”

 

 

Ian looks at his Mickey, and questioned it. “Why?” was all he asked.

 

 

Mickey sighed and didn’t say anything for a couple of minutes, and then when the silence was too much it was then that he spoke. “Because I kinda feel bad Ian……As much as Colt is a dick…I don’t know, he planned this wedding and everything and I got his hopes up. I kind of feel bad, but…plus (he sighed) I don’t wanna talk about Colt.” Mickey said

 

 

Ian sensed something off with Mickey like he was about to shut down. So Ian moved Mickey forward and sat behind him on the sofa holding him. “Babe? Babe what wrong? Talk to me.” Ian simply said

 

 

Mickey just shrugged and then started talking “I’m sorry, but I’m not sorry. I remember everything and it was like I tried to push those memories away but….Its fucked up I had no way out. Whenever me and him would fight, it sometimes get physical and it sometimes got so fucked up. Fucking emotional baggage…” And as Mickey spoke he remembered so much and so…he told Ian “You know sometimes he use to tell me that I was nothing and that I was a selfish piece of shit….Sometimes he would just down grade me and tell me that I should be lucky to have him because of the way I was, no one would want me……You know, one time that asshole said I was shitty fucking lay. (Mickey chuckled bitterly) I think he just said that so he could try and control me or some shit.”

 

“I mostly did whatever he wanted and it never felt right…us going out, us holding hands, or him kissing me it always felt wrong……and sometimes when we fought I would black out and I never knew why……but now I know and it was because I couldn’t take it.” There was silence in the room and Ian just held Mickey tighter and Mickey held Ian tighter as he spoke again “He’s force himself on me a few times…and those times I tried to fight back but was always scared. Not Sometimes, but many times almost all the time I would black out and….and then I would wake up either alone or next to him and naked. Never knowing what happened, but now I know.” Mickey removed his hands he had on Ian and wiped his face. Ian knew Mickey must have been crying silently because he breathing hitched and he was breathing heavy.

 

 

“You don’t have to talk about it anymore if you don’t want to.” Ian said. He voice was dark and he was pissed. Apart of him wonder if he would have never met Nick, if none of this would have ever happened? Would Mickey still be with Colt right now? He hopes not, but now he was with Ian and Ian would do anything to protect the man he loves.

 

 

Mickey shook his head “Nah man….you’re right we need to talk about it.” Mickey said. So he talked, and he talked for a while about Colt and how he was. There was a few times he stopped and neither he nor Ian said anything, Ian would just wait for Mickey to start up again. Once Mickey was done, he was exhausted mentally all he wanted to do was sleep. So Ian leads him to the room and together they lay in bed holding each other not saying a word. Ian started talking about random shit so that made Mickey laugh, especially about shit he did as a kid and how most likely when they go back to the house tomorrow how Debbie was going to kick his ass. 

 

 

Mickey knew that he had to face Colt and talk to him, but right now all he wanted to do was rest and sleep in the arms of the love of his life. Not pay attention to the world outside or anyone or anything for that matter. Tomorrow would be another day and so tomorrow he can deal with it, or how Ian would say rather tomorrow they will deal with it.

 

*****

 

The next day Ian got up from feeling Mickeys mouth wrapped around his cock. Mickey was a fucking pro and Ian loved it, he felt Mickey playing with the head of his cock and then Mickey’s finger was playing with his rim. If Mickey wanted to top Ian that was fine with Ian, because right now the way Mickey was sucking him off Ian would say yes to anything he asked. Mickey did just that as he continues to suck off Ian, he presses one cold finger into Ian. Ian grasp for air as it feels like the breath was taken out of him. Mickey is fingering Ian as he sucked him off and when he deep throats him a few times adding a second finger and pressing his fingers into Ian sweet spot. It sends Ian into a spiral of pleasure cumming inside Mickey’s mouth without warning him. Mickey swallowed him all and Ian dragged him up and kissed him hard. Mickey laughed into the kiss and savours every bit of it.

 

 

When they were both up and ready to leave and have their day start, Mickey went to his therapy session without Ian, because Ian had to go back to his job and explain to his boss that he was not leaving as he planned on. Luck for him Ian knew the paper work for active leave didn’t full go through yet. It took a while, but at the time Ian didn’t want to stay in Chicago anymore. Anyways, even though Ian wanted to go with Mickey to his appointment, Mickey told him to go to work and make sure he fixed what he needed to fix. 

 

 

So now here was Mickey waiting to see Dr. Jimenez. They had been making a lot of progress and now he was about to tell her just how much. Considering he was supposed to be on his supposed on a month long honeymoon. He wasn’t, he was here to see her.

 

 

“Mickey!? Wow! What a surprise to see you? I thought you would be away for like another 2 in a half weeks.” Dr. Jimenez said. It had been one week and 3 days since everything happened with Ian.

 

 

Mickey laughed and shook his head “No…no I was away in my apartment, but um no. I ah…I didn’t get married to Colt. I ah… I sorta of kind of left him at the reception rehearsal dinner. Not even at the alter like a classic bride would.” Mickey jokingly said to her and in innocent tone.

 

 

Dr. Jimenez looked at him and gave him a curious facial expression. “Kind of sort of how Mickey?” She asked. Now wondering what was going on in her clients mind, and what happened to him? Since the wedding was supposed to happen over a week and a half ago.

 

 

Mickey was playing with his lip and thinking of how to tell his Doctor that ‘hey so I left that asshole and went with my heart’ that shit sounded like a cliché. “I couldn’t marry someone I wasn’t in love with……so I went to find the person I was in love with.” Mickey simply told her.

 

 

Dr. Jimenez nodded her head and raised her eyebrows up at Mickey “Well…tell me. What happened? Did you find Ian?” She said and smiled at Mickey

 

 

Mickey smiled back at her. “How did you know it was Ian?” Mickey asked her.

 

 

“Because the way you always look at him; and because the way he always looks at you. Not to mention this whole wedding thing would have made you miserable.” She simple said to him.

 

 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Mickey asked Dr. Jimenez

 

 

She shook her head at him “That wasn’t my job or place to tell you who you should love and be with……Look Mickey. My job is to help you (She said and pointed at him) figure out what you want in life. My job is to help you move on and deal with the past and help you along the way in the future. My job is to be here for you when you need someone to talk to, to help you deal with the pain and grief of what you have faced. Not to tell you, who you should and shouldn’t be with. I’m here to help guide you and help you heal as much you will let me.” Dr. Jimenez told him.

 

 

Mickey looked at her for a moment and just nodded his head. “Yeah but if you knew that being with Colt would have given me grief and pain why didn’t say anything?” He asked her

 

 

She simply looked at him and gave him a ‘oh really face’ “You of all people know how stubborn you are Mickey. If I would have said something, you probably would have pushed me away like you did Collin and Mandy… Remember when you told me that they came to you and talked to you about how you were miserable with Colt.” Mickey nodded his head and she continued to talk. “You would have pushed me away like you did with them. Plus I’m a professional. My opinion about who you should love is not one you need, but one you simply needed to see for yourself.” She said and smiled at him. “and judging by that” She pointed to his neck where there was a nice mark that Ian had left on him last night when they were making love. “I can see that you have.”

 

 

Mickey laughed and blushed “Yeah…um we did a lot of making up and talking….I ah. I talk to him about Colt and” Mickey said but didn’t continued

 

 

“And what Mickey?” She asked. She knew about Colt and knew she was pushing, but she needed him to face it without being ashamed. Because apart of Mickey was ashamed of himself.

 

 

“I know I have to talk to Colt… but I kind of just want him gone. Like a fucking bug I rather just fucking squash him and be done with him.” Mickey said angrily now. After last night’s talk with Ian. Mickeys feelings for sympathy for Colt were gone and now he was just angry.

 

 

“I sense some angry.” Dr. Jimenez said

 

 

Mickey huffed “You have no idea…it’s like I was holding it in for no fucking reason at all. But now it’s like….like I’m free and I don’t have to be this fucking quiet closed off guy that needs to please everyone….If anything I have to fucking be me and now give a fuck if that asshole or anyone else likes it or not because there not me. I’m me and I rather be free and I rather be me…Mickey!” Mickey tells to her.

 

 

Dr. Jimenez smiled at him and nodded her head “And that you should be Mickey. That you should”

 

*****

 

After his appointment with Dr. Jimenez, Mickey text and called Mandy; they talked for a bit. He told her he was fine and that he was with Ian finally. Mandy squealed over the phone when she heard the news, hurting Mickey’s ears. But right after she started to curse him out. She told him how she was worried about him. He apologized the only way he knew how to “bitch please okay. I said it won’t happen again…next time I’ll send yah ass a fucking post card.” He then called Collin and they talked for a bit as well. His big brother was just happy to hear from him. After being on the phone with Collin for a while he hung up, he text his siblings that he would be going to the shop to work on the car after hours, and to not worry if the alarm went off that it would be him at the shop.

 

 

Ian was still at work working so Mickey text Ian telling him to meet him at the shop, that he would be there today after hours. Ian replies instantly and gives Mickey an emoji happy face with a kiss. Fucking dork Mickey thought to himself, but he loves it.

 

********

Mickey was working under the car making sure the oil was changed. He had on only a white wife beater tank top that was covered in oil and grease and his blue work jeans. Mickey didn’t hear anyone enter the garage, Ian was walking inside. He instantly spotted his boyfriend working under the car, he decided to stand there and admire him work. After a few minutes of just looking at Mickey from across the room; Ian walks further inside of the garage. Mickey could hear someone was inside, he knew Ian was coming over to work after he got out, but Ian didn’t say what time he would be there. So Mickey looks to the side of where the sound was coming from and saw Ian’s work boots from under the car. He smiled to himself and rolls out from under the car. Mickey still has that same smile still on his face as he looks up at Ian who was now looking down at him smiling from ear to ear.

 

 

Mickey sat up and looks up at Ian giving him a mischievous smile. “Sorry officer….we’re ah…we’re kind of close.”

 

 

“Oh is that so” Ian said playfully and going along with whatever Mickey is doing. “Well in that case.” Ian said and helps Mickey stand up, when Mickey reaches up for his hand to help pull him up. “Maybe I can persuade you somehow?” Ian licked his lips “To you know…help me out?” Ian said while smiling at Mickey. Ian moves closer to Mickey until he has Mickey leaning up against the car that Mickey was working on.

 

 

“Hmmmm” Mickey makes a sound and looks into those beautiful green eyes. He smiles at Ian. “I don’t know officer…but boyfriend might get jealous you know…he’s a cop, and ah ex-marine.” Mickey said lowly brushing his lips across Ian’s.

 

 

Ian then grabbed Mickey by his hips and lifted him up on the car hood “Oh don’t worry about that baby.” Ian said and kissed Mickey hard. The kiss was passionate and loving, both men fought for dominance, but Mickey let Ian take control. Mickey grabbed Ian to come closer to him as they kissed and Ian moaned when Mickey squeezed his ass.

 

 

When they broke the kiss, both men were panting and looking at each other with hungry. “The shop is closed…no ones here but me and you.” Mickey said and tugged Ian’s shirt and kissed him hard. This time taking control and biting his lips. Mickey was glad that the car he was working on was his owns. He was able to bless the outside of the car. Him and Ian fucked on top if the hood of the car like teenager and no he did not regret it….he did however forgot that the security camera was on in the garage and well….yeah it caught everything.

 

*****

 

The next day all the Milkovich siblings went to work. Mandy was in the office with Iggy going over paper work and numbers. Mickey and Collin were in the shop working on a few cars. It was Iggy who got an email from the alarm company saying someone was in the building last night, but that the security code was used. Iggy looked at the emailed weirdly so he decided to look at the cameras from last night. He knows Mickey said he came in last night; so Iggy just hoped that Mickey locked up before he left last night at least.

 

 

Iggy pulls up the camera video feed and just sees Mickey working under the car. Nothing wrong with that, then he see Ian coming inside……and then…oooooh. Iggy is blushing while he’s looking at the camera and then he slams the laptop shut! He looks up at Mandy with a smile. Mandy looks at him weird and goes back to her work. She also got an email from the security company and then “Hey Iggy, bring me the laptop so I can open up the camera feed.” She said

 

 

Iggy looks up at her “Why?” he tells her

 

Mandy looks at him and give him a weird look. “Because one I said so and two I got a n email from the security company about someone being here after hours so I want to fucking check it out.” She said and walks over to Iggy’s desk and is about to take the computer when Iggy takes it and holds in his grasp

 

“Ummm…yeah well you know what? I got the same email, and I checked and nothing. So you can go back to work. Plus remember Mickey said he was here last night.” Iggy said casually yet suspiciously

 

Mandy squints her eyes at him and tilts her head. “Well if it’s nothing then I can check for myself big brother (she then got up from her desk and walked towards his desk) you know, to make sure you didn’t miss anything? And to make sure Mickey locked up after he left.” She said and while Iggy was going to say something to her, she grabs the laptop from his desk and moves to the corner of the office desk, where Collin used to sit at before they expanded and he had his own office.

 

 

When Mandy opened up the laptop she was shocked to see her little brother and Ian, and well…they were going at it pretty hard and fast on the car. Mandy instantly blushes and turns red. She looks at Iggy. “You were watching are brother have sex!”

 

 

“What the fuck? No! No I wasn’t okay!” Iggy shouted out in defense.

 

 

Mandy pursed her lips up and raised her eye brows up at him. “Huh, sure okay? You just wanted to see I bet! So why is it that I couldn’t check the cameras myself but yet you can and this is what you find?” she said to him.

 

 

“Because I didn’t want you gouge your eyes out from seeing what I saw.” Iggy said instantly to Mandy.

 

 

And Mandy gave him a face, just then Collin walks in. “Hey!”

 

 

Both Mandy and Iggy turned to look at him “Hey!” they said in unison and Mandy closed the laptop and places it on Iggy’s desk giving him a look.

 

 

Collin looks at his sibling and knows he just walked in on something but chooses to ignore it. He goes to his old desk to look for something not really paying attention to his brother and sister. Mandy and Iggy were talking lowly to each other. Collin then hears a small moaning sound; he looks around his desk to see what it was. It was coming from the laptop on Iggy’s desk. So he turns around to his little brothers work desk and goes to it and opens it. “What the fuck!” Collin yells out and looks up at Iggy and Mandy who were now looking at him with their mouth open ready to say something.

 

 

Just then, Mickey walks in the office and all eyes were on him. “What?” Mickey said looking at his siblings “Fuck yah looking at me for like that?” Mickey said somewhat annoyed.

 

 

“Mickey” Collin said

 

 

“Yeah?” Mickey answered

 

 

“Ummm so what did you do yesterday? Like in here at the shop” Collin asked

 

 

“I worked on my car and then I worked on another car for a fucking customer that was bitching yesterday about some shit.” Mickey said

 

 

“Yeah?” Iggy now said

 

 

Mickey gave him a bitch face. “Yeah? Why? What the fuck the problem? She came in yesterday; bitch got her shit this morning when we opened up.” Mickey simply said and then went to grab a bottle of water from the office refrigerator

 

 

Mandy grinned and looked at Mickey. She crossed her arms over her chest before she speaks to him. “Is that all you did Mick? Like really did?” She said while laughing

 

 

Mickey looked up at siblings “Yeah” He said slowly “why are you asking me stupid fucking question for? You know I was here last night working late. Ian wasn’t going to home till late.” Mickey said

 

 

“Oh we know” Collin said “We got like a full front view of knowing.” Collin said and turned the laptop around showing his little brother on camera.

 

 

Mickey spit up the water he was drinking now and went to grab the lap top from Collin, but Collin got up and ran to the other side of the desk. “No, no way man. This is like good fucking black mail material here.” Collin said laughing

 

 

“Fuck you, give me the laptop.” Mickey said. Meanwhile Mandy and Iggy were laughing “Yah bitches are gonna stand there and laugh and not help?”

 

 

“Why should we? You got caught fucking on top of one of the cars!” Mandy said

 

 

“Oh fuck you! Not like you haven’t done it either bitch” Mickey said

 

 

“Mickey!” Mandy looked at him

 

 

“What!” Mickey simply said

 

 

“Oh okay. I see how it is. You get caught, so now you have to rat on me asshole” Mandy said

 

 

“No-ones ratting on you bitch, you just ratted on yourself.” Mickey said and Mandy stood quiet while her brothers laugh. Mickey turns to Collin and spoke to him as well. “I don’t know why you’re laughing? When you bought this place you and Leah blessed the shit out of this shop. Including where Mandy sits at.” Mickey said

 

 

Collin stopped laughing and turned red “Asshole” Collin said and at the same time as Mandy said “Eww what the fuck!”

 

 

Mickey laughed and so did his brothers and sister. “well shit…I guess we all fucking devirginised this fucking place.” Iggy said and everyone nodded their heads.

 

 

Everything was good until Mickey got a text from Colt and then stopped laughing. Mandy noticed Mickey mood changed instantly “What’s up Mick?” Mandy said

 

 

Mickey looked at his sister and then his brothers and back at Mandy. “It’s Colt….he ah…he’s here. He just text me saying he’s outside my office and waiting to talk.” Mickey said.

 

 

Mickey didn’t want to speak to Colt just yet, but knew he had to. It had been a couple of weeks since everything happened. It was all still fresh and he didn’t want to ruin his moment of bliss, just yet. But he knew he had to kill bug that lingered around and let Colt know, that he was done. I mean not finishing up the reception and not even having the wedding should have given the other man the message, but he still needed an explanation. Mickey needed to tell Colt that he was beyond done, with them with the wedding or what would have been a wedding, should have never happened in the first place.

 

 

So now here was Mickey, and he was prepared to go out to his office to talk to the man he used to have some what of feelings for. The man he used to sleep with…the man that he use to think would be the only one he could get or have. He had to go to Colt, and tell him he couldn’t be with him anymore. No one wants to do that, but it wouldn’t be fair to him or Colt to live a lie. Especially because Mickey didn’t love him, and because he loves someone else, he loves Ian.  However it was Mickey’s idea for Colt and him to meet up and talk at first. Mickey texted Colt that morning telling and apologizing for going M.I.A on him, and leaving without saying a word. He told him that it was best for them to meet up and speak face to face. Colt was eagerly to apply to Mickey. It’s just that Mickey didn’t expect for Colt to show up at his job, and not now at least.

 

 

Mandy walked up to her brother and puts her arm over his shoulder. “You ready… I mean you have to speak to him. Either way we got your back.” She said to Mickey.

 

 

Mickey looks down at the chain that he’s wearing around his neck. It still had his wedding ring on it, the wedding ring him and Ian shared. He then looks back up at his siblings; at his Mandy, at his Iggy and his Collin. There were his family, and he knew they would be there for him. So, Yup! He was ready. He needed to let Colt know that he was done being his tool, being that guy that just listens to whatever his boyfriend said and told him to do, just to please him. Mickey was done pleasing every one; he was done not being free and true to himself. Mickey was done with the abuse, and for years he dealt with it. Even if he couldn’t remember it all at one point of his life what he went through; he remembered it all now, and now he wants and needs to be free.

 

 

Mickey nods his head yes at his sister. “Yeah…fucking yeah I’m ready…I need to be free again…I need to Mickey fucking Milkovich.” He said with a smile.

 

 

And with that Mickey walked out of the office and went towards his office. He knew this was going to be one hell of a conversation, a fight even. He expected the worse, and nothing less from it. And yeah it was going to be the worse.

 

*******

 

When Mickey gets to his office, Colt is outside the door. Colt turns around and sees Mickey for the first time in weeks, and Colt can tell something is different about him. When Mickey walks up to Colt, he can tell Colt is angry, upset, and probably concerned for him, but then again he doesn’t know nor does he care really at this moment what Colt is feeling.

 

 

“Hey” Mickey said. In return Colt said “Hey” right back

 

 

They both walk into Mickeys office, Mickey goes around his desk and has his back turned to Colt. Colt is just standing there looking around the office before he decides to speak. “So…you got something you wanna tell me or what?” Colt said to Mickey bitterly. Mickey didn’t get a chance to respond because Colt continued on talking. “Because for days Mickey! Days! No, not even days Mick! Fucking 2 weeks! I called, I text, I fucking asked your brothers and sister where the fuck were you and nothing! NOTHING! You left me there at our dinner rehearsal, with all our guest asking me where you were! Not to fucking mention I had to tell them that we had to cancel the fucking wedding because something came up. And do you know how fucking embarrassing that was?” Colt said furiously.

 

 

Mickey sighed but didn’t speak. He simply went into his pocket, pulled out the ring that Colt had given him, and placed it on his desk, pushing it towards Colt. Colt looked at the ring then back at Mickey. And Mickey could swear that he’d never seen Colt so sad and heartbroken before. No one spoke for a few minutes; Colt grabs the ring a little while after and there’s still a silence in the room. He looks at it a bit more, than he looks back at Mickey before he spoke. “So what?.... You get cold feet or what? .....You’re gonna fucking give me back my ring and not give me an explanation as to why!?” Colt said with so much heat behind his voice. “You think you can just walk out on me and not fucking explain!” Colt yells. “Explain Mickey! What the fuck!?” Colt shouted even more louder now at Mickey.

 

 

Mickey simply looks at Colt, his face was unreadable. Not even Colt can imagine what Mickey was thinking at this moment. Mickey looks down at his desk and sighed loudly again before he spoke. “If I tell you why……maybe just maybe you might not get it, but then again I’m gonna give you the benefit of the doubt and say you will.” Mickey said to Colt without blinking an eye.

 

 

Colt waved his hands in the air and waits for Mickey to talk. “I can’t marry you because I don’t love you. I’ve never loved you……I can’t marry you Colt because I’m in love with someone else. I can’t marry you because I’m not me when I’m with you. I’m not Mickey and I’m not happy! I want to be happy, and I’m not with you. I don’t wanna have to change and be something I’m not just for you. That’s not love, shit I’m not even sure what love is; but I’m gonna fucking learn it. I’m gonna learn it with someone I can see waking up to every morning and going to bed with every night….Someone who I know won’t fucking hurt me or use my past against me.” Mickey said looking at Colt in his eyes

 

 

Colt was shaking his head “You’re a fucking unbelievable piece of shit you know that?” Colt said angrily. “What am I supposed to tell my parents and everyone?” Colt said still hurt, shocked and upset all at once. “I love you, I have for so long and now it’s the time you want to fucking tell me you don’t want to be with me! And that you’re in love with someone else!” Colt shouted

 

 

Mickey sighed again loudly and shrugged his shoulders. “It was there the whole time man….it was you who didn’t want to see and me who didn’t want to acknowledge it….and I’m sorry I am.” Mickey said and sat on his desk now “But I’m not marrying you and I don’t love you.” Mickey simple said to him “I want to be free….with you I’m not and never will be.” Mickey said

 

 

Colt looked at Mickey with murder in his eyes “Fuck you Mickey! You know what Fuck you. Ever since you became this new fucking person, all you did was change and fucking kick me out of your life like was nothing! So you know what fuck you!”

 

 

Mickey looked at Colt and before he could respond Colt punched him in the face. Mickey retaliated and punched him back. Both Men fought and it only ended when Collin, Iggy, and surprisingly Ian broke up the fight. Ian and Iggy holding Mickey back and Collin holding Colt back pushing him out of the office; Colt looked at Ian and then at Mickey. He nodded his head and gave Ian a look that would have made a normal person get chills down his back, but not Ian. Ian looked at him like he was nothing and directed his attention to Mickey who had a busted lip.

 

 

After everyone was calm and Colt left, Ian and Mickey were left alone in the office by themselves. “So I’m guessing he took the news badly huh?” Ian said putting some ice on Mickey’s head where a bump was forming.

 

 

Mickey chuckled a little “Yeah well, I think I handled it better than I really wanted to.” Mickey said to him

 

 

“Oh yeah and how did you want to handle it?” Ian asked

 

 

Mickey looked up at his boyfriend and smiled “Well…I wanted to take his fucking head and bash up against the wall, and break his fucking mouth so he wouldn’t talk anymore…but I was a good boy and kept my mouth shut.” Mickey said while leaning back against his chair now.

 

 

Ian hummed and looked at Mickey. “You know that’s assault right?” Ian said flirtatiously to him. “I would have to arrest you?” Ian said smiling at Mickey.

 

 

Mickey put down the ice pack he had on his head and smiles at Ian. He bit his bottom lip. “Yeah well, I know this hot guy who could get me off.” Mickey said and now went to play with Ian’s hands “He’s like in love with me, so he would do anything for me. Just like I would do anything for him.”

 

 

“Oh yeah?” Ian said raising his eye brows. “I bet he would.” He said smiling at Mickey, but then he got serious. “You should have let me fucking arrest him. He assaulted you first. He’s lucky I wasn’t fucking here when it all started.” Ian said

 

 

Mickey shook his head “Nah, its fine. He’s just mad I broke up with him, and he’s mad I’m not his, but yours.” Mickey said to him. “Plus...Ian Gallagher.” Mickey said and Ian looked up at him. “He knows he ain’t got shit on you. Nothing! Not a god damn thing. You got the looks, the charm, the height, the body, the personality, the package.” Mickey said laughing and breathed out looking at Ian. “He knows you have more heart than he could ever have….he knows you have my heart and-and that something he can never have Red.” Mickey said to Ian with smile.

 

 

And with that Ian’s heart skipped a beat. Mickey is the most beautiful person he has ever met in his entire life….and god does he want to spend the rest of his life with him. He hopes Mickey does to. In fact, Ian thinks and knows he does for sure, he just Mickey does to as well. “Yeah…yeah I guess so.” Ian said to Mickey “I love you.”

 

 

Mickey blushed and smiled “I love you too.”

 

*****

A few days past after the whole fight with Colt; Mickey was okay. He and Ian were okay. Going back to the Gallagher house well, let’s just say Debbie had a mean right hook, and Mickey was so beyond happy that he didn’t meet the end of that. Debbie was mad at Ian for all but 5 seconds and then everything was fine. That was until…

 

 

“So, Fiona wants to have like a family dinner tonight.” Ian said as he’s looking up from his phone and directing the comment to Debbie and Mickey.

 

 

Mickey shrugged his shoulders not caring, but it was Debbie who made a face and rolled her eyes. “What the fuck for? Doesn’t she have her own life and her own house to cook dinner and shit.” Debbie said annoyingly

 

 

“This is still her house too Debs.” Ian simply said. “Besides. It’ll be nice to see Carl and Liam; and Lip said he’s coming over to.” Ian told her.

 

 

“Whatever. As long as Mickey can stay and keep my grounded I have no problem. But if you two bitches think for one second you’re gonna go off and fuck or do whatever the fuck it is you do, and leave me here with her. You have another thing coming. I will hunt you down and pour hot liquid water on your asses then add battery acid to the mix.” Debbie said as she went over to the sink to put her dishes in.

 

“You really have been hanging around my sister way too much, haven’t your freckles.” Mickey said to Debbie more than asking her.

 

Debbie looked at Mickey and Ian. “Think I won’t do it and see what happens.” Debbie continues on saying “I will shank one of you fuckers! I’m not being left alone with her.”

 

 

“Why the fuck am I getting threaten for? If anything your bitch of a sister doesn’t like me! Which gives me more of a reason to stay around and fucking annoy her!” Mickey said with a smirk, giving Debbie that duh look.

 

 

Ian looked at Mickey and Debbie and rolled his eyes. Yeah this was going to be an interesting dinner to say the least.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I wonder how that Gallagher dinner is going to be huh? well yah have to come back and see. Also prepare for shock xoxoxoxoxo


	33. Lost Boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finished updating and editing. give me a few more weeks for chapter 34 to come out . hope you all are still with me. and Im working on the next chapter for Life Unexpected as well. 
> 
>  
> 
> Hiiiiiiiiiiii Everyone So you know I didn't leave this story behind right. It was simple writers block along with school work. BUt I'm back guys lol This is my baby right here I could not leave this story untold and unfinished lol. So with you further ado Here's chapter 33 guys. Again I have not Beta so please be kind. All mistake are mine so I apologize for error and stuff. I will go back and eventually edit, but in due time. Also none of the song I have in my story are owned by me. This was somewhat of a filler chapter that leads to something bigger if you will say.
> 
> Love your comments and kudos and the bookmarks and subscription to the fic. You guys are awesome xoxoxoxox  
> Leave me your comments guys you know I love to read them and will respond. I appreciate you guys still reading by the way. Just wanted to let you all know that.

Mickey was in the room looking at himself in the mirror. He looks……well he looks different. No earring in his right ear, no spiky hair, no black V-neck t-shirt or his jeans with his boots. Nope! He’s wearing a fucking light blue button-up shirt with fucking khakis…Who the fuck wears these shits anyways. He feels completely uncomfortable, but he wants to meet Ian’s siblings as him and not as Nick like it was before. Not to mention that Ian said that he sort of mentioned to his other siblings that Mickey was Nick. That Mickey's nickname was Nick. Ian wasn’t really trying to explain much, just said that he was sick, but that he was okay. And yeah that started an argument between them because Mickey felt that; that was no one’s business but his own. But Ian figured it would be okay since they only knew him as Nick and not as Mickey. So he didn’t want them to be confused, but it was confusing.

 

 

The argument was stupid to the both of them none the less, but Mickey still felt it was his right to give Ian the okay to tell anyone about his mental disorder. Either way, both men apologized, Ian apologized for mentioning it to Fiona, Lip and the rest of his siblings that Mickey was slightly sick. Except for Debbie, who of course knew about Mickey; while Mickey had apologized for punching Ian in the face and giving him a black and blue?

 

 

So, right now at this moment as he’s looking at himself in the mirror; Mickey can see himself and it’s not a sight he’s comfortable with. He’s looking at a different person and he feels like he’s going to puke. This wasn’t his thought, this was for Ian… he wanted to make a good impression. He remembered everything that Nick did and said to Ian’s family, and well? Let’s just say Mickey wanted to have a good relationship with Ian and his siblings; they were his family. Maybe one day they will be Mickeys’ family too…maybe…one day right? No, right now that was too soon to think about. He and Ian did get the divorce finalized but now they’re together again; but as boyfriend and boyfriend, starting from the beginning. They’re making a fresh start with one another and nothing more. Even though Mickey kind of wished they were more at this moment, but that wasn’t for him to think about now. Therapy was going well; he broke up with his ex-douchebag of a boyfriend and had started going back to work, which felt good to do again. Great in fact; plus being with Ian made shit even 10 times, way better than anything. So now looking at himself in the mirror, Mickey was wondering to himself ‘what the fuck.’  Looking at himself again Mickey shook his head “Fucking hate this shit man.” Mickey mumbled to himself as he unbuttons his shirt and goes to look for something else. All he really had to ware where t-shirts a few dress shirts, but he didn’t like wearing the dressy shirts unless he fucking had to.

 

 

Just as he is mentally racking his brain about what to wear, Ian walks in the room. He looks at Mickey and gives him a confused look. “What’s wrong? And what are you wearing? You look like some uptight prick.” Ian said as he points at Mickey's pants. “Plus those pants make your ass look like you have none.” Ian continued on saying to Mickey.

 

 

Mickey turned around and gives Ian a look. “Fuck you okay. This is the only nice thing I fucking have here! All my suits and shit are at my apartment, but I kind of don’t like wearing them unless I have to. Like when Collin is out of town and Mandy makes me go to like the business meetings and shit.” Mickey said

 

 

Ian gives Mickey a small smile while shaking his head at him as he walks more in the room. “Mickey you have nice shit here. Just wear your t-shirt and jeans. Nothing fancy tonight. There just my siblings” Ian simply says

 

 

Mickey sighs; he looks up at Ian and shakes his head. Mickey points to himself as he speaks. “Yeah, your siblings who met a different part of me, Ian. (He then point to Ian) You know me? Like the real me, the me now. (Mickey then points to himself at the same time)….besides I want to get to know them and have a feel for them, not just go by what I already feel.” Mickey said to Ian as he turns to look at himself in the mirror again.

 

 

Ian gives Mickey a confused look again at what he just said. But then it hit him, he did understand what he meant. While Nick was still around, he had a very loud opinion on his siblings. Mostly on Fiona seeing as they didn’t like each other. Lip was okay, Liam was Liam, Carl was well he looked like he was going through his teenage rebelliousness and was being a brat. So Ian understood what he meant by him “wanting to get a feel for them” and not rely on what he already felt and known with the experience he had with them already. “Babe…look, just  _be_  you. Be the rough, loud talking, not give a shit, punk ass mother fucker I fell in love with. Be that nice guy that I love who hides it…. That caring one, the one who’s interested in so much, who loves music, loves to draw, loves to work on old things and fix them up…..That guy who loves me…” Ian said smiling at Mickey through the mirror. Mickey’s looking at Ian and smiles back at him as Ian continues talking. “Okay so just be you. Take off that fucking shirt, (Ian walks to their closet and grabs a shirt from inside. He flings it at Mickey who catches it) put something like that on.” Ian then turns back into the closet. “Put on some better fucking pants than that shit you have on,” Ian said while tossing Mickey his black Tripp jeans.

 

 

“Put on your earring, because you fucking look hot in it, put eyeliner if you want or whatever the fuck you want and fix your hair. Or whatever you’re comfortable with, but be you okay? Plus I like bad boys….be the bad ass, trash-talking piece of shit I fell for and love, or be this…I honestly don’t care, as long as you’re you.” Ian said in a whisper and step closer to Mickey “but please, please do something better with this hair that is slicked back” Ian then put his hands in Mickey's hair and messes it up.

 

 

And all the while Mickey was just smiling at Ian as he did it “Just be you? ... Fuck what the world or anyone has to say. You’re not here to empress them. You’re here because you’re family, and my boyfriend.” Ian said to him seriously.

 

 

Mickey rolled his eyes “You know” Mickey begins to say and smiles. “I love it when you take charge…makes me feel all special and shit.” Mickey says and laughs to himself.

 

 

Ian steps back and looks at Mickey seriously “Hey Mick?”

 

 

Mickey looks up at him. “Yeah?”

 

 

“Do you remember the first time I ever saw you? I mean, did I ever tell you when it was the very first time I ever saw you?” Ian said to him crossing his arm over his chest and leans back against their bedroom wall.

 

 

Mickey looks at Ian and nods his head slowly. “Yeah. Ah, yeah…you were at the bar. I was getting off a shift. I came up to you because I saw you at the bar and I wanted to get laid that night.” Mickey says as he dunks his head slightly blushing and looks away.

 

 

Ian smiles and remembers that night “Actually no.” Ian said. Mickey looks up at Ian and gives him a confused look as he frowns and tilted his head to the side. Ian will always love how Mickey makes that action look so cute and innocent when he does that.

 

 

“What?” Mickey said looking at Ian “What you mean no?”

 

 

Ian smiled at Mickey and was blushing. “That baby was the first time we talked and met...but not the first time I saw you,” Ian said to Mickey

 

 

Mickey raised up his eyes brows at Ian. “So the second time you saw me, was that night I went up to you?” Mickey asked

 

 

Ian laughed at Mickey's confused yet cute expression. “Yeah. And you had no idea that before that, I saw you dancing, and that I had already had my eye on you.” Ian said smiling at Mickey.

 

 

“Okay, dumb ass so tell me? When was the first time you saw me then? Why didn’t you come up to me if you wanted me, better yet? How is this relevant Ian?” Mickey said slightly annoyed.

 

 

Ian shook his head and smiled as he started to talk. “The first time I saw you (Ian put one finger up) it was about 3 days before you came up to me……See I was at the bar having a drink, and like that night you saw me and came up to me. I did want to get away and drown myself away, just whatever you know. Missing Adam was hard and I just wanted to get laid, get lost and…but the thing is the first time I saw you?  Man.” Ian said breathless, smiling as he was remembering all over again. He stood up and leaned against the dresser in the room looking at Mickey while he spoke again. “You were on stage. And you were wearing your black short and moving to the sound of the music.” Ian closed his eyes and smiled at the memory as he recalls it and tells Mickey. “You were on that stage, and you were dancing like no one was watching. When the music starting getting more louder and more aggressive, you raised your arms up in the air, put them in your head and moved your hips. Your eyes were closed and you were so into the song…and I could have sworn you were laughing on stage when you were up there. When you opened your eyes…I saw your eyes.” Ian opens his eyes and looks at Mickey. Mickey was looking directly at Ian, slightly shocked but was giving Ian a small smile. “You were so beautiful up there…you didn’t care to give a fuck who was looking at you. Because you were being you Mick; the way the light hit your face and your eyes… it was like you were so alive and free…” Ian said as he pushes himself off the dresser and walks up to Mickey. “You, you smiled at the attention you were being given and you loved it……That same smile you had that night, that was the same one you had when we were at the pier. That same smile you gave him and have given me ever since then. That was the same smiled you gave me when I kissed you for the first time you told me you love me.” Ian said and the room was even more silent.

 

 

SO he continued on talking. “You’ve had it every day since. When you wake up next to me, when we have sex (Ian said jokingly and Mickey punched in the arm), or when you do something, like when you listen to music and play it. Or when you tell me about the cars you fixed up and how much you love a challenge when you fix them, or when you’re around your siblings and when you talk about your niece……or when you look at me and say something stupid or funny, because you’re you, Mick. So be you tonight, be Mickey and no one else. That sweet guy who yet doesn’t gives a fuck kind of attitude guy I love. If you want to hide behind a mask then fine, but then I would be disappointed because I want them to love you like I do. For the real you, and not something that not” Ian says as he points to Mickey’s clothes he was wearing “this, this is not you” Ian said. “Not something that’s fake and not you.”

 

 

The way Mickey was looking at Ian now; was as if he was looking at him not for the first time. He was looking at him with so much love and amazement that words couldn’t describe what he was feeling right now. Mickey remembers that night Ian was talking about. Nick was so high and drunk off his ass, that all he wanted to do was dance all night and forget about that world. He had had a bad day earlier, and then an argument with Colt. That night Mickey went to bed and Nick came out to play soon after. He remembers that feeling, what he was feeling and Mickey had to admit. Nick did always take care of him. “So that was the first time you saw me huh? I remember that night… the club was playing ‘Bang My Head’ from David Guetta feature Sia….it’s always been my favorite song. Whenever I had a bad day…I would play it, or have the DJ play it.” Mickey said as he chuckles and looks away from Ian. He then turns around and continues talking. “My favorite part of that song is “I have broken wings. I keep trying, keep trying. No, I won’t give up. Oh, I’m flying, oh I’m flying. Bang my head against the wall thought I feel light headed, now I know I will not fall. I will rise above it all…(Mickey turns around and looks at Ian) Found what I was searching for. Though I felt light-headed. I should have failed and nailed the floor. Instead, I rose above it all.” Mickey said smiling

 

 

Ian nodded his head at Mickey. “Yup…that was the song that was playing and you owned it up there on the stage. You owned it because you were you. Yeah, it was Nick, but in reality, it was you. It has always been you, Mickey. So be Mickey and no one else….plus you’ll be okay babe, and this dinner which is like a regular dinner will be okay.”

 

 

Mickey nods his head “Yeah… I don’t fucking know why I’m so like… I don’t know nervous…why the fuck would I be? It’s not like I’m asking them permission to marry you or some shit?” Mickey said and pauses real quickly at what he just said. He looks up at Ian sadly “I’m sorry.” He says

 

 

Ian smirks at him and shakes his head. “No. Just because were divorce and dating its fine. Plus us getting to know each other again it’s a good thing. I mean we kind of already know each other, but it’s as if we never stopped. But our marriage wasn’t ours, ours… It wasn’t a Mickey and Ian, it was Ian and Nick…..and Rick, and Mick, and then a Nick again” Ian laughed out loud as he said it to Mickey, who pushes him playfully.

 

 

Mickey shrugged while Ian and he were laughing. “Yeah I guess….look Ima finish getting ready and My sister should be here soon so let the bitch in. I ain’t sure if Iggy or Collin our coming.” Mickey said as he starts to take off the clothes he was wearing to put on something that was more him.

 

 

Ian smiled and rolled his eyes as walks out of the bedroom. “Yeah, yeah I know.” He said just as he’s out of the room he then stops and turns around to look at Mickey again. “You know this should be interesting right?

 

 

Mickey turns to look at Ian. “What’d you mean?”

 

 

“Well…my sister and brothers, meeting your sister and brothers. It should be interesting and I’m expecting one hell of a night.” Ian said to Mickey

 

 

Mickey just shrugged. “Maybe... But then again the Gallagher’s haven’t met the Milkovich’s. And we're pretty fucking awesome.” Mickey said smiling “Plus Leah might come by with the baby. Collin hasn’t let me told me yet. But be prepared to have a little crazy Milkovich running around the house if anything.”

 

 

Ian lights up at the possibility of that happening. “Really? Your niece?” Ian said, he really did loved kids and hoped that Leah was able to come.

 

 

Mickey smiled and nodded “Yeah Red! Leah said if she ain’t stuck at work, her and Mia would be flying down.” Mickey said smiling. He loved his niece; she was his pride and joy. With that information, Ian left the room to go finish preparing dinner with Debbie, while Mickey finished getting dress.

 

***

 

Soon enough dinner was almost ready, and that’s when the Gallagher clan decided to make their entrance back into their own old, slowly but surely. Lip had been the first one to come in from the back door. He greeted Ian and Debbie and proceeded to go straight to the refrigerator. He grabbed himself a beer and sat down at the kitchen table.

 

 

“Hey, Ian where’s your boyfriend?” Lip asked as he takes a swig of his beer.

 

 

“Ah he’s upstairs getting ready, should be down in a few minutes,” Ian said while looking at his brother.

 

 

Lip nodded his head, but Ian narrows his eyes at him. He knew Lip wanted to ask or say something none the less. And sure enough, he did. “Sooo. Ah, Mickey huh.” Lip said

 

 

“Yeah what about him?” Ian responded quickly

 

 

“Nothing! Just wanted to know why was it that when we first met him, he called himself Nick. Then you tell us he was sick but he’s okay? I mean what’s up with that? I’m sure Fi’s gonna want to ask the same thing to man.” Lip said to Ian

 

 

Ian sighs and shakes his head; right now he’s mentally kicking himself. “It’s nothing okay; Nick is a nickname, like a stage name. But he doesn’t work at the club anymore as a dancer. Plus I mean he’ll DJ at his own clubs that he owns with his sister. So he might use the name because they know him as Nick. But besides that, Mick’s a mechanic and businesses owner. So I’d appreciate it if you and Fiona not asking a 1000 and 1 question like that okay. He's just used to introducing himself as Nick that’s all.” Ian said casually as if it was nothing.

 

 

Lip knew his brother wasn’t going to say more, but then again he was okay with the response. Lip still didn’t get why Ian said has to mention that Mickey was sick, but Lip didn’t care. As far as he was concern as long as his brother was happy, so was he.

 

 

Just then Mickey came down the stairs, and Ian looked over at him. Ian smiled as Mickey walked down the stairs and made his way further into the kitchen. Mickey was dressed the way Ian knew made him comfortable.  He was wearing his cool black Military punk rock biker casual pants that fit his ass just right. He wore his black V-neck t-shirt that showed his muscular arms and his black boots. His hair was spikey just like how Ian loved it and he was wearing his earring in his right ear.  He was him, and that’s how he should be.

 

 

“Hey man,” Mickey greeted Lip and Lip did the same. Mickey looked at his phone and saw a text message from Iggy. “So Iggy says he can’t make it, something about being caught up in the garage or some shit,” Mickey said to Ian.

 

 

“That’s fine next time.” Ian simply said. Just then the doorbell rang. Debbie went to go get it as Mickey and Ian stood in the kitchen with Lip as they cooked. Debbie came walking in and behind her was Mandy. Mickey turned around and hugged his sister, and Ian did the same.

 

 

“Mandy this is my brother Lip, Lip this Mandy. Mickey’s big sister!” Ian said to Lip.

 

 

Lip shook Mandy’s hand. “Hi, I’m his older handsome brother Lip. It’s short for Phillip.” Lip said trying his best to charm Mandy.

 

 

Mandy laughed and rolled her eyes at Lip. “Ian you’re right. He is conceded.” She said look back at Lip. “Ian has told me a lot about you,” Mandy said amusingly.

 

 

Lip sighed and looked at his brother, and then back at Mandy who was now sitting at the table across from him “Let me guess? He said that I was a womanizing person with lots of commitment issue and ego complex that was huge I bet.” Lip said

 

 

Mandy shook her head in amusement “Nope! He just said you were a conceded bastard, who thinks he’s the hot shit. And in those exact words actually. But seeing as you described yourself as that! Well, I guess it’s safe to say you got a lot of issues you need to work out on there buddy. Good thing that you know that.” Mandy said with more amusement in her voice.

 

 

Debbie was laughing with Mickey. “You do know you kind of just fucked all that up for yourself right?” Mickey said as he continued laughing. He knew Mandy could take care of herself.

 

 

“Yeah, plus she doesn’t really need all of your drama…well not anymore anyways.” Debbie simple said and turned to look at her brother and best friends who were laughing their asses off “What?” She said looking at them with a surprised face.

 

 

“Nothing,” Ian said, “God I just love you.” He said and Mickey nodded his head.

 

 

Soon enough Fiona, Liam, and Carl got to the Gallagher house and that was when things got slightly interesting. Ian introduced Fiona and his brothers to Mandy who was already at the table talking with Lip and Debbie about god knows what. Mickey greeted Fiona and she simple waved to Mickey and made her way to the stove to see what was cooking.

 

 

To say that dinner became interesting that night was well, what you would call more than interesting.  Everyone ate and talked as much as they could. Fiona didn’t bring anything up about Mickey to Ian and he was okay that. Perfect…actually, it was too perfect and Mickey had a feeling something was going to happen.

 

 

“So Mickey is it?” Fiona said and everyone at the table looked at her and Mickey nodded his head at her in response. “Why the name change? I thought your name was Nick? Or did we mistake that somehow?” Fiona asked

 

 

It was a simple question, but Mickey knew she was picking at something. So he decided to play her game. What better game than to tell the truth right? “Well, it’s more of my nickname in a way. But it’s mostly because I was diagnosed mental disorder. When I met Ian about what 3 years ago or so it was Nick who met him, not me; See I was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, basically multiple personality disorder. Nick was one of my alters!” Mickey simply said while he ate his food and continued to look at her dead in her eyes as he talked to Fiona. No one noticed but the table went silent as he continued to talk. “He was my protective alter, then I had about 2 more alters, but Nick was mostly in charge. Son of bitch that one, but yeah that was my name. But I was born as Mikhailo Alexis Milkovich” Mickey said to her smiling at her in amusement. But was serious as well, and it didn’t go unnoticed at how sarcastic he was being with her as well.

 

 

“Soooo,” Mandy said looking at her brother and smiling at him. Then she looked at everyone at the table as they were looking back at Mickey and Ian.  Ian was looking at Mickey with his eyes widen, just as Mickey gave him a wink with a smile. Debbie was laughing at Fiona’s facial expression and Lip just has that I’m confused facial expression.

 

 

“So wait a minute.” Lip said “Ian said that was your job name?” Lip said

 

 

Mickey laughed “Oh man this is one hell of a dinner ain’t it Red!” Mickey said to Ian and Ian just started laughing at the table. He was laughing at everything that was said and the whole situation. But mostly because Mickey was rubbing his foot on his legs…’fucking bastard’ Ian thought to himself.

 

 

Mickey was still laughing and so was Ian. Pretty soon the whole table was laughing. The conversation about Mickey changed once Debbie started talking about her Business Management class she was taking.

 

 

When dinner was done, the kitchen table was being cleared up by the adults. Liam went up into his old bedroom; Carl went into the sala, leaving the older siblings to talk. Everything was going well, that was until….

 

 

Fiona had been looking through the mail that was on top of the washing machine and spotted something that said. ‘IMPORTANT NOTICE! FINALIZED DOCUMENTS’ she got curious and opened up the mail that was already opened and read it. She looked confused at what she was reading and then turned around quickly and looked at her brother. “Ian what the fuck!?” She said holding up a paper. Just then everyone stopped what they were doing and looked over at Fiona. “You got married and now you’re divorced!? Since when the fuck did this happen?” She asked in rage

 

 

Everyone at the table was looking up at Fiona, then back at Ian and Mickey. Mickey was holding his tongue back from saying something. He really did want to make a good impression on Ian’s family. But man was it getting hard for him. Meanwhile, Mandy stood up slowly from her seat and crossed her arms over her chest and was about to say something. But it was Ian who got up from the table and walked over to Fiona, snatching the document papers right out of her hands. “Why the fuck are you reading my mail?” He said snapping at her.

 

 

“Because it was there that’s why! I wanted to make sure the bills were getting paid! That’s not the point here right now! Why the fuck didn’t you tell us you were married? And to him of all people!” Fiona said pointing at Mickey as she said it.

 

 

Mickey looked at Fiona giving her a glare. Just as he was yet again about to say something to Fiona; it was Ian who snapped at his sister first before he could. “He has a name is Mickey!”

 

 

“Oh yeah! I’m sorry I forgot! Apparently, your name is Mickey now and Not Nick right?” Fiona said looking at Mickey. She then turned her attention back to Ian not waiting for Mickey to response to her. “Who the fuck introduces themselves as someone else? Unless they have something to hide!” Fiona said in an outburst. She didn’t really believe the little story Mickey gave her earlier during dinner. Everyone thought it was a joke really.

 

 

“Fuck you!” Mickey said to Fiona; just at the same time Mandy tried to walk towards Fiona and said “This bitch” but Debbie stopped her.

 

 

“Fiona! No one is hiding shit ok! And Mickey don’t!” Ian said to sister and his boyfriend. “Everyone needs to calm the fuck down!” He said loudly.

 

 

Lip looked over at Debbie and spoke lowly or so he thought was. “Shit is about to hit the fan isn’t it.” Lip simply said and Debbie just nodded her head in response not saying anything.

 

 

“Nothing is wrong! And Shit is not about to hit the fan. So Lip shut the fuck up and don’t make shit worse okay.” Ian said looking at his brother. Lip just put his hands up in defense not saying anymore. Ian turns around to look back at Fiona. “Look no one is hiding anything; me and Mick got a quick marriage, we figured it was too fast and decided it wasn’t right. So we got a divorce, no harm or anything. We’re still together.” Ian said to her. It was none of his sisters business or the rest of the families business of what happened between him and Mickey. It’s not like it wasn’t the truth. He and Mickey did decide to get the divorce, as much as it hurt Ian; he and Mickey weren’t together then. In fact, Mickey was fighting his feeling for Ian and dealing with a lot of shit. But again no one needed to know that. Plus it wasn’t right to stay married like that. If they were going to marry one another, they had to do it right. Besides if he wanted to tell his sister he would have, but he didn’t want to. Debbie was the only one who knew and he was okay with that.

 

 

“No Ian! Is it not okay? This isn’t you, you wouldn’t do this? You wouldn’t get married and not tell your family okay!?” Fiona shouted back to him. Fiona was livid and being pissed off didn’t describe how she was feeling right now.

 

 

“Fi you don’t know me as well as you think you do,” Ian said to her, trying his best to keep calm and not blow up. Ian up his guard with her.

 

 

“I think I know my little brother pretty fucking well okay. I do know you okay! And ever since you met Nick or Mick or whatever the fuck his name is today? You haven’t been you! You’ve pushed out your family, distance yourself from us, from me! You’ve-” Fiona was saying to in, ranting on, but Ian cuts her off quickly.

 

 

“You know what Fi, you did that all on your own! You! (Ian pointed to her) You were the one who told me I ruined your life remember!” Ian shouted at her and the whole room went dead quiet. Mickey came from around the table and looked at Ian as he spoke, not sure if he should stop Ian or let him lash out at his sister. Ian’s been holding it in for a long time; Mickey felt it was better to stay where he was for now. “You were the one who told me it was my entire fault! I left and joined the Marines and I came home and you thought what huh? That everything would be okay!?” Ian continued as his voice became louder as h spoke. “You blamed me for bills being too high, or not bring in enough cash for the house, and you fucking blamed me for you not having life! I’m so fucking sorry that out of all the kids in this family, I was your biggest disappoint! It’s not my fucking fault you decided to take over and be our parent Fiona! It’s not my fault! Yet you saw me as a way to blame all your shit out on me!” Ian shouts at Fiona. He takes a step back from her trying his best to calm his-self down.

 

 

However it was not working, Ian looks back up at his sister. He mentally tells himself ‘fuck it, she going to know exactly how he feels now’. “And you know what!? You so call think you know me or all of us; Before Mickey, I was engaged to someone else! Someone, who I loved so fucking much!” Ian said as he became slightly emotional. “I was going to marry him without you or anyone else knowing! But you know what? Shit happens and life fucked me over (Ian said with tears in his eyes, but he didn’t let them fall out)……So you can go fuck yourself with “you thinking you know me so fucking well.” Ian said mocking Fiona as he walks away towards the stairs. Be he could go up he stops and turns around to her again. He wasn’t finished just yet. “You know what? Better yet get the fuck out! Get the fuck out because I don’t have to explain shit to you or any fucking body okay. And that man right there I love him! He brought me back to life in many ways you will never fucking understand okay! SO just go!” Ian yells then turns to go  up the stairs.

 

 

To say Ian was holding in a lot was an understatement. There was more he wanted to say to his sister, but he didn’t have the energy to do it and he wasn’t in the right state of mind at the moment.  Ian was sitting down on his and Mickey’s bed thinking of everything that just happened. He started to regret what just did happen. He could have handled that a lot better, but Fiona just kept on and kept on. Especially at dinner when she kept asking question about Mickey, but those questions were diverted easily.  Ian just wanted this night to go right. He loved his siblings yes, but he loved Mickey as well, and fuck him if he wanted them to all get along.

 

 

A few moments later Ian was brought out of his thoughts when his door room opened. He turned around to see that it was Mickey who opened it and was walking in. Mickey closed the door behind him and was just looking at Ian from where he was standing. They looked at each other for a few moments and said nothing.  

 

 

Mickey walked over to Ian and sat right next to him. “I know you love your family…you always go on and on about family.” Mickey simply said to him “So I know it hurts, but Ian.” Mickey said and Ian looks up at him now. “She doesn’t know…none of them know. Only Debs.”

 

 

“Yeah…you do know you changed my life right.  You know that right?” Ian said to Mickey more in a statement. Letting him know that he did change his life, and for the better.

 

 

Mickey smiled at Ian “Yeah…you did the same for me… You changed my life in so many ways Red.” Mickey said to Ian “….you do love me, I know you do…and you know sometimes I don’t know why you love me so much.” Mickey said, confessing to Ian.

 

 

Ian smiled at Mickey. “Our love is what I like to call unique isn’t it…me and you. I guess that makes us one hell of a pair to be reckoned with huh.” Ian says with a chuckle. “I mean if I can blow the fuck up on my sister and anyone for you like that…She just pisses me off. With her questions and then going through my mail and questioning me about shit, she has no right to. Who the fuck is she to try and even questions my love for you.” Ian said looking at Mickey.

 

 

Mickey brought his hand up to Ian’s face and makes him look up at him. “She’s your sister. That’s all I can really say. That and she’s a bitch.” Mickey said laughing and Ian joined him.

 

 

Once both boys stopped laughing Mickey looked at Ian and grabbed his right hand interlocked them together. It fit just right Mickey thought to himself. Mickey knew he was home wherever Ian was. That was all he needed, in fact, that was all they needed.

 

 

“You know? I am surprised you didn’t blow the fuck up on Fiona as I did.” Ian said to Mickey.

 

 

Mickey shook his head and sighed. “You know me too. But then you said no and I just let you handle that shit. She’s your sister... Plus Mandy was there, and If me and Debbie didn’t hold her back. I’m pretty sure you would be arresting my sister for beating the shit out of your sister.” Mickey said smiling at Ian. Ian just smiled back and shook head dragging Mickey into a kiss, who if course kissed him right away.

 

*******

 

Soon enough Debbie and Mandy came upstairs and knocked on the door. They didn’t want to disturb anything that might be happening in their bedroom. The number of times that they’ve both walked in on their brothers having sex was enough for them to see. So when they knocked they didn’t hear anything. No one answered.

 

 

“Should we open the door?” Debbie asked Mandy

 

 

“Fuck if I know. I mean if they are fucking I get to see Ian ass.” Mandy said with a smile on her face, wiggled her eyebrows up and down.

 

 

Debbie made a scared face “Eww. I don’t want to see that! Plus what if they're in a position and you see your brothers’ ass and not mines huh?” Debbie told Mandy who then made a frightening face.

 

 

“Fine. We’ll just barge in, open the door and close our eyes.” Mandy said. So both girls agreed to do that. Their brothers would probably get mad at them, but they should be used to this by now.

 

 

“1....2….3” Both Mandy and Debbie said as they opened the door to Ian and Mickey’s room with the eyes closed. However, they didn’t hear what they expected to hear. Once they opened their eyes, they saw something that made them smile.

 

 

Mickey and Ian were laying down in bed sound asleep holding one another. It was sight that made you smile because both men were holding each other as if it was the last thing they would ever do. Mandy and Debbie covered them up with a blanket and closed the door behind them. There was no need disturbed.

 

*******

 

The passing weeks came and went; after the whole dinner chaos, Fiona had tried to talk to Ian. She called, and text him multiple times, but Ian simply ignores her. Lip even tries to talk to Ian about Fiona, however, Ian simply tells him to fuck off and that it wasn’t his problem. Lip, of course, dropped the whole thing and let things be; he didn’t want to be in the middle of an Ian and Fiona’s war. Fiona had even started to come by the house more often and try to see Ian and talk to him. She was either ignored by Ian, and Debbie didn’t say anything to her. When Fiona would ask Debbie where Ian was, she would say at Mickey’s house. Fiona even asked where Mickey lived at, but Debbie told her there was no way she was going to tell her that. It just wasn’t right or in her place to give Micky’s address away to her.

 

 ****

It was one day after a couple of weeks from the dinner fiasco that Ian came home to Mickey’s apartment. He had been staying there for a while now and had practically moved in, in a way. Mickey didn’t complain about it really; the sex was good in the morning, at night, and whenever he wanted it. Most nights Mickey and Ian would just cuddle and talk quietly to themselves as if they would disturb someone with talking loudly. However, lately, Ian recognized that Mickey was being slightly distant with him, and was acting a bit different. He didn’t want to say anything at first and not to Mickey directly anyways.

 

 

So when the opportunity presented itself, Ian asked the one person he figured might know what was wrong with Mickey. Or if something was wrong with him that if anyone had noticed it.

 

 

So when Ian came home that day, he found that Mandy, Iggy, and Debbie were in the apartment. The siblings were hanging out playing video games and laughing. Ian enters the sala without them knowing and takes in the view of what he sees. Seeing his sister and his partner siblings having fun, and this was family, his and Mickey’s family. He then noticed that Mickey wasn’t in the room with them.

 

 

“Hey guys.” Ian said

 

 

“Hey!” Everyone said

 

 

Ian came around sofa and sat on the edge “Hey guys where’s Mick at?”

 

 

“He’s in one of his rooms. He said not to fuck with and leave him alone. I think he’s having a shitty day or some shit” Iggy said

 

 

Ian nodded his head at what Iggy told him. “Can I ask you guys a question?” Ian asked them. They all nodded their heads looking at Ian. “So have you guys notice that Mickey’s been acting different lately? I mean he’s been a bit distant and I’ve been asking him what’s wrong, but he just gives me one word responds saying nothing or he shrugs me off. And the other day I made a little comment about a movie we were watching and he almost chewed my head off, but then he apologized for it afterwords” Ian tells them.

 

 

Mandy and Iggy looked at each other, than at Ian. “He used to do that when we were younger. We figured it was Nick and not him, but actually we don’t know really. He use to always be in his own world sometimes and would zone out. Sometimes he would lock himself in his room and watch old cartoons. Peter Pan was his all tome favorite. Always has been…” Mandy said and Iggy continued on “…In fact we would always find him watching that cartoon movie growing up. And when we would try to turn it off he would get so fucking mad at us. Even after Collin got custody of us; that was one thing Mickey always did. He always watched that movie and kept to himself. But he hasn’t done that in years really, only when something was really bugging him or when he wasn’t himself.” Iggy said

 

 

Ian sighed and sat back “I bet that’s why he blew up on me.” Ian said

 

 

“What you mean?” Debbie asked with Iggy and Mandy looking at him as he spoke.

 

 

“Well he was watching that movie that other night. He chose the movie in fact, and we were watching it and I made a joke about how gullible kids are to think Neverland is real and how Peter pan can never be real and he went off on me.” Ian said

 

 

“What do you mean went off?” Iggy and Mandy asked at the same time, with concern behind their voice.

 

 

“Well he said kids look to cartoons for adventure and a way out….” Ian said as he sat up more at the edge of the sofa and continued speaking. “In fact when Nick was around, he use to always recite shit from Peter Pan and would read the story. Even told me how Peter Pan at one point was actually the villain or was originally made as one, but from different versions of different stories over the years. And that most people didn’t know that. He even said” Ian was going to say but Mandy cut him off.

 

 

“That he wished he was a lost boy,” Mandy said quietly.

 

 

“Yeah……yeah how did you know that?” Ian asked

 

 

“Mickey use to say that all the time as a kid. He used to say that in a way we were all lost boys. It was his way out of reality I guess…It makes more sense now.” Iggy said to Ian.

 

 

“Yeah, in fact he used to make me and Iggy play with him when we were little. I use to be the only lost girl or Wendy, and Iggy and he were lost Boys or he was Peter Pan.” Mandy said smiling at the memory of how her and Mickey use to play as children.

 

 

Ian nodded his head and then he looked over at the hall way. They all did as they heard the piano playing, hearing Mickey voice. Slowly they all got up and went over to the room trying not to make a sound. Lately whenever Ian came home, Ian would find Mickey in the back room. Either he would be listening to music or writing something down. Sometimes he wouldn’t even pay attention to Ian or realize he was in the room with him unless Ian spoke.

 

 

When they all got to the room, Ian opened the door slight. They all saw Mickey playing with the piano near the window. The melody of the Piano was the most beautiful thing Ian has ever heard, he loves hearing Mickey play. Ian then recognized the song Mickey was playing instantly. Mickey would play the song over and over again. Never getting tired of it and neither did Ian because it was a great song. Mickey at first was just playing the Piano to the song, but then he started to sing.

 

  
_**There was a time when I was alone**_ ** _  
_Nowhere to go and no place to call home_  
_My only friend was the man in the moon_  
_And even sometimes he would go away, too_  
  
  
_Then one night, as I closed my eyes,_  
_I saw a shadow flying high_  
_He came to me with the sweetest smile_  
_Told me he wanted to talk for awhile_  
_He said, "Peter Pan—that's what they call me._  
_I promise that you'll never be lonely."__**  
**And ever since that day...**

 ** _  
_**_**I am a lost boy from Neverland**_  
Usually hanging out with Peter Pan  
And when we're bored we play in the woods  
Always on the run from Captain Hook  
"Run, run, lost boy," they say to me,  
"Away from all of reality."

 __  
Neverland is home to lost boys like me  
And lost boys like me are free

 _**Neverland is home to lost boys like me** _ **_  
And lost boys like me are free_ **

  
He sprinkled me in pixie dust and told me to believe  
Believe in him and believe in me  
Together we will fly away in a cloud of green  
To your beautiful destiny  
As we soared above the town that never loved me  
I realized I finally had a family  
Soon enough we reached Neverland  
Peacefully my feet hit the sand  
And ever since that day...

  
I am a lost boy from Neverland  
Usually hanging out with Peter Pan  
And when we're bored we play in the woods  
Always on the run from Captain Hook  
"Run, run, lost boy," they say to me,  
"Away from all of reality."

 __  
Neverland is home to lost boys like me  
And lost boys like me are free

 _**Neverland is home to lost boys like me** _ **_  
And lost boys like me are free_ **

_**Peter Pan, Tinker Bell, Wendy Darling,**_ **** _  
Even Captain Hook—  
You are my perfect story book  
__Neverland, I love you so,_  
You are now my home sweet home  
Forever a lost boy at last

 _ **Peter Pan, Tinker Bell, Wendy Darling,**_  
Even Captain Hook—  
You are my perfect story book  
Neverland, I love you so,  
You are now my home sweet home  
Forever a lost boy at last

  
And for always I will say...  
  
I am a lost boy from Neverland  
Usually hanging out with Peter Pan  
And when we're bored we play in the woods  
Always on the run from Captain Hook  
"Run, run, lost boy," they say to me,  
"Away from all of reality."

 __  
Neverland is home to lost boys like me  
And lost boys like me are free

 __  
Neverland is home to lost boys like me  
And lost boys like me are free

****

 

Ian has always loved hearing Mickey sing, but now it felt like he was sad. Something was wrong and he didn't know what.  When Mickey stopped playing the piano he wiped his face and kept looking outside of the window. Mandy, Iggy and Debbie looked on. They felt it was best to step back and let Ian enter the room on his own. So without a word Iggy, Mandy and Debbie moved to leave Ian with Mickey. Ian walks through the door and goes towards Mickey not paying attention to no one else but Mickey. 

 

 

Mickey did move as Ian walked towards the window. Ian and looked over at Mickey as Mickey was still looking out of the room. “You know when I was younger. I use to always wonder if there was like a different reality out there somewhere….somewhere where no one knew me, or somewhere where I can be free and be okay. Not live in fear and pain.” Mickey said while still looking out the window.

 

 

Ian didn’t say anything as he sat down at the window seal, looking at both his boyfriend and view of outside from the window. Mickey continued talking a few moments of silence. “You ever wondered if like fairytales were real, which one you would be in?” Mickey asked now looking at Ian

 

 

Ian shook his head “No…no I didn’t.”

 

 

Mickey smiles sadly at Ian and nods his head as he continues to look at Ian. “I did…I use to want to be a lost boy. You know fly away and never grow up. Fly away from home and never come back and be in Neverland and fight pirates… Fight the bad guys and be like peter pan or a lost boy.” Mickey said quietly he looks back outside. A single tear come down his face and he wipes away quickly.

 

 

Ian looked at his partner and didn’t know what to say.  Iggy did text Ian earlier that Mickey might have had a bad day. Then Ian figured it was Mickey therapy session, but then his doctor would have called to just inform Ian that Mickey would be in vulnerable. No, something else was off with Mickey. “I love you.” was all Ian could say to him.

 

 

Mickey looked up at Ian then. “I know…I’m just not having a good week is all. I just want things to go right for once.” Mickey said lowly

 

 

Ian squints his eyes as he tilted his head to the side looking at Mickey and studying him more. “Mick what are you talking about?” Ian asked

 

 

Mickey sighed. “Do you trust me?” Mickey asked Ian

 

 

“Yes,” Ian said without hesitation and that Made Mickey smile at him

 

 

“Okay. SO hey I was thinking that since our anniversary is like next week, we can do something, but ah……we don’t have to do anything really.” Mickey said

 

 

Ian smiles at Mickey. “No…I mean I wasn’t really planning on doing much. I was going to ask you if you wanted to go out to dinner or something. I can take you where we went for our first date?” Ian said smiling at Mickey.

 

 

Mickey rolled his eyes at Ian and smiled. “Yeah sure.” He said getting up and walking over to Ian and kissed him. Mickey then went to leave the room then turned back around. “Hey Ian?”

 

 

“Yeah Mick?” Ian responded back.

 

 

“You know that song I was playing, the one you heard me sing?” Mickey asked Ian, but in a way he didn’t.

 

 

“Yeah. It’s a beautiful song.” Ian said to Mickey walking up to him now.

 

 

Mickey nodded his head. “Sometime I still think….What I mean is…I’m not a lost boy anymore.  I have you and my family. You’re home.” Mickey said looking up at Ian in his big green beautiful eyes, instantly getting lost them.

 

 

Ian looked at Mickey and smiled at him. “Yeah, yeah I know. But it’s okay you know…..To still be a lost boy, as long as I’m with you, we can be both be lost boys.” Ian said to Mickey

 

 

Mickey looked up at Ian and his eyes were glassy, and without a second beat of a moment. Mickey grabbed Ian by the neck and pulled him into the most loving and passionate kiss. One with love, one with hope, one with so much meaning that even the universe itself would define this moment as the most magical one yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So you guys I hope you enjoy this chapter. Yes there's reference to Peter Pan because 1 as a child I always wanted to be a lost boy and figured in my imagination Neverland was my home. One of the reason why this song I think connects to Mickey's character in many ways. 
> 
> And if think there's not more drama to come, wait till next chapter. our boys have to go through some angst to test their relationship. But you guys know I roll ^_^
> 
> Let me know what yah think. I still love the kudos you guys give me and the comments on here and my other fic. Im happy your still reading this. xoxoxoxoxox 
> 
>  
> 
> Here's the two songs I mention in this chapter and yes they had influence on this chapter somewhat
> 
> David Guetta Ft. Sia - Bang my Head  
> https://youtu.be/kuNXn4dMurU  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kuNXn4dMurU
> 
>  
> 
> Ruth B - Lost boy  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-3m_V1XNPxA  
> https://youtu.be/-3m_V1XNPxA  
> 


	34. DNA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well Hello everyone!  
> Im back but only for a short time. This chapter is a long one and to answer your question yes I have another one half way written but i wont be able to work on it so much as I have a crazy load of school work a head of me. I will work on it but I wont be posting it up any time soon unless something happens and I end up getting time to do so. 
> 
>  
> 
> I would love to thank Lianne so much. OMG you're awesome beta xoxoxox. She's the best you guys.
> 
> Also in this chapter there is violence in a form of child abuse to warning on that. I also hope you guys love it. I know you all have been waiting for this for a while and I do apologize like seriously, I'm sorry.
> 
> Now here Goes Chapter 34 DNA!

“Dark as Midnight

Sick pack Coors light

You don’t look the same.

Past my bedtime blue and red lights come take you away.

Hate to see you like a monster so I run and hide

Hate to ask but what’s it like to leave me behind.

I won’t be, no I won’t be like you Fighting back,

I’m fighting back the truth

Eyes like yours can’t look away

But you can’t stop DNA

No you can’t stop DNA”

 

 

A few weeks went by and it had been a little over a month since Mickey had an episode. He was acting fine, even okay and normal as can be. However, recently he was becoming slightly distant again and that was concerning everyone, including his therapist Dr. Jimenez. Mickey wasn’t opening up as much as he was supposed to while in therapy, and that was something that was not only important to his recovery but it was critical towards his treatment to recovery. Him being able to open up about his past, about his thoughts and feelings, about everything he had remembered was important. Being able to deal with the past and using therapy to help him cope with what he remembers was crucial. Mickey needed to deal with the things he remembered. He needed to heal and move on with his life and not let it take over him. But that took time and lots of effort. It’s a hard road to go through and nothing from this would be easy, however Mickey needed to continue to fight and face the fact that yes! Yes, he was a child of rape; yes, he was a child who was molested, abused in ways that no one should ever be abused…a boy who was taken advantage of, who experienced the most horrible of things in life that no one should ever experience.

 

 

Mickey was abused, both physically and mentally. So yes, it caused him to split into more than one person; everyone who was close to Mickey knew this fact. Mickey needed to always know and remember that he is stronger now more than ever. That he is a strong person and is no longer that young boy; a child who was so scared that the only way to keep part of him safe, was create his own protector. People with any disorder can suffer a lot in silence, and having multiple personality disorder or any mental disorder can have a huge impact on oneself.

 

 

Mickey knew that he could possibly suffer from depression, anxiety, any form of PTSD and that there was a possibility of him even slipping back and splitting into his alters again, although this rarely happened. Going back to your alter for help was a defense mechanism that he knew all too well; the mind is said to be one of the most sensitive things a human being has. We are able to store so much and learn so much that we forget how fragile it can be. Better yet how fragile we can be. And in a state of mind such as Mickey’s…well fragile is one thing you can call it. The possibility of splitting into his alter again was at a high risk. Mickey didn't want to remember what happened to him or relive anything he went through as a child and trying to keep it all in is risky. Not being able to cope with something he went through on his own, Mickey feared very much, and so did his family. Mickey didn’t want to have a setback and relapse; I mean who does really? But that didn’t mean he wasn’t feeling open and exposed as he already was. Not wanting to open up about the things he was remembering was a battle he was having with himself on a daily basis. One was already affecting him, whether he saw it or not!

 

*****

 

Once Dr. Charlene Jimenez noticed Mickey pulling away and distancing himself from her, she patiently waited to see if he would snap out of it. Not pushing too much, but just enough. However, it didn’t work and when she saw that waiting for Mickey to come around wasn’t going to work; she took action. She approached his psychotherapy treatment methods in a different way. Helping Mickey being able to improve his relationships with others by expressing himself, to her especially was one thing he needed. She needed Mickey to express what he was feeling from his past and being able to open up again without traumatizing him was the biggest goal here.

 

 

With the different technique approaches, Dr. Jimenez was able to see some results with Mickey again. He was able to slowly again express things he was remembering, such as things he was feeling at the time, and how he saw himself now. However, Mickey continued to be distant and isolate himself from his siblings and Ian, and that made them all worry about Mickey even more. Collin, Iggy, Mandy, and Ian all asked Dr. Jimenez (of course without Mickey knowing) what was the best thing for them to do? The answer they all got was something they didn’t like. Charlene simply told them “Let him come to you. Let him open up when he’s ready. Don’t force him, or he will react badly.” She went on to tell them “You all have to remember that he’s dealing with a lot right now. Finding a healthier way to cope with things that have happened to him and deal with his alters in a healthy manner is no walk in the park. Not only for Mickey but for the 3 other alters he is dealing with. In time he will seek you all out but for now, don’t push him so much.” That was all that Dr. Jimenez could say to them; she also told them that being around positive people or things that made Mickey happy were good as well! So all they could do was sit back and be supportive, and to just act like nothing was wrong. Because if they knew one thing, it was that Mickey was a person to tell them to fuck off if he felt trapped or pushed.

 

 

*****

 

After talking to Charlene for a bit Collin had gotten a great idea, he called up Mickey and told him to come over to his apartment. Leah was there with their daughter Mia, Mickey’s goddaughter. Mickey hadn’t seen his niece in a long time, and it was long overdue. Baby Mia was talking a lot more and she was walking everywhere of course. Her smile was one Mickey loved to see on her face. Her beautiful green hazel eyes and round face was something Mickey could look at for hours. Making her smile was something he loved to do, and her laughter was even more contagious. Collin figured this would be the best way to help cheer his brother up, and maybe have him be closer to him, rather than him being as distant as he was lately. Collin noticed Mickey had been quiet and down even more lately. He thought that maybe seeing Mia would make him happy. Being able to put a real smile on his brothers’ face was something Collin just wanted to see.

 

 

So Collin called his brother up, and to say that Mickey was excited was an understatement. Collin wasn’t able to see his brother smiling over the phone, but Collin knew he was .

 

 

After getting off the phone with Collin, Mickey went again and got himself ready for his afternoon. Ian was working that afternoon when Mickey got the call; ~~so~~ Mickey shot him a text telling him he was on his way to Collin’s loft apartment. Mickey told Ian that he was also having dinner there as well, and when he was done with his shift to come over so he can meet baby Mia.

 

 

Ian smiled as he looked down at his phone when reading the text message from Mickey. Mickey was always talking about his niece like she was a goddess. Always calling her his little princess, even though she was Collin’s daughter; Ian was told by all the Milkovich siblings that Mickey treated Mia like she was his princess and that he went beyond spoiling her. Mickey was Mia’s god father and when he talked about her his face always lit up. Ian loved seeing that in Mickey. He knew that Mickey missed Mia and Ian could tell he felt bad for not being around her more often. But with him being sick, he really couldn’t be around her. Ian text Mickey back telling him he would be there later on, but was going to go to the house and clean up first and maybe bring Debbie with him. Mickey replied telling him okay.

 

 

With that everything was fine…or at least it appeared that way …

 

*****

 

 

Mickey got to Collins house in less than 10 minutes, and when he opened the door he heard a loud screaming laughing sound coming from a 5 year old running towards him. Mickey bent down fast, as Mia ran into his arms. She wrapped her small tiny arms around Mickey neck giggling yelling out, “tío” to him. Mickey wrapped his arms around Mia and hugged her as tight as he could without hurting her. Mickey laughed as he looked up to find Leah shaking her head while crossing her arms across her chest, smiling at both of them.

 

 

“That little devil refuses to take a bath!” Leah said sighing at her daughter.

 

 

“She is not little devil? She a princess, and if she doesn’t want to take a bath then she doesn’t have to right now.” Mickey said as he looked at Leah and then back at Mia. “Right Mia!” Mickey said to her.

 

 

“Uh-huh! Yes tio! See mommy I don’t have to. HA! HA!” Mia said taunting her mother, knowing that her uncle was there to protect her.

 

 

“Mickey” Leah said sternly.

 

 

Mickey gave Leah an innocent look. “What? She’s fine Leah, right Mia?” Mickey said as he asked his niece.

 

 

Mia nodded her head up and down looking at her mom and tio. “Yes Mommy I’m fine. I promise. Not dirty at all! See!” Mia said innocently being cute as she was trying to show her mom she was clean.

 

 

Leah sighed. “Mickey she needs her bath, she was at the park all morning. Not to mention she was playing in the mud today. She thought it would be okay to do that!” Leah said looking at Mickey then at her daughter as she spoke to her now “After I told her not to.” Leah said already slightly annoyed with her brother in law.

 

 

“But mommy I don’t want to. I want to play with Tio Mickey. I miss him.” Mia said pouting looking at her mom as she was hugging her uncle Mickey really tight.

 

 

Mickey could see that Leah was already getting more annoyed. So he decided to help Leah out. “Tell yah what princess.” Mickey said as he bent down in front of Mia and spoke to her. “How about you let mommy here give you a bath and then when you’re done, me and you can stay up later on and play, okay? We will even watch as many movies as you want! Then when you’re really tired, I’ll read you a bed time story and tuck you in okay? But first you have to go take a bath” Mickey said to Mia.

 

 

Mia looked at her tío Mickey and was thinking really hard. He could tell because she had put her hands on her hip and was tapping her index finger on her leg as she tilted her head to the side. It must have been a family trait thing; Mickey smiled at Mia as he could tell she was thinking hard about what to do. It took all but 5 seconds for her to start bargaining with him. “Hmmm, can we have ice cream too! And I want my rubber duckies too Tío!” she said excitedly. Mickey wanted to say yes automatically. He would give Mia anything she wanted but then he looked back at Leah who was rolling her eyes at them both.

 

 

“Yes! You can have your rubber duckies, and you can have any kind of ice cream you want! But first you have to take a bath, okay princess?” Mickey told Mia. Leah put her hands on her hip and sighed loudly.

 

Mia looked over at her mother to give her a cute but weird face that Mickey couldn’t help but laugh at. Mia then looked at her uncle studying him. “Hmm, I don’t know. I want extra fudge and like this much of ice cream tio” Mia said extending her arms out wide.

 

 

Mickey laughed at this. “Of course! Anything you want, you got it!” Mickey told Mia enthusiastically.

 

 

“Okay!” Mia said excitedly as she ran into the bathroom, and moments later she ran out to grab her ducks from her bag and ran back into the bathroom.

 

 

Leah looked up at Mickey shaking her head at him. “You do know that she’s spoiled enough by you and your brothers and sister right? You guys need to be firm with her.” Leah said teasing Mickey.

 

 

“Hey!” A familiar voice said from behind. Leah and Mickey turned to see Collin on the side watching them. When Mickey had called Collin to tell him he was downstairs and was coming up, Collin had told Mia that Mickey was on his way up to see her, making his 5 year oldvery excited.

 

 

“Well you do!” Leah said as a matter of fact as she then turned back to look at Mickey.

 

 

Mickey chuckled. “Yeah well she may be you guys daughter, but she’s my baby girl too. She’s the princess and deserves to be spoiled. Plus, it’s been a long time since she’s seen me or that I’ve seen her, so cut me some slack okay?” Mickey tried to say innocently, using his best puppy dog face, aimed more at Leah than Collin. Thanks to Ian, he had pretty much mastered this tactic.

 

 

Leah sighed and gave Mickey a half hug. Mickey smiled at her. “You want to help me with her when she gets out? She a fucking handful and I swear to you right now and here, watch me come out of that bathroom with more water on me then her! Watch! Just you watch!” Leah said as she made her way to the bathroom.

 

 

Mickey smiled and laughed to himself. It was really great to see his niece again. She had the most wonderful smile you could ever see, and she was a character all on her own.

 

 

Collin was looking at his brother, studying him. He couldn’t help but smile at Mickey. His brother was smiling and actually looked alive, more so than ever he had in a while; it was something Collin had missed so much. “She right you know.” Collin said as Mickey looked up at him as he spoke. “Leah will come out of that bathroom with more water on her than Mia. And Mia’s the one getting the bath” Collin said humorously.

 

 

Just as Mickey was about to say something, he and Collin both turned their head’s when they hear Leah suddenly yell. “Mia, no! Not that!” They hear Leah yell out as they hear the shower head turn on from outside ~~of~~ the bathroom.

 

 

“Sorry Mommy, I love you.” Mickey hears Mia say innocently to Leah. Collin laughs, and he and Mickey peak ~~s~~ inside the bathroom quickly to see Leah drenched in water from the shower being turned on, with little Mia laughing at her mom.

 

 

Yeah she was definitely a character all on her own, and Mickey was proud to be her uncle.

 

*****

 

Sure enough, when Mia got out from her bath time, Leah was right. Leah did have more water on her than Mia did. Mickey couldn’t help but laugh at the fact that his little niece was a real jokester. Just as Leah was getting Mia dressed and ready for the afternoon evening time with her tio Mickey, the doorbell rang. Mickey got up from the sofa and made his way to the door. He didn’t have to guess who was behind the door, because he knew who it was anyways. He was expecting Ian to come a little later, but sure enough that's who’s at the door. Mickey opened the door to ~~a~~ brightly smiling, tall redheaded man, still in his uniform.

 

 

God, Ian’s smile still manages to take Mickey’s breathe away. “I thought you were gonna go home and change first before coming here?” Mickey asked Ian as he stepped aside to let Ian in.

 

 

“Who is it?” Collin asked from inside the other room.

 

 

“It’s Ian, Collin!” Mickey said as he turns to look back at Ian again. “So you didn’t want to change to regular clothes or something.” Mickey asked again.

 

 

“I was, but then I decided that I missed you and couldn’t wait to see you.” Ian answered Mickey as he leaned in and kissed Mickey.

 

 

Mickey smiles into the kiss and mumbles “Fucking sap,” making both men laugh as they were still kissing one another. Just as things were starting to heat up from their mini make-out session, Mia popped out of her room and ran towards her uncle. She stops for a moment and sees her uncle is kissing someone. A someone that she, has never met before. Mia tilted her head to the side and crossed her arms. She then proceeded to walk right up to the other person, who is taller than her tío Mickey and suddenly kicked Ian in the shin and stepped back.

 

 

“Ouch! What the-” Ian says out loud in pain as he breaks away from Mickey when he feels a sharp kick to his shin. He then looks down to see a young little girl with green hazel eyes with black long hair looking up at him with a mean grill on her face. Ian had to admit, she was cute, she had a round face and if you looked closely at her face, you saw a splash of freckles across her face.

 

 

“Mia!” Mickey tries to say but then is cut off by Mia.

 

 

“S’cuse me? Who are you? And wwwhhhyyy are you kissing ~~n~~ my tío?” Mia asked Ian sternly. Just as Ian and Mickey were about to answer her, Mia cuts them off yet again before letting either man speak. “I don’t know you, he’s my tío so back off.” Mia said trying her best to shove Ian away as best as she could.

 

 

“Mia stop!” Mickey said to her as he crouches down to look at her. “Mia this is Ian. He’s my boyfriend.” Mickey tells her. “Ian this is Mia.”

 

 

Mia looks up at Ian as if she’s sizing him up. Ian is slightly taken back by this. Collin, Iggy, and Mandy were bad enough. But this little girl seems to be even worse compared to them all together. She is Mickey’s niece after all. “Hmmm. I don’t know” Mia says, then looks at Mickey “Asi que el es tu novio tio?” (So he is your boyfriend tio) Mia asked Mickey. Ian was taken back slightly as the young girl spoke perfect Spanish fluently to him.

 

 

Mickey chuckles slightly and nods his head. “Si, es mi novio Mia.”(Yes, he is my boyfriend Mia) Mickey says to her. Mickey then looks up at Ian and smiles. “Spanish is her first language since that was all Leah spoke to her when she was born. When she doesn’t know someone she speaks Spanish instead of English. Once she gets comfortable around you, she’ll speak English though.” Mickey said to Ian then looks back at Mia who is now looking at Ian up and down as if she is trying to find something wrong with him. “Mia que es eso? (Mia what is it?)” Mickey then asked Mia again.

 

 

Mia looks away from Ian then leans over to Mickey and tries to whisper in his ear. “I thought you were supposed to spend time with me?” She says to him as she pulls away and looks up at him with those puppy eyes.

 

 

Mickey could only smiles at Mia in how innocent she is. He then picks her up from the floor and holds her in his arms. “I am!” Mickey said to her excitedly. “Ian is just here because I invited him over so that you can meet him and that he can meet you. He’s a very important person to me, so I wanted him to meet you. Is that okay?” Mickey asked Mia.

 

 

Mia shrugs her shoulder and sighs loudly. “Está bien, supongo” (Okay I guess). Mia ~~then~~ looks over at Ian and then looks at her tio. She whispers something in his ear again and this time Mickey nods his head in response. Mia’s eyes widen and she smiles. She puts her thumbs up to her tio Mickey and she makes her way down from his hold on her. She then runs to the sala and waits for Mickey.

 

 

Mickey turns to look at Ian. “She asked if you were an officer and I said yeah. That why she gave me the thumbs up. Leah and her watched Zootopia and Mia loves that movie.” Mickey said chuckling. “She said that she’s going to be like the bunny rabbit Judy Hopps and arrest bad guys to protect her city. She also asked if you were nice to me.” Mickey tells Ian.

                                                                

 

“And what did you say?” Ian asked Mickey playfully as he already knows the answer.

 

 

“I said yeah, obviously. If not she would have mostly likely bit you and ran off.” Mickey said amusingly to Ian.

 

 

Just then Ian turns to look at Mickey giving him a shocked yet amused expression. “Oh god, is she just as overprotective of you as Collin and the rest of your siblings?” Ian asked Mickey.

 

 

Mickey nodded his head sympathetically at Ian but was still laughing at him. “Yeeeaaah. She can be…a bit of Collin and Mandy rolled into one. Honestly, Leah says she acts more like me, but I don’t see how.” Mickey says as he walks towards the sala, he then stops and turns to look back at Ian. “Hey red! You coming or what? Because I have very demanding little girl who’s waiting for me in the other room” Mickey said to Ian. As a response, Ian nodded his head and made his way over to Mickey.

 

 

To say the evening was an interesting one was an understatement. After spending time with Collin and Leah for a bit with Mia and Ian, Collin asked Mickey if he wanted to babysit Mia for the night. Mickey agreed instantly. After Collin and Leah left, the whole night was filled with Mia laughing and giggling as they watched “A Nightmare before Christmas.” A movie Ian thought a 5 and a half year old should not be watching, seeing as how the main character Jack was literally trying to steal Christmas and then give Christmas back with not so friendly gifts. However Mickey said it was one of her favorites and since Leah and Collin were out on a date night, Mickey said he was sure they wouldn’t mind, which Ian did not believe for one second. Mia however, had lightened up on Ian a bit. She started to call him “Pecas” (Freckles) and was speaking to him in English, but still kept close to Mickey. Once the promised ice cream came out, the sugar rush of a 5 year old hit.

 

 

“So Ian!” Mia said as she was jumping up and down on the sofa from the sugar rush she was on, thanks to Mickey’s sweet tooth.

 

 

“Yes Mia?” Ian asked amusingly.

 

 

“So, do you like, like my tio Mickey?” Mia asked, slightly out of breathe as she was now on the floor turning around in circles making herself dizzy.

 

 

“Yes I do.” Ian said looking at Mickey, who was sitting beside him, smiling at him. But he was also making sure that Mia didn’t hurt herself, as she as turning around in circles over and over again.

 

 

Mia stopped turning around in circles as she was slightly dizzy and she almost lost her balance. But Mickey was right there next to her as she was smiling shyly at him. “Do you like him a lot a lot?” Mia asked again in a different way.

 

 

Ian laughed “Yes. I do like him a lot a lot.” Ian replied to her smiling.

 

 

“Do you love my tio Mickey?” Mia asked Ian as she went to climb up on Mickey, and rest her head on his chest.

 

 

Ian smiled down at the little girl, who was now resting on Mickey. He could tell her sugar rush was coming to an end and she was crashing. “Yes I do! Very much so.”

 

 

Mia smiled up at Ian then looked at her uncle, then back at Ian. She climbed off Mickey and went to sit in between Mickey and Ian. Just as Mickey was reaching out to drink his water he moved his eyes to the movie that was still playing on the TV. His attention was on the movie for ~~a~~ just a second, until he heard Mia say. “So Ian, when are you and Tio Mickey going to get married?” Mia said matter of fact.

 

 

Mickey spat out his drink, looked at Ian with wide eyes and shocked expression on his face. Mia looked at her tio Mickey to see if he was okay. Ian was laughing just as Mia was patting her tio’s back, trying to help him breathe again. “Tio are you otay?” she asked Mickey.

 

 

Mickey was coughing and trying to catch his breath when he looked at Mia and smiled. His face was red from embarrassment and his eyes slightly glassy. “Um, baby girl why don’t we finish watching the movie okay??” Mickey said to Mia.

 

 

“Why?” Mia asked as she tilted her head slightly, looking up at him.

 

 

“Because you wanted to see it baby girl.” Mickey replied back to her.

 

 

“But, why?” Mia asked again.

 

 

Mickey sighs a little. “Because you picked it princess.” Mickey tells her.

 

 

“But why” Mia says again giggling.

 

 

“Because you did.” Mickey says

 

 

“Hmm, but why.” Mia said laughing as she was trying to tickle Mickey now.

 

 

“Stop it! Mia stop it please.” Mickey says laughing as he tries to stop Mia from tickling him.

 

 

“But why!” Mia says again. This time Ian decided to join in on the tickle attack with Mia. For a good few minutes Mia and Ian were both tickling Mickey. Once Mickey was able to catch his breath he said something he wasn’t supposed to say. “Oh my god you guys are a pain in my ass!” he said breathlessly.

 

 

“You’re a pain in my ass!” Mia said back to Mickey laughing as she jumped down off the sofa giggling.

 

 

“Mickey!” Ian said to him, looking over at Mickey shocked.

 

 

Mickey paws his face and shakes his head. Leah is going to kill him. AGAIN! First time Mia cursed it was because Mickey was always saying Fuck! Now she had just repeated him and said he was a pain in her ass. “Mia you shouldn’t say things I say okay?” Mickey said to her.

 

                                                               

“But why? You say cool things tio. And I love you and look up to you.” Mia said innocently.

 

 

Mickey sighed and knelt before his niece. “Because those are bad words; they’re grown up words, which are the reason why you can’t use them or say them okay.” Mickey tells Mia.

 

 

“Soooo, I can’t use them because they’re bad words? But mommy, daddy, and even you, titi and tio use those words too!” Mia said to Mickey innocently. Mia had a look in her eyes that suggested that she knew what she said was wrong. Yet here she was trying to wrap Mickey around her finger so she wouldn’t get in trouble. And it was working.

 

 

“See baby girl, only grownups can use those words, okay? Even so, we shouldn’t use those kinds of words, but sometimes they slip out. So that’s why me, your mom, your dad and sometimes other adults say bad words. But even so, you shouldn’t say them okay. So no more swearing, even when I do it, okay? And don’t say those words in front of mommy or daddy! Better yet don’t even tell mommy or daddy you heard those words okay?” Mickey tells Mia.

 

 

Mia looked up at Mickey and sadly said. “Okay. I’m so sauwey tio.” Mia said to Mickey and she looked like she was on the brink of tears.

 

 

“Hey! No crying okay. It was mistake alright?” Mickey said to Mia. Mia nodded her head at Mickey in response. “Okay, so no more bad words and I won’t tell Mommy or Daddy. Got it!” Mickey tells Mia.

 

 

Mia smiled up at Mickey and gave him a big hug. “Otay tio, I prowamise.” She said as she hugged Mickey tight and looked over at Ian. Mia gave Ian a wink and smiled.

 

 

Ian couldn’t help but smile and chuckle quietly to himself. This little girl was an expert at getting her way, and she knew it to. Touché Mia, touché.

 

_____________

 

That following evening, just as promised; after the movie that they had watched, they had run around trying to convince a 5 year old Mia that she needed to put on her pajamas and go to bed. Mickey tucked Mia in her bed with the help of Ian. Both Mickey and Ian read Mia a story from her Disney Princess book. They were halfway done with the story of Cinderella when Mickey looked down at Mia to see that she was sleeping peacefully leaning next to Ian. Mickey couldn’t help but smile at both of them. Ian was smiling back at Mickey. For a moment the two of them just looked at one another. Ian motioned to Mickey that he was getting up.

 

 

Once Ian carefully got up from the bed making sure he didn’t wake up Mia, he stood at the door way just looking inside at Mia and Mickey. He wasn’t sure if Mickey noticed he was still there, or if he did, Mickey didn’t acknowledge that he was there. Ian saw Mickey brush the strain of hair away from Mia’s face. He leaned in and kissed her forehead lightly and was smiling down at her. Mickey made sure to tuck in the sheets at Mia’s side tightly. When he was sure she was tucked in good, he just sat on the side of the bed and watched her as she slept. Mickey couldn’t help but get emotional as he watched his niece sleep peacefully.

 

 

His mind was running in so many places all at once. He couldn’t help but feel that all he wanted to do was protect this little girl at all costs. Mia was his niece, his god daughter, his little bundle of a firecracker. She was his angel. Mickey remembers the day she was born; he remembers being one of the first people to hold her after Leah gave birth. He remembers making a promise to her, to always protect her, and be there for her if she ever needed him. Mickey’s mind started jumping back and forth from good to bad thoughts. He wasn’t too much older than her when the bad things had started to happen to him.

 

 

Mickey had no idea he was crying until he felt a few tears fall down from his face that landed on his hands. He wiped his face quickly as he got up from the edge of the bed. He turned around to exit the room, only to be stopped by Ian at the entrance of the door who was leaning against it. Ian looked at Mickey and his heart breaks. Ian backs away from the room as Mickey makes his way out of Mia’s room, only for Ian to grab Mickey and hug him. Ian holds onto Mickey tightly, as Mickey breaks down in tears. Ian wasn’t sure what to say or what to do or even what was wrong with Mickey, but at this moment all he knows is that his boyfriend needed him right now.

 

 

Once Mickey was all cried out, he went to the bathroom and washed his face. He tried to calm his breathing, he felt like he was going to have an anxiety attack. Ian walked in and kept his distance as he spoke to him. “Do you want to talk about it?” Ian asked Mickey.

 

 

For a moment Mickey didn’t answer. He didn’t move or look in Ian’s direction. He was just still. “I wasn’t too much older when it happened.” Mickey whispered to Ian. He still wasn’t looking at Ian, but his body was shaking. “She’s so young and if anything like that happened to her, like what happened to me-” Mickey said cutting himself off. He looked up into Ian’s eyes as he continued on speaking. “I will kill anyone, and I mean- Any. One. Any-one, who would dare to hurt that little girl in there?” Mickey said to Ian. “Do you understand that Ian.” Mickey said seriously to Ian, more in a statement, than a question.

 

 

Ian nodded his head up and down at Mickey as he said “Yeah, yeah I get it Mick.” Ian saw that Mickey was feeling even more vulnerable. So he daringly took a step into Mickey’s personal space. Mickey didn’t object, as Ian just embraced him, holding him closer now, more than ever.

  

 

 

 

*****

 

 

The dreams Mickey had were never as bad as he lead them to believe. However, some nights when he was alone or even when he was with Ian sleeping safe and sound, he often found himself waking up scared sweating, and trying hard to breathe for air. Some nights Ian would be up with him for hours trying to calm him down. Other nights when Ian would be working the night shift, Mickey would ~~be~~ lie wide awake crying, holding himself. Many times he tried to comfort himself, using healthier methods and not looking for a bad way out. Therapy was helping him and his alters deal with things in a positive way. But some nights, nights like these when he would sometimes wake up from a bad memory; he would piss the bed, not knowing he had done it. Those were the nights he was grateful Ian wasn’t around and was working. When he did piss himself, he would be all sweaty, with tears coming down his face, trying hard and desperately to control his breathing. He would get up and change the sheets, clean up and take a shower.

 

 

The shower was like Mickey’s sanctuary; he would stay in there for hours letting the hot water hit him as hot as he can take it. He always felt dirty after waking up from his dreams….the nightmares that still haunted him….the nightmares of that house…the reality of what his father had done to him, what his father had let those people do to him. It’s not an easy thing to deal with; to feel and know that the things that happened to you should have never happened but they had. To know that so many awful things had happened to you, it never got easy. Those things had happened to Mickey and to still feel it as if it just happened was unbearable. No, this was a nightmare that no one should have to deal with. Ever!

 

 

To Mickey, he still felt like he was this disgusting thing. Not even a person, just a thing that was used. He didn’t let anyone know how he was feeling or how he felt about himself. The only person who knew was his therapist because Mickey felt like he could tell her anything. Well, almost everything. The fact that he just never felt clean, like he always felt dirty and disgusted with himself was a battle with his mind that he was losing. Mickey figured in the beginning when he remembered everything, slowly but surely that those feelings would go away. Nick had managed to not let those feelings affect him; Richard was able to not feel anything in Mickey’s opinion. It was Nick who would sometimes help Mickey with those thoughts. It didn’t help all the time, and most of the time he would look in the mirror and think to himself that he deserved what had happened to him. But of course his therapist always told Mickey that he didn’t deserve anything his father had done to him; that no one could deserve the kind of punishment and treatment which he had experienced during the years of his childhood.

 

 

Mickey was pretty sure that even his siblings, and his boyfriend and his boyfriend's’ sister Debbie would have said that exact same thing to him. But no matter what they would say to him, he still felt unclean ~~ed~~. He felt like he was nothing more than a used up person. More often than not recently, Mickey had started to question why Ian even loved him? Why was Ian with him? Why? Simply, Why? Mickey felt like he didn’t deserve to be loved; that he didn’t deserve people loving him. Mickey wanted desperately to slip back into that black hole again and never come out of it. But that got him in trouble way too many times to count. If his integration was going to work, he had to find another way of coping with his feelings and the thoughts that lied, swirling inside of his head. From time to time he would rub his forearm; he sometimes even dug his nails into his skin. It helped to prevent the pain he was feeling; it helped him to control something other than him trying to control his mind. He needed to know and feel something that was real to him. As weird as it may sound it sometimes helped. The memories that lay in there, in his head taunted him day in and day out. It was the same thing he had always done when he was younger. He remembered always doing it; he wanted to control something other than the memories and the horrific dreams he dreamt.

 

 

Mickey was at his loft apartment by himself that night. He was supposed to stay at Ian’s and Debbie’s but he got into a small fight with Ian. He didn’t want to be around him or anyone so he left. Now that he thought about it as he was lying in bed by himself, he couldn’t remember what they fought about. But all he wanted to do was be alone and think to himself.

 

 

Mickey was lying down in his bed and was looking up at the ceiling. It was for him, as if time had stopped. He ended up having another bad dream. More like a memory, and all he wanted to do was be alone, yet he didn’t want to be alone. He honestly didn’t want to think of anything horrible. He just wanted a good night’s rest for once. That didn’t come so easily to him. He got up to wash his face again and looked in the mirror. “You look like shit Mick.” he said to himself.

 

 

Mickey somehow got to sleep again after cleaning himself up. This time it was thanks to the medication that was given to him to help him sleep. For some reason he was trying hard to fight his sleep. It was as if he wanted to sleep, but he was too scared to. Eventually sleep won over him and slept…

 

*****

 

Ian knew that Mickey wanted to be alone, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that Mickey needed him. Plus he needed to hear and see his boyfriend. He felt bad about their fight they had earlier. They fought over something really stupid. Ian had wanted to go out with some of his co-workers and bring Mickey along. However Mickey wasn’t in the mood, so Ian said it was fine even though for him it wasn’t. But he didn’t want to make Mickey feel bad, so Ian told Mickey he would see him later. From there an argument started, though Ian had no idea whatsoever how it had gone from inviting his boyfriend out to be with his friends from work, to Mickey saying that Ian was too good for him and that his friends would know that Mickey wasn’t worth shit.

 

 

It was an emotional roller coaster for both men, and yet neither one of them knew how an argument came about from it. However, Ian wanted to check up on Mickey and make sure he was okay, and maybe talk things out. At least if Ian saw that Mickey was okay, or even heard that he was fine, then Ian would be fine as well. Mickey could tell him to go fuck off afterwards if he didn’t want Ian to stay. Ian didn’t mind that, just as long as he made sure Mickey was okay. Ian just wanted to make sure Mickey was okay and fine. He knew Mickey hadn’t been having the best couple of months recently and even though he saw his niece recently, he still sometimes became sad, distant, or even pissed off at things. Ian felt as though Mickey was getting into arguments with him on purpose, pushing him away and making himself distant. Ian wasn’t having any of that, so he would push back and continues to be by Mickey’s side no matter what. Especially like last week after his therapy session with Dr. Jimenez. Mickey had come back upset, then all of sudden he locked himself in his room. Ian tried to talk to him, but Mickey ignored him. Ian just pushed and pushed until Mickey and him got into an argument, where it had ended with him holding his boyfriend close to him, telling Mickey he wasn’t going anywhere and that Ian would be there for him no matter what.

 

 

So again, here’s Ian was at Mickey’s apartment; he knows his boyfriend was home. He just doesn’t know if he is still in a shitty mood or not. Ian lets himself inside Mickey’s apartment. As Ian walks inside the apartment, it’s dark. All the lights are off except for the one in the sala, where the small lamp light is on. Ian sighs quietly to himself. He takes his shoes off, and removes his jacket to hang it up on the wall. Ian walks further into the apartment and sees that Mickey’s bedroom door is open. He walks toward Mickey door quietly. He was trying to not startle Mickey if he was up and he didn’t want to wake him up if he was already sleeping. Ian knew that Mickey was having a difficult time sleeping so any sleep he got was a blessing.  

 

 

Ian leans against the doorway and just watches Mickey sleep. Of course to anyone it would look creepy, but he couldn’t help but stay put where he was ~~at~~ and watch his boyfriend sleep. Just as Ian was about to leave and go crash on the sofa, Ian hears Mickey whimpering in his sleep. Ian turns around and walks inside Mickey’s room towards his bed.

 

 

Mickey was moving around, thrashing around and crying in his sleep. He was sweating and then started to breathe fast. “No, no please stop!” Ian hears Mickey. Ian goes to wake Mickey up. He shakes him at first and calls to him trying hard to wake him up. “Get off me! Get the fuck off me!” Mickey yells out from his sleep with his eyes still closed.

 

 

Frantically Ian tries harder to wake Mickey up from his sleep. “Babe, wake up. Mickey baby I need you to get up.” Ian says as he tries shaking Mickey awake. “Hey, Mick-Mick hey wake-up. Come on baby I need you to wake up! It’s just a dream okay! Mickey it’s just a dream, wake up!” Ian says as he forces Mickey to get up.

 

Mickey was now moving more in his sleep, fighting Ian. Then suddenly his eyes shoot open and he sits up screaming. “STOP IT! STOP! I DON’T WANT TO DO THAT! LE-LEAVE ME ALONE!” Mickey yells out crying.

 

 

Ian grabs a hold of Mickey’s face and tries to help him focus as he speaks to him. “It’s me baby, it’s Ian, hey-it’s me okay. No one is here! Just me! It’s just me okay! Mickey it’s me okay, it’s Ian! Look at me baby, look at me okay. You’re just having a nightmare!” Ian says to Mickey trying to get him to focus on him. “It’s me-It’s your Ian Mick.” Ian says in a low whisper as Mickey looks at him with tears coming down his face.

 

 

“Ian…Ian it’s you?” Mickey asked Ian, and before Ian could answer him, Mickey leans in and kisses Ian. He kisses Ian hard and holds onto him tightly. As they’re kissing one another, things start to heat up between both men. Mickey goes to grab Ian’s shirt and lift it over his head. Ian just kisses Mickey and tries to ground him the best he can. When Mickey goes to undo Ian’s zipper in his pants, Ian stops him.

 

 

“Whoa-whoa wait a second Mick” Ian tried to say to Mickey, but Mickey wasn’t listening to him. Ian tried again to stop Mickey, but Mickey still wasn’t listening to him. Just as Mickey managed to push Ian’s pants off with all the strength he got, Ian pinned Mickey down to the bed and held his wrist tightly down to the bed. Ian was breathing hard, and so was Mickey. “STOP!” Ian tells Mickey as he’s looking down at him. Mickey was looking up at Ian shocked with wide eyes. For a moment neither men moved, and all you heard in the room with heavy breathing. Mickey went to make a move, to lean forward towards Ian and kiss him again, but Ian stopped him. “No! Mickey stop!” Ian pleaded with Mickey, who still hadn’t said a word to Ian.

 

 

Ian let Mickey’s wrist go, as he sits up on his knees and looks down at Mickey. Mickey pushes himself up with his elbows and looks at Ian. Mickey reaches out to Ian and caresses his cheek. He then leans into Ian and kisses him softly. When he breaks the kiss, he leans his head forward together with Ian’s, with his eyes still closed. Mickey then leans back slightly and kisses Ian roughly again, this time holding him. “Make me forget” Mickey mumbles to Ian as he pushes Ian’s boxers off “Make me forget what I know.” Mickey says against Ian’s lips “Make it feel good Red.” Mickey says again as he leans back on the bed, bringing Ian with him. Once Ian manages to break the kiss from Mickey, he looks down at his boyfriend confused and slightly frightened. Mickey was just having a bad dream and now he wanted to have sex. That couldn’t be right. “Please” Mickey says in a whisper to Ian, as his eyes are glassy.    

 

Ian was conflicted on what to do; on whether or not to give Mickey what he wants or stop this all together. Ian goes and kisses Mickey soft at first, but then Mickey roughly grabs him and turns him around. Soon all clothes are off and Mickey’s on Ian. Ian lays still as Mickey takes over, not even paying attention to Ian. His mind spaces out as they’re having sex. It happened so fast for Ian, that he couldn’t tell you or himself how they went from kissing so fast to Mickey manhandling him in bed. Mickey was rough, rougher than he ever was before in bed. He grabs Ian and drags him up from his sitting position as he continues to ride him. “Pull my hair” Mickey says breathless

 

 

“What?” Ian says instantly.

 

 

“Go ahead pull it.” Fucking pulling it!” Mickey tells Ian. So Ian does it, and Mickey gasps “Fuck” as he continues to ride Ian. Mickey bites Ian’s shoulder scratching, his back as he whispers in his ear things Ian has never heard Mickey say to him “You like that don’t you?” He says “Like it when I beg for it, when I fight with you and we fuck huh? Or do you like it when I’m screaming” Mickey tells Ian. “Oh no, I bet you like it when you fuck me so hard that I’m crying like the little slut I am right. You want me to be that Ian. Want me to be that used up whore?” Mickey says as he holds Ian’s hand down as they were on his hips while he makes Ian put pressure on them. “I bet you like this right? Like marking me up so that everyone knows who I belong to? How I belong to you? You like that don’t you Ian? You want them to know, what kind of-” Mickey says, but Ian cuts him off as he pushes Mickey off of him.

 

 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Ian said

 

 

“What? Not into talking while fucking?” Mickey said sarcastically. “How about a little choking” Mickey said to Ian as if it was nothing. And when Ian didn’t respond ~~ed~~ quick enough Mickey continued on talking. “No! Okay, you can just fuck me then. You want that right? Everyone wants that.”

 

 

Ian looks at Mickey as if he'd grown two different heads. “No! Mickey what the fuck is wrong with you?” Ian nearly yells out at Mickey.

 

 

“What? You don’t want to fuck a used up person right?! You want someone better, someone who isn’t as fucked up as I am!” Mickey said

 

 

Ian shakes his head “No Mick, what is up with you? I want you!” Ian says to Mickey as he tries to reach for him to hug him.

 

“No!” Mickey says as he pushes Ian away and was shaking his head as he yells at Ian now. “You don’t fucking get it! No one does okay! No one fucking gets it!”

 

 

“Then explain to me Mickey! Explain! For fuck sake, explain and tell me! Why would you say that to me? Let me just fucking help you for once-god just let me fucking help you.” Ian said desperately.

 

 

Mickey looks at Ian with sad eyes, with tears threatening to come out. “Don’t you get it! No one can help me…..I’m fucking ruined… you’re stuck with someone who’s broken and you deserve someone who’s not, okay?” Mickey said to Ian emotionally. “I’m not…you deserve better, more okay? Just go and leave…..it’s okay to leave me. I get it, okay.” Mickey said lowly to Ian. He wanted to give Ian a way out, a way out of all this chaos.

 

 

Ian looked at Mickey shocked and frowned. “Say’s who?....huh Mickey, says who? Why do I deserve better and not you? Why are you doing this?” Ian asked Mickey calmly, keeping his emotions in check. There was something bothering Mickey, and Mickey wasn’t telling him. He wasn’t opening up and Ian knew that was hard for Mickey to do. But he’d be damned if the man he loved and had fought for was going to push him away. Fuck that!

 

 

Mickey was silent for a moment. He looks away from Ian trying his best to compose himself, but fails as the tears start to come out of his eyes. “Me….says me okay….you don’t want me. I don’t even want me.” Mickey sighs as he looks at Ian for a quick moment then looks away from him again. “Ian, I don’t want to be me okay….no one gets that….No one gets that those dreams I have are memories…” Mickey said low and sad. His mind went blank as he spoke, all of his emotions pouring out of him like a broken glass jar full of water. “Memories of what they did to me! How I tried and tried again to fucking fight them over and over again to just give up.” Mickey said looking at Ian. “I gave up and let them do anything they wanted to me….sometimes I didn’t even fight. I just let them have their way with me.” Mickey said looking directly in Ian’s eyes, before he turned around and wiped the tears from his face.

 

 

“Mickey…babe” Ian said as he tries to talk again, but then Mickey cut him off.

 

 

Mickey suddenly becomes pissed off. “No-No okay!” Mickey yells at Ian as he turns around to look at Ian. “You wanna know what the fuck they did huh?” Mickey nearly screams at him.

 

 

“Mickey-” Ian says calmly yet warily, giving Mickey a confused look. Yes, this had come out recently as Mickey’s nightmares of his past kept coming up. As Mickey had kept to himself more and more, Ian thought that talking about what happened to him with him would help him more. Even though Mickey was seeing his therapist, Ian wanted to help Mickey in some way. So he had asked Mickey a few times if he wanted to talk about what had happened to him as a child. Sometimes Mickey would simply say ‘no’, other times him and Ian got into an argument about it, ~~or~~ and sometimes Mickey would give Ian a look, and when he did Ian wouldn’t say anything more about it.

 

 

“No!” Mickey said cutting Ian off and continued on talking “You said explain right! So I’m fucking explaining! You wanna know how they just took turns with him me, huh?” Mickey starts saying and there was no stopping him now. With tears coming down his face as he spoke to Ian; if he wanted to know so bad then he was going to tell him. “How they slapped me around when I didn’t do something they asked? Or better yet Ian, how they fucking went ahead and would hold me down to do whatever the fuck it was they wanted to do! How each person including that fat fuck of a father of mine, would take turns doing shit to me! Whether it was burning me, or cutting me or fucking-fucking me, hitting me with a belt over and over again till the pain felt non-existent!” Mickey said harshly. “Huh! You wanna fucking know how they fucking took a stick Ian! A Fucking Stick and they used it on me.” Mickey said weakly as more tears came down his face. “How-how they” Mickey choked out as he was speaking to Ian. “H-How they fucking -fucked me…(Mickey took a deep breath for a moment, trying hard to compose himself)…how they played with me over and over again, videotaping it and laughing at me as I cried for them to stop! I begged them to stop!” Mickey said wiping his face glaring at Ian. “How I (He said pointing to himself now) fucking got off on things they did to me…” (And for a moment the room felt like it got silent). “Got off on it when they did shit to me because that’s what happened Ian!” Mickey yelled out. “Because that was it Ian….they did all sorts of shit to me, and I fought it, I fucking fought it all till I couldn’t anymore and I let them do it to me! And I got off on it! How each time they took a picture of me, or videotaped me; how I just let that shit happened! Never telling anyone! Not one goddamn fucking person. I just took it because we had no choice but to take it!” Mickey said crying to himself backing away from Ian. Mickey looks at Ian and hissed out “You happy now huh? You know!” Mickey turns around and releases a long breath that he didn’t even know he had been holding. “..... Now you know…Now you know some of the sick shit your boyfriend went through and guess what Ian?” Mickey said calmly at first. “I got off on it!” Mickey screams out at Ian and walks backwards till his back hit the wall and he slid down the wall and began to cry harder. “I didn’t want any of it…I didn’t want them to touch me, or feel anything of what they did to me…(Mickey was crying harder now) I wish I didn’t remember what they did to me. I wished I didn’t feel this way……Th-th-they took it all away-they kept it from me-me” Mickey said coughing out as he was trying to catch his breath from crying. “They protected me for so long a-a-and I know why. It hurts so much….so much to remember.” Mickey said to himself out loud lowly as he was crying, holding himself.

 

 

Mickey didn’t notice straight away that Ian was next to him holding him tightly, trying hard to calm his partner down. Mickey held on to Ian for dear life, and cried till he couldn’t cry anymore. He thought that pushing Ian and everyone else away would prevent him from feeling heartbroken. Because sooner or later, Ian would leave him because he would see how broken, used up and wasted Mickey was. They all would leave him. It was something Mickey feared, and knew his heart wouldn’t be able to take that kind of pain. His siblings were his life, but Ian was something more, something special to him…and if he lost that after finding it? Well then maybe there is such a thing as dying of a broken heart. So why not nip it in the ass now and get it over with. But apparently Ian wasn’t letting go of Mickey, and a part of Mickey loved him even more for that.

 

 

 

Mickey had eventually cried himself to sleep in Ian’s arms, and Ian let him. Ian carried Mickey to their bed and laid him down covering him up tightly. Ian looked at Mickey as he slept, and wondered how anyone could do something like that to a child, to Mickey of all people. How could someone that was supposed to love and care for you, someone who was supposed to protect you, do that to another person? Ian knew Frank wasn’t the best dad, but he would never do what Mickey’s father did to him or any of his siblings. Ian swore right then and there, that he would love Mickey till the day he died. He would show him that he was worth loving, worth being loved, and worth having around. No matter how much the younger Milkovich would push him or how much he would start a fight to push Ian away, Ian decided that he would push right back. Mickey Milkovich wasn’t getting rid of him that easily. Mickey of all people should know that by now, I mean look at their history for pete’s sake! After everything they been through, he definitely should have known that.

 

 

*****

 

“It was this one time….Terry lent me out to this guy. I still rememberhow the guy smelt,… of grease and slime…how his skin felt so rough and it was disgusting.” Mickey said looking away from his therapist as he was recalling the event of his childhood. “…..he uh, he had me for a weekend.” Mickey continued on saying as he was now staring at the wall trying hard to stare out at nothing. “I was like 10……Fresh young meat he called me, fucker thought I was fresh meat. Jokes on him right?” Mickey said now looking at his therapist “Terry been using me for years. I was far from fresh” Mickey said bitterly. “Asshole told me, I was going to have a good time.” Mickey said now as his voice became small. He started trembling as he continued on speaking. “The first night he tied me up and recorded me….when he was done with me, he left me there tied up….I didn’t cry or anything. Nick, he ah…I mean I-I didn’t show any emotions as we got older. He hides it well, we hid it well.” Mickey says as he tries to correct himself. Being more than one person was still a challenge for him, but all in all, he was grateful in a way for his alters…slightly. “I tried to tell him to stop….” Mickey stopped talking for a moment and tried really hard to not run away from this memory he had. He had a habit of stopping half way through his session with Dr. Jimenez when he would be recalling memories of his past. He tried telling her sometimes of the things that had happened and how it made him feel, but it was always hard, and it was getting harder. But after a few moments of Mickey breathing calmly and battling himself internally, he spoke again and this time he didn’t look at his doctor. Mickey stood looking at the table trying hard to not shed a tear as he spoke now. “Nick tried to tell him to stop because it was hurting so bad… He ah-he penetrated me, with no lube, no prep and it hurt so bad.” Mickey said wiping his eyes and looking down at his lap as he was playing with his fingers nervously.

 

 

 

Doctor Jimenez passed Mickey a box of tissues and just sat there waiting for Mickey to continue. Just when things started to progress it felt like Mickey was going back. This was a concern for her, Doctor Jimenez worried about pushing Mickey too far to remember, and she worried ~~of~~ how much of a strain this was putting on him mentally. For Mickey the thing was that he knew he needed the help, however remembering so much made him feel so ashamed of what happened to him as a child. Telling anyone was a scary thought to him. Dr. Jimenez knew this, so she would push a little, but not too much and let Mickey go at his own pace. He was thankful for that. As long as he was talking about it, dealing with it while in therapy and coming to terms that what had happened to him was not his fault; that was what he needed to do, that was what his doctor wanted him to do.

 

 

Mickey knew he needed to face his demons and come to terms with everything that had happened to him and not just some of the things that happened. He needed not to pretend anymore, he needed not to think of these memories as bad dreams, No! He needed to understand that this had happened to him! That this was the reason why his mind had split; why he dissociated out into a split personalities, which is his defense mechanism. His Doctor, his siblings, and Ian all said that he was strong, but he needed to see that. Dr. Jimenez needed Mickey to see that he was the victim and that he didn’t look for any of this; an innocent child was who he was. Innocent! Mickey needed to understand that, and Dr. Jimenez was helping him to see that slowly but surely.

 

 

“He kept a toy in me…and it was so uncomfortable. His, a-his wife, she uh-she was with him.” After that statement, there was a long silence. Mickey was looking at the floor as he was remembering in his mind, reliving the events of that day. “She lay on the bed next to me……he untied me and he made me get on her…I was slapped around by both of them when I refused or was too slow…..he held my face up to look at the camera every time, but I gave them no emotion…I stared straight at him with so much hate. I wanted him dead; (Mickey hissed out as he spoke) I wanted both of them dead….” Mickey was getting more upset as he spoke.

 

 

“He fucked me, while I fucked her.” he bitterly said. Suddenly, Mickey was laughing hysterically to himself which worried Dr. Jimenez a bit. But then she saw the tears spilling from Mickey’s eyes and it made her heart hurt even more. “He was there you know….Terry.” Mickey said, as he looked up at his doctor. “He was recording and the son of bitch was getting off on it…..I remembered when they were done with me, how they gave him an envelope with money and said that every month they wanted me for a weekend….So every month they got me for a weekend and either they would record or not…either way they used me like whore.” He said lowly and looked away “This one time…” Mickey said sitting straight up now. “...this one time I got sick while I was with them. I threw up after I was forced to give a blow job. I hated it, the way they forced my mouth down and the way they made me stay there…..I wasn’t feeling well and I didn’t say anything. I got sick and threw up. There was an argument and Terry took me back home…Mandy was home that time, and I remember Terry telling her to take care of me because I had a fever…she did, she took care of me.” Mickey said looking up at his doctor and smiling. “I wanted to tell her where I was, what he was doing to me……but then I slipped and I was me again. It was as if Nick wanted me to say something. Like he wanted to say something, but, but- he felt like he couldn’t count on her. Or on anyone really.” Mickey said looking back up at the doctor. “She took care of me, like she always did when I got sick.” Mickey said smiling.

 

 

Mickey smiled at the memory of Mandy helping him sit up and eat his soup, or when she gave him medicine for his fever. He smiled gently when he remembered the time he threw up and she was there to help clean him up. Mandy had asked him where had all the marks on his body come from a few times. At that time, Mickey honestly didn’t remember. Nick would be gone and he would be left alone thinking of how he got the cut on his arm, or how the bruises on his arms and legs got there, or why it would hurt for him to sit down. Mickey would tell Mandy he didn’t know or didn’t remember. Mandy would tell him that he is always getting into things and hurting himself. He was clumsy sometimes, so he figured it was because of that, however at that time he didn’t know his body was being used. But now he did; now he remembered and now it made him sicker.

 

 

“There was this doctor…he um, he was one of what Terry called his ‘favorite people …..He was the guy on the film, that you guys found.” Mickey said looking up again. He was nervous; he was always nervous and fidgety when talking about any of this. “Whenever someone broke skin and tore me…Terry had him look at me. His payment was always me. Since day one it was always me. He would inspect me for bruises and cuts and sometimes Terry would randomly just take a cigarette and burn me with it for kicks…or just punch me whenever he felt like it…at the time I was Me, I was Mickey and I wasn’t split and I figured it was because I would accidentally spill his beer, or that I would be in his way…or that I was even alive” Mickey said. pushing the palm of his hand in his eyes and wiping them so he wouldn’t cry. He calmed his breathing and continued to talk.

 

 

“…I was like a fucking human punching bag for him. If I wasn’t his sexual toy I was his bag….” Mickey said and chuckled darkly “Ain’t that some shit” he said angrily. “Anyway…see the-a… the good old doctor, he (Mickey exhaled quickly as he spoke) he would, he would fucking patch me up and then do whatever he wanted.” Mickey looked at Charlene and sat back “Why do you think Nick was always such a prick to you or anyone at the hospital when we were there?” he asked her. “It was because he didn’t trust doctors…I still don’t trust them.” Mickey looked away and said bitterly “The good old doctor would love it when I refused to do anything…he always said ‘he loved ~~a~~ disobedient boys’ he always made me sick after being with him.” Mickey said and sat back on the sofa and just looked more exhausted than he had in a long time. The session was over, and both him and Dr. Jimenez knew Mickey was done for the day.

 

 

 

As the weeks went on, the sessions with his therapist were coming along slowly but surely. Mickey wanted to move on from the memories of his past. But the late night nightmares and the crying in his sleep were still happening, just not as often. The withdrawal from his siblings and Ian made it hard. Many times he just wanted to be alone, many times he found himself thinking and wondering why Ian was with him? After their last encounter with everything and Mickey telling him what his father and those men had done to him, Mickey felt like him and Ian were a bit strong together. Still a part of him wanted to close off. It just felt much safer if he did. But Ian wouldn’t let him do that.

 

 

At times Mickey wondered to himself. ‘Why was he alive, why did this happen to him? What did he do to deserve what happened to him?’ It was times like these he wondered if living was even worth it, but Mickey knew he wanted to live! It was just so painful with the memories and thoughts he remembered. He appreciated Nick a hell of lot more now than he ever had. He was Nick and Nick was him, he was Rick and he was little Mick all in one; he wondered to himself, “if he could go back, would he want to remember everything and integrate like he did? Would he do it again or would he not?” Part of Mickey told himself not to think like that. Sure he lived with the thoughts of a monster, a man who did this to him, a man was supposed to be his dad, and not the monster he feared. The monster took away everything innocent inside of him, Mickey felt. His innocence, his childhood, his happiness, his hopes and love and had turned it into something so dark and horrible that it haunted him and every fucking day is a struggle to get out of bed and look at himself in the mirror and not see something worthless and disgusting. Who the fuck does that? What kind of person, takes away something from you such as a light and give you nothing but darkness and pain…A monster…his father was a monster who had used him.

 

 

Then Mickey would think back to everything that he has now. He has a boyfriend who is amazing, and annoying. A man who loves him unconditionally, fiercely! A man, who literally has stuck by his side through everything and continues to do so. Even when Mickey pushed him away and even tried to give him a way out. He loves that about Ian so much. And his siblings! He has his siblings who are always there for him, they’re all the greatest. He has a great job that he loves; he’s made friends even, some of them who are from the club he used to dance in oddly. Isn’t that something! Mickey has his own little family…he wonders if he could make that family even bigger someday….who knows?

 

 

Today everyone was the Gallagher house simply enjoying a good time, eating and drinking. The family was all here and Mickey was looking around at them all. He smiled to himself and knew. He just knew what he needed to do next.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so that happen. What i can give you for next chapter hmmm love fluff and romantic gestures. I know I'm being sappy! Ewwww lol Also at the beginning of the chapter is from a Song called DNA BY Lia Marie Johnson. OMG that song hit home for me and I felt it would for Mickey as well. Check it out on youtube or download her song. Heres a link so you guys can hear it if you want. 
> 
> https://youtu.be/4Y7pRYhvOBU


	35. And I could not ask for More!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo I know I was suppose to have this up a few month ago . However life got ahead of me and with school and working on the play and having a job full time can be crazy. Now I am not sure if I will have two more chapters left or just 1. I am however making a part 2 but that will be in the works as time goes on. I still am working on my other Fic Life Unexpected which many of you love. I don't abandon my work and I plan to finish it all. I hope you all enjoy this chapter.
> 
>  
> 
> A few notes the italic words are past events and the bold with underlining are notes Mickey gives to Ian. Now a lot of this is real life events that has happened to me so I figured why not put it in a chapter that needs some fluffiness lol. This is not beta as it is a give to my Beta Lianne whom I love and miss so much. I am also dedicating this chapter to my love and close friend Claudia. I miss her dearly and soon we will see one another again me, her, Lianne and Davina. Meeting them last year to see Cam was amazing. Best part of my trip was meeting my friends. Finally I want to dedicate this chapter to Saleha. Shes amazing and I love her and shes the best. Seriously she kind heart and fierce. All my mains are which is why I love them dearly. 
> 
>  
> 
> Okay enough of me chit chatting on here. I hope you enjoy this chapter. 
> 
> Thanks for sticking around guys! Love you all seriously.
> 
>  
> 
> PS. Listen to this song before you read it or while your reading it. I recommend it since its their song for me.
> 
> Edwin McCain-I could not ask for more  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZPXRJkla7fI

Mickey looks on over at Ian’s bedside table and sees the time on the clock. It reads 8:04am. Mickey was finally awake and staring up at the sealing. He’s been planning Ian’s birthday present for a while now. He just hopes that the outcome of it will be what they both want. So things have been going really good and Mickey wants it to stay that way. Last night was amazing, him and Ian made love for hours last night. Their bodies were in synced with one another, as Mickey was lying under Ian, and Ian was thrusting in hard yet slowly inside of Mickey. Mickey was panting hard holding onto Ian. Their eyes connected with one another, and neither man looked away from one another as they both hit their blissful release together. Last night was an example of just exactly what Mickey wanted to have for the rest of his life. And that was Love. 

 

 

Ian was still asleep as he was facing Mickey now.  Mickey was just looking at Ian sleep; as creepy as it was, he couldn’t look away from him as he slept. Ian was sleeping on his stomach with his arms wrapped under the pillow that he was lying down on with his mouth slightly opened. Mickey can’t help but count the freckles on his face as he was smiling at Ian and for a few moments Mickey takes the time to look at Ian and watch him sleep.  Ian looks so peaceful, so gentle that Mickey wants to wake him up but decides not to. Mickey gets up from the bed slowly and carefully seeing as Ian is somewhat of a light sleep. Mickey goes to his bathroom quietly closing the door behind him. He brushes his teeth and washing his face real quick before he goes back into his room, to his boyfriend who is shockingly still asleep. Most of the times whenever Mickey gets up from their bed when they’re sleeping, Ian will notice right away and get up. Today however was a different story. It could be because Mickey kept Ian up last night with wanting to do various things. Mickey smiles to himself as he remembers last night.

 

_Last Night_

_“Babe! Where are you?” Ian shouted out as he enters Mickeys’ apartment._

_“In here!” Mickey shouted back to Ian from the back room. Mickey was going over paperwork for the shop._

_Ian enters Mickey’s back room and sits down on the bean bag he has in his office. “What are you doing?”_

_“Fucking paperwork for the shop, which apparently my fucking sister can’t do!” Mickey said to Ian while still looking at his computer screen. “Bitch said I had to do it because she did all the work when I was sick! She’s such a fucking bitch!” Mickey said looking at Ian now who was looking at Mickey with a small smile on his face. He secretly loved it when Mickey would rant on about anything and everything. God he really was in love with this man. “So I told her dumb ass that it wasn’t my fault I couldn’t do my job.  Then she said ‘tough shit!’ Bitch is lucky I didn’t do anything when I was sick. All I wanted to do was fuck, party, and fuck! Most likely I would have used up a shit tone of money anyways.” Mickey said looking back at the computer to see something._

_Ian looked at Mickey and laughed. “But you did use up a shit tone of money!”_

_Mickey looks up at Ian “You’re on her fucking side?” Mickey said ignoring Ian’s comment of the shit tone of money that he did spend._

_Ian stopped laughing and looked at Mickey with puppy dog eyes. “No! I’m just saying you did use a shit tone of money and did a lot of stuff!” Ian said as a matter of fact to Mickey giving him an innocent smile._

_Mickey sits back and leans on his chair while looking at Ian and smiling. “Yeah I did. And I remember doing it. I also remember doing it a lot when your fucking ass came around.” Mickey said smiling at Ian wiggling his eyebrows at him._

_“Oh so you’re blaming me for all this?” Ian said gesturing to Mickey and his work._

_“Yeah I am and you should be fucking help me out with it!” Mickey shot back at Ian._

_“And how the fuck-do I do that?” Ian asked_

_“Easy” Mickey said getting up from his desk and walks over to Ian. “I am stressed aaaaand…my doctor says I can’t be stressed out like this. So you know. I can have a relapse and we don’t want that now do we.” Mickey said in an innocent voice looking down at Ian._

 

Mickey lies down next to Ian and brushes his hair back from his face. Ian smiles and looks at Mickey with half tired eyes. “Morning” Ian said looking at Mickey with those eyes, those eyes that always makes Mickey melt away.

 

Mickey leans forward and kisses Ian passionately. “Morning baby.” Mickey said softly “I’m going to get up. Make you and me breakfast in bed. Then were going to take a shower and Netflix it out for half of the day and then you and me are going to go out on a date for your birthday. Okay.” Mickey said to Ian.

 

“Okay.” Ian said smiling trying to hide his face in his pillow. Suddenly Mickey goes and smacks Ian ass and runs out of the room to the kitchen to go make them breakfast. All the while as Ian then gets up and runs after Mickey.

***********

 

The day went as planned. Mickey and Ian had breakfast in bed among other things foods were eaten off of body parts. Which lead to both men having a round of playful banter and that led to them both taking a shower with one another to save water of course. Not that they didn’t have sex in the bathroom twice but it was an active day.  So now it was about 2pm and Ian and Mickey were getting ready for their date. Mickey was nervous yet he was excited as well, but more nervous than ever.  “So just…just trust that it will all make sense okay…just if I’m acting like an ass or dick tell me. I honestly don’t mean to. I just want shit to be perfect and no don’t ask what I mean okay? You said you trusted me so trust that I got you.” Was all that Mickey said to Ian that evening as they were getting ready for their date; everything was going as planned.

 

 

Ian simply nodded his head. “Okay yeah, yeah sure whatever you say.” Ian said. He was curious about why Mickey was being so nervous but he knew his birthday going to be special today. It was when he woke up next to Ian.

 

 

Mickey nodded his head and gets up from where he was sitting at. “Okay.” Mickey said as he wrote something down on a piece of paper and folds it in his hand. “Be where you’re supposed to be at tonight at 8pm sharp and don’t be fucking late.” Mickey said as he went to walk out the room, but stopped and turned to Ian. “Oh and wear something nice okay? Something casual but nice yeah!” Mickey said as he left the room leaving Ian looking back at him with a puzzled look on his face for a few moments.

 

 

A little bit later that day as the time was approaching for Ian and Mickey to get ready, Ian had left to go do a few errands for a couple of hours. Ian didn’t say anything more about Mickey being weird, but he did want to talk to him about it. It was just a regular day for Ian. Ian’s birthday was nothing special to him. All he wanted to do was celebrate it with Mickey and have fun while doing it.  So when Ian got back to Mickeys apartment he went to go find Mickey to ask him where did he have to meet him at for tonight and why? He wanted to tell him that all he wanted to do was just grab a bite to eat and be home with him.  But when Ian got to Mickey’s apartment he was met with Mandy instead of his boyfriend. Mandy said Mickey left and that she was to make sure that he got ready for tonight. Ian looked at her and Mandy gave him an innocent smile. Ian went into their room and found that there were clothes already laid out for him.

 

Nice pair of blue jean, new in fact. They still had the tags on them and a button up long sleeve white shirt. Ian looked at the clothes and looked around the room for any clues but found nothing. Ian saw the time on the bedside alarm clock and decided he should get ready. When he was showered and dressed up, he went to go ask Mandy something but found the apartment loft completely empty. However, there was a note at the door and it said:

 

“ **Lying here with you. Listening to the rain. Smiling just to see the smile upon your face. These are the moments I thank god that I’m alive. These are the moments I’ll remember all my life. I found all I’ve waited for. And could not ask for more.” The first time we heard this song, we were on our first official date. Your tall ass made me dance to this song…I wanted to kick your ass so bad, but you made me smile. And you were cute so that was a plus in your favor. Together we danced just us two. We heard it at the restaurant and smiled at one another.  And you said ‘I must be the luckiest man in the world.’ And I said ‘no I am’.  Go to the place where we ended up that night. That’s if you can remember Red ;).’”**

Sincerely Yours

Mickey.

 

Ian looks at the note again, re-reading it over a few times. Their first official date had been a funny one. Ian didn’t want to do the classic dinner and movie, thing. No Ian wanted to blow Mickey’s mind away because they were starting over. Ian recalls that day like it was yesterday.

 

 

_Ian was nervous; he was standing in front of Mickey’s apartment door for a good 10 minutes before he knocked on the door. Ian had just been here a few days ago, he had just gotten Mickey back. They were starting over, fresh and new. So Ian asked Mickey out on a date, to which Mickey said yes. So now here was Ian in front of Mickeys’ door eternally freaking the fuck out. I mean they already slept with one another, but they wanted to do it right. Well their form of right and normal anyway; as normal as it could be for Mickey. Ian was wearing dark blue denim jean pants, with a light grey button up shit, that wasn’t tucked in. He had gotten a fresh hair cut that morning, and made sure he was refreshed and looked good._

_Ian breathes in and out a few times before knocking on Mickeys door. He takes a second to himself and looks down at his watch and sees he’s already late because of his self-freak out session in the hallway for Mickeys apartment. He then knocks on Mickeys’ door. He felt like he was waiting for like an eternity for Mickey to answer the door. But once Mickey opened the door seeing him took Ian’s breath away. Mickey was wearing nice dark blue faded denim jeans, a plan white t-shirt with his leather jacket on him that fit just right. His hair was spiked up; he had his earring on his right ear, he had on black eye liner that made Ian weak at the knees. It always made his eyes pop out more. “Wow” was all Ian said without knowing he did._

_Mickey chuckled a little bit but smiled big none the less. “Um, thanks? You don’t look so bad yourself Red.” Mickey said blushing at Ian’s comment._

_Ian smiled and shook his head. “No I mean-you know I just…you look fuck hot Mick.” Ian said giving Mickey a small laugh. “I mean, shit! Not that it’s a bad thing- because it’s-not-but I mean…I’m gonna just shut up and stop putting my foot in my mouth now!” Ian said laughing as he was rocking himself back and forth._

_Mickey smiled at Ian again watching him becomes flustered was funny to Mickey. Mickey leaned towards Ian and gives him a quick kiss before stepping out of his apartment and closing the door behind him. “So Red, where are we going tonight?” Mickey asked as he was locking the door, as they were making their way to the elevator. “We’re doing the whole classic movie and dinner thing?” Mickey asked Ian as they waited for the elevator._

_Ian shook his head in response. “Noooo! In fact, we are doing something completely different. Except the dinner, because 1, I’m hungry and I’m sure you are, and 2. I made reservations at the best spot in town.” Ian said smiling at Mickey._

_“Oh really? Okay. So you’re going to wine and dine me huh?” Mickey said teasing Ian. “Sorry to break it to you Red! But uh, wining and dining me, won’t get you into these pants.” Mickey said as he was gesturing to himself. “I’m not that kind of guy you take into bed on the first date Gallagher!” Mickey said teasing jokingly with Ian as they walked out of the building._

_“Well, I already have.” Ian said coming back at Mickey_

_“Fuck you, you asshole” Mickey said playfully to Ian_

_“I have one.” Ian said and Mickey stopped and looked him “An asshole that is.” Ian said laughing_

_Mickey laughed at Ian’s bad pun and shoved him playfully as he took his hand and said. “Dick”_

_Ian laughed even harder “I have one of those too!”_

_“Oh My God, really?” Mickey said as he released his hand from Ian and continues to walk ahead of Ian. Ian then comes from behind Mickey and held him by the waste hugging him._

_“Oh come on. You like my bad jokes.” Ian said kissing the side of Mickeys’ neck._

_Mickey tried to fight the smile that was forming on his face from Ians’ charm, but gave in. “Yeah so what if I do? It’s one of the things I love about you.” Mickey said holding Ian’s hands in front of him as they walk together._

_Ian stopped Mickey and pulled him to parking lot near Mickeys building. Mickey figured Ian was driving his shitty car to where ever he was taking him out to. But stopped and did a double take when he saw Ian go towards a motorcycle. Ian grabbed both helmet from the motorcycle and goes to hands one to Mickey. He stops when he sees Mickeys’ shocked expression but smirks smugly at him.  “What?” Ian asked._

_Mickey points at the motorcycle. “Since when do you ride these?” Mickey asked_

_“Since forever; let’s just say there are just somethings you still don’t know about me yet Milkovich.” Ian said as he gets on the bike. As he’s about to put on his helmet when Mickey stops him._

_“Wait the fuck a minute? You’re driving?” Mickey asked_

_“Yeah why? I did rent the motorcycle, and I do have a license for it.” Ian said to Mickey slightly blushing_

_“Yeah so do I, but I’ve been driving longer than you I bet.” Mickey tells Ian_

_“Oh yeah” Ian says getting off the bike and walks up to Mickey. “How long?” Ian asked him._

_“Since I was 16 Ian, I worked on these things like I do with cars. I know how they think, how they move and everything. Beat that bitch!” Mickey says smugly to Ian._

_Ian nods his head and tosses the keys at Mickey “You got it.” Was all Ian said smiling to himself. So far his plan was working at giving Mickey the best date ever. “But do you even know where we are going?” Ian asked Mickey who then paused and looked at Ian with a face. “Okay, okay ,okay fine.” Ian said and gave Mickey the address to where they had to go._

_Mickey looked at Ian weirdly as he looked at the address he gave him, but smiled brightly at Ian anyway. Mickey and Ian got the bike putting their helmets on and rode off soon after. When they got to their destination, Mickey killed the engine to the bike and looked at Ian as he got off the bike. “This was part of our date?” Mickey asked, and Ian looked at him like yeah going to the restaurant was part of the date. But Mickey then motioned to the bike. “No dumb ass, the bike. You don’t have a license to drive a motorcycle Ian.” Mickey said out right._

_Ian gets off the bike and reaches into his back pocket taking out his wallet. He gets his license out and shows Mickey that he in fact does have a license. “Before you ask, I got it a while back. When me and you weren’t a thing, and I just wanted to live wild I guess. I figured I do it since I didn’t have you anymore you know.” Ian said as he’s putting his licenses back in his wallet. “I sort of missed you and I just…I don’t know. I did things that I felt would bring me closer to you, if that makes any sense at all.” Ian said to Mickey shyly._

_Mickey gives Ian a small smile. “No, yeah I get it.” Mickey said and goes up to Ian and kisses him. When they break the kiss Mickey is the first one to speak. “So, we’re we going? You just gave me a general street to ride to. Nothing else man.” Mickey said._

_“Well.” Ian said as he grabs Mickeys hand and drags him down the street. “See, I figured that if I was going to wine and dine you on our first of many dates.” Ian said while wrapping his arms around Mickey bringing him close. “I figured I go with something more, not so traditional, yet in a way traditional but different.” Ian said smiling at Mickey as they stopped at their destinations._

Ian thinks back to the night again “Yeah. That’s has to be place. I mean, we did go to a few places, but that has to be the place Mickey is talking about.” Ian said to himself and heads out.

 

*****

 

Ian gets to the diner where he took Mickey that very night on their first date.  It wasn’t a fancy place, but it was nice. They had awesome burgers and the drinks were actually great. As Ian remembers it, Mickey loved the food here and was surprised that Ian even took him here for their first date.

 

 

_“Here?” Mickey said looking at Ian._

_“Yeah. I mean you mentioned it before that the service was good, plus I’m dying to have a bacon cheese burger with extra bacon on it.” Ian said smiling at Mickey as they made their way towards the door._

_“Okay? But Ian, you don’t need a reservation for a place like this man. It’s just a good bar that serves good fucking food and good drinks.” Mickey said as he goes to open the door._

_“Right, but this isn’t the only place I’m taking you to Mick. So time is of the essence! Plus I did reserve us a booth here. And before you say anything I know I didn’t need to, but I wanted to make sure we had a place to sit. I didn’t want to be at the bar on our very first date and have nowhere to sit while we eat and talk.” Ian said casually as they go to the booth that was waiting for them. It had a little sign on it that said reserved and Mickey knew Ian must have plained this and asked for a favor to do this from the owner. This bar didn’t do reservation! What bar does really?_

_All Mickey could do was smile and look at Ian. “You think you’re cute and clever don’t you?” Mickey asked Ian._

_Ian gave Mickey a shocking face “Me? Clever? Noooo! Cute? Definitely! That I am.” Ian said as he was waving down a waitress to take their order._

_Just after their waitress took their order the song played from Edwin McCain. Ian looked up at Mickey and smiled at him. That was the first time they did hear that song._

Ian gets out of his car and walks towards the bar. Ian steps into the bar and looks around to see if he can find Mickey. However, Mickey was nowhere in sight. Just as Ian is about to step further inside, he’s stopped by a woman. “Hold it there mister!” She said to him.

 

 

“Excuse me? Do I know you?” Ian asked the woman, who in fact did look familiar to him.

 

 

The woman average height, dark long brown hair smiled at Ian as she spoke to him. “You can say that, but here. Your guy told me to give you this if you came by here.” The lady says as she hands Ian a note.

 

 

Ian took the note from her carefully as he spoke. “Mickey gave you this?” Ian asked her.

 

 

She nodded her head at him as she response to Ian. “Yup! Said something about you not remember exactly where you should be, and figured you would come here first instead of the place he wanted you to go to. He also said for me to give you this and to tell you and I quote him as he said this. “Read the fucking note carefully Red!”” She said laughing. “Man that guys is something else, but he said you’re worth it and if I can help him. Plus he did remember me unlike you who didn’t!” The woman said to him smiling fondly at Ian.

 

 

Ian looked up at her for a moment, than remembers who she was. “Oh shit; you were our waitress that night weren’t you?” Ian asked her as she nodded her head. “Meg. Yeah that’s right your name is Meg! Shit I’m sorry I didn’t recognize you.”

 

 

Meg shrugged her shoulders “Eh it’s okay. I mean I was the one you talk to before coming here and made sure you guys had a place to sit an all.” She said teasing Ian with a smile on her face. “But yeah, that’s me.” She said to him

 

 

“So Mickey just gave you this?” Ian asked again

 

 

“Yup, and said for you to continue on and find him. Something about it being special and that you would know where to find him with these clues.” Meg said gesturing to the Note Ian had in his hand.

 

 

Ian nodded his head and smile up at Meg as he read the note to himself. “Thanks! aAnd-thanks again. You know for this and whatever the fuck he is doing.”

 

 

“No problems lover boy. You guys come back sometimes okay” she said with a smile on her face to Ian as he left.

 

 

Ian turned back around and smiled at her. “Of course.” He said as he left the bar.

 

 

Ian looks down at the note again. He reads it over again and over again to himself and then out loud again once more.

**“Ian**

** I figured you would come here first since this was the place where we went out to eat.  But I’m not here! This was where we heard our song yes, but Ian…Red read the first note again carefully. Now remember we heard this song at the restaurant/bar and smiled at one another listening to the lyrics.  **

** I am not going to give you any more fucking clues! You should know I’m where you took me after everything was done. We laughed and joked around walking hand in hand. I had the best time here. I’m at the place where you took me and made me smile the most. It’s big, wide, spacious and beautiful and would make anyone smile. Hurry and come find me! You’re good at finding me. Remember?  **

** Ps. I turned the GPS off on my phone! So no Fucking cheat…dick **

** Love you.” **

 

Ian smiled and laughed to himself at that last part again. He did try to find Mickey on his GPS tracker but with no success, and now he knows why. With that, Ian stood in the parking lot thinking of that night again replaying the events of what happened that evening, after eating at the their meal and drinking a few drinks at the bar.

 

 

_After eating their meal and having a few drinks, Mickey and Ian made their way on foot to Ian’s next destination. They walked hand in hand down the street without a care in the world. Their next stop was the mall. It was about 2 blocks away from where they parked the motorcycle at and Ian was excited. He really wanted this date to be mind-blowing and one that Mickey would never forget. Ian knew exactly where he was taking Mickey too so this was a date that Mickey would remember always no matter what. Corny as it might be, but very different in his eyes. So when they got to the mall Ian led Mickey to the one place he knew Mickey would have never suspected Ian would take him to._

_Ian was taking the lead in walking and Mickey was just following along not really paying much attention. That was until Mickey stopped because he and Ian stopped in front of store; a store that Mickey didn’t think was for them. Ian smiling brightly at the store and at Mickey as he turned to look at him, all the while as Mickey looked around in shock. “Ian? What the fuck are we doing here?” Mickey asked Ian._

_Ian laughed and walked straight inside the open area of the store turning around walking backwards as he answered Mickey. “We! My loving boyfriend, are here to choose one of those and build a bear! All the while having fun, then after words we’re hitting up the arcade that’s in this mall and showing all those little fuckers how to play a real game.” Ian said proudly._

_Mickey was still in shock and was shaking his head at Ian. “Ian. I’m not going in their…” Mickey said and then walked to Ian speaking to him a low voice. “I’m not building a fucking bear Ian! That shits for kids, we’re fucking adults!” Mickey said with no heat behind his voice, but Ian could tell he was embarrassed._

_Ian gave Mickey a deadpan look. “Really? Says the guy who still plays video games every chance he gets, and don’t think I don’t know about that little stuff bear you have in the closet because I do.” Ian said to Mickey. Just as Mickey was about to come out and say something back, Ian cuts him off before he even could. “Besides, this will be our bear. Like our love child, and plus look.” Ian said gesturing to the other kinds of stuffers. “You can make like a Batman Bear, Ninja Turtle ones, a pony if you into to that (Mickey hit Ian on the arm as he laughed at him when he said that) or look they got Star Wars, and a smiling Monkey. Oh look they got Sonic, the Minions, oh man look at this!” Ian said happily too excited himself. “Toothless! Mick it’s Toothless! Come on, you can’t say no to Toothless!” Ian said smiling directly at him._

_Mickey looked at Ian, laughed at first but then smiled at him. “Okay, okay. Let’s build one of these fucking things.” Mickey said sighing as Ian went ahead to go pick out which form of bear to build. He still had Toothless in his hand, so Mickey figured he wasn’t letting go of that one. Mickey went to one of the plan light brown bears and smiled at it. He looked back at Ian who smiled at him showing him he wanted Toothless. Mickey went up to Ian. “You do know that so far this is not only the most weirdness fucking date I’ve been on, but one of the funniest.” Mickey said amusingly._

_“Oh yeah” Ian said shocking humorously at Mickey, giving him a wink._

_Mickey licked his lips and shook his head at Ian. “Oh yeah, just that you know? You kind of lost points buddy.” Mickey said as he pats Ian on the back and goes to the second of de-stuffed teddy bears._

_“Did I now?” Ian said teasingly._

_“Yeah, yah did. But see. You can get them back! But only if we can get more than one bear; I want this one as well as the Toothless.” Mickey said motioning to the light brown classic bear._

Ian smiled at Mickey brightly. He was really happy Mickey like his idea of coming into the Build-a-Bear shop in the mall. “Anything for you Mick.” Ian said heartily.   Just then Ian and Mickey heard the song playing again.

 

 _“I could not ask for more than this time with you_  
Every prayer has been answered   
Every dream I have's come true   
And right here in this moment is right where I'm meant to be   
Here with you here with me   
These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive”

_“This fucking song again. Man I think the universe is telling us something” Mickey said to Ian smiling at him as he goes to have the lady where the stuffing station was at for the bear._

_“Oh yeah, and what’s that smart ass?” Ian asked Mickey_

_“That we need to hurry up, get out of here, so I can whoop your ass in some video games!” Mickey said laughing as he made his way to the stuffing station of the store._

 

 

 

_After building their bear, which to say was one hell of an experience. After picking the bear out they went to the (love me) second and picked a heart for their bear. After picking the heart they had an opinion of having their bear say something to them.  Ian secretly already made one for Mickey to go into his bear. Mickey made one and gave it to Ian so he can use it for the Toothless. After that they went to stuffing their bears. It was an interesting process to say the least. Because once their bears where stuff, they were supposed to go to the (fluff me) part of the bear, but Mickey gave Ian a look that just told him no. They got their bears an outfit. Ian couldn’t get his Toothless anything much to wear but the harness that goes with him. Mickey actually took a bit looking around and found a pair of pants and shirt for his bear. Ian had secretly got Mickeys Bear a batman outfit. It went with the bear and plus whenever Mickey does decided to squeeze his bear; he’ll get a deep voice of Ian saying “I’m Batman!” After everything was done Mickey had a big smile on his face. He loved making the bear with Ian even though he would never admit it he loved their date and couldn’t have asked for more. Mickey was touched at the gesture Ian did for him. Everything to him was just perfect for them. He was thankful for everything so far and the night was just getting better and better every time. Afterword’s both men went head to the arcade, where they dominated in almost every game they played in. Going toe to toe with one another on classic games, new games anything they could play they played. Even tried to make the other mess up a few times but it was fun. Some games Ian won, some Mickey won, but they enjoyed themselves and laughed at having just a good fun time. After staying at the arcade for a while Mickey and Ian left and went back to where they had parked the motorcycle to head home or so as Mickey thought. Once they reached the parking lot Ian took over and got on the bike first waiting for Mickey._

_“I thought I was driving man?” Mickey said to Ian_

_“Nope! I got one more place to go, and that babe is a secret.” Ian said smiling at Mickey._

 

Ian smiled remembering that day like it was yesterday. “I know where I have to go.” Ian said to himself as he made his way back to his car. Driving off to the one destination he knew Mickey had to be waiting for him.

 

*****

Ian had parked his car two blocks away from the Peer. He knew Mickey had to be here!  One because this is where he made, (well not so much made if you consider giving Mickey a pouty face) him and Mickey dance to that one song. That one song, it was that song that they both kept hearing all day and evening long when they were out on their date. It was like it was faith telling them something.

 

_“Ian what are you doing?” Mickey asked as Ian was on his phone looking for something. They had arrived at the peer and walked more towards the deck of the peer. No one was around but them.  Ian had road the motorcycle on to the peer docks and parked it, which Mickey thought must’ve had to been illegal maybe, but he wasn’t going to say a thing. It was a beautiful night and Ian had just one thing in mind. It wasn’t part of his plan, but he thought it would make tonight even more special for him and Mickey._

_“I’m just looking for something hold on” Ian said. Once he found what he was looking for, he smiled brightly at Mickey. “Well I did tell you, that this night was going to be one night you will always remember right?” Ian mentioned to Mickey._

_“Yeah.” Mickey responded cautiously to Ian question. “Why? What the fuck are you up to Ian?” Mickey asked his boyfriend._

_“Well. So it may seem to me. That it just so happens that I believe in destiny. And I believe that this song” Ian said as he presses play while he continues to talk to Mickey. “Was meant for us. I mean come on Mickey listen to the song. Like really listen to it. How can it not be about us?” Ian said grabbing Mickeys hand and tries to start dancing with him._

_Mickey shakes his head “Oh no, no fucking way are you making me dance Red. Noooope, not-happening man.” Mickey said as he tries to stop Ian from dancing._

_“Oh come on Mick. It’s a good song, and it’s just us!” Ian said as a matter of fact and looks around. No was around but them. “Plus! It would make this date the best of all.”_

_Mickey looks around and then back at Ian. He so wanted to punch Ian, either in the face or gut. Yet he also wanted to kiss him and hold him forever. This was actually cute and out of the box (No pun intended), even for him. Mickey huff out a sigh and nods his head playfully at Ian. “Fine, just don’t step on me okay?” Mickey said to Ian._

_Ian smiles at Mickey as he grabs his hand and both men start dancing to the one song that would be their song forever._

 

 Ian gets out of his car and walks up to that same peer he took Mickey to on their first date every. He looks around and sees no one, Mickey was nowhere in sight.  He sighs to himself trying hard to figure out where his boyfriend could be at. He turns around and hears music playing softly near him somewhere. He turns around again to find a little LED light on the floor making a walk way path. He walks towards it and sees there is a note on the ground.  Ian picks up the note and reads it:

** “Hey Red  **

** You’re close, like really close. So if you want to. Come find me! I would say you’re hot but right now you’re warm.  **

** Love you and truly yours,  **

** Mick **

****

Ian smiles down at the note. He folds it like the rest of the notes he had from that evening and carefully places it in his pocket with the rest of the other notes. Ian continues on walking, not to far just a few inches away and sees flowers on the floor. Different flower on the floor and he hears that song. It was the same song playing over and over again. Ian just smiles to himself. He walks over more towards the floors on the docks of the peer and stops. There on the floor is yet another note. Ian laughs to himself and picks up the note along with some of the flowers on the floor.

 

** “Hi Baby! **

** Well? Turn Around!” **

 

Was all it said on the note; Ian smiles again, and turns around to see the most stunning man he has ever laid eye upon. Mickey was leaning up against the edge of the docks smiling at Ian. He was wearing his leather jacket light blue jean that fit just right, his Black boots, and his white v-neck t-shirt. His hair was styled spiked up, he was only wearing his ear ring and yes he had a light coat of eyeliner on his eyes that made them bright as the night skies. Tonight, just like every night Mickey looked amazing and just as breathe taking as ever to Ian.  Ian was lost for words as Mickey makes his way over to Ian.

 

 

Just for a few moments, each man looks at one another. It was as if the world stop and it was just them two. As if the world outside meant nothing to them just as long as they had one another. And in these moments both men looked at each other with love, devotion, happiness and hope. “What you’re touching is a Gladiolus flower. That flower means strength, faithfulness and honor.” Mickey started saying as he walked towards Ian slowly and pointing at the next flowers that Ian has in his hands as he talk to him. “The other is heathers but the Lavender one means admiration, solitude and beauty, and the white heather means protections and indicates that apparently wishes do come true.” Mickey then bends down and hands Ian two different color Carnation flowers one red and one white.

 

 

“What are these?” Ian asked Mickey in an innocent voice, yet he was looking at him in a whole new light. It was as if he was falling even more in love with Mickey.

 

 

“These are carnations. And each carnation reflects something specifically that reflects a form of love.” Mickey simply said to Ian look at him and not once taking his eyes away from him.

 

 

“Yeah?” Ian asked as if his breath was taken away just be being next to mickey alone.

 

 

“Yeah!” Mickey responded to Ian and continues on talking. “See the red carnation is a symbol of deep love, while the counterpart of this white one.” Mickey said looking at it for a second then back at Ian as he spoke. “The white one means undying devotion.” Mickey said. “I didn’t want to use roses at first for this, but what can I say? I’m trying to be all romantic and shit.” Mickey said laughing as Ian laughed with him

 

 

Ian looked around and smiled while saying “Well so far so good from what I can see.”

 

 

“Yeah?” Mickey asked and looked around shyly “you really think so?” He asked Ian again.

 

 

“Oh yeah! Now all you need is to make me cry and I think it will be a real winner here to be honestly.” Ian said jokingly looking at the floor noticing more different flowers. It was beautiful really, with the LED lights and the night sky being bright with stars all around them. The Ocean you could hear the waves crashing against the waters and it was perfect. The song was playing on repeat and Ian had to wonder why’s tonight’s date such a special one for him and Mickey. What did he deserve have this? To have such a wonderful man come into his life and still be here after everything that has happened between them.

 

The song plays and says (Looking in your eyes. Seeing all I need)

 

“Oh yeah? Is that a challenge red?” Mickey asked Ian, who just shrugged his shoulders in response. “Okay well this here.” Mickey said as he bends down and grabs two different roses from the floor that were next to the other flowers. “See back in the days. Roses were used as a symbol for true love. Some will let you believe that it was always red roses that did this but it wasn’t.  Red roses later became like a fucking hallmark for love, but originally it was white roses. Bridal roses are usually white roses and still are in some traditional weddings, which is why many people use them still in weddings.” Mickey said looking. His eyes said so much that it took your breath away. You could see nothing but love and devotions was all he had for Ian.

 

 

Ian looked back at Mickey with those same eyes as Mickey had for him. Love, devotion, faithfulness, and hope all in one. “That’s interesting.” Ian said looking down at the flowers then back at Mickey.

 

 

“Yeah it is…now you see this.” Mickey said as he reacted for the one blue rose Ian had in his hand. “Now this blue rose. Blue roses are said to be often seen in literature and art as a symbol of love, prosperity and immortality.” Mickey said

 

 

“Immortality?” Ian asked curiously.

 

“Yup! Immortality and love and all that shit.” Mickey said smiling.

 

 

Ian looks around on the floor and sees all the different flowers that Mickey has told him about and yet he’s still confused as to what Mickey is doing. “You know a lot about flowers.” Ian said amusingly.

 

 

“Yeah well that’s one of the things that one of my alters love to do, which was odd but eh fuck it right.” Mickey said chuckling.

 

 

“Which one?” Ian asked curiously

 

 

“You wouldn’t believe if I told you” Mickey said to Ian. Ian gestured for Mickey to tell him and Mickey laughed and said “Richard!”

 

 

“No way!” Ian said shockingly

 

 

“Yup I swear!” Mickey said laughing “He likes to garden, and he well, I mean we know all about this shit and bugs and stuff. Let me guess you figured he was just a stuck up asshole right?” Mickey said to Ian laughing as Ian nodded his head yes. Mickey smiled shyly at Ian and looked down at the floor “Do you like?” He asked Ian feel slightly self-conscious.  His cheeks were turning red and he was nibbling on his bottom lip.

 

Ian smiled at Mickey softly and said. “I love it.” Then Ian heard the song playing again on repeat and looked at Mickey.

   


(Everything you are is everything to me   
These are the moments   
I know heaven must exist   
These are the moments I know all I need is this   
I have all I've waited for   
And I could not ask for more   
  
I could not ask for more than this time together   
I could not ask for more than this time with you   
Every prayer has been answered   
Every dream I have's come true   
And right here in this moment is right where I'm meant to be   
Here with you here with me)   


 “Songs on repeat.”  Ian said to Mickey smiling at him

 

These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive   
These are the moments I'll remember all my life   
I've got all I've waited for   
And I could not ask for more   
  


“Yeah.” Was all Mickey said as he walks up to Ian and grabs his hand placing it on the side of his waist while he grabs his other hand and holds it. “That night you took me here.” Mickey began to say. “Will always be the night that I will always remember.” Mickey said he and Ian started to dance to the song slowly. Ian was looking down at Mickey as Mickey was look up at him. “That night for me was the night that I knew. It scared me but I knew.”

 

 

“Knew what?” Ian asked

 

 

“I knew I wanted to yours for the rest of my life.” Mickey said as he leans up and kisses Ian passionately as if it was all the words and all the love in the world put into that kiss. Once Ian and Mickey break away, Mickey walks backwords having Ian follow him. Mickey stops Ian and Mickey points to something behind Ian. Ian turns around to see what it was. When he sees nothing but the view of flowers shaped in a heart, and the Led lights along with the candles that say something Ian didn’t notice before. Ian looks at the display and is stunned. He turns around and looks at Mickey who is standing their holding a box with a ring in it. “Do you remember that night you brought me here?” Mickey said and all Ian can do is smile while nodding his head at Mickey.

 

 

_All Ian could do was look at Mickey and smile. He felt like he needed to reassure Mickey, especially with what just happen and with what he was going to do next. “You know I won’t let any fucking thing happen to you!  No matter what Mick You’re it for me…Even when you fucking make me mad to a point I just want to kick your ass.” Ian said to Mickey and just Mickey snorted at Ian when he said that. Both men laughed looking at each other. “But living without you is not an opinion…not in this life or the next or the one after that.” Ian said and kissed Mickey as he and Mickey were moving side to side._

_Mickey smiled at Ian. “God you’re such a fucking sap!” Mickey said chucking. “Yeah well I’m pretty fucking sure I’m hooked on you Gallagher!” Mickey said smiling back at Ian.  “No matter what I’m yours.” Mickey whispered to Ian closing the space between them with a kiss. “I’m still yours even when I want to punch you in your fucking face… you make a guy crazy you know that.” Mickey said smiling up at Ian._

_Ian had a playful smiling shocked face “What? Me? With my charming-“_

_“You? Charming; god you’re fucking ego complex is up their man.” Mickey said while laughing._

_“I have you now and I am a very understanding person! I’m charming and I’m very patient.” Ian started say listing things off._

_“God what is it that makes you like crazy guys huh? …Am I that irritable to you?” Mickey asked jokingly at Ian._

_“Mick?” Ian said with a sigh._

_“No tell me! I just professed my love to you and all that shit. So I wanna know?” Mickey asked ignoring Ian tone of voice. He knew Ian didn’t like it when he talked bad about himself, but making fun of his mental health was one of the ways Mickey was able to deal with it._

_“You’re not crazy babe.” Was all Ian said to Mickey; he really wanted Mickey to know that he wasn’t damaged or crazy or anything of that sort. It was a working progress, but Ian would eventually get through to Mickey. He knows he will._

_“Hmm Eccentric then? Would that be better > Yeah that would be a good way to describe me I think? You know the whole creating another person and having them fall in love with you. Just too then get myself together as a one person again just to end up falling in love with you anyways.” Mickey said to Ian giving him that ‘I am right’ face._

_Ian smiled at Mickey. “Yeah well you were created just for me then. Because only I can love you to the moon and back again.” Ian said lovingly._

 

 

“I was created for just you.” Mickey said as Ian was brought out from his memory of that night at the peer with Mickey. Mickey was standing a few feet away now from Ian smiling at him as he huff out in a laughter. “I remember what I said to you when you said you loved me to the moon and back. I said “Ay good fucking one I love you to ass.” Mickey said to Ian.

 

 

Then both Mickey and Ian finished the sentence together from the memory of that night “You’re such a sap you know that?” Both men smiled at each other. “Yeah, I told you that and then across over there.” Mickey pointed out to the other side if the peer. “There was a group of young teenagers playing the same fucking song we were hearing all fucking day!” Mickey said laughing “And! I mean I’m not one for faith or anything but come on! We just started dating I just broke up officially with Colt more like left his ass at the rehearsal party. I was going to therapy and giving you shit, pushing you away and yet…” Mickey said trailing off. For a moment he said nothing and Ian made no movement either. Mickey was just silent for a moment and all he was doing was looking at Ian with glassy eyes. Then he spoke again. “Yet…… You still wanted me?” Mickey said more than asked Ian.  “You know sometimes I wonder why? Then you remind me why, and sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve you. But you see Ian it took me a while. God it took me a long time Ian. A long fucking time, but I woke up. And now I can’t live without you. I can’t breathe sometimes and that scares the shit out of me! I didn’t even want to be alive I didn’t even want to me be here anymore and now all I do is look for that smile on your face every single fucking day. The touch I look for and keep wanting every fucking time you’re near me is unreal. All I want to do is wake up next to you every day for the rest of my life. I want to argue and tell you you’re an asshole, I want you to call me on my bullshit, I want you to be there for me when I feel like I have no one else, I want to be there for you whenever you need me. I want you to tell me I’m being stupid and-and I want to know how your day is going! I want to worry about you when you go to work at night or come home late because I love you. I love everything about you that makes you, you. And do you know why?” Mickey asked Ian who just shook his head at Mickey. Mickey smiled as he answered his own question. “I know you know why. But thanks for trying to flatter me.” Mickey said smiling at Ian. “It’s because I am utterly and incredibly in love with you. I see you and I see my life. I see you and I know I don’t need anything more because for the first time in my life. Ian for the first time in my life I know that there is some good in this world. I know for a fact that you were made for me and I was made for you.” Mickey said as he let a few tears come out of his eyes.  “I know that actually pure love and goodness in this fucked up world we live in does exist. It exists because I have you.” Mickey said breathing out trying to control himself.

 

 

“Now I’m not one for religion so much, but I thank god every fucking day for you. He sent me you yet somehow the universe worked its way around because you.” Mickey said poking at Ian’s heart. “You’re that half that was missing from me all along. The only thing that keeps me alive and wanting to be alive and grow old with you and adopt a kid or two and show them what it’s like to feel love, is because for once in my life I know what that feeling really truly is. What it truly feels like. Ian, I look in your eyes and I see it every day that I’m with you. I see the love and I see my life. For the first time in a long time, I see life. So Ian what I’m asking you is. Will you let me look in your eyes forever and the rest of our lives? Will you spend every waking day with me till we breathe out our last breath and feel our last touch that will last for eternity? Ian fucking Gallagher will you marry me Ian?” Mickey said smiling with tears in his eyes.

 

Ian nods his head as he answer Mickey “Yes-yes-fucking yes a thousand times yes!” Ian said has he goes and kisses Mickey like it’s the last thing he will ever do on this earth. Once they break apartment from the kiss they lean their foreheads together smiling at one another. Mickey then takes Ian’s left hand and slides on the white gold band on his ring finger.

 

It was perfect. It fit just perfectly. Just like Ian was for him, a perfect man, who was made for him. A man who Mickey thanked god every day for because of these moments like this was what he was waiting for. He couldn’t ask for more, because there was nothing more needed. Everything Ian was is everything he needs and it was all that he waited for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ps. Soooooooo
> 
> The song is from Edwin McCain I could not ask for more. Here's the link if you guys want to listen to it which I think you should.  
> https://youtu.be/ZPXRJkla7fI  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZPXRJkla7fI
> 
> I dedicated this song to my baby and sang it as well. This song spoke to me while writing this chapter and for me I think it speaks Ian and Mickey personally for my story. Or any story when you think about it. But that's my opinion.
> 
>  
> 
> xoxoxo
> 
> Mecha


End file.
